Category Archives: self esteem

Apr 23 2013

An Epiphany?

Last week I had the talk with my husband – I told him that I found a place to live and that I would be moving out. I recorded the conversation with the voice recorder on my phone, because I wanted people to believe me when I say that he doesn’t talk, doesn’t show emotion, doesn’t respond to me, etc. Not that anyone would ever really ask to listen to it.

But in therapy yesterday I asked art t if she would like to hear the recording. It is only 6 minutes long, and I actually typed it all up because parts are hard to understand. She listened to the whole thing. Then she told me she is really glad that I brought it in for her to listen to, because she only hears what her clients have to say, and not that she doesn’t believe them (dubious maybe) but she frequently feels that they are perceiving things incorrectly.

After listening to my conversation with my husband, she doesn’t feel that I am perceiving things incorrectly. She asked if he was always like this, and was somewhat incredulous that I have been able to stay with him as long as I have.

Now, to back up to Sunday night, I went out to dinner with a meet up group that I have been in for the past year. And there is a man in the group (Let’s call him Mr. Z) that I have a huge crush on, but I only see him every couple of months at these meet up functions. He is very sweet and affectionate and insightful and smart, but also funny and crass, and I also think he is hot. We all had dinner, then some of us stayed around for drinks after dinner, and broke up into little groups. He and I were sitting together at the bar, with a new woman in the group, a beautiful blonde woman with big boobs. She seemed proud of those boobs, as there was a lot of cleavage showing. I don’t have any cleavage, there’s not much to work with there.

Anyway, we were all drinking and talking, and I was talking about my marriage situation among other things. And I said that I am bad at relationships. Mr. Z said that is ridiculous, I am obviously not bad at relationships because I am relating quite well to him and Ms. Cleavage, and being very open and honest. I blew that off by saying that I didn’t know them that well and maybe it is easier to be open with people who aren’t as close to me on a day to day basis.

After a few drinks (maybe a few drinks too many), Mr. Z asked if I would drive him to his ex-girlfriend’s house which is not far from where I live, so I said sure. During the drive we did a lot of talking, I was being very honest, and I again mentioned that I am not good at relationships, and he didn’t believe me. He opened up to me and told me that he broke up with his girlfriend last night. They had only been dating about 9 months, and he was acting like it was no big deal, but I didn’t believe him.

And apparently he stays at his ex-girlfriend’s place because they are still friends. (He wasn’t staying with the one he broke up with last night, but his long term ex-girlfriend.) Somewhere along the way to her apartment he started holding my hand. And we just kept talking and talking, and we got to her apartment and I pulled up in front, but we continued talking and talking and he was holding my hand and it was very sweet. Then we had a really close hug for a long time and he said he loved me and I said I loved him too. (Not that kind of love, just the kind of love you have for someone that you just spent a few hours with drinking and sharing your stories.) And I kissed him on the cheek and told him to call me, or facebook me, or email me and he got out and started to walk away, then turned around to look at me and waved.

It was very sweet.

I was telling art t all about it, and how nice it was to hear someone say they love me, even though it isn’t that kind of love. I told her that the only people who say they love me are my daughter and my cleaning lady.

But where I am going with this, is after art t listened to the recording and said something insightful like, “Where are his emotions?” I thought to myself, maybe I am not bad at relationships. Maybe I am bad at relationships with people like my husband. People who do not express emotions, and also don’t know what to do with the emotions I give them (for example he would laugh when I was crying and saying someone hurt me.)

So now I am wondering. All of this time that I thought I was bad at relationships, maybe I am not. This is very enlightening. It is something to think about.

Feb 20 2013

Having A Story

In session with Art T this week, there was more stuff about J. It seems like a lot of my therapy is about my therapy with J. I was telling Art T about the pattern J and I had in sessions:

10 minutes to say my stuff
20 minute Q&A interacting
J talks for 15 minutes, gives lots of examples

How the normalizing technique was one he was particularly fond of, but I often found it invalidating. Like “everyone feels that way, it’s no big deal”, which left me thinking “oh, well then, sorry I brought it up, I must just be a drama queen.”

Art T thought there might be a step missing in between saying whatever it is I am feeling, and J normalizing it. Like maybe validation, saying something like “that must be really hard.” I told her that J didn’t believe in validation, and I could kind of understand that, especially for me, since I get all of my self worth from outside of myself. I can’t really validate myself, and maybe he was trying to get me to do that, instead of him doing it. Art T said that understanding is important, and maybe I didn’t feel that part of the process from J.

Back to words and how they seem to have too much power for me (ie; the word “relationship”) this came up again with the words “dysfunctional” and “narcissistic”. I told Art T that years ago my sister mentioned growing up in our dysfunctional family, and I couldn’t believe she said that, our family wasn’t dysfunctional. Art T said maybe it was dysfunctional, and I said that if I say that my family was dysfunctional that is minimizing everyone who grew up with an actual real blatant dysfunctional family. Art T reminded me of the study done on people who grew up in actual real blatant dysfunctional families, and those who grew up in families that were overtly dysfunctional. She said it was found that the people from the overtly dysfunctional families had more severe problems than the ones from blatantly dysfunctional families, because when the problems are hidden it is harder to place blame on the people who are causing the dysfunction.

I asked Art T if she had ever read the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Karyl McBride. It is a typical self help book, in that the first section describes the symptoms of a person suffering from “not good enough” syndrome. In this book it is daughters of narcissistic mothers. The second part of the book describes how to fix it, and this is where I have a problem. Step One is to understand the problem, diagnose it, and get the background information that defines it.

Step Two processes the feelings related to the problem.

Step Three is about reframing, meaning looking at the problem through another set of lenses, or in a new way.

