Harriet M. Welch

Yesterday my husband and I went to see my daughter in a horse show. We rarely go, but this could be the last one before she leaves for college. She doesn’t particularly like us to be there, and she gets very nervous when people are watching her. There have been times when I have snuck unseen into horse shows to watch her without her knowing I am there.

We were talking with her coach and some other riders yesterday about how she needs a sports psychologist. She is a pretty good rider, not great, but ok, she doesn’t do rated shows, just local ones. But when she gets in front of a judge everything falls apart. She gets so worked up and tense and nervous. And when I am there it is one hundred times worse. Her coach was telling us how well she did in a show a couple of weeks ago, and the assistant said, “M says she does much better when people aren’t watching her.”

So this show was 1 hour and 45 minutes away, in another state, and of course she never knows what time she’ll be riding. These shows are so boring. First she said she would ride at about 9:30 or 10am, but she actually rode at 2pm. She was riding someone else’s horse, and he is a very good horse. When she was practicing, he did great.

Then it was time to go into the ring, and I said something really stupid. I don’t what got into me, perhaps I was trying to use humor to diffuse the situation, or maybe I was delirious from sitting in the 95 degree heat for 4 hours waiting for her. But I said, “Do good! I hope this will be worth it!” Meaning, worth it for me to travel all the way there and sit there waiting for so long. I know it was such a stupid thing to say.

Then she went into the ring and did terribly. Her horse refused a couple of times, and on her second course she forgot the course! That has never happened. She was riding around and she got to near where her coach was standing and said, “Where do I go?” Argh. Frankly, I can’t figure out how the riders remember the courses, and they have to do two courses, each in a different pattern. So I’m sure it is easy to forget, as a matter of fact the rider before her left off part of the course. But my daugher has never forgotten the course.

So needless to say it was awful, and she was very upset and wouldn’t talk. She did better in the under saddle (the non jumping part) and got a 4th place ribbon (I think there were 6 or 7 riders in the division).

Then we left. I felt so bad about my comment, and I told my friend about it who was there with her daughter. She said something like, “If we said the perfect thing all of the time we wouldn’t be real parents”. It just made me feel so badly because I know she is already under so much of her own pressure when she competes. I’ve tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to show, that she can just ride for pleasure, but she likes to go to shows. I think she likes the social aspect of it, and watching everyone else compete. She is normally a very confident, non-anxious person. This is the only time she has problems.

And tomorrow my son has his blood test at 2pm eastern time. Please send positive thoughts our way if you remember! We’re doing Emla cream to numb him, and xanax to sedate him. I called the lab to see if they have anyone experienced in dealing with people with phobias and they gave me the exact answer I knew they would, “Sure, everyone here!” Yeah, right.

Being a parent is hard sometimes.

Tags: anxiety, daughter, guilt, son

Lately I’ve been getting into other people’s experiences and emotions a little too much, to the point where I am overwhelmed emotionally. This is happening with friends, co-workers, hotline callers, the foster child I work with and his support team, and family. I know I have empathy for people, but it is often hard to control. I am feeling the need to take a step back from everyone and chill for a minute.

I recently read this article on a blog about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and it is very enlightening.

Recently, I came across a discussion about HSPs, empathy, wanting to help and codependence. The point was made that—as HSPs—we have a deep sense of empathy, which makes it very easy (“natural” even) to “get into another person’s experience,” but that doing so often really is less about wanting to help, than about escaping from certain unaddressed issues of our own. And that the tendency to rush to help and enmesh ourselves (and “rescue”) in other people’s lives can really be quite unhealthy in the way it leads us to “forget” or “overlook” taking care of ourselves.

This makes me uncomfortable. I have talked about this in therapy, that I don’t help people because of a sense of wanting to help people, I do it to make myself feel better because I think I’m a bad person. It’s nice to see someone else put this in writing, because it’s not something really talked about. But instead of rushing to help people to make myself feel better, I guess I should work on the underlying issues of why I feel bad first. Then when I volunteer to help someone I won’t have to feel guilty because I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.

