Harriet M. Welch

A friend was telling me that her daughter is going on a weeklong mission trip to North Carolina with the local Methodist church. I told her it sounds like the people who I met in Gulfport, Mississippi when I went there for Habitat for Humanity. She asked me who I went with and I told her I went alone. She said, “That is just amazing! That you wanted to do something and you just went all by yourself!” People say this sort of thing all the time. I know they really do think it is amazing, and unusual, and that I am “the most independent person they have ever met in their entire lives.” I don’t feel it though. I feel that I am doing these things to isolate myself, or to run away from problems, or because I am searching for something and I don’t know what it is.

On August 1st it will be one year since I started on the crisis hotline. I made a one year commitment and I am trying to decide whether or not to continue. The main factor in this decision is that I got this new job in February and it is working out to be about 25 hours a week. Plus 5 hours for my other job, and another 5 or so per week seeing my foster child. So there isn’t a lot of time left over. Selfishly I also really want a day in my week when I don’t have to set my alarm clock. During the work week I get up at 6:30, Saturdays I get up at 5:30 or 6:00 to run, and Sundays I get up at 7:00 to get to the hotline. Then I was thinking of switching to another shift, but the weekdays are so busy already. I enjoy the hotline, even though I don’t really feel like I am doing much. I will have to think about this some more during the next month.

Yesterday I was having a pretty nice day. Got up really early, went for an 11 mile run down to the zoo. Then my running group went to a coffee shop and I sat with another woman who I have been running with for the last 3 weeks or so. She has a son somewhat like my son, and she is divorced, so she is interesting to talk to and we have some things in common. I actually worked with her when I was a substitute teacher, but I didn’t know her well. Then I came home, and spent the day at the pool. Swam, and read, and napped. Talked to people who came and went. Around 6PM I went home to shower and change so that my husband, son and I could go out to dinner.

I went into the bathroom. Noticed there was no toilet paper on the roll. Got annoyed. How hard is it for whoever uses up the paper to replace it? There is plenty more under the sink, you don’t even have to move to get it. So I replaced the paper. Went to the bathroom (sorry for too much information), flushed the toilet. Turns out the toilet was clogged by the last person who used it and now the water is overflowing all over the bathroom floor. I grabbed the towels and threw them on the floor. Not enough. Ran into the kids’ bathroom and grabbed all the towels there (they have tons of them since they never bring them down to the laundry room, just keep taking new ones), and ran back to my bathroom to throw them on the floor. Ran back to the kids’ bathroom to get the plunger and run back to my bathroom to plunge the toilet, which takes all of 3 seconds.

Now I have an unclogged toilet, but the floor is full of sopping wet towels and rugs. I take the plunger back to the kids’ bathroom, throw it across the room, and slam the door. Go into the linen closet to get a clean towel for me and slam the door. My son asks what is wrong. I ignore him. My husband comes upstairs and asks what is wrong. I scream at him, “Someone left the toilet clogged and now I am the one cleaning up the mess.” He says nothing, turns around, and leaves.

This same exact thing had happened a couple of weeks ago. After that time my husband went to the linen closet because I had used all of the towels in the bathroom to soak up the water, and he got himself a fresh towel. Didn’t bring one in for me though. I said to him at the time, “I see you got yourself a clean towel, but didn’t get me one.” No response. So this time I got myself a clean towel and didn’t get him one.

I piled all of the wet towels and rugs into a laundry basket and it was outside the bathroom door while I showered and changed. My husband came upstairs to change his clothes. Walked right by the basket full of wet towels into the closet to change. Walked right by the basket of wet towels to go back downstairs.

I am feeling rage. I get these feelings of fury, of rage, and lately they have been happening more often. It happens when people in my family do things like leave me a big mess to clean up, act like I am the maid, pretend they are stupid and don’t know how to do anything, don’t admit they made the mess, etc. I guess they are making me feel devalued, and my response is rage.

