Monthly Archives: May 2010

May 31 2010

It’s All About the Shame

I was at the pool this afternoon with my Kindle and I was browsing through the books I had on there, unable to really focus on anything. I saw the title “I Thought It Was Just Me” by Brene Brown, a book about shame that I read a year or so ago. I started to read parts of it again. Anyone who is suffering from shame issues due to whatever might like this book. It focuses on women and shame, and really makes you feel like you are not alone or weird. Her solution for getting out of the shame rabbit hole is to talk about it. That is not so easy. Anyway, while I was reading I realized that the issues that were troubling me last week all have this in common – they are all related to my shame.

The first thing that happened was when I was telling a friend about something that occurred and she gave me a response that was intended to be helpful, but it hurt my feelings. Then I got all babyish and pissy and wallowed in my hurt for a while wondering why no one understands me.

The second thing was when my son quit working with the counselor, and I asked my husband if he had any ideas about what we could do about my son and he didn’t seem to be interested in discussing it or dealing with it.

The third thing was calling my son’s old therapist because I didn’t know where else to go for help. However when he basically blew me off all of the old feelings came back, including remembering that he told me I was difficult to work with, standoffish, sarcastic, etc. (See yesterday).

I think all three of these involve my feelings of shame. In the first instance, I thought I was feeling hurt, but I was actually feeling shame. I was ashamed of myself because of a fear I have which is irrational and illogical, and when I shared it with my friend and she responded in a helpful way it made me feel ridiculous about myself for being afraid.

In the second instance I am ashamed of myself for everything that I screwed up in my son’s life and for my inability to get my husband involved in any way.

And in the third scenario I am full of shame, about continuing with my son’s old therapist because I was unable to terminate even though I knew it wasn’t helping, about getting in touch with him again, and remembering what he said about me.

I’m wondering if anxiety is really my major problem, or if it is shame. And I am wondering why it is difficult for me to identify emotions. I know that I feel emotions, and quite strongly, but to me a bad emotion is a bad emotion, and I don’t really differentiate all of the bad ones. Maybe I should try harder to actually figure them out, but I don’t know if that is helpful or not.

May 30 2010

Why Would He?

When we were working with my son’s therapist he said I was standoffish, sarcastic, argumentative, and pessimistic. And that I was difficult to work with. So why would he call me back? He obviously wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

May 29 2010

Unbelievable

My husband and I go to the same primary care doctor. My husband went this week for his annual exam. Tonight at dinner we had this conversation about the doctor:

K (my husband): Dr. H was asking about the kids and I told him about A (our son). He said you should call him to talk to him about A, he has some ideas.

Me: Why couldn’t you talk to him about his ideas for A?

K: Dr. H says that mothers are much more involved with their kids and that you should talk to him.

Me: You were right there in his office, and you couldn’t ask him about what his ideas are?

K: Well, he said you should talk to him.

May 29 2010

Weekend Update

Remember that from Saturday Night Live? “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.” We thought that was hilarious.

Anyway….

Update #1 – Party and Cake

I went to the party, I brought the cake. I couldn’t stop myself from mentioning that I didn’t think it came out as pretty as it usually does due to the hot day, blah blah blah. People ate it, people said it was good. There was about half of it left (there were lots of desserts) so I doled it out and people took some home. One person commented on my Facebook today that it was very good cake and it was excellent breakfast food.

Want to hear the primary reason why I brought the cake to the party? It is going to sound silly, so if you are not in the mood for dumb then you should close out of this page right now.

Still here?

OK, you have been warned.

I thought if I brought the cake to the party I would be able to tell J on Tuesday that I did it. I brought a less than perfect cake to a party where I didn’t know half the people very well, and I didn’t know the other half at all. I thought he would be proud of me. So after subjecting myself to this experience, he sure as hell better say something good to me when I tell him the story on Tuesday.

As for the party and the people. It was great to see the Mississippi people again, and they seemed happy to see me. This was the first time they’ve seen me looking normal – makeup, hair, nice clothes. But you know what, I bet it wouldn’t have mattered how I looked. They are just nice people. Methodists, you know. Any of my readers Methodist?

The spouses were nice too. Dan, a very good looking, friendly, dare I say flirtatious, guy who I got along very well with in Mississippi, brought his wife. She wasn’t so friendly. Maybe she is shy. At one point he asked her to come into the TV room to watch the slideshow I made and she said, “I’m talking, maybe later.” And he made a comment about being blatantly shot down. I felt kind of bad for him. They had taken two cars and she left early. Maybe she wasn’t feeling well.

All in all, very fun. Lots of wine, lots of food. I would love to hang out with these people again.

