Harriet M. Welch

Hi – I’m still here. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing, and I’ve barely been able to even read other people’s blogs. But I’m thinking things will start to calm down soon, well, as soon as I learn to say “No” to people!

Last week in therapy I told J that I was feeling better, and it was because I got a job. We talked about the job for a while. Then I told him that I saw a different therapist, Parrot T, because I felt I should try someone in my insurance plan and I wanted to see what it would be like to see a woman T. We talked about her for a while and I told him that she was very nice, but quirky.

It was a nice session, I can’t really say it was therapy, we just talked, but it was fine. I think it took seeing another person to realize that I’m more comfortable with J than I probably thought I was. So even though it didn’t work out with Parrot T I’m glad I tried it.

Then another busy week. Mostly feeling good, but a few slumps. One thing I realized is how easily my mood can change from good to bad. One minute I’m feeling fairly confident about myself, or at least not like a total disaster, and then one little thing can happen, or it might not even happen – it might be something I perceive to happen, and then I’m really hating myself.

Today in therapy I did have two things I wanted to talk to J about. But when I got there he asked how the job was going, and he asked me some questions about it. That got us to talking about how I can’t say no to people – in this case the other people that I work for. I really want to stop working for them, and just stick to my new boss and the college consultant (and I actually had to tell J her name, because we were talking about all of the people I work for and it was really hard to keep them straight. We referred to her as “4 hour lady” and “old lady”, not because she is old but because I’ve been working for her longer than for the others). Finally I said, “Her name is Sally.” And he referred to her as “Sally” which felt strange. Kind of invasive, like how dare you call her by her name, you don’t even know her. But it was too complicated to talk about all of these people without using names. Which is why we have names I suppose.

So I didn’t get to talk about the two things I had in mind. And maybe that is good. Last week I asked J if he thought that maybe he can’t help me and I should find another T. But he assured me that he wants to work with me and that he can help me. He talked about “maintenance issues”, and how we can work on these ongoing things. And with the new job it will give us lots of here and now material to work with, rather than keeping everything theoretical. And then there are the deeper issues that we can work on as well. He said he sees people from a minimum of one time up to someone he has been seeing for 4 years.

Even though I didn’t talk about the two things, I think it’s good that we talked about the stuff we talked about today. Maintenance. It might be better for me to avoid the deep issues for a while, at least until I get settled into my new routine.

Working is definitely getting in the way of blogging – both writing and reading. There have been days when I was out for 12 hours, and unlike many days over the last couple of months those hours did not include sitting at Starbucks or Panera reading and writing. Right now I am focusing on fitness, nutrition, time management, and work, not necessarily in that order.

I’m feeling a lot more energized. The less time I have the less time I waste.

I don’t think about killing myself all of the time. I’m still waking up in the middle of the night a lot, and when I do I continue to get that sick feeling that I’ve been getting for the last year or so – crap, I’m still alive? I don’t like that. But during the day I’m really too busy to fantasize much about dying.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety about work, and how capable I am and whether I can get everything in, etc…. I guess that is to be expected. I’ve started major to do lists and calendars to stay on top of it all.

Tomorrow I see J. I’m thinking I should quit therapy. Maybe all I needed to feel better was a job. But maybe we can try again to figure out a way for me to help my son. Maybe I’m in a better frame of mind now. I don’t think I’ll see Parrot T anymore. I just don’t have the time or energy to start over with someone new. Not right now.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on blogs. I try to skim them, but I really need to take some time and catch up.

Thank you everyone for your input regarding Parrot T. One thing I forgot to mention is the life sized stuffed gorilla sitting in a chair in her waiting room. How could I forget that? And there is a sign around his/her neck saying “I Give Hugs.” OK, that is just creepy.

I think what I’ve decided is that everything that J is too much of, Parrot T is not enough of. There has a be happy medium, and if I am going with the extremes I’d rather stay with J. But I haven’t reached a definitive conclusion yet. Maybe I’ll talk to J about it next week.

I started my job today. Took the IQ test. See if you know the answer to this:

Ten people are at a meeting and at the end of the meeting everyone shakes hands. How many handshakes are there?

