Harriet M. Welch

This morning when I got to the beach I saw two little girls crying really badly and looking at rashes on their arms. I immediately knew that they were stung by jellyfish. A little later in the morning two men nearby me were stung. The water was somewhat warm and jellyfish like the warm water.

Then I saw a couple of guys scoop a jellyfish out of the water and lay it on the beach. A bunch of people gathered around to look at it, it was big. They were pouring water on it. Then one of the guys dug a hole in the dry sand and buried it.

A couple who had been over there watching walked by me and I asked them why those guys killed the jellyfish. They said, “Well if they put it back in the water it would sting again.” I said, “Yes, but there are hundreds of jellyfish in the water, so what good is killing one of them?”

Later on I heard the two guys bragging that they had killed five so far. If I had witnessed another jellyfish death I was going to move to another section of the beach.

I realize that jellyfish sting and that it hurts, and if someone is allergic to a jellyfish sting it could be life threatening. But does that mean that we can fish them all out of the ocean and kill them? I just don’t understand the logic.

When I came back to the guest house I told the owner what happened and that I didn’t understand it. He said, “Some people are sadists.” And sadly, I have to believe that is true. Maybe they really thought that they were doing a good deed by killing the jellyfish? But I kind of doubt it.

Tags: beach, jellyfish, understanding

Thank you all for your theories of why J Purells the minute I walk into his office. Interesting theories, but I don’t really agree with them. Sorry. He is not in a business of touching people. Well, he never touches me and I am assuming he does not touch any other clients.

To continue the Purell discussion, I should confess my Purell phobia. Many people are germ phobic. Freaking out when people around them cough, sneeze, breathe, when they have to use a public bathroom, when a baby walks by with a snotty nose, etc. Germs are everywhere and our bodies do a pretty good job of protecting us from those germs turning into illnesses. Now I am speaking about healthy people, not anyone with a reduced immune system (my father and my mother’s husband both had kidney transplants, and germs were much more dangerous for them).

When my kids were little I let them crawl around on the ground. Eat dirt. Drop their pacifier? I would pick it up and rinse it off with my water from my bottle, or even suck it off and then stick it in their mouth. Sounds gross. They had normal childhood illnesses, colds, stomach viruses, chicken pox.

I wash my hands a lot. Not compulsively, but a lot. Obviously whenever I use the bathroom, whenever I cook or eat, whenever I am outside and come inside, whenever I touch a dog or cat (except for my own dog), etc.

I like germs. I don’t want any germs to become resistant. One of my greatest fears is of flesh eating bacteria. That is a way I would not want to die. I also am not crazy about the thought of e.coli poisoning or c. diff. Mrsa doesn’t sound so great either.

What does Purell have to say about its product, which by the way is 65% alcohol and 35% moisturizer (I think I could whip up some of that in my kitchen):

While no hand sanitizer is indicated to prevent Swine Flu, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one of the ways you can help protect yourself from Swine Flu is by practicing good hand hygiene. Specific CDC recommendations include keeping your hands clean by washing with soap and water, or using an alcohol-based hand sanitizer when soap and water may not be available, such as when you’re on the go.

What is the proper way to practice hand hygiene?
Use soap and water, especially when hands are visibly dirty. Wash hands with soap and water for 15 to 20 seconds.

When soap and water are not available, use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer. Apply enough product to thoroughly wet hands, then rub hands together briskly until dry.

While no hand sanitizer is indicated to prevent methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one of the ways you can help protect yourself from MRSA is by practicing good hand hygiene. Specific CDC recommendations include keeping your hands clean by washing with soap and water, or using an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have recommended the use of alcohol-based hand sanitizers when soap and water are not available and hands are not visibly dirty. CDC recommends that children in school may use alcohol-based hand rubs as an alternative to hand washing.

FDA does not currently allow makers of instant hand sanitizers to make claims against specific types of germs due to its concern that consumers will take away a message that the particular illness caused by these germs will be completely prevented through use of the product. Because germs can be spread in a number of ways and one’s chances of actually developing an illness depends on a number of factors, no maker of these products can make that kind of guarantee. However, proper hand hygiene is one of the most important tools to prevent the spread of illness. This is why the CDC and various other organizations recommend hand-washing or use of an alcohol-based instant hand sanitizer, like Purell®, when soap and water are not available.

So basically proper hand hygiene involves soap and water. There are times when this is not available, ie; in the car, when hiking, when using a porta-potty, etc.

