It turns out that I have a malignant tumor in my kidney, but it was caught very early. I meet with a surgeon next week and sometime in the next few weeks I will have the kidney removed via laparoscopic surgery. And that is it, I’ll be as good as new – minus one kidney. Luckily we have two.
Today was a good session. I really don’t understand the bad session/good session cycle, or what causes a session to go in a positive direction or a negative direction.
But maybe it was good because I didn’t have an agenda today; I wasn’t sure what I would be talking about when I got there.
J started by asking me if I had my scan yesterday, which was nice that he remembered. I told him about the insurance issues and had a little rant about the bureaucracy of it all, and how the insurance company is stealing my money and not paying for anything. He listened patiently, and agreed with me, and gave me some examples of insurance bullshit from his point of view as a provider.
Then he asked me about my anxiety during the procedure yesterday, and I told him I wasn’t anxious at all. I don’t get anxious about medical procedures, unless they are really painful and luckily I haven’t had any of those. I told him that the staff was very nice to me and that it all very pleasant. I said I would be anxious on Thursday when I go to the doctor to get the results. J asked me how much I am thinking about it, and we talked a little about that.
He asked me what I will do after the doctor appointment and I said that I usually run on Thursday mornings, so after the doctor visit I think I’ll go run.
I admitted that in a way I would like the doctor to tell me that I have something, not something serious, I really don’t want a diagnosis of cancer, but something minor, just enough that I have to stay at home for a week or so, and have people write me get well notes on Facebook, and send me the beautiful fruit flowers from Edible Arrangements, and call me to see how I am doing. I said, “Isn’t that embarrassing?”
J told me that many people have these fantasies. Even imagining your own funeral to see who would be there. He said it’s perfectly normal, and it’s not like I am purposely making myself sick to see who cares about me. Then I said, if it is something that minor I probably wouldn’t tell anyone anyway, so it’s kind of ridiculous that I would even want that. J said that I seem to be caught between wanted to be loved and cared for and have people pay attention to me, and not wanting attention, not wanting to be vulnerable, and not wanting to share things with people.
I told J that my mother had a medical procedure recently and she gave me a list of 20 people to call when it was over. I told her that I am not going to call 20 people, that she should pick the top three. I told him that there are not 20 people on my list that I would even tell. I talked about when my father was sick, and when her second husband was sick, and she would spend all day on the phone with friends going over the story multiple times. And she would tell the story with the same degree of emotion each time.
J said, doesn’t the 15th person on the list deserve the same story telling emotion as the 1st person? She wouldn’t want that person to know they were so far down on the list, would she? Good point. I told him that I just didn’t understand what she was trying to get by telling so many people. I guess she wanted attention, and for people to prove that they cared. If someone didn’t respond correctly she would immediately get angry and think there was something wrong with that person.
We talked about how if that happened to me I would think there was something wrong with me, not the other person. J pointed out that I tend to think the problems in my marriage are all my fault, and my husband not being emotionally supportive is my fault, but he said that the story about my husband’s friends seeing him emotional for the first time despite knowing him for 10 or 20 years shows that it’s not me, it’s my husband and his lack of emotion. I guess I couldn’t really argue with that.
He asked if I had told any friends about the medical issue, and I said that I did have to tell one, because she was there when the radiology place called me and she heard me talking about the CT scan. But otherwise no. I asked how or why I would even tell anyone, there really isn’t anything to tell. He said if I went out with a friend I could tell them that I had a procedure and the doctor found something and I’m a little anxious about it. That’s it. I told him that I did go out with a friend last week, and she told me that her husband found a lump in his neck. Well, I certainly couldn’t talk about my problems after that, it would seem like I am trying to one up her. He said he didn’t see it that way; that I could mention that I also have a medical issue so I know how it feels, kind of like commiserating with her. I guess.
He asked if I had told my husband any of this yet, and I said I did not. My husband went away on a five day golf trip, so he wasn’t even here for the whole thing. Not that I would tell him anyway. J seems very fascinated with my husband and our relationship. We talked about my husband’s lack of demonstrating emotion, and that I think he really doesn’t feel a lot of emotion. My husband’s friends were flabbergasted a few weeks ago when my husband was on the golf course with them and found out that we sold our horse. They said they have never seen him so happy, that they never even saw him show emotion before.
