Monthly Archives: August 2010

Aug 31 2010

Therapy Recap 8/31/10

I started by saying I was sorry for not being nice last week, and J said it was no problem, not even a blip on his radar screen, but he accepts the apology. He thought I was frustrated for a short time, but I said that I thought I put up a big wall and I was sorry. Then I noticed his lamp. I was watching Entourage Sunday night and I recognized the lamp in Ari’s office, but I couldn’t remember where I had seen it. And there it was on J’s desk! I asked him if he watched Entourage and he said he did, and I told him he has the same lamp as Ari, but Ari has the tall one, and J has the desktop version. That was a relief, it was kind of bugging me trying to remember where I had seen that lamp.

Then he brought out the box and asked if I felt more pressure to talk about things since they are in the box. I said that it was supposed to make things easier, but I didn’t understand why he didn’t choose something out of the box last week. He didn’t really explain, but I think it was because I had sent him an email and he wanted to continue the conversation. I think that, last week being what it was, I would have been unsatisfied with whatever we had talked about.

So he pulled a slip out of the box. It was “anxiety about jobs.” This was kind of good. Not a difficult topic to talk about and something that has been bothering me lately. This box thing is a good idea. I recommend it.

I told him what was going on with my boss, the college consultant, the one who has seemed frustrated with me lately, but probably because she, herself, has been stressed. We talked about how she and I are somewhat friendly and if I didn’t work for her anymore would we still be friends. And do I need this job? And how I promised her she was my first priority.

J said I need to have strong boundaries, when I took the new job I told her that I could still work for her, but only on Mondays. And I can work for her for as long as she needs me on Mondays, but not other days. In August I actually worked for her for 44 hours total, when in the months from March through July it was 11 to 25 hours per month. So if she thinks I can’t put in extra time due to “my other job” this shows that I can. I told J how she is always talking about “my other job” and he said this is something that I should just overlook, and not get into with her. Because there is no point.

And I should accept the fact that she might eventually decide that she wants someone with more flexibility, despite the fact that I can work the number of hours that she needs. He asked if I thought we would remain friends if I didn’t work for her anymore.

I said I probably wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t pursue the relationship. This led to a discussion of how I am isolating from my friends and I have no friends anymore. This is actually another piece of paper in the box, so maybe we killed two topics today. Or at least maimed.

J asked if my friends were still pursuing me. I said they are. He asked why they might be doing that. I came up with some lame reasons, and he suggested that maybe they like me? I had to admit that maybe they do, I have been friends with some of these people for many, many years. He asked what was holding me back from being with them. I said I was too sensitive right now and they do and say things that hurt me. He asked for examples.

I told him about what happened the other day at the pool, when my friend said I was so confident and could handle criticism easily. I told J that it was obvious that I am not like that, and how could my friend think that about me? How could he NOT know me so well?

I told him that I have known this particular friend for a long time, although we really only got close over the last couple of years, that my husband and I socialize alone and together with him and his wife, that he and I run together, that we have raced together. As a matter of fact we did a race together and it was overwhelming for me because it was crowded and I was holding onto him because I was kind of freaked out about the crowds and the noise and the anxiety about the race. So why does he think I am so confident?

J said that maybe he noticed I was anxious, but I persevered and I ran the race and that made me seem confident.

J then tried to convince me, or show me through examples, that I am confident. He gave my jobs as an example. I immediately said, “Anyone could do my jobs.” He commented on how immediately I dismissed myself. He said, “Sure, a monkey could do what you do.” Probably. He said I put myself into situations which cause anxiety, but I do them anyway. He spent some time on this, but, you know, I am having a hard time remembering. I wonder what that says about me.

One thing he said was that we all have parts. He said that he doesn’t dress like this at home; he doesn’t talk like this at home. We all have parts that are like petals of a flower and sometimes some of the petals are more prominent than others. It doesn’t mean we are fake, just that we show different parts of ourselves at different times.

I do agree with this, but I don’t think that is the gist of the issue for me. Of course we have work personas, home personas, social personas. That is normal. What is the issue for me is either not having anyone in my life to whom I can show all of my parts, my most vulnerable parts, or having those people but not being able to show them my parts, because of my own distrust or fear. That is when I feel a disconnect from people and friends and family.

