Jan 30 2009

Coaching, Anyone?

So I had another one of Sandra Lee’s apple tart-tini’s. I’m out of apple brandy so I can’t make anymore. Those things are too damn tasty, but can lead to unintentional purging of feelings, sobbing spells, and crazy blog posts. I’m glad I was only able to have one tonight.

My downward spiral continued down this morning. However, I had gotten in touch with an “Executive Coach” the other day. I had found someone on Twitter who was associated with the MBTI , she was from CPP the official publisher of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator Assessment. I asked her for a referral to someone in my area, and she gave me the info for a woman nearby. I emailed her and she phoned me this morning and we chatted for a while. I had told her initially that I wanted to take the assessment “officially”. I have taken many unofficial MBTI assessments online and from books and I was fairly certain of my type. But I thought it would be better to have it done professionally and to have it interpreted professionally. (For those of you who think this is a crock of shit, and I can understand your feelings, please feel free to skip this post.)

This woman, K, told me that she didn’t really think I needed to take the assessment, as she felt that since the description of INFJ fits me well that is most likely what I am. I told her that I don’t like being an INFJ and I would really rather be something else, but seeing as how that is impossible I would like to know what to do with myself in order to deal with the weirdnesses in my personality. Career-wise as well as personally. I told her that I don’t feel that I can be my authentic self in society, in my relationships, because I feel so different and weird. She told me that she would send me information about her services, basically she would meet with me at a location agreeable to both of us, either her office or somewhere halfway between her and me, every two weeks for three months. She recommended that the first thing to do would be to take a talents and strengths assessment and then to figure out how to combine my talents and strengths into something that would prove satisfying to my life. And she said it’s entirely possible that what I’m already doing is what I’m meant to be doing, but I am putting undue pressure on myself to do something else.

K said that many times we underplay our talents because we are good at them. We say “Well, anyone can do that.” But it’s not true. Just because we can do something well doesn’t mean everyone else can. That really struck a chord with me. I always say “Anyone can do xyz”, when really it is something I am talented at. I feel that if I can do it, why can’t everyone else? Which ties into my self esteem issues. K said that it’s a good idea for me to deal with these issues with my psychologist, and the combination of the two professionals can lead me to feeling more fulfilled and happy and satisfied with my life.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? I haven’t gotten her email yet, and I’m afraid she is going to say the fee is $3000 or something I absolutely can’t afford. But it sounds very interesting, and like something that could give me more insight into myself and my skills and talents and how to put them to best use. I’m feeling positive about this.

Has anyone ever used an “Executive Coach”? What were your experiences?

Jan 29 2009

In a Downward Spiral

I feel like shit today. Mentally and emotionally, not physically. I did manage to go out to lunch with a good friend, at which I ate too many calories, and I did do laundry. I also ran/walked 5K on the treadmill and made dinner for my husband and daughter, which I didn’t eat any of. I had yogurt. But I was still hungry so I had some pretzels. I’m in a spiral and I think it’s due to the therapy session on Tuesday.

J asking me the question about when in my life I have had higher self esteem really bothers me. Not the question, the fact that he asked me the exact same one the week before. I asked about this on the forum I frequent, and everyone reassured me that he did not forget he had already asked me that because I am boring or because I have nothing interesting to say. It’s because he sees 39 other people, and he doesn’t take notes, and he has a life, and he’s a human being. And that sounds so nice and logical and tidy.

But I am in a downward spiral thinking that my fears are all true. Why would J, a young, good looking, highly intelligent psychologist, want to listen to me? Yes, I know that is his job and I pay him (however since he participates in my insurance plan he only gets half of what his normal fee is). But I feel what I feel. That is the whole problem. I have to believe what I know is logical, rather than what I feel. How do I do that? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to learn in therapy? I’m feeling sick. I hate myself. All I can feel is that I’m boring, old, ugly, fat, and hopeless. That’s what I am.

Jan 28 2009

Therapy Recap – 1/27/09

Therapy Update 1/27/09

Yesterday was therapy. I didn’t do an update yesterday, first of all because we didn’t really talk about anything too interesting, and second of all I had the brilliant (said sarcastically) image of self worth as garlic.

