Harriet M. Welch

I saw the pdoc yesterday. Told him I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. He asked me what kind. I didn’t know the answer, I didn’t know there are different kinds. I said, “Can you make that a multiple choice question?” He asked if I was just thinking about dying in general, or if I had a plan, etc. I told him I have a plan.

He decided I’m depressed. Yay! Another DSM code to add to my mental illness resume. He decided I need medication and told me Celexa would be good. I told him I would research it, and he said that in my state of mind I shouldn’t do that. Huh? Like I just do whatever some doctor tells me to do without checking it out? He said I would know in 4 weeks if it is working, so I said I would try it. But I lied. I’m not going to.

And then, I guess because I am suicidal, he wrote me out my prescription for klonopin, but gave me twice as much as usual, and my prescription for Xanax, also twice as much as usual. Yay, those are the drugs I like.

Tags: medication, pdoc, suicide

This weekend was my cousin’s wedding. It was in Atlanta, and I was pretty calm about flying. I did take my Xanax, which knocks me out (I woke up with a start when the plane touched down – I thought we crashed!), but I would say I’m a pretty comfortable flyer right now. Much different than I was 10 years ago.

The wedding was nice, but it was sad that more family members didn’t come. We have such a small family and for my mother and sister not to be there was just a shame. My mother called me last night and asked some questions about the wedding, but she didn’t seem to want to hear about how nice it was and how much fun I had. I think she wanted me to be miserable and for the wedding to have been full of screw-ups or something.

My first cousin, who is 6 years younger than me, was there. A year or so ago she wrote an email to the family saying that she decided to divorce her husband and that she has been suffering from depression. I wrote her a long email back telling her about my experiences with mental illness, as well as other people in the family who have suffered as well. She and I talked about it a little, but then she dropped out of sight. I saw her last August after she called me out of the blue, and we were supposed to get together again, but again she dropped out of sight. I tried emailing and facebooking her but she never got back to me. I invited her to my house last December, but didn’t hear back from her.

Saturday when I saw her at the wedding the first thing she said was, “It’s been a hard year.” Later in the day she told me what was going on with her. She was very depressed, suicidal, and even sent her son to live with his father for the school year. She told me that she was thinking about driving into a tree.

This prompted me to tell her about what has been going on with me (I never knew anyone else actually thought about driving into trees). I told her that she was the first person I’ve told. When she was suicidal she told her mother and her mother came down to stay with her for a while, but she said her mother was mean to her. Which she is. She also told her boyfriend, and he was freaked out by the whole thing. So basically she had no good support, although she did get a therapist. This is probably why I don’t tell anyone, I wouldn’t get good support either.

She and I have a lot in common, including the fact that we both isolate when we are feeling depressed. We both made a promise to try to push at the other when we sense that we are withdrawing, because I think we can be supportive for each other. I’m not sure how I feel about revealing all of this to another person though, of course it makes me feel vulnerable and I have trouble trusting people. What if she tells anyone else in the family? Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I’m going to just trust that by telling someone I have made an important step.

Tags: anxiety, family, flying, suicide, xanax

Tags: cat, cutting, drinking, family, MalCopS, movies

I’ve been doing some reading about Highly Sensitive People (HSP). I’ll bet that a lot of us are HSP’s. I had bought this book a couple of years ago because I knew that my son had a lot of sensitivities. I did recognize some of the traits in myself, but I put the book aside. This week I stumbled on a website and a yahoo group for HSP’s and started to read about this again. I’m reading the Elaine Aron book again, and I purchased the workbook. I found a website that asked these questions – I’m adding my answers.

Feel like something is inherently wrong with you? yes
Something others seem to know that you don’t? yes
Difficulty relating to most others? yes
Over-analyze everything as you try to understand? Oh yes!
Have a hard time turning your brain off at night to sleep? Definitely
Autoimmune disorder? Food allergies? Muscular tightness/soreness? Digestive issues? Symptoms that doctors have not been able to resolve? Not so much, luckily.
No one really understands you and you feel so alone? Yes
Yet, you desperately want real closeness and intimacy with someone? Absolutely
Feel like you NEED your relationships, even though they aren’t what you really want or would ideally CHOOSE? Exactly
Overwhelmed by your emotions? Frequently, except in my therapist’s office
Get a “buzz” from planning and thinking? Yep
Avoid anger or intense emotions in others? Not so much
Difficulty letting go and just being you? Wouldn’t even know how
Don’t know who you are at times or how to express yourself in a group? Yes
Always doing what others want or need, taking care of others while never letting others care for you? Most definitely
Putting yourself last, if at all? Sometimes
Fall in love quickly, deeply, and intensely? Can’t remember since I haven’t fallen in love lately
Want to be wanted? Need to be needed? Yeeessssss
“Too intense”, “too emotional”, “think too much”, “too sensitive”, “too demanding”, “never satisfied”, “perfectionistic”? YES!!!
Don’t know what your opinions are on the spot? Not so much
Agree to things you later realize you don’t like or want? Sometimes
Hard time saying “no”? Yes
Never seem to find a job that is really satisfying? Yep, and I never will.
Have a hard time with 9 to 5 and having someone looking over your shoulder? Oh yes!
Feel like you have a special “calling” or purpose, but aren’t sure what it is or how to fulfill it? Have radical ideas about improving life? Definitely
Highly sensitive to, allergic to, or overwhelmed by certain lighting, smells, sounds, tastes, textures? Not allergic, but sensitive to these things
Diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Autism, Asperger’s, Anxiety, Depression, Sensory Processing Disorder, Bipolar? A few of those
Get worn out if you are “out” too much and need time totally alone to recover? Yep
Need time alone each day? Lots of it
Have a rich inner life? Too rich actually
Filled with deep thoughts and emotions that feel impossible to communicate to others? YES!
Don’t know how to relax? Always tense? Not really
Either going full force or else totally wiped out? Not so much

