Category Archives: health

Aug 6 2012

August update

Hello readers, if any of you still check here. I thought I would post a little update.

I am taking a therapy break, last Tuesday was my last day for three months. My daughter is going to Europe to do a semester abroad and I want her to be able to travel as much as possible while she is there. The $500 a month I spend on therapy would be better served for her travels, hence the break.

I’m not upset about the break, although I do find myself thinking about J and about therapy every day. At our last session I asked him some questions about therapy and about my progress and I had a list of things that I think I need more work on.

I didn’t want to leave therapy with anything up in the air, but of course that is what happened. I asked J, “How important is it to talk about feelings vs things to do, things to say, behaviors, etc?” and J said that he is solution oriented, and that I am too. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I know he is solution oriented, which seems opposite from his supposed “psychodynamic” approach. Perhaps it is because it is difficult for me to talk about my emotions that he feels I am solution oriented. He also says I am goal oriented, although right now I don’t feel that I have any goals.

On my list of things that I still need work on is: Identifying emotions and figuring out what to do with them.

Maybe he is not fully aware that I continue to use less than great coping mechanisms when I am confronted with a difficult emotion. This is much less severe than it used to be, but whenever I feel a bad feeling my first reaction is to reach for a bottle of wine. I would like to learn what to do with these emotions when they surface, rather than just drink.

Also on my list was “do something about my marriage” and “body image issues”. I said these two things are very hard to talk about, and he said that whenever the topics come up I back off right away. But I really should do something about my marriage in particular, as I told J, if I don’t die I could live another 40 years. What the hell am I supposed to do for 40 years?

I asked him if it is worth talking about the past, and he said if it comes up in relation to something that is happening now, then yes, but basically we should concentrate on the here and now. The reason I asked this is because I was with a friend last month and we were talking about our mothers. I remembered a couple of things that my mother did (or didn’t do) and I thought maybe those were things I could talk about in therapy. But really, what would be the point? We know that my problems relate back to my relationship with my mother, so is it necessary to rehash every little thing?

I asked J how he feels about me going off my meds, and he said as long as I don’t have side effects I should stay on them. I asked if more therapy would be beneficial for me and he said I can function without it (my pdoc doesn’t seem to think so) and it won’t hurt (can’t be too sure of that) and it can certainly help.

I told him that I realize there might not be room for me when I want to come back, and he said there would always be a place for me in his practice. When I left he said I could email him every week or two. I don’t know why he would say that, I certainly don’t want to do therapy by email. I am looking for a great thank you card to send him though.

I’m wondering if I will want to go back. If I do go back we are going to have to talk about how intimidating he is to me. This is a serious impediment to my therapy, and when I bring it up he brushes it off. So if I can’t get past that I don’t know if I will continue.

I have been seeing J for 4 years. For some reason that makes me feel somewhat ashamed, but a lot has happened in those 4 years. At first I was just screwed up, then I got suicidal, then my cousin overdosed, then I got cancer. Whew. He was there for all of that. I can’t say that about anyone else in real life.

My box and my rock are still on his bookshelf. He didn’t ask me to take them home with me, and I kind of forgot about them. So maybe there is a little piece of me still in his office.

Dec 14 2011

Therapy Recap 12/13/11

J asked me if any of the referrals he gave me worked out, and I said that I only had called one of them so far because it was a crazy week.  I asked him if he had actually talked to the people that he referred me to, and he said he put out a post on a listserv describing what he was looking for and these people responded.  I don’t know why that surprised me, there are listservs for every group of professionals, it just seemed weird that he was posting about me on the listserv (even though I know he wasn’t posting about me, he was posting about needing to refer someone to me).

So then I pulled out my list of things that went on during the week and read it all to him.  Then I said “So which one of these things do you like?”

We started by talking about the cancer scare, and how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment.  J started making excuses for my husband.

Me:  Why are you taking his side?

J:  I’m not taking his side.

Me:  Yes you are.  It’s because you’re a man right?

