Harriet M. Welch

On Friday, before the snow started, I sent J an email with my homework assignment. I was supposed to figure out what a parent’s responsibility is for their adult child. Basically what I said in the email was that I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to write about parents in general, or me specifically. If it was about me specifically, then I feel a lot of responsibility towards my son because of the things I didn’t do properly during his childhood. I gave him a link to a post on my blog where I wrote about my son and the difficulties he had academically, and what I tried to do for him, and how I ended up messing things up pretty badly. I also told him that he was welcome to read other posts on my blog about my son, but he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to.

Then I told him that thinking about this has brought up old bad feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I would rather focus on the problem. And don’t I have responsibilities for my daughter, my family, and myself? I told him that I just wanted to solve the problem without it being about me.

And I told him my son’s name.

And then I mentioned the insurance company difficulties, and how I am concerned that I had to lie to the insurance customer service woman, and now I am concerned that they will find out that I lied because of whatever paperwork J has to send in to them with my claims. And that was about it.

I wasn’t really expecting a reply, since I didn’t ask him anything, and this was just an assignment that he asked me to email to him, and the last time I emailed him he didn’t reply. I’m glad he didn’t send me back an email because I had enough to deal with over the weekend with the weather situation.

But this morning I did get an email from him saying that I bring up some good points and that this assignment was a prelude to coming up with a plan for my son. He said he would be happy to develop a plan but whatever he suggests would be just that – a suggestion, but he wanted to conceptualize my role first.

I felt really stupid once again when I read the email, and I was even more happy that he didn’t send it to me last week, because I would have been thinking about it all weekend and thinking about how I suck at therapy and here I am messing things up again. Of course he had a plan, why would I think he didn’t have a plan? And here I am saying I don’t want this to be about me, I just want suggestions for dealing with the problem and I don’t want to think about my feelings and all he was asking was for me to conceptualize my role in order to be able to make a plan.

And then he addressed the insurance issue – he said that he can handle it with minimal disclosure and he can show me what he submits to them. I don’t understand this at all, I really asked him if I could just pay him, and not deal with the insurance company at all. Why would he be opposed to that – maybe he thinks I don’t have the money to pay him and he’s afraid my check will bounce or something.

He didn’t say whether he read the blog post that I sent him the link for.

This morning I was talking to my husband about how I am “sharing” my friend’s personal trainer. We signed up for 12 sessions – which is 6 weeks – and he asked how much it was costing. I told him it was $55 per session, but it is a onetime thing, I’m only doing the 12 sessions and that is it. He said, “$100 a week???” OK, I guess that is a lot of money, but he has a gym membership that is $100 a month. Yes, that is $300 a month cheaper, but he has been going for a couple of years and I only want to do this for 12 sessions. After that I can do the workout on my own, or with my friend.

This afternoon, right after I got the email from J, my husband finally got around to asking how my workout went this morning, which I was surprised about since he never asks me how anything goes in my life. I told him that I had to pay the trainer the full amount in advance, so could he put $600 in my account. He got really pissed off and scowled and finally mumbled, “Fine.” Then I felt like a real piece of shit. Here I am using my family’s money to work out with a personal trainer 12 times, a real luxury, and how dare I do that? He plays golf all summer, which is expensive, and belongs to a gym, and my daughter has her own horse that we pay for board and lessons and horse shows, etc etc. And I want to spend $600 on a trainer and he gets pissed off. Just thinking about it is making me upset. I hate having to ask him for money.

I really want a new job. I’ve been answering job ads on Craig’s List, but no one ever gets back to me. I guess I have no marketable skills that anyone wants, and I have no way to make any money. The people that I normally work for haven’t been calling me because their workloads have dwindled lately, and they don’t want to spend the money on me. Or maybe they just don’t like me, who knows.

I just really feel like a worthless piece of garbage right now. And I have gained 5 pounds recently. It seems every day when I step on the scale there is another pound. I’m not sure if it is due to stopping the wellbutrin, or maybe I’m drinking more. I do keep track of all of my calories, but maybe I’ve been cheating too much. I really need to get my act together. I even bought some diet pills, but they don’t seem to do a thing. I certainly don’t feel any different or eat any less when I’m taking them. That was a waste.

