Monthly Archives: April 2011

Apr 30 2011

A Lightbulb Moment

I was reading the psych central forums this morning and some comments in a particular thread caused a lightbulb to go off in my head (do you see me glowing?)

Here are some excerpts:


Someone once told me, “Since you have done a good job of establishing in your mind that T isn’t good enough, perhaps now you can get down to analyzing the deeper levels of your mind in her presence”.

Not only do I see that I’m responding by retreating, but also, even though I have blamed T for this and that and not-this and not-that…, I knew that she was truly just being regular ole T and she hadn’t become something else. So, that thought, fleeting though it wanted to be, and was… is what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

I want to own my part but I think if I keep reacting and running and not talking about it when it happens, I won’t get to my part.

You DO have to tell t how you are reacting to these things and talk about it. if you don’t do that you don’t move forward and these awful things will just come up over and over and over and over and over and well you get it.

I can understand you find it hard to talk about the reactions while you’re there with her. but you do need to find a way to tell her next time you see her, or in between visits. telling her this stuff that you don’t want to tell her is exacty where healing lies.

The one part that particularly stands out for me is: what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

So my t can say or do anything, he can tell me to go fuck myself basically. The therapy part is what my reaction is, and why I react that way, and how to change it. That really kind of sucks, but I guess that is how one gets to a place of healing, and confidence, and self esteem, and better relationships.

Does that sound right? And yet, how do I get t to understand that I don’t want to change my personality, I want to change how I feel about myself, how I relate to people, and how I react to people.

Apr 29 2011

Another Thing I Did

I called a “holistic health coach” today. This woman is a friend of the woman I work for, as well as friends with two other people I have done work for. The reason I did this was because I have been really watching my diet (plus no drinking), and exercising like crazy, and I’m not losing weight. So I thought I needed a new approach.

When I called this woman we talked a bit about what would happen at the consultation, and she said we would talk a while and she would tell me about her services, and we would see if we are a good fit. I said, “Like finding a therapist!” I told her that I keep a record of everything I eat, and all of my exercise and I could print out charts and reports and bring them with me when I see her. She said that she would prefer I not do that. This makes me nervous. I hope she isn’t going to tell me that I can’t weigh myself, or write down my caloric intake, or keep track of my exercise.

Here are some snippets from her website:

About herself: I needed to learn how to let go and start focusing on me – having fun, developing relationships, and developing a spiritual connection. I’m learning if I can put even half the focus I put on others onto myself, I can have a rich, full, balanced life. Today I have a road map of how I can maintain balance in my life, or better stated, I am usually able to tune in to my life’s rhythm and know which food, primary and/or secondary, needs to be addressed. The beautiful thing is that I don’t look at my life and think why did I make all those mistakes. I prefer to think that mistakes are life’s way of telling us to change direction. Didn’t my mistakes lead me to where I am today?

About her work: I will help you create a completely personalized “roadmap to health” that suits your unique body, lifestyle, preferences, and goals. I practice a holistic approach to health and wellness, which means that I look at how all areas of your life are connected. Does stress at your job or in your relationship cause you to overeat? Does lack of sleep or low energy prevent you from exercising? As we work together, we will look at how all parts of your life affect your health as a whole. My approach is not to dwell on calories, carbs, fats, and proteins. It is not to create lists of restrictions or good and bad foods. Instead, I work with my clients to create a happy, healthy life in a way that is flexible, fun and rewarding.

A couple of goals for her clients:
improve your personal relationships
discover the confidence to create the life you want

I would get two 50 minute sessions per month (longer than my therapist gives me!) and email and phone support, handouts, newsletters, recipes, etc.

I’m meeting with her Monday after work. Maybe I don’t need a therapist, maybe I need a health coach. Sounds like she can do everything I’m going to therapy for. I thought she would just monitor my calories and exercise, but I guess the “holistic” part is getting every part of one’s life involved. Sounds like she is “big picture” person, kind of like me. I wonder if she knows her MBTI personality type.