Update #2 – Son’s Therapist

I had emailed him Thursday morning at 9:30am. He emailed me back at 1:30pm Friday, a very short email saying to call him at the office or on his cell. I called the office, got the voice mail and left a message. Then I called the cell phone and he picked up immediately. He knew it was me and he said, “Hey Harriet, can I call you back in 15 minutes.”

That was the last I heard from him – yesterday at 2pm.

This is typical, totally brings back all of the feelings from the days when we were seeing him weekly. Ugh.

May 28 2010

Unmindfulness

I know I am supposed to be more mindful, but I am finding that being unmindful can be very helpful.

Yesterday I had to cut something with a knife. Knives are a problem for me, the sight of a knife generates bad thoughts, and actually holding and using one can be scary. But I like to cook and eat and therefore I must use knives.

How to solve this dilemma? Unmindfulness! While using the knife, allow your mind to zone out. Don’t pay attention to the smoothness of the handle, to the shininess of the blade, to the first squirt of lemon juice that pops out as you slice the lemon. Zone out …. have an imaginary conversation with someone in your head, pretend you are in Zambia about to go on safari, think about your 8th grade graduation and how your friend’s little brother unscrewed all of the lids from the salt shakers in the restaurant so that the next time someone went to shake salt on their food the lid fell off onto their steak.

Whatever it takes to forget that you have a knife in your hand that you are using in an aggressive manner. Yes, you are just slicing a lemon, but hey, that is aggressive. Live in the past, live in the future, worry about your taxes, obsess about whether you should turn on the heat or the a/c tonight, do all of those things Jon Kabat Zinn says we are not supposed to do.

What will be the result? No one has been stabbed, you haven’t cut your wrists, and you have a nice sliced lemon that you have no recollection of slicing.

May 28 2010

Trying To Accept Good Enough

The cake didn’t come out very good. I don’t like the way it looks. The frosting isn’t fluffy enough, and therefore not thick enough. I’m so tempted to throw it away and either leave work and spend the day making a new one, or just not go. Or buy one at a bakery and lie and say I made it.

But I’m trying to accept that this cake is good enough. It’s hard because the cake has been built up to be this super extraordinary masterpiece due to all the talk of it on facebook. And they saw the pictures of the one I made for Mother’s Day, which looked really beautiful. This one looks somewhat sad.

I’m really trying. It would normally be impossible for me to show up at a party, especially with people I hardly know, with anything less than perfect. But I’m really trying to believe that it is good enough and that they don’t really care.

May 27 2010

I Was Desperate

Last night my son told me that he didn’t want to work with the transition counselor anymore. He told me that he isn’t doing anything for him that he can’t do for himself. Which may be true, but my son isn’t doing anything for himself. However, I didn’t really see much happening with the counselor helping him either. And the counselor wanted him to try neurofeedback, which I was starting to research, and my son said he doesn’t want to do it. He said the things the counselor suggested are weird and haven’t been proven to be successful (ie; Brain Gym). The fact that they can’t hurt to try didn’t seem to impress him.

So I called the counselor today and told him that we would be terminating.

He had told me that he likes my son, that he is genuine and honest, that he is a good kid who isn’t doing drugs or drinking, and who respects his parents. Unlike a lot of floundering kids. Today he told me that my son is a gentle soul and he is just stuck, and he can’t figure out how to get him unstuck. And he is socially very isolated, whether by choice, because of depression or anxiety, or just very introverted, he does not know.

I told my husband that my son didn’t want to continue with the counselor. My husband, as is his usual way, did not say a word. And I’m not saying that in a metaphorical way. He literally did not say a word. I asked him what we should do, if he has any ideas and he said he does not know.

So we are back at square one, and once again it is all on me. And I was feeling desperate. I don’t know what to do for him. J can’t help me, when I asked him to help with my son it turned into a huge mess. My husband has no clue, or doesn’t want to be involved, or something, I don’t know what. And people are asking me, constantly, what is up with my son. What is he doing? He’s not working? He’s not going to school? Shut up already!!!!!

So I did something I probably should not have done. I emailed his old therapist. If you search this tag you could read about our history. He was not a good therapist. He was borderline unethical. He was definitely unorganized, frequently forgetting our appointments, double and TRIPLE booking, promising to do things that he never did, not returning calls or emails, the list of infractions goes on and on. And it’s not just me, I have heard this from others as well.

But I emailed him to ask for help. I asked him if we could talk, just he and me, that my son doesn’t want therapy. That I would pay whatever it is he charges, that it could be on the phone or in person.

That was at 9:30 this morning, and I have not heard from him. Of course we are entering into a holiday weekend here in the US, so perhaps he is away. Although the very first time I called him to set up an appointment he called me back from the beach.

