Harriet M. Welch

It’s finally over. Our power came back on at 8:00am. When we woke up it was 48F in the house! Luckily we live on a main road and we were plowed out, my husband shoveled the driveway (a few times), and I was able to spend the day cooking and doing laundry. I’m almost done with the puzzle. Schools have already been canceled for tomorrow and Tuesday and amazingly more snow is in the forecast for Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I have so much reading and writing to catch up on, but for now here are a few photos.

I’ve turned off comments as you noticed. It is not because of anyone in particular, or anything anyone has written. I’m just overly sensitive and was feeling overwhelmed with the comments and the fact that I was having trouble making myself understood. I’m sure I’ll be turning them back on soon.

I’m going to write a therapy recap about my session today and I’ll post it when it is done. Have a good evening everyone.

Can you ever really trust anyone? I’m not sure if I have a problem with this because of my too high expectations. Can anyone ever be 100% trustworthy? Or is there a good enough level of trustworthiness? And what does a person do if they are the type who is very distrustful in general, and they take that risk, and their trust is betrayed? Not just once, not just twice, but repeatedly. Just accept the fact that other people are human, that no one is totally trustworthy and move on, continuing to take the risk of trusting people, but now knowing that at some point many people will betray their trust? I just don’t know about this.

If someone specifically asks me to trust them, it seems that they should go above and beyond to not betray that trust. And if they do, what then? I get angry at them and feel hurt of course, but I mostly get angry at myself for letting myself get manipulated into this situation. I know that cutting myself up with a razor blade is not the best way to deal with this, and if another person is the one who hurts me, why am I compounding the problem by then hurting myself?

I guess I feel that if someone betrays my trust that I am not a person worthy of respect. They don’t care about me because I am not worth caring about.

But as a wise blogging friend told me:

“Baby don’t you fret
Living in the future
None of this has happened yet.”

Well, she didn’t say that, Bruce Springsteen did, but the message is the same.

You’ll all be pleased to learn that I did go out and buy myself two new pairs of shoes yesterday. I also visited my foster child who I hadn’t seen a couple of weeks due to winter break and a little snow last week that forced his county to close schools. I didn’t visit him at home over winter break because I could not stand the thought of dealing with his foster mother. She is really awful and I try to avoid her as often as possible.

Then I went to work for a while. And today I have a new client to see. The therapist that I work for (not the one I wrote about here, who I feel the connection with, it’s a different therapist, I don’t know why I have this many therapists in my life actually) referred me to one of her patients. She told me that this patient needs help with organization due to lots of medical expenses and bills needing to be filed with her insurance company. She also told me that her patient has severe depression and is overweight. I’m not sure what those facts have to do with what I will be helping her with, but this is typical of this woman. She is always giving me too much information about her patients, and considering I live in the same town as some of them, and my daughter goes to school with a couple of them, well, it seems inappropriate.

I did talk to the new client on the phone last week, and one of the first things she told me is that she is in counseling for depression. I guess this is a big part of her life right now, and I appreciate her openness about it. She sounds very nice and I’m looking forward to meeting her. I didn’t get that “click” like I got with my last client, but I know that’s rare.

I guess it’s time to do a Bucket List update, since yesterday was the 13th. Here’s the list:

1. Save someone’s life – fail

This was a really ambitious goal, and I don’t think I’ll ever get this one. Unless someone is choking and I happen to remember how to do the Heimlich.

2. Learn to take a compliment – in progress

I think I am getting better at this. Instead of denying or making excuses for whatever the person is complimenting me on, I just shut up and think the things in my head. That’s progress.

3. Eat whatever I want for a whole day and don’t write down any of it – unsure

I did go through a period of time recently when I wasn’t writing down my food, but I also wasn’t eating everything I wanted. At this point I don’t even know what kind of food I really want, because anything that most people would want (pizza, ice cream) I can’t even imagine eating. So I’m not sure where I stand with this.

4. Connect with xxxx (old friend/boyfriend) – complete

I did do this, we had email communication last summer. He hadn’t changed a bit in the last 25 years, which actually doesn’t say anything positive about him. He still can’t commit, and he is still confused about his sexuality. No one else is confused about it, just him. We talked about getting together, but then he never followed up, and I didn’t even care. So I can cross this off.

5. Have jury duty – fail

I called the jury office and told the woman who answered that I want to sit on a jury. She looked me up and said I haven’t been called since 1997, which is true. I asked if she could bump me up to the top of the list, but she said no. With all of the people out there who don’t want to be called for jury duty I don’t understand why they wouldn’t call me, I want to do it.

6. Swim a mile – all at once – fail

I definitely did not accomplish this. Not even close. I was thinking of doing a sprint triathlon for about 5 seconds, then I remembered I would most likely drown. If I am going to complete this goal I’m going to have to use an indoor pool and practice every day. I don’t know if I have the motivation for that, and is it even worth it?

7. Eat local for a week – in progress

This is on the calendar for spring, there isn’t much local here right now.