I also believe there are many and varied reasons why we “go there,” ranging from actual (conscious or UNconscious) fear of examining our own unaddressed issues, to enmeshment and codependence issues, to a sort of arrogance (Yes, I really DID just say “arrogance,” about HSPs!) in which we assume we simply “know better” than others what’s good for them. When I looked at this issue in myself, I realized it was all tied into old abandonment issues… by enmeshing myself in other people’s problems, I could make myself “indispensable,” and who’s going to abandon someone indispensable to them? Problem solved!

That is so true for me, I have a fear of people not needing me, so if I make myself indispensable to them they will never abandon me.

I should add, however, that I believe there are healthy and toxic expressions of this tendency… although many are probably “unhealthy” to various degrees… However, if you are simply a very giving and selfless person, who’s also very aware of your own “bag of goods,” a deep caring about healing and the well-being of others is definitely not a bad thing.

I am aware of my bag of goods, which in my case is probably an extremely large piece of luggage, however is just being aware enough?

So how do we assess what’s really going on with us? I believe that acceptance of– and then maintaining an ongoing mindfulness about the fact that we do this– offers us an invitation to pause and then exercise self care. The key word there is SELF. For me, that was a strange “pill” to swallow… I came to see how I was (often passive-aggressively) offended by anyone who took care of themselves FIRST, and by extension felt “offended” by the notion that I should take care of me. Of course, that was really just a “smoke screen” laid over a deeper issue. That issue being my pathological fear that people would not like me and abandon me if my focus was no longer on “being useful” to them. Ultimately, I had to face my root fear that I was not loveable simply as a person, but only to the extent I could “do things” for others. In one of those ironic twists of life, it was actually that very “excessive helpfulness” that made me come across as rather arrogant and needy, at the same time.

I could have written this, but slightly differently. I don’t feel offended by the notion that I should take care of me first, I just don’t feel I deserve to be taken care of, by me or anyone. I do feel that I need to be useful to people, or they won’t want me around anymore. I wonder if I am coming across as arrogant and needy? I don’t see that, but I don’t see what others see.

I heard something noteworthy, a while ago: “Taking care of YOURSELF is respecting, caring about and loving other people.” On the surface, it took me aback, a bit. At first, I struggled to agree. After all, I’d “processed” a lot of old garbage to reach a place that felt to me like I was finally “just being.”

But really? It’s TRUE. When I take care of myself, and my needs, I am making a statement to others to the effect that “I care enough about YOU to offer you my BEST and “examined” self, not just a ‘broken and damaged’ version of myself with just as many issues as anyone else.” In case that’s not coming across as being very nice or clear… think of it this way: On a psychological/spiritual level, it’s exactly the same as taking a shower, combing your hair, and wearing clean clothes when you leave your house to go spend time with friends. You care enough to do that… so take some time out to care enough to “tidy up” your heart, mind and soul, too.

This makes so much sense. Of course other people would rather spend time with a mentally healthy person than a screwed up person with a large piece of luggage filled with icky baggage. Which I guess is why I have been isolating myself for so long now, thinking no one will want to be around me.

So maybe instead of getting so overly emotionally involved with all of these other people, I need to just step back and observe and stay out of their issues for a while. I need to come to grips with the fact that, yes, they may abandon me if they don’t need me, but maybe I didn’t really need them either. And what is it taking out of me by being emotionally drained all the time? I can use that energy to work on myself, to try to fix the things that need fixing within me, so that when I do decide to reach out and help someone I can do it from a position of strength instead of desperation to be needed.

Tags: empathy, self care, sensitive

Thank you to everyone who was supportive to me yesterday. To the person who was not I would like you to know that your comments upset me very much and I was very sad for the entire day. But today I took a blog buddy’s advice and emailed J this morning.

It would really help me if you could give me more notice of your absences, like you always have in the past. Well, I know you gave me a week and that is great, I know sometimes things come up. But I found it really hard when you dropped the news on me as I was walking out the door. So maybe earlier in the session next time? I realize it is just me and my over-sensitivity, but still. Thank you.

He responded:

I thought that I had mentioned my absence last week. That is how I traditionally address the issue. If I neglected to inform you last week, I apologize.