I asked him if he remembered me telling him about the parrot t and how I told her that I had no self-esteem, and I’m never good enough, etc. And her response was, “When you walked in here my first thought was how put together you are and how confident you seem.” I asked J, “Where did she get that?” And he said, “That is how you are.” I said, “How can anyone think that? What is it about me?” I felt like asking him if it is because I am tall, and maybe tall people seem confident, but it seemed stupid. I still don’t understand how someone could think that about me just by me walking in the room, let alone after knowing me for a few years.

We talked about the writing workshop and he said he thought it is great that I am going to do this. I said it was impulsive, well not really, that I was thinking about it for a long time, but then I just signed up, and that part was impulsive. He said, “You mean, rather than typing in your first name, and then coming back in an hour and typing in your last name….” Yeah, kind of like that. I said that I hadn’t planned on doing the online registration on that day; that I was still kind of thinking about it, but then I just did it. Like pulling off a band-aid.

Then he gave a very bad analogy about someone having cancer for a few years, and then they just die, and it seems sudden, but it’s not really because they had cancer for a few years. I said, “Interesting analogy” and he said, “Yeah, it sounded kind of bad coming out of my mouth” and I said, “So I’m headed towards my death by signing up for this class?” and he said, “That’s not exactly what I meant”.

I told him that I wasn’t sure I could do the class, and he said he thinks I can. I’m leaving open the option of not going. It cost $228 dollars. That’s a motivating factor. But fear is an un-motivating factor.

We also discussed how sensitive I am. Previously J has disagreed with me when I said I was too sensitive. But today he said I need to become less sensitive. That when dealing with my boss I need to have a thicker skin. He said I know logically that she should not have gone to Hawaii during her busiest month, and she is stressed out, and I didn’t do anything wrong or different than what we agreed upon. I need to put the responsibility for anything going wrong on her, and not take this upon myself. I do know that logically, but I still get upset. How does one develop a thick skin, and is it even worth trying to change that about myself? I do want to keep this job. When I was there yesterday I realized how much I enjoy being in that environment, that I like my boss and her new partner, that when things are going well I feel important and useful and we have fun, intelligent conversations. And she pays me very well, which, when I work 44 hours like I did this month, is a good chunk of change.

I told J, “It pays for therapy.” He didn’t have a good response, just kind of caught him off guard.

So in the end, it was a fine session, I felt that I talked a lot, I felt that he felt useful, that this was here and now data which is what he likes to work with, there wasn’t a lot of “feelings” stuff which is uncomfortable for me.

I’m still a little unsure about the part where he tried to convince me I am confident and I have parts like everyone else. But I don’t want to go into self-defense mode immediately. I think this is something I have done too much in therapy, that I think he is minimizing me and not validating me, and instead this time I am going to think about what he said and how it could be positive and enlightening. And if I still have trouble with it we can talk about it more next week.

Aug 30 2010

College Life

We called my daughter Saturday afternoon from the car – speakerphone so we could all talk to her, my husband, my son and me. She didn’t really have much to say. My husband kept pestering her about eating breakfast (she has never eaten breakfast past the age of about 2) and that got a rise out of her and she yelled at him. But otherwise she sounded kind of flat. Everything was “fine” and “good” and we had to ask really specific questions to get any info. It didn’t make me feel good.

But tonight she IM’d me and told me she went to an Equestrian Club meeting. If there is anything that can cheer her up it is horses and riding. She wants to join the Equestrian Club, and I need to send her some supplies like her boots and helmet and chaps and some riding jeans. Oh, and since I’m sending her things can I send oreos and goldfish?

I sent her homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on Saturday and they arrived today! That is fast for 1000 miles. Gotta love the US Postal system.

So I’m going out to the barn on Thursday to get her things and ship them to her. It’s so nice to hear her sounding excited. She said she met other girls on her floor who ride because they had a floor meeting last week, and I guess they talked about things they did at home. Girls who ride horses just seem to have a connection, and it’s something that I was always grateful for, despite the cost. It’s an expensive hobby, but she has made close friends, developed a great sense of responsibility, and is able to relate to people of all ages through her experience with riding.