8. Spend a week with Habitat for Humanity in the Gulf Coast – unsure

I really want to do this. I checked out the website last week, I have to make the commitment to do it, I’m not sure what’s holding me back.

9. Get to know a local farmer – complete

I did this. I had email correspondence with a local farmer and I plan to buy some things from his farm in the spring. I also got to know some local farmers at the farmers market, and I recently signed up for chicken and egg delivery from a local farm, which starts in April. Apparently we don’t have chicken and egg production in the winter here, it’s too cold. Chickens in factories don’t have weather issues.

10. Parasail – fail

This was a total bust. I wanted to do it last summer, but my daughter wouldn’t go with me because she was afraid I’d panic. Which I probably would have. Now I don’t even want to do it anymore. Is it ok to take something off the bucket list?

11. Learn to golf – complete

I did this. I took lessons in September. I hated it, and I plan to never golf again. I was really looking forward to getting some cute golf clothes, but it’s not going to happen.

12. Compost – in progress

I did a lot of research into composting last summer, and I need to get my act together and start doing something about this. No excuses for not following through on this, just lazy and procrastinating.

13. Drive a Porsche – unsure

I haven’t done this. A couple of years ago my husband looked into renting me a Porsche for my birthday, but there was a three day minimum and it was about $500 a day. He told me we could go to the Porsche dealership and test drive a car, but I didn’t think that was honest. The guy who does my hair told me that the next time he buys a Porsche (he buys new cars all of the time) he would let me drive it, but he hasn’t gotten one yet. A lot of people here where I live have Porsches, I just need to get to know some of them.

So to tally it all up:

Completed – 3
In Progress – 3
Failure – 4
Unsure – 3

But to be fair, one of the failures is not exactly my fault. I can’t force the county to call me to jury duty, and I did try. Only completing three of the items isn’t a really stellar effort. I need to get to work on these.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, but I mentioned the other day that I’d like to improve my communication skills. After all I can’t write everything all of the time, I do need to talk as well. And I’m not sure if the problem is the communication or the fact that I’m afraid to trust people and let them into my little brick house.

I do have some running goals – I’m going to try to run 1000 miles this year. That is a little less than 20 miles per week. I’m going to count walking in there too. And I’m running in my first 10 miler in April.

I can’t really think too far ahead, you know? Taking one day, or one week at a time may be the best I can do.

Only one more day left in 2009. That’s kind of scary, I hate when time goes on and on and I can’t control it. I would like to stop it for a while, get my bearings, and then restart it.

I know you are all anxiously awaiting my weekly therapy update (NOT!) and I’m working on it. Just not ready to post it yet. I’m really not enjoying therapy very much lately, which I guess means it’s working?

I think I’m finally over Jason Bourne. I have a new movie obsession – The Wrestler. (Does anyone else do this – just become so caught up in a movie that you watch it over and over in a short period of time?) I’ve watched it three times this week, and I think it is a fantastic movie, but at times hard to watch. Want to hear about it? I won’t give away the end, I promise.

This story is about a wrestler – Randy the Ram (played by Mickey Rourke). He is in his mid-50’s I would say, and his glory days of life and wrestling are long over. But he is famous for being a great wrestler, as much an athlete as an entertainer. Everyone knows about him, even if they are too young to have ever seen him wrestle. Now he just does small matches against younger wrestlers in places like the Elk Lodge or VFW hall.

He drinks, takes drugs (legal and illegal) and lives alone in a trailer. He works during the week at a grocery store, and he is trying to get more hours, but can’t work on the weekends because that is when he wrestles. Randy has a “friend”, a stripper named Cassidy (played by Marisa Tomei and she is hot! And about 45 years old). She is also older than the other women in the club. He is in love with her, but he doesn’t tell her this. He might not even know.

After a particularly grueling match Randy has a heart attack and needs heart bypass surgery. He wakes up and his doctor tells him he can’t ever wrestle again. He has a huge scar on his chest. So now he is totally alone and can’t wrestle – the one thing he is good at. He tells Cassidy about the heart attack and how he has nothing left, and she tells him to try to rekindle his relationship with his daughter. He goes to his daughter’s house, but she yells at him and curses him out and tells him he is a loser and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

Cassidy then goes shopping with Randy to buy his daughter a gift. She is breaking her rule about socializing with customers. She chooses a nice peacoat for his daughter, and he chooses a gaudy green jacket with the letter S on it (her name is Stephanie). Then they go out for a beer, Randy kisses Cassidy, she freaks out and leaves.

Randy sees his daughter again and gives her the gifts. She is softening towards him. They spend the day together and agree to have dinner in a few days.

Since he is not wrestling anymore Randy tells his boss at the grocery store that he can work weekends now. He is assigned to the deli counter, and there are some humorous, but sad, scenes of Randy interacting with customers as he gives them ham and potato salad.