I think it was a mistake to contact him. But I don’t know what else to do, where else to get help. I have screwed up with my son so much already, and if I do anything on my own I know whatever I do will be the wrong thing.

And tomorrow night is the Mississippi reunion party, and I made the red velvet cake, and I don’t like the way the frosting turned out. It was over 90 degrees here today, not good conditions for making frosting. I think it sucks. It’s chilling now, I hope it is better tomorrow. Otherwise I may just throw it in the trash and stay home.

May 26 2010

Adventures in Beigeville 5/25/10 – Part 2

So let’s see what else we talked about. J didn’t really address the items on my lists specifically, I guess because they all come down to me finding negative things about myself. And he seems to really not bring up suicide or death at all, those issues were on the list and he just ignored them. I didn’t mention how often I think about this, how the “equipment” is in the back of my car, how I did a trial run, etc. I brought it up a couple of times in previous sessions, I have emailed him about it, we talked on the phone about it, and I guess he figures that his work in this area is done. That he has convinced me to stay alive. And since he doesn’t ask questions he doesn’t know anything unless I bring it up. And it is difficult to keep bringing it up all the time. So I guess we’re done with the suicidal ideation discussions.

He went off on the mindfulness stuff again. How my problem is anxiety and my mind thinks too much. He asked if I have ever been to the Grand Canyon, and I said yes. He asked how I felt when I saw it, and I said I was scared I would fall in. He looked dismayed and I realized that I gave the wrong answer. So I said, “It was amazing. It was big.” He talked about how a person can be in the present when they are in a situation like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time, and I should be mindful instead of letting my mind go crazy. I said what am I supposed to do, go to the Grand Canyon every time my mind wanders? He said that wouldn’t work, he doubts the Park Rangers there are impressed after they have been working there for a while.

A while ago he had suggested I get an audio cd called “Mindfulness for Beginners” by Jon Kabat Zin. I had read his book “Full Catastrophe Living” previously and liked it. So I got the audio version and put it on my ipod and listened to it, but I haven’t listened in a while. I found that while I was being mindful and letting my mind empty itself of its never ending thoughts, that is when the bad thoughts came in. I told J that, and he said that is common for distracting thoughts to enter people’s heads when they practice mindfulness. And I told him that most people probably think things like, “Oh I better pick up the dry cleaning.” But I think really bad thoughts, and they just come into my head, and that is why I have to keep my mind working at all times. He said, “So the perseverating is a defense against bad thoughts?” Yes! Exactly!

He looked kind of baffled, like he doesn’t know what to do about that. Hopefully he is googling the answer so that he’ll be able to find the solution.

So I’ve been listening to the audio book, and I got to a part that I didn’t really understand. I wish there was a print version of this, but there doesn’t seem to be. I transcribed this:

The interesting thing really happens when you start to question who you are and where you are going. How much do we actually know with certainty who we are or are we just creating some gigantic story for ourselves and then when the story seems to be going well we’re just tremendously happy and full bore ahead into what’s next and when the story turns a corner or maybe even for one reason or another even from early childhood is a story of mayhem and disaster and abuse and neglect or not being seen then the story we tell ourselves is one of being completely imprisoned or completely unworthy or completely unintelligent or whatever it is that we tell ourselves to create this story that there is no hope for us. And what mindfulness is saying is “This is just all thinking”. It’s highly supported by all sorts of evidence that you can xxxx (couldn’t understand this word) from your past why you’re no good or why you’re the greatest thing to hit the planet since sliced rye bread, but all of those are just obsessions around self-centeredness. That when you begin to question it or look at who is doing all this talking inside my own head you realize that you don’t even know. And if you actually want to taste wholeness which is the root meaning of the word healthy, the word healing, the word holy, the irony is that it’s here in all moments; this rotation in consciousness that allows us to actually see and realize that we are seeing, to think and to know what’s on our minds, to feel, to experience emotion and to be in relationship to a new way that is actually wise and is actually self-compassionate and doesn’t saddle ourselves with stories of how great we are or stories of how horrible we are or inadequate we are that then kind of serve like cement blocks that keep us sinking in some kind of ocean or some morass of our own, to a very large extent, of our own creation. So from that point of view it’s not like meditation is saying you should know who you are, it’s much more can you question who you are and be comfortable with not knowing because when it comes right down to it people say well who are you ….

And this leads me to think: What the fuck? First of all it is insulting to anyone with a messed up childhood. They are obsessing around self-centeredness? They are making up a story? That’s basically the only thing I understand in this paragraph. What the hell is he talking about?

