Category Archives: anxiety

Jan 13 2013

Big Therapy Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow I see Art T for regular therapy and then I am going to see J. I asked him for a double session which I have never had before but I didn’t want to leave with things left unsaid. Of course now that I have made the appointment I am extremely anxious and don’t know how I am going to say everything that I have planned on saying all of these months. I want to cover all that has been going on in my life now, which is the easy part but also all of my feelings about the therapy we did together. That is the hard part. I will print out the emails I wrote him but didn’t send, but I read them over yesterday and wow I’m not sure I can say some of those things.

But we’ll see.

Jan 5 2013

An Explanation

I read something on the internet the other day. Here is the link: http://ocduk.org/types-ocd

This is me.

Violent Intrusive Thoughts – obsessive fears of carrying out violent acts against loved ones or other people. Intrusive thoughts include:

Violently harming children or loved ones.
Killing innocent people.
Using kitchen knives and other sharp objects (compulsion will include locking away knives and sharp objects).
Jumping in front of a train or fast moving bus.
Poisoning the food of loved ones (compulsion will include avoiding cooking for family).
Acting on unwanted impulses, e.g. running someone over, stabbing someone.
Thoughts about accidentally touching someone inappropriately, with the aim of hurting them.

Most sufferers with these types of fears often end up labelling themselves as a bad person, simply for having the thoughts. They falsely believe that having the thoughts mean they are capable of acting upon them. The constant analysing and questioning of these disturbing aspects of OCD becomes incredibly upsetting and because of the nature of the thoughts many sufferers are reluctant to open up to health professionals to seek help, fearing they may be labelled.

A person with these types of intrusive thoughts will avoid public places like shopping centres and other places, where social interaction may be required, to avoid coming into close contact with people that may trigger the obsessive thoughts.

To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking . It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.

J didn’t understand when I told him about this, and, let me tell you, it was not easy to talk about. He thought I was talking about fantasies. He told me that he had a fantasy that his wife was dead and everyone was feeling sorry for him, and that is a normal fantasy when you think that you are taking care of everyone all the time and not getting cared for. Or he had a fantasy about shooting a guy’s tires out because he cut him off on the road.

When I told him these aren’t fantasies he tried to make them logical. Like if I have the urge to stab my husband in the back with a kitchen knife it is probably because I am annoyed with him for snoring and keeping me up in the night.

He never understood. But maybe whoever wrote this website understands. However, I am not sure if what I have is OCD, or if I am just an evil person. J told me that thoughts are not actions. But thoughts can be bad. And it’s not always thoughts, it often feels like a very strong urge. I don’t know what that is, and why I have that. My aunt told me she has it too, so maybe it is some genetic fault in our family. Badness in the genes.

Sep 7 2012

Seeing a New T

It’s been about 5 weeks since I last saw J. I have been browsing the internet for a new t, not necessarily to see one, but just to see what is out there. But during this research I actually found someone that I think could work. She is in my insurance, so I hardly have to pay anything, and she isn’t too far away. I emailed her, and explained my whole situation, and we met for the first time today. She is an art therapist, so I will call her art t.

I was a little anxious about meeting her, but she is very nice. Very young. A bit overweight, not fashionably dressed at all, no makeup, office a little shabby, but somewhat neat, not as neat as John’s office, and very beige. I felt immediately comfortable with her. She said she would take notes at the first meeting, but not after that. She wanted to know about me, so I told her my basics, kids, husband, dog, job, education, etc.

I talked about J a lot. She asked me what kind of therapy he did and I said he claimed to do psychodynamic, but that he is “solution focused” and I told her that he works a lot with substance abusers and not so much with people with amorphous problems like me. I brought up some of the problems he and I had, but I stressed that he is very nice and that he helped me a lot. I told her that I was nervous about the art and she said I didn’t have to do art. I said that J always said that I could talk about whatever I wanted and then after 9 months when I finally talked about what he thought was the right thing he said it was the first normal therapy session that we had. She asked me how I felt and I said I felt betrayed, and now I don’t necessarily believe her when she says I don’t have to do art, and I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to talk about. She said it’s not right to push people to talk about or do things they don’t want to do. I agree to a point, I think after a while and after getting to know one’s t that pushing can help, but I didn’t tell her that.

