I couldn’t believe it after J’s email on Friday which said, “Hopefully we can discuss this further on Tuesday” (referring to our email conversation about my inability to communicate leading to people misunderstanding me), but he opened our session by asking, “What are we talking about today?”
I said, “Whatever.”
He said, “So I don’t get you.” OK, so I guess he did remember the email. Why he has to play that game at the beginning, I don’t understand.
We talked about why I felt he didn’t understand me at the last session, how he asked at the very end if I wanted to send the email I was planning to send to the woman I work for to him first. I told him that negated our whole conversation because my problem wasn’t writing the email to her, it was sending it. He tried to explain that he didn’t want me to send it to him so that he could proofread it, but to give me encouragement to send it. Whatever.
Then I told him that I actually did not send her the email saying that I couldn’t work for her. That I sent her an email saying that I could work for her, and it was his fault. Because I didn’t want to do what he told me to do. He didn’t understand that. He was saying, “Well, you didn’t want to work for her and I was just helping you tell her that.” I know that. The reason I didn’t want to do what he told me to do was because I was angry that he didn’t understand me during the session. I can’t remember if I told him that or not.
Then I told him that if I sent her the email saying I couldn’t work for her she might find someone else and then I would discover that I’m replaceable and I’d be a nobody. He went into a long thing about how we are all replaceable. He did a lot of logicalizing. Then he tried to get me to see that I am irreplaceable to my kids, husband, family and friends, but I don’t really see that. Although when my father died and my mother remarried I remember telling people that you can’t replace a parent, but you can replace a spouse. Wonder why that doesn’t apply to me.
I told him about Jamie Oliver and how his experiments with the school children in West Virginia kept failing, but he didn’t see it as a reflection of himself, and he just kept on trying, where I would have quit. And how I’m so selfish, unlike Jamie Oliver. J went into a whole thing about selfish vs unselfish and how everyone is somewhat selfish, even Barak Obama and his health care reform (huh?). He said he doesn’t think I’m selfish.
I told him how I almost quit the hotline and the events that transpired there, and how it was selfish of me to quit because of negative feedback. That led to him concluding that my feelings of self-worth come from external points of view – things other people say about me, and things other people do. I think that is fairly obvious, and I believe he realized this months and months ago, but obviously I have not made much progress here.
Then I said, “Like when you forgot to answer my email last week – that made me feel worthless.” He asked me how many times we have emailed each other. I don’t know, a lot. I told him the good email exchanges don’t count; forgetting me once is what I focus on. He said he had no excuse for not emailing me. Thanks a lot. I don’t want him to lie, but that would have been a perfect time for him to make up an excuse – his kid was sick, he had a lot to do because he was going out of town, etc. Because he had no excuse for forgetting to email me I can only come to one conclusion – I am totally forgettable. Worthless.
He asked me how much my feeling of worthlessness improved after he did eventually respond, and I said, “ZERO.” He asked me how much I thought this feeling should have improved, and I said, “Lots of things should happen in this world – there should be peace on earth, children shouldn’t be starving in Africa.” And then it was time to go. Bye.