Monthly Archives: July 2009

Jul 31 2009

A Situation

A couple of nights ago I was doing my volunteer job selling tickets for the local collegiate summer baseball league. Our little town has its own magazine and this magazine is a corporate sponsor for the baseball team. A man showed up from the magazine, and I figured he was in marketing or PR – he was wandering around giving out reusable grocery bags. He came over to the ticket table and we were talking, I was telling him how much I like the magazine and how I’m a subscriber and how every month there is someone I know featured in the magazine. He was pleased to hear that.

There was a teenaged girl selling tickets with me and she asked him about photography internships that might be available at the magazine; he talked to her about that for a bit and gave her his card. Then I said, “I’d like to write for your magazine.” He asked me if I’m a writer, and I said, “No, but aren’t your writers freelance?” He said, “Yes, and actually I was talking to one today who is a Pulitzer Prize winner.” I replied, “Well, I guess you don’t want me then!” He said, “No, I didn’t mean it that way, we have all different kinds of writers.”

I proceeded to tell him about a story idea I’ve had floating around in my head for a few years. I never thought anyone would be interested in it. But he said it sounds like a great idea for a story and he gave me his card. Turns out he is the Publisher and Editor of the magazine. He told me to email him.

First thing yesterday morning I sent him an email telling him how pleased I was to meet him and talk with him. I reiterated my story idea and said that I might get started on the photography aspect of it, since he seemed to like the idea.

Then he sent me back an email saying, “It was great meeting you, too. I am interested in the story you suggested. Please let me know what you find out. Many thanks.”

I have no idea what that means. I asked my husband and he said, “Maybe he wants you to do some of the story and send it to him.”

Now what? I’m not a writer! I really love this story though and I so want to be able to write and photograph it. I don’t know what to do now, this is exactly the type of situation I hate to be in. I’m setting myself up for failure. If I don’t try I fail. If I try and it sucks I fail. Why do I do this to myself? I have this feeling of worthlessness again. Ugh. My ideas always get me in trouble.

Jul 30 2009

Me – Lucky?

A couple of weird things happened yesterday, but I’ll write about this one. I have a sister who is three years younger than me. All of our lives she was the cute pretty little social one, and I was the ugly big nerdy one. Lately when I’ve been glancing in the mirror at myself (because that is how I look in the mirror, via glances) I see her. And we don’t look anything alike. A major change that has happened to me is that over the last two years my hair has gone from sleek and straight to curly/wavy. My sister always had curly hair. Our hair was always about the same color until a few years ago when she stopped coloring hers, now hers is mostly gray with some blobs of brown. She looks vastly different due to the gray hair, and also much older.

When my friends see photos of her they say, “What happened to your sister?” To me she looks the same, but with grayer hair, but to most people she looks very different.

I have also lost weight during the last couple of years resulting in a thinner face. But I still don’t think we look alike, except when I glance in a mirror and see her.

As I mentioned I’m taking an online photo journalism course and last week our assignment was Reflections. We took photos of ourselves or others reflected in different surfaces. This was an extremely difficult assignment for me, psychologically as well as technically, but I did manage to create a few photos that were decent.

One of the photos I shot in my car. It was a reflection of me in the mirror of my sun visor.

car

And in this photo I look just like my sister, except with brown hair. I also have sunglasses on, which hides my eyes. My eyes are very different than my sister’s. I sent the photo to my sister with a note, “See why I say I look like you?” She sent me back this email:

“That’s my old me. I miss that look. Wow, you are sooo lucky”

I was stunned when I read this. I felt like crying, I felt so badly for my sister. I never thought that she was affected by her appearance – she was always the cute pretty one! Now I’m the lucky one? How can this be?

I guess when you’re ugly for your whole life you get used to it, but when you start out attractive and you get older and your looks change it is very disturbing.

I told her it’s just the hair color that is different, nothing else about her has changed. In my eyes, anyway. She’s still the pretty one. I just can’t believe that when it comes to looks anyone would think I’m lucky.

Jul 28 2009

Therapy Recap 7/28/2009

I was an anxious mess when I showed up for therapy today. I had things to do prior to my appointment, but they didn’t take as long as I thought they would so I had an hour to kill. I did what I usually do in this situation – went for a drive. Drove up the highway for 30 minutes and back down for 30 minutes. Luckily I have a hybrid auto, so the waste of gas didn’t make me feel too guilty.