This evening I got an email from the trainer asking, “How was today?” That was all he asked, and I started to read all kinds of things into it: He doesn’t want to work with me, he thinks I’m lazy, I complain too much, I’m not strong enough, I’m too fat, I’m too weak. I emailed him back asking, “I thought it was fine. Did you think it was ok? Did I complain too much?” He replied that I did fine and he wanted to be sure he was addressing my needs. Now I’m wondering what he really means, when maybe what he really means is what he really said. My mind is just totally spiraling out of control at this point.

Tomorrow is therapy and I get to go in there and feel like an idiot again. Isn’t therapy supposed to make me feel better about myself? When does that start happening?

Today is the day I was supposed to meet my mother, my sister, and my sister’s friend for lunch and shopping. My mother already backed out, and yesterday my sister said she can’t go either. So it’s just me and her friend, L. L is the one who gets messages from dead people. Other than that, I like her, and she is easy to be with. I really need to get out more, so it should be good. I also went out to lunch with another friend yesterday, and that went well. I think know I spend too much time inside of my own head. I also haven’t been working enough hours, I need to work more. Especially now that I’ll be paying full price for therapy. Hopefully therapy will end soon. How do you know when it’s over anyway? My t once said that he works with people for an average of 6 months, and I’ve been going way longer than that.

Thank you for all of the kind wishes about my father. Yeah, I miss him.

I ran along a different part of the river yesterday. It’s the part with the rapids and waterfalls and it is really dangerous. There is a bridge built over the wildest section and I stood on that for a while. The water was so crazy it was making me dizzy. Here is a photo, I didn’t take this, but it shows the intensity pretty well:

I saw four people carrying rafts down to the water – I can’t believe anyone would raft in that ferocious water. And the water must be incredibly cold too. It was even too intense for me, I would not want to die that way. Not peaceful at all.

I’ve been thinking about how the act of suicide affects those left behind. I know someone whose mother committed suicide when she was teenager, and I’ve been doing some reading. Apparently, and judging by this person I know who is pretty screwed up, suicide of a parent or loved one has a lasting impact on the survivors. What isn’t fair, though, is that these people don’t generally show appreciation or gratitude for the suicidal person when she is alive. But after she is gone they get all fucked up. I guess one can’t really expect the people in one’s life to be constantly reassuring them that they are needed and valued though, especially when that person acts like nothing is ever wrong.

I’ve been swinging wildly between believing 100% that J is lying to me, to believing 100% that he is telling the truth and that there is another explanation, to everywhere in the middle. This is not helpful, it is not doing me any good to think about this. I will never know the truth, even if I come right out and ask him, I still won’t know. So I have to make the decision as to whether I am going to move on regardless of the truth. The truth is a moot point right now.

It was not a great night. I called in sick to my PTA meeting. I hate those things anyway, but I am the Vice President, so I am kind of obligated to go. I ate a cupcake! Remember my cupcake post from back in the fall? I bought a cupcake at the cupcake bakery yesterday – salted caramel. There was a 3:2 ratio of frosting to cake – perfect. I ate it. Yes, I ate it in lieu of a real dinner, but I did eat it. I counted it as 500 calories. Second course was klonopin. Dessert was vodka. So many MalCopS (maladaptive coping strategies) in one night. Too many to mention.

What am I going to do about therapy? My goal was to continue until May. J doesn’t seem to think this is worth it. No, wait, he didn’t say that. He asked me if this is worth it. That is all he said, it’s me deciding that he believes it’s not worth it. Although I didn’t ask him if he thinks it is.

I realized at some point between last night and now, that what I have gotten from therapy thus far is awareness. I am more aware of how I think about things, about how I react, about how my sensitivity is me, and not necessarily other people trying to hurt me, about how I treat myself. I never used to be aware of those things, I guess I knew about them on a subconscious level, but now it’s conscious. I think this is part of the reason why therapy continues to be hard for me, now that I am aware of them I need to talk about them and figure out what to do about them. I have written so many times about making that leap from knowing something intellectually to really feeling it and believing it but not knowing how to do that. Is it better to continue to be in denial about the things that are making my life less than what I want it to be, or to be aware of the problems and yet still be unable to change them? If I continue in therapy will the point come where awareness becomes change?