I responded:

No, you didn’t. I guess you forgot. These things happen – have fun at the beach.

This brings up a lot of feelings from the past. I always felt like people didn’t pay much attention to me. This is partially my own behavior though. As I have mentioned before both my father and my sister were sick when I was a child, and I took it upon myself to take care of myself and not to bother anyone. So people tended to ignore me knowing I didn’t need them for anything. And I perceived this as forgetting about me.

People continue to do this to me, because of my tendency to be so “independent”. But you know what I really want? I want people to remember me, to care enough about me that they don’t forget about me.

Tags: feelings, therapy

It’s been kind of weird being here at the beach by myself. I think I am the only person who is at the beach alone. There are many families, couples, groups, friends, adult children with parent combos, etc. And me. I do a lot of people watching, reading, listening to podcasts (This American Life is my favorite), napping. It is very hot, but the water is very cold. As the day goes on, one must go in the water and it feels really good. My beach is very crowded, but the last two nights I’ve gone over to the state park which is pretty deserted. I hung out for a while there last night and took some photos.

I feel sad being here alone, which I know is stupid because I wanted to come by myself. I just feel isolated, which is what I have done to myself over the past year. On the one hand it feels safe, on the other hand it feels empty and without connection.

I feel stuck. But if one is going to be stuck there is no better place to be stuck than at the beach.

Tags: beach, isolation, sadness

Yeah, the Purell thing is just keeping my mind off of the real issues. But it’s not even really doing that, so now I’m thinking about the real issues and the Purell. Which really sucks.

I never said anything to my husband this week about the things I wanted to talk to him about. At first I was thinking it was because I couldn’t remember all of the words that J gave me to say. But it’s not the words. It’s me and my inability to say the words due to all of the baggage that I am carrying around all the time. And it is getting heavy.

Tomorrow I am going to the beach for three nights/four days by myself. The last few years I have gone with a friend, the same friend each time. But now we are not friends anymore. However, I found out yesterday that she is going to the beach this week with another of her friends. I’m sure I’ll run into her, it’s not a very big beach. I am not happy about this, I just wanted to get away, not deal with anyone, be by myself, forget everything going on at home and in my life. Now I’ll spend the whole time keeping an eye out for her. Of course I’ll be totally polite and nice when I see her, and I’m sure she will be the same to me. It’s sad that we are not friends anymore, but in a way it is better.

She is a Purell addict herself. Maybe this is how I can divide up people in the future – people I want in my life and people who I don’t want in my life. Purell avoiders/Purell addicts. When I meet someone new I’ll ask their opinion of Purell. Weed out the negatives right away.

Tags: beach, friends, husband, purell

Another husband thing or two. This could go on for a few days, so if you stop reading my blog I’ll understand.

I talked to the landscaper today and he had very good explanations for why the charges were so high this year. We’ve been working with him for about 10 years and I trust him. I sent an email to my husband saying that the landscaper would be happy to talk to him and gave him his cell phone number. I also said that he would be happy to come give us an estimate next time before he does the work. I also told him that if he would like a new landscaping company he can call around and find one. Based on that, I think we’ll be sticking with the one we have now.

Then something unusual happened this evening. My husband brought in the mail. He never does that. If I don’t get it, it stays in the mailbox. When I get it, I divide it up. Junk goes in the recycling bin, my husband’s mail goes in his basket in the coat closet, my mail goes to my office. If the kids get mail I make piles on the counter.

When my husband got the mail he took his mail out of the pile and left the rest on the counter. Better than on the bed like some people’s husbands do (not mentioning any names). The rest of today’s mail consisted of junk, magazines for my son, and envelopes for my daughter. There was also a very large envelope addressed to “The Parents of xxxxxx (my daughter’s name)”. It is from her new university. He left that in the pile on the counter. As to further inform me that he does not consider himself a parent of her. What more proof do I need?

Tags: asshole, husband, parenting

Here are two examples of things that happened this week that represent my husband and my roles in our marriage.