I would say I’m an HSP. I met someone recently, a friend of my sister’s. She is an INFP and an HSP. We met up today for shopping and lunch and it was very nice. This was the first time we’ve spent any time alone together and it was nice to get to know her. My sister thinks she is empathic to the point where she can tell what people are thinking. She also thinks this woman gets energy from dead people. I draw the line there, call me a cynic, but I don’t think dead people give off energy. Just my opinion. We had a nice time, and chatted about our Myers Briggs types and our HSPness. I didn’t reveal too much of myself of course, but if she is as empathic as my sister seems to think she is, then she can figure me out for herself!

Does anyone else think they are an HSP? I would venture a guess that many people who suffer from anxiety or depression which isn’t a result of childhood abuse or any type of trauma are HSP’s. After all if we are so sensitive to everything around us it is bound to cause anxiety. And just the fact that we feel so different from everyone else can lead to depression. Hopefully the book will tell me what to do about this.

Tags: emotion, friends, infj, myers briggs, sensitive

Childhood Abuse, Neglect Linked to Later Health Problems

“Researchers have found that adults who experienced early childhood abuse, neglect, social isolation or economic hardship were more likely to exhibit depression, chronic inflammation, and other markers related to increased health risks.”

If you would like to read further click here.

Who actually pays people to come up with this research? Is it really necessary to do research to find this out?

Tags: random

I had an emotional meltdown last night. It seemed like a perfectly fine day until I got home about 9PM. Then I felt like I needed a drink, so made myself one. I have hardly been drinking at all lately, I don’t think I had had a drink since I got back from the beach a couple of weeks ago. I was folding laundry and watching the Sex and the City movie, which is on TV all the time lately. The only time I really watch tv or movies is when I’m folding laundry.

Then I started to feel really down. I continued with my laundry, and the movie, and the vodka, but I also tried to figure out what was causing my depression. I realized that during the day I had received a number of compliments. Was that the problem? I don’t know. I don’t do well with compliments.

First of all, on my morning run with my running group another woman in the group who I run with often told me that I look great.

Next, I went to work for a little bit and the woman I work for told me how brilliant I am when it comes to computer matters (because I told her to click the little plus mark next to a word to expand the menu).

Then I got the mail. There was a letter from the county crisis hotline. I had applied to be a volunteer on the hotline back in February, but they were not in need of volunteers then. But I heard from them last month and they told me that training starts in August and we set up an interview. I had the interview last week, and I thought it went well. The letter yesterday said that I have been accepted into the training program, so I guess they thought it went well also!

Next I went to the pool and ran into a neighbor of mine who is a runner. This woman runs miles every day and has for years. She has the quintessential runner’s body. I’ve been seeing her lately when I’ve been out running. She told me yesterday that I look so good and that I look like a “real” runner (ie; not one of those middle aged ladies that drag their feet on the ground and call it running – not that there is anything wrong with that! I admire anyone of any age who gets out and exercises). She asked me if I’ve lost weight and I said I have and she said I look great and my running looks great too.

Lastly, I was at my volunteer job last night at the baseball team where I work. It’s a collegiate summer league and I sell tickets. I was telling one of the guys who works there that I won’t be at the next few games because my daughter’s and husband’s birthdays are coming up and because I’m going to the beach next week. He said they would miss me, and he is sure that whoever will be selling tickets in my place will not do as good a job as I do. He said when I’m not there people say, “Where is that nice lady who is usually here selling tickets?”

So don’t you think a person would feel great about themselves after a day like this? Why not me? I just hate when people say good things about me. It makes me feel…..I don’t know what. Sad? Confused? Untrusting? Logically I know people don’t say things like this just to be nice, they don’t have to say anything at all. If they are going out of their way to say things it’s because they mean it. So why don’t I feel that?

