Quick update on my life:

1. House went on the market 1/18
2. Got an offer 1/21
3. Have been negotiating with the potential buyer for 10 days, they are very unreasonable
4. They have until Friday to get back to us, in the meantime the house is off the market
5. Told my husband that when we sell the house we should separate
6. Not much response from him
7. I talked to him a couple more times and said I need to be involved in our finances
8. He brought home a few bills
9. Told him he better continue to include me, that I wasn’t making an empty threat
10. Figured out we can’t afford two places to live, so separating isn’t an option

I saw Art T on Monday and I decided to totally shut down, I couldn’t deal with any emotions. I have been too stressed out with the house and the marriage and the finances. It was like having a session with J. I told her everything that is going on, she asked some questions, then she did a lot of talking. Just like J did.

She said, “You are speaking so rationally.” (You mean, without emotion?)

She said that it seems my husband doesn’t “engage” and she asked if there has been anyone else in my life that was important to me who didn’t “engage.” I said that there was not.

She then went on to try to convince me that my parents didn’t engage with me.

First of all, I am not sure that is totally true, and second of all, what does that have to do with my husband?

She said it would be a good idea to journal about this, or think about it. Sure, I’ll do that.

First I saw Art T this morning, and I had last seen her Wednesday, then left for a road trip with my daughter on Thursday to take her back to school, and didn’t get back until last night. So I talked about how nice the trip was and how great it was to be with my daughter, and we laughed and talked, and it was good. Art T asked me questions about my daughter, and asked if my daughter knows me well. That was a good discussion, but at one point she asked what do I think my daughter would think about me if she knew about my issues. I quickly changed the subject, I was getting emotional and didn’t want to go there.

Then I told her I was going to see J in the afternoon and we spent the rest of the time talking about that, and what I would like to have happen, and what I want to tell him, etc. It was a good discussion.

I was very anxious about seeing J. I was meeting with him for an hour and a half, since I asked for a double session, and I had been so confident about what I wanted to say, but when the time actually came, I wasn’t sure I could say it.

It was nice to see him, and nothing in his office was changed. I did forget to look at the bookshelf to see if my box and my rock were still there, and he didn’t say anything about it. It has been almost 6 months since I last saw him. I told him that I wrote him emails, but he didn’t get them because I didn’t send them. And that I had two directions that I wanted to go in during the session.

So I started out telling him what had been going on in my life, and the problems with my husband and our financial stuff, and selling our house, etc. That lasted an hour, and it was a really good discussion, because J is good at problem solving, and he didn’t defend my husband like he had in the past. He definitely thinks there is a gambling problem going on, and he knew my marriage wasn’t great before, but it wasn’t terrible so there was really no reason to leave, but now things have changed and I have to decide what to do. We talked about addictions, and I asked him if he had been to rehab, something I always wondered. He said he had been twice, once in college when he partied a lot, and rehab didn’t work because he thought it was a just a physical thing. But the second time he went he understood that he had to deal with all of that feelings stuff, and that made his rehab successful. I told him that I didn’t picture him partying in college, and he said that I knew about his drug problem. But I thought he was addicted to pain killers from an old football injury, and he said it started in college, since he was in pharmacy school he had easy access to the drugs.

Anyway….the conversation about my life lasted an hour and then I asked if we could go in the other direction. I started by saying that every time I would see him, for 4 years, I was anxious. And I thought about therapy all the time, and analyzed everything, and ruminated, etc. He said that he knew that. I said when the break first started I was feeling great about it, like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I asked why did I keep coming back? I said that I rarely felt better after a session, even though he said his other clients did, and I always felt the need to explain more which is why I sent emails. And that I was totally shut off from emotion and felt like I was reporting.

I brought up the old thing about how he intimates me, and I know he doesn’t like to talk about it, but it is like this giant elephant in the room. And I explained how when I was young, people like him didn’t talk to people like me (by the way, he said he was captain of the football team, but not prom king). And I said that I have no idea if he was nice to girls like me in school, or mean to them, or if he even noticed them, but my experience tells me he wasn’t interested in talking to them at all.

Then I talked about what I wrote here the other day, how I wanted my son’s T to be my son’s father. And I repeated back to J all of the things he said over the years, about worrying about his wife and daughters, and playing games with his daughters, and getting up in the night to check on them when they were sick, etc. And how my husband didn’t do any of those things. I said that whenever he would say something like that, it would be all I could remember from the session. J said he was just saying those things incidentally, and I said that I knew that, but they made a big impact on me. And I said that I don’t want him to take this the wrong way, but he was like a substitute husband to me. And maybe that was why I kept showing up week after week. He said he didn’t take that the wrong way at all, but he wanted to know how the intimidation fit into that. Did I think I wasn’t worthy of a husband who did those things?