I asked J why he sent me the email. He seemed surprised and had to think a minute to figure what email I was referring to. Now that I’m thinking about it I can’t even remember what answer he gave me, but it led to a long discussion. We talked about how I want rules and boundaries. I don’t want him to email me unless I have emailed him first. I don’t want him to think about me except on Tuesdays at 11:00am. I don’t want him to be nice to me. I want him to be less scary and intimidating.

He said he thought about me during the time I was gone because my little robot was on the shelf next to the clock. I asked why he put it on the shelf and not in a drawer. He said it would have been disrespectful to put the robot in a drawer. I asked why, since I keep the robot in the glove compartment of my car. He said because I gave him a piece of myself and it would not have been right to put me in a drawer. I told him I didn’t think it was a piece of myself, it was just a way for me to force myself to come back after a break.

A couple of times he said he wasn’t sure why I gave him the robot to hold for me, even though he did hear my reason. I guess he was implying that I had an ulterior motive. I asked him if I had an ulterior motive and he said no, I said, how about an unconscious motive and he said yes, but he wouldn’t call it a motive. I said, so you think I wanted you to be thinking about me while I was gone. Now I’m wondering, did I want J to be thinking about me while I was gone? Was the story I gave him an excuse? I’m telling him I don’t want him to think about me, but I’m giving him something of mine to hold for me which of course would make him think about me.

J says that he believes that we have pretty strong boundaries. He would never call or email a client, or as he calls them “customers” which I’ll explain in a bit, to see if they watched the Biggest Loser last night. He would never condone physical contact, except in rare instances, like when he had a client that he saw for a long time and she was going out of the country for a few months and she asked for a hug and he gave her one. When he told me that I had the immediate feeling of running away.

J also said that many clients have the opposite problem – they don’t have strong enough boundaries in their lives and they come to therapy to learn to make stronger boundaries. He said I’m in the minority. He mentioned a few times today about how I am different than other people, for example he said that with me he frequently explains his motivations and his reasons for things he does or says during our therapy, and he doesn’t do that with most people. But he says it is fine because everyone’s therapy is different. And when I told him that he is intimidating I asked if other clients tell him that, and he said no, no one ever has. But he knows that one of my strongest desires is to be like everyone else, to be “normal” whatever that is, but he never hesitates to tell me when I’m different.

Maybe he is trying to get me to see that I should accept myself for all my weirdnesses and not try to change to be “normal”.

We talked about why he is scary, and we have talked about this before. I told him I have trouble in general talking to handsome men, that I think they are thinking to themselves, “She’s not worthy of my time, why is she trying to talk to me?” Plus the fact that he is the therapist and I get to tell him all of my deepest darkest secrets and feelings and he doesn’t have to tell me anything. He talked about another client who was concerned with the “power imbalance”, which is why he calls his clients customers. I said I don’t really feel it’s a power imbalance, I actually hold all the power because I decide what we talk about and what I do and don’t want to talk about. There is a definite imbalance though.

He also mentioned that there have been times when I got upset because J forgot something, and now I’m feeling uncomfortable with him thinking about me too much. I said I don’t think I ever got upset because he forgot something, but maybe because he didn’t understand what I was feeling or trying to say. This part got confusing, but in a way I can see what he means. I told him “You can’t win” and he said, “That’s fine.”

So my feelings after this session are:

1. It was a waste of time because we talked about therapy instead of doing therapy
2. I feel bad that I made J feel bad about an email when he was just trying to be nice
3. I feel like an idiot because I gave him something so that he would think about me while I’m telling him he is not allowed to think about me
4. Talking about the feelings of unworthiness during the session have led to me feeling the feelings of unworthiness all day and ruminating on how I’m a loser and have no good or redeeming qualities

So I now feel like I suck and I have lots of self destructive coping mechanisms that I can fall back on, but I am trying not to do that. Luckily I am running tonight, although it is currently 90 degrees out and I’m between running groups and the people who have been showing up lately don’t like to run too far and I want to run for miles tonight. I need to run for miles tonight so I don’t self destruct.

Jul 25 2009

Are You Socially Aware?

I’ve been thinking about social awareness. I never thought I was more conscious about humanity, the earth, animal life, etc than other people, but incidents have occurred that lead me to believe that I am. I do a lot of research about companies, businesses, stores, products, etc so that I can make choices that are in tune with my values and beliefs. I’ve noticed that very few of my friends do the same. They all shop, eat, travel, etc with no regard to how their choices affect the world, and affect themselves.

