Tags: anxiety, bell curve, cat, email, feelings, life coach, sensitive, son's therapist, transference
My life coach wants me to write about my ideal life. I’m sure she doesn’t mean things like not cutting myself with razor blades when I feel down, more likely things having to do with careers and family, etc. So here goes:
My ideal life would include:
A job I enjoy – gives me a feeling of satisfaction, has flexibility, appropriate compensation
Time to do volunteer work
Ability to give to my favorite charities
Time to spend with family and friends
A house large enough to entertain
Time and money to take a vacation every year
Ability to send my kids to college without getting into major debt
Time to purchase and prepare healthy meals
Time for exercise
Time for hobbies – crafts, reading, cooking, music, photography, learning new skills
The same things everyone wants, right?
Tags: career, creativity, cutting, family, friends, life coach, vacation, work
It was so misty and damp out this morning and I took some photos. Then later it got sunny and warm, turned into a pretty nice day.
Tags: creativity, random
Last night I decided to get all my blog entries since I started in December, put them in a Word document and print them out. So that took a while, and I read most of them, and GOD! How depressing! Just reading about my life depressed me. I’ve got to cut that out. I’m going to try to write more positive than negative. Or at least keep the depressing ones to Tuesdays and Wednesdays – my most depressing days.
The document was 130 pages long, so I sent it to Kinko’s to have them print it out. Picked it up today, put it in a nice new binder and now I’ll just add every day’s entry to the binder. Just in case I ever want to read it. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to burn it before I die.
Today I had a conference for the organization that I work for in my advocacy with my foster child. My supervisor had asked me to be a presenter with her. Our workshop was about writing court reports and there was also a judge presenting so that the participants got the viewpoints of the judge, the supervisor and the actual writer of the report – me. There were a lot more people in the room than I thought there would be, and I was anxious. But I had an outline prepared and people seemed really interested and asked questions. I even made a little joke and everyone laughed. So I really stepped out of my comfort zone, but I feel I was successful and everyone said it was great.
Tonight my husband and I went to see “I Love You Man” and it was so amazing – in that “40 Year Old Virgin” kind of way (another of my favorite comedy films). My husband doesn’t usually laugh out loud, and he laughed a lot in this movie, and so did I. Like laughing hysterically. I can’t wait for it to come out on cable so I can Tivo it. I have my favorite movies Tivo’d so I can watch the parts I like over and over at any time. Some of my favorites in this genre are “Along Came Polly”, “Meet the Parents”, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, “50 First Dates”, “40 Year Old Virgin”, “Dan in Real Life”, “You, Me and Dupree”, “Failure to Launch”, “Zoolander”, and “Wedding Crashers”. Those keep me pretty busy. None would win any awards, but they are amusing and entertaining.
I do have good movies Tivo’d too – and I watch them a lot. Ones like “Pulp Fiction”, “Brokeback Mountain”, “Alpha Dog”, “12 Monkeys”, “The Good Girl”, “Benny and Joon”, “Shawshank Redemption”, and “Edward Scissorhands”. I usually just fast forward to the parts I like and watch them over and over.
So I’m going to be more positive. Maybe if I write more positive entries I’ll feel more positive. Possible? We’ll see.
Got an email from my therapist last night in which he apologized for offending me and did admit he used the word “strange” when he meant to say “unique”. I can’t really say I prefer one over the other, it’s the idea that counts. He said again that my issue is unique (which I don’t think it is) and the mechanism I use to reduce anxiety and negative feelings is unique (which I don’t think it is). But he insisted that he was not being judgmental, he understands that I felt that he was judging me, he’ll try to express himself more carefully in the future, and he has no judgmental feelings towards me.
He said he feels that I express myself best in writing or pictures, or perhaps he receives my messages better when I use that form of expression, and he acknowledged my difficulty during our sessions.
So I emailed him back, half jokingly, asking if we could do all of our therapy via email. And he emailed me back saying that he was thinking we should stick to writing, not instead of regular therapy, but in addition. And here I was all this time trying to use writing prudently, because I thought the “proper” way to have therapy is to talk. But if he encourages me to show him my writing and photos and collages and slide shows, wow, I’ll be cured before you know it!
