Category Archives: miscellaneous

May 26 2012

May Update

Hi everyone. Here I am. Thought I’d give an update in case anyone still reads. I had taken the blog down for a while because I suddenly got paranoid about someone figuring out that Harriet is really me.

I started school at the end of March and I am loving it. It is nutrition school and I am training to be a health coach, even though I don’t think I can actually be a health coach. I met a bunch of nice people online and we talk by email or skype or phone or google video chat. I also met some women locally and we have gotten together for study sessions, as well as two workshops, one on Chinese Medicine and the other about Ayurveda. The workshops were at a school that is about 45 minutes away from me where they teach Chinese medicine, acupuncture, nutrition and other things. They also have practitioners there.

These women also like red wine, so most study sessions involve some drinking.

I ran a half marathon last month. It was at the beach, and my best friend has a beach house there so we went for the weekend. She was incredibly supportive; I’ve never had anyone take such good care of me before and after a race. We had a really good time too and met a cute bartender who tried to get us to drink shots. She told him that we had cancer so we couldn’t do that (cancer had nothing to do with it, but we had already had 4 drinks each), and it turns out he had cancer too.

Work is work. It was stressful these last two weeks, but we got some projects done so things should calm down.

Two weeks ago it was my birthday and mother’s day. It wasn’t any different from any other day. My mother and my mother in law sent me checks, and my boss got me a beautiful green scarf. A friend sent me a really nice card and a gift card for itunes, which I love. My boss and her partners (she has 2 now) took me out for Thai food.

The foster child that I used to advocate for graduated high school yesterday and I went to the graduation. Last month, the day before his 18th birthday, he was adopted! That was the best news I had in a really long time.

Therapy is continuing. It has its ups and downs. We have been going deeper into some issues, and we have had a couple of misunderstandings. I am too sensitive and tend to take everything the wrong way. Speaking of sensitive, last week I had a meltdown at work after my boss’s ex-wife sent a really mean email and copied the kids on it. After work I sent my boss an email apologizing and telling him that I thought I was coming down with something (which I was, I had a fever and I’m now on antibiotics) which is probably why I started crying when I read the email. He wrote back, “Or because you are a caring sensitive person who understands the role of a mother and was shocked by what she wrote.”

I really need to work on my defenses; I let everything get to me.

My latest plan is that I want to drive a race car. J told me about a race car driver named Alex Zanardi, so I started watching videos of him. He had a terrible crash and both of his legs were cut off, and now he is a world champion hand cyclist. After watching lots of videos of races, I feel the need to drive a race car. J told me he did it and it was great. So I’m looking into that now.

My marriage is no different than before. Maybe even more distant and disconnected. I am doing lots of things with my study group and my vegan meetup groups, and my husband is playing a lot of golf. My daughter is home for the summer, and the house is now a mess, but it is great to have her here.

I might take three months off of therapy beginning in September because my daughter is going to Europe for the semester and I want to give her money so that she can travel around. That $500 a month would really help. And I’d like to see how things go without therapy. My pdoc thinks the only way I am functioning is through therapy and meds, she obvious doesn’t think too highly of me. Maybe this is will show her that I can really function without therapy.

I was thinking this week about process vs product. When I was into knitting I really was a process knitter. I never really wore any of the things I made; I just liked to knit them, so that I could learn a new technique or try a new yarn. I’ve flitted around with various things in my life, because once I have the process down I get bored and I don’t really care about the product. Same with running, I love having a training plan, but the race isn’t as important. I think that might be what I like about therapy, even though I hate therapy. It is a process, a seemingly never ending process. There really is no product. Interesting.

Feb 23 2012

Checking In

I thought I would check in because I always hate when bloggers just drop off the face of the earth, I never know if they just got tired of writing, or if something happened to them, or perhaps they recovered from all of their problems and didn’t need to write anymore.