I recently began to do more in depth research and I realize that I have been buying products and shopping at businesses that have unethical business practices. Now that I know this, I plan to change what and where I buy. When I mention this to people they don’t seem interested. Most people that I know want to do what is easiest, cheapest, and in their best interest at the moment. I don’t understand this.

Take Walmart for example. I don’t shop at Walmart because I don’t agree with their business practices. The reasons that people shop at Walmart, in my opinion, are:

1. They don’t have the luxury of shopping elsewhere. Either there are no other stores in their area because Walmart has shut them down, or they live in a rural area. Perhaps they don’t make enough money to spend on socially conscious goods from reputable businesses. Shopping at Walmart is cheap and there are many, many people in this country (speaking about the US) who cannot afford to shop elsewhere or who have to travel to get to other stores. I don’t judge anyone who shops there if they are in this category.

2. They are unaware that Walmart is practicing unethical business – in their products, with their employees, with the labor producing the products, etc. I would not judge anyone in this category either; most people don’t do research prior to shopping.

But I’d like to believe that if people become knowledgeable about Walmart and if they can afford to shop elsewhere they would. However, this doesn’t seem to be the case.

This past week when I was at the beach with my friends there was a Walmart in town. I happened to mention a couple of times about my disdain of Walmart, and my friend asked me what I have against people who shop at Walmart. I told her I have nothing against the people who shop there, I have a problem with the store itself. I explained to her some of the reasons why I am opposed to Walmart. She said she shops there and she likes it. I don’t think my explanation will change her mind.

This same friend recently got a puppy. I found out that she bought it at a pet store. I asked her why she got it at a pet store rather than from a reputable breeder, or from the humane society and she said she wanted this particular breed and there are no breeders in our area, and this place seemed very nice. I told her that the puppy’s mother lived in a puppy mill and told her about the conditions of puppy mills. I knew it was too late for her to change where she got her puppy from, but perhaps if anyone asked her she could tell them a better way to get a puppy. She seemed upset, and told me that this pet store gave her “papers” and her puppy has “parents” and is “registered”. Well, all dogs have parents, and anyone can get papers. I asked her why she didn’t talk to me about getting a puppy because she knows I did a lot of research before I got my dog. She said she didn’t think of it. She asked me if I thought her puppy was ok and healthy and I said of course I thought he was, and he is.

Then last week we were talking about that conversation. She said she was upset when I told her a pet store is not the best place to get a puppy, but then she realized, “Oh, it’s just Harriet telling me this stuff” and then she felt better. Like I’m such an extremist and my viewpoints are so outlandish that she shouldn’t get upset by anything I say. I didn’t mean to make her upset, I just wanted her to know some facts about the situation.

My other friend was telling me about someone we know who goes through people’s refrigerators telling them about all the bad things in there and how either they are bad for their health, they are inhumane, or bad for the environment. My friend doesn’t invite her over anymore. I would never do that, I only explain my reasons and my research if anyone asks. Sometimes, however, things slip out, like my Walmart comments. I do have to be more careful because people think I’m judging or having a holier than thou attitude.

I guess I don’t understand why people do the things they do if they know their actions have repercussions. Everything we do or buy sends waves throughout the world, from 8 year old child laborers in Thailand, to cattle on a factory farm in Iowa. Why do people seem to not care, to only want to do what is cheapest, easiest, and quickest for themselves?

Are you socially conscious and how do you think you compare with others? Do you talk about your feelings with other people and how do they respond?

Jul 24 2009

Do You Think This Is Strange?

Last night about 6PM I got an email from J, my psychologist. In case you don’t remember, I had to miss this week’s appointment because I was at the beach, and I left my toy robot with him to make it easier for me to come back. Whenever I miss a week it’s really hard for me to start up again.

The email said, “The robot is doing fine. He has actually received a lot of attention from customers who have noticed him on his perch. See you Tuesday.”

I felt uncomfortable when I got this email. I don’t know why exactly. I guess I don’t understand why he is sending it. It’s not like I left him my dog or my child – it’s a toy! Does he really think I’m worried about it? I also feel like he’s crossed a boundary – sending me an email when I haven’t sent him one first. It seems more of a “friend” thing to do than a professional psychologist thing to do.

