Harriet M. Welch

So boys and girls we have a winner!  Ding ding ding ding ding…..

The winner is Ron.  I’m sorry that I do not have a prize for you, Ron.  Although you did choose the correct number, the context was a little off.  You said that you thought my therapist might want to discuss whether or not it is worth it to continue in therapy.  I had written to him that when he asked me that question I immediately thought that he didn’t think it was worth it, but I realized that these were my thoughts, not his, which for me is progress.  However in his email response to me he said that he wants to discuss my thoughts about his feelings towards me.  He thinks “we should try to keep those dynamics closer to the surface; to have more awareness of those dynamics as they occur.”

I’m curious as to why, of all of the nine items, this jumped out at him, especially considering that I did have awareness of those dynamics at the time that they occurred.  I thought I did pretty well with this, unlike the other eight things.  I guess I won’t know unless I ask him.

I’ve been feeling down, and I’m not sure why.  I’ve been cutting, not sure if I should write about that here, but it’s my blog, so I guess I can.  It makes me feel better. When I run along the river I stop and watch the water swirling around, there are parts that are somewhat rough and even a sign that says, “Danger.  An average of 7 people drown in this area every year.”  I wonder if any of them drown on purpose.  The water must be very cold, I would think it wouldn’t take long to drown.  I don’t like the idea of drowning, especially since watching my father die from congestive heart failure, which is basically drowning in your own body.

And I think about my meds stash a lot too.  It sounds so nice to just be able to take a bunch of pills, fall asleep, and die.  However, I know it doesn’t work that way.  I’m sure what would really happen is I would get really sick, and throw up a lot, and maybe even have to go to the hospital, and I would never want that to happen.  But I do think about the pills a lot.

Maybe I haven’t been keeping busy enough, I haven’t worked very many hours this week.  Although I’m not motivated to keep busy, so I’m not sure which came first.  Mr. IRS Seal emailed me yesterday, I thought he forgot about me, which would have been a good thing.  But he didn’t.  He wants to meet me next Wednesday.  Oh well, what’s the worst that can happen?  He’ll see I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m doing and that will be it.

I noticed in my bucket list update yesterday that for the items I completed I considered them “complete”, but for the items I did not complete I considered them “failures”. Poor choice of words, but typical of me. So I need to change “complete” to “success” or change “failure” to “incomplete”. And maybe I’ll change #1 to unsure, thanks to your comments.

I went to see my new client yesterday. I met with her and her husband, and they are both very nice, and intelligent, and just overwhelmed with stuff they don’t have time or energy to do. I felt badly for her, as she had told me she is suffering from depression. She is actually a lawyer, but hasn’t been able to work for a long time due to her mental health issues. Her emotions were really close to the surface, and she started to cry a few times as we talked. Her husband runs, so we talked about that too. She asked me if she could put my info out on an email list that she is on for moms in her neighborhood (it’s a big neighborhood – they live in the city), and I said sure.

Within a couple of hours I got an email from a financial planner/accountant saying that he saw her post. He was wondering if he could meet with me to talk about referring clients to me so that I can work in conjunction with him in helping them get organized prior to them meeting with him, because he just handles the financial planning aspect, and people frequently can’t get their information together and therefore can’t take advantage of his services, or he can’t help them because they don’t have the correct information.

I haven’t responded to him yet. This guy is a real professional, with a real business. His email has the official IRS disclosure and confidentiality stuff that people in his profession use, he has a whole bunch of letters after his name, and he seems to think that I am some kind of professional as well – that I might actually know what I am doing. I hate when this happens. I hate not having confidence. I’m avoiding answering him, because I don’t know what to say. My choices are:

Tell him I don’t have time in my schedule to meet with new people, although he’ll know that is not true because he saw the post on the email list

Avoid answering at all

Meet with him and fake the fact that maybe I have no idea what I’m doing, which actually is what I usually end up doing, but it causes a lot of anxiety

I also got another email from someone asking about my services. This one I know I can handle, it’s a woman whose paperwork is in disarray, and she has a small business. I checked out her website, she is belly dancer, but her business is as a Certified Wellness and Sensual Lifestyle Coach. I’ve never heard of that before, but it sounds pretty interesting. I’ll definitely get back to her, dealing with papers in bags and boxes is the kind of stuff I can do.

About the wellbutrin. I really don’t think it’s doing anything, except causing the head buzzing and sleep problems. I woke up the other night at 1am because my head was buzzing so loudly, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I had the goal of continuing the meds until the end of January, then I’ll re-evaluate. I really wish it was doing something for me, but judging by my emotions lately I don’t think it is.