Tags: beach, compliments, drinking, self esteem

I wake up so depressed every morning. I don’t know if it’s hormonal, or biorhythms, or what. I hear about people who wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, but not me. I drag my ass out of bed, then I weigh myself which probably makes me more depressed, then I waste about two hours, on the internet and watching the stupid Today show, where I can’t even get any news, all I hear are more depressing stories about horrible things like snakes killing toddlers and taking tours of Neverland with Matt Lauer.

As the day goes on I feel better, but from 7am to 9am, or even 10am, I’m totally worthless to myself or anyone else. I wonder what I can do to change this pattern?

Tags: random

I was talking to my MIL and she told me that a friend of my SIL committed suicide a couple of days ago. Well, he wasn’t really a friend, but she knew his wife. He was having gambling problems, financial problems, marital problems, etc etc. He had two kids, aged 16 and 13. The other day his wife smelled carbon monoxide and went to the garage – he had turned on both cars in the closed garage and died. My first thought was – holy shit he could have killed the whole family. My first feeling was jealousy – wow, he was brave enough to do it. My next thought was that it was a cowardly way to commit suicide. I always think about suicide and the different methods and I judge myself on my lack of bravery to be able to kill myself in a truly magnificent way. You know, gun, hanging, jumping from a tall building or bridge. I could never do those. Carbon monoxide I can do, but I feel it’s the cowardly way.

I would not want anyone in my family to find me dead in my car. I also have a hybrid, so the engine turns off and it wouldn’t even kill me. I would have to do it in another family member’s car, and that wouldn’t be fair.

What is suicide ideation anyway? How does one know if one is ideating, or just simply toying with the idea? Does everyone think about suicide?

Tags: death

Last night I sent J, my therapist, an email. He encourages me to write him emails, because I am able to express myself better through writing. I explained that I am angry about our session yesterday. I said that I was driving to Ohio today, a six hour drive, and I was going to be ruminating about my anger the whole trip, and that Thursday I had to drive six hours back! I also wrote about my friend and how I had to see where she was coming from when she was “attacking” me and how I should, perhaps, overlook this and not take it so personally, and that I am seriously considering his words and I appreciate them, even though I might not believe it yet.

He never wrote back.

So now I am more angry than I was yesterday. I hate when people don’t respond to emails. A simple, “I got your email, we’ll talk more about this next week” would suffice. Anything! But I got nothing. I don’t email him very often, maybe once every four sessions or so. And he encourages it, so you’d think he would respond with a word or two.

So I’m in Ohio, picking up my son from college. This might be the last time I come out here, seeing as he is on academic probation and he doesn’t think he got a 2.0 this quarter. If he did not get a 2.0 the school will expel him. This makes me sad because he finally has a social life. The kids here are so much better for him than the kids where we live. They are down to earth, unpretentious, not materialistic, don’t care about labels, etc. Totally the opposite of kids in our town. Today while I was “helping” him pack up his stuff in his dorm room a girl came by to introduce herself to me. Wow, she was hot. She seemed very lovely too. He has such good friends here, and it’s not enough motivation to get him to go to class and do his work. He is incredibly intelligent, and I don’t mean to brag, but he doesn’t do any work. It’s very frustrating.

He’ll be home for 5 days, then he is off to Canada to visit the friend he went to see last summer. She, apparently, is his “girlfriend”, even though they live 2400 miles away from each other and see each other once a year. They met on the internet. I’m wondering if, now that he knows what a real social life is, he’ll be bored for the 4 or 6 weeks he’ll be in Canada doing nothing but watching TV all day and all night.

Meanwhile, I’ve really given up drinking for the most part. I drink once a week – usually Saturday or Sunday night. But I went to Applebee’s tonight, since it’s right next to the Holiday Inn I’m staying in, and I had a salad and a glass of wine. It was a pretty big glass of wine too. And now I’m feeling somewhat depressed. Because alcohol is a depressant, yes I’m an idiot. I know that. Usually one glass makes me feel better, and three or four make me depressed. But maybe since I’ve cut back my tolerance has decreased, and only one glass makes me depressed. That’s depressing.

Tags: anger, drinking, email, friends, son

I don’t know what is going on with me – I’m feeling so down all of a sudden. I think it’s hormonal. I’m very irritable, and I wasn’t feeling like this yesterday. Hmmmm. I have a really busy week ahead, and next week too, so maybe I’m feeling a little stressed about that.

And Wednesday I’m seeing one of the friends who took me out for my birthday dinner a couple of weeks ago, and I haven’t talked to her since then. Since she basically attacked me that night and was so critical and un-empathetic towards me. Her daughters are graduating high school Wednesday and a couple of months ago she had invited my daughter and I to go to the graduation. Over the weekend I emailed her to get the details about where we’re meeting, and what time the dinner is, etc. Other than that I hadn’t heard from her. I also have not heard from two of my other friends since that night.

It’s fine though – like I said yesterday, I just want to get rid of everyone in my life.

Tags: friends