Harriet M. Welch

I met with my life coach today. I almost cancelled, since I hadn’t done any of the homework I was supposed to do and I didn’t want to let her down. But then I realized that I wouldn’t be letting her down, I just let me down. I kept the appointment and we analyzed why I didn’t do what I had said I would do, and broke things down so that I could get to work on what I’m supposed to be doing. The smaller the steps the easier things are for me. I’m getting a little nervous though about my plan to become a math tutor. I’m starting to have the self doubt and anxiety. It’s so much easier to do nothing than to do something challenging. Duh.

Then my daughter told me that our friend had to put her dog down last night. I didn’t realize how old he was – 13! He was a great dog, and it made me very sad. I can’t even imagine what my life would be without my dog. She’s only 9, so she’ll be around a good long time.

I haven’t returned my therapist’s email yet. I’m too ashamed to contact him – I don’t want him to think about me. I’m hiding. How long do you think I can hide from him?

Tags: anxiety, life coach

At therapy today I told J that I felt very bad after last week’s session. We had talked about self harm and that makes me feel like crap. I also told him I don’t like him dropping last minute bombs on me, like “Our time is up, but I want you to think about xyz…..” He was fine with me telling him that, he said we need to find ways to work together, and if something he does bothers me then it needs to change. He really is very nice, isn’t he?

He also wanted to know why I didn’t email him during the week if I was feeling poorly, and I said I didn’t want to be a pest. He said he told me that it was fine to email him, and I said I didn’t know if that was a one time thing, or if I could do it more often. He assured me that I could email him as often as I want to, that I am NOT a pest, that he wants to know how I’m doing. He really is very nice, isn’t he?

So at the end of the session I gave him a letter I wrote. It was about my son’s therapist. I had never told J that the man I was obsessed with for over a year was my son’s therapist. I spelled it all out in the letter – everything that happened, how I felt, how I’m afraid of J now because I don’t want it to happen again. I apologized for giving it to him as I walked out, but he assured me that it was fine. Damn, he is too nice to me. He also asked me to email him later in the week to let him know how I’m doing.

When I leave my therapy sessions I frequently find myself lost and confused and not knowing what to do with myself. Today I decided to go out to the farm where we keep my daughter’s horse. It was a beautiful warm sunny day. I went out and watched the horses, and fed my daughter’s horse and his “friends” peanut butter crackers, grass and dandelions. There was no one there and it was peaceful and quiet. I wish I had brought my camera – I’ll bring it next time.

Then I got an email from J. It was kind of weird, but he has an unusual way of using language. I’m getting used to it I think. His email said,

“Thank you for sharing that letter with me. I think that we should both consider how we want to incorporate that data into our work.”

Data? I feel like I’m on CSI or something. OK, whatever. I’m totally embarrassed by the letter and the feelings I revealed to J in it. I’m not sure I ever want to talk to him again, or go back to see him ever again.

I don’t feel as bad this week as I did after my session last week. This week we talked about guilt. I do better with guilt than with shame. Talking about shameful things causes deep emotional pain for me. Guilt isn’t so bad. J had asked me today if we could talk for a while about my son and the guilt I feel about him. I think that would be good – talking about that for a few weeks and avoiding any shame conversations.

That is if I have the guts to ever go back.

Tags: bother, cutting, email, feelings, guilt, shame, son, son's therapist

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking so much lately about living authentically. I have relationships with friends that go back over 20 years! I treasure and value these friendships. But amazingly I feel that my friends don’t truly know me, that I hide a lot from them. I don’t know if I’m so afraid of making myself vulnerable, if I’m afraid that they won’t like me if they know the “true me”, or some other reason. I know this goes back to my childhood, when I was weird and different and I had to learn had to behave like everyone else in order to fit in. But now I’m an adult. Shouldn’t I be able to be myself now?

Tags: childhood, different, friends

So I’m sitting on the beach today with one of my best friends. We’ve been friends for about 24 years or so. Out of the blue she says, “Did you ever get a tattoo?” I said, “Why do you ask?” because when in doubt and caught off guard it’s best to answer a question with another question. She said, “Well, I know you’ve been wanting one and I was just wondering if you ever got it.” And I got very brave and said, “Yes, I did get it.” She said, “Where is it?” I said, “On my ankle.” She said, “I don’t see it.” I said, “That is because I cover it up.” (Dermablend, MAC Studiofix, etc., works wonders). She said, “Why do you cover it up?” I said, “Because I don’t want to embarrass you.” She said, “Why would it embarrass me?” I said, “Because I know you don’t like tattoos.” She said, “Well, just because I wouldn’t get one on myself doesn’t mean that it would bother me that you have one.” I went on to explain to her how no one knows about it and how most people seem to think that having a tattoo makes one a lower class citizen. And she said if I did it for me I shouldn’t worry about what other people think. And I explained that I believe that human beings in general worry about what other people think of them, that’s just human nature. But I felt relieved that she knows about it and later today I showed it to her and she said she liked it (although I’m sure she doesn’t, but it was nice of her to say she does.) It was anxiety provoking telling her about it, but it turned out to be not so bad.

Tags: anxiety, beach, friends, tattoo

Tags: boundaries, cat, flying, guilt, son's therapist

me (10:32 PM): Hi

A (10:32 PM): hi

me (10:32 PM): I miss u. Just wanted you to know that

A (10:33 PM): thanks

me (10:33 PM): Sure. It’s weird here without you

A (10:34 PM): why

me (10:35 PM): Because I don’t know what you are doing or thinking

A (10:35 PM): how do you know what i’m thinking when i’m at home anyway

me (10:36 PM): I can feel what you’re thinking sometimes

A (10:36 PM): oh

me (10:37 PM): I think I understand you sometimes. You understand me more than dad or M I think

A (10:38 PM): probably

me (10:38 PM): You agree?