Sometimes it gets really bad and I throw things. I used to do this a lot when my kids were little and there is a lot of shame there. My little kids would see me have terrible tantrums and throw and break things. I don’t do it as often now, but I still feel the rage. It is horrible. A couple of weeks ago I broke a bottle while in a rage (cleaning up a mess my daughter left), and picked up a piece of the broken glass and slashed my arm with it.

I can’t even write about this anymore. I’m still doing the damn laundry for the towels and rugs from the overflowed toilet. And I am still furious at my husband.

Tags: anger, family, hotline, husband

Yesterday we had breakfast and got our assignments for where we would be working. The group of 10 (everyone besides me!) got sent to a job site where there are two houses being built next to each other, about 20 miles away. I got sent to a different job site 17 miles in the opposite direction. I was supposed to go with a guy named Gabriel, but no one knew who he was and he isn’t staying here. I was disappointed about being by myself, but I asked if maybe later in the week I could join the group and the supervisor said she would check.

So I was packing up all of my stuff – food, ice water, etc – and a few minutes later one of the women from the group came up to me and said that I would be joining her group and working with them for the week. She talked to the supervisor and asked to have me join them. I was so happy and relieved! Especially when I found out that the house that I was originally supposed to be working on was on 10′ stilts. I thought it was so thoughtful of her to do that for me.

So I spent the day with them, we drove over together, all 11 of us in two minivans. At the job site five of us went to one house and the other six to the other house. We spent the day framing and by the end of the day three walls were up and a bunch of the interior walls as well. I did so much hammering, my arms were sore and my thumb was blue from hammering it about 5 too many times.

Last night after dinner five of us went out for a few drinks. Did I mention this is a church group, and one of the women in the group is the minister? She is very cool. She drank three beers. Every night she says, “Are we going out for a nightcap?” I’ve been learning about the Methodist religion. Last night we had some good talks, I’ll have to write about them. She has a tattoo also – it’s a fish on her ankle.

They have asked me why I am here alone, and I told them. I am now an honorary Methodist I guess.

Today we went back to the job site and we caulked all morning, then put up the sheeting which involved a lot more hammering. Ouch! My legs are sore too from squatting and kneeling and getting up and down. Construction uses muscles that I don’t normally use.

So I mentioned that I sent J an email asking him to leave me a voice mail if he had time. Yesterday morning he did do that. I was actually so anxious about starting construction that I forgot I asked him and I didn’t check my phone until lunch. Then there it was. It was a really nice message, he talked for one minute and 47 seconds. He told me that what I am doing is important and it doesn’t matter if I am the only one here or if there are 5000 people here. What I came for is to volunteer and to build houses and make a difference and I am doing that. I did also come to meet people though, people who have the same interests and values that I have. But I guess that is secondary. And as it turns out I have met 10 great people.

The minister gives the group a daily devotion, which is a part of a prayer and some quotes and questions to think about. I was asking about it today and she read me today’s installment. It was about caring for people, offering encouragement to people and accepting encouragement from people, and forming new relationships. I have to ask her for a copy of it. It seemed so appropriate for what I am doing here and the new friendships I am making. I told the group I’d be coming to their church one day, but that I work on the crisis hotline on Sunday mornings so I would have to take a day off. Their service doesn’t start until 11am – that’s my kind of church all right. I don’t know, maybe I will go to their church one day. I’ve never been to a Christian service, except the Catholic version, so it could be interesting.

Tags: friends, mississippi, relationships, volunteer

I couldn’t believe it after J’s email on Friday which said, “Hopefully we can discuss this further on Tuesday” (referring to our email conversation about my inability to communicate leading to people misunderstanding me), but he opened our session by asking, “What are we talking about today?”

I said, “Whatever.”

He said, “So I don’t get you.” OK, so I guess he did remember the email. Why he has to play that game at the beginning, I don’t understand.

We talked about why I felt he didn’t understand me at the last session, how he asked at the very end if I wanted to send the email I was planning to send to the woman I work for to him first. I told him that negated our whole conversation because my problem wasn’t writing the email to her, it was sending it. He tried to explain that he didn’t want me to send it to him so that he could proofread it, but to give me encouragement to send it. Whatever.