I told Art T that I see myself in the first part of the book where the author describes these daughters of narcissistic mothers, that I can totally relate to how she describes them. But when I get to the solution, I am stuck at step one, because I am not the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Art T asked how I could relate so much to the first part of the book, which is about daughters of narcissistic mothers, if I am not one myself? Hmmm. She is tricky, that Art T.

Narcissistic is a strong word. According to the DSM my mother is not narcissistic. Close, but not enough for the diagnosis. Art T asked if we could say she is self centered. I said, sure, a little self centered is fine.

I think I am also hesitant to label her narcissistic because I am afraid I am like her in some ways, and that would make me narcissistic. I told Art T that J said if I am worried that I am narcissistic, that means I am probably not. She agreed. She asked me if my mother has ever recognized that she has a problem and gotten help for it, and she has not done either of those things. Art T said that means I am not like her, because I am getting help.

I told Art T that people think my mother is amazing. She said “Just like people think you are amazing!” That didn’t make me feel good.

I described ways that my mother is self centered, but I didn’t want it to be a “bash my mother session” because the last time that happened, with J, my mother called later in the day to say she was at a store and saw something I would like, but wanted to know if I wanted it in black or brown. A narcissistic mother wouldn’t do that.

So some things my mother does are to use things I do to make herself look good, change her viewpoint depending on what others think of her, needs a lot of attention so if something happens she will call 10 people are repeat the same story over and over. She does however come through when someone is in need, and she does great when there is a problem. I was telling Art T one particular story and as I told it I realized that my mom was totally manipulating me. I never realized that is what she was doing. I think my mother didn’t know that is what she was doing, at least not consciously.

I had mentioned to Art T before that I never went to my mother with any problems and I didn’t tell her about anything personal. For example, when I first got my period I didn’t tell my mother for about three days. I tried every day, but the words got stuck in my throat.

To this day, I would not go to my mother with a problem, unless it is absolutely necessary. Sometimes things “slip out”, and I wonder if that is just an unconscious way to try to connect with her. It doesn’t usually work however.

Art T talked about “stories” again, the stories we develop as children to explain our circumstances. We carry these stories through adulthood, when we should figure out that they aren’t true and we should discard them. If we don’t do that, we frequently hold the wrong ideas about ourselves and are unhappy.

During this last year I have been in school and we had a speaker named Debbie Ford, who wrote some books about this topic. Sadly, she died this week. I did read one of her books, and did not get much out of it, but I just downloaded another one to my kindle called “The Secret of the Shadow: The Power of Owning Your Story” and here is the description:

The past is more than prologue, says bestselling author and Chopra Center for Well Being counselor Debbie Ford. The Secret of the Shadow urges readers to create a fresh meaning about their formative experiences, especially the painful ones, and use them to plan a more purposeful and authentic life. Ford believes that each person is born with unique gifts and a divine purpose, which are lost when we create a “story”–a collection of beliefs–that manufactures a false self and casts a shadow to hide our uniqueness and prevent us from success in work and love. As she explains, “the key is to stop chasing the feel-good moments and make peace with our stories so we can understand, accept and embrace everything in the past that has caused us pain.” Once we stop trying to change the painful parts of our story, we will discover the divine plan for our lives. Writing in the voice of the wounded healer, Ford tells her own story of embracing the wisdom and direction she found in facing family and addiction problems. She skillfully offers examples from participants in her workshops at the Chopra center who have leveraged the lessons of a painful past into a purposeful life. She invites readers to “own their whole story” by asking: What is the secret [about you] that your story conceals? What wisdom can you contribute to the world that you couldn’t if the events in your life hadn’t happened?”

While I was reading this, I had one of those moments of insight, you know those moments that unfortunately only last for an instant and when you try to grab onto it, it is gone. I am trying to get it back.

Because what if everything I believe about myself isn’t true? Then where am I? First of all I would have wasted decades believing a myth, and living as though this myth was true. That is a devastating feeling. Secondly, if this story is not true, what is my real story? And how do I know my real story is any better than my false one? If I abandon the false story I might uncover a story that is equally, or even worse, than the myth. I think that would be even more devastating.

Dec 11 2012

Talking About The Mask

When I saw Art T today I showed her the mask and said I wasn’t sure if it was right, and of course she said there is no right or wrong. I told her it was creepy, the hair and the eyes. She said I could try to fix it and I said what if it gets worse. She said the cool thing about this is I could just cover it up with another layer. I said what if I keep trying to fix it and it stays bad or gets worse. At least if I don’t try to fix it I could have the hope that it can be fixed. She said that seems like a metaphor. I said yes it does. I said maybe that is why I stayed with J for so long. If I had left and found a therapist that was a better fit for me and I still didn’t get better then I would know I was broken. But staying with him always gave me hope that I could be fixed, just that he wasn’t right for me.

She asked what would make the hair better and I thought maybe brown straight ribbon or yarn, but I bought the curly ribbon because it was already curled and attached to little cardboard squares so I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to attach. She made a comment about how I picked the easy thing, and I said that saying I was looking for a shortcut was somewhat insulting because I spent a lot of time doing this thing, I had to find the materials and cut out all of the words and actually put it together. She said she didn’t mean to be insulting. I told her that J would sometimes say I was looking for a shortcut, and she said “Oh I hit a J sore spot”.

We decided I should take off the ribbons and make the mask bald, and it really did make it better. I also told her that there weren’t enough words for the front, and too many for the inside. We talked about the words on the outside and how that is how people see me.