J asked if I could tell my husband’s emotions even though they are not readily apparent, and has he showed any kind of support to me throughout the marriage. I told him that my husband never objected when I would venture into some wacky new idea – I have had a lot of interests over the years. And if I wanted to go back to school he wouldn’t object. So that is supportive. And I told J about this problem my husband has, whenever he is stressed he has a problem with gagging and throwing up in the mornings. J said that makes sense, because my husband doesn’t express his emotions, he keeps them inside, and they have to come out in some way, and for him they are coming out in a physical way.
We talked some more about the relationship and is it good enough for me. I thought about it and said that no, it is not good enough. J asked if I am doing anything to try to make it better for me, and I said I gave up trying a long time ago. He asked when I gave up and I told him that it was when my son was in 4th grade and I was trying to get him special services at school and my husband wouldn’t get involved at all, he wouldn’t come with me to meetings or even read the material I left for him. And that is why I was never able to help my son, because I am not assertive like that and school meetings intimidated me.
J asked if I take all of the blame, shouldn’t my husband have some because he didn’t get involved? I said that if I met someone in my situation I would say that she definitely shouldn’t take the blame, that her husband should step up to the plate, but for me I seem to take all of the blame. That there wasn’t anything I could do to get my husband to help, so what was wrong with me.
It was an interesting session, how one thing flowed into the next. J did lead the entire session; I particularly noticed that whenever there was a few seconds of silence J would ask a question. His questions were good today though.
At the end he told me that I should call or email him this week if I want to. That was nice. He offers that a lot, but I rarely take him up on it. I used to email a lot, but not anymore.
Maybe next week I’ll try again to talk about what I wanted to talk about last week, but I have to see what comes up in the meantime, especially after I meet with the doctor on Thursday. At least tonight I am not drinking, like I was last Tuesday night!
As of Friday night at 6:30PM, the insurance company had not approved my CT scan which was scheduled for 9:00am this morning, so I thought for sure I wouldn’t be going.
This morning at 8:30am the radiology center called me to tell me that they still didn’t have approval, and I asked what the procedure would cost. She said it was a little over $500 and about $60 more for the IV contrast dye. Wow, I thought she was going to say $3000 or something. I can’t believe the insurance company is making such a fuss over something that costs less than $600!
So I decided to just pay out of pocket. I got to the radiology center an hour early, as instructed, so I could drink the barium. But when I got there they said I didn’t need barium. So much for getting there early.
Then the woman at the desk said that this procedure doesn’t even need pre-approval from my insurance company and she would send it in to them. If they don’t pay then she’ll bill me. I have no idea what is going on, I get a different story from everyone I talk to.
But in any case I had the CT scan, it is a very easy procedure, much easier and faster than an MRI, and they validated my parking so I didn’t have to pay!
I have an appointment with the substitute doctor on Thursday morning to get the results. And that is that! I’m so glad I got it done, because I was dreading having to make more phone calls.
Today at 3:30PM I got a call from the Radiology center telling me that they have not gotten approval for my CT scan which is supposed to take place first thing Monday morning. The woman told me that she talked to “Carl” in my doctor’s office on Monday and he was supposed to send in a request to the insurance company, but she has not gotten anything from them yet. And if she doesn’t get it, I can’t have the CT scan. Unless I pay out of pocket, and I can’t even imagine how much that would cost, considering a simple ultrasound was $303.00.
So I called the doctor’s office (was on hold for 15 minutes) and asked for Carl (on hold another 10 minutes). He said, “I sent in the request on Monday.” And that was it.
I asked if he followed up with them, and he said no, but they would send the approval directly to the radiology center. I told him they have not received it yet. He replied, “Well I sent it.”
I asked him if he would follow up with them and he said he would ask the referral coordinator. Oh yay, a referral coordinator! I asked to speak to her, and he said she is off today. I asked how is he going to ask her if she is not there?
I asked him again to call the insurance company today, and he said he would. I asked him if he would call me back and he said he would. I asked him if he would call me back today and he said he would. I asked him if he had my phone number and he didn’t, so I gave it to him.
I didn’t hear from him. What a surprise – NOT!
I called the insurance company and was only on hold for about 10 minutes. They said they have not received any request from my doctor’s office.