We talked some about my mother because she wanted to know an example of an insight that I had during my therapy. I mostly talked about J and my mother. She said that she has an eclectic manner of therapy, but uses Internal Family Systems which she explained to me. Not sure I’m too crazy about the “child” parts, but I am willing to try things.

She asked if I felt like I was grieving about my insights about my mother and I said that no, I actually felt relief. That my mother had high expectations and that I put myself in the position of being a very good girl as a child is the reason I now am a perfectionist and never feel good enough, and it is kind of a relief to know there is a reason behind my thoughts and feelings. Sure I would like to have an idealized mother, but I know that is not possible, a mother is always going to have shortcomings, she can’t be perfect in every way.

I felt on the verge of tears the whole time. I guess she doesn’t intimidate me like J does. I told her that I never cried with him (I did cry a little bit once), that I had to listen to sad music or watch sad videos before my sessions to get myself to be emotional. She said I must have had been very walled off from him. I told her that I frequently felt that his CBT techniques made me feel invalidated and she asked for examples and she said that she could understand why I would feel that way. I also said that I asked him a lot about therapy techniques and what he was doing and how many of his clients asked what I asked, and he said not many. I told her that he was trying to get me to be the kind of client he wanted me to be and I was trying to get him to be the kind of therapist I wanted him to be.

I said that I made collages and slide shows and I would show J and he wouldn’t really understand them, but he liked them in his own way and always paid a lot of attention to them. She said she would love to see collages and slide shows. She said I didn’t have to do art, or I could if I wanted to. I said that I read a lot about psychology and she asked me if I knew about attachment theory and we talked about that a bit. She said it is not necessary to figure out what kind of attachment style one has, but it is good to work with attachment issues. She mentioned the “therapeutic relationship”, and I think at that time in order to prevent myself from crying I started singing the ABC song in my head and when I got to Z I started counting. I don’t know if she noticed I was zoning out on purpose.

She asked me how my anxiety is in general now, and I told her that I am not an anxious person, but J and my pdoc say I am. She mentioned that my foot was shaking the entire time and the room was filled with anxiety and she could feel anxiety and then I felt very bad and apologized and she said I don’t need to apologize. I said that I didn’t want to make her feel bad. She talked about attunement and that she has to check in with her feelings during a session, as well as mine.

I couldn’t see the clock unless I turned my head a lot to the left and I asked her how long the sessions are. She said normally 45 – 50 minutes but she usually uses the whole hour because she likes to do therapy and doesn’t want to stop. I told her about family t and how he would go over time and that I like boundaries. She said she would never go over 1 hour, that is her boundary, and she could move the clock or I could wear a watch (I don’t even have a watch, except a sports watch!) She said she is glad I am telling her about my boundaries because she wants me to feel safe.

We talked about mindfulness and I told her that I cannot do anything that involves paying attention to my breathing. She asked about other methods of mindfulness which she thinks is very helpful and I told her about how when I fly I pay attention to everything that is going on in the moment with all of my senses, and that I like Jon Kabat Zinn when he does things like the raisin mindfulness exercise. I also told her about my flying therapist who made a cd with calming exercises and there is the little leaf exercise where you pretend to blow an imaginary leaf in your cupped hands. She told me about an exercise where you pretend to smell a flower and then blow a leaf or something, which are really breathing exercises without mentioning breathing. I told her that I cannot do mindfulness meditation that focuses on the “the breath”, and notice the thoughts in my head but then take my attention back to the “the breath”. I need to distract myself from the breath, or else I can’t breathe. She said she was glad that I told her about this.