Becoming aware of all of these issues was really hard, and reading my blog last year reconfirms that I was having some unpleasant periods of time. But I’m afraid that moving from awareness to change is going to be even more hard, because it will involve taking more and bigger risks. So maybe that is why I am currently stalled. I thought that writing that 2009 recap based on last year’s blog was kind of a eureka moment, but in actuality maybe it was a catalyst about to precipitate change. It wasn’t an end product, it is a beginning. And that scares me a lot. So last week when I went into my session expecting that we would talk about the email, and then we didn’t, maybe I didn’t push the issue because I really don’t want to talk about it. So I blamed J for blowing it off when maybe it was really me.

Update on Mr. IRS Seal (and thank you, Lissy, for providing him with that moniker, hopefully I won’t accidentally call him Mr. IRS Seal, or I will be very embarrassed!) I emailed him back and faked the whole professional I know what I’m doing thing and said I’d be happy to meet with him. He sent me back an email saying his week might be very busy, but he won’t know until Monday, and he went into more detail about the types of services he provides. I emailed him back saying he could just email me next week and we can schedule something. It seems kind of nebulous right now, which is fine.

I’m so glad email was invented. I hate talking on the phone and if I had to call him, I probably never would have. Apparently Ray Tomlinson invented email in 1971, so thank you Ray.

Today was my 10 mile run. I didn’t write about it this week because I’m sure you are all sick of hearing about it! I had originally thought it was supposed to be two weeks ago, but I looked at the schedule wrong. Then last week the run was canceled, and as our coach explained today it wasn’t necessarily because of the cold but the trail was covered with ice and snow from a brief snow we had last Friday, and it’s been so cold that it didn’t melt off. So today was the day. I had to get up at 5:30am because our run was at 7am and it takes me 45 minutes to get there. Yes, I drive 45 minutes to run, but it’s just once a week. And it’s a great place to run with great people so it’s worth it. I don’t think I could run these long distances alone.

So I woke up at 5am because I couldn’t sleep, and actually I also woke up at 4am, and I think I woke up at 1am too, but I could be confusing that with another night. It was a really nice morning and we got to see the sun rise over the river. There were 5 of us in my pace group and we talked the whole way which made the time and distance go pretty easily. Now I’m officially in the double digit club.

One of the women in my group today is training for an Ironman Triathlon, and she told me about a local sprint triathlon that has a swim portion that is only 250 meters and it’s in a pool. Then the 12 mile bike, and 5K run. I think I can do 250 meters, and being in a pool is much better than the ocean or a lake. Although last year the pool temperature was 68 degrees on the day of the race. Yikes!

I don’t know, it’s something to think about. It’s on Mother’s Day, three days after my birthday. I don’t want to plan that far ahead. I’ll be moving up to the next age group – and they write your age on the back of your calf. That’s kind of ego deflating, especially when the 65 or 70 year olds pass you. A pipe dream I guess.

My running club is planning a duathlon which is run – bike – run. That sounds more doable, but they haven’t figured out distances yet. For now I’m just thinking about my race in April, and then we’ll see.

So while I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep even though I had taken a klonopin (which I promise myself is a one time thing, I am not going back to the days of klonopin = sleeping pills since it took me 4 months to break that habit) I thought about what I was feeling yesterday. I think it goes like this:

Build up a little trust – take a risk – see what happens

If what happens is positive I get to take one baby step forward, like in mother may I.

If what happens is negative I get to take 10 giant steps backwards, plus even losing a turn.

Yes, the positive reinforcement has much less of an impact than the negative reinforcement. Maybe that’s why in a marriage 5 positives = 1 negative. (Look up Dr. John Gottman if you want to know more about that.)

Maybe in therapy 5 positives = 1 negative also.

I have difficulty with trust, and with making myself vulnerable. But I force myself to make disclosures every once in a while, and sometimes it ends up well and sometimes I’m left wondering what the hell I just did.

