Harriet M. Welch

Lately I’ve been getting into other people’s experiences and emotions a little too much, to the point where I am overwhelmed emotionally. This is happening with friends, co-workers, hotline callers, the foster child I work with and his support team, and family. I know I have empathy for people, but it is often hard to control. I am feeling the need to take a step back from everyone and chill for a minute.

I recently read this article on a blog about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and it is very enlightening.

Recently, I came across a discussion about HSPs, empathy, wanting to help and codependence. The point was made that—as HSPs—we have a deep sense of empathy, which makes it very easy (“natural” even) to “get into another person’s experience,” but that doing so often really is less about wanting to help, than about escaping from certain unaddressed issues of our own. And that the tendency to rush to help and enmesh ourselves (and “rescue”) in other people’s lives can really be quite unhealthy in the way it leads us to “forget” or “overlook” taking care of ourselves.

This makes me uncomfortable. I have talked about this in therapy, that I don’t help people because of a sense of wanting to help people, I do it to make myself feel better because I think I’m a bad person. It’s nice to see someone else put this in writing, because it’s not something really talked about. But instead of rushing to help people to make myself feel better, I guess I should work on the underlying issues of why I feel bad first. Then when I volunteer to help someone I won’t have to feel guilty because I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.

I also believe there are many and varied reasons why we “go there,” ranging from actual (conscious or UNconscious) fear of examining our own unaddressed issues, to enmeshment and codependence issues, to a sort of arrogance (Yes, I really DID just say “arrogance,” about HSPs!) in which we assume we simply “know better” than others what’s good for them. When I looked at this issue in myself, I realized it was all tied into old abandonment issues… by enmeshing myself in other people’s problems, I could make myself “indispensable,” and who’s going to abandon someone indispensable to them? Problem solved!

That is so true for me, I have a fear of people not needing me, so if I make myself indispensable to them they will never abandon me.

I should add, however, that I believe there are healthy and toxic expressions of this tendency… although many are probably “unhealthy” to various degrees… However, if you are simply a very giving and selfless person, who’s also very aware of your own “bag of goods,” a deep caring about healing and the well-being of others is definitely not a bad thing.

I am aware of my bag of goods, which in my case is probably an extremely large piece of luggage, however is just being aware enough?

So how do we assess what’s really going on with us? I believe that acceptance of– and then maintaining an ongoing mindfulness about the fact that we do this– offers us an invitation to pause and then exercise self care. The key word there is SELF. For me, that was a strange “pill” to swallow… I came to see how I was (often passive-aggressively) offended by anyone who took care of themselves FIRST, and by extension felt “offended” by the notion that I should take care of me. Of course, that was really just a “smoke screen” laid over a deeper issue. That issue being my pathological fear that people would not like me and abandon me if my focus was no longer on “being useful” to them. Ultimately, I had to face my root fear that I was not loveable simply as a person, but only to the extent I could “do things” for others. In one of those ironic twists of life, it was actually that very “excessive helpfulness” that made me come across as rather arrogant and needy, at the same time.

I could have written this, but slightly differently. I don’t feel offended by the notion that I should take care of me first, I just don’t feel I deserve to be taken care of, by me or anyone. I do feel that I need to be useful to people, or they won’t want me around anymore. I wonder if I am coming across as arrogant and needy? I don’t see that, but I don’t see what others see.

I heard something noteworthy, a while ago: “Taking care of YOURSELF is respecting, caring about and loving other people.” On the surface, it took me aback, a bit. At first, I struggled to agree. After all, I’d “processed” a lot of old garbage to reach a place that felt to me like I was finally “just being.”

But really? It’s TRUE. When I take care of myself, and my needs, I am making a statement to others to the effect that “I care enough about YOU to offer you my BEST and “examined” self, not just a ‘broken and damaged’ version of myself with just as many issues as anyone else.” In case that’s not coming across as being very nice or clear… think of it this way: On a psychological/spiritual level, it’s exactly the same as taking a shower, combing your hair, and wearing clean clothes when you leave your house to go spend time with friends. You care enough to do that… so take some time out to care enough to “tidy up” your heart, mind and soul, too.