Then I told him that I actually did not send her the email saying that I couldn’t work for her. That I sent her an email saying that I could work for her, and it was his fault. Because I didn’t want to do what he told me to do. He didn’t understand that. He was saying, “Well, you didn’t want to work for her and I was just helping you tell her that.” I know that. The reason I didn’t want to do what he told me to do was because I was angry that he didn’t understand me during the session. I can’t remember if I told him that or not.

Then I told him that if I sent her the email saying I couldn’t work for her she might find someone else and then I would discover that I’m replaceable and I’d be a nobody. He went into a long thing about how we are all replaceable. He did a lot of logicalizing. Then he tried to get me to see that I am irreplaceable to my kids, husband, family and friends, but I don’t really see that. Although when my father died and my mother remarried I remember telling people that you can’t replace a parent, but you can replace a spouse. Wonder why that doesn’t apply to me.

I told him about Jamie Oliver and how his experiments with the school children in West Virginia kept failing, but he didn’t see it as a reflection of himself, and he just kept on trying, where I would have quit. And how I’m so selfish, unlike Jamie Oliver. J went into a whole thing about selfish vs unselfish and how everyone is somewhat selfish, even Barak Obama and his health care reform (huh?). He said he doesn’t think I’m selfish.

I told him how I almost quit the hotline and the events that transpired there, and how it was selfish of me to quit because of negative feedback. That led to him concluding that my feelings of self-worth come from external points of view – things other people say about me, and things other people do. I think that is fairly obvious, and I believe he realized this months and months ago, but obviously I have not made much progress here.

Then I said, “Like when you forgot to answer my email last week – that made me feel worthless.” He asked me how many times we have emailed each other. I don’t know, a lot. I told him the good email exchanges don’t count; forgetting me once is what I focus on. He said he had no excuse for not emailing me. Thanks a lot. I don’t want him to lie, but that would have been a perfect time for him to make up an excuse – his kid was sick, he had a lot to do because he was going out of town, etc. Because he had no excuse for forgetting to email me I can only come to one conclusion – I am totally forgettable. Worthless.

He asked me how much my feeling of worthlessness improved after he did eventually respond, and I said, “ZERO.” He asked me how much I thought this feeling should have improved, and I said, “Lots of things should happen in this world – there should be peace on earth, children shouldn’t be starving in Africa.” And then it was time to go. Bye.

Tags: email, family, hotline

Yesterday morning I got a call from one of the other supervisors on the hotline. The supervisor who had left me the negative feedback (Supervisor #3) forwarded my email to the main supervisor (Supervisor #1) who forwarded it to Supervisor #2. I really like #2, well I like #1 also, but she is mostly involved with funding and grants and administrative stuff and doesn’t spend too much time with hotline volunteers, although it was she and #2 who did our training. #2’s office is right next to the hotline room and she has to walk through the room to get to and from her office, so I see her and talk to her the most.

#2 has heard me over the past few weeks saying that I thought feedback from #3 wasn’t productive or I don’t understand it or it is sarcastic. For example last month I got a call from a woman who was upset because she called her sister in another state for her birthday. The sister has Alzheimer’s and was arguing with the caller saying it wasn’t her birthday. Naturally the caller was distraught at her sister being in such a condition – she was sad, anxious, and angry. We had a good call and I wrote up the report. The feedback said something like, “Look at the bright side! She never has to have an excuse for forgetting her sister’s birthday or forgetting to send a gift!” To me this feedback perfectly represents #3 and the type of person he is. He is full of himself, very sarcastic, and thinks he is just a riot. How is this feedback helpful to a volunteer? I’m all for humor and I do have a sarcastic side to me but I felt a lot of empathy towards this caller and I don’t want anyone making fun of her or the situation. But again, I’m not sure if this is because I am too sensitive.