J said that since I wasn’t really worried about the oncologist appointment I didn’t make a big deal out of it so my husband didn’t really think it was a big deal either and that is why he didn’t ask me about it.  Or maybe he had an important meeting to go to and had other things on his mind.

I did get J to admit that my husband should have called to see how it went, but he didn’t think it was so bad that he didn’t.

Then he asked me why I didn’t call my husband to tell him what happened at the appointment.  I explained that I thought it would be best to tell him in person and I was just going to wait until he came home from work, but then he texted me to say he was going out to dinner and would be home late.  J asked if I was punishing him or being passive aggressive.  I said I was just waiting for him to come home so that I could talk to him, but when I got his text and he didn’t mention the doctor I got angry.

Later on in the conversation J asked me again why I didn’t call my husband.  I repeated the whole reason again.  I told J that I was hurt that my husband didn’t ask me how it went, and that this is not the first time he has done this.  I have told J about similar experiences in the past.  I asked how can I think I am a worthwhile person and that I have value if people forget about me.  He asked if my husband cares about me, and I said that he does.  I said that my husband also forgets things about our children, and J asked if my husband cares about them.  I said that yes he does care about them, and J asked how I know.  That is a hard question, I told J that my husband does not show any overt signs of caring, he doesn’t say “I love you” or give hugs.  He enjoys being with them though (although he didn’t enjoy being with them when they were little).  We agreed that my husband is a bit clueless, that if something isn’t right in front of his face it doesn’t exist, and that he drops the ball at times.  But that he does care about me and the kids.

We talked about my race Sunday and how I thought I did really well, and the connection between the running and the cancer scare.  I somehow thought they were connected, but I don’t really know.  Perhaps I would have run just as well if I hadn’t been told that I had cancer, maybe I’m just finally recovering from the surgery and I’m back to my level of fitness from before.

We talked about my feelings about cancer, and how they have changed since the appointment on Thursday.  That maybe the first time I was in denial, and now I really feel like I had cancer.  I said that I don’t think it is so bad to be in denial, for some people, I think it can be a good coping mechanism to get through hard times.  Obviously criminals and child molesters should not be in denial.
We talked briefly about my mother’s email and how she said “Let’s all move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family” and “Don’t take this the wrong way”.  J didn’t seem too interested in this topic, but I think it was so representative of my mother’s attitude toward feelings, and how if anything goes wrong it must be my fault.

Then I mentioned how I have five lunch/dinner/parties to go to in the next week and how that is stressful for me.  On Friday my husband’s firm is having their holiday lunch and he sent me an email of the menu.  It was pretty much full of meat.  Meat, fish and lamb.  I said to my husband that maybe I just shouldn’t go, but it turns out that he asked the office manager to check with the restaurant to see if I could get a vegan meal.  The restaurant said that would be no problem.  J thought it was very “sweet” of my husband to do that.  (He uses that word a lot, and I think it is kind of weird.)  He mentioned some other “sweet” things that my husband has done and I agreed that he has been doing things lately.

J said that I frequently talk about my marriage as though my husband and I are roommates, that we don’t have any common interests, we don’t do anything together, etc.  But maybe things aren’t as bad as I make them out to be, since my husband does these nice things for me.  I think J wants me to reframe the situation and see it differently.

I think that was about it, I did say that I don’t want to forget about the email I sent him last week saying that I think therapy should focus on why I can’t talk openly to people rather than on the actual words I should say, but that topic didn’t seem relevant right now.

Dec 11 2011

Too Much To Say

I have so much to talk about. I don’t really want to write about it here, except for maybe bullet list issues, because when I write about things I don’t talk about them in therapy. So I’ll just start with this:

• My husband forgot about my oncologist appointment and never asked me how it went, he actually went out to dinner with his buddies and got home late. Needless to say when I told him that it didn’t go well and the cancer came back, it got his attention.