So while I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep even though I had taken a klonopin (which I promise myself is a one time thing, I am not going back to the days of klonopin = sleeping pills since it took me 4 months to break that habit) I thought about what I was feeling yesterday. I think it goes like this:

Build up a little trust – take a risk – see what happens

If what happens is positive I get to take one baby step forward, like in mother may I.

If what happens is negative I get to take 10 giant steps backwards, plus even losing a turn.

Yes, the positive reinforcement has much less of an impact than the negative reinforcement. Maybe that’s why in a marriage 5 positives = 1 negative. (Look up Dr. John Gottman if you want to know more about that.)

Maybe in therapy 5 positives = 1 negative also.

I have difficulty with trust, and with making myself vulnerable. But I force myself to make disclosures every once in a while, and sometimes it ends up well and sometimes I’m left wondering what the hell I just did.

When I sent J the email about the recap of 2009, I took a big risk. I tried to make that letter as honest as possible. I know it was intense and it was long, and maybe I should have broken it down into smaller pieces over a longer period of time, but it was what I was thinking and feeling and I just wrote it all down. And J said it was great and perfect, but you know sometimes what people say and how they behave are different things.

We talked about the email last week, covering the section about having negative feelings about myself, and about the section in which I wrote that he doesn’t validate feelings. He said that didn’t bother him, but he mentioned that paragraph a couple of times, and of all the things to talk about from the email that’s the one he chose. Which is fine.

I also wrote in the email about:

My problems with communication and feeling misunderstood
Not seeing friends because of food issues
Being on the bell curve and being in the middle vs either end
Feeling different, not really knowing why I feel different, why am I different
Forgetting things I’ve done or said
Medication issues
The problem of intrusive thoughts

Yesterday I just thought perhaps there was more to talk about from that list of concerns. We did talk about food and eating which ties into #2 on that list, but isn’t exactly the same thing. I think what I’m feeling is that everything else besides negative thinking and feelings validation isn’t worth talking about. I don’t want to say I feel minimized because that implies I have some degree of importance, and I don’t think I have any more or less importance than anyone else (I probably feel I have less importance, but I’m working on getting over that.) So now I’ve taken 10 giant steps backwards, and I guess I’ll be losing a turn. Or maybe more than one.

Why would I make myself vulnerable at this point after experiencing a negative response last time?

I think this must be another example of me being too sensitive and taking things too personally and holding on to negatives. I never know whether it’s me being those things, or if a situation really warrants those feelings. I need some kind of ruler to carry around with me so that I can make objective judgments about my reactions.

But that is how I feel, and feelings aren’t right or wrong, right? But feelings aren’t facts either.

And I emailed my friends to tell them I couldn’t make it for lunch on Friday. One of them emailed back and said she totally forgot about it and she can’t make it either, so then they decided to reschedule and make it dinner instead! I really couldn’t say no, so we agreed to have dinner next week. But it’s ok, I’ve been thinking about it and I haven’t seen them in two or three months. One of these friends I have know for 26 years, and the other for almost 20 years. I think I can handle one dinner, it will be good. I just have to put on my thick skin before I go.

Remember the problems I had with my tooth between July and October? I wrote about it here:

http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=709
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=711
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=720
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=722
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=776
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=799

But to summarize, a couple of years ago my dentist told me that I needed a filling replaced. The tooth wasn’t bothering me, but he is the expert, right?, so I got a new filling. Then I had a terrible tooth ache and I ended up needing a root canal and a crown.

So I went to a new dentist. Last year she told me I needed a filling replaced, the tooth wasn’t bothering me and I told her about my previous experience and that I didn’t want a new filling. She finally convinced me to do it in July. A few days after she put in the new filling I got a terrible tooth ache. This led to going back to her office, she looked at the tooth and told me there was nothing she could do, the filling was fine, I needed a root canal. I kept putting it off trying to find another reason for the pain, but ultimately I made the appointment for the root canal. In the meantime my tooth got infected and I needed antibiotics first. Then finally I had the first part of the root canal, and when the appointment for the second part came around my mother’s husband died and I had to postpone it. Then my tooth got infected again, and I had to take a different antibiotic which I had an allergic reaction to and got hives all over my body. The endodontist prescribed me a different antibiotic, the infection cleared up, I had the second root canal (oops I forgot to mention my bad reaction to the Novocain both times), and then the crown. All of this ended in October.

Today I went to the dentist for my regularly scheduled tooth cleaning. After the hygienist was done and while I was waiting for the dentist, I happened to see my chart on the counter right next to me, and I took a little browse through it. I read what the dentist wrote about me in August when I went back to see her after the filling and while I was in extreme pain taking 20 Advil every day. She wrote that she checked the tooth and the filling is fine and I need a root canal. She also wrote that “the patient is very upset, and is rude to me and to the other dentist who suggested she needs a root canal. Patient may need to be discharged from our practice.” Gulp.