There are other parts that I need to transcribe and post here, that are equally as non-understandable. But basically he is saying that mindfulness is being aware. I think I’m pretty aware. So I don’t understand what I am supposed to be doing exactly. Turning off my mind I guess. And J tried to convince me that I would never do the things that my mind comes up with, that they are just thoughts not actions. And he told me I am always questioning whether I am a good or bad person, but there is no way to know. I said that was discouraging, and he said, why? If you know it is impossible to find the answer it is a relief. You don’t have to keep asking. That is totally confusing to me.

J also said something about how with some people he has to dig deeper to figure out their emotions, but that I feel too much. Is it possible to feel too much? He told me this once before, that I need to water down my feelings. This after he has told me repeatedly that I am not too sensitive.

Does he even know what he is talking about?

May 25 2010

Adventures in Beigeville 5/25/10 – Part 1

Last night I emailed J with some topics that I would like to talk about today. Last week he had said that we could continue our discussion, but I was fairly certain that he would forget and I didn’t want to deal with feeling hurt by that, so I put it on the list. Other things on the list included my thoughts about how I think I manipulate people into thinking they care about me, upcoming social engagements that I am unsure whether to attend, and my hospital visit yesterday. I wrote that I didn’t really want to talk about the hospital episode, but he could read about it on my blog and I gave him the address again.

So when I arrived this morning he said, “I know the hospital is #4 on your list and you said you didn’t really want to talk about it, but can we talk about it?” I told him that I went to the hospital and everything is fine, and I didn’t want to talk about it. Apparently he didn’t take me up on my offer to read about it on my blog, which is fine. But I didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then he took my list that we were discussing last week out of my file and looked at it for a while, and looked at this week’s list and seemed to find that some of the items overlapped or are related. And what it comes down to is me over thinking things, trying to find evidence that people don’t really like me or care about me, and valuing other people’s opinions over my own.

We spent a good deal of time talking about the party that I was invited to this Friday night given by the 10 people I met in Mississippi. They are having a reunion party and want me to come too. This party also includes spouses. I did already tell them that I would come, and they asked me to bring my red velvet cake, which they saw on my Facebook that I made for mother’s day. I was saying that they only invited me to be nice, because they are nice people, they are Methodists, and they are all on Facebook and if I saw that they were having a reunion party I would feel bad if I wasn’t invited.

Then we got into how I got this idea in my head last week that I manipulate people into thinking they care about me, and I asked him if he thinks I do this, and he said I don’t. He said it is human nature to try to get what we need, though, but he doesn’t consider it manipulation, which is something much more extreme.

We talked about whether I want to be connected with people or not, since I had told him that connections with people are what make life worth living. I said that it is good to have connections if one wants to live, if one doesn’t want to live it is easier to not have connections. Then we got into a discussion about what a connection actually is, and it seems I have a higher expectation than him of what constitutes a connection. Maybe my expectations are too high. But we did talk about having deep connections with some people and more superficial connections with others and that both types are important.

He said my connections with the Mississippi people are the most pure right now. There isn’t any baggage attached, and maybe that is why I am hesitant to go to the party. That they might “find out” about me, and not like me anymore. I also said that I am hesitant because there will be spouses there, and that is about 10 more people who I don’t know and it makes for a bigger crowd as well. He asked if my husband is going, and I said no, that I would not ask him to go because he would be bored and I would feel like I had to entertain him the whole time. I asked J if he would go to a thing like this if his wife asked and he said, “I don’t think I would have a choice.” Then he kind of laughed that off like he was kidding. You know, that is not the first time he has made a disparaging remark about his wife. I guess he is trying to be funny, but I find it disconcerting.

So he asked if I would feel better if my husband was there or not there, and I said I would feel better if he was not there.

He tried to convince me that the Mississippi people like me and finally I said, I don’t understand that, why do they like me, what is there to like? And he said they met me, they spent time with me, and they liked the person they came to know. That’s it. He said that basically, I went to Mississippi (that word is so damn hard to type), I met some people, they were nice, they liked me, they are having a party, they want me to come and bring cake, and they want to spend time with me. The end. It should be that easy. I shouldn’t “CSI-Harriet” it so much. And he said that not all Methodists are nice, the same as not all people are nice. I have never met any Methodists before as far as I know, so in my world they are all nice.

To be continued…..

May 24 2010

Went To The Hospital Today

I spent almost 6 hours in the hospital today. And I’m not exactly sure why.

This morning I got up, and it was actually hard to wake up, which I thought was due to my taking a klonopin last night before bed, but it was only .5mg, nothing out of the ordinary. I went downstairs to make my coffee and started to get chest pains. I had this once before; I think it was 2 years ago, but it might have been three. At that time it took quite a while to go away. I didn’t think it was related to my heart, but I didn’t know what it was. It was a dull ache in my chest, and a little in my back, and also in my jaw.