So in about 10 days she is going to go to the barn near the university and have an evaluation to see what level she is at, and maybe sign up for lessons and a riding team. It’s not a competitive riding team, which her school does have, but I don’t want her doing that, and I guess she knows it. She was never a fan of competitive riding, even though she did do it. She had a lot of anxiety when she showed. But I think riding just for fun will be great for her at school. I’m feeling so relieved.

picasso

And my son starts his classes at the community college tomorrow. Wow, so much growing up going on!

Aug 29 2010

The Writing Workshop

So I did sign up for the writing workshop. According to the website here are the expectations for the student:

• Attend every workshop session you possibly can
• Share your own work
• Comment on and share your ideas about your peers’ work
• Complete instructor prompts or reading assignments
• Complete the workshop response form at the end of the course

If you’ve never been in a writing workshop before, regardless of the skill level you think you have in writing, we strongly encourage you to start with a beginner level workshop. Here you’ll learn more about the environment of the workshop—how to give and receive helpful feedback, how to address problems with the work without criticizing the author, and how to incorporate multiple (and sometimes conflicting) ideas into your revision work.

And here is what I can expect:

• Guidance and encouragement from a published, working author
• Instruction on technical aspects such as structure, diction, and form
• Kind, honest, and constructive feedback directed at the work but never critical of the author
• Peer readers/editors who act as ‘spotters’ for sections of your writing that need attention and who become your community of working colleagues, even after your workshop is completed
• Tips on how to keep writing and integrate this “habit of being” into your life
• Tactics for getting published when ready

I signed up for this one:

Life Stories and Legacy Writing

The goal in this workshop is to capture your legacy in short personal writing (especially stories) for those who will survive you. Knowing that you are writing not for publication but to set the record straight (in your own mind, if nothing else) may liberate you, allowing you to frankly explore your life choices and experiences, achievements and mistakes, beliefs and convictions.

All Levels

I don’t know, it sounds scary. But I’ll give it a try, what is the worst that can happen, right? Has anyone ever taken a writing workshop? How did it go?

Aug 28 2010

Wee, Wee, Wee

It was a beautiful day today and I went to the pool. A friend of mine showed up and we were chatting. He is a year or two older than me and we talk a lot about our mid-life issues. He and his wife are “couple” friends with my husband and me. We have known each other since our daughters were in kindergarten, 12 years ago, and have been friends for a few years. His daughter, who is his second child and last child, also just went away to school.

He was telling me about a class he is taking, and I told him I was thinking about taking a course at a writer’s center nearby. It is a well-regarded center with excellent teachers. I told him my main concern was that I would have to share my writing. His response?

“Harriet, I’ve known you for a while and I think I know you pretty well. You are a confident person, and know yourself very well. When someone criticizes anything you write – if you think it is constructive you will accept it, and if you think it is bullshit you’ll write it off. You wouldn’t let criticism bother you!”

Wow. That is so untrue. He thinks I am confident, that I can handle criticism, that I am capable of sharing my writing with a roomful of strangers. This is the persona I appear to be. Remember when I went to see parrot t and I told her that I hate myself, I have terrible self-esteem, I think I am a bad person? And she said, “You give off the aura of being very well put together, very sure of yourself.”

I guess I developed this skill to an art form. That even a friend doesn’t know the true me. And I’m not blaming him! (Well, he is a man. I wonder what his wife would think.) I definitely do this. But I am not the person that other people think I am!

It’s that wall around me I guess. Just this morning I thought of what to say to J in my session next Tuesday. That last week’s session didn’t go well because I built an EXTRA, heavy-duty, impenetrable wall around my regular, garden variety wall. So that I can protect myself from the big bad wolf. Because we all know the third pig survived and went wee wee wee, all the way home.

Aug 26 2010

I Got Canceled

I was supposed to have my CT scan tomorrow to be sure I am not dying of a defective aorta or a pulmonary embolism. I just got a call from the radiology office and my insurance has not approved it, and although the office has been calling my doctor, no one from my doctor’s office has gotten back to them. So they had to cancel my scan.

Maybe I’ll die. Then my family can sue the insurance company and the doctor and they’ll be rich.