So my therapist asked if I brought the list, and we talked about how the list is helping me to be able to talk about issues. How it is easier to bring things up because we can just pick a number and read it off the list, and because I don’t have to obsess about what to talk about. We did discuss how some of the things are low priority and some high, and it’s good to mix it up so that we’re not always talking about “heavy” issues.

J picked another number, but it was the body image issue, and we’ve discussed that the last couple of weeks, so I asked if he would choose another. The next one he picked was: Therapy is disjointed, non-continuous. Every week we talk about something else and nothing ever gets resolved.

He said for some issues this is true. If one had a desire to quit smoking pot, then every week they would talk about how much pot they smoked that week, and how much less they would smoke in the coming week, etc. But with the self esteem and anxiety and those type of things it might feel as though we are always talking about something different. And how just talking about these things could help resolve them. Which brought up the issue of how I feel like I’m a failure at therapy because just talking about these issues isn’t making me feel better. J thought I felt better during last week’s session, and I agreed that I felt better than I did the week before. The week before I felt like total shit during and after the session, we were talking about body image and that’s a tough subject for me to talk about. Last week we talked about self esteem in a more practical, less personal way and it was easier. We also talked about how we can spend 45 minutes talking about something when we really have more important things to talk about, but I just can’t talk about those things that day.

I told J that instead of writing in my journal I now write on a blog online. I told him that it’s easier for me to type than write, and since I’m typing I may as well put it online for others to read if they so desire. I told him that people read and comment on my blog and it makes me feel good to get that support and to know that others are going through similar situations. And I don’t have to pay those people to listen to me. He asked if the fact that I pay him taints the caring feelings, and I said yes definitely. I said that someone like him would never talk to someone like me in real life. He acted like he didn’t understand that, like what do I mean about a person like him and a person like me? We have discussed this before and I reminded him of that. I said you know what I mean, we have discussed this. He said that he was at a dinner party the other day and talked to people he didn’t know. He said that people just need a connection and they will talk to each other, and I said well we would never have a connection in real life, unless we were in a car accident and you needed my driver’s license number. He wanted more explanation. I said ok, “You are young, I am old. You are a man, I am a woman. You are a doctor and are smart, I am not. You are good looking, I am not. You would never have a connection with me if we were to meet outside of this office.” That’s what I believe and I’m sticking to it. I said that I’m basing this feeling on past experience, and he said, “Like what?” I told him like experiences I had starting in elementary school and how people always thought I was weird and ugly and nerdy.

Then we started to talk about self esteem, the same kind of thing we talked about last week. And he asked me if there was a period in my life when my self esteem was high, or higher, than it is now. I said “You already asked me that. We talked about that.” I mean, I know he has lots of other clients, but he asked me the same exact question last week. I said, “Think!” I felt bad putting him on the spot, so I said that yes, my self esteem was higher when I was in my 30′s. Then the lightbulb went off in his head and he remembered us talking about it. How much is it reasonable to expect one’s therapist to remember what we’ve talked about? Not to mention it reconfirms my feeling that what I’m talking about is so uninteresting that my therapist can’t even remember that we talked about it.

We talked about high school, and popular kids, and how I didn’t go to my high school reunions after the first one, and how I’m on Facebook and reconnected with people from school, but of course not the popular people, and how I came to believe I was weird, ugly and nerdy and I still feel that way. He asked how I can get back to the good feeling of self esteem from my 30′s and I said I can’t. I said, is it an issue of getting back to that feeling, or just accepting the way I am now?

Then we talked about how I believe that J thinks self esteem is influenced by things, like having a job, or having friends. And I believe that feeling good or bad about things like jobs and friends is influenced by self esteem. If one has high self esteem and gets hurt by a friend, chances are that person won’t be as affected by it as someone who has low self esteem. But I could have a great job and great friends, and I still will have low self esteem.