When I sent J the email about the recap of 2009, I took a big risk. I tried to make that letter as honest as possible. I know it was intense and it was long, and maybe I should have broken it down into smaller pieces over a longer period of time, but it was what I was thinking and feeling and I just wrote it all down. And J said it was great and perfect, but you know sometimes what people say and how they behave are different things.

We talked about the email last week, covering the section about having negative feelings about myself, and about the section in which I wrote that he doesn’t validate feelings. He said that didn’t bother him, but he mentioned that paragraph a couple of times, and of all the things to talk about from the email that’s the one he chose. Which is fine.

I also wrote in the email about:

My problems with communication and feeling misunderstood
Not seeing friends because of food issues
Being on the bell curve and being in the middle vs either end
Feeling different, not really knowing why I feel different, why am I different
Forgetting things I’ve done or said
Medication issues
The problem of intrusive thoughts

Yesterday I just thought perhaps there was more to talk about from that list of concerns. We did talk about food and eating which ties into #2 on that list, but isn’t exactly the same thing. I think what I’m feeling is that everything else besides negative thinking and feelings validation isn’t worth talking about. I don’t want to say I feel minimized because that implies I have some degree of importance, and I don’t think I have any more or less importance than anyone else (I probably feel I have less importance, but I’m working on getting over that.) So now I’ve taken 10 giant steps backwards, and I guess I’ll be losing a turn. Or maybe more than one.

Why would I make myself vulnerable at this point after experiencing a negative response last time?

I think this must be another example of me being too sensitive and taking things too personally and holding on to negatives. I never know whether it’s me being those things, or if a situation really warrants those feelings. I need some kind of ruler to carry around with me so that I can make objective judgments about my reactions.

But that is how I feel, and feelings aren’t right or wrong, right? But feelings aren’t facts either.

And I emailed my friends to tell them I couldn’t make it for lunch on Friday. One of them emailed back and said she totally forgot about it and she can’t make it either, so then they decided to reschedule and make it dinner instead! I really couldn’t say no, so we agreed to have dinner next week. But it’s ok, I’ve been thinking about it and I haven’t seen them in two or three months. One of these friends I have know for 26 years, and the other for almost 20 years. I think I can handle one dinner, it will be good. I just have to put on my thick skin before I go.

It was really bad today. I actually wasn’t very anxious yesterday or this morning like I usually am before therapy, because of the email I sent J last week. I knew there was enough material in there to take us through at least two or three sessions, so I was off the hook as to coming up with something to talk about. But when I got there he asked me “What are we talking about?” I mentioned the email. I can’t remember what he said, but he blew that off. Softened the blow by telling me again that it was perfect. But no talking about the email today! Too bad for you!

Remember how I wrote a couple of days ago about not being resilient? This is another example. When I have something planned out and I’m expecting it to be a certain way, and then it doesn’t go that way, I’m floundering. I can’t regroup and go the new way. So for the next 45 minutes I was not all there. I know I definitely zoned out a few times – it’s amazing how easily that happens in therapy. It never happens in real life. Plus somehow we got onto one of my least favorite subjects – weight and eating. Combined with another of my least favorite subjects – putting myself down and not thinking positive thoughts about myself.

I don’t really remember much of what was said, except that I need to think more positive things about myself, which I don’t know how to do, and not focus so much on the negative things. I know I used the phrase “going to hell in a handbasket” which I can honestly say that I have never said before in my life and I don’t even know what it means. Microsoft doesn’t even think handbasket is a word.

I wish I could have a do-over.

J said he thought he would have gotten an email from me with my blog address. Oh yeah, like that is an easy decision to make. But I think I’ll give it to him, what the hell. I made some old blog entries password protected, and I’m not sure what I’ll do about future ones, but I’ll figure that out when it happens. And if it’s a disaster I’ll just start a new blog, although I’ll miss Harriet. I think this deserves two pairs of shoes, since I never did buy shoes after my dentist appointment last week when I found out I’m not a perfect patient.