Now that I think about that, it could be right, but I said that the intimidation factor wasn’t related to that, it was more about the leftover feelings from when I was young. That after 40 years I still believe what I believed then. And I thought if I continued to see him it would get better, like exposure therapy, but that never happened. He asked me how I was feeling in session today, and I said that I felt a lot better than I normally do, and he said he noticed that as well. I said that when I was sitting in the waiting room I thought to myself how stupid I am to be intimidated by him, basically I am paying him and he is working for me. Not exactly, but kind of, and he agreed. I told him that I got my car washed before I came over because his car is always so clean. But today his car was filthy. And it was ridiculous that I felt that I had to have a freshly washed car to go to therapy. He obviously didn’t care if he had a dirty car if he was seeing me.

Then I talked about finding a new T. I didn’t like the way he looked when I was talking about this, and this part of the conversation didn’t last long. Art T told me that she was afraid I would tell J that I found a new T because I needed a participating provider and I wanted a woman, when actually what I wanted was a different kind of therapy. It would have been easy to go that route, but I did tell him that the therapy with her is very different, and not so much problem solving, which I think leads to dependence on one’s T. And how he is very good at problem solving. He told me that everything that a client comes in with is a problem. He asked me what Art T’s profile said on the website, and I explained that she said that she likes to work with people who have difficulty with emotions, and poor body image, and self harm, and existential issues. I did kind of lie and say I had only seen her for a couple of months and I didn’t know if I would keep seeing her.

This second discussion lasted about a half hour and it was time to wrap up, and J asked what I thought we would do next. I asked if he had any clients who came in periodically, rather than weekly, and he said he did, and that is fine. I said maybe in 3 months? He said, “no”. I said, “Six months?” He said, “No.” He said he didn’t want to put a time restraint on it, if I want to come in in 6 weeks that is fine, or in 6 months. Then he went on to describe 4 or 5 clients/couples who would come in periodically for various reasons.

I did ask him if he ever thought of telling me I should find a different therapist since it was so hard for me, and he said no, he never thought of that. He said that first, someone who has issues with self worth could have a strong feeling of rejection if their T referred them to someone else. And also he said he never gives up on anyone, that what someone first comes in with may not be what ends up being a problem. He gave an example of a woman who came in because she was having trouble with the death of her 80 year old father after three months. After a while in therapy it turned out that she was really having trouble getting over her divorce which happened 12 years prior, and once she figured that out she only had to come 2 or 3 more times and she felt better. He gave another example of a teenager who is sent to therapy by his parents and he doesn’t want to be there, but after a while he opens up and starts to like therapy and benefit from it. And he said he had a couple of people who didn’t talk at all for the entire 45 minutes, but he just waited and they eventually opened up too. So I guess after 4 years he still had confidence that it would get easier for me.

I said that I thought having 90 minutes was really good too, because it is hard for me to get started. He said he had never done a 90 minute session before and I was surprised by that. He said, “I know you, I respect you, and if that is what you wanted, it was fine with me.”

When I left I didn’t feel that there was anything left unsaid. I felt a good connection, and no defensiveness from either of us. He didn’t freak out when I said he was like a substitute husband. I thought our discussions about both of the topics went really well, and even though talking about Art T was a little weird, it wasn’t terrible.

I am happy that it doesn’t have to be goodbye forever.

Dear J,

Hey, it’s me again. I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year’s. I’m sure you were with your family having lovely family celebrations. I was with my family on Christmas and it was nice actually. It’s always great to see the kids together.

On Monday I told Art T that I have been ruminating about my therapy with you. We talked about how I think everything that went wrong with it was my fault. I asked her, if you knew it was a bad fit, why didn’t you refer me to someone else? Hmm, I can’t remember what she said, I’ll have to ask her again. But I said that if you did refer me to someone else I would have been very upset, so it was a no win situation for you, and for me. I did tell her that I always felt like I should leave and see someone else, and I did try a few times, but most therapists wouldn’t even see me for a consultation while I was still seeing you. She asked me what I was looking for once I knew more about therapy and that there were different types and I said “someone who is a little bit Carl Rogers, a little bit Carl Jung, a little bit existential, and a little bit CBT to get through the day to day stuff.” She said, “That’s great, because that is what I am.”