A few days later Randy goes out, meets a woman, gets wasted, and spends the night at her house. He goes home in the morning and sleeps all day, then realizes he missed his dinner with his daughter. He goes to her house, and it’s not a pleasant scene. He let her down once again.

So now he has no relationship with his daughter, his love interest isn’t interested in him and only likes him as a customer, and he can’t wrestle. He has nothing. He decides to wrestle again and schedules a big match, knowing that the doctor told him that wrestling would be fatal. It’s the only thing in his life that he can be proud of, that he is good at, where people love him.

I won’t tell you anymore! You must watch the movie, the end is amazing. I think I’ll go watch it again actually.

Something scary happened while I was rereading my old blog posts the other day. J and I had discussions that I don’t remember at all. I’m not too concerned about that because of course I know I can’t remember everything we discussed over the last year. But apparently I gave him a letter about a year ago, and in that letter I disclosed the same thing to him that I told him two weeks ago. I have no recollection of giving him that letter, or anything that was in it. And it took me weeks to get up enough courage to tell him about this situation, when in actual fact I had told him about it a year ago! I have a copy of the letter in my blog, and a copy of it in my documents folder on my computer. But I don’t remember writing it or giving it to him. I don’t understand this at all.

I have come up with two theories. The first one explains why I have been having crazy thoughts and why my mind won’t stop thinking and imagining and driving me crazy. I must have a brain tumor. Those are the symptoms of a brain tumor, right?

The second theory explains why I have always put a barrier between me and everyone else. I believe this began when I was young and I realized that I wasn’t like everyone else. I was odd, different, weird. And if people knew that they would, at best, not understand me, and more likely ridicule me. No one likes to be ridiculed, so I just shut down. That was simple.

There are two things in the news with which I am thinking a lot about. The first is the Ft. Hood incident. I keep checking WashingtonPost.com and cnn.com to see if there are any articles about Major Hasan (why don’t they call doctors in the Army Doctor?) It’s interesting how every article refers to him as the “alleged” shooter of the 13 victims who died. He “allegedly” opened fire, and he is “suspected” of the shooting. He did it! Why can’t the media say he did it?

OK, aside from that, I am wondering what has been going on in his head. I bet he thought a lot of bad thoughts. People who think bad thoughts should not have access to guns. My psychologist says there is nothing wrong with bad thoughts, only bad actions. But how do you know that your bad thoughts will stay thoughts and not turn into actions? One never knows, do they?

The other news item is John Muhammad, the Washington DC area sniper. I live in the Washington DC area, mere miles from the site where the snipers first began their rampage. It was a terrible day, and only one year after 9/11. In some ways this was worse than 9/11, as far as day to day living is concerned. We couldn’t let our children play outside, we couldn’t even let them walk to school. We live one block from the school! They couldn’t go outside for recess for months.

But I’m wondering what Muhammad is thinking tonight. What must it be like to know the exact day and time when one will die? I’m thinking about this a lot, and I’m not sure it’s a good thing.

Remember I wrote about my 10K on Sunday? I didn’t mention my guardian angel.

We had done a trial run of the race route the week before the race. Towards the end of the race is a small hill, nothing terrible, but it’s at the end when I’m tired and feeling kind of weak. When we did the trial run I was running up that hill and I noticed a man running at my pace. We passed each other back and forth a bit, and chatted about how we’re almost done, and then we finished the route together. I had never seen him before, and our training group has been together since August.

The day of the race I was running up the really long hill between miles 3 and 4, and my legs were feeling heavy. I was trying to go various places in my head to keep me going. Then I noticed the same man running next to me. Again, we passed each other a few times and chatted about the hill and how it’s almost over. When we reached the top of the hill I didn’t see him again. Until that last little hill, where I had seen him the first time. There he was again during the race. This time I asked him his name, and he said, “Ed.” He said he knew my name because he heard someone shout it out during the race. We finished the race together, crossed the finish line at the same time, and I gave him a high five. Then he disappeared.

A bunch of us from the training group hung out for a while, eating the free food, listening to the music and the awards ceremony. I asked the others if they knew anyone in the group named Ed, and I described him and said I had only seen him twice, at the trial run and at the race. No one could say they knew him or had ever seen him.

When I got home I checked the race results, and there he was right under me. Turns out he is 63 years old and lives in the next town. That night we had a party at the Mexican restaurant and I asked around again if anyone knew Ed. No one did. I was beginning to think that Ed wasn’t real, that he was my guardian angel who came to help me during difficult runs. I don’t believe in ghosts or angels, but I’m willing to change my mind if presented with enough evidence.

Then I checked with the coach. “Do you know someone named Ed?” I described him and the coach couldn’t figure out who it was. I was really started to think I had entered the twilight zone, when my coach said, “Ed Wallace!” I said, “Yes!” The coach told me that he is the husband of someone who sometimes is a pace group leader in our group, and that he joins us occasionally for runs and races.

So Ed really exists. He’s not a ghost, but I still think he’s my guardian angel.