• Friday morning I planned to run, but I was so despondent about the cancer having come back (this was before the “oops” phone call) that I could barely get out of bed. So I ran Saturday morning and I had a great run.

• I saw a movie with a friend Saturday afternoon (The Descendants – it’s good) and went out to dinner with my husband Saturday night.

• I ran in an 8K race this morning and got my best time of any 8K I have run before.

• I see the kidney doctor tomorrow; my husband is coming with me.

• I had an email exchange with my sister who told me that I can’t make peanut noodles for our family Hanukkah party. It seems all of a sudden someone in her family has a peanut allergy. So I told her I would use cashew or almond butter instead and she said that would be great. Something about our email exchange bothered me.

• Something happened to me when I was told that I had a recurrence of the cancer, and something else happened to me when I was told they made a mistake. Emotionally I mean. All I will say now is that for the first time, I feel like I really had cancer. I feel different.

Nov 8 2011

Therapy Recap 11/8/11

J asked me how I am doing, how am I feeling, etc. I didn’t want to talk about medical stuff anymore, and I told him I didn’t think I should answer that question since last week it didn’t turn out well when I was being honest with him. So he reframed the question and asked if I am making progress and I told him I am.

I told J about the trip my husband and I took to visit our daughter this past weekend, and that it was fun. He wanted to know what was fun about it. I don’t know. We didn’t do anything special, but it was fun. Do we have to analyze every little thing?

I needed to get off of this subject, so I asked J if he remembered that I had taken a writing class, which he said he did. I told him that I had been going to the reunion meetings, but then I stopped going because I couldn’t write anymore. Then a few weeks ago the teacher sent out an email saying there would be another reunion meeting this month, and I emailed her to tell her that I was sorry I hadn’t been going, and I told her about my medical issues as sort of an excuse as to why I hadn’t been going, even though the two had nothing to do with each other.

J wanted to know why I couldn’t write. I don’t know. I just can’t. I used to be able to, the stories would just flow out of me, and now they don’t.

But the teacher said she hoped I would write about the illness, and at first I thought that I would have nothing to say about it, but then I got some ideas. So last week I wrote my story. And it was awful. It is just a very bad story and very bad writing.

J asked what was bad about it. I don’t know – it is just bad.

But the point I was trying to get to in telling this story, is how a section of the story was about how people reacted to my surgery and illness, and except for my mother, not one person from my family came to visit me. And this must mean I am a loser and not a person worth their time. J pointed out that I really didn’t expect my sister to visit, and that is true, so who was I expecting to visit? I told him about my husband’s family, who all live within a 10 to 20 minute drive from my house, and none of them visited me. And of course my aunt, who now says she might come down this weekend.

That led to a discussion about my relationship with my husband’s family, and how it has never been great, they are very exclusionary to outsiders, but somehow my husband’s brother’s wife, who technically married into the family, became the leader and no one is brave enough to stand up to her. J told me something about that is how bullies normally operate, I can’t remember what he said.

I talked about growing up, with big family dinners on special occasions, and the fun we would all have. But my mother is an only child, and my father has his two crazy sisters who mainly don’t talk to each other or anyone else, and the older people have died, and there aren’t many people left. J told me that is normally what happens, but then the children marry and have children, and the family starts to grow again. I told him about my husband’s two siblings, and his three cousins in NJ who each have two kids and when we all get together it is a lot of people and it usually fun. The NJ people seem to like me.

J mentioned my husband and children, and asked if that is enough family for me. And of course it is, my little family that my husband and I created is the most important thing.

We talked about why I think I am a loser, rather than perhaps there is something wrong with them, and I said I am the common denominator here, how could there be something wrong with all of them? J said if they are really that exclusionary, and if I don’t really have a good relationship with them, it kind of makes sense that they didn’t visit. I told him that I thought maybe they would make an exception for medical reasons, but I suppose I wasn’t sick enough or something.

I also told J that my husband didn’t seem to encourage anyone from his family to make an attempt to see me.

