Monthly Archives: March 2011

Mar 30 2011

Update

My cousin was discharged today. She is all better and she went home. She still has a few ect treatments left, but she is going to do those as an outpatient. When I saw her last night she was like a different person, like the person she used to be before this depression sucked her in.

She didn’t tell me that she was leaving. Her friend called me this morning to tell me not to order her birthday cake because she was going home.

I had texted her a few minutes before he called, to wish her a happy birthday and to tell her that I would see her later. Then she responded to my text by saying she was being discharged.

So that is that. It is all over.

Mar 29 2011

Therapy Recap 3/29/11

J and I talked more about my cousin today. He asked how she is doing, and I told him that yesterday was her fourth ect treatment and she had some short term memory loss, which was scary. She couldn’t remember her address or what her house looks like. We talked about ect and its pros and cons for awhile.

Then I brought up the same thing I talked about last week, the thing that has been bothering me. What it is is this. My cousin called me that Saturday at 3:30PM. She told me about the overdose and I said I’d be right over. It takes at least 35 to 40 minutes to get there. I asked her if there is anything she needed, and she said she needed some food. She said she thought she had some Chipotle in the refrigerator (I know Chipotle restaurants are in limited areas so some of you might not know what a Chipotle is, but they are abundant here.) I said maybe she would like Chipotle food that hasn’t been sitting in the refrigerator, and she said she would like me to stop at Chipotle and she told me what she wanted.

So I drove to her city, and then plugged Chipotle into my navigation system and saw there was one 1 mile from her house. I went there, and it was in a huge shopping center, bigger than any that we have in this area. And now it was 4:30 on a Saturday, and this shopping center also had a movie theater with 10 theaters, and it was packed with cars and they were all inching along. I couldn’t even find the Chipotle in there. I saw Panera, Noodles and Co., and every other chain restaurant. Finally I rolled down the window and asked someone where the Chipotle was. I was feeling extremely anxious at this point.

I drove over there (it was in a separate building from the main center) and luckily someone was pulling out of a spot right in front, so I pulled in. I walked into the Chipotle, and there was a huge line, as there ALWAYS is in every Chipotle. At that point I called my cousin and said there was too long a wait, and she said she didn’t want any food anyway. So then I drove to her house.

So that is the true story. My cousin took an overdose, I didn’t call 911, and I stopped at Chipotle to get her food. I talked about it with J last week, and he told me that I made good decisions, I got her help, and she didn’t die. I talked about it again this week, how it makes me question my judgment and my intelligence. I said that maybe I was afraid of what I would find at her house, so I delayed it by making a stop, which is so selfish of me. I think that if everyone who is praising me knows I did this stupid thing, they wouldn’t think so highly of me.

J again tried to reassure me that I did what I thought was best at the time. I did not know what the lethal dose of acetaminophen was, I did not know that one must get treatment within 8 hours, and I did not know she was very sick. He said that she was not slurring her words or acting sick in any way so how could I know the seriousness of this. And he said I changed my course of action when I got to the Chipotle and saw the long line. He said I did nothing that I should be regretting.

I asked J if I did do something stupid or bad, would he even tell me? He asked what would be stupid or bad? I said, what if I stopped at Chipotle on my way to my cousin’s because I was hungry. Would he say “You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others, like on an airplane when the oxygen masks come down you have to put on yours before you take care of your child?” I told him about my cousin’s mother, who has been in therapy for 10 years and has the same issues, it seems her therapist just reinforces whatever she tells her.

J said that he would not make a judgment about this type of behavior, but he would ask me about it. If I decided to stop for food before going to my overdosing cousin’s house, he would ask me to explore why I did this.

He told me that I now need to go to Chipotle, to desensitize myself, because I said that I am purposely avoiding driving certain ways because there would be a Chipotle there. I said that I think I would throw up if I went into one. He told me to park in the parking lot and stay there five minutes. Then go in and use the restroom.

He said that he has never eaten at Chipotle (what? How can this be?) and he saw one the other day and was thinking of trying it, but then he remembered how I said there is always a long line, so he didn’t. I wonder if he will think of me every time he sees a Chipotle, which around here would be pretty often. I said, “I guess I should be glad that my cousin didn’t ask me to stop at Starbucks.” (They are on every corner.)

