Monthly Archives: June 2009

Jun 26 2009

Friends Til The End?

So remember the birthday dinner? I have pretty much gotten together with all of my friends, but there was that last one, the one who it seemed was the most “mean” to me (yeah, it’s like the movie “Mean Girls” around here sometimes). She has been asking me what is troubling me and I’ve been avoiding her, but yesterday we talked on the phone and I finally told her that what she said hurt me, and she at first said, “Oh I thought someone else said those things”, but by the end of the conversation she was apologizing and saying how bad she felt for talking so strongly about what was going on with my son. And I was crying and she felt bad and blah blah blah. Then today she sent me an email apologizing again and explaining how she was stressed, but it’s not an excuse and she is in no place to judge me and she can’t possibly know how I feel but she feels bad for me and she was just trying to show me how good a mother I am and how my son needs to take responsibility, etc etc.

I feel better now that this is all cleared up and I promised her if anything happens in the future I’ll speak up right away. We’re going to the beach for a few days on Sunday, and it’s good that we worked this out.

I’m still feeling upset about the whole situation with my son, I think. I’m so weepy all the time. I told her when we’re at the beach we’re not talking about kids! Hopefully we’ll have something else to talk about though!

Jun 24 2009

Is Suicide Painless?

I was talking to my MIL and she told me that a friend of my SIL committed suicide a couple of days ago. Well, he wasn’t really a friend, but she knew his wife. He was having gambling problems, financial problems, marital problems, etc etc. He had two kids, aged 16 and 13. The other day his wife smelled carbon monoxide and went to the garage – he had turned on both cars in the closed garage and died. My first thought was – holy shit he could have killed the whole family. My first feeling was jealousy – wow, he was brave enough to do it. My next thought was that it was a cowardly way to commit suicide. I always think about suicide and the different methods and I judge myself on my lack of bravery to be able to kill myself in a truly magnificent way. You know, gun, hanging, jumping from a tall building or bridge. I could never do those. Carbon monoxide I can do, but I feel it’s the cowardly way.

I would not want anyone in my family to find me dead in my car. I also have a hybrid, so the engine turns off and it wouldn’t even kill me. I would have to do it in another family member’s car, and that wouldn’t be fair.

What is suicide ideation anyway? How does one know if one is ideating, or just simply toying with the idea? Does everyone think about suicide?

Jun 23 2009

My Altar

The Goddess Course began last week, but I joined late. We got our week 2 assignment yesterday, but I am still working on week 1, which is to create an altar. This is a space with intention, filled with stuff that resonates with the person creating it.

First I decided that what I need most in my life right now, which is authenticity, purpose, and self-love. The qualities I want to feel when I see my altar are beauty, organic, and simplicity. And if my altar was a prayer I would want it to be: I am a worthwhile person deserving of good things.

Then I decided it would be on the windowsill of my office, which is also where I sleep when my husband is snoring. I worked on finding and/or getting things to put on my altar. I feel good about how it came out and I do feel energized and yet peaceful when I look at it.

altar

First I laid out a shawl that I knit from alpaca – it’s a pale pink and very soft. On the left is a bottle with an essential oil blend I made from lemon, lavender and clary sage. Next is a candle I made – I also made the mosaic jar that it is in. It is scented with ginger peach. After that is a photo of my husband and kids from a vacation we took a few years ago, and my daughter made the frame. It’s got seashells stuck all over it. Next is a tall glass vase filled with river rocks, which I didn’t actually get from a river, I bought them at the craft store. Finally there are some books which I love.

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The books are:

The 21 Balloons by William Pene du Bois (I loved this book in elementary school)
The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving
Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh (of course!)
The World According to Garp by John Irving
The Stand by Stephen King
The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins

Jun 22 2009

Academic Dismissal

We got the official letter today, saying my son is “academically dismissed” from his university. This was not a surprise, however by not having the letter there was still that bit of hope that perhaps he did better than we all thought.

However, this is not the case. He is academically dismissed. What an interesting way to word it. They made sure to tell him in the letter that this is not punitive. How encouraging! Colleges don’t punish, they dismiss. What he is going to do now, I have no idea.