Wow, we talked about a lot of things. I told her that I was really interested in the Myers Briggs personality type and she asked what I am, but then she quickly said, “Wait, I’ll tell you.” I-N-F hmmmm, and I said, “I am an executive assistant” and she said “J!” Yep, that is me, INFJ, she knew it. I said that I don’t give a lot of credibility to the MBTI because I don’t believe everyone in the world fits into 16 categories, but learning about my mother’s type gave me so much understanding about her, and helped me communicate better with her. The same with J, that he was an S and I was an N and knowing that helped me to communicate with him better.

She asked if J and I had a termination session and I was honest and told her that we are really just taking a break, but I am not certain if I will go back to him, and she seemed fine with that. She said I can decide later if I want to go back to him, or if I want a termination session with him, or just nothing.

She asked me about body image stuff and I was able to talk a lot about my diet and exercise and my compulsions, but I felt a bit uncomfortable because she is a little overweight, and I am not, so how could I say that I feel fat when I am obviously not fat, I just feel that way? Hard to explain. I gave her the history about gaining weight when I took Zoloft and then losing weight and starting to run, and now running races, etc. I told her that I always feel people are looking at me when I am in my running clothes and thinking I am fat and flabby and jiggly, but then I think that is so narcissistic because I am obviously not the center of the universe and no one is looking at me and no one cares, so I should just not worry about it. How I look at other women to see if they jiggle, or if they have pudgy areas, not to judge them, but to see that I am normal.

At the end she asked if I would like to work with her and I said I did and then I started to cry and I said that I am getting emotional and she asked me what I was feeling. I said that I think I am feeling relief that this could actually work. I asked if I could use one of her tissues. I can’t believe that I am so emotional with every other therapist I’ve seen, even just one time, and never with J. I don’t even want to think that I wasted 4 years and a lot of money staying with him when he wasn’t right for me. But I know he did help me, and art t said that just having the insights that he helped me have are helpful even if I didn’t actually change my feelings about myself. She explained about how and why I wouldn’t have changed even though logically I know things, that the parts of me that are still “protectors” and child parts (I still don’t really think I have child parts) need to be talked about and worked through in order to finally become whole and to believe what I know logically.

I’m still not sure that she really is being truthful when she says I don’t need to do the art, and in a way I want to do art, but I’m terrible at it and I don’t want it to be something else I can fail at. But she is an art therapist, so if I don’t do art she might not want to work with me, even though she said it is perfectly fine that I don’t do art. I have a problem with trust and she said she can totally understand that.

I guess we have a lot to talk about, she doesn’t know everything, and it took me a long time to tell J everything, but maybe she doesn’t need to know everything, and maybe it won’t take me as long this time. I sure don’t need to get into how I was suicidal and that I self injured, even though on her profile she said that she works with people who self injure.

I told her that I also feel guilty that I only have to pay her about $25, because she is participating in my insurance, but it was time to leave so I said we have to talk about that another time.

This whole thing is very weird to me, but I felt so understood, and emotional, and maybe that is good. She is very young and that worries me, and the art worries me, but I want to give this a try and see where it goes. At first I felt guilty about seeing someone else besides J, but then I thought, does he really even care? I doubt it.

On my way to art t’s office I passed J’s other office, which according to google maps is 1.2 miles from where I work and his car was parked in the driveway. I have been by there before and never saw his car, and I thought maybe he was in it and pulling out of the driveway, but then I saw it was just parked. How ironic.

Nov 15 2011

Therapy Recap 11/15/11

I started right in by telling J that I was thinking about things we talked about last week (I didn’t tell him the session got me upset, and after reading my blog post about that session I can’t figure out why I did get upset). I sort of made a verbal bullet list for him:

• I went back and read my story about my medical situation, and I had written something about my husband, but I took it out

• I could never give my husband a formal thank you for his support during that time, and I can’t believe J even asked me to do that. I said that he may as well have told me to go out and get a million dollars and come back next week and let him know how it went.