So that is it. Doctor’s office says they sent request, insurance company says they have no request. Who is telling the truth?
There is no way this will be resolved by Monday morning, so no CT scan for me. Too bad I rescheduled a bunch of other things in order to clear my morning.
And my doctor is on vacation next week.
I feel like I have a reprieve. I don’t have to worry about the damn test, and getting the results, and maybe getting bad news. As long as nothing is happening, then nothing is happening.
Even J, my therapist, said “If there was something dire, they’d make you come in today.” So how bad could it be if my doctor’s office hasn’t even sent in the request for the CT scan?
I am not feeling very good this morning. Whether that is due to my feelings towards my therapist and myself after yesterday’s session, or a result of drinking half a bottle of Skinny Girl margaritas, I don’t know.
If I were to write my t an email today, this is what it would say:
I have told you this before, and I know it is wrong of me to assume that you would remember it, after all you have so many clients. I should be reminding you of things, and I take full responsibility for not doing that.
But what I have told you before and it still applies now is that when I walk into your office and I don’t talk, it is not because I don’t have anything to say. It takes me a while to get started. I am sorry that I have this anxiety about talking, and that I am very slow. You don’t need to ask me, “What are we talking about today?”, and if you have something you would like to talk about, perhaps it would be best to first ask me if I have something to talk about. And if I sit and say nothing, perhaps it would be helpful for you to be patient and wait a bit, or even ask me if I am having trouble getting started. I think it would make me feel more at ease to know that I don’t have to rush because you are getting frustrated and impatient with my lack of ability to start right away the second I sit down.
And I know I am supposed to interrupt you if there is something I want to talk about. And I am sorry that I cannot do that. When you are talking very intently about whatever it is that you are talking about I physically cannot interrupt no matter how much my brain is screaming at me to do that.
I also like silence. It gives me a chance to process and think and get ready for whatever I want to say next. I feel that you do not like silence because you tend to fill it up whenever there is a moment of quiet. That makes me anxious as well.
Perhaps we are just not compatible, although there are times when it seems that things work well. And just when things are going along fine, a session like yesterday happens and I end up beating myself up for a week because I didn’t do the right things. I didn’t talk fast enough, I didn’t start talking right away, I didn’t interrupt. I know that is what I should be doing and I don’t know why I still am not able to. So I am sorry for being the way I am, but maybe you can be more patient and helpful in allowing me my space and time to gather my thoughts and get started talking?
I do really like when you ask me about something that I have told you is going to be happening, or when you ask me how something we had previously talked about went. And that is what you did yesterday when you asked me about my trip to the beach. Unfortunately it turned into a discussion about other issues – food, eating, weight, etc – and I felt that it was snowballing out of my control. And I was disappointed and hurt that the relatively less important topic of the beach took so much time, and the, in my opinion, incredibly huge topic of “cancer” wasn’t even mentioned. And you explained this by saying that you had the beach on your mind, so that is what you asked about. I still don’t really understand that, but I appreciate your honesty. You can’t read my mind and know what I think is important, and maybe vacations are more important to you than health but I can’t read your mind either.
So that is how I feel today. Thank you, T.
Did you want to read about bad therapy? Great! You’ve come to the right place. I’ll tell you all about bad therapy, and being a bad client as well.
Back on January 18, 2011 J and I talked about what I thought my life would be like on July 18, 2011. (You can go read it and come back.) I thought it would be particularly appropriate to revisit this in my session today, because we were talking about sickness and dying, and that is relevant to my life right now. I printed out the post and brought it with me.
The last correspondence J and I had was last Tuesday, after the doctor’s office called me to tell me that I needed to come in to find out the results of my ultrasound kidney test. I told him in an email that I was going to meet with her Monday (yesterday).
When I got to the office J asked me “How was the beach?” I told him it was great, very relaxing and I had a fun time. He started asking me questions about it and I answered. I told him that my friends were very nice to me, didn’t make fun of me (even though they usually do it kiddingly) at all, and even ordered me carrot sticks with the guacamole because they knew I didn’t want to eat chips. He asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how was it, and I said it was a 10. Don’t you think that would be enough about that? Not for J, I guess.
He was asking me so many questions.
Did I have any special treats to eat?
Did I like feeling more relaxed or did it cause anxiety?
What happened with my weight considering I didn’t have a scale?
