Monthly Archives: November 2009

Nov 30 2009

Being the Perfect Client

Last week at my therapy session, J, my psychologist, told me that when he sends out his bills at the end of the month, mine is always the first check he gets. We talked about that for awhile, how I want to be the perfect client, and I know I suck at the therapy part of therapy so I’m trying to be really good at the logistics part of therapy to make up for it. We talked about what it would be like if I didn’t drive the check to the post office the day I get the bill so that he’ll get my check the next day. I get paid on the last day of the month, so it makes sense that I would pay the bill then also, but I do agree that I am somewhat obsessive about getting it to him quickly.

However I’m not sure I like that he told me this. When I left last week I had conflicting feelings about it. At first I thought, “Wow, mine is first, I must be special.” Then I realized I don’t want to be special, I want to be like everyone else. And I don’t want to feel like I have to be the perfect client. I know what you’re thinking – just wait a day or two before you send in the check. But it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple, is it?

Nov 28 2009

Darn Meds

Yesterday I increased my wellbutrin to 300mg which is the therapeutic dose. I was on wellbutrin for a few years, up until last December when I went off of it. While I was taking Wellbutrin I had serious insomnia, and my head was always buzzing. Guess what – it’s no different now. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I couldn’t fall asleep and I kept waking up, even though I took some benadryl, which usually does the trick. And my head is buzzing so badly I think I might go crazy. Is it possible that the side effects could get worse when you resume a medication? I’m going to give this two weeks and then re-evaluate.

I wanted to write about an experience I had last week when I asked a friend for help, but my head is buzzing too badly to think. But you would all be proud of me – I did ask a friend for help. As it turned out, I didn’t need her help after all, but I did ask. And she was happy to help!

Nov 27 2009

Thankful for Thanksgiving

Wow, life has been getting in the way of blogging this week. I hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a good one! Mine was much better than I thought it would be. First of all there was the Turkey Chase 10K. I was frankly dreading it; my last 10K, which was only three weeks ago, took a lot out of me. It took about 10 days to recover from that, and my runs during the week after the race, well, sucked. But I joined a new running group that uses the Galloway training method. Jeff Galloway is a proponent of the run/walk method. I’ve been doing this for the last few weeks, running 4 minutes and walking 1 minute. I used it in the race yesterday too, and I actually beat my 10K time from three weeks ago! And absolutely nothing hurts me today, there will be no recovery period at all this time. Another thing I noticed during the race was that I have had some really good training over the past 7 months. I noticed a lot of really strong runners who just couldn’t make it up the long (1.25 miles) hill which was during mile 4. But it really didn’t give me any trouble at all. I was psyched! My time was 1:03:42 – it’s not going to win me any medals, but for an old gal like me (who has only been running a little over a year) it’s darn good.

And then we spent Thanksgiving day with my husband’s family. I wasn’t looking forward to that either. I haven’t been in the mood to be with anyone lately, especially them. They can be difficult, in my opinion. But everyone was very friendly and on their best behavior, and there was plenty of wine and liquor which helped. And I think the endorphins from the race were flowing all day, so it was good.

And the food wasn’t as much of an issue as I thought it would be. I missed the brunch due to the race, which was the plan, so I just had my normal breakfast. I passed on the appetizers and had a spoonful of everything during dinner. And no dessert. It was a good food day. I hope you all had whatever kind of day that you wished for, and I’m thankful to all of my blog friends for your support and friendship.

Nov 23 2009

Insight is the Booby Prize?

Ever hear that expression “Insight is the booby prize”? I’ve been reading about this. I’ve been thinking about how therapy works, reading some books, looking at some websites….. Say you feel or behave in a certain way, and you look at your childhood and “A-ha!” you see where those thoughts or behaviors began. It’s nice to know. A reason for things is always good. But where do you go from there?

I came across this on a blog:

Unfortunately, simply learning these things about myself is not the out, the epiphany is not the reward, the cure. “Insight is the booby prize…” I’ve heard.

…the fact that I am bringing awareness to my back [pain], to this tension, where before there had been unawareness is major progress, I know. I know that nothing changes until something changes. It has to start with awareness. Then comes the desire for a different way.