Aug 26 2010

Had to Cancel

I had scheduled my endoscopy for Monday afternoon. But they say I can’t drive myself home because of the anesthesia. I was planning on taking a cab, but I read the instructions for the procedure and they won’t let me take a cab home unless I have another person with me. So I canceled the appointment. Sucks when you can’t ask for help, doesn’t it?

Aug 26 2010

Dreaming

I had two dreams about therapy last night. I know I’ve been obsessing about it since Tuesday, even in my sleep apparently.

In the first dream I was looking through the door of t’s office, except it wasn’t the regular office I see him in. All I could see was the tip of his shoe, which is how I knew he was in there. (Like these cartoons.) His client was a little girl, she had curly red hair in pigtails, and freckles, and had one bare foot and one foot with a sock, and she had a little dog. I’m wondering if this has anything to do with my boss and giving him J’s info when he asked for a referral for his son. My boss has curly red hair, two dogs, and yesterday when we were meeting in the afternoon he had his socked foot up on the table. He doesn’t have freckles though.

Then I got up to pee, and when I went back to sleep I had another dream about t. In this one I went into his office, which was also not the regular office we meet in but also not the office from the previous dream, and he had on one regular shoe and one ratty old sneaker, like the old fashioned kind from the 40′s, not an athletic shoe. He sat in a different chair than his usual one (somehow I knew which one was his usual one even though the office was a different one in the dream, with different chairs) and said he hurt his foot. I asked if he was feeling pain and if he would like me to leave so he could rest, and he said yes, he would like me to leave. So I did.

I have no idea what this dream means. But I don’t like dreaming about t.

Want to hear something strange that I forgot to write about the other day? Remember after t on Tuesday I went to a restaurant and had two margaritas and a salad, and then I went to the GI doctor. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was 90/55. Now a few years ago when I was fat from taking lexapro I had high blood pressure. The nurse said it was normal and I must be very relaxed! (Two margaritas will do that to you I guess. I’m usually not relaxed in doctors’ offices.) She left, but came back about 5 minutes later and said she wanted to take the blood pressure again because she looked in my chart and it’s never been that low. So she did it again and it was 100/55. Can drinking lower blood pressure? If so, that would be a great cure for high blood pressure. I had no idea.

Aug 25 2010

Random Thoughts

I went to work today. I was very busy at work today, which was good. This morning my boss, R, sent me an email asking if I had a recommendation for a psychologist for his son. Guess whose name I gave him? Yep, J. I think J will be perfect for his son, since he works with many adolescent boys. R’s son doesn’t have any drinking or drug problems, but he wants someone to talk to. His parents had a messy divorce, and since J does a lot of couples therapy I think he will be good for R’s son. And his second office is very close to R’s house. I think J will be better for R’s son than he is for me actually.

I’m wondering – those of you with t’s. Do your t’s ever ask you:

How much you are drinking
Whether you are abusing or using too many prescription or illegal drugs
Whether you are self injuring
Whether you are having suicidal ideation
If you are socializing
How much time you spend in bed
If you are taking care of your personal hygiene
How much time you spend crying

My pdoc asks me these questions, but just so he can gather information to convince me to take anti-depressants. J never asks me these things. How does he know how I am doing? I certainly don’t volunteer this information, although one of the little slips of paper in my box in his office is about how I am isolating myself. We haven’t pulled that one out of the box yet.

I’m still confused about why we didn’t pull any slip of paper out of the box yesterday. I thought that was what the box was for. I’m still obsessing about my session yesterday. I think this may continue all week, and then it will get out of my system and when I go in next week I won’t have anything to say.

So I don’t want to write every day about what I am missing about my daughter, but tonight when I left work I texted my son to see what he wanted me to pick up for dinner. Usually I have to go to two or three places to get food for my family on the nights I don’t cook, but tonight my husband and son got food from the same place. So I only had to get food for them, and not my daughter. Little things like that, and coming home and the house not being messy, those are the things I’m noticing.

I’ve gone in her room a couple of times, and it really needs to be cleaned. But right now I’m only doing two things. Working and being in bed. That’s all. Oh, and I’m im-ing with her. She doesn’t have much to say so far. And I don’t want to push.

Aug 24 2010

Therapy Update 8/24/10 and More

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Here’s an update:

August 18: stayed up until 1am finishing project for boss.