A (10:39 PM): yes

me (10:39 PM): Its hard sometimes to live with people who don’t understand you. I hope you have found people who understand you

A (10:41 PM): i think so

me (10:41 PM): It makes you feel connected and happier. So even though I miss you I hope you are successful at school so you can be with people you connect with

A (10:43 PM): thanks

me (10:43 PM): Ok time for bed. I love you !!

A (10:43 PM): love you too

me (10:44 PM): Night

A (10:44 PM): night

Tags: connection, son

I wish I had someone to talk to.

Tags: random

I watched a movie today – Reign Over Me. It’s about a man (wonderfully played by one of my favorite actors, Adam Sandler) whose wife and three little daughters were killed on 9/11 and now he is a recluse who plays video games all day and has remodeled his kitchen 16 times. He meets an old friend who basically tricks him into seeing a therapist so that he can “get better”. He doesn’t want to talk to the therapist, but she does convince him that he needs to tell his story to someone, anyone, so that he can “get better”. He decides to go with that advice and he tells his friend the story of the day his family died. Immediately after doing so he gets out a gun, pulls it on a cop, and luckily is not killed, but taken away to a psych hospital for evaluation.

The moral of this story? Human beings have defense mechanisms. We have these for a purpose – so that we can move past horrible things and still be functional people. What’s considered functional for one person may not be for another, but would you rather have a bunch of people playing video games and remodeling kitchens, or shooting innocent people in the streets?

I’m all for defense mechanisms. I love mine. Sure, I hide behind them, but I’m totally functional. Why should I expect more out of life?

Tags: movies

So apparently I’m addicted to klonopin. Who would have thought? I didn’t realize that this was a drug that one could become addicted to, since it’s the kind of drug that you can take as needed. Maybe it’s not addiction, maybe it’s dependence? I don’t know the difference and don’t really care. The last two nights I took my klonopin before bed, and I had no trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. So I guess if I want to sleep I’m going to have to get used to the idea of being addicted to klonopin. There are worse things in life I suppose. At this point I’m so happy to be sleeping that I don’t really care about anything else. I only take 1 mg before bed, so it’s not like I’m abusing it. I wonder, though, if I can develop a tolerance and if I may have to increase my dosage to get the same affect after a while. I think I’ll probably have to speak to my psychiatrist about this the next time I see him. But in the meantime I’m sleeping!

Tags: klonopin, pdoc, sleep

Last week I stopped taking my klonopin. I didn’t think I needed it anymore. I was feeling good, no anxiety, no SI, pretty happy. The only problem was I wasn’t sleeping well. I couldn’t fall asleep, and once I finally did I couldn’t stay asleep. Every night my mind was like a hamster on a wheel. It would go something like this:

Wow, W looked really good today when I saw her. She looked so thin. Is she thinner than me? I can’t tell. She probably is. How much did I eat today? It didn’t seem like much, but the scale is showing a definite increase. How could I have gained a pound and a half today. I must be retaining water. What time of the month is it. Tomorrow I need to drink a lot of water. Tomorrow, tomorrow, don’t forget to go to the bank tomorrow. Oh, and I need to mail those letters. Where are the stamps? I guess I should buy some stamps. Dessert – I need to make a dessert to bring to D’s house. What should I make? I don’t have very much time. Hmm, maybe creme brulee. Do I have all of the ingredients for it? I wonder how much time it needs to be refrigerated. Oh, about D. What did she say today? Oh yeah, I remember. Let me go over that whole conversation in my head. What time is it? Shouldn’t my daughter be home from work by now. It’s so dark out, is it a full moon? What if she drove off the road and is laying in a ditch unconscious? How long before someone finds her? She should be home by 11:30, if she isn’t home by 11:45 I’ll go out and look for her. How long can a person survive if they are bleeding? How do people die in a plane crash? Well, I guess the crash kills them instantly. What about Lockerbie? Were people alive when the bomb went off, and did they go flying out of the plane? Then were they alive until they hit the ground? What about that plane in Hawaii – the sides ripped off and people got sucked out. How did they die? How long does it take to hit the ground? Maybe I should try skydiving. Maybe it will help me get over some fears. Oh god, that reminds me. What am I going to talk about in therapy on Tuesday? I have nothing to talk about. Maybe I don’t need therapy, I’m sure I’m wasting my therapist’s time. What time is it? I have to get up early. Don’t forget the water, I’ll definitely need water……

It goes on like this for hours. I swear, this is what insanity must feel like. Then I get this other thing, it’s a physical feeling, but I’m sure it’s mental. I feel like I’m jumping out of my skin. I can’t lay still, I have to move around. I remember feeling like this when I was little and in my bed at night. I don’t know what it is, but it’s awful.

Then when I finally fall asleep I wake up a couple of hours later and my mind IMMEDIATELY starts up again. It’s like this all night. Then I’m tired all day.

Last night I decided to take a klonopin – just to see what would happen. It was a miracle. I fell asleep after about 30 to 45 minutes. And I slept ALL NIGHT. I woke with a start at 7AM. I couldn’t believe it. It was the best feeling ever.

I hate having to take klonopin to sleep. It’s not a sleeping pill, I know it’s not. But I think I’ll take one tonight. There’s nothing better than sleep.

Tags: anxiety, cutting, klonopin, sleep