Monthly Archives: March 2009

Mar 31 2009

Therapy Recap 3/31/09

This morning I met with my life coach, then had a half hour to kill, then went to therapy. I don’t usually like to have things like that back to back, but I’m getting used to the life coach and I’m enjoying my time with her, so it was a good thing today.

I was particularly anxious about therapy today, after last week’s email exchange with J, my therapist. So I arrived, and sat on the couch, shaking and teeth chattering more than usual and told J I wouldn’t be coming in next week because we are going away for the week. Then J said, “Who’s talking first?” I let him talk first, and he actually talked about 95% of the time. I wonder if he likes me as a patient, because he gets to talk. I’m sure there are a lot of patients who talk and talk and talk, and he doesn’t get to say much. But not me! I let him talk as much as his heart desires.

J asked me if I knew about transference and counter transference and he talked about those phenomena for awhile. Yeah, I know about them. I said I wasn’t sure I believed in them, but I understand the concepts. He used examples from our interactions in his explanations.

He talked about being real, and that he has to be real when he is relating to me, which I appreciate. We talked about the email and how he forgot some things that I thought were really important. He said that other patients will sometimes say “How did you remember that?” when he is talking to them about a minor detail. I said, “Oh, everyone else except me?”

I asked him if he thought I was too sensitive. He went into a whole explanation of sensitive and the bell curve and feelings vs. thoughts vs. actions, and feelings aren’t wrong. I think he was saying that he didn’t think I am too sensitive, but I’m not sure.

J talked about my discomfort with being in therapy and how email can be helpful. I brought up the fact that I feel bad about taking more of his time, and he assured me that is not an issue. He said that it’s helpful for us to talk about, I can’t remember his exact wording, but I think he meant our relationship. He said my situation is somewhat different than others because there is not a specific “symptom” like alcoholism or overeating. I asked, but aren’t those just symptoms of larger issues? And he said yes, but they are something that he can latch onto and work with.

He said my problems fall into the areas of self value, feeling like I am boring, uninteresting and not worthy of therapy, and being “typecast”. Like – oh here comes Harriet the one who cuts herself and obsesses about dogs in ovens.

So anyway, he felt my email was “real” and thinks if I can communicate more, and more authentically, via email then I should do that. He feels that if his and my relationship could be better it would help me have better relationships with others. He talked about the fact that there are surface things and deeper things, and if we can work out both it would be great, but even if we just work out the surface things it would be a good thing.

He said he knows how difficult it was for me to tell him about the SI and he really appreciates me telling him things and it might seem like he has “latched on” to this because it’s something that I’ve finally told him that he could work with. He said most people’s therapy is more linear because there is a specific problem, whereas mine is broader.

So I feel like it was good session and I’m somewhat nervous about dealing with our “relationship” (I don’t really believe that whatever it is between a therapist and a patient is a relationship) because I don’t want to develop any kind of unhealthy attachment to J. I guess I should mention that to him.

I think with our conversation today about transference it might be a good time to tell him about D. D is the reason I originally went to see J about a year ago. I told J that I was obsessing about a man (D) who I had a “business relationship” with. I daydreamed about him all the time, and I finally ended our relationship because I thought that would help me get over him. What I didn’t tell J is that D was my son’s therapist. I didn’t tell him because first of all I thought he might know him since they both work with adolescents and young adults and their paths may cross. I also didn’t tell him because I was afraid he would just say “Oh, that’s transference, it’s normal, there’s nothing you can do about that.”

I might write J an email and tell him all about D – everything I left out of the story. Thinking about doing that makes me really anxious. But I can write the email and not send it. Maybe I’ll just write it and see how I feel.

Mar 30 2009

My Ideal Life

My life coach wants me to write about my ideal life. I’m sure she doesn’t mean things like not cutting myself with razor blades when I feel down, more likely things having to do with careers and family, etc. So here goes:

My ideal life would include:

A job I enjoy – gives me a feeling of satisfaction, has flexibility, appropriate compensation
Time to do volunteer work
Ability to give to my favorite charities
Time to spend with family and friends
A house large enough to entertain
Time and money to take a vacation every year
Ability to send my kids to college without getting into major debt
Time to purchase and prepare healthy meals
Time for exercise
Time for hobbies – crafts, reading, cooking, music, photography, learning new skills

The same things everyone wants, right?