August 19: dropped off project at 8am. Went to work for R, the other boss, and stayed all day making travel arrangements for his son who decided at the last minute to go to Rwanda.

My daughter, M, asked me to go out to the barn where she keeps her horse on Thursday night to take pictures. It would be the last time she would be spending time with her horse, the last time she might ever see him, because we are trying to sell him.

August 20: Leave at 5:30am to fly to New Orleans. Spend the day walking around the city, shopping in the suburbs, and going out to dinner. Hus goes next door to the casino. Couldn’t sleep – people across the hall having a party, and I have chest pains.

August 21: Leave bright and early to pack the car and drive to the dorm. Get M all moved into her room. Another trip to the suburbs with her roommate and family to buy/exchange items for the room. Her roommate’s hometown is 350 miles away, and her family offered to have M travel there in case of a hurricane. That was nice – since we live 1000 miles away.

M was cranky at dinner, arguing with my husband about where to eat. But we ended up going where she wanted to go and I am happy about that. She wanted to go to PF Chang’s. Usually not one’s first choice when in New Orleans, but she is not a fan of Cajun food. Drop her off at dorm.

Hus and I go back to hotel. He goes next door to the casino. I really want a drink, but the little bottle of red wine in the minibar costs $28 and I couldn’t bring myself to spend that much. That proves I’m not an alcoholic, right? But my husband could be a compulsive gambler.

August 22: The husband and I go out for beignets in the morning, then drive to campus for meetings, orientations, and more shopping. Now we buy the textbooks and computer software. M insisted on buying a Mac despite the fact that the business school requires windows. So we bought and installed windows parallel, windows for mac, and Microsoft office, and I installed and set up all of those on her computer. M was very cranky, she hadn’t eaten, and with the heat index the temperature was 110 degrees (I believe that is 43 degrees Celsius, which sounds a lot cooler). My husband asked me what was going on with her, and I said, “She is stressed.” He replied, “What does she have to be stressed about?”

For some reason this was like a revelation to me. How could he be so clueless? I said, “Hello….she is starting college tomorrow????” He just has no idea.

Finally we got her room and her computer set up, and she looked like she really needed to be alone, so we did the hugs and kisses and I love you’s and goodbyes. Then drove off.

Got home at 1am and collapsed. Oh, and our plane had direct tv and I watched “Sex and the City Part II” and had a margarita. Mindless movies and margaritas really help with fear of flying.

August 23: I have to go to work for S. I didn’t really want to see her or talk to her or work or take a shower or leave the house. So I putter around for a while, then go over there at noon. I stayed for about 5 hours and it wasn’t bad. There was a little chill in the air at first, but things warmed up. Maybe the worst is over. Then drove my son, A, over to the community college to meet with an advisor. She gave him the info he needs to sign up for classes.

Yesterday was the day, 5 years ago, that Hurricane Katrina formed in the Atlantic Ocean. This week there are many documentaries on tv, some repeated from 5 years ago, some new ones showing the changes that have happened since that time. I was pretty attached to the news coverage of Katrina five years ago, and it was re-ignited when I went to Mississippi in April. So last night I started watching some of these documentaries.

August 24: Wake up. Can’t get out of bed. Feeling very bad. Want to stay in bed all day. Need to make my 8am call to my boss, but can’t do it. Finally get up because I have to pee. Make coffee. Sit at computer all morning. Don’t want to shower. Finally do. Have to go to therapy. Put on some crappy clothes, throw on some makeup, kind of comb my hair.

Therapy = not so good. I told J I wasn’t feeling well. He said, “Are you coming down with something?” That isn’t what I meant. He gave me my box so I could see what it is in it. I read all the slips of paper and gave it back. He asked when my daughter is going to college and I said she left. He asked how that went and I said fine. I put a wall up. He tried to get past it, but it was impenetrable. He spent the session talking about the dentist story that I told him last week. I got annoyed after about 30 minutes of this and asked, or perhaps raised my voice and yelled, why are we talking about this. He said it is important and it is plaguing me. I got more annoyed and raised my voice more and said it has not been plaguing me, I haven’t even thought about it since January until it came up again last week. He said it is representative of how I take what other people say and that is how I think of myself, instead of coming up with my own perceptions of myself.