• I saw my pdoc last week and I was in a bad mood and she doesn’t want me to go off of my wellbutrin and she told me I was better when I had cancer. She said if my relationship with my husband was better I would be happy and my life would be complete, and he says if I volunteer until I become a grandmother I would be happy and my life would be complete.

• I had a fight with my husband, but I think it worked out ok in the end

I thought that took about 10 minutes to go through, but it was probably more like 2 minutes.

Then I sat back and waited.

He asked me about my story for the writing class reunion, and did I take my husband out after we talked about it in the session last week. I told him that I had taken my husband out before last week’s session because I didn’t like that part of the story.

We talked about how I can’t thank my husband for his support, and he said does it make it a little easier for me maybe, because I know that my husband stepped slightly out of his comfort zone to offer his support. That maybe I could step a little out of my comfort zone. Then he gave a long analogy about two people flirting in a bar, and how it is like going up a ladder, one person says x and the other says y, and then they go to the next level, or perhaps they don’t say y they say q, and then it doesn’t go any farther…….

We moved on to my pdoc telling me I was better when I had cancer. I said that I don’t remember if she used the actual word “better”, but that was the impression I got. She might have said I was more engaged. We talked about how I had isolated myself and become disengaged from friends and family over the last couple of years, but it seemed to get better this year. I said that my cousin’s hospital stay from her overdose, and my medical situation were distractions from my life.

J told me something he had already told me, but I listened again. He said at one time in his practice he had 5 or 6 women who all had anxiety about things in their lives, but when a true disaster struck – illness, death of a spouse, etc – they were totally functional and in control. He told me that he was thinking about me before the session and how situations with me always come back to the same questions:

Am I good enough?
Do I have value?
Do people like me?
Do people love me?
Do I love myself?

Makes me sound pathetic.

He asked me if I had a “project” would I feel more engaged, valued, etc. I said that is what I have been trying to say for the last two years. When my children grew up and left home I lost my purpose in life. Maybe he finally understands this now?

He told me a story about someone who worked for six years on child safety seat laws. He asked me if some kind of activism would give me a purpose.

Then he asked if my relationship with my husband was better, would that satisfy my need for purpose? I said no, and he asked why not, and I said that I don’t want my sense of purpose to be dependent on other people. My husband could be gone in a second, just like my kids, and with them went my purpose. He said a purpose doesn’t have to be one thing, it can be multiple things….

We talked about the fight I had with my husband, and I told him the whole story. He never actually said that when I apologized, or when I told my husband what would be a good thing to say, was a good thing, so I don’t know what he really thought. He did ask if after all of that I felt more emotionally connected to my husband (was he really asking if we had sex?) I told him that, no, I did not feel more emotionally connected to my husband, we made up, and things went back to normal, like being roommates. Then I asked him what is an emotional connection anyway, and we talked about that for a while and he explained cognitive dissonance and I told him about when we were in New Orleans and I saw a guy with a hat from my hometown football team and we immediately bonded and talked about where we are from, and the teams we like, etc. I guess that is an emotional connection? Or it is cognitive dissonance.

I told him that I think my husband is clueless, but doesn’t mean to hurt me or be mean. J agreed. I told him that normally in a situation with my husband when it got to the part where he doesn’t say anything and walks out of the room, I stuff my feelings and stew about it, and after multiple times it builds up negative feelings. But this time I said something when he didn’t say anything and walked out of the room. As a matter of fact, the whole episode of the fight/make up was much different from how I usually behave. J asked me what I thought caused me to be different, and I said I don’t know. He suggested that perhaps it was because my husband has been more supportive to me lately, or perhaps it was because J told me last week to thank my husband for his support.

Then J asked me if I run with a gps watch so I can monitor the elevation, and how even though going up hill is difficult the fact that you know there will be a downhill soon makes it easier. And he compared that to a relationship, ups and downs, you know if you are in a difficult time, an easier time must be coming. Then he said something about “make up sex”, and I was surprised and I guess my face showed it, and he said he was using it as an example of ups and downs and there is even a term for the ups – make up sex.