Then we got into a discussion about my husband being supportive during this whole situation. I told J about my recent meltdowns and my husband, although not always knowing what to say, did offer comfort and support. And this weekend he kept insisting on carrying my luggage, which I didn’t want him to do, but when he wouldn’t stop going on about it, I let him carry it. J asked if my husband’s demonstrations of support overrides the fact that no family visited me. He also said that his support means that I am a person worthy of support and that I am a lovable person.

I told him that it is great that my husband has been supportive, but it doesn’t negate the fact that family could have come to visit. To me, they are two separate things.

There was some kind of discussion about how I never let my husband support me in the past because I could always take care of myself, and I am not sure if he likes to give support or not because I have never really given him a chance. But while I was sick I was vulnerable, both physically and mentally, and I had a couple of meltdowns, and my husband was comforting and supportive.

J said that I normally have a wall up to protect myself, but during this situation the wall came down. I told him that I didn’t take the wall down on purpose, it just kind of crumbled. J suggested that this might be a good time to keep the wall down, or at least not as high as it has been in the past. I said that I don’t know if I can do that, my goal during all of this was to get back to the way I was before, but J thinks I should keep some of the vulnerability.

He asked me if I have expressed my thanks to my husband for his support. I said I did say thank you when he carried my luggage, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. And I didn’t specifically thank him for his support over the last couple of months. J said I should do that. I should say something like, “These past couple months have been difficult and I really appreciate your help and support when I have been feeling bad and afraid.” I didn’t say this to J, but there is no way I can say that.

J asked if I wrote about my husband’s support in my story for the writing class, and I actually couldn’t remember if I had because I hadn’t looked at the story for a while. He said I should write about my husband, since the theme of that section was how people reacted to my illness and surgery.

(Later when I was at my computer I read the story and I had written a little about my husband, but I deleted that part. What I had said was “Cancer made people love me more.”)

After the session I had lots of thoughts that I have been writing down. I know I will have to continue this conversation next week, because I have thought of more things. I was not happy at all for the rest of the day, somewhat weepy and having a hopeless feeling. I just feel like I will never be able to have connected authentic relationships with anyone, that it is too late for me to change, I don’t even know how. J tells me the words to say to people, but it’s not the words that are the problem.

I even stopped on my way home from work to pick up a bottle of margaritas and a bottle of wine. I haven’t done that in months.

For some reason I feel very alone right now, and I don’t know why exactly. I guess that is another thing to talk about next week. I always hate having these post-therapy thoughts and feelings and having to wait a week to get back to them. That is a really frustrating part of therapy for me.

Nov 7 2011

Reiki & Writing

Last Tuesday night I had a Reiki session. My last two sessions were 30 minutes, but I booked this one for a full hour. I love Reiki, and my Reiki therapist is wonderful. She is about half my age, but somehow or other I can feel her energy, and she can feel mine, as well as where my energy is blocked. Last week she said my lower body was very balanced, most people have trouble on one side or the other, maybe mine is balanced from running. But she said there was energy stuck in my shoulders, so she worked mostly on the upper body.

I felt good enough when I got home to attempt to write a story for my writing class reunion. It is about the 43 days that I had cancer. And you know what? It is awful, I hate it. Just really bad writing. I don’t know whether to trash the whole thing, or try to rewrite, or not even bother. It was disappointing, because I thought I had some good ideas, but the story was just bad.

I knew I couldn’t write any more, but I thought I would give it a try. Back when I was writing I really enjoyed it, so if it’s not enjoyable and what I write is pure crap, I don’t think it is worth it to even try.

One part of the story was really troubling to me though. I wrote that except for my mother, no one from my family came to visit me during my recovery from surgery. I don’t know why that upset me, I knew it was true, but somehow seeing it in print made it more true.

On a happier note, my husband and I went to visit my daughter at college this weekend, and we had a great time. Sometimes she gets cranky, but she was in a good mood, and my husband and I got along really well. I did have to nap every day, but I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be. It was great to see my daughter, and she’ll be home again in just a few weeks for Thanksgiving. It’s hard having her so far away.