Later in the session, when he was reassuring me for the 100th time, he said he was not just blowing smoke or telling me what I want to hear. He said that he also did not know many of the things I learned from this experience, in regards to the treatment for this type of overdose. He told me that last week one of his other clients took five Lexapro. In the past he would not have been worried about whether the person would die, but since hearing my cousin’s experience, he called the prescribing psychiatrist and tried to really find out if five Lexapro would be life threatening.

He said that he doesn’t know what my aunt’s therapist or therapy is like, but perhaps her therapist realizes that my aunt is not a strong person, is easily overwhelmed, and to protect her she has advised my aunt that she can’t be so involved in my cousin’s life.

Then I told J that my good aunt, the one I have a relationship with (who J calls “the good aunt of the east”, to differentiate her from “the wicked aunt of the west” – which cracked me up, and is all due to the fact that I never give him anyone’s names, he even said today “I don’t know their names”) told me a few days before my cousin’s overdose that she felt there was some manipulation going on. And yesterday when my cousin wasn’t feeling well after her ect treatment I told her that I would call the nurse’s station, and my aunt again said that I am being manipulated, that my cousin should learn to ask for things herself. J told me that from what I am telling him he doesn’t see manipulation, and he explained what manipulation would look like to him.

J then told me that this experience is a microcosm of how I live my life. That I did so much for my cousin, I might have saved her life, but I am focusing on a 20 minute period when I think I did something wrong. And he doesn’t even think I did anything wrong, I did what I thought was best given my knowledge of the situation. I am always too hard on myself, set too high expectations for myself, and never live up to them. He told me again, for the 200th time, that I did well in this situation, that I should regret nothing.

He asked me if I would do the same thing again. I told him that I would not stop at Chipotle, as for the rest I don’t know. Then I said that if I did know what I know now, I would have called 911 as opposed to taking her to the hospital, because when it actually happened I did not know about the 8 hour time frame for starting treatment. But if I again had not known this, I would probably do the same thing again, without the Chipotle.

I have to lot to think about in regards to the Chipotle. In addition to reminding me that I might have made a poor choice that day, Chipotle also brings up fearful feelings in me, like I am remembering the experience at my cousin’s house and in the ER and ICU. How could I get scared by a Chipotle? It’s just a restaurant.

Mar 22 2011

Therapy Recap 3/22/11

I was a bit apprehensive about t today, as I haven’t been there for 2 weeks, and it’s been quite a busy and emotionally draining 2 weeks for me. I felt myself closing up emotionally this morning, which I did not want to do. Every time I talk to someone about my cousin or what is going on, I get teary, if not outright crying. But this morning I felt nothing.

It was a good session though. J asked how I was doing, and how my cousin is, and what is going on with her (btw, she did recover medically from the overdose, and voluntarily checked herself into the psychiatric unit, and she started ECT yesterday).

I told him about how it all occurred on that Saturday when she called me saying she took 30 extra strength acetaminophen tablets. I told him something that has been bothering me all this time about my actions that day, and he reassured me that I did a good job taking care of her. There is that one thing I did that is haunting me, and even though I finally told someone about it, it still bothers me. But J says it’s ok. I might have to talk to him about it some more.

I spent a lot of time talking about my aunts. My cousin’s mother has been her usual selfish, obnoxious self and I am about going crazy from her. I reached my tolerance level last night and yelled at her. I told J about that. I talked about how she didn’t speak to me for almost 10 years because she had a fight with my mother, but now she says she loves me and I’m an angel and “what we do without Harriet?” She wasn’t even there for my cousin’s first ECT treatment. I was there.

I told J about how it is a pleasure and an honor for me to take care of my cousin. She is the kindest, smartest, most loving person, and it kills me that she has been suffering for over 20 years. Her mother is going home Sunday, and things will become much less stressful for me when she leaves.

My other aunt, the one that I have a relationship with, came down for the weekend, and both aunts spent the time bitching about each other to me. There is so much going on that isn’t about my cousin, but all about them. It’s sickening.