I’ve been looking for healing for a while now, seeking out cures, fixes to this pain, tired of resigning to it day after day. However, armed with this new information, this new understanding, I know that all the therapies and drugs and treatments I have been going through to bring end to the back pain will be ineffective until I retrain my muscles to exist in a relaxed state. My body must learn a new natural state.

Oh, if only simply knowing were enough, but no, that’s not how the Universe is designed.

After the knowing comes the work. After the epiphany comes the effort.

Another good article:

Richard Stayton’s interview with “writer’s therapist” Dennis Palumbo is interesting:

Now, the thing about writers is that they’re so therapized. They’ve been in therapy for years, and they’ll lay out a lot of their family dynamics for me. But as I always say, “Insight’s the booby-prize of therapy.” That means change doesn’t come from insight. You need insight and awareness to understand what’s going on. But change comes from courage, the risk of challenging those meanings every day. If you’re someone who believes, for example, that if you get angry you’re a bad person, then you could have all the insight in the world as to where that comes from when you were a child. But every day you’re going to have to risk showing a little anger and seeing that people around you don’t fall over dead. And until you challenge that as an adult and go, “Wow, I got angry, and my loved ones still love me. Nobody thinks I’m a killer, and it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person.” Until you challenge that in the here and now, you’re not gonna change.

Insight = The booby prize.
Breakthrough = What occurs when you take committed action on an insight.

It makes a lot of sense. I know that I don’t let people too close to me, I don’t like to bother people, I don’t like to ask for help. And these behaviors go way back to my childhood and I know the reasons. That’s great, but now what? I guess it’s true, now I need courage. I need to try to let people in, to bother people, to ask for help…and then see what happens. Maybe people won’t run screaming in horror, or maybe they will. But I won’t know unless I have the courage to take the risks.

Nov 22 2009

Random Sunday Thoughts

Some random thoughts –

First, you must go visit my friend Aqua’s new blog. It is very interesting, and will be full of great insight and ideas, especially for those of us who are working on meditation or mindfulness, but not in the traditional sense. I had written about being a “kinesthetic meditator” because I need to be active in order to meditate – running, doing artwork, cooking, etc. I can really be in the present while I’m doing those types of activities. Aqua took this idea and is running with it, as they say. So go check it out.

Next, there is Thanksgiving. I’m not looking forward to this for a variety of reasons, one of which is the food issue. So I registered for a 10K the morning of Thanksgiving. That way I can burn off at least 600 calories before I even sit down to eat. That was my thinking, I didn’t sign up because it would be fun. Sigh.

And finally, speaking of food issues, I worked on a project yesterday and today. I used colored index cards and wrote one meal on each card, with its calorie count. Blue for breakfast, pink for lunch, purple for snacks, and white for dinner. I’ll put them into an index card box and each day I’ll pull cards for each meal. I’m doing this because I will have an easier time with shopping and meal planning and there will be less wasted food. It will also prevent me from grabbing junk on the run, or not having the healthy food I need in the house. I don’t think it is obsessive, did I hear someone say that? Oh, maybe it was just that darn little voice in the back of my head. How do I get that thing to shut up?

Nov 20 2009

Kindred Spirit

I’m feeling very lethargic. I do my stuff around the house, I go to work and work diligently, but beyond that I can’t seem to do much. I’m sorry if I’m sounding lazy and blah. I had jotted down some thoughts earlier in the week to give me ideas of things to write about.

When I was in 9th or 10th grade I met someone who had just moved to my town and my school. She seemed intimidating to me – very outgoing, not caring what other people thought of her, tall like me, but she wore heels unlike me (actually we didn’t wear heels, what was popular in 1975 was these platform sandals):

shoes

I was intrigued by her and got to know her. We started to hang out a little, and one day she said she was tired. I asked her why and she said she couldn’t sleep the night before because she forgot how to breathe.

I was so taken aback. I couldn’t believe that there was someone else out there who could forget how to breathe. And not only forget how to breathe, but talk about it as though it was no big deal. I shared my experiences in forgetting how to breathe – always at night, alone in my bed, in the dark. I would become aware of my breathing, and then become so conscious of it that I would forget how to do it, which would lead to an anxiety attack. She said the same thing happened to her. As time went on I discovered she had some of the same anxieties as I did.