Mar 28 2009

Ick – I’ve Been Depressing, Haven’t I?

Last night I decided to get all my blog entries since I started in December, put them in a Word document and print them out. So that took a while, and I read most of them, and GOD! How depressing! Just reading about my life depressed me. I’ve got to cut that out. I’m going to try to write more positive than negative. Or at least keep the depressing ones to Tuesdays and Wednesdays – my most depressing days.

The document was 130 pages long, so I sent it to Kinko’s to have them print it out. Picked it up today, put it in a nice new binder and now I’ll just add every day’s entry to the binder. Just in case I ever want to read it. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to burn it before I die.

Today I had a conference for the organization that I work for in my advocacy with my foster child. My supervisor had asked me to be a presenter with her. Our workshop was about writing court reports and there was also a judge presenting so that the participants got the viewpoints of the judge, the supervisor and the actual writer of the report – me. There were a lot more people in the room than I thought there would be, and I was anxious. But I had an outline prepared and people seemed really interested and asked questions. I even made a little joke and everyone laughed. So I really stepped out of my comfort zone, but I feel I was successful and everyone said it was great.

Tonight my husband and I went to see “I Love You Man” and it was so amazing – in that “40 Year Old Virgin” kind of way (another of my favorite comedy films). My husband doesn’t usually laugh out loud, and he laughed a lot in this movie, and so did I. Like laughing hysterically. I can’t wait for it to come out on cable so I can Tivo it. I have my favorite movies Tivo’d so I can watch the parts I like over and over at any time. Some of my favorites in this genre are “Along Came Polly”, “Meet the Parents”, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, “50 First Dates”, “40 Year Old Virgin”, “Dan in Real Life”, “You, Me and Dupree”, “Failure to Launch”, “Zoolander”, and “Wedding Crashers”. Those keep me pretty busy. None would win any awards, but they are amusing and entertaining.

I do have good movies Tivo’d too – and I watch them a lot. Ones like “Pulp Fiction”, “Brokeback Mountain”, “Alpha Dog”, “12 Monkeys”, “The Good Girl”, “Benny and Joon”, “Shawshank Redemption”, and “Edward Scissorhands”. I usually just fast forward to the parts I like and watch them over and over.

So I’m going to be more positive. Maybe if I write more positive entries I’ll feel more positive. Possible? We’ll see.

Mar 27 2009

Gnocchi Recipe and Email Details

Got an email from my therapist last night in which he apologized for offending me and did admit he used the word “strange” when he meant to say “unique”. I can’t really say I prefer one over the other, it’s the idea that counts. He said again that my issue is unique (which I don’t think it is) and the mechanism I use to reduce anxiety and negative feelings is unique (which I don’t think it is). But he insisted that he was not being judgmental, he understands that I felt that he was judging me, he’ll try to express himself more carefully in the future, and he has no judgmental feelings towards me.

He said he feels that I express myself best in writing or pictures, or perhaps he receives my messages better when I use that form of expression, and he acknowledged my difficulty during our sessions.

So I emailed him back, half jokingly, asking if we could do all of our therapy via email. And he emailed me back saying that he was thinking we should stick to writing, not instead of regular therapy, but in addition. And here I was all this time trying to use writing prudently, because I thought the “proper” way to have therapy is to talk. But if he encourages me to show him my writing and photos and collages and slide shows, wow, I’ll be cured before you know it!

I still plan to talk with him about the whole “unique/strange” issue and my way of dealing with strong emotions. I don’t understand what he means exactly. As for being judgmental, I really don’t think it is possible for a therapist to be totally non-judgmental. He has to be judging me all the time, on a professional level anyway, to determine how I’m doing, how therapy is working, etc. I know I judge him, and I think it’s a fairly automatic thing to happen if one is human. I just don’t think I need to know all of his judgments all the time, you know?

And here is my Gnocchi recipe. It’s time consuming, but worth it. The key to light fluffy gnocchi is to NOT handle it too much. Be very gentle with it. I hope you like it.