And do you know what philology means? I didn’t! I do now though.

I worked from 8:30 until 2 for R. Then went and got lunch (he lives in a great nearby city with lots of cool places to eat and shop). Then went over to the college consultant and got in an hour’s worth of work before her student showed up. Then did errands, picked up food for my son, and got home at 6:30PM. Yikes, is this what it is like to work? It takes all day! And I have work to do at home too.

So I mentioned the pressure I am feeling about the new job. R seems to think I am perfect, even though he knows intellectually that it is not so. But he keeps praising me for my questions, my answers to his questions, things I write, etc. We spent a good amount of time together this morning and he is very easy to be with and easy to work with. The other day in an email to me he said, “you have a very gentle and personable persona.” He offered to send a personal letter from me to an organization that he is on the executive board of; I had a complaint about this organization in regard to my daughter. I wrote the letter, sent it to him, and he told me, “Wow! Letters like this are not easy to write. Too often they end up as rants, and lose their effectiveness. I believe you have struck exactly the correct balance between personal motivation, irritation and constructive input. Very well done.”

Today he called the college consultant, I had given him her phone number as a reference. He asked her a question something like after she had known me for 9 months what was it about me that she discovered was a negative, or something she didn’t like. She said she still hasn’t discovered any negatives about me after three years!

I’m not saying this to brag, although it sounds like I am so I’m sorry about that. I just am feeling my perfectionist tendencies starting to get out of control, my fear of being “found out” and what will happen when people find out I’m a fraud?

I was thinking that of course I have faults. But my faults usually don’t affect the people for whom I work, as a matter of fact they are an asset to my clients and employers. These faults that are positives on the outside and make me seem competent and perfect are the ones that cause me all of this internal angst. That’s an insight, isn’t it?

So I’m sure you are all anxiously awaiting my recap of my session with Parrot T.  Not!  If anyone is interested here you go.

Her office is in her home.  I got there a few minutes early and she had told me to park behind her in the driveway, due to the snow in the street, however there was another car in the driveway.  I was a little early, so I drove around the neighborhood.  I got back at 11:58am (my appointment was at noon) and the car was still in the driveway, so I parked in the street.  The snow was fairly well cleared away anyway.  I went to her door and she said to push the buzzer, which I did, and then the door buzzed and I went in.  There was a little waiting room with a couch, chairs, tv, books, radio, etc.  I heard a very loud noise, like a cartoon on a tv, or even children talking really loudly.  I thought maybe her children were home from school or something.

Then she comes into the waiting room with the parrot.  The parrot was screaming, “Good bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…”  She said, “Hi, I’m D.  This is Guinevere.  I’ll be with you in a minute, make yourself at home.”  She left, with Guinevere.  I sat and looked around.  There was a little fountain, and an electronic yahtzee game, and a little tray of sand with a little rake and some rocks in it.  There was also a parrot stand with a colorful strand of beads hanging on it.  The furniture was mostly plain, it was comfy though.

Then another woman came into the waiting room, I guess the previous patient.  It was a little past noon by now.  (Hmm, not very strict with boundaries?  Could be an issue for me.)  She said Hi and and I said Hi, and she left.  Then D came back out to get me, showed me where the restroom is, and led me into her office.  She told me which chair to sit in.  Her office is small, and she has a desk that was messy.  Her computer still has Windows XP.  There was another parrot stand with more colorful beads on it.  She said she had to call my insurance company and she could do that while I filled out paperwork, but when I told her what the insurance company told me when I called she said it doesn’t sound like she will need to call after all since I had all of the information.  She was looking for papers on her desk, and it was messy and she couldn’t find them.  She shuffled around for a while, then got the papers and put them on a clipboard and gave them to me to fill out.  She sat and watched me while I did that.