And now when people ask me what my son is doing, I guess my response will be, “He is taking some time off from school.” That sounds like a fine answer, and no one needs to know any more. I’m sure they will press for more, but I’m going to hold firm to my boundaries and not give any more. Easy to say now, we’ll see how that goes.

Jun 21 2009

On a Learning Kick

Yesterday I ran my 5K race, and I did much better than I thought I would. I finished in 32 minutes 11 seconds. I did walk a very short distance, up a small hill when I needed to catch my breath. But I finished in the top 40%, so I’m quite proud. I have another 5K coming up on July 4th, and this week I’m moving into the 8K running group. I really don’t see how I can ever run 5 miles, but I never thought I could run three, so I guess there’s always hope.

Now I’m signing up for e-courses. I signed up for one today which you can read about here: Declutter Goddess. Here is what they say about the course:

“We know – it is so easy to feel overwhelmed, out-of-love and a bit disgruntled with your home. It doesn’t feel like it supports you – it even feels like it restricts you or holds you back. Something about the energy of your home just doesn’t sing to you as well as it could. And on top of feeling all that & more about your space – it feels like it’s so big and immense that it’s just not going to change. It’s just too hard. There’s just too much stuff. It might even feel a bit painful… Making space for our goddess to shine isn’t a one-time binge-drinking session of throwing away, moving furniture and vacuuming. That can feel scary, boring and harsh. And pretty soon, things just get back to feeling the same instead. What we’ve instead created is a six-week journey where we’ll be guiding you through divine decluttering & magical space clearing to create an amazing, spirit, light, joyful space.”

Magical Space Clearing sounds like just what I need. I need space – space to think about what I need, where I’m going, and who I’m going with. I haven’t read my materials yet, having just signed up this morning, but I’m looking forward to it.

And tomorrow registration opens for a photo-journalism e-course which you can read about here: UnRavelling. Here is what she has to say about this course:
“The Unravelling process is a new way to view your world, taking time to appreciate the beauty around you. And we do this in the simplest way – we stop and look. Beginning with your feet, you’re going to go on a photo safari into your own life to reconnect with who you are, where you’ve been and where you want to go next. These definitely won’t be self-portraits in the traditional sense – we’ll be using the camera as a tool to unlock how we see not only ourselves but also the world we live in, including the immediate surrounds of our homes, places of work and our friends and family.”

Reconnecting with who I am, where I’ve been and where I want to go – that’s what I want to do.

Jun 18 2009

My Friend, Klonopin

So those of you who follow me on twitter know that yesterday was not a good day for me. I resorted to klonopin + vodka, rather than SI. Both are dysfunctional coping mechanisms, I realize this. But I don’t want cuts and scars right now. At about 1PM I called J, my therapist, to be sure he got my email in which I apologized for being a bitch during our session. Frankly I don’t remember this call at all. I see it on my blackberry, so I know it happened. I know I left a voice message and didn’t talk to him. He responded with an email, that was very nice and caring. He said he was having a busy day, but if I needed to talk I could call at 4:15 or 8:45. I didn’t call.

This morning he emailed me again to see how I was doing. I really don’t want him being this nice to me and caring this much for me. He said if I need anything I should call at any time. I would NEVER call him to talk about problems. I’d call to be sure he got an email, or to change an appointment, but NEVER to talk about problems.

I emailed him to tell him I was doing ok, and to outline an agenda of things I should talk about with him at our next session. I actually think this could be a good idea – emailing him with things to talk about, thereby avoiding the awkward moment of bringing up the topics while I’m sitting with him. He said in his email that he likes my agenda and he is looking forward to talking about these things. The items on the agenda are:

My father, my mother’s husband being very ill in the hospital and the related issues of my mother and sister
My son’s old therapist
My son and his school situation
Feeling extreme self hatred due to failure at being able to do anything right
Not wanting to feel comfortable with J

The last one could be very difficult to talk about. I don’t want to feel comfortable with J. I am going to delve into my feelings more on this one so that when he asks me about it I will have something coherent to say. I’ll be writing more about this on the blog and perhaps I can get some feedback. I think a lot has to do with my son’s old therapist and the feelings I developed for him. I don’t want that to happen again. But there is more to it than that.