Me? Discharged? I am the perfect patient! I’m never late, I don’t cancel, my checks don’t bounce, I’m pleasant…. However, the day in question was a bad day for me. I was angry that she talked me into having this filling replaced, I was angry that I now needed a root canal and a crown that would cost about $2500, I was in very bad pain, and I was rude. Yes, I was rude to her. I think I was crying as well. I know that there is no excuse for rudeness, and I’m sorry I was rude. But wouldn’t a dentist understand how someone feels when they have a tooth ache? Don’t they know how it hurts? I’m truly sorry I wasn’t happy and smiling and pleasant, but I felt like shit and I was mad.

When I came in to the office in October for my crown she wrote, “Patient is much more pleasant today.” So I guess she decided not to discharge me. I’ve been going to this office for about 3 years, and once I was rude. Once! I realize that she has the right to keep me or discharge me, she has the right to choose who her patients are, and I’m sure she doesn’t want unpleasant ones. I don’t really think I was so unpleasant that she would discharge me, but maybe I’m wrong about that.

When the dentist came in at the end of the appointment today she was so cheery and friendly, “How was your New Year’s? Did you party?” On and on (we had a very nice relationship prior to the filling)….I had just finished reading what she wrote about me and was not really in the mood to be friendly anymore, but I didn’t want her to think I’m unpleasant so I answered her questions, and asked her what she did on New Year’s Eve.

I felt so bad when I left. Logically I know that I was rude that day in August, that what she wrote in my chart is true, that she can discharge me for whatever reason she chooses. If she doesn’t like people with green eyes, she doesn’t have to treat people with green eyes. But if she discharged me because I have green eyes I don’t think I would be upset about it.

Today I was feeling badly about the whole blog issue and letting my therapist read it. It’s not like I don’t trust him, but now I’m going to feel bad telling him I don’t want him to read it. So I was thinking about that this morning, but I decided to call a friend (the one friend I have left) to ask her if she wanted to go to lunch since she always calls me and I was feeling guilty about never calling her, and she said she would love to go to lunch. I was planning on going shoe shopping, because I always reward myself after the dentist with a new pair of shoes, but then I just felt like shit. We had lunch, and that took my mind off of things for an hour or so, but then I didn’t have it in me to get some new shoes (and that’s saying something!) so I just came home.

I thought the wellbutrin is supposed to take care of stuff like this. Isn’t that why I’m taking it, so that I don’t feel things so sensitively? What is the point of putting up with the insomnia and the head buzzing if I still get upset so easily? And I know I’m too sensitive and I hold onto things too much and too long. And I know that logically this situation made perfect sense and I shouldn’t be upset about it, especially because it all turned out fine. So why am I still thinking about it? At least my teeth are clean.

I keep my blog in a word document (I don’t like to write my posts directly to the blog, too unreliable) and it is currently 285 pages long. That’s a lot of writing in the past year, isn’t it?

I spent the last four days at the beach (not a warm beach, it was a cold beach) with my husband’s family. It went better than I thought it would, and I only took the klonopin twice. My husband’s brother and his wife have a very big beach house and there were 16 of us there, ranging in age from 79 to 12. My sister-in-law only had one tantrum, and no one stormed out this year. And no one made any derogatory comments about my eating. So it was success. When things got loud and overwhelming I went to my room. I also ran 8 miles on Saturday, most of it in the rain. It was actually pretty warm though, so that was good. I’m scheduled to run 10 miles this Saturday and I’m not happy about that. This happens every time I have to run farther than I’ve run before. I don’t think I can do it, I say to myself, “I’m only going to do x miles, and then I’ll see how I feel”, and then I end up running the full distance. But 10 miles sounds like a really long distance. At least I’ll be with my running group, which makes it a lot easier. Saturday I did the 8 miles alone.

I entered the lottery for a local 10 mile race in April, and my name got picked. Apparently a lot of people didn’t get picked, so I guess I’m lucky. I’m nervous about it though, the longest race I’ve ever done is a 10K. Plus I’m not too keen on planning that far ahead these days.

I didn’t have a lot of time to think this week, due to being with family every minute of the last four days. Not sure if that is good or bad.

I hope everyone is well out there, I know some of my blog friends are suffering right now. My wish for all of you for 2010 is to have peace and love in your lives, and no more pain.