I told J that I hate my cousin’s mother. And I feel terrible about hating someone. We talked about hatred, and I said I don’t really hate her, but I resent her. J told me that I have every right to be frustrated and angry with her. He wants me to try to let the anger roll off of me, and I told him that my tongue hurt from biting it all week. I just got so angry last night, and yelled at her. She said I was absolutely right and she is sorry.

I talked about how supportive my bosses have been, and how one of them came to the hospital for “emotional support” as he called it. And he wrote me a wonderful email which I showed J.

As for the emotion, I cried a bit in therapy today. I actually needed a tissue. I asked J if I could use a tissue and he said that is why they are there, and I can have as many as I need, I can take some with me, I could have the whole box. I told him I didn’t want to take advantage. He said they are free. That there are 20 boxes in the other room, because in this line of work tissues are a necessity. I didn’t have the messy crying that makes you not be able to speak, so we did continue talking through the crying. At one point he mentioned my crying though. That was nice for some reason.

And at the end of the session he made me laugh, so that was good too. So I guess it was nice having someone to talk too. He is very supportive. I wonder if I really do something stupid if he would even tell me that it was stupid, or if he would say I was great no matter what I do.

My cousin’s mother has been in therapy for 10 years with the same therapist. She talks about her all the time. She actually had to leave my cousin’s intake interview in the psychiatric unit because she had a phone session scheduled with her therapist. My point being, despite the 10 years of therapy, my aunt is still the same self-centered, narcissistic, two faced person she has always been. I guess her therapist validates whatever she says. I don’t want that. I want to know if I am wrong, or not understanding someone, or doing something mean or stupid. I hope J would tell me.

Mar 17 2011

Called Pdoc

Last night I called pdoc and left her a message saying if she had any cancellations in the next two days could I come see her? I explained what has been going on and that I missed my t appointment.

She called me back this morning and said she doesn’t normally work on Fridays, but she would come in and meet me at 10am. I told her no, that was ok, I didn’t want her to come in on her day off and I would feel too guilty. She told me not to feel guilty, but I said it was fine, I could wait until Tuesday to see my t.

Mar 16 2011

This Sucks

I have been emailing my therapist, J, over the last couple of days about what is going on with my cousin. Originally he said of course I could reschedule and he would check his availability for later in the week, since I couldn’t see him at my regular time on Tuesday. But then I told him that I can’t reschedule at this point, because I didn’t know what was going on with my cousin, so he said to get back to him whenever I am ready. Then I emailed him another update on Tuesday and he replied that I should let him know if there is anything he can do for me.

This morning I emailed him that I think I need someone to talk to, and I have never actually said that before in my lifetime, but we are still in a holding pattern waiting for a room to open up in the mental health unit. He then said that he is busy, but he can talk on the phone and gave me two times that he would be available to talk on the phone.

I can’t talk on the phone. So I told him I can’t do that, and thank you, but I would see him on Tuesday.

I finally got up the nerve to ask him if I could see him, and his schedule is full. I am not angry, don’t think that, I know he has a busy practice. But for the first time in my life I admit I need someone to talk to, and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

Mar 15 2011

No T Today – 3/15/11

Remember I missed T last week because my mother was having surgery and I was with her in the hospital? I am unexpectedly not having t today either, because on Saturday my cousin attempted suicide, luckily called me, and I have been in the hospital with her since then. I did email J to fill him in, and ask him some questions about her overdose, and I bravely asked if I could reschedule for some other time during the week. He gave me helpful information, and said of course I could reschedule.

Unfortunately, we are taking everything on a day to day basis, so I don’t even know when I would be able to go see him.

My cousin had a rough couple of days, I really thought she might die, but she is getting better. Now she is waiting for a bed on the mental health unit floor, hopefully that will be available later this afternoon.

That is why I have no T recap today.

Mar 10 2011

My Mother And Her Good Heart

While I was waiting in the hospital for my mother’s surgery to be over, her friend came and waited with me. My mother moved from my home state to my current state about five years ago. She has since made a boatload of new friends, but continues her relationships with her old friends. She has more friends than I have paperclips. And I have a lot of paperclips.

So her friend and I talked while we waited. She asked me if I knew how she and my mom became friends, and I had not heard the story, so she told me.