Then I got to ask her my questions, which she answered happily and easily.  She doesn’t do email, but doesn’t mind me bringing in things to read, collages, slideshows, etc.  She said she is quite happy to have other methods of communication like that.  She is 62 years old, and she said, “I bet you didn’t think so,” and she was right, she looked younger.  As for her look, well, it’s nothing like J.  She is a bit overweight, and her clothes are the baggy, flowy kind of look that older heavier women sometimes get into.  She had on a pretty necklace.  I didn’t like her shoes, they were somewhat orthopedic looking.  The clothes were like those loose things from Chico’s.  She has huge boobs, but not in a good way.  She could have used a consultation in a lingerie shop, better undergarments would be an asset for her.

After I asked her my questions I handed her my list of issues.  I left off a few of the biggies off though – cutting, suicidal ideation – and she read it.  She asked me for a brief history of myself, which I gave her.  Purely facts, places, people, etc.  She focused on my anxiety, I guess because it was towards the top of the list, and asked me how it affects me.  I kept getting teary eyed, which is unusual for me because when I’m with J I never feel any emotion.  I talked about my  anxiety history a bit, and then said I don’t think that is my biggest issue.  She asked me what I thought my biggest is, and, again getting teary, I told her that I don’t like myself, I have low self esteem, I don’t think I’m good at anything, not a good wife, mother, friend, etc.

Then she said that the way I just described myself is not how she sees me at all.  She said I come across as very “put together”, and “confident”.  I said I don’t think I am that way at all.  And she again repeated that is what she sees, except she noticed that my hands were a bit shaky.  Hmmm.

We talked a little about my son and how I feel that I made so many mistakes and that is why he is where he is.  She said it can’t be all my fault, I have a husband and my son has some influence on himself.  Well, I said that is what I think.  We talked about faulty beliefs, and my previous experience with therapy for anxiety, and my son’s anxiety and his experience with therapy.  I told her about my new job and how I think my new boss will find out I’m a fraud, and how I’m worried that people will always find out the true me and not like me.  We talked about a lot actually.

I had intrusive thoughts on the list and she asked me to tell her a little about that, but I said I didn’t really want to and she said that was fine.

She asked me what I do when I’m anxious and I told her about breathing, and relaxation and thought stopping and mindfulness.  She told me about someone she works with on her own personal growth and the things she has learned from him.   She asked if I’d heard of grounding exercises and I said I had.  She wanted to know if I would do one and I asked her what it entailed.  She explained it to me, and we tried it.  I had to close my eyes, although she said I could keep them open if I wanted to.  She did it with me and I peeked at one point and she had her eyes closed.  It was all about feet, and feeling them, and them being on the floor and then roots coming out of them into the earth.  I tried to concentrate, but my mind kept wandering.  It was somewhat relaxing though.  I kept tearing up and had to wipe tears away at one point.  When we were done I actually used one of her tissues.  I would never use J’s tissues.

She told me about when she was doing her dissertation and she had to get up and speak in front of a lot of professors and she was very nervous.  She went into the rest room first and did grounding exercises, and she wrote on her note cards “G” to remind herself to ground herself while she was speaking.  She said these grounding exercises have made her more self confident.  I guess if you are relaxed enough to speak in public it does wonders for your self confidence?

Then it got to be time to go, and I asked her how she works her payment.  She says I would pay her every week (J always bills me at the end of the month which is nice – no money stuff going on during session) so I wrote her a check.  She asked me about next week and I told her that I had to see J, we haven’t had a goodbye session.  Then I said, “Actually I have some decisions to make.”  She wanted to know when I would get back to her and I asked her if I could call her Thursday morning.  She seemed hesitant, but said it would be ok.  I said if anyone wants the time slot next Tuesday not to hold it for me if that was going to be a problem.  Then she suddenly changed gears and said I should meet with J before I made a decision about whether or not to see her anymore.  I said that wouldn’t be until next week, and she said that would be fine.  She said she is hoping that I decide to work with her because she enjoys starting with new people and getting to know someone new, or something like that.

I told her that I have problems with the phone, but I would call her and let her know either way.  Then I left and the parrot was in another room saying really loudly, “Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye….”

It was so weird.

She is very nice, kind of bland, nothing about her is my style at all, but that really isn’t a problem.  She said she works exclusively with adults, mostly individual therapy but some couples, and she doesn’t work with severely mentally ill people anymore, although she used to when she was younger.  She doesn’t have any children, I didn’t ask if she is married.