So #2 read the email I sent to #3 and said she read the report and feedback in question and she agreed that the feedback was not appropriate, but #3 did say that he misread the report and he was very sorry. #2 told me that my report was just fine. She said that #3 feels really badly about the situation, which surprised me so much. I can’t imagine him feeling bad about this, and now I feel bad that I made him feel bad. #2 told me that I am doing a great job on the hotline, if I wasn’t she wouldn’t have asked me to take on extra shifts or to help with training new volunteers. She also said that if I want to continue on the hotline that she would do all of my feedback from now on.

I was really touched by her offer and I told her that I really enjoy the hotline, that I feel I do help some people and it seems silly to allow negative feedback to stop me from continuing with the job. I told her that I would appreciate her doing my feedback, that would make me feel better. I didn’t tell her, and I should, that I still want her to be honest in my feedback though. Just perhaps in a more constructive way than #3 gives feedback.

I hate to be one of those people that throws tantrums and quits and then when everyone begs her to stay she says, “OK, fine, if you insist.” There are people like that on forums all over the place and it drives me crazy. They just want some adoration, they never really intended to quit. I wonder if I’ve turned into one of those people.

I really do feel better though, knowing that #2 will be doing my feedback from now on.

Oh, and by the way, #3 is training to become a therapist. Yikes!

Tags: hotline

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was looking forward to going in to the Hotline, as I had to miss last week for the wedding. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but we have to write a report for each call that we take. We take calls on the county crisis hotline, as well as on the national suicide hotline, and we do different call reports depending on which line the person calls on. I was having trouble filling out the suicide hotline call reports because I was unsure of the procedure, and I was getting negative feedback on these call reports. We get feedback for each call that we take, there are three supervisors that give feedback, and it seems that most, if not all, of my negative feedback was from one particular supervisor.

A few weeks ago there was a volunteer meeting/training session and we were taught how to properly fill out call reports. It was such a relief to finally know how to do it right, and the very next time I was on the hotline I got a call on the suicide line and I was confident that I filled out the report correctly. But yesterday when I went in and checked my feedback it was once again negative. I was pretty disappointed. I mentioned twice in the report that the caller did not have a plan, but the supervisor asked me why I didn’t mention in the report if he had a plan. I wrote that he had a doctor who prescribed his meds and that we discussed visiting his doctor and we went over what he would say to his doctor, but my feedback asked me what resources I gave to the caller. The feedback also said that I didn’t mention what level I thought the caller was at; even though I did mention at least twice that the caller did not want to commit suicide. And finally the feedback stated that although my report was detailed, it was missing a lot of important information.

I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to communicate to the supervisor all of the information that he needed. Once again I was reminded of how I suck at communication, and that maybe I just shouldn’t be doing this job. It’s obviously not working out, I’m not good enough. I wrote him an email stating that I’m thinking of quitting, I just can’t do it right, and outlining the feedback he gave me. He did reply by email shortly afterwards, and he actually said that he read my report wrong, that I did state that the caller had no plan. But he said I should have given the caller resources in case he can’t afford his doctor or if he has no insurance (the caller never mentioned this, and I seemed sure that he was going to see his doctor, but I guess I should never assume). And he said I needed to state what level I thought the caller was at because I didn’t explain his negative thoughts (I thought I actually did do that in the report – saying that he had obsessive thoughts in his head about killing himself, even though he didn’t really want to). But he said that he reads up to 30 call reports a day, and he gets tired, and sometimes he misreads reports. He apologized and said he would hate to see me quit because of my feedback on a call. He said we should talk by phone or in person if I want to.

Now I wouldn’t quit just because of one negative feedback, but I seem to be getting a lot of negative feedback. To be honest, I do get positive feedback as well, but I ignore that. I only focus on the negative. I just don’t know what to do. On the one hand I enjoy the hotline, on the other hand maybe I’m too sensitive and I can’t handle criticism. I know that even feedback that isn’t meant to be criticism I am taking as criticism. Is it worth it?

Then I start to think how selfish I am. I should be doing this because I want to help people, and stop thinking about myself so much. I think I am helpful to people on the hotline, not everyone, but I know that some callers have called back and asked for me, so I must be doing something for them. Isn’t that why I signed up to do this – to help people? I just feel really selfish, like I’m doing it to make myself feel good instead of to help other people feel better.