I’m still writing my therapy recaps, but very brief summaries and I am not publishing them on the blog. I am trying to move away from Harriet, and become a more real me. I have another blog which I started last year, then abandoned for a while, and restarted last month. It is a health blog, about wellness, fitness, healthy eating, etc. I’m enjoying writing for that blog. If you want the link, write to me and I’ll give it to you. I don’t want the two blogs associated with each other however.

Via meetup.com I’ve connected with two hiking groups and a vegan group. I’ve been on 3 or 4 hikes, and two vegan lunches. I know that sounds like I am being so social, but frankly it is easier for me to be with these strangers than with people I know. They don’t know the “bad” stuff about me. I rarely go out with friends, or even talk to them, even though I would like to. I don’t call people to chat, that’s just not me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately.

My marriage still sucks. My husband and I went to NY for the weekend, and it wasn’t terrible, but it also wasn’t fun. He was a pain in the ass, he would not engage in any of the things we did, or any of the decisions about what we were doing. The only time he seemed interested in anything was when he was deciding which deli he wanted to go to. We ate dinner separately one night, even though he had told me before we left that he would go to a vegan restaurant with me.

I can’t sleep with him because he snores because he is overweight, and I end up going to sleep in another room in the middle of the night. When I wake up in the morning I can’t figure out where I am half the time. I dread having sex with him.

My jobs are incredibly boring, and one has become very stressful because my boss is under a lot of stress and it is the trickle down theory at work I suppose.

I did enroll in a year long nutrition course that I have wanted to take for a number of years, but never wanted to spend the money on myself. This course will train me to be a health coach with my own practice, however I know that there is no way I could have a business coaching women so I am doing this just for my own learning and knowledge. I don’t have the self confidence to have a business, not to mention I would probably be more screwed up than the clients I would be trying to help. Everyone thinks I have such a healthy lifestyle, but I have body image issues, food issues, exercise issues, etc etc. I definitely have not reached the point of self acceptance. I am, however, looking forward to, and even excited about, starting the course.

One thing I have talked about many times in therapy is having a purpose in life, and my therapist has convinced me that that is not going to happen, or isn’t necessary, so I have lowered my sights to just having a project. My purpose was raising my children, and I did that, it is too much to expect that I would have another purpose, so I have accepted that.

I registered for a half marathon that will take place at the end of April. Another project that I am excited about. I still love running, and find it meditative, a time when my mind can actually stop whirling around and be at peace.

My husband, son and I are starting family therapy. We met once with the psychologist, then my son met with him twice alone, and the three of us are meeting together with him on Monday. At our first meeting I was the one that had to do all the talking, even though I didn’t answer any questions until it was totally obvious that no one else was going to say anything. The psychologist told me that his plan is for me to talk less, therefore ensuring that my husband will talk more. I’m interested to see if this will work. My husband claims to be on board with the process, but based on past experience I could see him backing down and me doing all of the work. This is something that can definitely make or break our marriage.

I am currently not engaging in any self destructive behaviors. When I think about where I was 2 years ago I get very frightened because I don’t know how I got that way, and therefore I don’t know how to prevent it from happening again. I know it is not productive to worry about “what if” but I would feel more secure if I knew what the warning signs would be.

I’m still seeing J for therapy once a week, but I feel as though it is very disjointed and not getting to the roots of the issues. Both J and my pdoc say that I have changed, and I just don’t notice the positive changes. I try to believe them.

So that is where things stand. I don’t know if I will be writing here any time soon, I need to move on from Harriet. She served me well, but I think it will be healthier to be me. But one never knows.

Dec 31 2011

Out with 2011, In with 2012

I was thinking that 2011 wasn’t a very good year.  My cousin attempted suicide and I basically was her sole caregiver for weeks, and then I had cancer.

Then I was thinking that 2010 wasn’t a very good year either – I was suicidal that year.

2009 wasn’t a very good year, I was about to turn 50 and my daughter was leaving home, I was very depressed.

How can every year be not a very good year?  Maybe this is life?  Little bits of good year interspersed with long periods of bad year?  Why is it so easy to remember the bad, and so hard to remember the good?