Gnocchi Gratin

For the gnocchi:
2 1/2 pounds russet potatoes
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon kosher salt
2 cups unbleached flour — plus extra for dusting

For the white sauce:
2 cups whole milk
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

For the gratin:
1/4 pound parmesan cheese — finely grated
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 tablespoon bread crumbs — finely ground (I use panko)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prick the potatoes once or twice. Place on oven rack and bake about 1 1/2 hours. Remove from oven and set on counter to cool.

potatoes

Cut potatoes in half lengthwise. Scoop out the potato flesh. Put through the small holes of a ricer, allowing potatoes to fall onto a large baking sheet. Spread out the potatoes on the baking sheet and let cool completely.

ricer

Beat the eggs with the salt. Drizzle eggs over potatoes. Sprinkle 1 cup of flour over the potatoes. Using a bench scraper, scoop, lift, and fold the potatoes to mix them with the eggs and flour until a coarse dough forms.

Sprinkle 1/4 cup of flour onto a large pastry board. Spread the potato mixture onto the board and sprinkle with another 1/4 cup flour. Scoop, life and fold until flour is incorporated. Work in only as much of the final 1/2 cup of flour as needed for a smooth dough (I don’t usually add this last 1/2 cup flour). Shape the dough into a ball, dust with flour, and cover with a bowl.

Dust two large baking sheets with flour. Using the bench scraper, scrape the work surface clean and then dust it with flour. Cut the dough into 8 pieces and place 7 of them under the bowl.

Place the dough piece on the board and shape it into a short cylinder. Roll back and forth to elongate it slowly into a narrow log about 1/2″ in diameter.

Cut the log into 3/4″ pillow shaped pieces. Place them in a single layer, not touching, onto the baking sheets. Cut the remaining dough the same way. Cover the sheets with aluminum foil and refrigerate for at least 1 hour or overnight.

gnocchi

Make the white sauce. Warm the milk in the microwave a minute or two. Melt the butter in a pan, add the flour and cook for 2 – 3 minutes. Remove from heat and add the warm milk, whisking constantly. Add the salt, return to heat and cook until smooth and thick, about 1 minute. Remove from heat.

white sauce

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Butter a 9 x 13 baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil and add 2 tablespoons salt. Put a colander in the sink.

A few at a time, drop half of the gnocchi into the boiling water and stir. Let cook until they rise to the surface, about 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, remove from water and drain in colander. Cook remaining gnocchi and drain.

Put the first batch of gnocchi into the baking dish. Top with half of the white sauce and then half of the cheese. Top with the second batch of gnocchi, the remaining sauce, and the remaining cheese. Cut the butter into small bits and dot over the surface. Sprinkle with bread crumbs.

Bake until golden brown, about 30 minutes. Remove from oven, place on rack and let rest for 10 minutes.

gnocchi gratin

Mar 26 2009

I Got Through My Day!

Doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment, does it? Getting through a day. Ooh, what a thrill.

But when I woke up I felt a feeling of dread. How am I going to get through this day? There are so many hours in a day.

I visited my foster child this morning (to be clear – he is not actually my foster child. I call him “my” foster child, but I am actually his court appointed advocate. He has foster parents with whom he lives.) Since he lives 50 miles away from me this took a good amount of time. I cried pretty much the whole way there. Got that out of my system. I stopped at the grocery store and library on the way home to stretch out the time and listened to an audiobook. I’ve been listening to this audiobook for months – Dumas Key by Stephen King. It’s good, but I’m rarely in the mood to listen to it.

Then I sent my therapist an email asking him what his policy is about emailing between sessions. Then I made lunch, and I ate it.

Today is my son’s last day at home, so I made one of his favorite meals – gnocchi. It’s labor intensive and took a good part of the day, which was a good thing. Kept me busy.

Got an email back from therapist saying he encourages emails between sessions, he finds them useful. So I wrote an email to him, explaining how I feel since our session Tuesday. I was afraid to hit that send button, but I did it. I started to think that maybe none of the stuff I thought happened really happened. Maybe I made it all up in my mind. But I looked back at my blog entry for Tuesday and I know what I wrote was true. I felt kind of better after I sent the email. Haven’t heard back from him yet, I wonder what he’s thinking. That’s what gets me in trouble – wondering what he’s thinking.

So I made the kids gnocchi, and then I made a healthy dinner for my husband and I. It’s now 8PM and I only have another 2 hours before I get to go to bed. I don’t know why I go to bed at 10, because I never fall asleep until after 11. But I’m still reading the book I got the other day – Attachment in Psychotherapy. It’s very interesting, I recommend it to anyone who has attachment issues, or knows someone who does. My “foster child” has serious attachment issues. So I read for awhile before I go to actual sleep.