I think that was about it. I left feeling ok, I didn’t feel as though I had left anything unsaid, I hate when that happens. Maybe J finally gets the “existential angst” I have been feeling and that he never wanted to talk about. He uses different wording – I need a “cause”. That’s not exactly right, but much closer than he was before.

One weird thing was that he brought up my cousin, and how I seemed engaged during the time I was taking care of her. The weird part is he called her by her name. I have never told J anyone’s name, I say “my husband”, “my aunt”, “my new boss”, “my old boss”, etc. But during the cousin in the hospital time I guess I let my guard down and called my cousin by her name. So when he talked about her he didn’t say “When your cousin was in the hospital”, he said “When Lori was in the hospital.” That kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because he doesn’t even know her and he is calling her by her name. I know most people use names in therapy, I suppose as a way to be sure the therapist knows who is who. But how can a therapist remember everyone’s name? I’m surprised J even remembered that one name.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.

Sep 7 2011

Reiki Recap 9/6/11

One thing I forgot to write about in my recap yesterday. At one point in the session J asked me “How was your race?” I had totally forgotten that I had even told him I was running in a race last Saturday, and I was surprised that he remembered. It wasn’t something we talked about in depth at all, from what I remember anyway. Whenever he does something like that I feel badly for ever saying anything negative about him. Darn him.

After my therapy session I went for Reiki. I didn’t really know what to expect. The studio also has yoga therapy, acupuncture, hypnosis, massage, counseling, and other services. The Reiki practitioner is a young, pretty woman with a soft voice. She told me that she is a graduate student in psychology and is incorporating mindfulness techniques and visual imagery into her practice.

I laid on the table and she had soft music playing out of her laptop. I closed my eyes. She told me to concentrate on my breathing, and if my mind wandered to stressful things I should think about a relaxing place. I pictured myself on the beach in St. Thomas, feeling the sun, listening to the little waves and the birds, smelling the French fries from the restaurant on the beach behind me, and sipping a cocktail.

I know that some Reiki practitioners use touch and some don’t, this one did. She put her hands lightly on my head and stayed that way for what seemed like five minutes, then moved her hands to a different place on my head, then my shoulders, etc. Each time she held her hands on me without moving – shoulders, arms, legs, ribcage. I sensed that in between each placement of her hands that she was moving her hands above my body. I started to feel a sensation in my head, a good sensation but hard to describe. A little later I felt it in my arms. At one point the shapes and colors behind my closed eyes started to change and continued to morph and change for a few minutes, then stopped.

The session was 30 minutes, and I felt very relaxed at the end, but also uplifted. She told me that she has a special program for pre-surgery, which I don’t have time to do, but she also does energy work for healing after surgery which involves Reiki and visualization. I do plan to go back when I feel better after my surgery.

I could see how the practitioner would have to be a good fit for the client during Reiki. I know it sounds new-agey, but there is definitely energy moving back and forth between the two people.

Did I mention that the hospital I am going to encourages the use of ipods before, during and after surgery? I have some relaxation exercises on my ipod that were recorded by my flying therapist’s partner, who has a wonderfully relaxing voice. I also bought some mp3’s – beach sounds, rainstorm sounds, gentle rain sounds, bird sounds, a breathing meditation, a guided imagery meditation, and a body relaxation exercise. Of course, I also have a lot of music, and audio books. Between all of that I think I may be able to shut out all of the anxiety before the surgery, although from what I understand, a lot of hospital staff – nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, etc – will be coming to talk to me. I can listen to my ipod in between conversations. The Reiki practitioner told me to start listening to the relaxation exercises twice a day, that even if I do that for a couple of days it will make a difference. I’m not sure if that is true, but it can’t hurt.