I wish I knew the name for the feeling I get after therapy sessions like this. I’ve gotten this feeling many times in the past year, usually when talking about body image, or finding positive things about myself, or maybe when a session doesn’t go the way I’d like it to, or if it’s something we’ve talked about so many times before without the issue ever getting better. I have my list of feelings words and it’s kind of a combination of:

Upset
Disappointed
Discouraged
Perplexed
Distrustful
Uneasy
Alone
Useless
Frustrated
Dejected

Is there a word for all of that? Maybe fucked up would do. That’s how I felt today. When I left I felt that feeling and I drove around, then had lunch, then walked around, went into Barnes and Noble but couldn’t concentrate on anything, walked around some more, bought cupcakes for my kids at a bakery and came home. Sandra Lee was calling my name. Remember I went through that Apple-tini phase until I ran out of Apple Brandy? Now I have another Sandra Lee recipe using tequila, pomegranate juice and lime juice. Pom juice is really healthy.

And I’ve been thinking about the 16 year old who called the Lifeline on Sunday and told me that he is being picked on at school because he’s gay. That really sucks. We talked for a while and I think he decided to talk to his guidance counselor because he said he trusts her. He lives with his dad who doesn’t know he’s gay, and he doesn’t have a relationship with his mom. I asked him what he does at lunch, and he said he sits alone. Every day. How can no one care about this kid?

I was listening to John Prine in the car earlier. I like these lyrics:

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

Yep, it’s a hard way to go. And tomorrow is the 13th – four more months until my birthday.

I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I woke up feeling like crap, not physically, but in all other ways. I’m hating myself because I’ve gained a few pounds. I know that is because I stopped logging my food intake on livestrong, and I immediately went over there today and will have the website up at all times and on the homepage of my blackberry. It’s so easy to lose track of calorie intake, for me anyway. I’m either obsessive about it, or I gain weight. There isn’t a middle ground.

I don’t know if that is why I’m feeling this way, it doesn’t seem like that big a deal, I know it won’t be hard to get back on track and lose the weight. But I was so irritable today, my daughter came home for lunch and I was just feeling so cranky and I wanted to be alone. Luckily I spent a few hours at work all alone, then went to my new hang out, Starbucks, to drink decaf coffee and read. I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately, it’s like being alone while being surrounded by people.

I’m also annoyed at my mother, because we were all going to go to Atlanta for my cousin (her niece)’s wedding in March. We booked the plane tickets and hotel for my husband, kids and me, and today she told me that she isn’t going. She claims it is because she just discovered that her investments lost money in 2009 and she doesn’t have enough money, but I know that isn’t true. She has been looking for an excuse not to go. She is upset that my cousin converted to a religion that isn’t ours, and she is upset because my cousin ignored her when her husband died, and she is upset at my cousin’s mother, my aunt, because she sometimes seems indifferent to my mother. This has all been going on for years and years. And since my mother isn’t going to Atlanta, my sister and my niece aren’t going to go either. I really thought it would be so nice for all of us to be together, we have such a small family and we never spend time together, except at weddings and funerals. Oh well.

And back in December a friend of mine emailed me and asked if I could go to lunch with her on January 15th. How am I supposed to know on December 8th if I want to go to lunch on January 15th? But I couldn’t say no because it was so far in advance. Now January 15th is four days away. I don’t want to go to lunch with her, I don’t really want to go to lunch with anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. So I’m going to email her and tell her something came up. I don’t even really feel badly about it. I don’t feel anything actually.

I read somewhere that the happiest people are those who are most resilient. I can honestly say that I am totally NOT resilient. I suspect that anxious people can’t be very resilient, as we have to be in control at all times and have as much control as possible over our environments, lest anything anxiety producing happen. I suppose it’s a defense mechanism. But whenever things don’t go as planned I get discombobulated, and sometimes even freaked out.

My daughter and I went to the party last night, and as I said there was only one person there that I knew. It was great to hang out with her for a while. Both my daughter and I wanted to be out of there by about 9:30PM. It took a while for everyone to eat, and before you know it, it was 9:15PM. And we still hadn’t played the present game. Are you familiar with the present game, it’s very popular here. Everyone brings a gift and puts it in the pile, then everyone is assigned a number. Person #1 picks a gift and opens it. Person #2 can pick a gift from the pile or steal person #1’s gift. And on and on. We had 21 people playing the game.