J is so damn nice. Yeah, he screws up every now and then, he makes poor choices of words, he says things out loud that he should keep to himself, but he is genuine. And he has integrity. And those are important to me right now.

Jun 16 2009

Tres Miserable

I spent the afternoon with my mom in the hospital. Her husband was brought in yesterday morning with severe pulmonary edema and was put on a ventilator and had immediate dialysis. My sister spent yesterday with her, so today I spent the afternoon with her.

This was hard. My dad, who died 11 years ago, had the same type of illness as my mom’s new husband. I swore I would not go through this again, he has 4 children, they can spend time in the hospital with him. My dad was sick and in and out, mainly in, hospitals for 8 years before he died. I don’t want to do that again. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be in that hospital today.

But before I went to the hospital, I had my therapy appointment. Remember that email that J never answered? He claims he never got my email. That brought back a flood of emotions due to my son’s old therapist who always claimed that he didn’t get my voice mails or my emails. He had a lot of unethical behaviors with my son and me, and I’ve written before about him and how I thought about him all the time and how he occupied my mind 24/7 and how hard it was to get over him, which I don’t think I have yet. So J telling me he didn’t get my email was like getting hit by a truck.

He did read the email, which I showed him on my blackberry, and we talked about how he made a poor choice of words in saying that the session two weeks ago was our first “regular” session, and he made a mistake in comparing me to his other patients. But, after saying that, he claims that all of his other patients feel totally comfortable in his office, they think of it as a safe haven where they can talk about anything. I, apparently, am the only uncomfortable patient, I can’t even walk in the door if he is standing near it. Knowing that does not really make me feel any better.

When I left J, I drove the one hour to the hospital, crying the whole time. Spent a few hours at the hospital, then drove the one hour home, crying the whole time. Luckily I had my running group tonight, running clears my mind. I had serious SI cravings, so bad that I was going to call the county hotline, but I didn’t have time and now my husband is home, so I can’t call. I really really wish I had someone to talk to.

Then I wrote another email to J, explaining why I was so bitchy at our session today because of the fact that I was feeling like he was my son’s old therapist and projecting my feelings for him onto J. And that I was stressed about the hospital, and my son flunking out of school, and I should have spent the session talking about that, instead of being a bitch about him not getting my email.

I’m wondering if I should just quit therapy. But I know, from comments others have left on this blog, that there are other people out there who don’t feel comfortable in therapy, who wonder what to talk about, who feel like they may be judged for what they say. I know that there are others like me out there. None of them are J’s patients apparently. The razor blade is calling me so loudly, it’s hard to shut it out.

Jun 15 2009

More on Style Statement

So the Style Statement is more than how you dress, or how you look. According to the book:

“Your Style Statement defines your authentic self. It is a compass for making more powerful choices, a guide for designing a life that reflects your whole being. An anchor, a symbol, a mantra. A declaration, an affirmation, a reminder. You, fully expressed.

Knowing your Style Statement helps you make empowered decisions – from your wardrobe and home to your relationships and work. When the spirit and the look and feel of your life are connected to your true nature, you feel at home wherever you are. You walk taller. You think more clearly. And the world responds accordingly.”

Doesn’t that sound encouraging? All of that just by defining two little words. But I’m really rather inspired by all of this. Graceful Creative took the eight areas defined in the book (home, fashion, spirit, service, relationships, creativity, body, and nature) and developed goals for herself based on her Style Statement. I’ve always thought goals are an important part of life, for without goals what is the point of getting out of bed every day? But it’s hard to give yourself goals without direction, and by defining my Style Statement I feel I can set goals based on my true self. At least it’s a start – a jumping off point.

When my kids were young it was easy, I had one major goal – raise my kids into responsible, loving, respectful adults. When that goal is over, then what? So now I plan to set some goals for each of the eight areas, and see where it takes me.

Considering I want to die before I turn 50, and that will be in 11 months, I’m wondering if this process can change my decision.