I was a substitute teacher and every teacher had Purell on their desks. Every time a kid would sneeze or cough they would come up to the front of the room to Purell. There were probably more germs on those bottles of Purell than anywhere in the world.

When my mother’s husband was in the hospital there were Purell dispensers everywhere. I did use them there, despite the fact that this did nothing to protect me from the germs I fear – staph, mrsa, e coli, and c diff.

Our school system had a mrsa scare a couple of years ago and every child was encouraged to carry around their own Purell bottle. But Purell is not effective against mrsa.

I don’t get colds or stomach bugs. I never get a flu shot and never get the flu. When I taught nursery school about 10 years ago I got strep throat. That was awful. Purell would not have saved me from that illness. And in nursery school the kids were not allowed to use Purell instead of hand washing. There was no excuse to not wash hands because there was a sink and soap in the room. Whenever anyone sneezed or blew their nose they would go wash their hands.

Now the number of antibacterial products is amazing. There are even antibacterial pencils! So when kids share pencils they won’t share germs.

Where is this taking us? Ever hear of antibiotic/antiseptic resistant bacteria? What does Purell say about that?

Do alcohol-based hand sanitizers like PURELL® lead to resistant bacteria?
Unlike the active ingredients in some other instant hand sanitizers and anti-bacterial soaps, laboratory testing has never shown alcohol-based hand sanitizers like PURELL® to lead to bacterial resistance. There is no evidence that organisms adapt and become immune to the active ingredient in PURELL® products. Many sources indicate that for organisms to become resistant, low levels of the chemical must remain on the hands for the organisms to adapt. The alcohol in PURELL® does not remain on the hands for long. Once your hands are rubbed dry after application of PURELL®, the alcohol has evaporated completely. PURELL® leaves no harmful residue. A small bit of emollient (skin conditioning agent) is left on the hands after use to leave your hands feeling soft and refreshed.

That’s a relief, but I don’t necessarily believe it.

J, my therapist, has a bathroom in his office suite. If he is so concerned about germs, why doesn’t he just wash his hands?

Tags: germs, purell

Issued by The National Weather Service
New Orleans/Baton Rouge, LA
3:48 pm CDT, Mon., Jun. 7, 2010

… HEAT ADVISORY IN EFFECT FROM 9 AM TUESDAY TO 6 PM CDT THURSDAY…

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN NEW ORLEANS HAS ISSUED A HEAT ADVISORY… WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 9 AM TUESDAY TO 6 PM CDT THURSDAY.

.HIGHS INTO THE 90S IN CONJUNCTION WITH DEW POINTS AROUND 80 WILL BRING THE HEAT INDEX IN MOST AREAS TO ABOVE 105 DEGREES AND AS HIGH AS 115. AFTERNOON SHOWERS ON TUESDAY MAY BRING A SHORT REPRIEVE OF THE HEAT… OTHERWISE SIGNIFICANT SHOWERS ARE NOT EXPECTED WED OR THU.

Tags: new orleans, weather

I was at the pool this afternoon with my Kindle and I was browsing through the books I had on there, unable to really focus on anything. I saw the title “I Thought It Was Just Me” by Brene Brown, a book about shame that I read a year or so ago. I started to read parts of it again. Anyone who is suffering from shame issues due to whatever might like this book. It focuses on women and shame, and really makes you feel like you are not alone or weird. Her solution for getting out of the shame rabbit hole is to talk about it. That is not so easy. Anyway, while I was reading I realized that the issues that were troubling me last week all have this in common – they are all related to my shame.

The first thing that happened was when I was telling a friend about something that occurred and she gave me a response that was intended to be helpful, but it hurt my feelings. Then I got all babyish and pissy and wallowed in my hurt for a while wondering why no one understands me.

The second thing was when my son quit working with the counselor, and I asked my husband if he had any ideas about what we could do about my son and he didn’t seem to be interested in discussing it or dealing with it.

The third thing was calling my son’s old therapist because I didn’t know where else to go for help. However when he basically blew me off all of the old feelings came back, including remembering that he told me I was difficult to work with, standoffish, sarcastic, etc. (See yesterday).

I think all three of these involve my feelings of shame. In the first instance, I thought I was feeling hurt, but I was actually feeling shame. I was ashamed of myself because of a fear I have which is irrational and illogical, and when I shared it with my friend and she responded in a helpful way it made me feel ridiculous about myself for being afraid.