I was emailing with my foster child’s attorney today, and she told me that he said “Harriet is the only person who listens to me.” Wow, that made me feel good. I’m the low man on the totem pole when it comes to getting things done for him – priority always goes to his social workers, foster parents, the judge, etc. But the fact that he thinks I listen to him, and I do, really made me feel useful. At least if I can’t do anything else for him I can listen to him. I know I’m a good listener.

My son decided at 6:15PM to bring down his laundry for me to wash. I’m taking him to the airport at 10AM tomorrow. I couldn’t yell at him though. It’s his last night at home and I don’t want to spoil it. He’s up in his room chatting with friends and playing World of Warcraft as usual. I guess he’ll stay up all night until it’s time to go.

So I have to go put his clothes in the dryer. Now I only have about one hour and 45 minutes until I can go to bed. I got through a day.

Mar 25 2009

What Kind of Mother Am I?

My son has been home on his spring break since Thursday night. I don’t see him much. He sleeps all day and is up all night. He is in his room all the time with the door closed, on the computer chatting with his friends and playing World of Warcraft.

He hasn’t showered since he got home, he’s wearing dirty clothes, he doesn’t brush his teeth. His hair is dirty and greasy and he doesn’t smell very good.

Somehow my husband convinced him to go with him to a basketball game tonight. He asked me to drive him to the subway (he is almost 19 and he doesn’t drive). So we got in the car and I asked if he had a subway card. “No.” I asked if he had any money. “No.” So I go back inside the house to get the subway card that is always on the side of the refrigerator, but it wasn’t there. I realized my daughter had used it last. I call up the stairs to her to ask her where the subway card is. She says, “I don’t know.”

I get back in car and ask my son what he was planning on doing so that he could get a subway card. He said, “Don’t you have any money?” I told him I had no cash. I asked him what he is going to do and he replied in a nasty tone, “I don’t know.” So naturally, like the idiot I am, I stopped at the atm on the way to the subway and got some cash. I threw a $20 at him. We rode the rest of the way in silence, I knew if I was going to speak I would burst into tears. I’ve been emotionally unstable since leaving therapy yesterday at noon. When we got there he got out of the car and didn’t say goodbye and neither did I. I hate when I leave people like that because I obsess about something happening to one of us and then we’d feel guilty for the rest of our lives for leaving angrily.

And the whole way to the subway I’m thinking about how gross my son is – he stinks, he’s filthy, he wastes all his time, he is on academic probation and might get kicked out of school next week which would mean I have to drive 6 hours to Ohio to pack him up and bring him home, he won’t get help at school. He’s incredibly smart, and he wastes his intelligence and there isn’t anything I can do about it. And then I think I’m a horrible mother, what kind of mother would think her child is gross? And then I think that I did this to him – I didn’t get him the help he needed while he was in elementary and middle school, even though I thought I tried, but I didn’t do well enough. So what right do I have to think that my son is gross?

And then I came home and my daughter had left a mess all over the house from doing a project for one of her classes in high school, and I was pissed off that she took the subway card and didn’t put it back and now claims she doesn’t know where it is. I feel an incredible surge of anger welling in me and I don’t know what to do with it. How can I be so angry with my own children? I’m a disgusting person. I don’t know if this is me, or if this is a reaction to what happened in therapy yesterday. I mean, I know it’s me, but can I blame any of it on my therapist and the fact that he is supposed to be nonjudgmental and he wasn’t? That he accused me of being “strange” and then tried to get out of it by saying he is bad with words.

I’m fucked up and all of my encounters are fucked up. So now I have a gash on my hand from my episode with the razor blade last night, I have a sore shoulder from the tetanus shot I got today, and I’m having a quiet evening with my friend Jack Daniels. Because I’m a screwed up person and I can’t even do therapy right. I can’t do anything right. And my kids probably think I hate them, and maybe I do. That makes me a horrible person.

Mar 25 2009

What To Do

I’m doing really poorly. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day. I just want to die. I can’t stop crying. I have to work for about an hour this morning, and I’m sure I’ll fake my way through. Happy and smiling. Then what. I’m supposed to go out for dinner with friends tonight too, but I think I’m going to cancel. First of all it’s chinese food and I don’t feel like gaining 2 pounds today. Secondly, I don’t want to be social. I just want to die.

Mar 24 2009

Therapy Recap 3/24/09

Warning – this post could be triggering. Beware…..