So about being broken, she said people aren’t born that way. Then she was talking about trauma and I said that I didn’t experience any trauma, and she said she believes that I did. I said that she is watering down the meaning of the word trauma and she said there is Big T trauma and little t trauma, and told me about a study where people who had Big T trauma were compared with those with little t trauma later in life, and they seemed to have the same attachment pattern, which I am assuming is a bad attachment style. She said some of the little t trauma people were even worse because they couldn’t specifically put their finger on what caused their problems.

J was always trying to convince me that my mother is narcissistic, and now Art T is trying to convince me that I had trauma in my childhood, and I don’t think either is true. I know too many people who have experienced trauma, and what I had wasn’t trauma by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, maybe the family was a little messed up because of the illness of my dad and my sister, and maybe because I was different and ugly as a child I got made fun of, and no one ever really understood me, but that is not trauma.

Then we talked about being sensitive and I said how bad it is, but Art T said it is good, and told me that all of the things I’ve done to help people are because I am sensitive. I said being sensitive makes it easy to get hurt, and she said that is a downside. Then I said something about sensitive people getting hurt when they are bullied, and confident children wouldn’t let it bother them, and she said confident people don’t get bullied. Oh.

Art T spent some time reading the inside words and said some of them are things everyone would want – love, living life, connection. We talked about how I am always looking for something that seems missing, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe what I want is something I already have and that is why I can’t find it. I have a good life. She asked me if anyone sees the inside part of me and I said that sometimes people see parts, very few people. But I think maybe I should just accept things the way they are, and I think she said something about how she can see I am looking for something and I should try to find it. I think she said that.

Amazing was a word on the outside and she asked me if I do amazing things and I said I don’t, but people say I do. She asked what would be amazing and we had a talk about how what I consider amazing for other people isn’t amazing for me, like donating a kidney. She asked what would be amazing and I said it would be running in the street to save a child about to be hit by a car or something. J and I had this same discussion. I said that whenever anyone does anything amazing they never say they are amazing, they just say they are doing what anyone would do.

She said I have high expectations of myself, yes, I already know that. J and I had that discussion many times.

I said something about helping people and doing it because it makes me feel good and then I feel guilty. We talked about how doing things for other people intrinsically make us feel good and doesn’t take away from the good we are doing. She said that what would it be like if she felt guilty for everyone that she helped because it makes her feel good. Then something about doing things for others makes some people feel like they have power – doctors sometimes get that way.

Then we talked about happiness. It was getting confusing, I think sometimes an hour session is too long, it gets overwhelming. With J I only had 45 minutes, and it felt too short, but of course, he talked a lot. Art T talks too, but it is more back and forth talking, not me sitting there listening to her talk for minutes on end.

I said that no one can be happy with everything bad going on in the world, and if I have a moment of happiness I feel guilty. That only ignorant people can be happy. She got out the feelings paper to see other words that are like happy, and we talked about “being happy” vs a “feeling of happiness”. I said that when someone has a baby they would be very happy and they shouldn’t feel guilty about that. This whole part was too confusing. I can’t really remember it and I know I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I’m going to have to ask her to cut our sessions shorter, or talk about something less deep for the last 15 minutes, or maybe do art. As long as I don’t feel self conscious about the art it might be relaxing to draw or color for 15 minutes. I love to color in coloring books – that’s so stupid, isn’t it? I’m 52 years old.

It’s amazing to me how much we can talk about in an hour, without talking about my week at all. I never once mentioned anything I did this week, or anything about the stress I am under right now with my marriage and our finances falling apart. And that is fine with me, she is much more into talking about emotions, and deep things. Of course, I cried a little a couple of times. It wouldn’t be therapy with Art T without some tears.

Oct 27 2012

Making a Mask

I was telling Art T this week about how people see me as so confident and competent and it is hard for me to talk to people about how I feel about things because they don’t want to hear it. For instance recently I tried to talk to two people about my anxiety about starting a new business and they immediately said, “You can do whatever you set your mind to” and “Is there anything you can’t do?” I was telling her that J was always trying to convince me how competent I am, and I would tell him that is just the surface stuff. He said that it isn’t either/or, the competent part and the low self esteem part are both parts of me, whereas I see the competent part as fake. Art T says that is true, but she said it seemed that I felt the insecure part of me was minimized and not validated by what J would say to me. I know he didn’t mean to do that, but yeah, I guess I did feel that way.

So Art T told me that I could make a mask out of plaster and I could draw or write or color or cut out words or pictures to put on the outside, and then other things on the inside. Like the competent stuff on the outside and the insecurity on the inside. She sent me home with the mold and the plaster and I worked on it today. Now it just has to dry.

I also brought in a bunch of childhood photos, but we didn’t have time to look at them, which was fine with me. At least she acknowledged them, J would give me homework and then never mention it again.

I asked Art T more about the Internal Family Systems therapy and she explained about the parts – the protectors and the exiles and the self. She said she thought I had a strong self because I let myself feel the emotion. I told her that I never let myself feel it with J and she said I must have had a protector telling me that something wasn’t safe. Thinking about it afterwards I thought that never in my life did a man/attractive/confident/successful/captain of the football team/most likely to succeed/great personality ever want to talk to, or even notice, the geek/nerd/socially inept/misfit/ugly girl. So it makes sense that I didn’t feel safe, no matter how nice he was. I wish J and I could have addressed that at some point.

She talked a lot about protector parts and how they are helpful and you have to have them trust you so that you can get to the young parts. She said “Have you ever had a problem with cutting or hurting yourself” because that is a protector role, and I just looked at her without a response. I can’t believe she said that, I don’t know if it was a rhetorical question, or if she thinks I am a person who self injured, or if she just said that because it is one of her specialties according to the website. She said it as thought she were saying, “Have you ever eaten too much pizza?”