Nov 1 2011

Therapy Recap 11/1/11

I really didn’t know what to talk about today, some things went on this week, but I didn’t want to talk about my week, because I hate doing that. Luckily J led the session (usually when I have something to talk about he leads, and when I don’t have anything to talk about he expects me to lead. But this time it worked out.) We started with how I am feeling, talked about that for a while, then we got into an argument (Evan – that one’s for you!) J asked me how I feel compared to how I felt before surgery and I said “About 50%.” J said, “That’s very pessimistic.” Then I got pissed. He has used that word before and I guess I was finally fed up with it. I said that I don’t appreciate being called pessimistic, and what number would he have liked me to give him that wouldn’t be pessimistic. 75%? 90%? He said it was just his opinion, and I said, “I don’t want your opinion” and he said “So what are we doing here?” I said when I ask for your opinion you say you can’t tell me what to do, but you’ll just give your opinion unasked. He said there is a difference between advice and opinion. I told him that my son’s therapist used to say I was pessimistic, he would say the most outlandish things and I would say that would never happen, and he would always say I was pessimistic. I told J that I thought it was a judgmental word.

He said he was sorry if he triggered a hot button for me in regards to my son’s therapist. I said why couldn’t he say something like “That’s a more negative answer than I would have expected.” So he said, “That is a more negative answer that I would have expected.” He said it was just semantics and he doesn’t want to argue with me. That perhaps it was a matter of perception rather pessimism.

We somehow moved on from there, and talked more about how I feeling, and what I am using to judge progress, and I said that frankly I can’t really remember what I felt like before the surgery. But I do feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, so maybe then I felt 25% of how I was before, and now I am 50%, so I am actually being optimistic.

He asked me how often I think about how I am feeling physically. He always asks me questions like that – I guess he wants to know if I am ruminating so that he can suggest mindfulness again. I told him that I am not thinking about the physical stuff much, more about the relationship stuff. I told him that my sister called me, and that was weird, and my aunt hasn’t called me, she also has not come to visit even though she said she would about five times, and about what my son said when we went out to dinner. I asked how so many people in a family can be dysfunctional and he said “Because they are related.” Later I realized that they are not all related, not by blood anyway.

I talked a lot about my new diet, and how good it makes me feel, how happy I feel now that my diet meshes with my values. That I wanted to do this about 5 years ago, but couldn’t do it because I thought it was too hard. But I guess the health problem was the impetus to really do it now. And how people can’t say anything to me about it being abnormal or bizarre because I am doing it for health reasons. Before I had a very healthy diet, and I did get comments frequently about how I ate. That has basically stopped. How can anyone tell me what to eat if I had cancer? I told J that I tell everyone I am eating this way for my health, but since I have been doing so much reading and watching movies, I believe that I am continuing to eat this way for ethical reasons. I said that I can’t really talk to anyone about that, because people tend to feel threatened, and think that I am implying that I am better than them. Which is totally untrue. I don’t care what other people eat.

I told J that if I asked anyone they would agree that animals should not be kept in tiny cages or pens, they should not be force fed grain that is not their normal diet, and they shouldn’t be treated inhumanely, especially at the slaughterhouse. But people take that information and put it somewhere, so that they can eat what they like to eat. I did it, everyone does it. I said that even though I was one of those people I don’t really understand it. J talked about slavery, and how everyone thought treating a certain race of people inhumanely was fine, and if you didn’t want slaves that you were outside of the norm. But eventually people became enlightened. I have heard animal rights activists compare the way we treat animals with the way we treated slaves decades ago. Not that they are comparing people with animals, more the mindset and the group mentality of what is normal.

Then we talked about how changing my diet is an accomplishment, and do I feel that way? Because I couldn’t do it the first time I tried, and now I can. He also talked about my running as an accomplishment, and he really wants me to see that I have accomplished these things.