Apr 28 2011

Look What I Bought

It’s yarn. I have been wanting to start knitting again, which I haven’t done in a long time. Knitting was always an important creative, relaxing outlet for me, and I gave it up, for whatever reason. Lazy and stupid again I suppose. My cousin had a baby in February and I thought a baby sweater would be a perfect project to get me going again.

Maybe this will be another positive step I can take to avoid last year’s May 13 meltdown. Gee, I wish my therapist would give me suggestions on how to do this, is that not what I am paying him for? Maybe I don’t need no stinking therapy, I can think these things up on my own.

Like it?

yarn

Apr 27 2011

A Letter To My Therapist

Dear T,

I am wondering if you have been trying to make me angry during these last two sessions. I thought things were going well with us for the past couple of months, and I think that was due in part to the fact that I stopped writing in my blog, and also because I was focusing on day to day things.

But when I try to talk about larger issues, things fall apart. I feel misunderstood, minimized, and like we are on different wavelengths, despite feeling understood and like you are helping me when we talk about the smaller things. At our session two weeks ago I brought up that I was concerned that this time last year was very bad for me, and I want to avoid that happening this year. You asked if I can avoid or get past bad feelings by thinking about the future, thinking about how I will feel one hour from now, or one day, or one week. I told you that I don’t think about the future and I have no idea how I will feel in the future. You said that one day you woke up and felt very tired, but you thought to yourself that if you have some coffee you will feel better in a couple of hours. I commented that it’s not a very comparison to suicidal thoughts.

I have talked previously about how I don’t see anything for myself in the future. I can’t picture it, I don’t want to think about it, because it will just be more of the same, life as it is right now or worse, getting old and sick and more and more alone. So I don’t see how thinking about the future will ever make me feel anything but worse. I thought it would be better to talk about concrete ways to avoid a repeat of last year, some things I have come up with on my own, as we talked about last week. I stopped drinking so much, started running again, etc. I think real actions that I could take would work better for me than thinking about how I will feel in the future, and I felt misunderstood because I have told you before that I don’t see anything positive in my future.

This week I talked about how I don’t see any difference in myself or my life from a year ago at this time. You mentioned that you do see a change in me, that I am not so introspective anymore. I am confused about that, because I don’t see what is wrong with being introspective, and you have never mentioned before that it is a characteristic of myself that I should try to change. I would think that introspection would be a good quality, particularly when one is in therapy. Is the therapy just supposed to happen in one 45 minute block of time per week? I wish there was a more positive change, for example, being with and having fun with my friends again, feeling better about myself, having a better relationship with my husband and children.

Then we talked about what makes life worth living, and you told me that it is the little things that happen on a daily basis. That I need to be mindful and have gratitude and stop to smell the roses. Personally I think I do stop to smell the roses. There are lots of things in life that give me a good feeling – seeing the geese being born on the towpath, beautiful movies and music, or the change of seasons. I told you that I was looking at the bigger picture, and you said that is my problem, looking at the bigger picture and not seeing the details.

I feel that you are trying to convince me that I should think like you do. But this won’t work, because we think differently and because our lives are so different. It seems as though it would be easy to be happy with haircuts, and tulips and puzzle apps on the phone, when the rest of your life is fulfilling. You seem to have a gratifying career helping people, great relationships with your wife and friends, financial security, and you are healthy, young, fit, good looking. With a life like that a hair cut or a warm day is just icing on the cake.

As for mindfulness, sure I am mindful. When my husband comes home from work I am mindful of the fact that we haven’t done anything together for weeks. When I am at work doing menial chores like filing and picking up bananas at the grocery store I am mindful that I have never made anything of myself professionaly. When I see my son sitting in his messy room, unshowered, playing video games, I am mindful of the mistakes I made raising him.

I am grateful for many things in my life and I think about them every day. I live in a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, I drive a safe and environmentally friendly car, my children are healthy, I have good friends who care about me, and lots of other things. But as I said, I guess my expectations are too high. I’m too idealistic I suppose.

