Harriet M. Welch

My son called the doctor today to check on the results of the blood work (he’s over 18 so I can’t do it for him!) He was so good, he typed out every word the doctor said and emailed it to me. Everything was normal.

Tomorrow is the barium xray. There isn’t anything I can do to help him with that one.

I asked him if he thought I made his anxiety worse by getting the lidocaine cream and the Xanax, and asking the tech if he could lay down, and all of the rest of it, etc. And he said, “No it helped.” The only thing he thought we could have done to improve it was if he had gotten dressed before I put on the cream. Having that cream with the plastic wrap and tape on both arms made it difficult to get his shirt on.

Will remember that in the future.

Tags: anxiety, medication, son

Went to the gynecologist today. I told him about my experiment with taking the last week off of the pill packs and the emotional upheaval and he said it is fine for me to stay on the b/c pills for another year or two and never take another week off. He said around age 52 is the cut off, but then I can start hormone replacement. Eh, I’m not planning that far ahead. I just am glad I can continue on the pills and not take any more weeks off.

I love my gynecologist. I’ve been seeing him since before my son was born, and he is now 20. He is really handsome and about 15 years older than me. Wait, let me google him and check that. Hold on….

OK, he graduated college in 1968. Assuming he was 21 then he would be 63 now. I wish he was my therapist instead of gynecologist. Oh well, then I probably wouldn’t love him as much. I ran into him at the grocery store once, and before he saw me I made a beeline for the exit. That’s kind of ick – seeing one’s gynecologist out on the free range. Every year I ask him if he is going to retire and every year he says no. So far he’s been truthful.

Also every year he tries to give me a sample pack of b/c pills. But I normally take the generic kind and he tries to give me a sample of the non-generic kind. I have told him the non-generic kind gives me migraines and he says, “They are the same!” And I always say, “They are NOT the same!” We go through this every year. I always win, because I say, “You’ve never taken them!” I also tell him I don’t feel comfortable taking samples because I am sure that he has patients who cannot afford b/c pills, and with my insurance they are so damn cheap. So I tell him to save them for those patients.

I have excellent gynecological health, so I only see him once a year. So sad.

Tomorrow is back to therapy. Meh.

I have written up the script on index cards for J. My part in pink, his in blue. I’d like to video our session, or record it. But I would never do that.

I’ve been feeling down for the last few days. Tomorrow my daughter is turning 18 and tonight she had 5 friends over and I made a nice dinner for them. We did the same thing last year. Here’s some food pics. I made the chocolate trifle, I know you guys love that! If we ever all got together I would definitely make one for you.

I made shrimp, two kinds of orzo, and the trifle. I didn’t make the bread, I bought that. Doing all of this cheered me up a little.

So here is the final version of the script, thank you to everyone who helped me to write it:

Me: I wanted to talk about how I felt two weeks ago when you told me as I was walking out the door that you wouldn’t be here the next week.

J: OK. What type of feelings did that bring up for you? Again, I apologize for not letting you know earlier. I’m glad you wrote me before I left so that I knew I had screwed up.

Me: I’m hesitant to mention it because a couple of months ago you forgot to answer an email, and when I brought it up in our session I thought you got defensive because your response was, “How many times have I NOT forgotten to return your emails?”

J: Perhaps my comment did seem defensive and more focused on my feelings than on yours. I said that because I wanted to remind you that I am only human. I make mistakes too. But I can see how you might have heard that as being defensive. Do you think I’ll be defensive in our discussion of the vacation?

Me: I thought you got defensive, and maybe you were just trying to point out the truth of the situation. And that was the truth. But I wanted to talk about how I felt, and when you said that it made me feel worse, like I am expecting too much and that I am too critical.

J: So when I responded that way you thought I didn’t want to hear about your feelings?

Me: Yes, and now because of that I’m not sure if I should talk about how I felt two weeks ago because I don’t want to be petty; you did give me a week’s notice.

J: It isn’t petty to want to discuss how you felt about a situation or circumstance. That is what we do in therapy – discuss our feelings and reactions to events. Would you like to share now, how it affected you when I announced I’d be gone last week, and it was a surprise to you to hear this?

