J started with the usual, “What are we talking about today?” I had an answer ready, or should I say a question. I asked, “How did you know that D is a social worker?” (D was my son’s old therapist and the reason I started seeing J in the first place.) J said I told him that D is a social worker, or maybe he knows he is a social worker because he has a pretty good idea of who D is (I never would give him D’s last name, I’m afraid to tell him his name because I’m afraid he knows him or is a friend of his.) I said that I really don’t remember telling him that D is a social worker.
J wanted to know why this is an issue for me. So what if he knows D or is his friend? We had a whole discussion about that and how I would feel badly about talking negatively about someone who could be his friend, and how I would be embarrassed if J knows D. I’m also concerned that J won’t believe the things I told him about D if they are friends. Would you believe negative things said about your friend from someone who isn’t exactly mentally stable? I said that I know that I perceive things wrong, that I have learned that in therapy, so maybe everything I thought that D did wrong, or the things that bordered on unethical, were actually incorrect perceptions on my part.
Then he talked to me about perceptions. And how even if a perception is incorrect it is still how we feel and that needs to be taken seriously. If someone hurts our feelings we feel hurt even if the person didn’t mean to do it.
This led to a discussion about boundaries, since D didn’t really have any and my reaction to that is having really strong boundaries with J. He mentioned the time that I had to cancel my appointment because I was going out of town, and he offered to reschedule onto another day. I asked if that was a boundary violation. He was surprised that I would think a little thing like switching my appointment to another day is a boundary violation. I said that I would never switch my appointment, and he asked why not. I said it would be asking you for something, and I wouldn’t do that. He explained that first of all it’s ok to ask for something, and second people change appointments all the time and it’s no big deal. It’s part of his job, like cleaning his office, and he said he even cleans the toilet in the bathroom. I said I would never use his bathroom. He said, You would never drink out of the water cooler either. Yep, that’s right.
He asked me how long I’ve been thinking about whether or not he knows D because he said he was a social worker last week. I said I was thinking about it all week. He says he feels bad for me. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad for me, that he shouldn’t feel bad for me. I don’t want him to pity me, and he said he doesn’t pity me. I said well, it makes me feel like a loser if you feel bad about me, because if I wasn’t a loser you wouldn’t feel bad for me (interesting logic, isn’t it?). It’s not therapeutic. Then he explained how he felt, but I don’t remember what he said. My brain can only hold so much.
We got to talking about my mother again, and how it’s difficult because nothing is ever right. She’s like Goldilocks and the three bears, except nothing is ever “just right”. Either you talk too much, or not enough, you’re driving too fast, or too slow, you come over too much, or not enough. She is constantly making comments like this about everyone, although she doesn’t criticize me to my face. If she does criticize me she tells my sister, and then my sister tells me. I asked J why, if she is critical of others, I take it that she is criticizing me? And he said, Because she is your mother.
He explained that it is actually liberating to be with someone who criticizes everything. If you can’t do anything right you can just whatever you want! Hmmm. I have to process that. My reaction to her is that I can never do anything right. But I should think of it as just being able to do whatever I want because it will never be good enough for her. And he said that because she does this with everyone it has nothing to do with me. Hmmm, another thing to process. Her judgments have nothing to do with me. There is nothing wrong with me, it’s her. She does it with everyone. There is nothing wrong with me.
Wow, that is intense.
Later in the day my mother called me. She was at a store and she saw something I would like and she wanted to know if I wanted it in purple or brown. She bought it for me. Then I felt so bad about talking about her with J. She was in a store and saw something and bought it for me, after I’ve been complaining about her.
Tags: boundaries, feelings, good enough, guilt, mother, son's therapist