The first is in regard to our horse. We own a horse that my daughter rides and we have been trying to sell him since the winter. My daughter’s coach says the market is very bad, he can’t do lead changes, and he is hard to sell. We cut the selling price in half. The other day her coach sent me email asking me if we need a tax deduction because if we donate him we can get a tax deduction of $9000. So I forwarded the email to my husband and he said he would rather we sell the horse than donate him, and he asked me what the current selling price is. When I forwarded him the email, the coach’s email was right on it, and he could easily have responded directly to her. But no, he responded to me and expected me to relay this information on to her, which of course I did.

Then today he sends me an email saying he got the bill from our landscaping company and the spring clean up cost $986. His email to me said, “Just got the latest bill. They charged us $986 for spring cleanup on May 6. Let them know to not do any work other than mowing and we will get another service for next year.”

So I asked him if there was an email address on the bill, he said no. I went to their website, got the email address and copied his email to send to them. I later received an email from Paul, the landscaper, who explained the reasoning behind the cost, and I sent this to my husband, who responded, “I know there was more tree damage this year, but it still seemed very high.”

I really really wanted to tell my husband to deal with both of these situations himself instead of putting me in the middle. If he wants information, or if he is unhappy with a service, why do I have to be the messenger? Then I think, well, he works hard all day, he makes all the money, my work can’t compare, etc. But I also think, he spends time during his day on Stub Hub buying tickets to concerts and sporting events, he goes out to lunch every day, he buys books on ebay all the time, etc.

So I kind of tried to compromise in these two instances, but I really think I did end up being the mediator. I know that there are men out there who deal with certain household or parenting issues even though they work. I see the emails and phone calls my boss makes on behalf of his children and things that need to be done at his home. I shouldn’t compare my husband to anyone because he is his own person, but I wish he would step up to the plate. I did know what I was getting into when I married him though, it’s not like it’s a surprise. Well, the parenting part is, because he wasn’t a parent when I married him. But I knew he was not an assertive person and he didn’t like conflict.

All of these little things are now building up and annoying me more and more.

And the thing about the power point yesterday? I wasn’t really serious about that, OK?

Tags: husband, marriage, parenting

My heart is pounding, I don’t know why. I think I’ll go take one of those little heart pills the doctor said I could take if my heart is beating too fast. I wish it would stop.

Friday I went in to work for S and I didn’t say anything about our conversation about my son. We acted as though it never happened. That is always safe. I was telling her about how I am going to the beach for a few days next week. She asked who I am going with and I said no one, just myself. She said, “Just by yourself?” She said if she went to the beach for three days by herself she would be bored. I said I wouldn’t be bored, I plan to relax.

She said, “You are the most independent person I know. You went to Mississippi by yourself and you’re going to the beach yourself.” I said, “Well, I wanted to go and no one wanted to go with me, so what is the alternative?” She said, “Don’t go?”

I know she was giving me a compliment, that I am independent, and I appreciate that. I value independence. But it made me feel bad too, because the reason I am so independent is because I can’t/don’t/won’t trust anyone to be dependent on.

And I have really been isolating myself for about the last year or so, and I just want to be by myself. I don’t think it is a good thing, but it is what it is.

I’m so afraid of being needy, even the slightest bit. I don’t think being needy is a good thing, I think because my mother stressed that while I was growing up. Take care of yourself, don’t depend on anyone. I don’t remember her saying that, but that is how she was, so I guess I modeled her behavior. I look at my sister, who is very needy, and it creeps me out. I think it is disgusting.

Logically I know people have needs. Maslow says so. I don’t want to have any needs. The problem is I know I do have needs, and when people don’t meet my needs I get hurt or mad. So the whole thing doesn’t even make any sense.

I’m just wrong. Everything about me is wrong. But people look at me and think I’m so independent, can take care of myself!!! Yay for me!! But they don’t see that I’m just screwed up.

Tags: independent, needy, son, trust

I’m thinking about my conversation with the woman I work for that I had the other day. I’m starting to feel a little angry about the whole thing actually. I was feeling good about my decision in regards to my son, the one I’ve been writing about a lot lately so you know what I’m talking about. When the issue of my son came up with her and I told her what I had decided I was feeling confident and calm about it.