I was watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution last night. I really like him, I liked him when he was just a regular chef on tv, wearing a hat cooking outside. Now I really admire him. He was having a tough time on the show this week, his experiments were failing and the kids just wanted to eat more and more junk. The administrators were getting fed up with him. But he really has a passion for wanting to help people, and he didn’t take any of this personally. He never thought, “I’m a loser, I’m worthless, I can’t help them.” He never internalized any of his failures – he never thought of himself as a failure, just that his experiments failed. And he felt this was due to external forces – society, the government, others’ preconceived notions. And he just regrouped and continued on. How do people do that?

I woke up with a terrible headache this morning, did a lot of crying yesterday. Feeling worthless. Even my T forgot to email me back last week, that’s how unworthy I am. If I wasn’t paying him I wouldn’t even be worthy enough to sit in the same room with him. Yikes, I’m going to go for a long walk and clear my head.

Tags: hotline, negative thoughts, shame

When I got to therapy today J said, “What are we talking about today?” I told him that he wasn’t playing fair, that last week I had two things to talk about, but he wanted to talk about my new job so we did. He said that we should talk about what I want to talk about, not what he wants to talk about and if I had something to talk about I should have said, “I don’t want to talk about xyz, I want to talk about abc.” I told him I can’t do that. He said that he invites me to do that. I said thank you for the invitation.

So he suggested that I talk about those two things from last week, and after hemming and hawing about it I did. First I mentioned the background check for my new job and how he asked me about that. He had asked two weeks ago what would happen if my new boss found something in my background, which I knew he wouldn’t since there was nothing to be found. But I knew that J was convicted of a crime and I wasn’t sure if he was asking about me or him. I told him that I knew about the crime and I never felt badly about knowing since it is public knowledge (in my state we can search on a particular website to see if anyone has committed a crime, or even if they are involved in anything court related like a divorce, or a speeding ticket). But I did feel bad after our session two weeks ago because I felt like I should have told him that I knew. And when he asked me about it I felt like he was asking me to tell him that I knew about his record. I told him that it certainly didn’t matter to me (it was 15 years ago and wasn’t a crime that would affect anything about therapy) and it was none of my business which is why I never told him that I knew.

He said that he didn’t mind me knowing, he knows it is public knowledge, it was a long time ago. He did say something interesting though, he said that because of that incident he chose this career path. I know that he was in pharmacy school, and maybe a person with a criminal record can’t become a pharmacist. But they can become a psychologist!

So we talked about that a little, and how maybe I felt guilty about knowing this information and how I felt he was testing me. He threw out a guess that maybe because I was worried about how he would react when he found out I saw another T, and maybe that was related. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting theory.

Then I brought up the second issue, the topic of my son, and how when I went to see him 3 years ago about my son he helped me with a behavioral plan and we didn’t go into feelings at all, but this time when I wanted help with my son it was all about feelings and it turned into a big awful mess with me wanting to kill myself. He said things are different now and he can’t work on my problems without the feeling part. I still don’t get that though. So I asked him if I should see someone different specifically for my son’s problem, someone who is more objective. He went over to his computer to look up people and while he was doing that we talked more about it. He talked about me wanting someone to just tell me what to do about my son, and I said, yes, that is exactly what I want. While he was talking I just asked him, “Why can’t you do that?” So he threw out some suggestions and they were really good, and it turns out he really can do it, although he did try to get me to see that it is somewhat about the feelings as well.

I told him that when I was feeling really bad last month I called a hotline. That it wasn’t my hotline, and I wanted to see what it would be like to call them. I told him that the woman I talked to said something really good – that whatever I did in the last 19 years with my son doesn’t matter right now, that I should start from where I am right now. J said that he was watching Apollo 13 this weekend and there was a part of the movie with an explosion and everyone was arguing over who caused the explosion. Someone said it didn’t do any good to bicker over who caused it; they just needed to fix the damage and get back.