We talked about “Survivor” and whether those people are self conscious because they are dirty and don’t shower, and pee in public, etc. I said I thought that the contestants on Survivor must all have pretty high self esteem before they start. Which led to a discussion of “Biggest Loser”, a show I don’t understand at all. I just don’t understand how these people do this show. I applaud their desire to lose weight and get in shape, but I would never ever ever ever wear bike shorts and a sports bra and stand on a scale in front of the entire world, and I weigh at least 100 pounds less than the smallest person on the show. I told J how I like the show at the beginning, I do realize that the contestants are much larger than me (my body image isn’t that skewed, I don’t think I look like I weigh 300 pounds), but towards the end of the show I start to compare myself to the contestants. Seeing what they look like and how much they weigh I think, “Do I look like that? Do my thighs look like that?” It’s crazy.

J wants me to think this week about how much I experience low vs high self esteem. How much self consciousness I feel. For example, I can spend two hours cooking a meal for friends and feel good, but when I serve the meal I’ll feel self conscious. And if anyone criticizes my meal I would definitely suffer a slump in self esteem. I’m not crazy about this homework assignment, which I’m usually not actually, but whatever – I’ll think about it.

It’s been a somewhat sad day for me. My dad died 11 years ago today. I facebooked my sister and my aunt and we reminisced about him. I called my mom, and she didn’t even mention him, which is what happens every year. I brought up the subject of dad, and she said, yes, she knows. My husband hasn’t said a word. He saw the memorial candle lit in the kitchen, and he saw it right on the calendar. Is it too much for him to say “Today is the day your dad died – how are you doing?” My friend says that’s not a guy thing to do. I can’t imagine just ignoring the anniversary of someone’s parent’s death, whether one is a man or a woman. But maybe I’m wrong. I wonder what my dad would think.

Jan 27 2009

The Icky Part In The Middle

Here is a nice head of garlic:

garlic 1

It’s made up of a bunch of cloves, as you know. And when they are fresh and new they have a pale core in the middle:

garlic 2

But as they age the core gets darker:

garlic 3

And then after some more time the core gets really dark and icky:

garlic 4

And that’s my metaphor for self worth. Self worth is garlic. It starts off fresh and pale, unharmed by words or deeds from the other cloves. But after a while the other cloves notice that the little clove is weird, or different, or misshapen, or ugly. The little clove doesn’t taste any different than the other cloves, and hasn’t done anything to make the other cloves mad or sad. But the other cloves don’t like it anyway. And its core turns a little green.

And once it starts to turn green it becomes a cycle. The little clove starts to believe that it is weird and different and ugly. It doesn’t know how it got that way, but it’s surrounded by the other cloves who continually mock it. And its core gets dark and icky.

And once the core of the clove gets dark and icky there is no way for it turn back. A garlic core will never become fresh and pale once it gets dark. The only way to remedy the little clove is to remove its core; do a core-ectomy so to speak. But without its core it’s just an empty clove. It’s really no better to be an empty clove than an icky clove. Something needs to go into the empty space.

I’m not sure how to get the icky self worth out and if I can get it out, what is supposed to fill in the space?

Jan 26 2009

Balance Part 2 – With Visuals

I got out my triple beam balance (doesn’t everyone have one of these?) to use as a visual display of my feelings of worthiness in terms of my parenting skills. Specifically in regard to my son. So I started with 30 pennies on the scale.

30 pennies

They weighed a little over 80 grams.

start weight

Then I added and substracted pennies from the pile to see how I would end up. Here we go:

I took care of my son, was a stay at home mom, patient even though he was difficult. +1

Researched his sleep problems, consulted with doctor to get him to sleep +1

Breast fed for 8 weeks +2

Gave up breast feeding after 8 weeks -3

Let him sleep in our bed/room until he was 3 -5

(I’ll cut out the rest of the boring photos until the end)

Recognized his intellectual abilities at a young age and encouraged him +1

Let him start playing video games at 18 months old -3

Convinced the doctor that there was something more wrong with him than chicken pox when he was 2 +3

Took me a week to convince the doctor -3

Got really angry with him once when he was 2 and shook him -5

Worked hard to convince his school in kindergarten that he needed more advanced work +2

Couldn’t get the school to believe me -2

Got him into the gifted and talented program in 1st grade +1

Convinced my husband that was the right school for him +3

Chose a neighborhood with a good school when we moved specifically to get away from our old school +1

When my son was in 4th grade and having problems I couldn’t convince my husband that he needed a different school -3