When I compare my life with yours I know I can never measure up. I know this is my distorted thinking, but I imagine you laughing at me in your head. I told you that I started running and biking, and you are probably thinking “What kind of running and biking can an old, fat woman like her do?” And I feel like you are always trying to one up me, even when you don’t intend to. I started riding my bike this week, and I felt pretty good about it. But when I pulled into your office parking lot yesterday, what did I see on top of your car? A high performance road bike. Yeah, I peddle along on my dopey little bike on dirt trails, while you crank out 40 or 50 miles on the highway between clients.

I know you swim, and that you ran in a race not long ago, and had a great race time despite never having run before, and now you are biking. I guess you are training for a triathlon. Want to hear something crazy? A couple of years ago I had the idea of doing a triathlon, a sprint triathlon of course, because I thought it would be a good thing to do when I turned 50. But I never did it, because I thought I couldn’t. And now you are training for what is probably an Ironman Triathlon. If I even brought up the idea of doing a triathlon myself you would most likely laugh your head off.

Another thing I don’t understand at all, is that when I mentioned that I feel it is important to always be growing as a person you said, “That’s fine if you are 6 years old.” I felt so dismissed, as though what I had said was beyond ridiculous. But I do really believe that, for me at least, growing and learning is important. Learning new things, becoming a better person, whatever. And you reduced that to an old lady in a nursing home playing sudoku. I have no intention of getting a PhD, but what if I wanted to? Why couldn’t I? Why do I have to play sudoku?

I know I am being triggered by the same things my mother used to do to me. Even now, I am a grown adult, and she criticizes me for the way I am dealing with my children. I immediately get that feeling of being a failure. I’m wondering if you are doing this to me on purpose, if it is some kind of therapeutic technique, to get me to feel like I do when my mother does this to me. Or if you really feel that I will never be good enough, that I will never measure up to you, and my life will never be as satisfying as yours is.

I wonder if that is why you brought up the story about the hole in the plane. That you were purposely scaring me to prove that I am really not as fearless about flying as I thought I was.

Someone told me that I shouldn’t ruminate on this until the next time I see you. That is the purpose of writing all of this out, even though I have been avoiding writing so that I can actually talk. But hopefully by emptying my head on paper I won’t have to think about it until next Tuesday, and I can enjoy little things like seeing the baby geese.

Apr 26 2011

Therapy Recap 4/26/11

I thought J would talk more about the incident two weeks ago when he made me afraid to fly, but he just asked how the flights were and I said they were fine. I didn’t really have much to say, it’s always hard to start when I’ve taken a week off, so he asked me how my trip was and we talked about that a little.

Then I told him that I am no different than I was a year ago, and my problems are all exactly the same and my life is still exactly the same. And that this time a year ago I was suicidal, and at the beginning of this month I made some changes thinking I could avoid the same situation this year. He asked about the changes and I told him that I quit drinking so much (quit drinking totally at home, just a glass of wine when I go out every now and then), I started running, and walking, and cycling, I started eating my crazy healthy food like chia seeds and amazing grass and spinach smoothies, I unsubscribed from a bunch of mental health blogs and stopped reading so much about psychology and I’m trying to read more fitness and health blogs, I’m taking wellbutrin, I emailed an old running buddy to get together for a run, etc.

We talked about why I made the changes, and why I stopped my healthy habits about four months ago. I told him it was because I was stupid and lazy. He asked if I have a feeling of accomplishment for making these changes and I told him that I don’t. These are things that I should be doing. I feel regret for stopping them. He wanted to know why I feel bad when I have these negative behaviors, but I don’t feel good when I have good behaviors, and I told him because this is what I should be doing, it is not something to feel good about. He tried to convince me that quitting the drinking is an accomplishment and I said it doesn’t feel like one because once I made up my mind to do it, it wasn’t hard. He told me that Elton John said his greatest accomplishment was getting off drugs. I said that I admire anyone who can get off drugs, that it is very hard. He said, “But not you?”

Then he said that he does see changes in me since last year, that I am not so introspective and I am more open in therapy. I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with being introspective, as a matter of fact I have been this way my whole life. Lots of people are introspective, I don’t see what the problem with it is. But that was the only change he mentioned.

Then we got onto why I think my life is bad. I told him that I have no reason to get up in the morning, that what is the point of my life? He said that life is the little things, different things that occur. His examples were getting your hair cut and making something new for dinner. I asked if getting my hair cut and making something new for dinner is supposed to make my life better. He said that having something new every day makes life good.