Happy New Year everyone.  I hope everybody’s 2012 is a happy one, or at least not a not very good one.

Dec 29 2011

Owning One’s Problems

I was listening to a vegan podcast today, and the woman podcaster was telling us how last year for Christmas she sponsored animals for each person on her gift list, rather than giving material gifts.  Sponsoring an animal involves sending money to a sanctuary or a humane society which contributes to the costs of caring for the animal.  You can do this in honor of someone, and that person will receive some kind of certificate of a photo of the animal.

The podcaster said that there some people in her family who rolled their eyes at this gift, and some that just didn’t like it at all.  But she felt this was an important thing for her to do, and if her family didn’t like it, it was their problem, not hers.

This has come up in therapy at times.  If someone says a hurtful comment to me, perhaps it is because they are feeling xyz when I mentioned abc, and the problem isn’t mine, it is theirs.  Or if I try to do something nice for someone and they don’t act appreciative, the problem is theirs, not mine, so I should not feel hurt by that.

I can see this being the case sometimes, but as for gifts, I don’t get it.  Why would one give a loved one something that they wouldn’t like?  Sure, animals are important to me, but I won’t go sponsoring animals in honor of my friends and family if I know they don’t care about animals or sanctuaries.  When I give a gift to someone, part of the enjoyment of it is finding something that I know is special for them, and that they will love.

When you give gifts, do you choose things that are important to you, or to the recipient?  Do you think this podcaster’s attitude about who is owning the problem is correct?

Nov 18 2011

Child Abuse

So here is where I was going with that long Penn State story from yesterday.

I used to teach preschool, which was run by a Jewish synagogue, and sometimes I would substitute teach in the kindergarten. I was in the kindergarten one day, just me and the assistant teacher, and one of the students, a 5 year old girl named Greta, told me that her Poppie hit her with the metal part of his belt. It’s been a number of years, and I can’t remember exactly the conversation that transpired. I know that we did not know whether Poppie was Greta’s father or grandfather, and I don’t remember if we asked her more questions.

When I got home that day I was troubled, and I wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was, we didn’t get trained for this type of situation. I knew that there were certain people who are required by law to report child abuse, even alleged child abuse, to child protective services, but I had no idea if I was one of those people, or if it should even be reported because we didn’t witness anything, we were just told by the child that this occurred.

So I called my sister-in-law who worked for the county at the time, and she told me that I should report it to the preschool director. That is what I did, I immediately called the director and told her what was said. She thanked me for telling her and said she would take care of it. And I thought she would.

About a month later I asked the kindergarten teacher whatever happened with Greta. I was dismayed to learn that the preschool director met with the rabbi and they decided not to report the incident because this family was well respected in the synagogue, and they had a lame excuse about how if they did report it to the police the child could end up being abused even more because the parents would be so angry.

I was quite stunned by this decision. At this point I had totally lost my faith in Judaism. I had never really believed in God, but I enjoyed the synagogue and its emphasis on family values, traditions, ceremonies and Jewish holidays. We joined the synagogue when my children were young and we had a great rabbi who loved kids and they loved him too. Unfortunately he left to become a rabbi at a different synagogue, and then a few years later came the shock of my life. I was watching Dateline, and they were reporting a story about pedophiles. Some grassroots anti-child abuse advocates went online and pretended to be young children in chat rooms. There they struck up conversations with older men and planned meetings, mostly at the “childrens’” homes. When the pedophiles arrived at the homes, Dateline was waiting with reporters and cameras.

Who was one of the first pedophiles that they caught? Our previous rabbi, the one who loved children, and was loved by children, and parents. They caught him on tape going into a “child’s” home so that he could have sex with the young boy. This rabbi is now in jail.

It was devastating to the synagogue and the community. And then a few years later the new rabbi learned of an alleged child abuse incident with Greta and didn’t report it to the authorities.

Needless to say I was done with religion for good.