My mother was at a function given by a social organization in her city. She had just joined and didn’t know many people yet. One of her new friends pointed out another woman at a different table and said “That is Alice. You and she have something in common, Alice is on dialysis.” My mother was not on dialysis, but she spent years taking my father to and from dialysis, and her second husband was currently on dialysis.

So my mother went over and sat next to Alice and introduced herself. They had lunch and dessert and during dessert Alice helped herself to a piece of chocolate cake. She picked it up and my mother slapped her hand and said, “You can’t eat that!” (Dialysis patients aren’t supposed to eat chocolate.) I said, “And you wanted this woman to be your friend?” She replied, “Wait, there’s more.”

At the end of the luncheon Alice saw my mother at the far side of the room, with her coat on, saying her goodbyes. Alice asked a passing waitress for a box, which she got, and she took a piece of chocolate cake and put it in the box to take home. Before she knew what was going on, my mother was beside her, grabbing the box out of Alice’s hands, and pitching it into the trash can. She said, “You can’t eat that!”

They have been close friends ever since.

One thing that always annoyed me about my mother was her control over what my father and her second husband could and couldn’t eat. When they would come over for dinner I would say, “I think I’ll make macaroni and cheese as a side dish” and she would say, “Your father can’t eat that!” But not in a nice way. It’s so hard to describe the tone of her voice in writing. She would say it as though I am an idiot and I should know the whole kidney diet. She wouldn’t say something like, “I would prefer if you wouldn’t make that, dear, because your dad shouldn’t eat cheese on his kidney diet.” No, she would bark at me, “He can’t eat that!!”

She did the same with her second husband.

While I was sitting with Alice she told me how much she loved my mother. What a good heart my mother has. One of their friends in their large social circle had surgery and my mother called everyone and assigned them a night and a meal, so that when their friend came home from the hospital she wouldn’t have to cook for two weeks. I told Alice that is what my mother excels at – organizing people and arranging things. It is her forte. I’ve never really considered this trait a sign of a good heart, it is a sign of a person who likes to be in control, who likes to arrange things, who likes to feel important and who likes people to think she has a good heart. But maybe I am wrong.

She has so many friends. Many, many more friends than I have, but I am an introvert and I don’t need a large group of friends. I have a small group of good friends, but unfortunately I have been isolating myself for the past couple of years and they are either wondering why I don’t like them anymore, or if I have disappeared off the face of the earth. Some of my friends I have known for over 25 years.

Some of my mother’s friends she has known for over 50 years. They seem to love her.

Mar 9 2011

Finding Something Else To Do

So my mother, who I have been with for the past three days, is very judgmental, critical and opinionated. She is pleasant, but doesn’t have a problem speaking her mind at every opportunity.

There have been quite a few things she has said over the past two days that are just…I don’t even know how to describe these things. Judgmental, critical and opinionated. Not about me, of course, but I take them personally.

The one that is particularly hurtful to me is when I was telling her about my boss. He went to Florida last week with his mom. His son graduated high school and went abroad a couple of weeks ago, and now my boss is alone. No kids, and he isn’t married and isn’t involved with anyone.

So I told my mother that he is depressed and his mother and sister were spending time with him so he wouldn’t be alone. And she said, “Aw, poor guy”, but in a sarcastic way, I guess because he is wealthy and therefore can’t have any problems. So I tried to explain that he is alone, his kids left, he doesn’t have a partner, and he is sad. And she said, “Well, he just has to find something to do with his life now.” Really? Is that all? Your kids grow up and leave and you just find something else to do with your life.

I don’t know why this is bothering me. No, I guess I do. Because I’m miserable since my daughter left home, and I can’t just “find something else to do with my life.” Because the best part of my life is over and I don’t see any future, and she thinks people should just “find something else to do with their lives.” She did it, and why can’t everyone else?