Pdoc called me back at 7:00PM last night. He asked me what’s been going on and I explained everything to him. He said it sounds like my anxiety is getting out of control, and he doesn’t think the wellbutrin is contributing to my problems. We talked about klonopin and he called in an rx for me. Picked it up this morning on our way to our little vacation at the beach. I took one about 11AM and feel asleep in the car soon thereafter. Then I felt pretty good today, even though there are a lot of people here at the beach and lots going on. I just have to remember to breathe, and get away to my room when things get overloaded. It will be fine though.

Yesterday I read a little bit of my blog from last year. I’ve been writing this blog for about a year now, prior to that I handwrote in a journal. What’s disturbing is that last December I was talking about stuff in therapy that is exactly the same as what I’m talking about now. How discouraging! Have I made no progress? I read December through February’s posts, and I do think that I have made some progress in some areas, but seem to sliding backwards in others. I am working hard on overcoming the perfectionism, being less critical of myself, and trying to focus on my strengths and talents. It’s not always working, but a lot of times it is.

But the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts don’t seem to be diminished at all compared to what I was talking about to J last year at this time. I also find that last year I was spending a lot of time with friends, going out to lunch and dinner and having people over. I have been isolating myself for quite some time now, and I have basically one friend left that I talk to and see on a regular basis. So that is a step backward.

So I’ve made forward progress in one area, no progress in another area, and reverse progress in a third area. That is discouraging.

….or I’d be dead by now. I started calling pdoc at 4:31PM yesterday, but they close at 4:30PM. I tried at 8:15AM, but they don’t open until 8:30AM. I called at 8:45AM and talked to the office manager, told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I thought I need a prescription for klonopin. She asked if I would like the pdoc to call me back, and I said yes. It is now 4:45PM and he hasn’t called. I did take one of my son’s valium at 11AM, and that seemed to do something for me. I have a lot of those, my son takes them when he gets his teeth cleaned, which he does about three times a year, and his dentist gave us a prescription for 25 of them. So we have extra. Still don’t want to dip into my klonopin stash. It’s so irrational.

So my therapist, J, has been talking about mindfulness a lot lately. Mindfulness sounds so nice, doesn’t it? I imagine Buddhist monks sitting around quietly being mindful. So peaceful. Yeah, I wish.

My problem is the voices in my head. Well, they are not really voices, they are more like images. Not necessarily moving images like a movie, but maybe those old fashioned movies where one image after another flashes by. And those images enter my head when my head is not busy thinking about something else. So if I am thinking about whether or not I turned off the straightening iron and ruminating on this for awhile my brain is nicely busy. You may think it’s not good to wonder all day if I turned off the straightening iron, however it is better than the alternative.

When I try to empty my mind and just enjoy the moment, that’s when bad things happen. Those images start, and they are bad ones. I know the Mindfulness experts say, “Thoughts will enter your mind, you can’t stop them. But you should just acknowledge them without judgment, and then gently bring your mind back to the present moment.” OK, you Mindfulness experts – tell me exactly how to do that. Without judgment? That might be possible for normal people, who might have a thought enter their mind like, “Don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning.” I think I’d be fairly non-judgmental about that thought. But there are certain thoughts and images, very very bad ones, violent, horrendous ones, and then it’s not so easy. Yes I can acknowledge them, no problem. Without judgment? No way. And gently bring my mind back to the present moment? You’ve got to be kidding. I am now in the midst of a panic attack due to the these images that are now in my mind because of the damn mindfulness. Thanks a lot.

I heard about a book the other day, it is called something like Get Out of Your Mind and Get Into Your Life. Wow, that sounds like something I’d like to do. But before I could buy it I had to do the research on it, because I am sick of self help books that say do x, y, and z, but don’t tell you how to do x, y, and z. So in reading the reviews and the sample of the book that I downloaded onto my Kindle, I learned that one of the basic premises of this book is that our thoughts and feelings are a product of our mind, they are not US. Huh? That has got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t even make any sense. Our mind is US, my mind is ME, and whatever my mind thinks or feels is ME. So I didn’t buy the book.

I think I mentioned to J last week that I thought that mindfulness works best for people who have good control of their thoughts. He mentioned the word “medication” and I went somewhere. Not physically, but I guess I zoned out or something because I have no idea what transpired after that. I hate when that happens, because maybe he said something worth listening to. Although if it involved medication then probably not.

I have used mindfulness to ground myself if I am in the midst of an anxiety attack. I used to use it a lot when I flew, because I was a fearful flyer. I would look at the seat in front of me, and check out the fibers, and how they are woven together, and whether they are frayed, and what colors are in them. I got to know a lot about airline seat fabrics. I hate the leather seats, nothing interesting to look at there. So it’s not that mindfulness doesn’t have a place, and it’s not that it does nothing for me. I just don’t think that it’s for someone whose mind does crazy things like mine does.

Although those Buddhist monks certainly look peaceful.