This makes so much sense. Of course other people would rather spend time with a mentally healthy person than a screwed up person with a large piece of luggage filled with icky baggage. Which I guess is why I have been isolating myself for so long now, thinking no one will want to be around me.

So maybe instead of getting so overly emotionally involved with all of these other people, I need to just step back and observe and stay out of their issues for a while. I need to come to grips with the fact that, yes, they may abandon me if they don’t need me, but maybe I didn’t really need them either. And what is it taking out of me by being emotionally drained all the time? I can use that energy to work on myself, to try to fix the things that need fixing within me, so that when I do decide to reach out and help someone I can do it from a position of strength instead of desperation to be needed.

Tags: empathy, self care, sensitive

So J didn’t write back. He asked me why I thought our session didn’t go well, I told him my thoughts, briefly (trying to keep all of my emails very brief), and asked him if he thought I wasn’t being understood because I don’t communicate well. He never responded.

Now I’m not sure if he didn’t get the email, if he is busy, if I’m in trouble, if I seem ungrateful because I said that I don’t think he really got it, etc. I can think of thousands of reasons, but I’m sure that most, if not all, of them are untrue. I hate waiting for responses. I might have to email him again just to be able to move on with my week.

Thank you all for the great dialogue on yesterday’s post. I have a lot to think about. Right now I’m feeling that I just can’t find my place in the world. And not hopeful that I ever will. So I can continue a futile search, or maybe just come to accept the fact that this is the way it is. I feel like the Man of La Mancha (actually never saw the show, but I think I know the plot). I’m dreaming the impossible dream.

The other day when I was talking to my cousin we talked a little about our childhoods. I hate my little child, well, the one I was when I was little. If I ever have the chance to run into her on the street I would push her in front of bus so that she doesn’t have to grow up and be me.

Tags: childhood, email

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up, and finally at 3:30am I woke up and really couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried for a while, but too many thoughts were whirling around on that hamster wheel I call my brain. Finally at 4:50am I emailed my T and said, “I don’t think my session went very well yesterday – just wondering what you thought.” I guess somehow that made me feel better because I was able to fall asleep until my alarm went off at 6:30am.

J emailed me back this morning and said he thought the session went well because “We discussed the things that you felt were important. We came up with a behavioral plan (or at least a next step) in dealing with your son and we were able to connect how the three topics were related.” Then he sent another email a couple of minutes later asking, “Why do you think it did not go well?”

I thought about what to say for a while, and responded, “That’s true, we did do those things. The discussion about my son went well I thought. It was the other two things. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don’t feel like you really got it, but that’s just my inability to communicate well I think. Do you think that is why I feel that no one understands me, because I don’t communicate well?”

Ron made an interesting comment on yesterday’s post that J’s personality type just can’t understand my personality type. It makes sense, but it seems such a severe generalization. How can a full 1/16 of the population of earth totally not understand another 1/16 of the population?

I’m thinking of my mother’s type (ESTJ) vs my type (INFJ). We are so incredibly different. However, when I read about her type and how I can best communicate with her and why she acts the way she does I felt that I understood her so much better. Can’t we move past our personality types and come to understand the others? I would think that a psychologist especially would be able to do this. But maybe due to the personality differences the communication issues become even a greater hurdle.

Speaking of my mother, I had an interesting insight the other day. My mother has high expectations and sets high standards for other people, and when they don’t meet her expectations she thinks there is something wrong with them.

I also have high expectations and set high standards for other people, but when they don’t meet my expectations I think there is something wrong with me.

I’m surprised that my mother and I can get along at all, given our differences. I guess I should give us both some credit for working hard to have a good relationship.

Tags: communication, email, infj, mother, sleep

Well I think my life has changed since the last time I wrote, which was a mere two days ago.

I’ve been answering ads on Craig’s List in an attempt to find a job. Whenever I send an email in response to an ad I get no reply. However on Saturday, as I was sitting at my desk in a stupor after running 13 miles, I saw a new ad posted. Someone looking for a part time personal/executive assistant, which is exactly the type of position I was looking for.