Me: I felt like I didn’t matter when you told me at the last minute that you were going on vacation. Usually you would tell me further in advance, and I thought maybe it was a last minute decision but the way you asked me made it seem like it wasn’t. You didn’t say, “Don’t forget I won’t be here next week”, you said, “Did I tell you I won’t be here next week?” which made me think that you knew the week before that you wouldn’t be here and you just didn’t tell me. And that brought up the usual feelings I get of being unimportant, without value, worthless, etc.

J: So you felt like I didn’t tell you in advance because you are not important enough to keep informed? I’m sorry that the result of my mistake is that you feel bad about yourself. Tell me more about how you felt when you realized I’d be gone and I hadn’t told you earlier.

I’m hoping we can do this conversation my way, and then repeat it with J saying the things he would really say. I’ll be sure to report back tomorrow.

Tags: daughter, emotions, food, therapy

I had a terrible time sleeping last night. Weird (not bad) dreams, and I kept waking up. And you know what, I can’t remember whether or not I took klonopin before I went to bed. That doesn’t mean I didn’t, but since I don’t remember doing it, perhaps I didn’t. And that could explain the poor sleep. Aah. Addicted to klonopin again, sigh.

And I put in for a refill on my rx a week ago, and it still isn’t ready. Which means either the pharmacy isn’t following up with my pdoc, or my pdoc isn’t calling it in. Tomorrow I need to follow up on this. I do have a stash, but don’t want to be cutting into the stash.

I’m getting anxious about therapy on Tuesday. I haven’t been in two weeks, which was kind of nice. I wish I could let go of things. I have been thinking about that long email I sent J in January, summarizing my life and my therapy over the last year, and how we really spent basically one session talking about it. I really wish we could have spent more time on that. There was so much in there, so much material, and it is all still relevant. I still think about that, how maybe if we could talk about it more it would be helpful. But I’d never mention it. I’ve had the urge to read my blog from back in January and February, but I’m afraid of getting depressed.

I was thinking of doing another one of those summaries, for the first 6 months of this year. A lot of stuff would be the same, so I guess it would be like talking about that last email. The thing about J is, though, he wants me to make observations in the present, rather than look back on things. It’s really hard for me to do that though. Like I could go through my whole session and not notice or feel things, but as soon as I leave I start processing everything that we said and then I start to feel things about what went on. This is a habit of mine outside of therapy also. I do agree that it would be helpful to observe things in the moment and deal with them as they happen. How do I do that?

Tags: feelings, medication, therapy

I had an insight yesterday. First some background:

I have been on birth control pills continuously for 18 years, since my daughter was born (she will be 18 next week!). Three years ago I went off of them because my doctor said I suddenly had high blood pressure and it was probably from the b/c pills. (This now makes me angry. It’s a ridiculous conclusion. The first thing that he should have thought was that I had gained 35 pounds from being on Zoloft and Lexapro and that could raise my blood pressure. Another factor could have been the Wellbutrin, which also can raise blood pressure.) At the time I did not ask questions. I was 47 years old, I figured I didn’t even need the b/c pills anymore, so I stopped.

I immediately felt awful. Terrible depression. Horrible hot flashes, about one each hour. Not only did I get hot, but I got terribly nauseous. (I later told this to a friend and she said I was being ridiculous.) I was not functioning at all, luckily it was summer. I was a substitute teacher, so I had no job.

I had a routine visit with my pdoc (different one at the time) and I started crying hysterically in her office, telling her how awful I felt. I didn’t relate it to the discontinuation of the b/c pills though. She increased my Wellbutrin dosage, and I felt better emotionally.

Physically I continued to feel horrible. I also went to see a cardiologist and had to have a lot of tests to see if there was something more wrong with me, which there wasn’t.

Then over the next year or so I began to lose weight (on purpose and easily since I wasn’t taking the Lexapro anymore). What a surprise, my blood pressure became normal. I lost over 35 pounds. I went back on the b/c pills, not to prevent pregnancy, I wasn’t getting my period, but to have the hormones.

So everything has been fine. Oh another thing about my b/c pills. You know how you take them for three weeks and then take a week off? During that week off I would get terrible migraines, so I never took the week off. I would take my pills continuously. Therefore I never got my period (and yes this was under the guidance of my gynecologist, so please no comments about how this is bad for me.)

A few months ago I decided to start taking that week off every month. How else would I know if I am in menopause? I am now 50 and the average age for menopause is 51.