It took a while for the hostess to figure out how many gifts and how many people there were. Then she had to write out the numbers, put them in the cup and pass it around so everyone could get their number. I can’t even tell you how long and drawn out this procedure was. Then when it was time for people to pick gifts and decide whether they wanted to pick a new gift, or steal an old gift….well, things began to break down. Some people weren’t paying attention, so when it was their turn they had to see what every single person before them had gotten, and then figure out what they wanted to do.

OK, I was getting antsy. Very antsy. I was having trouble sitting still. I know this was supposed to be fun, and normally it would be fun, but I wanted to go home! Finally the game was over (I got a bottle of wine – perfect!) and we had to pack up our food and get our coats. Then I checked my blackberry for my email, and there was an email from my running coach saying “tomorrow’s run is cancelled due to the cold.”

This was good and not good. Good because now I didn’t have to wake up at 5:30AM and I might get a decent night’s sleep. Bad because the food choices I made at the party were based on the fact that I would be running 10 miles the next day. I was feeling really uneasy about the food issue.

We got home at about 10:45PM and I did get a good night’s sleep. This morning it was not as cold as last Saturday, so I don’t understand the cancellation. I went out for a run at 10:30AM and did 8 miles, so I felt good. Still unsure of the caloric intake and how that is affecting me, but I’ll wait until Monday to worry about that.

And yes, the dessert I made is a trifle. I’ll send the recipe to those who have asked for it. It’s very good, I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like it. Even my son likes it and he hates everything.

I want to clear up the validating feelings issue, lest anyone think my therapist is incompetent. J has said many times that feelings are not good or bad, they just are. I always wonder whether I have the “right” to feel a certain way, and I think he would say that it doesn’t have anything to do with rights. If I feel something, I feel it. He gave me an example, two or three times I think, about going out to my car and seeing the windshield shattered and man nearby holding a hammer. I am angry and in fact I am angry at the man, because I assume he smashed my window with a hammer. But then I look in the car and see a brick inside, and it turns out that the man with the hammer was just a man with a hammer, not a windshield smasher. Someone else threw the brick into my car. But I am still angry, and that is the feeling. It is what it is and it’s not right or wrong. I read somewhere else that “feelings aren’t facts.” I kind of like that.

J likes to explain reasons why someone might have said or done something when I say they hurt my feelings. If a friend says to me, “I would never let my daughter take a fifth year of college” after I say that my son is going to need a fifth year of college, I will feel hurt because I think she is criticizing me. However, perhaps my friend is saying this because she is anxious herself about whether her daughter will need a fifth year of college, and my comment brought out her anxiety and she needs to make herself feel better. I’m still hurt, and that is my feeling, but if I can see the bigger picture perhaps I can let it slide more easily and dismiss the hurt more quickly.

The problem is when he goes too far with this technique to the point where I believe that he is actually INvalidating my feelings. We had a conversation once in which I was expressing how miserable I was being tall when I was growing up. I was taller than everyone in my family and taller than all of my friends. His response was, “I would think everyone would want to be tall.” So not only was I feeling miserable about being tall, I am now feeling like I was wrong to feel miserable about being tall because everyone wants to be tall. And maybe everyone does want to be tall, or they think they want to be tall. Perhaps other people are shorter than they want to be and they think it would be great to be tall, however they have no idea what it is like to be tall. I was miserable being tall, and I can’t change those feelings. It would have been nice for him to say, “That sucked.” Once he said that, he could move on to say that everyone else wants to be tall, or at least they think they want to be tall. But I think: what difference does it make how other people feel about their height? I was miserable, no matter how they feel.

In December of 2008 I wrote this:

J gave me two or three examples of things I’ve told him that have been very valuable and he acknowledged that those things must have been difficult for me to talk about. I like when he acknowledges that instead of just trying to resolve things or explain things, it’s nice to hear “that sounds like it was difficult for you.” I guess I need to have my feelings validated every once in a while, which sounds ridiculous. They are my feelings, what difference should it make whether anyone validates them? But, that’s the way I am.