I crafted a cover email and attached my resume, sent it off, and kind of forgot about it. No one ever responds. But a couple of hours later I did get a response and it was a positive one. He asked me some questions, I answered, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. We set up a time to talk on Sunday. That call went well, we chatted for about half an hour, and he decided we should have a meeting. We were both free an hour later, so we met at his home office in the afternoon. I was there for 1 ½ hours, and it seemed like a real connection. You know me and my connections! Well, I really felt the connection, and it seemed as though he did too. But he said he was interviewing another person and he would get back to me by Wednesday.

Today, Monday, I got an email from him saying that he really has mostly made his decision, but he wants me to fill out some forms for a background check and wants me to take a test that he found online. He said that the position is not contingent on me doing well on the test, but it’s a way to determine my strengths and qualifications. He had given me a sample question when we met yesterday and it was kind of fun, so I told him I am looking forward to taking the test.

I emailed him back the forms for the background check, and I am going over to his office on Wednesday morning, both to take the test, and to actually begin working.

This has all happened so quickly that I haven’t even had time to process it all. All I can say at this point is:

– This man is very intelligent, seems caring, seems like he also feels the importance of connecting with people, and owns a very busy business with which he needs help staying on top of
- During our discussions I felt quite at ease, both with his personality and with the degree of difficulty of his questions in regard to my abilities and experience
- We both seem to have some of the same interests, beliefs and values
- We each have two children, his are one year apart in age from my own
- He has a beautiful home in which I’ll be doing some of the work, and a lot of the work from my own home
- It’s a perfect type of position for me in terms of flexibility, number of hours, and salary
- I can still do my volunteer work, but will be giving up my other business which is the professional organizing. Not enough consistency, hours, and therefore income, in that type of work
- I will still be able to work for the college consultant, who is a great friend and so supportive of me, and for whom I work about 3 hours a week
- I’ll be making $350 to $450 per week, which will enable me to keep my personal trainer (assuming I’m not working during those hours!) and I will be able to see whatever therapist I want to see, regardless of whether or not he/she is participating in my insurance and I won’t have to ask my husband for money
- I actually feel pretty good about myself, well, when I’m not feeling like I’m a total fake or fraud and it’s just a matter of time before he finds out

Other than that, I feel excited about starting a new direction with my life. This businessman for whom I’ll be working, I’ll call him R, is really serious about doing his research before hiring anyone, so I feel comfortable that if he does decide to definitely hire me it will be for the long run.

We’ve already had conversations about marriage, children, psychology, passions, nutrition, health, exercise and each other’s personality. And that’s in addition to the discussions we have had about office systems, productivity, finance, internet research, computers, international travel, the college search process and various other professional topics.

Tomorrow I meet with Parrot T. I’m not feeling anxious right now. What is there to be anxious about? We meet, we talk, we click or we don’t. If we do, I make a decision. If we don’t, I won’t see her again. I believe that I am feeling anxious about the prospect of leaving J, more so than starting with a new T.

This morning when I had my workout with my trainer I was wearing long sleeves to cover some self inflicted injuries incurred over the weekend. Despite the long sleeves my cuts were visible, you know when you are working out your sleeves don’t always stay all the way down. He asked, “Have an encounter with a cat?” I replied in the affirmative. He said, “The cat win?” I said, “Yep.” I don’t know what he imagined, and I’m wondering why I cut so low on my forearms, which I don’t usually do. I’m unclear as to whether I was flirting with the idea of cutting my wrists, or if I cut in a place where someone might notice. Either option doesn’t really sit well with me.

I want to thank my dear friend Grace for her support when I am feeling hateful of myself, despite her own troubles and being so sick that she was in the hospital, she is caring and loving and selfless. I only wish her happiness and love and peace, and for her therapist to come back from vacation and tell her that she’ll be ok. Thank you dear Gracie!

Tags: anxiety, connection, cutting, friends, work

I’m thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about how I really liked the silent moments during my therapy session on Tuesday. I remember about 10 years ago I began therapy with a psychiatrist. I didn’t know anything about therapy or the different types of therapy, or even that there was a difference between psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. This particular pdoc didn’t talk at all. And since I didn’t really talk we sat in silence for a good 50 minutes. I kept asking him what I should talk about, and he said, “Don’t worry, when you get good at therapy you’ll know what to talk about.” I didn’t want to “get good” at therapy, and I didn’t want to wait around to see how long that would take, so I just quit. Didn’t show up one day and never went back.