So all of a sudden I am getting my period every month. May, June, July. And I put two and two together. The dates of my menstruation = the dates I am particularly suicidal. May 12th – the week of my birthday. Remember that disaster I wrote about? June – I was in New Orleans and don’t remember being particularly down, but I was irritable (that might have been around the time I got so angry about my daughter’s mess that I threw things around, broke a bottle, and cut myself). July – Saturday I woke up in a terrible funk. I ran 11 miles, felt like crying the whole time, came home and got into bed and went to sleep until 1:30. The only reason I got up was because I promised my son I would go to a baseball game with him. Came home from the game and went back to bed. Yesterday I woke up and I had my period. Totally explains the funk and the fatigue.

Now I have some new questions. Why am I getting my period at all? Why is it causing me such emotional distress? Why hasn’t my pdoc or therapist asked me, ever, about what stage of menopause I am in – can’t hormonal changes cause extreme emotional problems? And I am at the age when that would be happening. I so often feel that doctors don’t ask the right questions.

Now I plan to make an appointment with my gynecologist to talk to him about these issues. Maybe there is a blood test for hormones. Maybe mine are inconsistent, maybe I need to go back to taking the b/c pills continuously.

Bear in mind, I have had suicidal ideation for the last 14 months or so, and this hormonal issue just began back in May, so it is not a total explanation for my condition. But it does seem to be a factor.

I wonder if any studies have been done on PMS and suicidality.

Tags: emotions, female, hormones, medical, medication

Yesterday I called the primary care physician who takes care of my husband and me. You can read about him here. He is not really a very good doctor, luckily my husband and I aren’t very sick and we have specialists to take care of specialized parts. I called and the receptionist put me right through to him. When does that ever happen with a good doctor?

So I told him what my husband told me about their conversation and he said that it was indeed true. That he didn’t think my husband was ready to hear what he had to say, that it would go over his head.

I explained that I have been alone since my son’s problems began at age 4, that it has been only me fighting and advocating for my son. Alone. And that I screwed up plenty, and I take the blame because no one else has stepped up to the plate to help me. He said that he did not want to get in between my husband and me, but he didn’t feel my husband could accept what he was going to suggest. Somehow he thought I would accept it.

His idea? My son needs to go to a pdoc, get a diagnosis and get on meds. And if he won’t do that, then we tell him he can’t live here anymore.

You are all probably thinking that is a great idea, and I don’t blame you. But you are not me, you do not live in my family, you do not know my son. And now you think I am in denial and I am making excuses for my family.

The doctor said I am enabling my son. I have told J, my t, that my son would be better off without me. He says that is not true. However this doctor seems to think I am enabling my son.

Some history: my son started seeing a pdoc at age 9. He started anti-depressants and ADHD meds at that time as well. You think it is easy putting a 9 year old on these medications? Well fuck you if you do.

When my son became a teenager he did not want to take the meds. He didn’t like the side effects. I have taken these meds, and I understand this. If I had to choose between taking meds and moving out of this house I would probably move.

Another problem is that no one has been able to come up with a definitive diagnosis. It’s not like giving a blood test for goodness sake. Ask five different docs and you’ll get five different diagnoses. So what meds are we supposed to put him on? A couple of years ago we spent months trying different meds under the supervision of a pdoc. All with no change.

Luckily I was alone at work, because I was crying so much during and after this call.

Then a couple of hours later I had an appointment with the woman who does neurofeedback. This appointment was made by the transition counselor that my son was working with. So I went to meet her and she was so nice, and so sweet, and so pretty, and so blonde and I wanted her to take me home and take care of me. But she didn’t. She explained the neurofeedback and I don’t understand it at all. Then she asked for a history of my son which I gave, and she started to ask about the relationships in the family. I told her that my husband would not want to be involved in anything. She asked about our relationship and I told her that I do not rely on him for emotional support. She asked who I do rely on for emotional support and I said that there is no one. I don’t need anyone, I take care of myself. However I was crying. She asked about the tears and I said, “Let’s make this about my son, not me.” She said she would respect my request, but if we work with her in the future it will be about everyone. I did tell her that I have a therapist. Whether I rely on him for emotional support, well, I don’t really think I do.

So I was crying some more, and she hooked me up to the neurofeedback and I watched wavy pictures on a computer and listened to music. Occasionally the music would crackle and she said that was my brain stopping, but when it notices the music stopping it starts again so the music starts again.