Sep 6 2011

Therapy Recap 9/6/11

J started out by asking me how I am doing. How I am “really” doing, and I said fine. As I always say. I said, “Everyone is saying this surgery is no big deal, so I guess it isn’t. So I’m fine.”

We talked about what I am picturing and thinking about in regards to the surgery, and I said I can only imagine based on what I see on tv and based on other family members experiences in the hospital. J asked if I was imagining good looking doctors. That would be nice of course.

I told him what my psychiatrist said last week, and he said that he sees things differently. He thinks I have handled everything about this medical situation very well, I have been logical and not out of control, and yes, he does think I could be more assertive with certain people, but overall he doesn’t think I am demonstrating “bad” behavior patterns (pdoc didn’t use the word “bad”). I told him that she asked me why I don’t want people coming to see me in the hospital, as though there is something wrong with that, although that could just be my interpretation of her comment. J said that there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about not wanting people to come to the hospital, after surgery a person doesn’t feel well, they are in a hospital gown with tubes everywhere, messed up hair, no makeup (he said this), and it is perfectly alright to want to be alone, or with just a close family member. He brought up that I had said it would be different if I was going to be there for five days, then I might not mind people coming to see me.

I told him about my husband thinking this weekend is the opportunity to have a party, and why my husband might be thinking like this. That maybe he doesn’t know what to do, so he is stepping up to the plate by ordering food. (Oh, and after we had the conversation about getting food for Saturday night my husband said he might invite a bunch of people over on Sunday to watch the game here.)

J says it would be good for me to be more assertive with my husband, to tell him exactly what I want, and if necessary to play the cancer card. I may have to say, “I am having a malignant tumor removed and I can do what I want – when you have a malignant tumor removed you can do what you want.” I told J it is hard for me, and he said maybe because I am good at putting my thoughts into writing I should send my husband an email. That would open the door to a discussion. He said some great words that I could say to my husband and I said, “Maybe you could just talk to him for me, since you know what to say and it sounds really good when you say it.” He said he couldn’t do that. Darn.

And he said if I make my wants and needs known, and my husband still doesn’t pay attention to what I want, I can always do a passive-aggressive move, like when his whole family is over here because he didn’t tell them not to come I can be sitting with them and say, “I’m going to throw up” and then proceed to do it. He was joking. I think.

I brought up how my husband and mother don’t like to see or hear about negative emotions, and J said that is their problem, not mine. I said I believe it is also mine. He said I can show whatever emotion I want to and not worry if they can’t handle it, but I told him that if they blow me off my feelings will be hurt. He asked me which is better – to stuff all of my feelings inside, or to let them out and then have to deal with an extra one when I get my feelings hurt. I said “Stuff them all inside.” That wasn’t the right answer apparently. I told him that I plan to be positive and happy with my husband and mother, and when the hospital staff wheels me away I can cry or shake, or whatever I want because the hospital staff is used to that. He compared it to a parent being stoic when their child is taken to the hospital, and then crying after the child is taken away. But I’m not their parent.

I asked if I could tell him a story. I told him about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

He asked me who said it’s not right to show emotion, and I told him that my mother said that. And I know it’s not true, but after living that way for 40 or 50 years, it’s kind of hard to change.

J thought that maybe I could intellectualize my feelings and my husband and mother might be more receptive. Rather than crying and shaking I could say, “I’m feeling very anxious, my stomach is very jittery.” And you know, I might just try something like that – not because I think it is a good idea, but to see what kind of response I get. So I can go back to J and say, “I told you so.”

He asked how I was sleeping and I said pretty well, but having weird dreams. He perked up at that and asked me about the dreams, but I couldn’t remember any of them very well. I told him that they aren’t scary, just bizarre. But that frequently happens to me when I take wellbutrin. I did say that I have been very tired in the afternoons and fall asleep sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Maybe because I changed my diet. He thought maybe it is due to anxiety, even though I am not overtly anxious, it is an underlying anxiety. He said that there is a lot of uncertainty, and all I can base my imagination on is…..and at the same exact time I said “Grey’s Anatomy” and he said, “Quincy”. I said “Quincy?!?!?! He’s the guy who worked on dead people. I hope I don’t end up in the medical examiner’s office.” He apologized, and said that was the first thing that came to him. And they say nothing is an accident, right?