I said I am thinking of the bigger picture, and he said that is the problem, I am thinking of the bigger picture when I should be seeing the little things. I need to be mindful and have gratitude. He said someone else might sit on this couch and describe their life exactly like mine and say it is great. He asked if I don’t get my car washed because it might get dirty again the next day. He said lots of people feel good about the warm weather we are having, and did I notice the tulips are blooming? He said I don’t stop to smell the roses.

I asked if I should just accept and live with my problems instead of trying to fix them. He gave me an example of someone who likes to run, but gets arthritis in their knee. They try a few things to fix it so they can keep running, but it doesn’t work, so they have to accept that they can’t run anymore and find something else to do, like swim. So I asked if I should just accept my marriage the way it is. He said I could see a marriage counselor or give my husband an ultimatum. I said, “So should I do those things?” And he asked if my marriage is important to me and I said it is. But he didn’t say anything else about it.

He asked me what would be good about life as I imagine it and I said I think it is important to keep growing as a person. He said if I was 6 years old that would be true. I said that I disagree, that I think it is important to continue to learn and to be a better person and he said that is why elderly people in nursing homes do sudoku and puzzle games, and there are lots of apps like that for the iphone. I said that I was thinking more like getting a PhD, and he said well, it’s like running a marathon, you can’t just go out and do it, you have to work up to it. So I said sarcastically, “Well I guess I’ll get some apps then.”

I said a few times that I guess I have expectations that are too high. So it seems like if I get my hair cut, smell some tulips, and download some puzzle apps for my phone, I’ll have a complete and happy life.

If that is true, why do I now feel like having a drink, when I haven’t felt that urge in four weeks. And why do I feel like self injuring, when I haven’t done that in months.

I guess if one has a perfect life like my therapist has, it is easy to be happy with hair cuts and tulips.

Apr 22 2011

I’m So Mad At Myself

I thought I was really over my fear of flying. I don’t normally have the pre-anxiety that I used to have, but I do get a little nervous when we take off, and I do take either a Xanax or a klonopin, but lots of people do that, right?

But I guess I’m not really recovered from the phobia. My therapist told me a story about a plane getting a big hole in it and how the law of physics prevents people from being sucked out of the hole. Then I had to go home and read everything about this event on the internet and get freaked out.

Luckily it didn’t ruin my vacation. I did think about it quite a bit while I was there, but I was able to enjoy myself. It just pisses me off that one little thing like that can set me back.

Apr 13 2011

Flight Anxiety

I did a stupid thing last night. But it’s not my fault. Yesterday in my session I jokingly said that I was going to Florida on Southwest Airlines, the airline that gets holes in it planes. Actually I had only heard about the plane with the hole, but I didn’t read any news articles or look on the internet about it, because as a fearful flyer I have been taught that doing those things is not good for me. But J talked about it quite a bit, telling me why people didn’t get sucked out of the hole. I said “The hole wasn’t that big!” And he said that yes it was. So last night I looked up the story on the internet, and saw photos that passengers took of the hole, and learned that the plane made an emergency landing.

When I woke up today I was very anxious about taking this flight tomorrow. I emailed J and asked him to call me, and we talked about it for awhile. He said he just assumed I would know the whole (no pun intended) story, since I am a person who is always on top of things, and he didn’t realize at the time that what he told me would make me anxious. He did apologize quite a few times, and at one point mentioned “therapists who talk too much”. He reassured me with facts and logic. I asked if I should fly another airline and he said if it would make me feel better I could do that, but is 100% sure nothing will happen on the Southwest flight, or any other flight I am on. He said I could curse him out the whole time I am on the plane if I wish.

I told him that I do not want to be anxious about my return flight the entire time I am in Florida, which is how I used to be before I became a less fearful flyer. I have been looking forward to this trip since September, and I want to go.

He told me that I am welcome to call him tomorrow morning if I am anxious. Sometimes he should really keep his mouth shut.