Did convince my husband to spend the $$ for psych/ed testing +2

Accepted the report of the psychologist even though I questioned the results -3

Tried to get my son special ed services by having many meetings at the school +1

Couldn’t get them to agree that he was eligible for services -1

Repeated this process a few more times over the years +5/-5

Got my son a good therapist for his anxieties +1

Convinced my husband that my son needed antidepressants according to his therapist and psychiatrist +3

Let my son spend too much time playing video and computer games -5

In high school, started my son in therapy again +2

Didn’t quit therapy even though I knew something was wrong -2

Accepted the recommendation of the neuropsych that the therapist recommended -5

Asked her all the right questions during our initial interview +1

Couldn’t get her to understand the concerns I had about the testing and felt she didn’t listen to me -3

Did get her to remove the diagnosis “schizoid personality disorder” out of her report +3

Got my son an IEP +1

Wrote his IEP since the school didn’t do it in their 30 day time requirement and the school accepted it +3

Wrote letters to the school administration when the IEP wasn’t being followed +1

Let him play World of Warcraft -5

Went to my own therapist to get support for getting him off of World of Warcraft +1

Listened to the therapist when he told me to let my son play World of Warcraft because it was good for his self esteem -3

I ended up with 13 pennies:

which weighed 35 grams:

end weight

So in the process of raising my son I lost 17 pennies and 45 grams. You know what 17 pennies represents to me? A huge amount of guilt, regret, remorse, sadness, and self hatred. There is no way I could ever repay my son that 17¢, and the things I did/didn’t do will affect him forever. Now I know that I can’t go back and change anything. All I can do is encourage him and be understanding of him, but I really have to work hard at not letting him get away with things because of my guilt. We do have a great relationship, and he doesn’t blame me for anything as far as I can tell. He’s not a big talker, but he does talk to me occasionally. I’m hoping that our relationship will continue to be a good one as he gets older, and that as he matures and his brain develops he’ll become a successful, kind, happy person.

Jan 25 2009

Quick Post

We’re leaving soon for the big family birthday dinner for my sister-in-law and nephew. But I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and leaves comments. I feel good after I write a post and get buried thoughts and feelings out of myself, and I also feel good knowing that maybe I’m not so weird after all. There are other people out there who have experienced some of the same things as I have, or who feel the same way. So thank you.

My daughter had about 20 girls from her youth group here from 3PM yesterday until 9AM this morning. They are all 16 and 17 years old. They are so full of life and energy and exuberance, and they all seem so happy. I know for a fact that some of them really aren’t that happy, and are already suffering from anxiety and/or depression and/or ED. It breaks my heart that these young vibrant beautiful girls who have their whole lives in front of them can be hurting. I guess it’s because I felt that way when I was that age. Luckily the mental health profession has progressed quite a bit since I was a teenager, and there are great ways of treating mental illness now.

I look forward to seeing how the girls turn out in 10, 20, 30 years. They have so much potential.

Jan 24 2009

I Really Shouldn’t Drink

Wow, I’m so embarrassed. I don’t cry in front of people, especially my mother-in-law. We’re not exactly close, and she can be very critical and judgemental, so I tend to not tell her much. Somehow we got to talking about my son and that is always an emotional subject for me. I’ve mentioned my son a couple times, but never really talked about him. He is 18 now and in college. But there was something different about him from birth. Everyone thinks their child is special and different, and every child is. But I’m talking about different in a different way, you know?

I had a pretty normal birth experience, well there was the 54 hours of dysfunctional labor before the c-section, but otherwise normal. As a baby he was hard to settle down, never slept through the night, had terrible separation anxiety. He slept with us until he was three. Once he got too big for the bed we moved a little bed into our room that we put next to our bed and he slept in there. We got a lot of grief from “well meaning” friends and family about that.

He was fascinated by letters and numbers as a baby. He loved to be read to and he could tell if I missed a word or page. He adored Sesame Street and Wheel of Fortune and they calmed him down when he was over stimulated. He started to read on his own when he was two. Not just words, he could read a newspaper or magazine. He had no idea what any of it meant, but he could read it. Even words like “Psychology” he would pronounce correctly. He was fascinated with maps and math. He knew the capitals of every state by age three and the he could tear pieces of cheese into shapes of states. He could add and subtract with ease – he would say its 6:48, Sesame Street starts in 12 minutes! After doing research about learning disabilities a couple of years ago I realize that these abilities are due to a strong rote memory.