I’m thinking, “WTF?” She says he would need a minimum of 10 sessions at $115 each to see a result, and it might be subtle. I don’t want neurofeedback, I just want her to take care of me, you know? I don’t think she offers that service though.

I did tell her about the idea that J and I came up with about putting the modem on a timer so that it would turn off at midnight and turn on again in the morning and she said that is a great idea. But my husband was not supportive. She told me that I am the energy in the family, I am the one who shows concern and interest and makes things happen. I told her that due to that characteristic I am the one who is always at fault. She asked me if my husband blames me for my son’s situation and I said that he has never said that.

I have been thinking about it, and I don’t think I am going to do the neurofeedback with my son. Too much investment for too little payoff. I know that sounds harsh, and you can judge me, but we have just spent $1300 on the transition counselor which got us nowhere. So now I am back to square one.

And I had somewhat of an epiphany. How about if my son just lives with us indefinitely and does nothing? He wants to do nothing, he isn’t bothering us. He doesn’t do anything bad. Let’s just leave things as they are. Maybe one day he’ll wake up and want to do something. But why am I torturing myself and letting people get me down about this? Maybe I should just quit. And let him be. It’s not socially acceptable, but do I care about that right now?

Tags: husband, medication, neurofeedback, pdoc, son

I spent almost 6 hours in the hospital today. And I’m not exactly sure why.

This morning I got up, and it was actually hard to wake up, which I thought was due to my taking a klonopin last night before bed, but it was only .5mg, nothing out of the ordinary. I went downstairs to make my coffee and started to get chest pains. I had this once before; I think it was 2 years ago, but it might have been three. At that time it took quite a while to go away. I didn’t think it was related to my heart, but I didn’t know what it was. It was a dull ache in my chest, and a little in my back, and also in my jaw.

So today when I got it again I was a little worried. I also went out to lunch this weekend with one of my blog friends Hillary, and she was telling me about her experience with this same thing. So that was on my mind. I drank half a cup of coffee, and my chest was really hurting. No matter what position I got into, it didn’t help. It wasn’t continuous, but off and on.

So I got dressed, put on makeup (of course) and drove myself to the hospital. Not the crappy one close by, but the one where the doctors seem reasonably capable about 20 minutes away. I decided it wasn’t necessary to go to the super duper hospital which would have taken at least twice as long to get to.

So I got there, parked in the pay lot and walked to the ER. There wasn’t anyone in the waiting room and an ER nurse took me in a little room and took my temp and BP and he did an EKG and put a thing on my finger and stuck in an iv and took about 4 vials of blood out of me. Then he took me to a private room and said a doctor would come soon and I could call if I needed someone. My new nurse came in, his name was Lester, and he was so nice. He gave me the telephone and I called my husband. He asked if I wanted him to come to the hospital, but I said no, it wasn’t necessary.

So around then the chest pains stopped of course. But they kept me hooked up to the ekg and bp machine and I just hung out. Someone came in with an xray machine and took a chest xray. Then after a while a doctor came and he was really nice. He said all the tests were normal and he was going to give me an aspirin and call my cardiologist. He said he didn’t think I had a heart attack, but it could be an attack of angina.

Then he left and after a while Lester brought my aspirin and he hooked up my iv with saline. I finally got pretty bored and turned on the tv and watched “What Not to Wear”. Then another doctor came in, but she wasn’t really a doctor, I’m not sure what she was, but she was really nice too. She said I could either check in to be observed overnight, or wait 2 hours and have the blood work repeated because the enzymes that show up after a heart attack don’t appear until 4 hours after the pain. I voted to wait 2 hours and not check in. I asked her if I could have a drink and she said I could have water or juice. But no one ever came back to give me any.

While I waited I must have fallen asleep. Around 1:30 Lester came back and took 3 or 4 more vials of blood. Then another doctor came in, he is a partner of my cardiologist. He talked faster than any human being I have ever met. My cardiologist is very soft spoken, gentle, not so much of a sense of humor, but that’s ok. This guy was telling jokes, talking a mile a minute. I remember little snippets of what he said, but basically I have no idea. Except he said he doesn’t know what was wrong with me and I should come into the office for a stress test. He also said I have right ventricular conduction, which 1% of the population has, and not to worry about it. When I was young I had some heart issues and I remember being told I had an unusual heart rhythm then. I guess whatever it is isn’t fatal or I’d be dead by now.