According to what J and I talked about in July, I only have one more week of my break with him and then I would be going back. But even if I wanted to go back I couldn’t, we are having to watch our finances right now and I could only see a therapist who is participating in my plan. Which J doesn’t. But Art T does and my copay with her is only $15. I actually got the first two visits for free as something our insurance company offered to the employees. I don’t quite understand that. I can’t believe I’ve seen her 5 times already, wow. And cried every time.

Oct 16 2012

Art T Recap 10/15/12

When I got to Art T yesterday I told her that according to my story I had cancer for 43 days. I had looked at the story that I wrote, and when I was talking about it with her last week I couldn’t remember exactly how many days it was. She said she would like me to bring in the story and read it to her, she said she likes when the client reads their writing to her, but she could read it if I didn’t want to. I told her that it really wasn’t that interesting, I don’t think she would learn much about me from the story, but in the writing class I took I did write some stories that she might be interested in. I told her about the writing class and how it was emotionally hard for me, and how I dropped out, then went back, and that we have reunions every few months. I try not to write anything too emotional because I have a hard time reading my stories to the group.

She asked if we could talk more about myself – my childhood, my husband, my kids, etc – but I said that I would really like to work on the blocks I have in starting this new health coaching business. We did that for a while, talked about the difficulty I have in calling people, asking people for things, charging money for my services, etc. CBT techniques. Somehow this led to some deep stuff.

This is what I always thought I would want with J. He wanted surface stuff, and I wanted deep stuff, and he said by working on the day to day things the deeper stuff would come out, but it never did with him. It certainly did with Art T yesterday! We somehow got onto the subject of how when I was a child I never felt normal, I was very weird. She asked in what ways I thought I was weird and I said I was socially inept, I was introverted, I thought about different things than the other kids and I was ugly. I had told all of this to J, but I’m not sure I ever actually told him that I was an ugly child.

Art T asked at what age I was when I wasn’t ugly anymore. I thought she was tricking me or something. I didn’t understand the question. I said there was no age when I wasn’t ugly anymore, and she acted surprised. She said she didn’t view me as ugly at all, that she actually saw me as attractive. (Not pretty or beautiful or good looking, but attractive.) I think I started to cry at this point. I asked her if this was a trick, and she said it wasn’t a trick, that there are no tricks. She said “You experience yourself as ugly?” Which is a very strange way to put words together I think. I said, “I know what I look like.” She asked about what particular things I think are ugly and I mentioned quite a few, and the things I thought were ugly about myself when I was young.

I told her she was being nice to me and telling me I am attractive because that is what a therapist is supposed to do for their clients. She said that when she says something to a client she has to believe it. She said “if someone was ugly” and “I don’t even know exactly what that would be”, she would not say something to them that she didn’t believe.

She asked if I always thought I was ugly and if I look at childhood photos of me do I think I am ugly. I said that I was cute until I was about 3. All kids under the age of 4 or 5 are cute, I taught nursery school so I know that. I told her about an old family video I was watching with my aunt and there was a cute little girl in the video. I asked my aunt who that little girl was, and she said it was me. The little girl was really really cute. She was 2 years old.

Things kind of got difficult. I do this thing where when there is something that is making me anxious or I don’t want to think about, I sing the ABC song in my head. I find myself doing this when Art T is talking to me. I can hear her, but not hear her, you know? I don’t think she notices, but I should tell her that I do this. It’s not respectful for me to sing in my head while she is telling me important things. She kept talking about a young part of me and that part not getting what it needed. That my parents didn’t act like “Oh what a great little girl we have, she likes to sit home and read books, and she thinks about things that other kids don’t think about!” And something about how my father and sister were sick a lot so I didn’t ask to get my needs met.

It was very difficult. The whole body image/appearance subject is hard for me, and the times it came up with J I would back off and he wouldn’t press. But Art T was asking me questions and really delving into what she calls the “young part”. I guess this is what I wanted from therapy, but it is hard. I was singing pretty darn loudly in my head!

Art T was talking a lot about how you can know something logically but not feel it to be true because there is a young part that doesn’t understand logic. I asked her how to fix that problem, and she said it involves taking care of the young part and showing it compassion and being nice to it, etc. I have read a lot about having compassion for oneself, and I don’t really understand it. I told her that I thought it was somewhat narcissistic, and she said that it isn’t, that if you are compassionate to yourself you can be more compassionate to others.

It’s not really a big deal anymore, being ugly. I mean, at my age no one teases me or bullies me about my appearance, or even about my weirdness. There are attractive people, and beautiful people, and pretty people, and ugly people. It’s a fact. Growing up as an ugly child can be difficult, you know kids are mean. J is very good looking. He is one of the most attractive people I have seen. He is like Brad Pitt gorgeous, which is one of the reasons he was so intimidating to me. Perfect face, incredibly fit body, great hair, the whole package.

Art T is very pretty. But she is a little overweight, and she doesn’t wear makeup…she is just right, very approachable, not intimidating at all. We talked a little about weight yesterday, and how I perceive myself as a big person. I am big, I am tall for a woman and I have broad shoulders, long arms and legs, big feet. I believe that I am at a healthy weight, and she asked me what I thought of my weight. It was hard to talk about body and weight stuff with J because he was perfect, and it is hard to talk about body and weight stuff with Art T because she is a little overweight. Or maybe it isn’t them at all, maybe it is just difficult for me to talk about it with anyone.

I didn’t feel well after the session. I did go to job #1, but didn’t go to job #2. I had physical therapy in the afternoon, which was good, physical pain is better than emotional pain. I had a couple glasses of wine last night and watched a Jason Bourne movie. One good thing I did was to call my first prospective client, he had expressed an interest in working with me as a health coach, and all I had to do was call him to set up an appointment, and I did it, even though I had been putting it off because it was so outside of my comfort zone. Art T and I had talked about it at my session, and I did it.