And I’m sure J, my t, feels the same way. I remember when I first started seeing him he told me about his daughter and how sad she was on the last day of kindergarten. She loved her teacher and she wasn’t going to be her teacher anymore. So his daughter put together a little dance routine to the song “Bad Day” and performed it for her teacher. But J’s wife told her “You can only be sad for one day.” Yep, that was limit! I wonder if they set an alarm for her. “Time’s up! No more sad!” “Find something else to do with your life!” “Yes, you are only six, but you better stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

I felt so badly for that little girl when J told me what his wife said. I brought it up again once, when I was feeling sad about my dad dying, and I said, “I know it’s silly, he died 12 years ago, and you told your daughter she could only be sad for one day when she finished kindergarten.” He tried to get out of it by saying “My wife said that” and “A parent dying is different than the last day of kindergarten.”

But I can’t past the thought that he feels the same way as my mother – just find something else to do with my life.

Mar 7 2011

Everyone Around Me Is Falling Apart

Friday I got to work and my boss’s housekeeper, Betsy, was there as usual (she comes Monday, Wednesday and Friday). I like it when she is there, even if we are in separate parts of the house, I like knowing she is around. We also really like each other, and we laugh and joke. But she has a really hard life, she came here 25 years ago from Africa and has worked as a nanny and housekeeper since then. She basically supports herself and her daughter, although her husband pays half the mortgage, when he has the money. She currently wants to get divorced from her husband. She has an 11 year old daughter, but the husband is not the father of her daughter. She and her husband own a house, but they can’t sell it because the market value is below what they owe on the mortgage.

Apparently her church has relationship mediators, but they seem wacky. Betsy and her husband went to see them Thursday night and it was very upsetting to her. They just want her and husband to make up and forgive everything and stay married. She said that she thinks he might be sleeping around, and they told her the devil got in her head. Yeah, not too helpful.

So Friday morning she was so upset. She was telling me the whole story, and crying and crying. She said all she wants is a safe place to live with her daughter. Her daughter is very intelligent and goes to a magnet school. Betsy doesn’t drive, so with buses and subways it is a 2 hour trip each way to school. Everything takes longer when you don’t drive and you live in suburbia. I didn’t know what to do to help, so I gave her the information for Legal Aid, hoping they could advise her on the legalities of foreclosure and if it will impact her credit, and also divorce laws in our state. I feel so badly for her. I called her later in the day to see how she was doing, but got her voice mail.

I texted my cousin (depressed, suicidal) Friday (she responds much quicker to texts than calls, I guess because she is at work all day), and she said she was doing ok. We texted again on Saturday and she called me yesterday. She said she feels a little better, either the new medication is kicking in, or daylight hours are getting longer, or she is optimistic about two job interviews she has this week, or she just wants me to stop texting and calling her. But I don’t plan to do that.

Then yesterday I called a good friend and her husband answered the phone. I asked how he was doing and he said, “Not too good.” He told me that he needs open heart surgery and it is being done on Wednesday. It was really sudden, he had a few little symptoms, had a heart catheterization on Friday, and is scheduled for surgery this week. My friend got on the phone – she is pretty freaked out. And the kids are really worried. She is also concerned that her husband will be home for 6 to 8 weeks, and he is the type of man who can’t even handle having a cold.

This is really scary for me. My friend is obese, and she smokes. She is 59 years old, and I just have a feeling that one day I will get a call saying she just died. Being an obese smoker shortens one’s life considerably. But now with her husband having this heart problem, I’m doubly worried. His father died of a heart attack at 44, and he is now 65, but healthy, thin, normal cholesterol, non-smoker. It’s just that he needs a quadruple bypass, that’s all.

My mom had her surgery this morning and everything went well. We’re in the hospital now. She is going to be discharged tomorrow morning, and then she’ll be at my house for the week. She got moved to this private room an hour ago, and I’ve been here with her since then. But not one nurse or doctor has come by to check on her. I would think they would want to see how she is doing two hours post-op. She is hooked up to a bunch of monitors, so a human doesn’t have to ever come in! Kind of an impersonal medical system.

Mar 1 2011

Therapy Recap 3/1/11

When I got to t today I told J that I wouldn’t be there next week because my mother is having surgery. I am spending the night at her house on Sunday night, taking her to the hospital Monday morning, spending the night with her in the hospital Monday night (she asked me to, but said we could play that by ear) and then taking her back to my house on Tuesday where she will spend the week.