Then I had to wait for that last blood test to come back from the lab, which was negative, and Lester took out my iv and I went home. Oh, and I asked him if there was a soda machine and he brought me two little cans of ginger ale. For free.

So while this was going on I called my husband a couple of times to keep him updated, and then I figured out I could email with my blackberry. The service was terrible, but the emails seemed to be going through, albeit slowly. Luckily my friend Grace was there for me all day and put up with my complaints and worries. I also emailed my boss, because she was expecting me and I told her what was happening, even though I didn’t want anyone to know. Then she sent me an email saying she was worried about me, which was nice. Around noon my husband emailed me to say he was going out to lunch and if I needed him I could call his cell or text him.

At one point Lester and I started talking and he told me about his kids who are two little boys aged 5 and 3. They get up really early in the morning and start running around and wrestling and want things, and I thought, how great that my kids are older and sleep until noon. Lester was very nice and I told him that I hoped I wasn’t too much of a bother. He said if all patients were like me he could be a nurse until he is 90. I said, well, it’s not hard for me to be good if there actually isn’t anything wrong with me. Then he said I shouldn’t feel like I wasted anyone’s time or effort because if I really did have something wrong with my heart it is much harder to fix it after the fact, and whenever anyone gets chest pain they should have it checked out. That was reassuring, although I still feel like they all thought I was a wacko and it was all in my head.

I never told them I have an anxiety/panic issue or that I take anti-anxiety meds. They asked me about my meds about 5 times, and, whoops, it just never came up. I didn’t want them to write off any physical problem by blaming it on anxiety.

So that was my exciting day. Not very exciting, which is good, and I guess there is nothing wrong with me, but I’m going to make an appointment with my cardiologist, the slow talking one, for a stress test. Thank you Grace, for being with me today. And thank you Research in Motion, for inventing the Blackberry.

Tags: friends, heart, hospital, medical

A couple of days ago I brought my prescriptions for klonopin and Xanax into Walgreens to have them filled. I told them that I did not want these submitted to insurance and she wrote “Cash” on the papers.

I had done this before, and it didn’t go well. They still submitted them to my insurance, however they discovered their mistake and unsubmitted them. However I had checked my insurance claims online and saw what they did. When I confronted them with this the pharmacist denied having sent it to my insurance. I told her that I saw it with my own eyes on the website, but she continued to deny it. I then called my insurance right in front of her, and they confirmed that yes the pharmacy had sent it in, but then unsubmitted. She couldn’t deny it anymore and told me that they had made an error, realized it and then unsubmitted. Why she couldn’t admit that in the beginning is a mystery.

Today I checked my claims online and I see that once again they have submitted these two prescriptions to my insurance company. I don’t know why I am such a stupid person. Why would I think there would be a different ending to this situation when this exact thing has happened before?

In the future I will be taking my prescriptions to a different pharmacy; I will not give them any insurance information so that they can’t submit it at all.

And in case you are wondering why I don’t want these submitted to my insurance company, it is because first of all they are incredibly cheap meds – less than $15 each for a month’s supply (which is probably why people get addicted to benzos), and I don’t want anything on my records that I take these meds.

I can’t believe how stupid I am, I always surprise myself, don’t I?

Tags: medication

I saw the pdoc yesterday. Told him I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. He asked me what kind. I didn’t know the answer, I didn’t know there are different kinds. I said, “Can you make that a multiple choice question?” He asked if I was just thinking about dying in general, or if I had a plan, etc. I told him I have a plan.

He decided I’m depressed. Yay! Another DSM code to add to my mental illness resume. He decided I need medication and told me Celexa would be good. I told him I would research it, and he said that in my state of mind I shouldn’t do that. Huh? Like I just do whatever some doctor tells me to do without checking it out? He said I would know in 4 weeks if it is working, so I said I would try it. But I lied. I’m not going to.

And then, I guess because I am suicidal, he wrote me out my prescription for klonopin, but gave me twice as much as usual, and my prescription for Xanax, also twice as much as usual. Yay, those are the drugs I like.