I now know that if I am to ever hear a child tell me about any incident, I will immediately go to CPS, even though the type of job I have not does not require this. I think this should be a requirement of all adults, no matter what line of work they are in.

It’s all very sickening to me.

Nov 17 2011

Three Things

1.

A couple of things I didn’t write about my session on Tuesday:

J said more than once that he doesn’t know my husband, he can only go by what he has heard from me, and at one point said jokingly that he would like to see my husband with me in the office. I let that one slide, that will never happen.

J also asked me if I thought my relationships with people could improve and I said no, and he asked why not. I told him I was too old and it is too late, and I feel pretty hopeless about ever being able to change. He asked me what I would need to change, and I said that:

I would need to be myself
I would need to not be fake or hide things
I would need to trust people
I would need to allow myself to be vulnerable

He didn’t suggest how to make this happen however.

2.

My husband and son are going to Toronto this weekend for a hockey game (that is how much they like hockey – Toronto is far away from here). Some of you might not know, or might have forgotten, that I self harmed for quite a while. I haven’t done it in months, I don’t know how long exactly because I don’t like to go back and read old posts on my blog. But I would usually self harm when I was alone in the house, and I’m getting a little anxious about being alone all weekend. So I am thinking of ways to pass the time. Saturday morning I have my running group, but that is all that I have planned. However yesterday a dear friend, who lives down the street from me, called me to tell me she was going out of town because her mother is dying, but her husband is currently undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer. I offered to spend time with him this weekend, because he hates to be alone. That could really fill up the whole weekend, and she said he doesn’t feel so awful that he can’t take walks or even go to the movies. I plan to spend as much time over at their house as possible, he thinks I am doing him a favor, but it is really the other way around.

3.

I don’t know if people outside the US know about the Penn State situation, or even if people outside of the east coast of the US. In a nutshell, a football coach at the university founded a charity to help troubled youth in the late 1970’s. In the mid-1990’s this same coach engaged in “inappropriate conduct” with a few young boys between the ages of 7 and 13. This “inappropriate conduct” ranged from molestation to actual sexual activity (ie; rape).

In the late 1990’s a mom of one of the boys reported an incident to the university police and child protective services. Investigators interviewed the coach, he admitted that he showered with the boy and also admitted it was wrong, and promised not to do it ever again. No charges were filed, and the case was closed.

The coach then retired, but stayed on as a volunteer and had full access to the everything at the university.

Recently a man came forward and gave testimony saying that the coach showered with him when he was a young boy, and molested him. At the time a janitor on the campus told his supervisor that he saw the coach performing oral sex on a young boy. Another janitor reported that he saw the coach and a boy leave the shower room holding hands. Neither the janitors nor the supervisor reported the incidents to university police or child protective services.

A couple of years later a graduate student told the Head Coach (Joe Paterno) that he saw the football coach in the locker room shower, performing anal sex on a 10 year old boy. Paterno reported the incident to his supervisor. Now the story gets fuzzy. The graduate student claims that he told university officials that he saw the coach and the boy engaged in anal sex. But university officials say that they were never told this, just that the coach and the boy were horsing around and maybe by accident the coach touched the boy’s genitals. However the university takes away the coach’s campus privileges, the incident is reported to the charity, but no law investigation happens.

In the mid 2000’s a coach at a high school where the football coach was volunteering came upon him and a young boy engaged in some type of inappropriate conduct. The coach spent a lot of time with this boy. In the late 2000’s the boy’s mother reported that her son had been sexually assaulted by this volunteer coach, and the high school principal reports this to the police.

This month the coach was finally arrested for a bunch of charges involving child abuse. The university supervisors were charged with perjury and failure to report abuse. Those supervisors just resigned.

The head coach, Paterno, said he would retire at the end of the football season. However the university removed him from his head coach position immediately. The school students were very angry about this and were having riots on campus, and the graduate student who had reported what he saw now is getting death threats.

Now, having some time to think about it and come to their senses, the students are supporting the victims of the abuse by having candlelight vigils, and having a moment of silence before last week’s football game.