At the end of the session J asked me what I thought of the session. I said I thought it was good, did he think there was something wrong? He said that he doesn’t think anything is wrong, he actually thought it was good that we were able to go from having a misunderstanding to having a productive session. He liked that when he said something that made me angry I was able to talk about it right away. I said that yes, normally I would ruminate it about it all week and send him an email, or try to talk about it the next week. But he has used the “pessimistic” word a few times lately and it bothered me but I didn’t say anything. Today I guess I just got fed up. I apologized for responding angrily, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He liked that I was able to respond in the moment. I didn’t like arguing with him, or being angry, but I guess by talking about it right then I was able to move on.

He also said that he thinks that pessimistic isn’t the word he really should be using. That pessimism refers more to things in the future, and I told him that my doctor said to me “How long do you think you’ll be able to keep up this diet?” That, to me, is a pessimistic attitude, and J agreed. He apologized for using the word, and said that he didn’t even use it in the correct grammatical sense.

So anyway, that was it. We didn’t have to talk about my week, but I was able to bring up a couple of things that were bothering me during the week, and yet not focus on those little things, working more on the deeper issues. And I guess it is an accomplishment that I was able to respond in the moment when J made me angry, and that rarely, if ever, happens.

Oct 31 2011

Maybe I’ll Try Writing Again

Friday I was bemoaning the fact that my aunt has seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Lo and behold, on Saturday she facebooked me (I really hate that our primary method of communication is facebook. It’s fine for friends, and even my kids because I know they will always be on facebook, but for a close adult relationship, well I don’t really care for it). Her facebook message was one word: “snow?” I replied, “not really.” That was it.

Then yesterday she facebooked me again. She said, “so how are you? keep missing you call for a phone call”. I don’t even know what that means. I told her I was driving and she said she would call me later. It’s a lot later, over 24 hours later, and I haven’t heard from her.

Remember that writing class I took a while ago? The one I dropped out of, then went back to? And how there were reunion meetings after the class ended? My last reunion meeting was in February or March, and I stopped writing. I thought I couldn’t write anymore. But today the teacher sent out an email saying we would have another reunion next month. I emailed her apologizing for being out of touch, and I told her about my health issues this summer. I also said that I don’t know if I can get anything written by the time the meeting rolls around (I actually felt like I would never write again, but I didn’t tell her that). She responded by saying, “Wow. I hope you do write about it.” And she reminded me that she has a dying website, but said that I probably learned everything I need to know.

Write about it? I thought that was bizarre, why would I write about that? But as the day went on the thought was percolating in my head, and I realized that maybe I could write about it. There are many aspects and angles I could see myself writing about. The illness itself, the emotional toll, the effect it had on my relationships, the fear of never getting better. Wow, I could probably write five stories about it.

I don’t know why I couldn’t write for so long, I have been blaming it on the wellbutrin. Wellbutrin makes me feel better, and I can only write when I am in despair. But maybe writing about my illness will refute that.

Oct 28 2011

My Day

Today was quite a day. Here is a rundown:

1. I emailed my oncologist to see if he could get me an appointment in nephrology. He told me to just be persistent. One thing he said that was somewhat comforting is that it isn’t urgent to get in right away. Hopefully he is saying that based on the pathology report, and that he understands what it means. I have now given up on trying to get an appointment, and I am going to wait and see what happens.

2. Worked for boss #1 this morning. She had asked me to change my schedule around next week because she was going to be using the office on Monday when I usually work. So I told her I could come in Wednesday and Thursday mornings. Today I mentioned that I wouldn’t be there Monday and she seemed surprised. I told her that she asked me to switch days. She asked if I could come in Monday to at least do the newsletters and the bills and I said that I couldn’t come in between 9 and 5. She said “You can’t come in between 9 and 5? Why not?” To which I explained that she had asked me to switch days, and thus I had to rearrange my schedule with my other job, and I would be at the other job all day Monday.