But she didn’t like it obviously, and she let me know. She did it in a very kind way, and she kept saying, “I’m not a therapist” but she was asking me questions like a therapist would. And she was telling me what to do. I don’t understand why she would do that if I didn’t ask her to. I guess I was just looking for a response something along the lines of, “It sounds like you are happy with your decision, I’m glad you feel good about it.” The end.

Why did it turn into a whole mess, with me left crying and miserable? Is that what friends do?

Later on I sent her an email saying “I apologize for the meltdown and that I was feeling really good about my decision regarding A, so I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry I subjected you to my issues.”

Her response was, “No apology necessary. I consider you my friend and I am here to support you, laugh with you and cry with you. I can understand your angst. Take care of yourself. S”

Now I am feeling like I want to confront her and say, “Look, I didn’t ask to be therapized by you. If you consider yourself my friend why can’t you just support me like you say you want to instead of telling me what to do and delving into my personal life that you don’t even understand?”

But I don’t know what that would accomplish. It would probably just mess up our relationship, so I’ll suck it up and ruminate on it and never forget it. I’m already annoyed at her because she wants me to work Monday mornings instead of Monday afternoons which means I can’t visit my foster child and it makes no difference in the amount or quality of my work whether I go in the morning or the afternoon.

This is why I can’t stand people sometimes. And why I isolate and just want to be alone. It’s easier.

Tags: anger, son, work

Yesterday I got an email from the library saying the book I requested to be put on hold is available for pickup. I don’t remember putting this book on hold, I wonder what that means.

Calling it quits : late-life divorce and starting over / Deirdre Bair.
Bair, Deirdre.
call number:306.89 BAI

Hmm.

Which leads into what happened last night. I worked during the day as usual, but since I had been out of town for two days I had missed my usual day of working for the college consultant, so we agreed I would come in last night. I had some time to kill between the jobs, so I stopped at the local watering hole and downed a couple glasses of merlot in about ½ an hour.

Got to work and S and I were chatting about what there was that needed to be done and how my trip was. Which led to a discussion about how my daughter and my son are so different, which led to me telling her about my decision to let up on my son and stick with doing nothing for a while.

I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I guess she told me that that isn’t a good idea. And then we got into a whole discussion about my husband and what he is and isn’t doing and how I signed up to be the stay at home mom 20 years ago but didn’t realize that meant that I would be the only parent and I don’t want that arrangement anymore. I already have two children, I don’t need to be parenting the other parent here.

I am tired of doing everything myself. I don’t understand why he gets away with doing nothing and I do everything. Because he makes the money? Well, now I’m working too, and granted I am making a mere fraction of the amount of money he makes, but I still do all of the other stuff too.

On Sunday after the graduation party I cleaned up with whole house and I washed all of the dishes and left them to dry on the counter next to the sink. When I came home late Tuesday night those dishes were still sitting there. Neither my husband nor my son had thought to put them away. The dishwasher was full of clean dishes and no one emptied it. No one but me EVER empties the dishwasher. I know this is not a reason to leave my family, but it is a metaphor for everything that is wrong with the family dynamics.

I told S that when my daughter leaves to go to college I am going to leave home too. I don’t know where that thought came from, but it sounds so appealing.

S said that I really need to tell my husband how I feel, because men are stupid. I told her that I thought he is selfish, and she said yes, he is that too. But I said it is too risky to tell him how I feel. Now I can be in denial that he is just stupid and selfish, but if I tell him how I feel and that I need changes in our relationship in order for me to stay, he might just say he isn’t willing to do that. Knowing the truth is much scarier than being in denial.

I was a mess, crying, sobbing, etc. That’s what I get for drinking before I decide to spill my guts to someone. Woke up this morning with swollen eyes and a pounding head. I’m basically not speaking to my husband at this point. This started the night he told that the doctor said I should call him because mothers are better at this stuff than fathers. It has been a downward spiral since then. I’m ready to get out. I’m done.

Tags: divorce, drinking, husband, work