My son had a lot of sensitivities. He couldn’t wear uncomfortable clothing, he didn’t like loud noises, crowds, smelly things and was a very picky eater. When we would take him to a concert like “Sesame Street Live” we would have to sit at the very top of the arena as far from the action as possible. My husband took him to a professional hockey game once. He made it through the national anthem, then the crowd went wild yelling and stomping and my son freaked out and they had to leave. Even the phone ringing would send him into a panic.

At nursery school the teachers loved him. He wouldn’t play with the other kids, he’d sit and chat with the teachers. They were amazed at his ability to read, do math, understand measurements, and know the names of everything. He had very poor fine and gross motor skills and couldn’t really keep up with the other kids on the playground, so he’d just sit on a bench with the teachers.

His kindergarten teacher told me that he was very smart, but had poor social skills. He was very bored in kindergarten, and I met with the principal many times to get more interesting activities for him. The school library wouldn’t let my son take out books unless they were from the kindergarten section, even though he was reading on a 5th grade level. I asked if perhaps the reading specialist could help him choose some books, but I was told the reading specialist was much too busy to deal with kindergarteners.

Since kindergarten was half day I thought maybe he could spend the rest of the day in a first grade class. The principal took him to first grade one day, and reported back to me that my son was very intimidated and it wouldn’t work. They gave him a placement test, which was a written test. Unfortunately due to his poor fine motor skills most of the questions were marked incorrect because they couldn’t read the answers. If they had given him an oral test he would have scored 100% on a fifth grade level.

I decided I didn’t want him at that school after kindergarten, so I took him to a magnet school for gifted and talented students. He was tested, using appropriate tests for gifted children who couldn’t yet write, and he passed with flying colors. Then there was a lottery, since there were so many applicants. He got in, and he ended up going to that school for 1st and 2nd grades. I had to put up with a lot of grief from “well meaning” friends and family for that decision – taking my son from his home school halfway across the county. It was a good experience for him.

Then we moved to a new school area, since my daughter was starting school and they couldn’t be in two different schools. So he moved to our new local school and it started out well. Fourth grade things went way downhill. He had a very critical teacher, the class size was too large, and his grades, although average, didn’t reflect his abilities. I tried to convince my husband that my son needed a special school, a private school, but he didn’t agree and said we couldn’t afford it. I did convince DH to let me take our son to a reputable hospital with a gifted testing department. He had a full neuro-psych test, which was expensive, and was diagnosed with ADHD. I disagreed with that diagnosis, but who was I to argue with a world renowned hospital? He had a high IQ, but a large descrepancy between his verbal and performance IQs, and a lot of subtest scatter. We put him on ritalin and then concerta, neither of which did a thing for him except cause him to lose weight.

Throughout this time my son was still suffering from anxiety and sensitivities. I decided to take him to a therapist. She was amazing, and helped him so much. She also recommended I take him to a psychiatrist who put him on zoloft. DH was very opposed to this, but decided to give it a try. It’s hard to put a 9 year old on antidepressants, I can’t argue with that. But the change in him was amazing. He was so much more calm and controlled. He focused much better in class too. So much for ADHD.

Since I now had a diagnosis I thought I could get my son either an IEP or a 504 from school. We had yet another meeting, and I was told that as long as he was performing at an average level on grade level work he was not eligible for special ed services. It doesn’t matter that he was not working up to his potential. (Things have changed since then by the way, so the criteria are much different now.) I was very frustrated. It didn’t seem like there was anything I could do to help him become successful in school and enjoy it as well. His fine and gross motor skills continued to be poor and he wouldn’t play with the other kids outside at recess. He liked to stay in and “help” the teacher. I had his fine motor skills tested and was told they were not bad enough to warrant occupational therapy. But the teachers kept writing notes on his papers saying “Messy” “I can’t read this”. But he didn’t know what to do about it. I took him to a handwriting tutor, which helped a little. He was forming his letters incorrectly, which he still does, but now he types everything so it doesn’t matter.