And yes, he does call his patients “customers”. That’s bizarre too, but I’m used to that.

Any thoughts?

Jul 23 2009

Crazy Vacation

I was at the beach for the last few days. I didn’t have internet access – yikes! I am so dependent on my computer and my internet. TOO dependent.

I did have lots of time to do lots of thinking though. That could be good or bad. One thing is I’m trying to have less in my life. Less of everything. Towards that goal, I have cancelled my Twitter account. Twitter has been such a waste of time for me. I have also cancelled subscriptions to lots of blogs that I read. Most of them were fashion or beauty blogs that led to me to spend more money than I needed to on more items that I didn’t really need. I’m still subscribed to lots of blogs – mostly in the areas of fitness, diet, health, organization, mental health and creativity. It takes lots of time to read these, but I get great ideas on improving these areas of my life, so I think it’s worth the time.

For my beach vacation I brought a ton of food. I ate all of my own food for breakfasts, lunches, and snacks and we went out for dinner. This was hard! I did have to put up with lots of comments and questions about my food from the two friends I was with. The comments seemed genuine, but with an undertone of sarcasm. This could be in my head, however. They did ask sincere questions about what I eat, and how I eat. I feel that I eat a very healthy diet, but I’m very obsessive and regimented, which isn’t always a good thing.

After eating out Monday night and Tuesday night, we awoke Wednesday morning and they were already trying to decide where to eat Wednesday night! I suggested we just come back home and eat something from the pantry, like an apple or something, but that did not go over well. They wanted to go to another restaurant that had a nice patio overlooking the bay where we could sit outside and have a drink, etc. It’s true the atmosphere of eating that way is lovely and I did enjoy it. But I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the amount and type of food that I was eating at these restaurants. And there was no scale at the beach house. Unfortunately my life revolves around the scale, and I know this is not good. So don’t tell me it isn’t. I KNOW!

I did still get my exercise in on Tuesday. None on Monday. And on Wednesday, which is the day I normally walk 4 miles, my friends wanted to join me. This was bad for the exercise, because they don’t walk as fast as I do, but good for the socializing, because the 4 miles took one hour and eight minutes to complete (Gah!) and we had a nice time. I tried to hurry them up, but they could only go so fast. One kept saying how much she was sweating, and she did seem a bit out of breath, so I didn’t want to push her any harder!

I did a lot of rationalizing and logicalizing about my eating and exercising for these three days. I know logically that three days of eating anything – good or bad – is not going to change me in any way. I know that I don’t have to be so obsessive about what and when I eat and exercise. I know this in my head. But last night I was up most of the night. I couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep, and when thinking about it all I could come up with was my anxiety about eating too much and exercising too little. I don’t know how to get to my subconscious to believe my conscious.

We came home a day early because my friend’s father-in-law became ill and needed surgery. I was relieved to come home! One of the first things I did after I brought in my stuff and gave the dog a treat was to weigh myself. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me.

Jul 19 2009

My Box

I was reading a novel yesterday and the main character had a box hidden in the attic. It was full of money, fake ids, passports, credit cards, etc. He said he felt safe knowing that the box was there in case he needed to make a quick escape from his life.

That’s what it feels like to have a suicide plan. The more details I put into my plan the safer I feel. I don’t know if I’d ever be brave enough to go through with it, and there are some things that I just can’t get over. I know that children who have had parents who committed suicide are left with irreparable wounds. I know someone directly who was affected by her mother’s suicide. So no matter how much I try to convince myself that everyone in my life would be better off without me, I can’t get past the fact that I could be ruining two people’s lives by my action.

But it’s a comfort to know that I have a plan in case I ever need it. It’s my box hidden in the attic.

Jul 17 2009

Vacation Edginess

I’m leaving for the beach on Monday morning. I have some anxiety about it and I don’t know why. Possible reasons:

1. Food – not really an issue because I’m bringing a big cooler full of food and I will have my own car so I can go out and buy more food.
2. Exercise – also not an issue, I can run at the beach. It’s actually better running at the beach because it is totally flat.
3. What my friends think of my food and exercise – this is a trouble spot. I’ll be under their microscope.
4. Family – they can take care of themselves.
5. Dog – hopefully someone will take of her. She gets very depressed when I am not home and doesn’t eat for a few days, but eventually when she gets hungry enough she’ll eat. I am a little worried that my husband and daughter will forget about her though. Not huge anxiety.
6. Being with people for 5 days straight – um, hmmm. I will have my own room, we’re staying in a house. I’ll be able to have privacy and alone time. Not as much as I have in my normal life, but some. Not huge anxiety, but it’s there. I do love these friends though.

