The week flies by doesn’t it? Yes, today was therapy day. And when I showed up, J asked what we are talking about. I said, last week you picked the topic, now you want me to pick the topic. You can’t keep changing the rules like this.
I’m really blocked right now in therapy. I cannot talk about anything important. I know that one can’t have a deep session every week, but I kind of feel like I’m stuck at a certain level and can’t get words out of my mouth. We talked about the hotline, about eating, about exercise, about what is “good enough”.
There was an opening for me to talk about my suicide ideation, and I hinted at it, but J didn’t get it. Of course not, he is not a mind reader. We were talking about how my mother’s husband was having heart surgery. J asked me if thinking about that took my mind off of thinking about myself, and if it put things in perspective for me. I get the impression that he thinks I think about myself all the time. I don’t know how this happened. I just wrote the other day about how I think so much, but it’s not always about me. Every time I bring up someone else’s problems he asks if this puts things in perspective for me, as though I’m so narcissistic I could never consider anyone else’s problems. So J asked me how I feel about my mother’s husband’s surgery in relation to my life and I told him that I know that I would never be in this situation – where I had to have heart surgery. He said, “So you feel gratitude?” And I said, “More like resignation.” He asked, “You feel resignation about not ever needing heart surgery?” I said, “Well I know I’ll never be in that situation.” He thought I was talking about how I eat right and exercise and take care of myself. I said, “What?” He replied, “You take care of yourself so that you’re healthy so you won’t develop a bad heart.” I said, “That isn’t what I meant.” Of course he asked what I meant, and I couldn’t say, “I don’t plan to live long enough to develop a bad heart.” What I did say was, “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about that.” He asked why I didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t really answer. Then he said, in a petulant voice that wasn’t really very cute, “I WANNA talk about it.” I just couldn’t. I’m stuck.
I told him about how I tried to write down five things every day that I am grateful for, but had to quit after 2 weeks because I ran out of things. He asked if I was repeating things, and I said, “Of course not.” He said, you realize if you have to find 5 things every day that would be 1800 things a year, and 18,000 after 10 years. Well, yeah, I set the bar high! I guess that’s why I failed at that project.
J also thinks I need to meditate more. He asked me what are the times when my mind doesn’t think so much, and I said, “When I run.” But we talked about it and I said the effects don’t last. As soon as the run is over the thoughts start up again. So he thinks I should meditate. I think that is probably a good idea, meditation never hurts, right? I should schedule it into my day.
J gave me a homework assignment – every day write down one good thing I did, and one thing I’m grateful for. Considering he thinks I think about myself a lot, it seems like this homework assignment feeds into that.
I wrote J an email to explain how I don’t think about myself all of the time. I haven’t sent it, I’m always afraid to click the send button. Here it is:
I think that you think that I think about myself 24 hours a day and I’m sorry you have that idea about me. I do think a lot but it’s not always about me. For example:
For the past four days I have been thinking about my mother’s husband and his upcoming surgery, which was today, which was to replace a heart valve and to fix his aorta. This summer I went to the beach with a friend whose father in law had the same surgery, while we were at the beach, and an hour after his surgery ended he died. So I have been worried about my mother’s husband since we found out he needed this surgery.
I’ve been thinking about my daughter a lot because last year 99% of her best friends were seniors, and now they have all gone to college and she still has one more year of high school. The past few Saturday nights she has actually been babysitting because she doesn’t have friends to socialize with, and I feel badly for her, even though she has never complained. I’m concerned about what this school year will be like for her without her best friends around.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my son, who spends all of his time in his room; he sleeps all day and is up all night. He doesn’t drive and hasn’t made an attempt to get a job because he says he can’t get anywhere. We’ve been to the movies a few times and I love spending time with him because we are alike in a lot of ways and it’s sad that all of his friends have gone back to school and he hasn’t, and his life revolves around his computer, tv, and video games.
I’ve been thinking that I need to do some research into fair trade products because I would like to change some of the things I purchase in order to ensure that people around the world are receiving fair wages and are being treated with dignity.
I think about a lot of other things, reading the last few days of my blog I see that I have been thinking about the meaning of life, Steppenwolf (the book I’m currently reading), an essay that my daughter wrote for one of her college applications that freaked me out because she was writing it as though she was 70 years old and looking back at her life, my current fixation with movies and books about death and dying, my blogging friends who are having some problems, District 9 (the alien movie) and how people treat other people so poorly (even if they are aliens), a conversation I had with a couple of my friends about how their plans for their lives didn’t quite materialize the way they had intended, and other things as well. I realize that when I think about these things I am thinking about them in relation to my own life, but I am not thinking about myself the way that you think I think about myself. I don’t always mope around thinking about what a bad person I am, what a loser I am, how could anyone want to be around me, etc… I do think like that sometimes, but I don’t just have those thoughts all of the time and no others.
I don’t know how you got that idea and I just wanted to clear it up. Thanks.