It was quite a relief to know that I wasn’t alone. And it was astounding to me that she could talk about it, I never could. I wish I knew why I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about these things. This haunts me.

Nov 18 2009

Darn Good Tea

I made the best drink today. I used the Tazo Vanilla Rooibos chai latte concentrate (bought it at Safeway) and combined it in equal amounts with Vanilla Soy Milk (Silk brand). Heated it in a mug in the microwave. Then the ultimate taste enhancer – a shot of Amaretto liqueur. It was so yummmmmmyyyyyyy. I only had one due to the high caloric value. Light soy milk would be better. I might have some for breakfast, minus the liqueur.

Something I’ve been thinking about today. I’ve written before about my bad thoughts, thoughts that pop into my head and interfere with my thinking. Thoughts that I end up ruminating on, even though they came out of nowhere and aren’t worth spending 5 seconds on. My psychiatrist says this is OCD. So that is the perfect excuse, right? I’m not a bad person because I have these thoughts, I have OCD! A great excuse. Why aren’t I embracing this? Why would I rather think I’m a bad person, than be a person with a treatable, somewhat socially acceptable mental disorder? I’ve been thinking about that.

In the meantime, go get some of that tea. And some Amaretto.

Nov 17 2009

My Breathing Thing

I have a breathing problem. Well, I call it my “breathing thing” (BT). Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. This breathing difficulty starts without warning, sometimes starting slowly, sometimes not, and lasts a few months. Then it disappears for a while. My first episode of the BT occurred when I was planning my wedding, in 1988. I thought perhaps I was dying, so I went to the doctor. He told me I had “anxiety induced asthma” and he gave me an inhaler. The inhaler did not work, the only thing that relieved my breathing difficulty was drinking (liquor, not just general liquids). When I went out drinking, or had a few drinks at home, I could breathe easily. After I had had a few episodes of the BT I realized that it is not fatal, and I just live with it. I don’t talk about it with anyone.

My last episode of the BT was the worst. It started immediately after I “broke up” with my son’s therapist (no, we weren’t doing anything unethical, I mean I broke off our professional relationship). This was the worst episode of the BT that I had ever had. After about 6 months of it getting worse and worse I was seriously considering taking myself to the ER and asking for something to help me breathe. But then I woke up one day and it was gone. It’s been gone for a while now.

But now it’s back. It’s slowly creeping in this time, not a sudden occurrence. I notice it’s affecting my running; I started running after my last episode stopped so this is my first experience with the BT and running.

I never believed that I had anxiety induced asthma, or any type of asthma. First of all, if this was anxiety induced why didn’t the doctor suggest I do something about the anxiety? Secondly, when I was 27 years old I never would have admitted that I had anxiety, or any mental disorder. I remember all too well the judgmental, critical talk amongst family members when someone in the family had a “nervous breakdown” (what is that anyway?). Finally, if this was asthma, why didn’t the inhaler work?

Today I googled “anxiety induced asthma” and what a surprise, there is information about this on the internet. Apparently it exists, although there seems to be some doubt about whether it’s a real thing.

In any case, I expect the next 6 months or so to be somewhat trying. My psychologist is really pushing the mindfulness and meditation stuff. He wanted to loan me a mindfulness CD, but the last person he lent it to hasn’t returned it, so he wrote down the info for me. Turns out it’s an audio CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn, someone whose books I have read and who I really admire. I bought it from Audible, since I had 5 credits. I’m listening to it now on my itunes, although I find JKZ’s voice to be a bit too much like Woody Allen’s, he does have good things to say.

I’m afraid of doing any meditations involving breathing however, because the more I think about and am aware of my breathing the worse the BT gets. When I used to be in my flying support group we had a relaxation exercise at the end of every session, and my wonderful therapist knew that I couldn’t handle breathing exercises so she always did other ones when I was there. I’m hoping there will be some exercises on this CD that use other techniques besides breathing.

Anyone else have a BT?