In the second instance I am ashamed of myself for everything that I screwed up in my son’s life and for my inability to get my husband involved in any way.

And in the third scenario I am full of shame, about continuing with my son’s old therapist because I was unable to terminate even though I knew it wasn’t helping, about getting in touch with him again, and remembering what he said about me.

I’m wondering if anxiety is really my major problem, or if it is shame. And I am wondering why it is difficult for me to identify emotions. I know that I feel emotions, and quite strongly, but to me a bad emotion is a bad emotion, and I don’t really differentiate all of the bad ones. Maybe I should try harder to actually figure them out, but I don’t know if that is helpful or not.

Tags: fear, feelings, husband, shame, son, son's therapist

I had the most amazing night last night! I actually met my first Harriet friend – meaning the first person who knows me from my blog and not in real life. (You all know that my name isn’t really Harriet, right?) She actually wanted to meet me even after reading all this stuff about me, that nobody in real life knows. And she didn’t change her mind at the last minute, which I was sure she would. Not because of her, but because of me. And she didn’t run screaming in horror when she met me either.

Wow, it was so nice to talk to someone who actually knows what I’m talking about, and who understands. I didn’t feel I had to hide anything about me, after all it’s all on here so it would be kind of late to feel like I wanted to hide something.

Thanks, Grace, and I hope we can do it again sometime. You have to move to the East Coast, ok?

(Grace is a very special person, and if you are her friend you are very lucky. She probably doesn’t believe that though, but someday she will.)

Tags: blog, fr

It’s finally over. Our power came back on at 8:00am. When we woke up it was 48F in the house! Luckily we live on a main road and we were plowed out, my husband shoveled the driveway (a few times), and I was able to spend the day cooking and doing laundry. I’m almost done with the puzzle. Schools have already been canceled for tomorrow and Tuesday and amazingly more snow is in the forecast for Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I have so much reading and writing to catch up on, but for now here are a few photos.

Tags: family, snow

I’ve turned off comments as you noticed. It is not because of anyone in particular, or anything anyone has written. I’m just overly sensitive and was feeling overwhelmed with the comments and the fact that I was having trouble making myself understood. I’m sure I’ll be turning them back on soon.

I’m going to write a therapy recap about my session today and I’ll post it when it is done. Have a good evening everyone.

Tags: blog

Can you ever really trust anyone? I’m not sure if I have a problem with this because of my too high expectations. Can anyone ever be 100% trustworthy? Or is there a good enough level of trustworthiness? And what does a person do if they are the type who is very distrustful in general, and they take that risk, and their trust is betrayed? Not just once, not just twice, but repeatedly. Just accept the fact that other people are human, that no one is totally trustworthy and move on, continuing to take the risk of trusting people, but now knowing that at some point many people will betray their trust? I just don’t know about this.

If someone specifically asks me to trust them, it seems that they should go above and beyond to not betray that trust. And if they do, what then? I get angry at them and feel hurt of course, but I mostly get angry at myself for letting myself get manipulated into this situation. I know that cutting myself up with a razor blade is not the best way to deal with this, and if another person is the one who hurts me, why am I compounding the problem by then hurting myself?

I guess I feel that if someone betrays my trust that I am not a person worthy of respect. They don’t care about me because I am not worth caring about.

But as a wise blogging friend told me:

“Baby don’t you fret
Living in the future
None of this has happened yet.”

Well, she didn’t say that, Bruce Springsteen did, but the message is the same.

Tags: trust

You’ll all be pleased to learn that I did go out and buy myself two new pairs of shoes yesterday. I also visited my foster child who I hadn’t seen a couple of weeks due to winter break and a little snow last week that forced his county to close schools. I didn’t visit him at home over winter break because I could not stand the thought of dealing with his foster mother. She is really awful and I try to avoid her as often as possible.

Then I went to work for a while. And today I have a new client to see. The therapist that I work for (not the one I wrote about here, who I feel the connection with, it’s a different therapist, I don’t know why I have this many therapists in my life actually) referred me to one of her patients. She told me that this patient needs help with organization due to lots of medical expenses and bills needing to be filed with her insurance company. She also told me that her patient has severe depression and is overweight. I’m not sure what those facts have to do with what I will be helping her with, but this is typical of this woman. She is always giving me too much information about her patients, and considering I live in the same town as some of them, and my daughter goes to school with a couple of them, well, it seems inappropriate.