Do I want to be more flexible in my eating?
Can I journal my food at the end of the day instead of all throughout the day?
I was totally zoning out. I was looking at the clock, almost 20 minutes had gone by. I couldn’t answer his questions, I had no idea about how I felt about anything he was asking. Finally I said something like, “Aaarggghhhh.” I put my head in my hands. I said, “I can’t answer these questions. I don’t want to talk about food. I’m very distracted.”
J said, “OK, tell me what you are thinking, what is distracting you.”
I said, “The medical stuff.”
He replied, “Did you see the doctor yesterday?” Aha, so he did remember that I was seeing the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the ultrasound. He just didn’t think it was very important I suppose.
I told him the whole story about how I talked to her last week, and the mass in my kidney, and the upcoming CT scan. We talked about a lot of practical medical stuff and how I googled this condition and I think my doctor is doing everything procedurally correctly.
He asked me who I have told, and I said that I told my boss since he was the first person I saw and I knew he would “get it” because he is very similar to me in the areas of illness and anxiety, and I told my other boss because she overheard me talking to the doctor on the phone. The only other people I have told are my good blog buddies (thank you blog buddies!). He asked if I told my husband, and I said that I have not.
We moved on to talking about emotional support, and I said I don’t even know what that is. He said it is whatever a person needs it to be. I asked him what I need and he said he doesn’t know what I need. He started asking me about my husband:
If you need a biopsy would your husband get engaged in the process?
If you had surgery would he give you emotional support?
I said that my husband doesn’t “do” emotional support, and he doesn’t “do” medical stuff. I would ask him to take me for my biopsy if I need one, but if he won’t or can’t I would have to ask someone else.
I got emotional at this point. I realized that I am afraid to talk to anyone about my problems, because I am afraid that they will not be interested. And yet, I think it would make me feel better to have someone to talk to. I said to J, “No one would be interested. Even you weren’t interested, you didn’t ask me about the doctor.”
He seemed to get annoyed. He said that he had the beach on his mind so that was his first question, and if I had something to talk about I should have brought it up or changed the subject. Personally, I think that is bullshit. Why did he have the beach on his mind rather than the doctor? And why do we have to talk about what is on his mind instead of what is on my mind? He knows how difficult it is for me to interrupt him, he talks on and on, so was this a test? I guess it is all my fault, for not telling him that I have something else to talk about, for not interrupting him when he is telling me about how he took his dog for a walk to the park every day when he was at the beach, and for not being more assertive. I’m not a good enough client. I already know that.
J told me that if I want people to be interested I have to make my needs known to people. If I say offhandedly, “Oh yeah, I’m having a CT scan next week, it’s no big deal” then people will act like it’s no big deal. But if I say, “I am having a medical problem, I don’t know what it is, but I am having tests and I’m a little anxious, and I could use your help next week, maybe going out to lunch or something, that would be helpful” then they will step up to the plate. He said he knows that my friends will be interested, that they would be happy to support me, based on the fact that they ordered carrots for me with the guacamole and didn’t make fun of me for bringing my own food to the beach. He doesn’t think my husband will be supportive though, based on what I have told him.
I said, “I don’t want to beg people to give me support” and he said it is not begging. It is asking for what I need, if that is what I need. Only I can determine what I need.
I said, “I just would like someone to be interested in me.” That is really all. I don’t need hand holding, or someone sitting with me during a CT scan or during a doctor’s visit. Just someone to express interest and ask me how I am doing.
I never got to talk about the January 18th session. At the end J said, “If you need to vent or purge please email or call me anytime this week.” I replied, “I’ll be OK, thank you.”
And that was that.
But a little later in the afternoon my boss texted me from Tuscany where he is on vacation with his sons. He wanted to get an update on the kidney stuff and see if I have heard any more from the doctor. I told him that I did talk to her to get more info, and that my CT scan is next week and I find out the results on the 28th. He said it is crazy that I have to wait that long, but I told him it takes that long to get approval from the insurance company. He asked me if the doctor said anything to make me any calmer, and I told him that she seems to have figured out that I am a person who needs all of the details and the total truth. I said that my attitude is “benign until proven malignant”, and he said he would chant it every day too.
And my blog friends have been so supportive as well, I don’t know what I would do without all of you. So what that my t isn’t any better than my husband? I have other people I can rely on.