3. While at work this morning, my sister called. I haven’t talked to her since February, and we were together at mother’s brunch last month. I thought it was an emergency, so I answered. She just wanted to tell me that she was so worried about me and thinking about me every day from my diagnosis to my surgery, and she didn’t visit me or call me because she knew I was probably having a lot of stress and that she would just increase my stress level. She was crying. I told her that I wasn’t expecting her to visit or call. I did tell her that I thought it was unusual that when I saw her last month at the brunch she didn’t ask how I am and after brunch she unfriended me from facebook. She said that she actually unfriended me before the brunch, and she didn’t know what to say to me so she said nothing.

4. During the conversation with my sister we talked about my aunt, good aunt, who had told me she would come down to visit me, and not only has she not come down after telling me at least three times when she would be here, I haven’t even heard from her in a few weeks. My sister told me that good aunt has nothing to do with her. They had a huge blowout over a ridiculous thing, and my aunt told her that she never wants to see or hear from her again, and as far as she is concerned my sister is not in her family anymore.

5. Tonight I went out to dinner with my husband and son, and I was telling them about my day. I said that I don’t have any family except my mother, and there must be something wrong with me that I can’t get along with anyone. My son asked if my family members all speak to each other, and I said no. He said, “Well then, it’s not you. It’s them.” Smart boy.

I don’t want to talk about the emotional part of all of this, because then I will have trouble talking about it in therapy. So those are the facts, and just the facts.

Oct 27 2011

How Quickly Things Can Change

I went to see my new oncologist this morning, at the big famous hospital which is one hour away from my home. The place ran like clockwork, very efficient, and everything is computerized. They gave me an orange card with a patient number and a bar code on it and I had to scan it when I went into the office. Some people might think that makes them seems like a number, but I think it makes me seem official. Then I got weighed in kilograms, and I weigh a lot less in the metric system!

My oncologist is very warm and patient. He also has a nurse practitioner who was also great. We discussed whether I should have follow up scans every 3 months, or 6 months. He said “Because you are so young I think 6 month intervals would be better so that you don’t get exposed to excess radiation.” He thinks I’m young, ha! He is younger than me, so that was nice. We decided I would have my first scans in 3 months, and then decide how often after that. And he told me that not eating meat is one of the best things I can do. He is the first doctor to tell me that.

When I left I was feeling so relieved and grateful that I found this doctor. Those feelings were short lived. I looked at my phone and there was a voice mail from the woman in the nephrology (kidney) department at the big famous hospital. The message said that she didn’t see very many records in my file, that the last labs are from August and do I have anything more current, that the doctor doesn’t understand why I want to see him, he wants to know what I am expecting from him, the scheduling office should not have booked me an appointment on November 7th because they are not seeing patients on that day, and she will probably be able to get me an appointment but it won’t be for a while.

I called her back and told her that I saw the oncologist in the morning, and he had no problem seeing all of my records. She looked on her computer and said, “Oh, I see some more records, they must have just come in.” Which is total bull because the oncologist’s office told me all of the records were there a couple of weeks ago. Then I explained to her that I wanted to see a doctor because I had a kidney biopsy, and she could see the pathology report which was done at this very hospital, and it shows mild to severe kidney disease. I saw a kidney doctor locally once, but she was unable to help me and that is why I am looking for a new doctor. And my last lab work was in August because at the beginning of September I had surgery to have my malignant tumor removed from my kidney and haven’t had any labs since then. Then I started to cry, and I said that no one is able to help me understand this, I don’t know if I have 6 months or 6 years until I am in kidney failure, and I have kidney cancer and kidney disease and I just want someone to help me. She said she would talk to the doctor and ask him if I am worthy of seeing.

Then I called back and left her a message saying I will see any doctor in the department. For some reason she kept talking about one particular doctor, I don’t know why.

She is supposed to call me back. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow I am going to email the oncologist (he likes to communicate via email), since he agreed that I should see a nephrologist. Maybe he can help get me in there for an appointment.

Back to being frustrated. Crap.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.