I had emailed J last week about the journal entry I wrote last year, and I told him he didn’t have to read it until today. When I got there today first I gave him that piece of crap book he recommended to me and he told me he never even read it. That’s the second time he’s done that to me. I told him about a great book I’m reading about shame, which I’ll write more about tomorrow, and the great blog I’ve been reading from where I got the name of the book.
J had printed out my email with the journal entry and we talked about that pretty much the whole time. The shame of being bad, etc. I told him that I thought shame was more than just being bad vs. good and he says he knows that. I don’t think he quite gets my shame, he seems to think it’s just because I don’t think I’m perfect at everything, and that’s not really it. It encompasses a lot more than just that. Or maybe that is it, but it covers a lot of different areas. We talked some about my parenting shame, and I don’t think I’ve successfully conveyed the extent of poor parenting I used on my son. I’m going to have to do a better job of describing that. Maybe I’ll print out that blog post about weighing the pennies.
We used recyling as an example of not being perfect since it was in the journal entry. I was telling J that I feel bad when I don’t recycle every single thing. I know my family throws some recyclables away, and I don’t fish them out of the trash to recycle them. Also sometimes I’m too lazy to walk in the next room with a piece of paper and I’ll put it in the trash.
J was saying if he is reading the newspaper in a coffee shop and there isn’t a recycling bin, he’ll throw it away. I asked, why? He said because there is no recycling bin. I said why don’t you just take it with you? He asked, take it where? I said, into your car, then into your garage, then into the recycling bin. He said, he just doesn’t.
He also has little plastic cups in his waiting room by the water cooler, and there is no recycling bin there, so the plastic cups just get thrown away and he doesn’t feel bad about that. I asked if that was normal – not feeling bad about that. I told him that I used to teach nursery school at a synagogue and there was no recycling there. I would bring everything home from the entire school with me (just plastics, not paper), and people would come down to my room with their plastic stuff and I would bring it all home and recycle it. I had to order an extra large bin from the county. I just couldn’t stand the fact that all that plastic was being thrown away. I asked him if it was weird that I did that. He said he is not the determiner of weird vs normal and if recycling is my pet peeve then it’s fine for me to do that. The problem is everything is my pet peeve!
We once again are in agreement that I am too harsh on myself and set expectations for myself that are too high. We keep coming to this conclusion – the problem is how do we change it?
Then it was time to go and I said, “I have been having some problems and we didn’t have time to talk about them.” He asked what kind of problems. I kind of answered….relationship things sort of. I said, they are not really problems, that’ s an exaggeration, to which he replied, “That is something typical of you to say.” He suggested since I am so good at writing my problems out that I should email him all of my problems. I said that it might be too long, and I didn’t want to bother him, etc etc….. And he assured for the millionth time that it’s not a bother, he wants me to email him. So I guess I will.
Then we had a discussion about how it’s my fault that we didn’t talk about my problems because I didn’t mention that I had something to talk about. He said it’s not someone’s fault. It is what it is. He said I probably don’t like that expression, and I don’t. I said, yes, it is what it is, but it could also be someone’s fault. If a patient comes in every week for 9 months and never has anything to talk about, why would he think that one day she would have something to talk about? And he said, he does think I have things to talk about.
So I’m going to send him an email describing my problems. Then he’ll really see what a bother I can be.