I just kept thinking that she isn’t J.  Which is true, she isn’t him.  But I actually felt emotion in her office, and I didn’t feel the need to look and dress perfectly for her like I do with J, since he always looks and dresses perfectly.  I had no idea what she would look like or how she would be dressed or how old she was before I went, but I just didn’t feel the anxiety.  That was kind of nice.

But as I drove around afterwards I was thinking how great it is that I got this new job so that I can afford to continue seeing J.  I just don’t know.  How does one make a choice between two things that are so totally different?

And I have more to say about my new boss, but I’ll leave that for tomorrow.  I’m starting to feel so much pressure, he thinks I’m perfect or something.  Argh….

Well I think my life has changed since the last time I wrote, which was a mere two days ago.

I’ve been answering ads on Craig’s List in an attempt to find a job. Whenever I send an email in response to an ad I get no reply. However on Saturday, as I was sitting at my desk in a stupor after running 13 miles, I saw a new ad posted. Someone looking for a part time personal/executive assistant, which is exactly the type of position I was looking for.

I crafted a cover email and attached my resume, sent it off, and kind of forgot about it. No one ever responds. But a couple of hours later I did get a response and it was a positive one. He asked me some questions, I answered, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. We set up a time to talk on Sunday. That call went well, we chatted for about half an hour, and he decided we should have a meeting. We were both free an hour later, so we met at his home office in the afternoon. I was there for 1 ½ hours, and it seemed like a real connection. You know me and my connections! Well, I really felt the connection, and it seemed as though he did too. But he said he was interviewing another person and he would get back to me by Wednesday.

Today, Monday, I got an email from him saying that he really has mostly made his decision, but he wants me to fill out some forms for a background check and wants me to take a test that he found online. He said that the position is not contingent on me doing well on the test, but it’s a way to determine my strengths and qualifications. He had given me a sample question when we met yesterday and it was kind of fun, so I told him I am looking forward to taking the test.

I emailed him back the forms for the background check, and I am going over to his office on Wednesday morning, both to take the test, and to actually begin working.

This has all happened so quickly that I haven’t even had time to process it all. All I can say at this point is:

– This man is very intelligent, seems caring, seems like he also feels the importance of connecting with people, and owns a very busy business with which he needs help staying on top of
- During our discussions I felt quite at ease, both with his personality and with the degree of difficulty of his questions in regard to my abilities and experience
- We both seem to have some of the same interests, beliefs and values
- We each have two children, his are one year apart in age from my own
- He has a beautiful home in which I’ll be doing some of the work, and a lot of the work from my own home
- It’s a perfect type of position for me in terms of flexibility, number of hours, and salary
- I can still do my volunteer work, but will be giving up my other business which is the professional organizing. Not enough consistency, hours, and therefore income, in that type of work
- I will still be able to work for the college consultant, who is a great friend and so supportive of me, and for whom I work about 3 hours a week
- I’ll be making $350 to $450 per week, which will enable me to keep my personal trainer (assuming I’m not working during those hours!) and I will be able to see whatever therapist I want to see, regardless of whether or not he/she is participating in my insurance and I won’t have to ask my husband for money
- I actually feel pretty good about myself, well, when I’m not feeling like I’m a total fake or fraud and it’s just a matter of time before he finds out

Other than that, I feel excited about starting a new direction with my life. This businessman for whom I’ll be working, I’ll call him R, is really serious about doing his research before hiring anyone, so I feel comfortable that if he does decide to definitely hire me it will be for the long run.

We’ve already had conversations about marriage, children, psychology, passions, nutrition, health, exercise and each other’s personality. And that’s in addition to the discussions we have had about office systems, productivity, finance, internet research, computers, international travel, the college search process and various other professional topics.

Tomorrow I meet with Parrot T. I’m not feeling anxious right now. What is there to be anxious about? We meet, we talk, we click or we don’t. If we do, I make a decision. If we don’t, I won’t see her again. I believe that I am feeling anxious about the prospect of leaving J, more so than starting with a new T.