I guess that was too much silence for me.

But I’ve written before about how much J, my current t, talks. I know it’s bothered me sometimes because I’ll be trying to process something that I’m thinking or feeling and he just barrels on. But mostly I thought it was good that he talks so much because it leaves less time for me to figure out what to say and how to say it.

But on Tuesday he didn’t talk very much. I’m not sure what was different, why he chose to stay more silent. And I’m not sure why I liked it either.

I’m wondering if I should tell him about how I feel about this. I don’t know if I’ll be having therapy with him anymore, my “trial” appointment with the new t is next week. Maybe there is no point in talking to him about it. And I’m curious to see how the new t handles silence.

It seems sad that J and I have been together for about a year and a half, and it’s just now that I am making this realization about liking the silence. Maybe things would have been different if there had been more silence all along. Or maybe it’s just that I need it now, and didn’t before. I don’t know.

How do your t’s handle silence? Do you like it?

Tags: pdoc, silence

I finally got up the nerve to make the call. I have my whole list of questions and my list of my issues. This was the psychologist that I found on my new insurance company’s list and I liked what she had written on her Psychology Today website bio. When I called I got the recording, “The number you have reached has been disconnected.” Crap. It took me two weeks to get up the nerve to call her. Well, it turns out that the phone number that the insurance company has listed for her is wrong, the phone number on the Psych Today website is correct. So I waited about an hour to get my nerve up again and I called again. This time she actually answered, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought she’d be with a patient and I’d leave a message – it was 3:15PM. I asked her if she was still accepting this particular insurance, which she is, but she said she only has one available time slot. I thought for sure this deal was dead, but it turns out the one available time slot is Tuesday at noon. I currently see J on Tuesday at 11. How fortuitous is that?

I told her that my current t doesn’t take my new insurance and she asked me how long I’ve been seeing him. I told her about a year and a half, and I guess she got suspicious. She said that the insurance company will pay for out of network providers if that is what I am concerned about. I told her that I have been having doubts about my work with my current t and this insurance change was the nudge I might need to set me on a different path. She asked me what kinds of doubts I was having in my work with him and I told her about how I am intimidated by him and how a recent trust issue arose. She asked if I talked to him about the intimidation and I said that yes, we have talked about it. As for the trust problem I said that I can’t seem to move past that.

She then asked me what my problems are (well, she didn’t quite word it like that obviously.) I ran through the whole list. I omitted self injury and suicidal ideation, but otherwise I laid it all out. She said she frequently works with others with similar issues. I asked her what type of therapy she does and she said she uses a variety of methods. She said she does some CBT but that is not the main method. She told me that her office is in her home and that she has a parrot, and for those clients who like animals the parrot can stay in the office during the session. Hell would freeze over before J would have a parrot in his office. He doesn’t even like to have toys in there.

I told her that I was looking for someone who was a little bit Carl Rogers, a little bit Carl Jung, a little bit existential, and some CBT for the day to day stuff. She said based on that we would work together well. She also said she does energy work, but I didn’t ask her to go into detail. I wonder if she means Reiki?

I made an appointment to see her next Tuesday. Tomorrow when I see J I’m going to tell him that I want to take a week off. I don’t want to make any commitments about anything right now – whether it be quitting, a long break, starting with someone new, etc. I just plan to go meet her, and ask her the rest of my questions. It’s going to be really important to me that she let me do some of my communicating in writing. Not necessarily email, I don’t mind bringing in what I write. But I refuse to read anything I write out loud. So if she doesn’t like writing or if she wants me to read to her, that won’t work for me.

I’m really very freaked out by all of this. The thought of starting from square one with a new person is terrifying. J knows everything, well almost, and it took me about a year and a half to get to this point with him. There are definitely things that bother me, but I can’t imagine any therapeutic team being perfect. No matter who I use I am sure there will be things that bother me, especially because I am so closed off. It is difficult for professionals to work with me because I don’t say what I need or if anything is wrong. I don’t know, maybe she’ll let me talk to the parrot and the parrot will pass along what I say to her.