But I also had bad dreams. And a bad night in general. The dog woke up in the night and wanted to go out, and then I wasn’t sure she came back so I started wandering around the house looking for her, and she was in the bedroom the whole time. And H was snoring a lot. And close to the morning I had a very bad dream in which someone was forcing me to make someone else drink bleach. I have no idea where the hell that came from. So today I had a therapy hangover as well as a dream hangover. Whew. I am tired.

Art T wants me to find photos from my childhood and bring them in to show her. That is fine with me, then she’ll see that I really was an ugly kid.

Dec 21 2011

Therapy Recap 12/20/11

Me: So…

J: So, what are we talking about

Me: So….sometimes I wish…..well…I only want to talk about this for 5 minutes or so….I think it would be helpful to know…..more about your therapeutic techniques and what they are supposed to do. I know they are secret, and you don’t have to tell me all of them, but maybe when you are using one you can tell me what I am supposed to get from it.

J: They aren’t secret. And I don’t come up with therapeutic techniques ahead of time, I don’t see you coming and say “Oh, I’m going to use this technique on Harriet today.” (He said this a lot more nicely than it sounds typed out.)

Me: Well, sometimes we are in the middle of something, and I know you are doing something, but I’m not sure what, and then because of time limitations we end and I leave not knowing what just happened and what conclusion I was supposed to come to, and then it never comes up again.

J: I believe that if things are important they always come up again.

Me: I mean right away.

J: Just now I was at my computer and I saw your car pull in and I thought “I wonder how Harriet’s five dinners last week went” but I don’t bring that up because maybe you want to talk about something your sister did, for example.

(I am always a little freaked out that he can see me outside, but I can’t see into his office because of the way the blinds are tilted. I am also glad that he said he was wondering about my dinners because it means he remembered what I told him last week and he was curious about how it went. I think it might be hard for therapists because clients start something one week, and may not get back to it, and the therapist is left wondering what happened.)

J: Can you give me an example of when this happens?

Me: Yes, I certainly can. Last week we were talking about how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment with the oncologist and that hurt my feelings, and you said maybe he was in a meeting, or had important things on his mind, and it was my fault because I didn’t worry enough about the appointment so he didn’t think it was important and I didn’t even call him after the appointment to tell him what happened. So I know you were trying to be unsupportive, like I feel other people in my life are sometimes, even though I know it’s because my expectations are too high, and you wanted to get me to react the way I react when other people aren’t being supportive, and how I react is not to say anything, so I didn’t say anything when you were being unsupportive and I don’t know how that could help me.

J: I don’t purposely play the part of other people in your life, and I don’t try to be unsupportive and I didn’t want you to think this was your fault.

Me: So it was just an accident? I thought you were being mean on purpose. I’m sure they had that class in school – Mean 101.

J: I think I missed that class.

Me: You weren’t really mean, I am exaggerating.

J: Trying to get you to react sounds awfully manipulative.

Me: Exactly, but I can kind of understand if that is what needs to be done.

J: (Blah blah blah, he lists my issues, we all know them) When you are thinking negatively about yourself I try to play devil’s advocate.

Me: Well when you tell me reasons people do things like my husband did, I understand it in my head but I still feel the feelings of being let down.

J: You could say that to me.

Me: I can’t say “What you are doing isn’t helping me”. I wouldn’t go to the doctor for knee pain and tell me he isn’t helping me when he takes my temperature. He is a professional and knows what he is doing.

J: (Something about how we are on this journey together….) Last week you did say to me right away that I was taking your husband’s side.

Me: Yes I did. But you continued on.

J: When you said that I knew that you weren’t in a place where you could hear logic (so why did he go on and on? I might be confusing this part of the conversation, but I do remember being confused right here.)

Me: And you couldn’t tell that I didn’t want to hear that stuff just then?

J: I don’t know. I think you could say something like “I understand what you are saying in my head, but I still feel my feelings.”

Me: Maybe instead of me having to say all of that we could have a code word.

J: Asparagus?

Me: Sure, and if we aren’t in a vegetable mood we could use banana.

J: Why do you think you still feel the feelings even though you get the point intellectually?

Me: Either I something or something (I gave two reasons that made sense, but for some reason I can’t remember them right now.)

J: Maybe it is because you shut down emotionally because it is difficult for you to be emotional here.

Me: That is true.

J: You are an intelligent woman, but I think you do a lot of thinking and not a lot of being.

Me: Yes, that is true, I am introspective and I analyze things in detail. I can’t change that I do that, but maybe I could change what I am thinking about.

J: Why might it be bad to overthink and analyze things?

Me: Because I come to conclusions that could be totally wrong and I am convinced of my beliefs.

J: (Telling me the story he has told me before about passing a test and thinking you are great, and failing a test and thinking it is the teacher’s fault. Or passing a test and saying it is easy and failing a test and saying you are a failure – which is me) It’s good to be somewhere in the middle. I know you think a lot about what we talk about during the week.

Me: Yes, you told me that you don’t know anyone who writes out their therapy sessions like I do, but there are plenty of people who do that, and even write out their thoughts about their sessions every day – you can look on the internet.

J: Yes, I’m sure there are.

Me: And maybe some of your clients do it and you just don’t know.

J: That could be true.

Me: I know most of your clients come in and talk about their week. How many talk about things like we are talking about right now? What percentage?

J: Maybe 10%. Why do you want to know how many?

Me: I want to know if I am normal.

J: There is no normal, everyone’s therapy is different.

