Today is Halloween. My kids are teenagers and do their own thing these days. My daughter is visiting a friend who is away at college, and my son is going to a basketball game. We don’t get many trick or treaters because we live in an older neighborhood and there aren’t many children. Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays. I made and bought lots of decorations and candles and I had the house all fixed up for at least a month before Halloween. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. I don’t feel like doing much of anything frankly. Maybe the wellbutrin will help me get more motivated, interested in life again, able to have some fun. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I keep thinking about the girl who called the hotline Sunday who wanted to cut. I think about her every day, and every time I think about her I cry. She said she was holding her stuffed tiger while she was talking to me. I can picture her curled up on her bed with her tiger in one hand and her phone in the other. It makes me sad.
So I called my supervisor today to see if the girl has called again, and my supervisor said that she talked to her yesterday and she is adding her to regular callers list. I’m so glad that she is continuing to call. She shared some more details, which I won’t go into here for confidentiality purposes, but it’s good that she is opening up. My supervisor said, “I’m sorry you’ve been thinking about her so much.” This got me worried, I don’t want her to think that I’m getting too emotionally attached to anyone. I explained that this was the first child that I’ve talked to on the hotline and I was just concerned, but I’m fine. Yikes, I don’t want to get kicked off the hotline. I’m missing my shift this weekend because I’m running in a 10K, and I’m disappointed that I won’t be there. I think I may check and see if anyone is looking for a sub for next week so I can fill in a shift or two.
I woke up today and couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t take any klonopin last night, and I had a bad night. I get this thing that feels like I need to jump out of my skin. I don’t know what it is, and it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happened last night. Maybe because I took two klonopin the night before, and I had a really great sleep, and I took two more yesterday morning. I can’t believe I would have withdrawal after just 2mg of klonopin though.
I’m feeling anger, because it took me so long to get off the damn klonopin. I have three bottles of it in my drawer and I never touch it. Until Tuesday night. And it makes me so damn angry that I sleep so well when I take it, but I can’t sleep when I don’t take it. Is it too much to ask for a good night’s sleep.
I also started the wellbutrin yesterday. I never had a chance to talk to J about it, there just isn’t time. 45 minutes once a week goes by quickly. But I guess I really need it and I’m going to give it 6 months and see how it goes. I see my pdoc next week. Yesterday at about 2PM I was so tired, I guess from the klonopin. I was at work, alone, and I fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes. The klonopin also seems to affect my cognitive skills. I had a really hard time remembering what I did for lunch and what I ate. I had to search my brain to remember. God knows what else I did that I forgot. I only took 1mg in the morning, not a huge dose or anything, and no liquor with it.
I also cut a little. But I don’t want to talk about that. Except to say it didn’t even hurt, so it was waste.
I woke up today feeling sad and also angry. I’m angry that I go to therapy every week, and I try, I really do. I think I do. Maybe not enough. But I feel like it’s all I can do to talk about my feelings, it takes everything out of me, and then I’m told that my feelings aren’t logical. So J explains the logic of whatever the situation is, and I get that. I really really GET the FUCKING logic!!!!! I would tell anyone else the same thing.
But I CAN’T FEEL it. It is so frustrating. How do I FEEL it? I’ve read books, I’ve asked people, I’ve told J I can’t feel it. But no one has been able to tell me how to feel the logic.
I had a time frame for therapy. If I didn’t get better by a certain day I would use my backup plan. But due to a change of circumstances I can’t use my backup plan. Now I feel like I have no therapy and no backup plan. All I want to do now is be numb and sleeping.
I think I realized today that I have come as far as I can in therapy. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if my therapist doesn’t have anything else in his bag of tricks for me. I’ve known for a while that I feel stuck, that we are talking about the same kind of thing over and over. And it all comes down to J explaining the logic of situations to me, and I see the logic. I would say the same things to other people I know. But I can’t FEEL the logic. And he can’t tell me how to get the logic from my brain to my heart.