In fifth grade he just gave up. He stopped doing all work in and out of school, and his grades weren’t great. The grades continued to be average, because of his intelligence he did well on tests and that alone was enough to keep his grades high enough to keep him out of special ed. His outside life consisted of hanging out at home playing video games and computer games. We tried various sports, but he wasn’t good at them and hated them. We also had therapy every once in a while, but he never was cooperative enough to benefit.

In sixth grade I had him tested again, at a different hospital, but still a well known Children’s hospital. Again they said he had ADHD and executive dysfunction. I tried again with the school system, but again was told he wasn’t eligible. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall. I again told my DH that our son needed a special school, and again he said no.

Skip to 11th grade. I couldn’t stand the fact that the grades were now going even further down, from C’s to D’s and even an occasional F. I found a new therapist, who I immediately felt a rapport with and thought would be great. His story will be another blog entry. My son saw him for over a year. Therapeutically absolutely no progress was made, however the therapist did help me get my son special ed services. He referred us to a neuro-psychologist who did another round of testing (even more expensive). By this time I was convinced that my son had Non Verbal Learning Disability. I did a lot of research and talked to a lot of people – parents and professionals. I specifically asked this neuro-psych if she was familiar with this disability and if she had experience testing gifted kids. She assured me she did.

What was her diagnosis? It pains me to say. First, ADHD. Of course. When in doubt a kid always has ADHD. Second, dysgraphia. I agreed with that, yay! Finally someone validated my knowledge that my son couldn’t write. Third, schizoid personality disorder. Needless to say I was shocked about that one. He was only 16 years old and she was diagnosing him with a personality disorder? I was stunned, I was crying, I asked the therapist if he thought it was true. He didn’t know what to say, he seemed surprised also. I made her take that out of her report. I did not want my son having a personality disorder label at age 16, especially since his symptoms didn’t meet the criteria, in my opinion. Later my son began to see a psychiatrist for medication management, and the psychiatrist was very concerned and dismayed that the diagnosis was made. He thought it was totally inappropriate.

I still thought my son had Non verbal Learning Disability, and when I asked the neuro-psych why she didn’t think so she gave me a couple of reasons that had nothing to do with the criteria for the disability. NVLD isn’t in the DSM, so there are no specific criteria, but it’s what I think his diagnosis is and no one is going to change my mind. He meets all of the unofficial criteria according to all of the research that has been done to date.

So second semester junior year my son started with a special ed teacher, and was in supported classes. He managed to graduate high school, and got into a good college with a scholarship! Not a very academically challenging college, but it’s a good one. He started in September and took four classes. He failed three and got a D in the fourth. He lost his scholarship. We have told him that he needs to get 2.0 with no F’s this quarter or he comes home. I don’t want him to come home though. He is enjoying being away from home, he finally has a social life, and there would be nothing for him to do here.

So all of my MIL’s other grandchildren (she has 6 others) are great kids. Great at sports, average to smart, good in school, all around great kids. My son is the one who is different. He’s a great kid, just different. I was different too when I was a child, so I guess he inherited these things from me. And due to having too many of Sandra Lee’s appletini cocktails I got all emotional and had a long teary conversation with MIL which I regret immensely. We’re having a big family dinner tomorrow night – I’m dreading it. It’s all Sandra Lee’s fault.

I’ll write another blog post one day about how I feel about my parenting skills in raising my son and how I feel about all of the mistakes I made along the way. A lot of my current issues are related to this.

Jan 23 2009

Wasted

I am wasted. I drank two drinks and I’m on my third. Each one has 4 ounces of liquor in it. I was watching the food channel, and Sandra Lee was making a cocktail that looked really good. It involved grenadine and sweet and sour mix, neither of which I had, but I found recipes for on the internet. So I made some grenadine out of pomegranate juice and sugar, and made sweet and sour mix out of water, sugar, lemon juice, and lime juice. The drinks have rum, apple brandy, grenadine and sweet and sour mix. Considering I’ve had about 400 calories today and ran/jogged almost 3 miles in 35 minutes, I’m officially wasted. My husband is bringing me home wonton soup.