She asked me why I kept going to see you and I told her I didn’t want to start over with someone else. She asked me if part of the reason I stayed was so that I wouldn’t upset you and I told her that I hardly believe that I made that much of an impact on you that you be upset if I left. She said that maybe I wanted proof that you cared about me, and I said, like if I quit would I want him to beg me to stay? I don’t think I would want that. I told her about last September when we had the discussion about how you cared about me, and you seemed very sincere.

Then we talked about your discomfort when I would mention that you intimidated me, and how you didn’t want to talk about it. She asked me why I didn’t ask you why you didn’t want to talk about it, and I said that if you had a problem with it, it was your problem and aren’t therapists supposed to work out their own problems with another therapist, or a supervisor? That I wasn’t there to do therapy on you.

I told her about that time I asked you why you laugh when I tell you about my feelings. This is what I wrote about it in my blog:

I told him about how whenever I talk about something emotional he makes a joke. I asked him if he knows he does that, and he says he does. He tries to lighten things up sometimes. I asked him why and he said, “Like an ice breaker.” I asked him why the ice needs to be broken, if I am bringing up a sensitive topic. He says he does it to make the other person more comfortable. I asked him why he needed to make the other person more comfortable, if they are talking about uncomfortable feelings isn’t it ok for them to feel uncomfortable? Is there something wrong with that? He said, “I don’t think I said that.” He said he meant that he wants to make the other person more comfortable in talking about their feelings. He did say that it doesn’t work for some people, and he is glad I am telling him.

Art T says that was really good that I brought that up with you, and also really good that you recognized it is not a good technique for me. That is true. But I also told her about how you were always telling me what to say to people, even though I kept telling you the problem isn’t knowing what to say, it is saying it.

Which led to her asking me why it is hard for me to say things. She said, “How does it feel physically?” I said, “Are you asking me that horrible question, where do I feel it in my body?” She said, “Oh yes, you don’t like that question.” I told her that I don’t like the word “body”. I told her that my chest gets tight and when I try to get the words out, my throat locks up and nothing will come out.

I told her that there were times that you responded to me the way my mother or my husband would, and I asked you what I do to make people respond to me in that way. You said that frequently people seek out other people who are similar to those that we have had relationships with in the past, and it is a re-enactment, it is not something I do to make people respond in a certain way. Art T said that is true, and the reason we have these re-enactments is to have a different outcome than we had with the original person. She brought up how my parents didn’t understand me, didn’t meet my needs, etc etc and talked about that for a while. But I told her I don’t think the situation with you is a re-enactment of anything with my parents, I think it is more a re-enactment of situations with my peers.

I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about you – I don’t think that would have been a good use of my $15. Yeah, therapy with her is only $15 per session because she participates in my insurance plan. A big change from the $120 I paid you every week. I wonder if I ever would have left if you were participating in my insurance.

So I showed her the family tree I made of my family and my husband’s family, it had pictures of everyone on it, and red lines between all of the people who don’t speak to one another. All of the red lines, except for the one between my sister and me, originate with my mother. My mother doesn’t even talk to her nieces who are in their 20’s and who have never done anything to her, except be the daughters of my aunt, to whom she doesn’t speak either. Frankly, that really saddens me.

I printed out a story that illustrates my family perfectly, I had told you the story, and I printed out your response too.

I told J about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

Art T and I talked about my mother and emotions. I remember times that she did cry, she does still cry sometimes, she cried terribly when her second husband died, but that was so unexpected and traumatic.

At the end of the session Art T asked if I had any special plans for New Year’s Eve, and I said I guess I had to do something with my husband. I said, “I suppose that is something we need to talk about” and she agreed. I thought it would be easier to talk about my husband with her than with you, since you are the perfect husband and all, but it still seems difficult. I have some big, important decisions to make regarding my marriage, and I am just procrastinating. I really need to come to some conclusions.

So one of my blog friends wrote a very insightful, thoughtful, caring comment on my blog, saying that you aren’t the mean kid from high school. That you are my good-looking, not mean, confidante and advocate. You’ve never done anything mean to me, well, a couple of times you were a jerk, and you admitted it even if you didn’t quite get it. It’s hard to believe that my childhood experiences may not be fact anymore. She says the mean boys are in the past. Is that true? Were you a mean boy in middle school or high school? Maybe you were never a mean boy, you just happened to be good looking, popular, outgoing, smart, athletic and “most likely to succeed”. Maybe you’ll show me a picture of yourself from those years. I’d like to see that.

I’m going to write you an email and actually send it to you, I want to come in and talk with you. I actually want to ask if I can get two sessions back to back so I don’t feel rushed with everything I want to say. I know I shouldn’t spend that much money, but I’ll cut back in other ways this month. Or maybe next month, because my dog needs surgery this month. But soon, expect an email from me.