The coach still insists he is innocent, and denies that he is a pedophile. He does admit to showering with the boys however.

This has already gotten very long, and there is a reason why I am telling this story. But I’ll write about that tomorrow.

Oct 19 2011

How To Stop Crying

Remember how I said last night that I took a Percocet and I felt better? That lasted about an hour, and then the nausea kicked in, and I spent a few hours trying not to vomit. And I started a crying jag, and my husband came home and was freaked out, and I told him I didn’t feel well and I’m never going to get better and he said I would, it will just take time, and he laid on the bed with me for a while.

I couldn’t sleep very well last night. I had one of those dreams where I am in college, except I am my current age, and everyone else is my current age too, and I have not attended a single class and can’t find my class schedule, and I am digging through my desk looking for the schedule. What does that mean? I know it’s a classic dream and I have variations of it often.

So I was up a lot in the night. And this morning I continued to feel nauseous, and I keep crying. I was reading blogs and there were some sad things that made me cry, and even some happy things, and I am going to email my boss and tell him that I don’t feel well and am just going to come in for an hour or so and then work from home if I can, and the thought of doing that is making me cry.

Is there a pill or something that can make me stop crying?

May 2 2011

Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead

I went to sleep before the news broke. This morning I checked my Twitter feed on my phone, as I do every morning and read the Bin Laden news. I know we have been trying to do this for 10 years, but it still seems so out of the blue.

I mentioned a few days ago that I am a person who needs time to process. I don’t react immediately in most cases, and here is perfect example. Apparently last night after the Obama speech, people flocked to Ground Zero and the White House to cheer and rejoice and party. On Facebook there are status updates of “USA” and “Thank God for GITMO” and “We Got Him!” and “Proud To Be An American” and particularly “Justice Has Been Done!”

I think Osama Bin Laden is one of the most evil human beings to have ever lived on this planet. There are no words to describe the depth of this evil. And I do want to celebrate the end of his reign of terror over us (whether it is actually over is yet to be seen). But I don’t want to celebrate the death of a human being, no matter how evil. I was pleased to read that our forces “buried” him at sea, according to Islam tradition. (Does that mean they threw him overboard?) But I am hoping they grabbed some of his DNA before they tossed the body.

I don’t know, I’m not in a celebratory mood, and I’m not sure I can consider this justice. My friend was on the plane that flew into the Pentagon. I don’t feel that Bin Laden’s death in any way validates hers. Can the 3000 people who lost their lives on 9/11, and countless others who died later from inhaling noxious gasses, rest easy now? I would rather have my friend back. How could this be justice?

So I am processing. I am not reacting because I feel conflicting emotions. Relief, amazement, gratitude, anxiety (will they retaliate?), fear, etc. I am not trying to stuff or bury my emotions, I am just analyzing them to see what they are telling me.

That’s what I mean by needing time to process information.

I do hope that he is really most sincerely dead.

May 1 2011

My Next Crazy Idea

You are all going think I’ve lost my mind with all of these things I’m doing. Could I be manic? Hmmm, don’t even want to think about that.

But for the past few years I have wanted to write a food blog. I love food, and cooking, and photography and writing. But there are SO many food blogs out there. I never wanted to make money doing it, but I want it to be good and I’d like to have more than a few readers.

Now I’m thinking of a niche – a healthy eating/fitness blog geared towards women in their 40’s and beyond. Most of the healthy eating/fitness blogs I read are written by women in their 20’s and 30’s, and let’s face it, the older crowd has different needs and challenges.

So what do you think? I know writing a blog like this takes time, there is a lot of research and photography involved, but I think it could be a productive thing for me to do, and hopefully will help people, which is what I like to do.

I’d love opinions about this. I also would like suggestions for a name for the blog. And if anyone is a blog designer would you mind emailing me? I would rather have my own design, than a standard template. My email is harrietmwelch at gmail dot com. Thank you, and please be honest!