I still plan to talk with him about the whole “unique/strange” issue and my way of dealing with strong emotions. I don’t understand what he means exactly. As for being judgmental, I really don’t think it is possible for a therapist to be totally non-judgmental. He has to be judging me all the time, on a professional level anyway, to determine how I’m doing, how therapy is working, etc. I know I judge him, and I think it’s a fairly automatic thing to happen if one is human. I just don’t think I need to know all of his judgments all the time, you know?
And here is my Gnocchi recipe. It’s time consuming, but worth it. The key to light fluffy gnocchi is to NOT handle it too much. Be very gentle with it. I hope you like it.
Gnocchi Gratin
For the gnocchi:
2 1/2 pounds russet potatoes
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon kosher salt
2 cups unbleached flour — plus extra for dusting
For the white sauce:
2 cups whole milk
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
For the gratin:
1/4 pound parmesan cheese — finely grated
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 tablespoon bread crumbs — finely ground (I use panko)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prick the potatoes once or twice. Place on oven rack and bake about 1 1/2 hours. Remove from oven and set on counter to cool.
Cut potatoes in half lengthwise. Scoop out the potato flesh. Put through the small holes of a ricer, allowing potatoes to fall onto a large baking sheet. Spread out the potatoes on the baking sheet and let cool completely.
Beat the eggs with the salt. Drizzle eggs over potatoes. Sprinkle 1 cup of flour over the potatoes. Using a bench scraper, scoop, lift, and fold the potatoes to mix them with the eggs and flour until a coarse dough forms.
Sprinkle 1/4 cup of flour onto a large pastry board. Spread the potato mixture onto the board and sprinkle with another 1/4 cup flour. Scoop, life and fold until flour is incorporated. Work in only as much of the final 1/2 cup of flour as needed for a smooth dough (I don’t usually add this last 1/2 cup flour). Shape the dough into a ball, dust with flour, and cover with a bowl.
Dust two large baking sheets with flour. Using the bench scraper, scrape the work surface clean and then dust it with flour. Cut the dough into 8 pieces and place 7 of them under the bowl.
Place the dough piece on the board and shape it into a short cylinder. Roll back and forth to elongate it slowly into a narrow log about 1/2″ in diameter.
Cut the log into 3/4″ pillow shaped pieces. Place them in a single layer, not touching, onto the baking sheets. Cut the remaining dough the same way. Cover the sheets with aluminum foil and refrigerate for at least 1 hour or overnight.
Make the white sauce. Warm the milk in the microwave a minute or two. Melt the butter in a pan, add the flour and cook for 2 – 3 minutes. Remove from heat and add the warm milk, whisking constantly. Add the salt, return to heat and cook until smooth and thick, about 1 minute. Remove from heat.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Butter a 9 x 13 baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil and add 2 tablespoons salt. Put a colander in the sink.
A few at a time, drop half of the gnocchi into the boiling water and stir. Let cook until they rise to the surface, about 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, remove from water and drain in colander. Cook remaining gnocchi and drain.
Put the first batch of gnocchi into the baking dish. Top with half of the white sauce and then half of the cheese. Top with the second batch of gnocchi, the remaining sauce, and the remaining cheese. Cut the butter into small bits and dot over the surface. Sprinkle with bread crumbs.
Bake until golden brown, about 30 minutes. Remove from oven, place on rack and let rest for 10 minutes.
Tags: anxiety, email, feelings, food, negative thoughts
Doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment, does it? Getting through a day. Ooh, what a thrill.
But when I woke up I felt a feeling of dread. How am I going to get through this day? There are so many hours in a day.
I visited my foster child this morning (to be clear – he is not actually my foster child. I call him “my” foster child, but I am actually his court appointed advocate. He has foster parents with whom he lives.) Since he lives 50 miles away from me this took a good amount of time. I cried pretty much the whole way there. Got that out of my system. I stopped at the grocery store and library on the way home to stretch out the time and listened to an audiobook. I’ve been listening to this audiobook for months – Dumas Key by Stephen King. It’s good, but I’m rarely in the mood to listen to it.
Then I sent my therapist an email asking him what his policy is about emailing between sessions. Then I made lunch, and I ate it.
Today is my son’s last day at home, so I made one of his favorite meals – gnocchi. It’s labor intensive and took a good part of the day, which was a good thing. Kept me busy.