I told J that I made an appointment for a Reiki session today, and he thought that was great. We talked about that for a while. I’ll have to write about my Reiki another time.

So then it got to the end of the session and we were talking about when I would come back. Once again I told him that I don’t expect him to hold my space for me, and he said, again, “OK, but I will.” He said if I was someone who he only saw six times he might fill the spot with other “customers” (that is what he calls his clients). I told him I didn’t know how many sessions I would miss, but definitely next week and probably the week after. Then I should be fine. He said he thought we should have some communication, and he asked if I would mind if he emailed me next week at my time because he would be thinking about me on Tuesday at 11am. Or if I want, I could email him before that. He asked me a couple of times if I would mind if he emailed me and I said it would be fine. So we left it at that, and he said good luck and that was it.

It’s good that nothing too emotional came up since I won’t be back for two or three weeks. I want to talk to him about when I should end therapy, it’s been three years as of this week, and I feel like maybe this is as far as I can go. And when I come back we won’t have the medical stuff to talk about anymore, so will we have anything to talk about? Thinking about ending is scary and sad, I guess I’m getting kind of attached to it. It’s not terrible when I have to miss a week, and I am really anxious the morning of my session, and while I am there. But I guess it is nice having someone to talk to.

Aug 18 2011

Good News

I got some good news today. Last week I talked about my visit with the nephrologist and that she thought I might have kidney disease. I had a specific test for kidney function this week, and the results came out normal, so no kidney disease! Of course, I still have kidney cancer, but not having kidney disease as well takes away a huge amount of anxiety that I had.

And I had my MRI today, which the insurance company finally decided to pay for. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results.

It’s a relief when things work out!

Oh, and J sent me a response to my response to his response to my email (get that?). I had told him that I could add him to the list of important people that my husband should call if I die and he said,

“I’m sorry this has been a distraction. If you feel comfortable with it, then yes I would appreciate being on your call list – but, remember, you are going to be fine.”

I have no idea what he is talking about in regards to a distraction, but I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.

Today I had coffee with my good friend, and we talked a lot about my medical stuff – she is very understanding and empathetic. She lives down the street from me, and she will do anything for me (as I would for her if the situation was reversed). It’s nice to have friends.

Aug 17 2011

Friends Who Care

Yesterday evening two friends of mine, husband and wife, stopped by my house. They were out for a run and wanted to visit. It was very nice and after they left I thought to myself, “Why the hell do I care if my therapist cares about me, when I have real people in real life who care about me?” My friend said that she is going to organize the neighborhood so that my family always has food after the surgery. Of course, I played the whole thing down saying, “Well, I’ll probably be all better after three days or so, and my mom is coming for a couple of days.” She said, that’s ok, she is doing it anyway.

I emailed J, asking him if he was kidding about looking online to see if I had died. He replied this morning and said that in his recollection of events, I had asked him how he would know if I died, and unless someone told him he would check online, and he claims that he said he would do that if I missed one week, not several or many. He said we also talked about it later and were making light of the situation and he joked that after 6 weeks he would have to check it out (I don’t remember that at all!). He apologized for not fully conveying that it was a joke (that’s ok, I don’t even remember it).

Then he said that if I happened to miss a session unexpectedly “I think I’d just call you first.”

He said he hopes that this is all a moot point and that I will recover fully.

But as Laura commented on my last post, this isn’t about how J will find out I am dead. But I can’t talk to J about what it is really about, so I will just move on.

I crafted a response:

I’m sorry, I guess I have a lot on my mind and am being even more sensitive than usual. I remember the conversation a little differently, but that doesn’t mean I remember it correctly. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just call me if I didn’t show up for a while. But you’re right, it doesn’t matter, it’s not really about this anyway. That’s why I don’t like therapy sometimes.