This morning when I had my workout with my trainer I was wearing long sleeves to cover some self inflicted injuries incurred over the weekend. Despite the long sleeves my cuts were visible, you know when you are working out your sleeves don’t always stay all the way down. He asked, “Have an encounter with a cat?” I replied in the affirmative. He said, “The cat win?” I said, “Yep.” I don’t know what he imagined, and I’m wondering why I cut so low on my forearms, which I don’t usually do. I’m unclear as to whether I was flirting with the idea of cutting my wrists, or if I cut in a place where someone might notice. Either option doesn’t really sit well with me.

I want to thank my dear friend Grace for her support when I am feeling hateful of myself, despite her own troubles and being so sick that she was in the hospital, she is caring and loving and selfless. I only wish her happiness and love and peace, and for her therapist to come back from vacation and tell her that she’ll be ok. Thank you dear Gracie!

I’m still here. I ran a half marathon this morning. Now I’m alone in the house. I’ve been thinking. Of course. How does one stop oneself from thinking?

So in July of 2007 I needed a therapist to help me with some issues I was having with my son, who was 17 years old at the time. That is when I started to see J. I went in, told him about my son’s problems, I must have mentioned my son’s name because in looking at old emails (a nice thing about Gmail, you can save everything!) from that time J mentions my son’s name, and he helped me come up with plan. We had a whole thing in writing, like a contract sort of. I met with him a few times. In one email I sent him I mentioned the guilt I felt about all of the mistakes I made with my son. He replied that he wanted to know when we’d like to meet again and how it would be helpful to talk about that guilt. But I never pursued it.

This time around, when I needed help with my son’s issues it’s a whole other situation. Now it’s all about feelings, and J trying to get me to see that my son is being unfair. He said if I see the unfairness of the situation it will give me permission to implement a plan. Now it’s all about me. I don’t really understand it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to working this out with him.

I meet with new T on Tuesday. Parrot T. Woman T. Stranger T. Causing me a lot of anxiety T. I have anxiety with J, even though I’ve been seeing him for so long. But Parrot T might be worse. I should stop worrying. Living in the future – none of this has happened yet.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking about driving my car into a tree. I’m not sure if I was thinking about it while I was asleep, or if it came to me as I woke up. I’ve thought about this before. So I went to the computer and googled crash tests. I watched the crash test videos over and over, watching the dummy flail around as the car crashes, watching the airbag deploy, some of them even have a child sized dummy in a car seat in the back. It seems the whole front third of the car crumbles upon impact, as cars are designed to do that in order to absorb the shock. These cars are driven into other cars, or into concrete barriers. I was going to drive into a tree. I also did some research and found that the crash tests are done at 35mph, which seems slow to me. That could be incorrect information though.

So I did spend a lot of the day driving around, and while driving I was looking for suitable trees, feeling what 35mph feels like. It would have to be a tree next to road with no curb. Another problem we have here right now is the three foot pile of snow lining every road. I started feeling panicky about driving, and I drive so much in my normal day that it would be totally dysfunctional to develop a driving phobia right now.

Then I was thinking about why I want to drive into a tree. Other than getting this weight off of me. It’s not to die. What I think I would like is to have some kind of minor injury that would require me to stay in bed, or at least resting, for a week. I’m such a lazy ass that I’m actually thinking of getting into a car accident so that I can be lazy for a week.

But then I think about how angry my husband would be if I wreck my car, and how it would inconvenience everyone, and it would cost us money, etc …..

But the urge is really really strong. I just want to drive into a tree. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Then last night I dreamed that I was in the hospital and I had to stay for a week. They wouldn’t let me out because they didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had to get a lot of injections. One doctor came up to me and said, “I would rather treat a dead animal than treat you.” Then she stormed off. But there was another doctor and she was really nice to me. All of the doctors in my dream were women. Since I wasn’t feeling sick they let me walk all over the hospital doing whatever I wanted, but they just wouldn’t let me leave. I wonder what that all means.