I really need to process this. I feel so not understood, kind of like betrayed. Last week when I went to see J, my therapist, I brought the collage/slide show thing with the photos that depict the cycle of SI. He seemed to really get it. He understood the cyclical nature that the photos represented. Feel bad – harm – feel better – feel bad, lather rinse repeat…..

But today when I went in there he was asking me how I’m doing with us talking about the SI, and I said I’m doing ok. (Which isn’t really true, sigh.) He asked, how ok? And I said some days are better than others. I explained that I’m thinking about it a lot more, that before we started talking about it I would go weeks or months without thinking about it, but now I think about it all the time. And that I feel angry with myself for telling him, that I can’t handle it myself. He asked if I was feeling vulnerable too, like now that my secret is out. I was getting to that, he beat me to it, but yes I do feel that.

He wanted to know what was triggering my feelings about harming myself. I said that it was just us talking about it, and that I had told him about it that is making me think about it a lot. He didn’t seem to understand that. He said that it’s “strange.” I didn’t appreciate that word at all and let him know it. He said that he could understand if I was stressed about something like the economy, or my son’s grades, but the SI itself is triggering the SI. He redescribed it as “unique”. I said I didn’t think that was so unusual.

Didn’t we go over this all last week – how it’s a cycle. How SI can cause one to feel shame and guilt and fear, etc. How just the act of SI can cause all of these emotions, even though it might feel good at the time? But now, it’s “strange” or “unique” that what’s causing my emotional grief isn’t the economy?

I don’t understand how he could be so understanding of this last week, and now be totally clueless. It was like being with a different person. But I guess I didn’t see what was going on. I mean, I know I was confused, but I didn’t see why until after the session. I thought I had done something wrong, maybe I described my feelings wrong, maybe what I thought what I was feeling isn’t what I was feeling. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore so we decided not to talk about it anymore.

Then we had to talk about something else. I told J about how I told my friend that I didn’t want to be a model in her fashion show in August. I told him that I did it by email, a cowardly way to communicate and he said that I never miss an opportunity to beat myself up about something. I really do think it wasn’t very nice of me to talk to her by email, but it was hard enough to tell her, and I took the easy way out. I told him that I saw photos of myself from the last fashion show and thought I looked terrible, and that when he told me that I’m not special it made me feel like I could tell her and she wouldn’t be angry. I told him that I appreciated that he said “You’re not George Clooney” rather than saying “You’re not Jennifer Aniston” or “You’re not Cameron Diaz.” I can handle being compared to George Clooney a lot easier. But it’s true, and everything he said was very logical and objective and it made me comfortable enough to tell her. So I guess that is one success I’ve had in therapy!

But then we continued on talking about physical appearance, another topic I am not comfortable talking about. We talked about how subjective I am, and other people are more objective. When I looked at the photos of myself from the fashion show I was very critical, but everyone else said I looked great. I just don’t believe they are telling the truth, but J says I’m just not objective. Then we talked more about the bell curve, of course it wouldn’t be therapy without mention of the bell curve, and striving for the 51st percentile. I asked him if he strives to be a 51st% psychologist. He talked about his strengths and weaknesses as a psychologist and knows he could never be a psychologist who does research or gets up and presents papers at conferences, but his strengths are more in the areas of relating to people and helping them directly. So it evens out in his opinion. I find it hard to believe that anyone would strive for 51%, but it’s something I guess I should consider. When I am working for someone I get very upset if I make a mistake. I’m not 100% perfect and that bothers me and I also believe that it will make my boss angry and perhaps tell me to get lost. But objectively that is ridiculous, everyone makes mistakes. But I don’t know, is 51% enough?

Somehow we got to talking about gastroenterologists and urologists and how they decide to go into those fields. And how if you are a patient waiting for your colonoscopy, laying on a gurney in a little thin gown that barely makes it around, you feel so exposed and vulnerable and anxious. But everyone else working in the room is just doing their job, not concerned with how you look, how they are about to shove a tube up your ass and look at your interior private parts on a big screen. So J wants me to imagine the colonoscopy patient and doctors the next time I find myself being subjective. He wants me to find more objectivity in my judgments.

That’s another thing. At the end of every session he tells me to think about something, or do something. But he never mentions it again. Does that mean he forgets what he’s told me to do, or it doesn’t really matter to him – it’s just for my benefit, or what? I used to do the “homework” obsessively but since he never mentions it I don’t really do it. Last week I did read my diary and I came up with some things, but when I went in today he started talking immediately about SI, and last week’s homework never came up. I want to talk to him about this next week.