Due to this state of inebriation, I just got off the phone with my MIL. We had a deep conversation in which I cried, which I do not in front of people, or on the phone with people. We were talking about my son, and I got very emotional. I really need to stop drinking.

I cannot go to yoga at 9am tomorrow. I’m going to feel ill when I wake up. ugh.

Jan 22 2009

Balance

Sometimes I feel like I am in total balance. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. And sometimes I’m not. Last week at yoga I felt in total control of my balance, which has never happened since I started yoga in April. I actually was able to do tree pose with my foot resting on my leg above my knee – I usually do it the beginner’s way with my foot resting against my shin. But I was the yoga diva that day apparently and I did the advanced tree pose without faltering once. On both sides! I even did Half Moon Pose without falling over, although with a block (don’t want anyone to think I’m that good at yoga).

I guess I got a little cocky and the next time I went to yoga I thought to myself “I’m a pro at yoga now, I can balance better than anyone!” Ha! That night I couldn’t do tree pose for beans. The beginner’s way, or any way. Crescent Pose is virtually impossible for me, and it was definitely that night. If I don’t put my knee down I fall right over.

I didn’t do anything between these two sessions to affect my balance (i.e., get a concussion), it’s just my body being in sync or not. It’s not good or bad, and it’s not just physical either. A lot of effort in yoga is mental, and maybe the day that my body was balancing so well it was because I was feeling balanced in my mind. I should have made notes about how I felt that day, but I never thought of it at the time.

I have trouble with balance. I either have too much to do, or not enough. I’m either wanting to be with everyone I know all the time, or never. I either hate myself, or….never mind that one, I can’t really say there are times I don’t hate myself. There are times I question whether I hate myself and that’s a start though. I need to make a commitment to myself. I’ll never feel good about myself unless I figure out why I feel so bad about myself. I need to balance my bad thoughts with better thoughts. I’ve never killed anyone, I try to not ever even hurt anyone! My kids are healthy and not in jail, that’s my therapist’s standard for raising them properly. OK, so maybe I’m not as bad at parenting as I’ve convinced myself.

I have a triple balance scale (back from my soap making days). I need to dig that thing out and play with it. It’s a lot more hands-on than a digital scale, and I think it will make for some great visualization exercises. Let’s say I yelled at my daughter for making a big mess in the house and she started to cry. That’s a 100 gram demerit. But I make her healthy meals, and do her laundry when she’s busy studying, and I taught her to drive, and I help her with homework. I’d say those things are worth 20 grams each. Balance – I think I can make it work.

Here’s a photo of some socks I made. I love to knit socks, and I love to wear my handmade socks too.

socks

And here is a stained glass mosaic that I made a couple of years ago:

mosaic

Jan 21 2009

My Personality

I don’t know how accurate the Myers-Briggs Personality test is, but I have been doing a lot of reading about personality types over the last year. I’ve taken the test a few times, and different variations of the test. I’ve never had it done by a professional and I think it would be very interesting to have this done. At first I wasn’t sure if I was an INFJ or an ISFJ but it seems like I’m more N than S. Now when I take the test the N is very dominant, but it might be due to the emotional stage that I’m in in my life right now, or just the fact that I know the right answers to the test. Some of the questions are quite challenging – it took me a long time, weeks, months, to decide between justice and mercy, for example. So here is a little graphic of my results as they are this week:

It’s a fun thing to do regardless of whether it means anything. Here is a brief description of an INFJ:

INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and thereby human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations.

I was frankly surprised when I first read a description of an INFJ – I thought, wow, that’s me! There must be other people out there who are actually like me, if there is a personality type dedicated to us. I just don’t know any of them in real life.

As for the multiple intelligences part, it seems I am strong in the Intrapersonal area. This means apparently:

“People with intrapersonal intelligence are adept at looking inward and figuring out their own feelings, motivations and goals. They are introspective and seek understanding. They are intuitive and typically introverted. They learn best independently.” I think that describes me well also.

I don’t think I ever posted a photo of my tattoo after I talked about it. Here it is:

dragonfly

Here’s another knitted item. Like I said I’m a process knitter, not a product knitter. I’ve never worn this.

vest

And here is a Red Velvet Cake, my favorite!

cake

Harriet M. Welch

Monthly Archives: January 2009