J does validate feelings sometimes though; I wrote this in May 2009:

So I wrote to my therapist telling him I can’t write to him about my problems because it sounds like I’m whining. He responded by saying, “No problem. If writing makes you feel worse, don’t do it.” I thought that was nice. He didn’t try to convince me that it’s his job to listen to people’s problems and that he doesn’t consider it whining and complaining. So I sent him an email thanking him for acknowledging my feelings and not trying to give me logic. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk to him about my problems, but it’s nice having my feelings validated.

However I have also discovered that, according to me, J can NEVER do the right thing, as evidenced by this paragraph that I wrote in June 2009:

But he said he understands – I am feeling hurt and unsupported, I’m feeling strong feelings, and now I want to run away. Which is nice that he understands, but how is this supposed to help me?

That time he did validate my feelings and my response was “How is that supposed to help me?”

I know I’m difficult, but this is ridiculous!

I did finally confront him with this at a session we had in August 2009:

It seems that whenever I mention an instance where my feelings are hurt you come up with excuses and reasons why they would say whatever it was they said. It makes me feel like my feelings are wrong, and you say that feelings aren’t wrong or right, they just are. He said, “It’s true, feelings aren’t right or wrong.” Then he said a bunch of stuff, about why he comes up with reasons that people say things, he could say they are rude or ignorant, or he could just say nothing and let it be. I said, “What would be wrong with saying nothing and letting it be?” He said that he thought I needed to hear reasons in order to make things more logical, but there is nothing wrong with saying nothing. At the end he said, “I don’t want you to feel weird.” I replied, “I don’t want to feel that it’s wrong to feel weird.” And he said, “Good point.”

So I hope that clears things up, it’s obviously a gray area and I hope no one thinks J is a mean old therapist who is trying to make me feel bad. He’s not old or mean. I think I’m just confused about what I want.

I have to go to a party tonight. Aw, poor me, right? I shouldn’t complain. But I don’t want to go to this party. It’s being given by my daughter’s horseback riding instructor, kind of a late holiday party. We just moved to this barn a few months ago, after a really awful experience, both personally and professionally, including our horse (and all of the others) being neglected and mistreated, with the previous barn owner, who was my friend. I thought she was anyway.

So a few families moved along with us to the new barn. I’ll know some people there, but most of the people I have never met. I’m sure it will be very nice, but I don’t want to talk to strangers and be personable and cheery. And I don’t drink on Friday nights either. It’s a potluck so I’m making one of these:

and a salad. Hopefully we won’t stay long.

I almost actually slept last night, except for when my dog jumped off the bed to go throw up on the carpet. At least she didn’t throw up on the bed. This morning my husband got up, and did he clean it up? No. He said, “It looks like Sheila threw up.” Thanks honey.

The night before last night I didn’t sleep very well at all. I couldn’t fall asleep, mostly because I had the theme song from “WKRP in Cincinnati” stuck in my head. Then I eventually got to sleep about 1AM, woke up at 3AM, still singing about Cincinnati, then I woke up with a start at 5AM because I heard a noise. I had just watched the movie “Paranormal Activity” that afternoon (bad movie, hence no review), so I was freaked out about ghosts. I sat up and looked around and waited for the noise again. Finally I heard it, and it was just my son coughing. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep for a long time. Then it was time to get up. I also had a bad dream, which I was trying really hard to remember and I couldn’t. I had a dream hangover all day.

I know tonight I won’t sleep either, for some reason I can’t sleep on Friday nights. I know I have to get up early on Saturdays to run, maybe that’s why. And speaking of running, I told my husband about my fall. He asked me what I did after I fell. I told him I got up and ran back to the car, it was only another ½ mile or so. He said, “You ran?” I said, “Yes, what was I supposed to do?” He replied, “Walk?” Oh yeah, I didn’t think of that. Well I was in a hurry – I was bleeding.

I wrote about my fall on the runner’s forum that I hang out in and they were all sympathetic that I ripped my CW-X’s. That’s the worst part of it.

I really don’t want to go to this party.

I have one friend that I talk to on a regular basis, and the three or four people I work for. I avoid most everyone’s phone calls until I can’t avoid them anymore, like my mother and sister. They don’t seem to think that email is communication, they insist on using the phone as well. My son is not much of a talker, he does his best talking via IM and text. I do draw the line on IM communication when he is in his room and I am across the hall in my office. It’s one thing if I am downstairs and he is upstairs, but when we are 10 feet away from each other?