Further update on the medical stuff, I made an appointment for the CT scan on Monday, July 25th, and a follow up with the doctor to get the results on Thursday, July 28th. My doctor will be on vacation, but another doctor in the practice will see me. I also talked to my doctor today to ask her some questions. She said a lesion is less than 2cm, a mass is greater than 2cm. Mine is bigger than 2cm, so I don’t know why she told me it is a lesion. It is 3cm x 2.7cm x 2.9cm and on the lower pole of my kidney, not affecting the adrenal gland. A healthy kidney is about the size of a computer mouse. She also said she would find out which doctor I am seeing next week so that she can fill him in on what is happening with me so I can avoid having to tell him the whole story. She seems like a great doctor so far. Now all I can do is wait! Luckily I have no symptoms, so I am just going about my normal activities.
Sorry for the lack of updates, I left Wednesday morning for the beach and Tuesday was a crazy day.
First the therapy recap. It was J’s first day back from vacation and I asked if I was the first client, but he said I wasn’t, that he was warmed up. He did seem particularly on his game. I gave him my list of stressors, and we went through them. First we started with my cousin and we talked about items a-f and how I felt about everything and how I felt about myself. It turns out that I don’t really feel terrible about the cousin situation and how helpful I am being, I actually can see that I am doing a good thing. And the guilt about leaving her dissipated after a couple of days, but not before I had to get the approval of other people. J thinks it is a step in the right direction though.
Then we talked about the medical stuff and kidney disease. J asked me a very weird question, “Would you be disappointed if you found out that you did not have kidney disease?” I don’t know where he got that question from, but answering honestly I had to say yes. I would be disappointed because it would be nice to know what I will die from (assuming I don’t die from something else along the way) and kidney failure isn’t a terrible way to die. I told him that I would NOT want a diagnosis of cancer at all, but kidney disease wouldn’t be so bad. I wonder what he thought about that.
Those two things took up the whole time, but as we were getting up he did mention item #3, and what I had decided about bringing food to the beach. I told him that I did decide to bring food, but not a huge amount. He asked what the chances are that I would have a nervous breakdown at the beach and I said the chances are slim. I said that I don’t even know what a nervous breakdown is.
There was more, but since I didn’t write it out immediately afterwards I can’t remember too much. The reason I didn’t write it out immediately afterwards was because the rest of my day became crazy. After I left J’s office I got a call from my doctor’s office saying I needed to make an appointment to come in and talk to the doctor about the results of the kidney ultrasound that I had last week. Uh-oh, that is always bad. I knew that something was going on with my left kidney because the technician spent a lot of time on that one and took a lot of pictures. And when I got up and looked at the monitor I saw all of the pictures, and they all had a red blob on them. But I was leaving the next day for the beach so I would have to wait until Monday to find out what the results are. I asked the nurse to please explain to the doctor that it would be ok to give me the results over the phone because I don’t want to be anxious until Monday.
I immediately emailed J and told him it must be bad news, and I just needed to tell someone. He said that he thought I had a great attitude about the medical issues, and if I had something wrong with me it has already happened, and once I find out what it is I will just take the next step. But he said I could call or email him anytime, which was nice.
At 2:00 I had an appointment with the endocrinologist because some of the hormonal blood work had come out abnormal also. He was a very nice guy, and we were chatting about my medical history and he said “Do you have anything to add?” I said, “Yes, I think I have cancer.” I told him about the ultrasound and my doctor wanting me to come in. I asked him if he tells patients on the phone that they have cancer, and he said no.
Then the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building. He said he would call the radiology center to see if he could get the report.
I sat outside for a while, while the firemen checked out the building to make sure there was no fire. When I got back in the doctor said he called the radiology center, and they told him that they hadn’t even read the ultrasound yet. Weird? He checked me over and gave me orders for a few more tests and sent me on my way.
I was confused about the report, so I called my doctor’s office back to check and make sure they were calling the right person and they assured me that they had the ultrasound report in my chart. I asked, begged, again for them to ask the doctor to call me.
I texted my boss and said that I might have some bad news for him. I did a few errands, then got to his house at about 5PM. I told him that I think I have cancer. He listened to the whole story, and said he doesn’t think I have cancer. He thinks that I am very attuned to my body and I would know if something is wrong. I know he was just trying to make me feel better, because plenty of people get cancer and don’t know there is anything wrong.