I see J for my regular session tomorrow and as a result of our emails this week I suppose we’ll be talking about whether it will be beneficial to take a break. Based on his last email which he sent over the weekend he seems to think it would serve me better to continue. He said, “I wonder if not addressing issues causes them to persist because that dynamic seems to have taken place already. You continue to view yourself as an inadequate parent because of perceived shortcomings from the past. Here’s my psychologist bias but I think that one needs to work through or resolve issues in order to avoid repeating them. Will you feel better if you take a few weeks off from therapy? Or will you keep beating yourself up over those few weeks?” And then he said, “I can’t give you my opinion about taking a break – I don’t know whats best one way or the other. If you feel a break would help you, then I am fine with that.” It seems he did give me his opinion though.

He is always saying “I wonder” in his emails. What does that mean? I really doubt that he is actually wondering. I hate that phrase now. He has also used the term “perceived shortcomings” before when referring to my parenting. Why doesn’t he believe that I have shortcomings? To me this is perpetuating the quality that people seem to think I have that I am totally competent and good at everything. That’s the way I present myself, due to various underlying issues, but of course it isn’t true. Everyone has shortcomings, why is there this attitude of “Oh you’re a great parent, you did a great job. Any shortcomings you have are all in your imagination.” Why can’t it be, “OK, you made some mistakes, every parent makes mistakes, but it’s ok, we can move on from here and either fix things or do better in the future.”

I’m already in a stressed mood because I went to see pdoc today and we were talking about my son. He knows my son, because he used to be a patient there too. That discussion again caused old bad feelings and I’m really afraid of talking about it again with J tomorrow. I just don’t even know what to think about anything anymore.

Tags: communication, email, parenting, pdoc, Psychology, son, trust

I’ve been googling new therapists. I looked on my new insurance company’s list of psychologists and counselors to find ones in my area. Some of them are on the Psychology Today website, which is a great resource. I found one that looks promising. She is a woman, graduated college in the 80’s, practices humanistic and person centered psychology and she says she “incorporates a wide variety of techniques into the therapeutic process, including cognitive-behavioral techniques, guided imagery, communication exercises, relaxation exercises and other awareness techniques.” Normally using this website one can send a prospective therapist a message via the internet, but when I click on the link it says, “Dr XXX PhD. would like to hear from you but prefers to be contacted by phone.” Strike one. I don’t do phone. But maybe I’ll call and leave a message anyway, just to hear her voice. Voices are important to me also.

I think what I am looking for is someone who combines some of Carl Rogers, some of Carl Jung, some existential stuff, and a little CBT thrown in to get through the day to day garbage. I found a paper online that someone had written explaining how the theories and practices of Rogers and Jung can actually complement each other. I’m still working my way through this. One thing about Jung is that a lot of his material is so way over my head. I totally don’t get much of what he came up with, and I would really like to understand it, because the things I do understand I see so much value in.

I also want someone who will let me write, either by email, or by bringing in material to my sessions. Someone who can do alternative methods of communication – writing, art, photography, music, etc. I would love to have someone who will take a walk with me instead of sitting in the office, but I know that is a stretch.

More to think about….

Tags: Psychology

I know I should not be worrying and thinking so much about this thing that I am worrying about, because I am sure that there is a good explanation for it. I just don’t know it yet, so why am I worrying about it before I have the good explanation? I guess I’m worried that there isn’t a good explanation for it, but it seems silly to worry about that until I find out if there is a good explanation. And obviously I am not writing about it either. In case I ever need to password protect my posts I will be happy to give out the password to anyone who emails me. The link to my email is over there on the right.

I just read something that made me think. It was on a mental health forum, and someone asked if the others used people’s names when referring to them in their therapy sessions, or if they just said the relationship. I would say 95% of the respondents said that they use names, and many of them also acted kind of judgmental towards those who did not use names, for example saying things like, “I’m confused about the question, why wouldn’t I? I tell my therapists my deepest darkest secrets, why wouldn’t I tell her names?” Good way to make the other 5% feel like shit, thank you very much. Someone did bring up the fact that in cases of abuse it is important to name names, due to the fact that abuse is frequently secretive and part of the healing process is to bring it all out in the open. And that makes perfect sense to me.