Today I printed out the October 21st entry and gave it to him to read. At first I think he understood the point of this, that I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can’t open up to people, I can’t share my thoughts and feelings with people. And looking back at my life I see this trait in myself from a very very young age. It’s a part of my personality. But later in the session he asked if I thought people can change. And then I thought that maybe he doesn’t understand the point I was making. Or maybe he thinks people can change their personalities. I don’t think so. I think people can change their behaviors or their habits, but not their personalities. J says I don’t need to still feel shame from something that happened 40 years ago. I told him that it’s now a built in part of my personality – I don’t dwell on it, I never even think about it! But it’s a part of my personality now.
He also talked, again, about being in the moment. That life is series of moments. I agree with him that living in the moment is a good way to be, but I think that the way we feel at any given moment is colored by what happened to us or around us for the trillions of moments that occurred before that moment. I don’t think we can truly be in the moment without influence from what came before. J doesn’t agree. He says if we are really in the moment then that stuff doesn’t matter.
At this point I feel like I am paying $19.40 (my co-pay) per week to have someone who looks like Brad Pitt talk to me, because this could be the only time in my life that someone like him would talk to me. And that isn’t really fair, I’m sure there is someone out there who is needing the help of a good shrink, someone who really can change. Someone not like me.
I’ll go back to my wellbutrin, klonopin, vodka, and cutting, and when that stops working there is always Plan B. But for now I think I’m done.
I’ve been taking a break from thinking for the past few days. It’s been nice. Things are moving along, nothing bad is happening, my family is healthy, the weather has been pretty good except for a major downpour yesterday which luckily happened after my run, and it is nice to not be obsessing about anything.
This morning on the hotline a 15 year old girl called and she said she wanted to cut. I’m not sure I was helpful to her. This was the first child I talked to on the hotline, and the first cutter. She was very sweet and I hope I helped in some small way. I won’t ever know though. I’m glad she called.
I’m worried about Aqua. I know she said she didn’t have internet access and was using the computer at the library, but she hasn’t blogged in over a month. Has anyone heard from her?
When I was young I used to yell at my little sister. Not yell, SCREAM! I would really lose it, I remember the feeling so well, even though it was 35 or 40 years ago. I hated her. I was very angry. But in addition to that I think that I had a lot inside of me that needed to get out. I never felt like I could “trouble” anyone with my thoughts, or feelings, or problems. So it got all stuck inside, and it needed to get out.
I’m not trying to excuse my behavior, I’m very ashamed of the screaming, and I know it affected my sister. I can still remember how her face looked when I did that to her, and about 20 years ago she mentioned it, but I blew it off and wouldn’t talk about it.
But it makes me sad to think of that little child with all that stuff inside of her that she didn’t feel she could get out.
J started with the usual, “What are we talking about today?” I had an answer ready, or should I say a question. I asked, “How did you know that D is a social worker?” (D was my son’s old therapist and the reason I started seeing J in the first place.) J said I told him that D is a social worker, or maybe he knows he is a social worker because he has a pretty good idea of who D is (I never would give him D’s last name, I’m afraid to tell him his name because I’m afraid he knows him or is a friend of his.) I said that I really don’t remember telling him that D is a social worker.
J wanted to know why this is an issue for me. So what if he knows D or is his friend? We had a whole discussion about that and how I would feel badly about talking negatively about someone who could be his friend, and how I would be embarrassed if J knows D. I’m also concerned that J won’t believe the things I told him about D if they are friends. Would you believe negative things said about your friend from someone who isn’t exactly mentally stable? I said that I know that I perceive things wrong, that I have learned that in therapy, so maybe everything I thought that D did wrong, or the things that bordered on unethical, were actually incorrect perceptions on my part.
Then he talked to me about perceptions. And how even if a perception is incorrect it is still how we feel and that needs to be taken seriously. If someone hurts our feelings we feel hurt even if the person didn’t mean to do it.