He asked me how that would go, and I told him that it probably wouldn’t go too well, but she is my mother, so what can I do. The worst part is that she and my husband don’t like each other at all. I gave J some examples of the things my mother says so he could get an idea of what she is like. He told me I should tell my husband how much I appreciate him tolerating her, but I said he doesn’t really tolerate her, he is rude to her.

Part of my mother’s surgery is having her bladder fixed. She told me that it is my fault that she is having this surgery because it happened when she was giving birth to me. When I went with her to the doctor, she also told the doctor that it is my fault. This is what I have to deal with!

I told J that I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about my mother. He asked me if I had an agenda and I told him what is going on with my cousin. I wrote most of the story in my last post, but on Sunday I did go over to see her. One thing we decided to do was that I called her mother, my Aunt M, to try to get her to understand what is going on, and to tell her that we needed to all be a team to support my cousin. Aunt M is very self-centered, and spent most of the time talking about how horrible her ex-husband was to the kids, and talking about her own therapy.

My cousin was feeling very bad on Sunday. It was so hard to see her that way. I stayed for about four hours or so, not doing much, just talking, just listening. I hate for her to be alone.

Then later in the evening I talked to Aunt H (the one I like, who is the sister of my cousin’s mother). Somehow she started delving into the past also, talking about something my mother and Aunt M did twelve years ago, blah blah blah. I told J that I just want to help my cousin, I don’t want to have to deal with all of this crap from the past. It is not the time right now….but they all seem to want to unload on me.

I was telling J about how I was researching inpatient programs, and I was emailing with my two aunts. I got in touch with my old crisis hotline supervisor and she gave me some leads, and I found out a program in a hospital near me. So I gave my aunts the information and I said, “Here are the names of a few places. Do you want to split up the list and we can each try to find out something?” Do you think they offered to do that? No. Neither of them offered to make one call. Aunt H even found a phone number for NIH and when she emailed it to me she said, “I know this phone number works because I tried it and got a bunch of prompts, one of which is to talk to a real person.” Well, if she got that far to reach the prompts, why didn’t she stay on the line and actually talk to the real person? I asked J if that was too much to expect, he didn’t think so.

So J and I talked about this whole situation, how to deal with my aunts, and my cousin, and my conflicting feelings about the whole thing. When I was going over to my cousin’s house on Sunday I was thinking “I don’t really want to go.” And I felt so bad for not wanting to go to her. I told him that I also feel selfish, because I like to be needed, and she needs me right now, and this shouldn’t be about me. And I also feel somewhat resentful that my aunts, one of whom is her mother, aren’t stepping up to the plate. As a matter of fact Aunt M stopped talking to my parents and me when I was a child, so we really don’t have much of a relationship. But when I talked to her last night she was crying and thanking me, and then she said, “I love you, I love you.” I told J she doesn’t love me, she just loves that I am taking control of the situation and doing something for her daughter because she can’t or won’t.

I thought J and I had a good conversation, with me expressing my fears about this whole situation, particularly that her depression would “rub off” on me (I know that sounds ridiculous.) But I don’t want to be taken advantage of by my aunts, and I let people do that, and since I am not in such a great place mentally I don’t know what affect this will all have on me. But that is beside the point, because I know I need to do whatever I can for her. And J gave me the name of hospital that he has had good experiences with.

J told me that he thinks I am having good insights about all of this, and I am aware of the emotional pitfalls and my typical behaviors that cause me trouble. He said this could be therapeutic for me, because there are many parallels between my cousin’s life and mine, and what she is going through and what I am going through, and our mothers are similar. I also told him that when this is all over I bet my cousin and Aunt M will go back to not having much to do with me. He asked why that matters, and I said it doesn’t matter, but it will hurt. He said that it is good to go into it knowing I could get hurt, and I said it seems stupid to go into a situation knowing I will get hurt in the end. He said, “Like relationships? Like owning a pet?” Yes, like that I suppose.

So I get a week off next week, but frankly I would rather go to therapy than have my mother staying here. He wished me good luck.

I know I am not keeping up with others’ blogs right now, and I feel badly about that. This situation is just occupying my time, real time and emotional time. I was up at 4:30am thinking about her and what to do for her. I promise to catch up soon.