As for me, and you knew I was getting to this, I have never named names in therapy. I had no idea that people did that. I really don’t understand it either. My therapist has no idea who these people are, so why would I tell him their names? He doesn’t tell me anyone’s names, although I know that is a terrible analogy, he doesn’t really tell me anything. I would just feel so uncomfortable saying my husband’s, or my childrens’, or my friends’ names. That’s just icky. Maybe it’s a way for me to keep my distance once again, my fear of getting too close to people, distrust, etc etc. Maybe it’s the compartmentalizing behavior. All that crap. I just think that if I was a person who could name names in therapy then I wouldn’t need therapy.

And to end on a lighter note, here is a cute cartoon I saw. I guess if you’re not an INFJ, or if you are not involved with one, you would not be interested in this at all. But it’s so perfect.

Tags: anxiety, infj

Happy first day of 2010 everyone. I hope you all had a pleasant New Year’s Eve. My husband and I went out to dinner and then we went to our friends’ house in the neighborhood. There were a few couples there and we drank (a lot) and had dessert and watched the ball drop on TV. I had a bit too much to drink, and didn’t feel well today. Luckily I had no plans for the day.

To update the therapy recap, yesterday I thought of another thing J and I talked about on Tuesday. He asked if I had an alarm system, and I said that I used to have one, but one night the alarm went off in the middle of the night and my husband ran downstairs to see what was wrong. After that I told him that it’s pointless to have an alarm system if he is going to go down and get shot. J said he doesn’t have an alarm system either, and he said I live in a safe neighborhood, I lock the doors, and I have a dog.

I have no idea why we had this conversation.

Yesterday I went to work for a client I’ve only had for a couple of months. In case you don’t know I work as a professional organizer/administrative assistant for people who own their own businesses and need help. I don’t do residential organizing. My new client found me through an organizing referral website that I joined a while ago. Most, actually all, of the calls I’ve gotten through this website have been people looking for residential organizing, which I specifically said I don’t do, but they call anyway. I got the impression that some of them were hoarders, and I don’t feel comfortable working with hoarders because I think they need professional therapeutic help rather than an organizer, and I don’t feel comfortable taking money to organize stuff they can’t get rid of.

So a couple of months ago I got an email with a referral from a woman who is about 45 minutes away from me, and it said she is a psychotherapist needing help with organizing her business. The email said to call her after 8PM. At about 4PM I got a call from her. I figured she was another dead end lead, but when I was talking to her I felt a connection. We talked briefly about her needs and set up an appointment to meet at a diner. I don’t normally like to travel that far for clients, but like I said I felt a connection. When we met and had coffee I definitely felt a bond with her. She said she was interviewing a few organizers, and wanted references and asked about a background check – all very understandable requests. I gave her three references. A couple of days later she emailed me and said she wanted to hire me, that she didn’t interview anyone else, but she felt comfortable with me. We set up a time for me to visit her at home. When I got there I asked if she had talked to my references and she said she hadn’t. I asked if she lost the paper that she had written their phone numbers on, and she said, “How did you know?” The first day that I was there she said she felt comfortable enough with me that she would trust me to be in her home alone, and she gave me a key.

I emailed her with the information on my references, and a few days later she told me that she got gushing reviews by email from them. They apparently raved about me, both as a person and as an organizer/assistant. I said, “Oh well they are very nice people” and she replied, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

As we worked together over these last few weeks I grew to like her more and more. We talked a bit, but mostly surface stuff. Of course I know more about her than she knows about me because I am working with all of her stuff. She tells me a bit about her life as a therapist, and I ask questions, without being too obvious because I haven’t told her that I am in therapy. Anything that has to do with her clients is off limits to me, which I respect. I work for another therapist, and she spills way too much information about her clients to me, which is particularly bad because we live in the same town and I know some of these people!