Jun 13 2009

My Style Statement

I have come up with my Style Statement! Yes, it’s very exciting. It took me a while to figure out my 80% foundation word. I had narrowed it down to:

Comfort
Constructed
Contemporary
Designing
Genuine
Innovative
Organic
Simple
Structured

After thinking about it, I decided that “Contemporary” encompasses all of these other words. According to the book, Contemporary:

Has a strong presence, because they are indeed “present”. Contemporary looks you in the eye. They are up-to-date and current with what matters most to them and are typically interested in social and cultural issues. They stay on top of things; they make time work for them; they look to the future. Progressive thinkers, they seek out leading-edge ideas and people to help them get where they want to go. Contemporary is often champion of a cause. They prefer to interact with genuine and authentic people but can tolerate many types of personalities in order to achieve their goals, from having a good time to purpose-driven missions. In overdrive, Contemporary can be forceful or critical, especially of themselves and their healthy limitations. Living from a place of inspiration and always curious, Contemporary turns possibility into real time, with pragmatism, common sense, and a clarity of commitment.

Look and feel: Modern; in style but not necessarily trendy; potentially avant-garde; clean, new, well-cared for. Simple lines; open spaces and surfaces.

I was having trouble with my 20% word. I was playing around with:

Comfort
Creative
Dedicated
Flourish
Innovative
Inspiration
Intuitive
Meaningful
Organic

But I decided on “Integrity”. According to dictionary.com integrity means:

• adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty
• the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished
• the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness
• the state or quality of being entire or complete; wholeness; entireness; unbroken state
• moral soundness; honesty; freedom from corrupting influence or motive
• unimpaired, unadulterated, or genuine state

What resonates with me is the adherence to moral and ethical principles, honesty, unimpaired, whole, and genuine. I try to live my life in accordance with my principles, I try to be honest and unimpaired, and I’d like to be whole and genuine. I’m not always successful, but I’m trying!

So my style statement is:

Contemporary Integrity

Has a nice sound to it, doesn’t it?

Jun 12 2009

Keeping Busy

Back from Ohio, son is safe and sound and all of his shit is piled in the garage. He is only home for a few days, so we’ve got lots of work to do. I listened to audiobooks on my way to and from Ohio, rather than dwell on my therapy, or my friendships, or myself. It was a great way to pass the time. I finished Watchers by Dean Koontz which was excellent. I recommend it especially if you like dogs. Then I listened to Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan. I liked most of the book, it was ironic that the first section was about Johnny Appleseed and took place in Ohio, which is where we were. I skipped the tulips section and the second half of the cannabis section. The potato section was the most fascinating – the author discussed genetically modified plants. That is a subject everybody really should do a lot of thinking about. The last section of this book is a good introduction to the topic.

Haven’t received a response email from J, my therapist, and I guess at this point I’m not expecting one. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I’m not thinking much about therapy or J. I’m practicing mindfulness, keeping busy, eating right, working out, doing my son’s laundry, reading, listening to music, working, doing errands, keeping up with blogs, crocheting roses for the runners in the 5K I’m running in next Saturday, practicing photoshop, taking photographs, cleaning up the mess my daughter made of the house today, oh, and sleeping of course.

I’m feeling childish about avoiding my friend who hurt me last month. She texted me, called me, and emailed me in the last week. I emailed her briefly about my son, and how he probably is going to be kicked out of school. She emailed back to ask if I am okay, and I just didn’t answer. She can’t possibly understand, and after she attacked me last month about him and how I enable him, I just can’t muster up the energy to have any discussion with her about my son, my feelings, or our relationship. So avoidance is the order of the day.

I did, however, email another friend, who was also at the birthday dinner. She is one of my oldest, closest friends. J encouraged me to contact my friends and not to run away. I knew he was right, and I feel safest with this particular friend. We are having lunch next week. I can’t decide if I’m feeling good or bad about it. My childish side wants to say, “Fuck everyone, I don’t need any of you,” and my adult side says, “I need my friends, they support me, I need to feel connection.” So I’m going to stick with my safe friends for now, as a compromise.