Apr 12 2011

Therapy Recap 4/12/11

Last night I sent J my blog post from Saturday, about opening up to my good friend. I told him I didn’t feel like telling the whole story, it was easier to just let him read it, and we could talk about it or not. I told him that I thought he would like what I did.

So today we did talk about it a little, he brought it up immediately. I told him that my cousin somewhat inspired me to do this, because I see how she is open with people in her life and she can call them when she needs help. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to that point, but telling someone was a start. I also talked about my other friend who I emailed back in December telling her a little about my circumstances and she told me to read Eckhart Tolle. Then when she came to visit in January she didn’t mention anything about it for the first hour and a half. Finally she said, “So are you over your crisis, or whatever that was?”

I told J that she is a good friend, but obviously not so good in this particular situation. He told me that I must have seemed perfectly normal when we got together, so maybe she was hesitant to bring it up. He said people often times don’t know what to say, and he gave the example of a friend of his who has a very sick wife, and when J sees him he doesn’t know what to say. So we talked about that for a while.

Then I talked about the stress and anxiety about my cousin, how anxious and sick feeling I was when I went to her house for the first time since the incident, and then we went out to dinner at the same shopping center where the Chipotle was. I also told him I have bad thoughts that just pop into my head about the ER, and also bad dreams. He asked me about the dreams, and I said I have been having a lot of beach dreams, which I have had all of my life, and also dreams about hospitals where I am the patient. He asked me about my beach dreams, and I told him that I am usually facing the ocean and there is a brick wall or a building behind me. The tide keeps coming in and in, and I am trapped. And sometimes I have dreams about my son drowning (I think this is due to an incident I had at the beach with him when he was a baby. But nothing bad happened.)

J told me that perhaps I am having these dreams more right now because I felt trapped when I went to the shopping center to get Chipotle for my cousin, and the dream is about being trapped. He said it is not uncommon for people to have dreams with a recurring theme for a long period of time, even decades, even their whole lives. He asked me about the beach, and I said I like the beach, despite the dreams.

J said it is normal that I would have these anxiety reactions, that the brain makes associations very quickly, but unassociates things very slowly. I said that sucks. He told me the more I go to my cousin’s house, the less anxious I will be. Like even though I have bad dreams about the beach, I still like to go there. I told him how weird it was that her house looked the same as it did that day. I don’t know why I would think that is weird, but it is. He said it is like the fear of flying, that the more I did it the less anxious I became. I told him I had to take a klonopin when I went to her house on Saturday, because I had been so anxious when I went on Thursday.

Then somehow we got off onto a tangent. This is when the session went from good to fair. I guess I was trying to tell J that this is bad time for me to be desensitizing myself to Chipotle and my cousin’s house, because last year at this time was a very bad time for me and I want to avoid that happening this year. He said he remembered that, and the time around my birthday. He asked me if I can get past bad feelings by thinking about the future, if I feel badly can I think how I will feel in one hour, or one day, or one week? I said I have a lot of trouble with that, I don’t look ahead and I have no idea how I will feel in the future. He seemed to think this would be a good way to avoid a repeat of last year. He said when he woke up today he was very tired, but he thought to himself, “I’ll just have some coffee and in two hours I’ll be feeling better.” I said he really can’t compare being tired to being suicidal, and he did agree that this will not work when one is at the bottom of the hole, but just to get past bad times. I was confused by what he was talking about and even asked him what was the point of this. I really wanted to get more into concrete ways to avoid falling into the April/May/June depression from last year.

He didn’t ask what I am doing to try to avoid it, and he was talking so much about the thinking about the future idea that I didn’t have time to say any more. And I can see that what he said made sense, but he tends to go on and on. So in case you are wondering what I am doing to avoid falling back into the hole, I have started running again (although I was running last year at this time and it didn’t help, but I figure running is better than not running), I quit drinking so much (I don’t have any wine in the house, and even though I have a lot of liquor and beer, I really prefer wine, so I don’t drink anything else), I’ve been on Wellbutrin since January, and I’m going to Florida on Thursday for a week to avoid mine and my husband’s toxic families for Passover. I am also trying to lose some weight, or at least get into better shape. I don’t think these things are enough though, and tomorrow it will be one month until my birthday and I am really dreading this month.