We talked about different things I could do with my son, and we went over the list I had made last month about things I do for my son, things that could be taken away or used as barters or bribes to get my son to do things. J said that if my son was 5 or 12 or 35 it would be much easier, but he is almost 20 and it’s a really difficult age. But he came up with a couple of things that could really work, and it gives me hope that maybe J can do this for me, and that I can do the things that he suggests.

I told him that I was afraid of slipping back into the way I felt last month after talking about my son, and he said we would just have to be careful. After acknowledging this, at one point he asked me, “So what makes you a good parent?” And I said, “I’m not necessarily a good parent. But I am not talking about that.” Hello? That is exactly the type of thing that sends me into a spiral down the rabbit hole. He said that was fine, but he just wanted to point out that I could have said that I give my kids three meals a day, and take them to activities, and make them go to school, etc. But instead my first reaction is that I am not a good parent. Yes, I know that. But I don’t want to go there right now.

So in the end I did talk about my two topics that I had ready for last week, and we did figure out a way for J to help me with my son, without talking too much about feelings for my sake, and with talking a little about feelings for his sake. It was good.

Tags: feelings, hotline, parenting, son

Yesterday I went to see J. I curled up in a ball on his couch and refused to look at him. This is very unusual for me, normally I make eye contact continuously as it is the only way I know what he is thinking and feeling. But yesterday I didn’t care.

J did touch briefly on how suicidal I was last week. I told him that I had a lot of pills at home and I didn’t want to commit suicide by od-ing so I didn’t go home. He said, “So you had the urge, but you talked yourself out of it?”

We talked about my son and how it makes me feel. He tried to get me to see that I am angry and frustrated, but I wouldn’t go there. He tried to convince me that if I don’t see that what my son is doing is unfair then I won’t be able to have leverage in implementing consequences. I tried to argue with him about why change needs to be based on negatives rather than just out of my desire to help him become more independent.

J contradicted himself by starting out saying we need to deal with the feelings and then later on saying that he is trying to help me with the here and now situation of my son, but I went down another road and made it about me. I asked him if I did that and he said that perhaps we did that, and I said, “No you did that. You gave me an assignment that made it out about me rather than my son.”

He asked me why we started talking about my son to begin with and I told him that a couple of weeks ago I said that I wasn’t doing well due to some stressors in my life and he wanted to hear about the big ones, not the garden variety ones (his words) so I mentioned that I had a goal that I was going to do something about my son by the end of January and I never did. He tried to get me to say that I brought up the topic of my son because I want help with it, but now I’m turning it into an issue about me.

One thing I really liked about the session was the moments of quiet. We have never had those before. Usually J fills in all of the silences with stories. He only told two stories yesterday, one about his neighbors and their 19 year old son, and one about the clients he had to send to the collection agency recently. But there were definitely long moments of silence, and it was so nice. Maybe if we had been having those all along I would have felt safer in the office, like there is less pressure on me to fill in the space, even though it is him that is always filling the space.

I realize that it might have been the last time I see J, so I think I’m taking everything he said and making it negative so that I end up being angry at him, and even hating him. It will make the end easier. I told him I’m not coming in next week, and he asked me if he would see me in 2 weeks. I said he would.

I called a hotline last night. Not my hotline of course, but one in a neighboring county that I heard was good. And it was good. I talked about my son and the counselor was really helpful. One thing she said that was so helpful was, “Right now the mistakes you may have made in raising your son don’t matter, right now what matters is finding a solution and moving on.” We talked for 22 minutes, and I actually cried a lot on the phone, something I never do in J’s office.

Do you think it’s possible that there is an unlimited number of tears in the human body? How is it possible that they never dry up? I’ve got a lot of suicidal ideation again. I’m cleaning the house, that’s not a good thing. I haven’t run in three days, and that’s not a good thing either.

Tags: feelings, hotline, son, suicide

I did send J the email I wrote, slightly more edited than I had written it here. He sent me back a long email yesterday morning in which he brought up some very good ideas for discussion. I sent him back an email asking for clarification of some of things that he had written, and asking for more of his opinions about the issues. He did seem to be encouraging me to talk to him as well as to write to him about all of this, so I’m doing that.