Nov 16 2009

Dr. Jane Goodall & Chimps

This morning on the Today Show, which I usually avoid because I don’t really understand the point of the show, was the woman from Connecticut who was attacked by a chimp and lost most of her face and both of her hands. This is a tragic story, and I googled this to learn some more. Apparently the attacked woman has been appearing on many shows lately, and at first I thought this was pure sensationalism, but I now think it’s a good thing.

I don’t believe in keeping wild animals in captivity. Dogs and cats, yes. They have been domesticated. There is no way my dog could live in the wild. She wouldn’t even survive a night in the backyard. But wild animals, no. I don’t go to zoos, have I mentioned that before? It was hard when my children were little. Everyone wanted to go to the zoo on playdates, but I don’t do zoos. The zoo in Washington DC makes me cry. Lions and tigers and bears (and elephants and walruses, etc) don’t belong in Washington DC. I have been to the Animal Kingdom in Disneyworld, and I’m somewhat conflicted about that. The animals seemed to have a lot of room to roam around, and were somewhat free and safe.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I had no idea that chimpanzees could be 200 pounds. After doing a bit of research I see that most don’t get bigger than 150 pounds. Perhaps living in captivity and eating human food has led to obesity of pet chimps, making them even more dangerous.

I don’t understand why someone would want to have a chimpanzee as a pet. Sure they look cute on tv. Sometimes they are dressed up and make that funny monkey noise and eat bananas. But they should not be pets.

Coincidentally, or not, Dr. Jane Goodall was on the Daily Show last Thursday. I have been a fan of hers since I worked at the National Geographic Society back in the 80’s. I admire her work, and now that I see her on TV I admire her even more because she doesn’t seem to think aging is an obstacle to her in any way. She did a chimp greeting ritual with Jon Stewart that was quite funny. But the aging thing is another story.

Dr. Goodall says in the wild chimps don’t bite off other creatures’ faces (not that they don’t get aggressive, she is not saying that). They don’t belong in peoples’ homes. I so admire Dr. Goodall, I would love to be like her. To be involved in important work that other people find educational and useful, to be respected, to work towards a peaceful co-existence between animals, people and the earth, to motivate people for change, and to be moderate, gentle, and graceful. I’m going to go to Amazon right now and buy her book to put on my kindle.

Nov 14 2009

Some Therapy Recap from 11/10/09

I never wrote about my therapy session this week. But I’m trying to process something J and I talked about. We got back on the subject of being good enough, and how I think I’m not a good friend, a good mother, a good wife, etc. J has been talking about mindfulness lately, I guess he thinks it would be a good thing for me to practice. I have nothing against mindfulness, to me it is just being aware of what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what is going on around me in this very instant.

So anyway, as we were discussing the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough, and that I think J is perfect and I should strive to be like him, he said, “Right at this very moment, you are perfect.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. I asked him, “What do you mean?” He said, “Just at this very moment, you are perfect.” I said, “I’m the same person I was a moment ago, and the moment before that, and an hour ago and a day ago. What are you talking about?” And he said, “But at this very moment you are not doing anything bad or wrong.” It occurred to me then what he meant and I said, “You are talking about actions, aren’t you? As opposed to being?” Yes, I had to admit at that very moment I was not doing anything bad. But I said, “What does that have to do with me being good or bad or perfect? Just because I’m not doing anything bad right now?”

And I think that is when J realized that I don’t think I’m a bad person because of anything I do, it’s because of who I am inside. I don’t know why he didn’t know this before, I guess I have not been very good at communicating this. I said, “How about John Muhammad. He is probably sitting in his jail cell right now. He isn’t doing anything. He’s not doing anything bad right at this moment. But does that mean he isn’t a bad person? He is still going to be put to death this evening, even though he isn’t doing anything bad at this moment.” It took him a while to respond to this, I even said, “Where’s your snappy comeback?”

I do realize that I am nothing like John Muhammad, and that example was very extreme. But I was trying to make a point. And I think J finally was able to understand how I feel. He told me I am a good person. I asked how he knew that, and unfortunately I can’t remember what he said. I hate when that happens, and I suppose I should ask him again.

At the end of the session he leaned forward in his chair and looked directly in my eyes and said, “You are a good person. You are. You ARE.”