Tags: medication, pdoc, suicide

I did send J the email yesterday, and he responded with this:

I was not angry. I was frustrated because I want you to benefit from my work and that did not happen yesterday. I do realize that you have difficulty speaking your mind in general (part of our discussion yesterday) so I understand why you did not say anything to me during our session.

I think it is very important to talk about your birthday and what that means. I can talk on the phone tomorrow (between 8:30 and 9:00am or between 2:30 and 3:00pm). I think that could be beneficial if you are up to it. Your birthday is significant and we should have talked about it – so we can talk about it (on the phone) on your birthday!
Let me know if you are interested.

He sure sounded angry to me, but whatever. So now I had to decide whether or not I wanted to talk to him on the phone today. I am terrible on the phone, even worse than in person. But my friend Grace was encouraging me to talk to him. So I wrote him back that I needed to think about it. Then I thought about it and wrote him this:

OK, but can we have an agreement? If I have trouble talking you won’t get frustrated or angry. And you’ll charge me for the half hour even if I have to hang up after 5 minutes? Because if your email from yesterday is just a frustration email I really don’t want to be around you when you are angry.

So 2:30? Will you call me, that would be easier.

And even though we didn’t talk about my birthday yesterday, it doesn’t mean I didn’t benefit from your work. It just takes me a while to process things, and I am thinking about what you said yesterday. Even the times when I am frustrated with my therapy I still benefit, the things you say are always swirling around in my head. Sometimes I don’t believe them, but they are in there.

Then he wrote to me:

Yes, we can approach this with a wait-and-see approach. If you feel uncomfortable, we don’t have to continue. There is no need to force a conversation (and we don’t want to mess up your birthday). I am not charging you for this call (be it 5 minutes or 30 minutes).

This morning I wrote him a list of things that are on my mind just in case I couldn’t actually talk:

I thought it would be a good idea to write all of this down before we talk, is that ok?

This is just everything on my mind, I realize it is more than 1/2 hour worth of material so maybe you can prioritize it.

1. Our email exchange from Tuesday scared me, even though I started it and it was my fault.
2. I think everyone would be better off without me, including you because now you are frustrated that your work isn’t helping me.
3. Sometimes people say they care about me, mostly internet/blog friends, but I don’t believe them.
4. I want to ask you if there is a way to make this easier for me, but I don’t want you to think that I am looking for an easy way out, or that I am trying to avoid hard work. If I can’t make this easier I don’t know if I can continue.
5. I feel like I have been working hard, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m lazy and I procrastinate, or I focus on the wrong things.
6. My dog is really attached to me, but I think she could attach to someone else if she needed to. Do you think so?
7. Over the last year I’ve really isolated myself and disconnected from people and now I don’t think I can reconnect. On the one hand it is safer to be alone, on the other hand connections with people are what make life worth living.
8. I don’t know if I am more afraid that I will be successful in going through with my plan, or that I will totally fail and I won’t be able to do it. I can do it in my head and it seems easy, but I think the chances of actually pulling it off are really small.
9. I’m not afraid of being dead, but I am afraid of getting old and getting sick and not being able to do things I can do now and of getting even uglier than I am now. And although I’m not afraid of being dead, I think I am afraid of dying. Because what if I change my mind and it’s too late?
10. I’m afraid of no one needing me. Is it really that important to feel needed?

A lot of things on the list. You can back out if you want, I’ll understand. But if you still want to talk I’ll be ready at 2:30. Thanks,

Today I took klonopin throughout the day. However I didn’t want to be drugged during our call so I drank a red bull at 2:15 – 15 minutes before the call. That usually gets me talking a little.

When J called he asked if I was having a happy birthday and I said no. He asked if I plan to follow through with my plan and I said I didn’t think I would be able to. I wasn’t sure. He spent a long time convincing me that no one would be better off without me, that people would miss me, that people need me. He said he would be devastated if I died. I asked him why, considering how angry I made him with my email on Tuesday. I said he would be better off without me. He said he was not angry. He explained that when he got my email he was waiting to go into court. He wanted to know what made me think he was angry and I said the tone was angry. He said there is no tone, it was an email, there is not sound. I disagree, but whatever.

He told me that yes my dog would be sad, but she would find someone else to attach to. But my daughter would be devastated, and my son would be. I said my son would be better off without me and he said he might spend the next few years doing nothing because his mother died. My daughter might not be able to go off to school because her mother died. I would never see my grandchildren.