Me: There are times when I do talk about things in my life, like when I had my medical issues. I don’t want to talk about therapy in therapy all the time, but I like to know what is happening. Are you getting away from psychodynamic therapy and more into cognitive behavioral?

J: (Squirming…a lot) It really depends on the person, if someone comes in for smoking cessation, or substance abuse then I do a lot of behavioral stuff with them. And for some people it gets mixed together. Your issues (and he lists them again) aren’t like a substance abuser’s issues.

Instead of 5 minutes, this went on for 30 minutes. I remember him saying something about his training, and something about projection (which I definitely can see), and the way he and I relate, etc.

Then I changed the subject and I told him that I had talked to two of the family therapists that he recommended and we are seeing one on Thursday and one next month. I am not crazy about the one on Thursday just based on our phone conversation, but I like the one we are meeting in January. We talked about why I picked them, and how I think it will go, and how I know it’s not just me that needs to click with the therapist, that there are three of us. The one I liked on the phone seems warm and fuzzy and nurturing, and I like that, but my husband probably wouldn’t. So we need to try out a few.

I brought up that going through my son’s old school records and psycho-educational testing and school meetings for his IEP brought back bad feelings, but we didn’t really talk about that.

I think this session was productive, I think I expressed how I feel about the therapy itself, and how maybe it could be better for me, and J was very cooperative and I felt connected. I think I should tell him to give me a warning when he is going to try to change my viewpoint like “I’m going to play devil’s advocate” or “Let’s see how we can look at this another way” rather than jump right in with “Well that person did this because of abc and you didn’t do xyz….” And maybe if I am not in the mood for devil’s advocate or looking at it another way I can say so right then. Which doesn’t mean he shouldn’t continue, because I know I have to do things and hear things in therapy which are difficult, but maybe if he knows I am feeling resistance we can incorporate that into the process.

Dec 6 2011

Therapy Recap 12/6/11

The beginning of the session didn’t go too well. Here is our conversation:

Me: So were you able to come up with any recommendations for me?
J: Recommendations for what?
Me: For someone you can refer my husband and son and I to.

J looked stricken.

J: I dropped the ball. I’m going to write it down right now (he gets up to write a note to himself)
Me: Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have asked you, I know you are busy, it’s all my fault.
J: You should definitely have asked me, this is part of my job, I do this all the time.
Me: Well, I should just stick to my 45 minutes and not ask you to do other things.
J: I’m sorry I forgot, it is actually very unprofessional of me. I’m embarrassed about forgetting it.
Me: I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. My son’s therapist used to do this to us all the time.
J: I don’t want to be in the same category with your son’s therapist. I will get you the names very soon.

Silence.

Me: So what do you want to talk about now?
J: How about how you are feeling disappointed that you asked me to do something and I forgot and it makes it seem like you walk out of the room and you are out of my mind and I totally forget about you.

I actually can’t remember what was said after that. I think he was implying that that scenario is not really what happens, but he didn’t actually say.

But we did get into other subjects. I told him that I did things over the weekend and I feel a little like a normal person. But I was planning on asking someone to lunch, however I never made the call. I told him that something is holding me back from picking up the phone. He asked me what was holding me back, and I said I thought maybe he could tell me. He said he can’t really do that but we can work together to figure it out. Then we talked more about the things I did on the weekend.

We got into how I would never ask most of my friends to do anything on the weekends because they are probably doing things with their spouses. I do have a couple of divorced friends and I could ask them to do things. J asked me what I think my friends are doing with their spouses on the weekends?

This led to a discussion of my marriage and how my husband and I don’t do things together. We went into some history of things we did together in the past, and how when the kids were at home they were our common interest, but there is no common interest anymore. Then J went into a whole thing about what I could say to my husband. At the end I said, “No I can’t say that.” Then we talked more about what I could say.

Then stuff about whether I think I have an average marriage and I deserve to have a partner who wants to connect with me. And he mentioned couples counseling a couple of times and if I have ever thought of it, which I have but I know my husband wouldn’t talk so what would be the point?

That was about it. But after I left I realized that this scene has been played out before with me and J. I tell him about a situation and he tells me what I should say. I used to just say ok and not do it, but now I tell him that I can’t say those things. I once told him that it’s not the words I have trouble with, it is saying them. I am not an idiot, I know what to say to people. My good friend does that too – “this is what you should say”. I don’t want people to tell me what to say.

About three hours after I left J emailed me with a list of therapists that he recommends. He didn’t forget this time. When I sent him a thank you response I also said this:

I thought of something after I left. When we were talking today about my marriage you were telling me things I could/should say to my husband. In the past I would have just said “ok” and not done it, at least now I’m telling you that I can’t do it. It’s not the words that are the problem, it is why I can’t say the words. I know we have talked about this before, but I guess not for a while. So maybe we can do therapy on why I can’t say the words, rather than on you telling me the words to say? Unless you think that is totally irrelevant, you are the expert. Can we talk about it next week? Thank you. Have a good week,

And he responded:

I hear you – that sounds like a good topic for next week.

I hope he does hear me. I think it all comes back to my fear of being hurt, not trusting people, not wanting to be vulnerable. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, it is all related. I think that is where the therapy part should be, not the words I should say.

I happened to look at J’s website this afternoon, and I noticed he made some changes (it’s one of those Psychology Today websites). He used to list just “psychodynamic” under orientation. Now it lists:

  • Cognitive Behavioral (CBT)
  • Eclectic
  • Family/Marital Therapy
  • Psychodynamic
  • Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)

Hmmm. I do see that it is in alphabetical order, so I assume CBT shouldn’t really be at the top. But maybe he is getting away from psychodynamic into behavioral stuff. I do want to ask him about this also.