I’m thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about how I really liked the silent moments during my therapy session on Tuesday. I remember about 10 years ago I began therapy with a psychiatrist. I didn’t know anything about therapy or the different types of therapy, or even that there was a difference between psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. This particular pdoc didn’t talk at all. And since I didn’t really talk we sat in silence for a good 50 minutes. I kept asking him what I should talk about, and he said, “Don’t worry, when you get good at therapy you’ll know what to talk about.” I didn’t want to “get good” at therapy, and I didn’t want to wait around to see how long that would take, so I just quit. Didn’t show up one day and never went back.

I guess that was too much silence for me.

But I’ve written before about how much J, my current t, talks. I know it’s bothered me sometimes because I’ll be trying to process something that I’m thinking or feeling and he just barrels on. But mostly I thought it was good that he talks so much because it leaves less time for me to figure out what to say and how to say it.

But on Tuesday he didn’t talk very much. I’m not sure what was different, why he chose to stay more silent. And I’m not sure why I liked it either.

I’m wondering if I should tell him about how I feel about this. I don’t know if I’ll be having therapy with him anymore, my “trial” appointment with the new t is next week. Maybe there is no point in talking to him about it. And I’m curious to see how the new t handles silence.

It seems sad that J and I have been together for about a year and a half, and it’s just now that I am making this realization about liking the silence. Maybe things would have been different if there had been more silence all along. Or maybe it’s just that I need it now, and didn’t before. I don’t know.

How do your t’s handle silence? Do you like it?

Click on them if you want to see the photos full size. Doing some cleaning and organizing around the house too. Trying to decide what to throw away. It’s hard.

Another great product from Cincopa Send Large Files. Also read how to Add video to your website.

Yesterday I went to see J. I curled up in a ball on his couch and refused to look at him. This is very unusual for me, normally I make eye contact continuously as it is the only way I know what he is thinking and feeling. But yesterday I didn’t care.

J did touch briefly on how suicidal I was last week. I told him that I had a lot of pills at home and I didn’t want to commit suicide by od-ing so I didn’t go home. He said, “So you had the urge, but you talked yourself out of it?”

We talked about my son and how it makes me feel. He tried to get me to see that I am angry and frustrated, but I wouldn’t go there. He tried to convince me that if I don’t see that what my son is doing is unfair then I won’t be able to have leverage in implementing consequences. I tried to argue with him about why change needs to be based on negatives rather than just out of my desire to help him become more independent.

J contradicted himself by starting out saying we need to deal with the feelings and then later on saying that he is trying to help me with the here and now situation of my son, but I went down another road and made it about me. I asked him if I did that and he said that perhaps we did that, and I said, “No you did that. You gave me an assignment that made it out about me rather than my son.”

He asked me why we started talking about my son to begin with and I told him that a couple of weeks ago I said that I wasn’t doing well due to some stressors in my life and he wanted to hear about the big ones, not the garden variety ones (his words) so I mentioned that I had a goal that I was going to do something about my son by the end of January and I never did. He tried to get me to say that I brought up the topic of my son because I want help with it, but now I’m turning it into an issue about me.

One thing I really liked about the session was the moments of quiet. We have never had those before. Usually J fills in all of the silences with stories. He only told two stories yesterday, one about his neighbors and their 19 year old son, and one about the clients he had to send to the collection agency recently. But there were definitely long moments of silence, and it was so nice. Maybe if we had been having those all along I would have felt safer in the office, like there is less pressure on me to fill in the space, even though it is him that is always filling the space.

I realize that it might have been the last time I see J, so I think I’m taking everything he said and making it negative so that I end up being angry at him, and even hating him. It will make the end easier. I told him I’m not coming in next week, and he asked me if he would see me in 2 weeks. I said he would.

I called a hotline last night. Not my hotline of course, but one in a neighboring county that I heard was good. And it was good. I talked about my son and the counselor was really helpful. One thing she said that was so helpful was, “Right now the mistakes you may have made in raising your son don’t matter, right now what matters is finding a solution and moving on.” We talked for 22 minutes, and I actually cried a lot on the phone, something I never do in J’s office.

Do you think it’s possible that there is an unlimited number of tears in the human body? How is it possible that they never dry up? I’ve got a lot of suicidal ideation again. I’m cleaning the house, that’s not a good thing. I haven’t run in three days, and that’s not a good thing either.