So today when I got it again I was a little worried. I also went out to lunch this weekend with one of my blog friends Hillary, and she was telling me about her experience with this same thing. So that was on my mind. I drank half a cup of coffee, and my chest was really hurting. No matter what position I got into, it didn’t help. It wasn’t continuous, but off and on.

So I got dressed, put on makeup (of course) and drove myself to the hospital. Not the crappy one close by, but the one where the doctors seem reasonably capable about 20 minutes away. I decided it wasn’t necessary to go to the super duper hospital which would have taken at least twice as long to get to.

So I got there, parked in the pay lot and walked to the ER. There wasn’t anyone in the waiting room and an ER nurse took me in a little room and took my temp and BP and he did an EKG and put a thing on my finger and stuck in an iv and took about 4 vials of blood out of me. Then he took me to a private room and said a doctor would come soon and I could call if I needed someone. My new nurse came in, his name was Lester, and he was so nice. He gave me the telephone and I called my husband. He asked if I wanted him to come to the hospital, but I said no, it wasn’t necessary.

So around then the chest pains stopped of course. But they kept me hooked up to the ekg and bp machine and I just hung out. Someone came in with an xray machine and took a chest xray. Then after a while a doctor came and he was really nice. He said all the tests were normal and he was going to give me an aspirin and call my cardiologist. He said he didn’t think I had a heart attack, but it could be an attack of angina.

Then he left and after a while Lester brought my aspirin and he hooked up my iv with saline. I finally got pretty bored and turned on the tv and watched “What Not to Wear”. Then another doctor came in, but she wasn’t really a doctor, I’m not sure what she was, but she was really nice too. She said I could either check in to be observed overnight, or wait 2 hours and have the blood work repeated because the enzymes that show up after a heart attack don’t appear until 4 hours after the pain. I voted to wait 2 hours and not check in. I asked her if I could have a drink and she said I could have water or juice. But no one ever came back to give me any.

While I waited I must have fallen asleep. Around 1:30 Lester came back and took 3 or 4 more vials of blood. Then another doctor came in, he is a partner of my cardiologist. He talked faster than any human being I have ever met. My cardiologist is very soft spoken, gentle, not so much of a sense of humor, but that’s ok. This guy was telling jokes, talking a mile a minute. I remember little snippets of what he said, but basically I have no idea. Except he said he doesn’t know what was wrong with me and I should come into the office for a stress test. He also said I have right ventricular conduction, which 1% of the population has, and not to worry about it. When I was young I had some heart issues and I remember being told I had an unusual heart rhythm then. I guess whatever it is isn’t fatal or I’d be dead by now.

Then I had to wait for that last blood test to come back from the lab, which was negative, and Lester took out my iv and I went home. Oh, and I asked him if there was a soda machine and he brought me two little cans of ginger ale. For free.

So while this was going on I called my husband a couple of times to keep him updated, and then I figured out I could email with my blackberry. The service was terrible, but the emails seemed to be going through, albeit slowly. Luckily my friend Grace was there for me all day and put up with my complaints and worries. I also emailed my boss, because she was expecting me and I told her what was happening, even though I didn’t want anyone to know. Then she sent me an email saying she was worried about me, which was nice. Around noon my husband emailed me to say he was going out to lunch and if I needed him I could call his cell or text him.

At one point Lester and I started talking and he told me about his kids who are two little boys aged 5 and 3. They get up really early in the morning and start running around and wrestling and want things, and I thought, how great that my kids are older and sleep until noon. Lester was very nice and I told him that I hoped I wasn’t too much of a bother. He said if all patients were like me he could be a nurse until he is 90. I said, well, it’s not hard for me to be good if there actually isn’t anything wrong with me. Then he said I shouldn’t feel like I wasted anyone’s time or effort because if I really did have something wrong with my heart it is much harder to fix it after the fact, and whenever anyone gets chest pain they should have it checked out. That was reassuring, although I still feel like they all thought I was a wacko and it was all in my head.

I never told them I have an anxiety/panic issue or that I take anti-anxiety meds. They asked me about my meds about 5 times, and, whoops, it just never came up. I didn’t want them to write off any physical problem by blaming it on anxiety.

So that was my exciting day. Not very exciting, which is good, and I guess there is nothing wrong with me, but I’m going to make an appointment with my cardiologist, the slow talking one, for a stress test. Thank you Grace, for being with me today. And thank you Research in Motion, for inventing the Blackberry.