I think I just feel a bit uneasy about being away from home. I get like this sometimes. It’s not agoraphobia or anything extreme, just a homebody feeling. I’m having it lately, so maybe the thought of being away for 5 days is getting me edgy.

But I just keep thinking of the BEACH – the waves, the sand, the sun. I truly love the beach.

Jul 16 2009

Therapy Recap 7/14/09

Went to see J on Tuesday as usual. I was extremely anxious as usual. I was shaking like a leaf, and he said, “You can’t tell me you’re cold, it’s so hot in here. I just got done vacuuming.” (I always say I’m cold when I’m shaking. It’s really anxiety, but we pretend I’m cold.) Then we got into a discussion about why he doesn’t have a maid to clean his office. It was so weird to picture him vacuuming. He’s so different than the other men I know, my husband would never vacuum. He doesn’t even know how a vacuum works.

Then I showed J my robot. I told him that I wouldn’t be at my session next week because I’m going to the beach and it’s hard to come back after a break. So I thought I’d leave my robot with him, if it’s ok, and then I would have to come back to pick him up. He said that was fine. He said, in a sympathetic voice with a very sympathetic look on his face, “I feel bad for you.” I didn’t like that. I said, “I don’t want you to feel bad for me.” Then he told me how much he admired and respected me for continuing with therapy even though it is so hard for me. I didn’t really like that either. He thought it was a great idea I had about leaving the robot with him, that I used higher order thinking skills. Is that what I did? I had no idea.

Then we talked about my meltdown Saturday night after the day of compliments. He asked what some of the compliments were and I told him and we went over some reasons why it’s difficult to take compliments. He said that he has been swimming at a gym down the street and the last three times he was there a woman complimented him on his swimming and it makes him uncomfortable. He isn’t sure why she is doing this and he’s not sure how to respond. She is not a good swimmer, she just kind of paddles around in the shallow end, and then she gets in the hot tub with him. I said, “J, she is trying to pick you up.” He didn’t think so. He said he never thought of that. Remember, J is very good looking with a hot body that I am now picturing in a bathing suit that I hope to God isn’t a speedo because I don’t want to have a picture of that in my mind. He seemed a little clueless about the woman with the compliments.

So I was somewhat unable to explain why these compliments affected me so negatively and that led into me telling J about how I was disappointed that I didn’t die during my medical procedure. I said, that kind of explains things. I may seem competent on the outside, but I want to die on the inside. It’s not that I want people to know that, but I feel like a fraud, like I’m scamming people. He said, well, if you seem competent on the outside and you do everything that needs to be done plus more, doesn’t that mean you are competent? No, not if I feel so much pain on the inside. Why is this hard to explain?

I was afraid to tell him that I wanted to die, but he didn’t seem perturbed at all. We talked kind of jokingly about it, thinking of other medical procedures that I could have that would result in my death – liposuction (which he said I don’t need – huh?), gastric bypass, which I would have to gain at least 100 pounds for first, and I said I don’t have time for that.

I did say that in a way I’m glad I didn’t die, because I don’t have my things organized yet. Oops, I said, I didn’t mean to say “yet”. Freudian slip?

So J said, “I know you’re not going to commit suicide, but if a car crossed the double yellow line and killed you you wouldn’t mind.” Yeah, something like that.

About ten minutes after I left I got an email from him saying, “I checked my calendar and you did tell me that you wouldn’t be here next week. Thanks for leaving the robot with me.” That seemed weird. It didn’t seem necessary for him to send me an email. I sent him back an email saying, “Don’t get attached to the robot, remember your relationship is only temporary.”

Jul 14 2009

I Didn’t Die

So like I had mentioned I had a medical procedure on Friday and I had to be put to sleep with “twilight sleep”. They use certain drugs like morphine to make a person sleep so they don’t feel pain, but there is no loss of consciousness. Pretty great invention.

But when I woke up I was disappointed. I thought this would be the perfect way to die. First of all I wouldn’t know I was dying because I would be asleep, and second my husband could file a lawsuit against the doctors and maybe get some money from my death. So, yeah, I was disappointed.

I just had to get that out there.