I again want to thank everyone who has sent me their email addresses, cell phone numbers, Blackberry PINs, etc. It means more to me than you will ever know. And a special thank you to Grace for helping me to push the send button on the email, and for helping me to interpret J’s email back to me. I am not very adept at looking at things from an objective point of view. Everything I hear or read or see screams out to me “You are a failure! You are stupid!” But that is just me, and sometimes I need someone to help me see that.

Yesterday morning I got my car serviced. When it was done they gave me a call so I went to the check out desk and Ben, my car service representative, told me that they had accidentally put the wrong oil in the car (I like synthetic and they used regular) so they pulled the car back into the shop to empty out the oil and replace it. I wasn’t too happy about that, not because it wasn’t the oil I asked for, I can certainly live with non-synthetic oil for a few months, but because I was concerned about the oil waste. I mentioned that to him and he said it was still clean oil, so maybe they can use it again for someone else? While I mulled that over, a young man came over to the desk and said that his Prius battery had died and he needed a jump start. They told him to wait in the lounge. I went into the lounge also and sat across from him.

This man seemed to have some type of developmental disorder and we got to chatting. He was quite nice and told me that he is 38 years old has Asperger’s Syndrome and asked if I’d ever heard of it. I told him that my sister’s son has Asperger’s. We talked for a while and I asked him questions about his life. He lives in his own apartment, works at the grocery store once a week, and for a doctor a couple of other days, doing some sort of driving responsibilities. He said he has a friend who also works at the grocery store and she is very nice to him. She calls him every day to be sure he is ok, and he wanted to know if a box of candy and a card would be an appropriate gift to give her for Valentine’s day. He told me that he had a bad “stalkerish” experience in his life at a previous grocery store and he asked many questions about what is appropriate and what isn’t. I told him that candy and a card is always a welcome gift.

I asked him if he is lonely, and he said that he is. I told him about the crisis hotline and that he should call if he ever needs someone to talk to. I explained to him that many people who call are not in crisis, despite the name, and are feeling down, or need support, or just company.

He got up to leave to get to his car, which someone was going to start. There was another woman sitting nearby and she said that I seemed to be so nice to this young man. She didn’t know what Asperger’s Syndrome is, so I explained it to her and pointed out things he said and how he behaved which were definitely clues to the disorder. We also talked about how when people don’t understand Asperger’s or Autism spectrum disorders in general they might feel fearful when approached by someone like this man. I have a feeling that must be what happened to him at the grocery store. He was such a nice guy, and so open about himself, and yet there were definite boundary problems that were quite apparent.

I came home and made up some business cards on my computer with the phone numbers of our county crisis hotline, youth crisis hotline, and suicide lifeline. Now if I ever meet anyone in any kind of distress I can give them the phone numbers so that they can call.

If it hadn’t been for the wrong oil being put in my car I never would have had this really great opportunity to connect to someone. Must have been fate.

Tags: connection, email, friends, hotline, negative thoughts

It was really bad today. I actually wasn’t very anxious yesterday or this morning like I usually am before therapy, because of the email I sent J last week. I knew there was enough material in there to take us through at least two or three sessions, so I was off the hook as to coming up with something to talk about. But when I got there he asked me “What are we talking about?” I mentioned the email. I can’t remember what he said, but he blew that off. Softened the blow by telling me again that it was perfect. But no talking about the email today! Too bad for you!

Remember how I wrote a couple of days ago about not being resilient? This is another example. When I have something planned out and I’m expecting it to be a certain way, and then it doesn’t go that way, I’m floundering. I can’t regroup and go the new way. So for the next 45 minutes I was not all there. I know I definitely zoned out a few times – it’s amazing how easily that happens in therapy. It never happens in real life. Plus somehow we got onto one of my least favorite subjects – weight and eating. Combined with another of my least favorite subjects – putting myself down and not thinking positive thoughts about myself.

I don’t really remember much of what was said, except that I need to think more positive things about myself, which I don’t know how to do, and not focus so much on the negative things. I know I used the phrase “going to hell in a handbasket” which I can honestly say that I have never said before in my life and I don’t even know what it means. Microsoft doesn’t even think handbasket is a word.