Dec 5 2011

A Good Weekend and a Good Book

Last week at my therapy session I asked J to recommend a family therapist for my husband, son and I. J said sure, no problem, give him a couple of days, and I told him no problem, take as much time as you want. I have never heard back from him. Now I feel bad that I asked him. I know he is very busy and I shouldn’t ask him to do things for me outside of my 45 minutes. I don’t know whether I should bring it up tomorrow or not.

But in the meantime I called my flying therapist, who was my son’s therapist when he a little boy. I left her a message on Friday asking if she could recommend anyone, and she called me first thing this morning and gave me the name of someone she thought would be helpful. I wish I could see my flying therapist for my regular therapy, but for various reasons that wouldn’t work. I really do like her though.

I did plan some things for the weekend – Saturday morning I had running group, in the afternoon I did a couple of errands, in the evening my husband and I went with another couple out to dinner and a hockey game, Sunday my friend’s husband who has cancer called me to see if I wanted to go check out another holiday craft show, so I went with him, then I went to the spa because I had a gift certificate to use up and I had a facial and a massage.

I was thinking of asking someone to go to lunch with me on Sunday, but for some reason I was unable to make a phone call to anyone. I don’t know what stops me from doing that.

Remember the book I wrote about last week? There are some nuggets of wisdom in there. For example:

People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis,” but it’s not. It’s an unraveling—a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

I kind of hate the whole “mindfulness” movement, I think it encourages us to avoid our feelings and just pay attention to whatever is happening at the moment. But here is finally a definition of mindfulness that makes sense to me:

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

Wholehearted people vs non wholehearted people:

When we talked about how the non wholehearted people dealt with difficult emotions (such as shame, grief, fear, despair, disappointment, and sadness), I heard over and over about the need to numb and take the edge off of feelings that cause vulnerability, discomfort, and pain.

When I interviewed the participants whom I’d describe as living a Wholehearted life about the same topic, they consistently talked about trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.

I wonder what leaning into the discomfort means? She uses this phrase often in the book.

And one of my favorite passages, regarding happiness vs joy. For example anyone can lose their wallet and be very unhappy. But a joyful person can still be joyful, losing their wallet won’t take that away. I want my spirit to be joyful.

Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.

And the last one, something I would like for myself:

I would like to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. I want to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Jul 20 2011

An Email To My T

I am not feeling very good this morning.  Whether that is due to my feelings towards my therapist and myself after yesterday’s session, or a result of drinking half a bottle of Skinny Girl margaritas, I don’t know.

If I were to write my t an email today, this is what it would say:

Dear T,

I have told you this before, and I know it is wrong of me to assume that you would remember it, after all you have so many clients.  I should be reminding you of things, and I take full responsibility for not doing that.

But what I have told you before and it still applies now is that when I walk into your office and I don’t talk, it is not because I don’t have anything to say.  It takes me a while to get started.  I am sorry that I have this anxiety about talking, and that I am very slow.  You don’t need to ask me, “What are we talking about today?”, and if you have something you would like to talk about, perhaps it would be best to first ask me if I have something to talk about.  And if I sit and say nothing, perhaps it would be helpful for you to be patient and wait a bit, or even ask me if I am having trouble getting started.  I think it would make me feel more at ease to know that I don’t have to rush because you are getting frustrated and impatient with my lack of ability to start right away the second I sit down.

And I know I am supposed to interrupt you if there is something I want to talk about.  And I am sorry that I cannot do that.  When you are talking very intently about whatever it is that you are talking about I physically cannot interrupt no matter how much my brain is screaming at me to do that.

I also like silence.  It gives me a chance to process and think and get ready for whatever I want to say next.  I feel that you do not like silence because you tend to fill it up whenever there is a moment of quiet. That makes me anxious as well.

Perhaps we are just not compatible, although there are times when it seems that things work well.  And just when things are going along fine, a session like yesterday happens and I end up beating myself up for a week because I didn’t do the right things.  I didn’t talk fast enough, I didn’t start talking right away, I didn’t interrupt.  I know that is what I should be doing and I don’t know why I still am not able to.  So I am sorry for being the way I am, but maybe you can be more patient and helpful in allowing me my space and time to gather my thoughts and get started talking?

I do really like when you ask me about something that I have told you is going to be happening, or when you ask me how something we had previously talked about went.  And that is what you did yesterday when you asked me about my trip to the beach.  Unfortunately it turned into a discussion about other issues – food, eating, weight, etc – and I felt that it was snowballing out of my control.  And I was disappointed and hurt that the relatively less important topic of the beach took so much time, and the, in my opinion, incredibly huge topic of “cancer” wasn’t even mentioned.  And you explained this by saying that you had the beach on your mind, so that is what you asked about.  I still don’t really understand that, but I appreciate your honesty.  You can’t read my mind and know what I think is important, and maybe vacations are more important to you than health but I can’t read your mind either.

So that is how I feel today.  Thank you, T.

Jul 8 2011

An Email To My T

I saw pdoc yesterday and had a good visit with her. She is easy to talk to, maybe because she asks me questions and I don’t have to figure out what to talk about. I did talk to her about going off of the birth control pills and starting hormone replacement therapy, and she told me what to ask my gynecologist. I also told her about the other medical stuff – the lab results coming out abnormal and how I am googling medical conditions. She told me not to do that. I also told her that I am only taking .5mg of klonopin at night. I had been telling her all along that I was taking 1mg, which is a lie. Telling her I take .5mg is a lie too, because I only take .25mg. But I was starting to feel badly about lying.