This afternoon I had an anxiety attack at work. I couldn’t figure out why I was so anxious. I lost my appetite halfway through my salad, my hands were shaking, and my stomach was in knots. Maybe it is because I was talking about flying on Thursday, and I’m taking Southwest, which had a plane develop a hole in the fuselage last week. They grounded all of their planes to inspect them, which I guess makes this a good time to fly. J was telling me the physics of holes in planes and how a person can’t get sucked out, that only happens in the movies.

So I would say this session was good to fair. It kind of sucks that it wasn’t great at the end and I won’t see him for two weeks, since I’ll be away next week. But the next time I see him I will try to make more of an effort to convey how anxious I am about this time of year, especially coming on the heels of the whole hospital thing with my cousin. Sometimes he and I just miss each other, I think that is natural, and we have had quite a few good sessions in the last month or two. It’s ok.

Apr 9 2011

A Milestone

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend, one of my oldest and best friends. I met her when I was 23 and we were roommates for a while, had our kids at the same time, etc. But she is one of the people I have been isolating myself from, not because of anything about her, but because of my state of mind.

We went to lunch and I told her about my cousin. Then I told her that the reason that my cousin called me was because she knew that I had similar issues. I told my friend that for the past two years or so I have been in therapy and on meds for anxiety, OCD, and depression. I was crying a lot when I told her all of this. And she started to cry too, and came over to my side of the booth and hugged me a lot and sat with me for a long time. I told her I was suicidal last year too.

She felt so badly that I haven’t told anyone, but she understood how hard it was for me to talk about. Not to mention she had cancer while I was going through this, so I definitely didn’t want to put my burdens on her.

After lunch I went back to work and I was exhausted, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. At 5:00 I went home and went to bed. I think I was emotionally drained or something.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about telling her yesterday. But today I think I feel good about it. She sent me a text this morning to see how I am doing and to thank me for sharing with her. She is the first person in real life that I have told any of this to. She is such a good friend.

Apr 6 2011

Therapy Recap 4/5/11

J and I talked more about my cousin and her status. She went home from the hospital last Wednesday. I told him that I have only talked to her once, and that was Thursday night when we were trying to arrange who would take her to her ect treatment on Friday morning. Then her mother came down on Saturday and is staying for two weeks. I told J that her mother (my aunt) called me twice on Saturday, but I didn’t answer. Later in the day I felt bad so I called her back, and she went on and on, telling me how she has always had strong faith, even during her divorce and her cancer, but seeing her daughter like this makes her really question her faith. I told J that really annoyed me. She is always trying to find someone to blame this on – my cousin’s father, her ex-husband, her jobs, now God. Plus she wasn’t even there when her daughter was at her worst, so she didn’t see that.

Then I talked about last Tuesday night when I visited my cousin, she was still in the hospital then. Her ex-boyfriend/friend was there too and we started talking about our mothers. She said about her mother, ”She drives me crazy, but overall I think she is an easy person for most people to get along with.” I had to bite my tongue, but maybe it is true, she has quite a few friends. Then my cousin said about my mother, “Your mother is nice to me now, and she is very good to my son, but when I was little I wasn’t good.” It’s true, that is what my mother thought. Whenever my cousin would leave after a visit my mother would say, “What is wrong with L? She just lays on the couch, she never does anything.” I told J that I felt surprised that my cousin felt this from my mother, maybe my mother even said things like that directly to her, I don’t know. I also felt bad for her because aunts are supposed to be the nice ones, and here she has a mean aunt, and it’s my mother. I also told him that it was a combination of validating and fear hearing her say this about my mother. I have been telling J all along that I am never good enough for my mother, but I always had the idea in the back of my head that maybe it wasn’t her, it was me, I’m too sensitive. But if my cousin felt the same way… However, my cousin is very sensitive too, so maybe both of us are wrong.