I wish I could have a do-over.

J said he thought he would have gotten an email from me with my blog address. Oh yeah, like that is an easy decision to make. But I think I’ll give it to him, what the hell. I made some old blog entries password protected, and I’m not sure what I’ll do about future ones, but I’ll figure that out when it happens. And if it’s a disaster I’ll just start a new blog, although I’ll miss Harriet. I think this deserves two pairs of shoes, since I never did buy shoes after my dentist appointment last week when I found out I’m not a perfect patient.

I wish I knew the name for the feeling I get after therapy sessions like this. I’ve gotten this feeling many times in the past year, usually when talking about body image, or finding positive things about myself, or maybe when a session doesn’t go the way I’d like it to, or if it’s something we’ve talked about so many times before without the issue ever getting better. I have my list of feelings words and it’s kind of a combination of:

Upset
Disappointed
Discouraged
Perplexed
Distrustful
Uneasy
Alone
Useless
Frustrated
Dejected

Is there a word for all of that? Maybe fucked up would do. That’s how I felt today. When I left I felt that feeling and I drove around, then had lunch, then walked around, went into Barnes and Noble but couldn’t concentrate on anything, walked around some more, bought cupcakes for my kids at a bakery and came home. Sandra Lee was calling my name. Remember I went through that Apple-tini phase until I ran out of Apple Brandy? Now I have another Sandra Lee recipe using tequila, pomegranate juice and lime juice. Pom juice is really healthy.

And I’ve been thinking about the 16 year old who called the Lifeline on Sunday and told me that he is being picked on at school because he’s gay. That really sucks. We talked for a while and I think he decided to talk to his guidance counselor because he said he trusts her. He lives with his dad who doesn’t know he’s gay, and he doesn’t have a relationship with his mom. I asked him what he does at lunch, and he said he sits alone. Every day. How can no one care about this kid?

I was listening to John Prine in the car earlier. I like these lyrics:

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

Yep, it’s a hard way to go. And tomorrow is the 13th – four more months until my birthday.

Tags: anxiety, blog, body image, drinking, eating, feelings, hotline, negative thoughts, weight

A bad night’s sleep again last night. Is it too much to expect to sleep well two nights in a row? The dog threw up again. I think the treats I got her must be disagreeing with her sensitive stomach. Then she was crying to go out and I had to have a talk with her to let her know that it is the middle of the night and she can’t go out. Then she was crying for water, so I got up to fill her water bowl. Then at 6AM my shoulder started dislocating (I think I’ve mentioned my dislocating shoulders before haven’t I? It’s a common occurrence while I’m sleeping) and I woke up suddenly clutching my arm. Not sure exactly of the order of events, but I felt it slipping out of alignment and managed to grab it and put it back together, and woke up somewhere along the line. It’s not a good way to wake up. But the pain only lasts a few minutes and then I was able to go back to sleep until my alarm went off. I’m the only person I know who has to get up earlier on weekend days than on weekdays, but Sunday mornings I work on the hotline.

And I left the dog vomit for my husband to clean up – and he actually did it! He’s the man.

Remember a few weeks ago I wrote that I had a caller who affected me a little too much emotionally and I cried on the phone while I was talking to her (she didn’t know I was crying, it was the silent kind). Well, I have talked to her since then and I was fine. I haven’t cried while talking to anyone else since that day, so I’m feeling more confident again.

I’ve been thinking about love, and how many people I love and who loves me. Have you ever thought about how many people love you? How many people tell you that they love you? I tell my kids that I love them, and they usually respond by telling me they love me. My husband tells me he loves me, but only after we….well, you know. So there are strings attached. And last week the woman who has cleaned my house every week for the last three years gave me a big hug and said “I love you.” I didn’t really expect that, but it was nice. So that’s it, my kids when I say it first, my husband when…you know, and Maria. Well, I know my mother loves me, but she never says it. But I know she does.

Tags: hotline, husband, mother, sleep