Things with my cousin L haven’t been going too well lately. She is not feeling well at all, her memory is a mess from ect, and her mother, my aunt, has decided that she is not coming down here anymore because she says L is too dependent on her. She feels that she needs tough love. So now the care and transportation of L is up to me and L’s boyfriend (who I’m not sure is really her boyfriend, because they broke up a few months ago, but L doesn’t really remember that).

I didn’t have therapy this week because J is on vacation, but if I did have a session this is what I would have talked about. I am writing J an email, but I’m not going to send it.

Dear J,

My cousin L has not been responding well to the ect, and is feeling extremely depressed. She cannot be alone, and she can’t drive herself to ect, or take a cab or a medical transport service. So for the last couple of weeks her boyfriend Nate and I have been taking her to the hospital for ect. I stay overnight at her house because we have to leave before 6am. Both Nate and I work, and we have either been taking time off, or coming in late for work.

L’s mother, Aunt M, told me a couple of days ago that she is not coming down here anymore because L is too dependent on her and she needs to start doing things for herself. L’s memory is a mess right now, she can’t even remember her address. But Aunt M feels that she should get out, go shopping, maybe even get a volunteer job. But all L does is stay home in the dark, sleeping and watching tv.

A couple of weeks ago Aunt M emailed me that she wanted L to come home to live with her for a while. I started to think this was a good idea and when I mentioned it to Aunt M she replied, “What will she do here? Sleep all day in my house?” I reminded her that she wrote in the email that she has a lot of friends around who can help out, that L’s brother lives there with his wife and three year old daughter, and they can help out, and there is a good hospital that does ect and has an outpatient program. I thought it would be good for L to be around more people, to have friends and family to support her. I am the only family she has here.

But Aunt M decided she has had enough. She even said that if L is suffering that much perhaps it would be best for her if she would die in her sleep.

I was quite flabbergasted by her attitude. She said that she has been talking about it with her therapist and she decided this would be best for her. L needs to take care of herself. This was all very upsetting to me, first that she would abandon her daughter, and second that she would leave me with this huge responsibility.

Remember Aunt M has a sister – Aunt H. Aunt H and I are very close, but the two sisters have a rocky relationship. I told Aunt H about this whole conversation with Aunt M, and she was livid. She is very opinionated, and didn’t hesitate to share her opinion of the situation with me. Of course, lots of stuff from the past came up again, every time there is an altercation it brings up things that happened 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Aunt H wanted me to write an email to Aunt M telling her that I have a job and I cannot commit to taking care of L, and that her lack of support is going to have serious repercussions. Aunt M likes to put all of the blame for L’s problems on her father, who is also not supportive. But Aunt M is no better, and she won’t take any responsibility for her own actions.

So to placate Aunt H, and also to get my feelings out, I wrote an email to Aunt M, but didn’t send it to her. I sent a copy to Aunt H and she thought it was great. This morning she asked if I had heard back from Aunt M yet, and I told her that I didn’t even send the email yet. But later in the day I talked to L’s boyfriend Nate, and I was getting angrier and angrier at Aunt M. She never liked Nate, she never thought he was good enough for her daughter. But now she thinks he is an angel, she says her opinion about him has totally changed. He has been taking care of her daughter, so of course she likes him now. He postponed starting a new job for 2 weeks so that he could take L to ect. He sleeps at L’s house, he goes over there right after work every day. He said he hasn’t been home at all for 4 days and he is getting to the end of his rope.

He said that Aunt M expects him to take care of L, she is always texting him to see how L is doing, and she gets annoyed when he doesn’t spend enough time there taking care of her. I was getting very angry about the whole situation with Aunt M, and so I sent the email. I told Aunt H that I had sent it, and she said I am a very strong person, and it is good that I took the night to sleep on it. Frankly I think she manipulated me into sending it, but ultimately it was my choice. I am not very good about saying no, it’s one of things I need to work on. You know, I always have to do what everybody else wants because I don’t think I am good enough.

Now Aunt H is checking with me about every hour to see if Aunt M has responded to my email yet. She has not, and she probably needs to check with her therapist before she can figure out what to say to me.

And I told Nate that I would spend the weekend with L so that he could have a break. I wish my cousin would come to my house, that way at least I can get some things done. I hate the thought of sitting around her house while she sleeps and watches tv. I am going to have to try to get her out of the house – out to eat, to shop, to a movie, anything. I am just feeling the weight of a lot of responsibility right now – to my cousin, to my Aunt H, to my Aunt M, and of course to my job and family. I would do anything for my cousin, as you know. Aunt M and I didn’t have a relationship for many many years, and it doesn’t bother me a bit if she is angry and never wants to speak to me again frankly. But I don’t want L to get upset about this.

L still doesn’t know that her mother has decided not to come down any more. I think it will be devastating to her. Her father wouldn’t let her come stay with him in Florida when she asked him in December, and now her mother is rejecting her as well, in the name of tough love of course.

Also a few weeks ago Aunt M, L and I went out to dinner. Aunt M said to me, “I want to tell you something about your father, but I don’t want you to get upset.” That’s a great way to start a conversation. I started out upset after she said that. And what she told me about my father did get me upset, and it had nothing to do with anything that is going on today, it was about something that happened in 1992. My father is dead, there was absolutely no reason for her to tell me this other than to convince me that she is not a bad person. So I am upset about that. About her telling me this and trying to manipulate me. She didn’t speak for me for over 10 years, and now she wants to be my best friend and she tells me she loves me so much. Why? Because I am here taking care of her daughter so she doesn’t have to.

OK, that is enough. Just writing this I feel myself getting angry and resentful, and the most important thing is to take care of my cousin and get her well, not to dwell on the past or deal with people who are bad for me.

If I had a session this week, that is what I would have talked about.