I did talk to the new client on the phone last week, and one of the first things she told me is that she is in counseling for depression. I guess this is a big part of her life right now, and I appreciate her openness about it. She sounds very nice and I’m looking forward to meeting her. I didn’t get that “click” like I got with my last client, but I know that’s rare.

I guess it’s time to do a Bucket List update, since yesterday was the 13th. Here’s the list:

1. Save someone’s life – fail

This was a really ambitious goal, and I don’t think I’ll ever get this one. Unless someone is choking and I happen to remember how to do the Heimlich.

2. Learn to take a compliment – in progress

I think I am getting better at this. Instead of denying or making excuses for whatever the person is complimenting me on, I just shut up and think the things in my head. That’s progress.

3. Eat whatever I want for a whole day and don’t write down any of it – unsure

I did go through a period of time recently when I wasn’t writing down my food, but I also wasn’t eating everything I wanted. At this point I don’t even know what kind of food I really want, because anything that most people would want (pizza, ice cream) I can’t even imagine eating. So I’m not sure where I stand with this.

4. Connect with xxxx (old friend/boyfriend) – complete

I did do this, we had email communication last summer. He hadn’t changed a bit in the last 25 years, which actually doesn’t say anything positive about him. He still can’t commit, and he is still confused about his sexuality. No one else is confused about it, just him. We talked about getting together, but then he never followed up, and I didn’t even care. So I can cross this off.

5. Have jury duty – fail

I called the jury office and told the woman who answered that I want to sit on a jury. She looked me up and said I haven’t been called since 1997, which is true. I asked if she could bump me up to the top of the list, but she said no. With all of the people out there who don’t want to be called for jury duty I don’t understand why they wouldn’t call me, I want to do it.

6. Swim a mile – all at once – fail

I definitely did not accomplish this. Not even close. I was thinking of doing a sprint triathlon for about 5 seconds, then I remembered I would most likely drown. If I am going to complete this goal I’m going to have to use an indoor pool and practice every day. I don’t know if I have the motivation for that, and is it even worth it?

7. Eat local for a week – in progress

This is on the calendar for spring, there isn’t much local here right now.

8. Spend a week with Habitat for Humanity in the Gulf Coast – unsure

I really want to do this. I checked out the website last week, I have to make the commitment to do it, I’m not sure what’s holding me back.

9. Get to know a local farmer – complete

I did this. I had email correspondence with a local farmer and I plan to buy some things from his farm in the spring. I also got to know some local farmers at the farmers market, and I recently signed up for chicken and egg delivery from a local farm, which starts in April. Apparently we don’t have chicken and egg production in the winter here, it’s too cold. Chickens in factories don’t have weather issues.

10. Parasail – fail

This was a total bust. I wanted to do it last summer, but my daughter wouldn’t go with me because she was afraid I’d panic. Which I probably would have. Now I don’t even want to do it anymore. Is it ok to take something off the bucket list?

11. Learn to golf – complete

I did this. I took lessons in September. I hated it, and I plan to never golf again. I was really looking forward to getting some cute golf clothes, but it’s not going to happen.

12. Compost – in progress

I did a lot of research into composting last summer, and I need to get my act together and start doing something about this. No excuses for not following through on this, just lazy and procrastinating.

13. Drive a Porsche – unsure

I haven’t done this. A couple of years ago my husband looked into renting me a Porsche for my birthday, but there was a three day minimum and it was about $500 a day. He told me we could go to the Porsche dealership and test drive a car, but I didn’t think that was honest. The guy who does my hair told me that the next time he buys a Porsche (he buys new cars all of the time) he would let me drive it, but he hasn’t gotten one yet. A lot of people here where I live have Porsches, I just need to get to know some of them.

So to tally it all up:

Completed – 3
In Progress – 3
Failure – 4
Unsure – 3

But to be fair, one of the failures is not exactly my fault. I can’t force the county to call me to jury duty, and I did try. Only completing three of the items isn’t a really stellar effort. I need to get to work on these.

Tags: casa, death, eating, work

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, but I mentioned the other day that I’d like to improve my communication skills. After all I can’t write everything all of the time, I do need to talk as well. And I’m not sure if the problem is the communication or the fact that I’m afraid to trust people and let them into my little brick house.

I do have some running goals – I’m going to try to run 1000 miles this year. That is a little less than 20 miles per week. I’m going to count walking in there too. And I’m running in my first 10 miler in April.

I can’t really think too far ahead, you know? Taking one day, or one week at a time may be the best I can do.

Tags: communication, running