We were working together yesterday, going through three boxes of papers and files. I was there for 5 hours, and we took a half hour break to eat and have tea. At one point I asked her if she was familiar with the Myers Briggs test, which of course she is since she is a psychotherapist, and I asked her what type she is. I had a feeling she was similar to me, except I knew that she is a P and I am a J, and I didn’t really know her well enough to know if she is an I or an E. She asked me why I am interested (typical therapist comeback) and I said I was trying to figure out her type. She said she is an ENFP. I said, “I knew it! But I didn’t know if you are an I or and E.” I told her that I am an INFJ, and I recognized some similar characteristics in her, with a major exception being the P/J area.

During the day she said to me, “I really enjoy working with you, you are very easy to be with.” I thanked her and said I feel the same about her. Then I told her that from the first conversation I …. and I couldn’t say the right words. I actually said, “I knew you weren’t like some of the wacky people that have called me before” which isn’t what I wanted to say at all. I wanted to say, “I felt a connection to you, and I enjoy working with you, and I feel what you feel in regards to your environment and how you envision it.” I really need to improve my communication skills. I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions, but that could be a good one.

Tags: client, communication, connection, friends, husband, infj

So my therapist, J, has been talking about mindfulness a lot lately. Mindfulness sounds so nice, doesn’t it? I imagine Buddhist monks sitting around quietly being mindful. So peaceful. Yeah, I wish.

My problem is the voices in my head. Well, they are not really voices, they are more like images. Not necessarily moving images like a movie, but maybe those old fashioned movies where one image after another flashes by. And those images enter my head when my head is not busy thinking about something else. So if I am thinking about whether or not I turned off the straightening iron and ruminating on this for awhile my brain is nicely busy. You may think it’s not good to wonder all day if I turned off the straightening iron, however it is better than the alternative.

When I try to empty my mind and just enjoy the moment, that’s when bad things happen. Those images start, and they are bad ones. I know the Mindfulness experts say, “Thoughts will enter your mind, you can’t stop them. But you should just acknowledge them without judgment, and then gently bring your mind back to the present moment.” OK, you Mindfulness experts – tell me exactly how to do that. Without judgment? That might be possible for normal people, who might have a thought enter their mind like, “Don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning.” I think I’d be fairly non-judgmental about that thought. But there are certain thoughts and images, very very bad ones, violent, horrendous ones, and then it’s not so easy. Yes I can acknowledge them, no problem. Without judgment? No way. And gently bring my mind back to the present moment? You’ve got to be kidding. I am now in the midst of a panic attack due to the these images that are now in my mind because of the damn mindfulness. Thanks a lot.

I heard about a book the other day, it is called something like Get Out of Your Mind and Get Into Your Life. Wow, that sounds like something I’d like to do. But before I could buy it I had to do the research on it, because I am sick of self help books that say do x, y, and z, but don’t tell you how to do x, y, and z. So in reading the reviews and the sample of the book that I downloaded onto my Kindle, I learned that one of the basic premises of this book is that our thoughts and feelings are a product of our mind, they are not US. Huh? That has got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t even make any sense. Our mind is US, my mind is ME, and whatever my mind thinks or feels is ME. So I didn’t buy the book.

I think I mentioned to J last week that I thought that mindfulness works best for people who have good control of their thoughts. He mentioned the word “medication” and I went somewhere. Not physically, but I guess I zoned out or something because I have no idea what transpired after that. I hate when that happens, because maybe he said something worth listening to. Although if it involved medication then probably not.

I have used mindfulness to ground myself if I am in the midst of an anxiety attack. I used to use it a lot when I flew, because I was a fearful flyer. I would look at the seat in front of me, and check out the fibers, and how they are woven together, and whether they are frayed, and what colors are in them. I got to know a lot about airline seat fabrics. I hate the leather seats, nothing interesting to look at there. So it’s not that mindfulness doesn’t have a place, and it’s not that it does nothing for me. I just don’t think that it’s for someone whose mind does crazy things like mine does.

Although those Buddhist monks certainly look peaceful.

Tags: anxiety, book, flying, intrusive thoughts, mindfulness, panic attack