He asked again if we could talk about my daughter. I really wanted to talk about it, but I can’t. I did get teary eyed, but didn’t cry. I swear I’ll never cry in therapy. He asked if she were to write about her experience with me taking her to college what she would write. I told him I thought it would be positive.

But I felt terrible when I left. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drove around for a while, then went to a restaurant and had 2 margaritas and a salad. And some bread to soak up the liquor.

Then I went to the GI doctor because of the chest pains, and he told me I need a CT scan of my heart and lungs to rule out problems with my aorta and a pulmonary embolism. And I need an endoscopy. Came home, made the appointments, and spend the rest of the day drinking.

And crying. I don’t feel well. Things aren’t good. People are calling me and texting me, and I’m not taking their calls, not answering their texts. A couple people emailed and facebooked, and I managed to write back a few words.

I sent J an email apologizing for yelling at him and he said not to worry about it.

I have so much to say, but I can’t say it. I wish he had used the box today, but he didn’t even suggest it. He just wanted to talk about the dentist story. I don’t understand. I don’t know anything. I’m going to watch more documentaries about Katrina.

Aug 18 2010

Should I Quit

I’ve written about the problems I am having with my boss, S, for whom I work about 5 hours a week. I did the big project for her, it was wrong because she gave me wrong instruction, I didn’t have time to redo it and she was upset because she had to do it herself. Now I am doing another big project for her. I started it Saturday and worked all weekend on it. But I needed her input in order to do it properly, so we sat down together Monday and I got all of the information. I had asked her last week when this project needed to be completed and she said August 20.

On Monday I told her I would have it done by the 20th. She said, “Aren’t you leaving on the 20th?” I said yes I was, but I would drop it off before I leave. This project involves making two folders for each client, and inside they have a personalized chart, a letter and between 6 and 10 addressed envelopes, each envelope addressed to a different college. Each envelope also has a return address label for the high school that the student attends. So each student’s folders are highly individualized. I have been working on them all week, since I got the information from her on Monday.

This morning she called me and wanted to know if I had any of the students’ folders complete. I told her that I did have some of them done. She said she is meeting with 6 students today and 10 tomorrow and she wishes she could have the folders to give to them because if she doesn’t give them the folders this week they will have to come back. She said, “Are they at your house?” I said, “Actually they are in my car.” She said, “Well I have James Doe here right now and I wish I could give him his folders.” I said, “I can’t come over there right now.” She said, “Well when can you get them here?” I said “I was planning on dropping them off tomorrow.” She said, “When tomorrow?” Well, I was planning on dropping them off late at night because I really need more time to finish them, but it was obvious she wanted them NOW, so I said, “I’ll drop them off in the morning.”

She said, “Well, I guess that’s the best we can do. But I am seeing a lot of students today and tomorrow and I wish I could give them their folders.” I said, “I’ll drop them off in the morning.”

Sigh. She had told me she needed them by the 20th. That is Friday. Now she is upset that she doesn’t have them now. I am still not done with them.

I am so stressed out by this. I really think she is not happy with the fact that I can’t commit every minute of my life to her right now, and I’m thinking she would be happier if she had someone else working for her. I wonder if she can find someone to work 5 hours a week at her beck and call.

Is this really worth it? Will this blow over? I feel she is so frustrated and annoyed at me and I don’t like that feeling.

I was planning on doing a lot of the work at the hospital this morning – my son was going in for his barium xray and they said it would take 3 hours. We got him all settled in and I went to the waiting room and started to work – I had brought 4 bags of work materials into the hospital in the pouring rain! After about 1/2 an hour I got called into the xray room and it turns out when they gave him the fizzy stuff to swallow he threw up and they said they couldn’t do the test. He didn’t even get to the barium part.

Oh, and the radiologist said to me, “Maybe you can make him swallow it.” Huh? How would I do that?

So we both left feeling like failures, my son for throwing up the fizzy stuff, and me for not being able to make him swallow it.

And I barely got any of the work done for S, and now she is annoyed, even though she told me the project was due on the 20th.

Should I quit? Oh, she pays me $30 an hour. She is very generous.