I told him he was making me feel guilty and he said that is good. He knows I feel guilty very easily. I told him that I know this is true for everyone else, but it doesn’t apply to me. That I am not needed anymore by anyone. He told me that is simply not true.

I just didn’t know what to think after our conversation, but he said I could call any time. I could call the emergency number. I told him I didn’t know anything about the emergency number, and he said it is on his voice mail and I can call it at 3am if I want to. I don’t know what happens when I call it, like does he call me back? I would never do that.

I was visibly upset today at work I guess. After work I didn’t feel like going home, so I went to a Mexican restaurant down the street from my boss’s house. His girlfriend had left about 10 minutes earlier to go to Barnes and Noble, which is on the same block. I texted her to see if she wanted to come over to the Mexican place for a drink, which she did. We had a good time, and then I noticed a voice mail on my phone. It was from my boss and it said, “I just wanted to check and make sure everything was ok, you seemed a little down today, but then again admittedly I was running around so I’m not as observant as I should be.” This made me get tears in my eyes, and then cry, and his girlfriend asked what was going on and I told her a little (not the suicidal part) about how I’m upset about my birthday and how no one needs me anymore, etc. She is 29 years old so she totally doesn’t get it, but she was very supportive and hugged me a lot and told me I’m great.

Ironically earlier in the day she was telling me that I was the best assistant her boyfriend has had because I have no drama in my life. Ha! Little does she know.
So, I’m still alive. I didn’t do anything to even attempt to take my life, although I did buy the supplies I need just in case. I asked J how I can make my life better so that I can enjoy it and he said we’ll work on it.

But I quit therapy on Tuesday. So am I going or did I quit? Now I don’t even know where I stand.

I did tell him that I’m going to NY with my mother and daughter tomorrow and I didn’t want to go but they would have been disappointed if I cancel. He asked me to imagine how they would have felt if I died instead of just cancelling. I’m really confused right now, but trying not to think. Just taking klonopin, not a lot, just a normal therapeutic dose. I’m hoping to get a good night’s sleep and wake up with eyes that aren’t too abnormally swollen.

This weekend was my cousin’s wedding. It was in Atlanta, and I was pretty calm about flying. I did take my Xanax, which knocks me out (I woke up with a start when the plane touched down – I thought we crashed!), but I would say I’m a pretty comfortable flyer right now. Much different than I was 10 years ago.

The wedding was nice, but it was sad that more family members didn’t come. We have such a small family and for my mother and sister not to be there was just a shame. My mother called me last night and asked some questions about the wedding, but she didn’t seem to want to hear about how nice it was and how much fun I had. I think she wanted me to be miserable and for the wedding to have been full of screw-ups or something.

My first cousin, who is 6 years younger than me, was there. A year or so ago she wrote an email to the family saying that she decided to divorce her husband and that she has been suffering from depression. I wrote her a long email back telling her about my experiences with mental illness, as well as other people in the family who have suffered as well. She and I talked about it a little, but then she dropped out of sight. I saw her last August after she called me out of the blue, and we were supposed to get together again, but again she dropped out of sight. I tried emailing and facebooking her but she never got back to me. I invited her to my house last December, but didn’t hear back from her.

Saturday when I saw her at the wedding the first thing she said was, “It’s been a hard year.” Later in the day she told me what was going on with her. She was very depressed, suicidal, and even sent her son to live with his father for the school year. She told me that she was thinking about driving into a tree.

This prompted me to tell her about what has been going on with me (I never knew anyone else actually thought about driving into trees). I told her that she was the first person I’ve told. When she was suicidal she told her mother and her mother came down to stay with her for a while, but she said her mother was mean to her. Which she is. She also told her boyfriend, and he was freaked out by the whole thing. So basically she had no good support, although she did get a therapist. This is probably why I don’t tell anyone, I wouldn’t get good support either.

She and I have a lot in common, including the fact that we both isolate when we are feeling depressed. We both made a promise to try to push at the other when we sense that we are withdrawing, because I think we can be supportive for each other. I’m not sure how I feel about revealing all of this to another person though, of course it makes me feel vulnerable and I have trouble trusting people. What if she tells anyone else in the family? Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I’m going to just trust that by telling someone I have made an important step.

Tags: anxiety, family, flying, suicide, xanax