Got an email back from therapist saying he encourages emails between sessions, he finds them useful. So I wrote an email to him, explaining how I feel since our session Tuesday. I was afraid to hit that send button, but I did it. I started to think that maybe none of the stuff I thought happened really happened. Maybe I made it all up in my mind. But I looked back at my blog entry for Tuesday and I know what I wrote was true. I felt kind of better after I sent the email. Haven’t heard back from him yet, I wonder what he’s thinking. That’s what gets me in trouble – wondering what he’s thinking.
So I made the kids gnocchi, and then I made a healthy dinner for my husband and I. It’s now 8PM and I only have another 2 hours before I get to go to bed. I don’t know why I go to bed at 10, because I never fall asleep until after 11. But I’m still reading the book I got the other day – Attachment in Psychotherapy. It’s very interesting, I recommend it to anyone who has attachment issues, or knows someone who does. My “foster child” has serious attachment issues. So I read for awhile before I go to actual sleep.
I was emailing with my foster child’s attorney today, and she told me that he said “Harriet is the only person who listens to me.” Wow, that made me feel good. I’m the low man on the totem pole when it comes to getting things done for him – priority always goes to his social workers, foster parents, the judge, etc. But the fact that he thinks I listen to him, and I do, really made me feel useful. At least if I can’t do anything else for him I can listen to him. I know I’m a good listener.
My son decided at 6:15PM to bring down his laundry for me to wash. I’m taking him to the airport at 10AM tomorrow. I couldn’t yell at him though. It’s his last night at home and I don’t want to spoil it. He’s up in his room chatting with friends and playing World of Warcraft as usual. I guess he’ll stay up all night until it’s time to go.
So I have to go put his clothes in the dryer. Now I only have about one hour and 45 minutes until I can go to bed. I got through a day.
Tags: cat
Mondays are hard. That’s because Monday is the day before Tuesday and Tuesday is therapy day. So Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are hard, because I’m spiraling after therapy. Saturday and Sunday aren’t so bad. Monday is bad.
Good things – I didn’t SI the whole week. Even though I thought about it all the time and really wanted to. But on the other hand, I didn’t want to. Because I know I have to keep this under control or it will get totally out of control.
Other good thing – didn’t drink yesterday or today. Possibly because yesterday I had a hangover and a migraine, and today because I’m watching calories. I’m trying really hard to eat a healthy diet – from this Superfoods Rx Diet book. But if I ate everything it says to eat I’d be eating a lot more calories than I want to eat, even though they are healthy calories. So I’m eating three meals a day, and healthy food. For lunch I had a Veggie Delite 6″ sub from Subway. With fat free Honey Mustard dressing – go me! What a splurge that extra 30 calories is. Read a book while I ate – Attachment in Psychotherapy. Interesting book in terms of the work I do with my foster child, as well as the work I’m doing in my own therapy.
Another good thing – ran 2.25 miles. Exercise is good, and it was a nice sunny day. Kind of windy though.
One more – Fifth Element got Tivo’d, so I’m watching it now. Love this movie.
I pretty much spent the whole day by myself, which I like. I mean, I like to be with friends, but I love to spend whole days by myself, doing what I want to do when I want to do it.
Bad things – obsessing about therapy and what I’m going to talk about and perhaps discussing with J that I think all this talk about SI is too much too quick and is detrimental and maybe we could slow it down? I know I’m the one putting pressure on myself to talk about hard stuff, it’s not coming from him at all. But it’s part of my perfectionism, and my need to always “get things done”, not waste time, etc.
My son being home and obsessing about him and whether he is going to stay in school or come home. He somehow got one professor to delay his final until after spring break, which makes it really hard to know what his GPA is for this quarter. And he starts classes again Monday, but is only signed up for two so far because he says the other classes he wants are filled and he’s waiting for something to open up. Everything is always so nebulous with him, it’s impossible to make decisions.
And it seems like lots of my online “friends” whose blogs I read are having difficulties right now and I’m worried about all of them. I always wonder what it would be like to all get together. I bet it would be fun. I’d be the old lady of the group, but that’s ok I think.
Tags: book, casa, cutting, drinking, eating, friends, movies, perfection, running, son