That night my cousin also said that she thought my mother favored my sister over me. I didn’t know why she thought that. J and I talked about childhood stuff. He asked me if my mother nagged me to be perfect, ie; homework, keeping my room clean. I said that she didn’t have to nag me, I did all of that on my own. My clothes were organized by color in my closet. I told him that they still are. ROYGBIV, you know? He asked me what this type of organization says about me and I said I guess I am a control freak. He disagreed and said that I prevent anxiety on the back end by organizing things on the front end. It gives me some control, but he doesn’t consider it a control freak. I guess that would be if a pink shirt was mixed in with the black shirts and I had a panic attack. That would be over the top. J said that he organizes his clothes in the closet, work clothes vs other clothes, but his t-shirts are just all in a drawer. My t-shirts are folded so that they can all be seen from above, with drawer dividers, and also in color order. Hey, it makes it easier for me to find things, so don’t criticize me!

We talked about what I should be doing for my cousin now. I have been giving her space. I told J that I feel that she doesn’t want me around, that I was in her space for two and half weeks and now she needs to be away from me. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone there every day. He asked me what she is doing or saying that leads me to believe this. I told him that she isn’t doing or saying anything, it is just my distorted thinking. Yay for me! Progress in therapy I guess.

But he did tell me that I should call her and just say that I’m around, if she wants me to come by I am available, if there is anything she needs I should let her know. I told him I could do that.

We also addressed how I should deal with her mother. I don’t want a relationship with her mother, she never wanted one with me, and now suddenly I’m her best friend. She texts me all the time, she wants me to come over and visit. J said I should ride the wave, deal with her while she is friendly, but keep in mind that it won’t last. I told him that she annoys me so much and I am very angry with her, and seeing her is fairly intolerable. I said that I know he told me to let the anger roll off of my back, and he said he knows that is easier said than done. She wants to plan a weekend at the beach, but she told me that she doesn’t want my mother to come. J says if she mentions it, I should tell her that I am not comfortable doing that. My mother still doesn’t know any of the stuff that has happened with my cousin, or my involvement in this.

I talked about my guilt, how I could have done more to prevent the overdose from happening. I should have convinced her mother that L really needed inpatient treatment, and I should have called her psychiatrist to let him know how suicidal she was, as people were suggesting to me. J said that there is nothing more I could have done. I could have talked to her mother until I was blue in the face, but she wouldn’t listen. She minimized the whole thing, she didn’t even come down here until two days after the overdose, and that was because I called her and said I thought L might die. As for calling the psychiatrist, J said that he has gotten calls from people who are concerned about someone he is seeing. It doesn’t make him pick up the phone and call 911. The next time the person comes in, he would ask about things and make his own determination, or he would consult with other doctors seeing that person. If I had called the doctor, it is entirely possible that nothing would have come out differently, except for the fact that my cousin wouldn’t trust me because I went behind her back. I know all of this logically, but it is hard for me to get over guilt.

I didn’t mention Chipotle and he didn’t either. I didn’t want him to think I am a bad or resistant client.

Somehow we got to talking about our dogs. He said his dog is afraid of thunder and I said, “Oh my god, so is mine. Was yours freaking out the last two nights?” Because the last two nights we had storms in the middle of the night. He said he even told his wife that they would have to call the vet and get something for the dog because they aren’t sleeping and they are exhausted. I told him that he could give the dog xanax. He said his dog starts panting and shaking ten minutes before he can even hear the thunder, and I said my dog too! I said my dog is 11 and she still hasn’t gotten used to it, and he said his dog is 7 and hasn’t gotten used to it either. I told him that now my dog is afraid of wind and rain, and he said his is too because she knows thunder is coming. I can’t remember why we had this conversation, but it was so weird, like just a normal conversation two people would have. I think it had something to do with not getting annoyed or mad at the dog, because she can’t help it when she gets afraid. And my aunt can’t help the way she is and she isn’t going to change, so I have to accept her the way she is. I said, “I don’t have to like it.” And he said that I don’t have to like it.

He said that there was only one instance in the session where I was self-deprecating. Previously I would talk about feeling guilty, and feeling guilty for feeling guilty, and how everything is my fault, but today I didn’t do that and he was very pleased.

I wanted to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling in general since the overdose, emotional, bad dreams, etc, but there was no time. All of this will probably go away in time anyway.