So when I came home I was busy for a while, then I started thinking about what transpired during our session and his apparent lack of understanding of something I thought he understood. I started spiraling down pretty badly. I felt physically sick, I couldn’t tell if I was having a low blood sugar attack or a panic attack, or something. The thought of cutting was intense. Then my daughter was having problems with the computer printer and it said paper was jamming, but it wasn’t jamming and she was telling me in an irritated tone of voice to fix it because she doesn’t know how. I was getting very angry, with her and with myself and about everything. I took the back off the printer and threw it on the floor, and the paper wasn’t jammed and I told her in an irritated tone of voice that I couldn’t fix it, there was nothing wrong with it. I got totally emotionally overwhelmed, feeling like I was going to burst into tears.

Then I made my decision. I got calmed down. I cleaned up the whole kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, filled it up with all the dishes I had used to make dinner, scrubbed the counters, put everything away, and decided what I would do. I finished the kitchen, went upstairs and cut my hand. We’re going to Florida in a week and a half, and I’m assuming it will be hot there. I didn’t want to have to wear long sleeved shirts and long pants and socks the whole time if it’s 80 degrees. So I cut my hand. I figured if anyone asked I could say I accidentally cut it on a knife when I was emptying the dishwasher. Normally I don’t make just one cut, but I couldn’t lie my way out of three or four cuts on my hand could I? So I just kept cutting the same place a few times. I laid on my bed, applying pressure to my hand, and I felt better. J, my therapist, said it’s ok for me to do this. I specifically asked, “What are the rules?” And he said there are no rules, but based on my past experience it’s ok. He would never recommend that I go home and cut myself if I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed, but if I need to do it, it’s ok. And now my hand hurts like crazy. Which is a good thing – it means I’m human.

And I guess I have a lot to talk to him about next week. After next week’s session I get a week off since I’ll be away. I think taking that break from therapy will be a great thing.

Mar 23 2009

Stressed Out Monday

Mondays are hard. That’s because Monday is the day before Tuesday and Tuesday is therapy day. So Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are hard, because I’m spiraling after therapy. Saturday and Sunday aren’t so bad. Monday is bad.

Good things – I didn’t SI the whole week. Even though I thought about it all the time and really wanted to. But on the other hand, I didn’t want to. Because I know I have to keep this under control or it will get totally out of control.

Other good thing – didn’t drink yesterday or today. Possibly because yesterday I had a hangover and a migraine, and today because I’m watching calories. I’m trying really hard to eat a healthy diet – from this Superfoods Rx Diet book. But if I ate everything it says to eat I’d be eating a lot more calories than I want to eat, even though they are healthy calories. So I’m eating three meals a day, and healthy food. For lunch I had a Veggie Delite 6″ sub from Subway. With fat free Honey Mustard dressing – go me! What a splurge that extra 30 calories is. Read a book while I ate – Attachment in Psychotherapy. Interesting book in terms of the work I do with my foster child, as well as the work I’m doing in my own therapy.

Another good thing – ran 2.25 miles. Exercise is good, and it was a nice sunny day. Kind of windy though.

One more – Fifth Element got Tivo’d, so I’m watching it now. Love this movie.

I pretty much spent the whole day by myself, which I like. I mean, I like to be with friends, but I love to spend whole days by myself, doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

Bad things – obsessing about therapy and what I’m going to talk about and perhaps discussing with J that I think all this talk about SI is too much too quick and is detrimental and maybe we could slow it down? I know I’m the one putting pressure on myself to talk about hard stuff, it’s not coming from him at all. But it’s part of my perfectionism, and my need to always “get things done”, not waste time, etc.

My son being home and obsessing about him and whether he is going to stay in school or come home. He somehow got one professor to delay his final until after spring break, which makes it really hard to know what his GPA is for this quarter. And he starts classes again Monday, but is only signed up for two so far because he says the other classes he wants are filled and he’s waiting for something to open up. Everything is always so nebulous with him, it’s impossible to make decisions.

And it seems like lots of my online “friends” whose blogs I read are having difficulties right now and I’m worried about all of them. I always wonder what it would be like to all get together. I bet it would be fun. I’d be the old lady of the group, but that’s ok I think.