How about if I add you to the list of people my husband should call if something happens to me, then you won’t have to check online.

I was thinking about another thing. One of the major freak out things about developing this medical condition is that my father became ill with kidney failure when he was 53. He went into the hospital for tests and never went back to work. I am 51. I have kidney problems.

BUT, and it is a big but, I do not have ANY of the medical conditions that my father had during his lifetime (the main one being uncontrolled high blood pressure). Yes, I might have kidney disease in addition to kidney cancer, and I left my pee and blood at the lab this morning so I will hopefully have an answer by the end of the week.

I am much healthier than my dad was at my age. I am very healthy in general, I eat right, exercise, have a BMI of 21, etc.

But I frequently think about what happened to my father and I get anxious. I know in my head it is a totally different situation, so I don’t know what I am anxious about. I mentioned this the last few times I saw J, but he doesn’t respond. I don’t know what that means, I will have to ask him. I don’t know if this is something I should explore in more depth, if it something even explorable (what’s to explore exactly?), but why do I keep thinking about it?

And every time I have a test I am reminded that these are the same tests my father had. So it’s not like I can even try to forget about it. I just don’t know why I think about it so much.

Aug 16 2011

Therapy Recap 8/16/11

I had a horrible night’s sleep last night, and a rushing around kind of morning, and I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in therapy today. Maybe my conversation with my mother, or the email my sister sent me (we currently do not have any communication) that said my mother told her that I am having a “procedure” and that she hopes it goes well.

But J asked me if there is anything new with the medical stuff. When you have cancer that is what you are expected to talk about, and really, there isn’t anything else. I wish there was.

I gave him the update on meeting with the kidney doctor and still not being able to have my MRI since the insurance company STILL has not approved it (rescheduled now for Thursday). We talked about how I get frustrated sometimes (insurance issues) and confused other times (trying to decide best course of treatment), and that I still don’t have all of the information, so it is hard to make a decision right now.

We also talked about my fear of illness, and how I am not afraid of dying (he had asked me if I am scared). I talked about what exactly I am afraid of when it comes to being sick and he asked me if, now that I have talked about it, I feel better. I said that, no, I don’t feel any better. He asked if I feel worse, and I said that no, I don’t feel any worse.

I told him about my conversation with my mother, and my sister’s email. And how people say if I have a positive attitude I will be cured, which makes me feel like I can’t ever say anything negative. I am positive about this medical situation maybe 90% of the time, but sometimes I get anxious, or frustrated, or confused and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. My husband tells me “Don’t be frustrated, don’t get upset.” Not helpful.

J told me that I should find a friend who gets it and talk to her, and I actually do have one friend (in real life) who I talk to and I don’t have to be totally positive all the time with her.

J asked me how I get over my anxiety when it hits, and I can honestly say I don’t know. Last week I had a couple of drinks, but I don’t think getting anxious and having it go away are a conscious process.

We talked about whether I want attention from people, or I don’t. I said that I’m conflicted, on the one hand I am minimizing the surgery and recovery, and on the other hand I am offended when people don’t take it seriously.

I asked J how he would know if I had died, if I die. He said that if he didn’t hear from me or if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks he would look online. I asked him if my obituary would be online and he said there is a website, legacy.com, that has the whole country’s obituaries. He said he would check after a couple of weeks because he would rather know sooner than later (I guess so he could fill my spot). He didn’t say he would call or email me to check, he would just look online if I didn’t show up for a while. Hmmm. That didn’t make me feel good at all.

And next week I am missing my appointment because I am meeting with the surgeon. But J didn’t suggest rescheduling, he only offers to reschedule if he needs to cancel. Whatever, I don’t feel particularly better after my session today anyway. I don’t understand the purpose of talking about all of this stuff. Like I told him, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Maybe it’s just a waste of money.