This led to a discussion about boundaries, since D didn’t really have any and my reaction to that is having really strong boundaries with J. He mentioned the time that I had to cancel my appointment because I was going out of town, and he offered to reschedule onto another day. I asked if that was a boundary violation. He was surprised that I would think a little thing like switching my appointment to another day is a boundary violation. I said that I would never switch my appointment, and he asked why not. I said it would be asking you for something, and I wouldn’t do that. He explained that first of all it’s ok to ask for something, and second people change appointments all the time and it’s no big deal. It’s part of his job, like cleaning his office, and he said he even cleans the toilet in the bathroom. I said I would never use his bathroom. He said, You would never drink out of the water cooler either. Yep, that’s right.
He asked me how long I’ve been thinking about whether or not he knows D because he said he was a social worker last week. I said I was thinking about it all week. He says he feels bad for me. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad for me, that he shouldn’t feel bad for me. I don’t want him to pity me, and he said he doesn’t pity me. I said well, it makes me feel like a loser if you feel bad about me, because if I wasn’t a loser you wouldn’t feel bad for me (interesting logic, isn’t it?). It’s not therapeutic. Then he explained how he felt, but I don’t remember what he said. My brain can only hold so much.
We got to talking about my mother again, and how it’s difficult because nothing is ever right. She’s like Goldilocks and the three bears, except nothing is ever “just right”. Either you talk too much, or not enough, you’re driving too fast, or too slow, you come over too much, or not enough. She is constantly making comments like this about everyone, although she doesn’t criticize me to my face. If she does criticize me she tells my sister, and then my sister tells me. I asked J why, if she is critical of others, I take it that she is criticizing me? And he said, Because she is your mother.
He explained that it is actually liberating to be with someone who criticizes everything. If you can’t do anything right you can just whatever you want! Hmmm. I have to process that. My reaction to her is that I can never do anything right. But I should think of it as just being able to do whatever I want because it will never be good enough for her. And he said that because she does this with everyone it has nothing to do with me. Hmmm, another thing to process. Her judgments have nothing to do with me. There is nothing wrong with me, it’s her. She does it with everyone. There is nothing wrong with me.
Wow, that is intense.
Later in the day my mother called me. She was at a store and she saw something I would like and she wanted to know if I wanted it in purple or brown. She bought it for me. Then I felt so bad about talking about her with J. She was in a store and saw something and bought it for me, after I’ve been complaining about her.
I have finally finished the huge PTA project that I have been procrastinating on. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I will never volunteer for anything like this again, never, never, never.
People liked me better when I was fat. Maybe I was more accessible. I know I was more likeable, more fun, easier to be with. That could also be because I was on anti-depressants.
Once a month I meet with friends that I used to work with when I taught nursery school. We meet for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Last spring I stopped eating Chinese food, because every time I ate it I would gain about 3 pounds. So I stopped having dinner with them. But last month I decided I could go and have steamed brown rice and steamed chicken and snow peas and it would be fine. Other women in the group get their own meals, not everyone shares and no one ever has a problem with it. So at our dinner I said I wasn’t going to share that night, I was going to order my own food. One of the women said, “What, are you too skinny to share?” I thought that was awfully rude, but I didn’t let it hurt my feelings (yay, that’s an accomplishment!) Eighty percent of the women in this group are thin, and the others aren’t fat, they could stand to lose 10 or 20 pounds, but they are perfectly fine the way they are. I don’t know why anyone is picking on me, I guess it’s because I’ve changed. I used to be a sharer and now I’ve gone solo.
Other ways I’ve changed because of my eating:
I don’t like to go out to eat
I don’t spend as much time with friends because I don’t like to go out to eat
I obsess about food a lot which reduces time in the day for fun, and makes me uptight
I obsess about exercising, which does the same thing
Or maybe I haven’t changed because of my eating, maybe I’ve changed because I went off of the wellbutrin. No, I don’t think so, because this eating stuff started to happen while I was still on the wellbutrin.
Or maybe people just like overweight people because they aren’t threatening? I don’t think I’m threatening, but people who are thinner than me are threatening to me. (I know that’s ridiculous, but I try to be honest here.)