The person I talk to the most is my daughter. She is now 17 and a senior in high school. It hit me the other day that she is leaving in seven months for college. And it looks like she will be in New Orleans, quite a distance from home. I am going to miss her so much, more than I missed my son when he left because we didn’t spend as much time together and didn’t talk as much. So now every conversation I have with her I try to make special, or funny, or loving, or at least not angry and yelling. Two days ago we had a conversation about my jeans.

DD: Are you wearing your Paige jeans tomorrow? (She is referring to the jeans I bought a few months ago that she confiscated).
Me: How can I wear my Paige jeans? I don’t even know where they are.
DD: Oh, I washed them, they are hanging up in the laundry room.
Me: OK, well I would like to wear them.
DD: Do you want to wear them tomorrow?
Me: No, it’s ok, you can wear them tomorrow. Can I wear them sometime in my lifetime?
DD: OK, but we’ll need another pair of them before I leave for college.

Yesterday we had another fun one. Both of my kids’ friends are home from college for winter break, so there are always people coming and going in the house. My daughter’s friend came over last night and the three of us were in the kitchen. My daughter said to her friend, “My mom made brownies today. They are very gooey. They’re kind of raw in the middle.” I said, “The ones from around the edges are cakey and the ones in the middle are fudgy. Something for everyone.”

Then she starts digging around in the refrigerator because she wants a string cheese. She says, “Mom, I can’t find the string cheese. Will you find me one?” So I go into the refrigerator and find her string cheese. I say, “I’m not giving you this until you apologize for saying my brownies are raw.” She says, “Mom, just give me my string cheese.” I wouldn’t give it to her, and she starts jumping around trying to get it from me and I’m holding on to it for dear life, and we’re both cracking up. Then I throw the string cheese to her friend, and her friend throws it back to me, but she’s not very tall and it didn’t quite make it. I did manage to pick it up before my daughter got to it. Finally she managed to say, “I’m sorry!” even though she was laughing so hard. And then her friend ate a brownie and said it was really good.

Now my son, who has been home since June when he was “academically dismissed” from Ohio University, and who doesn’t drive, and doesn’t work and sleeps all day and is up all night, is making me a little impatient. However two days ago he asked if I would take him to the mall to buy an X-Box and so he could pick up job applications. I guess he knew that I would not take him to the mall to buy an X-Box, but I would take him to get applications. He walked around the mall and got two or three applications, but every store he went into said they are not hiring. Who would be hiring the week after Christmas? But now he can say that he tried to get a job and no one is hiring. It’s so frustrating.

I don’t understand how kids can go from this:

to this:

so quickly! Just kidding, they aren’t like that. They don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, so things are very good. They are just so darn big.

And on another note, I became a true runner today. I had my first fall. I was on the path I run on and a maintenance truck was driving towards me, so I went over to the side and tripped over a root or a branch that was partially hidden under the leaves and snow. In an instant I went from running happily along to laying in the snow and dirt. My first thought was, “Oh crap I hope I didn’t rip my $100 running tights.” (They did rip.) The guy got out of the truck to ask me if I was ok. I managed to get up while saying, “Oh yes, I’m good. I’m fine.” (I wonder how bad it would have to be to get me to say that I’m not fine. Perhaps a compound fracture with bone sticking out through skin?) Then, and get this, I apologized to him. I said, “Sorry to scare you!” What is that all about? I mean, it’s not his fault that I fell, but if he hadn’t been driving his truck right then and there I wouldn’t have had to run along the side of the trail where the dangerous stuff is. But I apologized to him. He did look kind of worried. It’s not too bad, just scrapes and bruises and it’s kind of hard to bend my knees and I can’t really use the thumb on my left hand. But I’m fine!

Prior to my fall I did manage to take a few photos with my phone:

This is the path I run on, with the frozen canal to the right. The river is on the left.

You definitely don’t want to be in this part of the river in a kayak.

This part looks much calmer.

It’s really wide here, there are some islands in the middle.

It’s a great place to run, usually!