At 8:00PM, the doctor called me. I was so glad! She said I have a lesion on my left kidney and I need to have a CT scan. From that they will determine what it is and if I need a biopsy. She said it could be an angiomyolipoma, which is a fatty benign lesion, or it could be something else (she didn’t name the something else). A lesion didn’t sound too bad to me. I was kind of annoyed that she made such a big deal of not telling me on the phone that I just had a lesion.
But today, when I got home from the beach, I found the referral in the mail from my doctor for the CT scan, which says “Indication: L renal mass seen on ultrasound – please evaluate.” Mass? She didn’t tell me I have a mass. Now I started freaking out a little. Is a lesion a mass? To me a lesion is like a mole, or a scrape on the knee. A mass, to me, equals a big growth, which could be cancer. I’m anxious now. I know to hope for the best, but expect the worst. I will call Monday morning to make the appointment for the CT scan, and then make an appointment to see the doctor a few days later when she gets the report.
While I was at the beach I wasn’t anxious about the kidney thing at all. I even would forget about it, and occasionally a thought would pop in my head “I have a lesion on my kidney.” But now that I know it’s a mass, I have that bad feeling in my stomach. I should have asked her how big the “lesion” is. I don’t even know how big a kidney is.
My boss is the only person I have told about this, except for a couple of blog friends. I don’t really want anyone to make a big deal of it until I know what it is. And maybe not even then.
I made a little outline of what has been stressing me out this past week to help me when I get to therapy tomorrow. It’s always hard for me to talk after having a week off. Writing this out helped, and now I don’t feel like I’ll be floundering.
I have felt stress this week because of:
- My cousin’s issues
- Her mother (my aunt) called last week to tell me that she won’t be coming down here anymore. She feels that my cousin is too dependent on her and that she needs to start practicing tough love.
- I spent the weekend at my cousin’s house to give her boyfriend a break. Although I tried to get her to go out and do some things, I was only partially successful. And then by Sunday afternoon I thought I would jump out of my skin, so I left, but I felt very guilty and selfish about leaving.
- Good aunt was pressuring me to send an email to Bad aunt telling her that I cannot commit to taking care of my cousin, and that she is doing my cousin a disservice by using “tough love”.
- I gave in and sent Bad aunt the email. I still don’t know if that was a good idea.
- The bad relationship between my aunts and my mother, and between one aunt and the other, is weighing on me and I feel like I am frequently caught in the middle.
- I told cousin’s boyfriend that I would stay at her house this weekend also.
- Medical stuff
- Tests came out abnormal in various areas, the particularly troubling one is the test that indicates kidney disease.
- I have been having follow up tests and have appointments scheduled with various doctors.
- Going to the beach
- Food stuff – should I bring food, what should I bring, how much, etc.
- Exercise stuff – not as worried, I can just go out and run by myself, but still a little anxious about it.
- My friends wanting to “talk”, I am not good at talking.
- Anxiety that they think I might have a nervous breakdown at any moment.
- Anxiety that I might have a nervous breakdown at any moment.
I spent the weekend with my cousin L. I got there at about noon Saturday, after waking up at 4:15am to go for an early morning run with my running group, and then doing some errands that needed to get done this weekend.
She was pretty alert and engaged when I got there, and we went out for lunch. She was talkative and laughing. I didn’t think her choice of food was too healthy – a bagel and a pastry. Then we walked over to the movie theater to see what was playing and what time. We planned to go to the movies in the evening.
I was really tired and I usually nap on Saturday afternoons since I have to get up so early, so we went back to the house. L watches the worst tv shows I’ve ever seen – Bones, Leverage, CSI, Law and Order (actually they aren’t terrible shows, but when you watch continuous episodes of them all day and night they kind of get to you). Oh, and House, which I do like, but again, in moderation. So much death, sickness, killing, etc.
I napped for a bit, then got a text from my good aunt – Aunt H – saying that she and my uncle were driving from Florida back home and would be in our area on their way. So L and I met them at the diner for dinner. That worked out really well. L didn’t eat anything. All she had all day was the bagel and pastry. At dinner she was quiet and disengaged. Her affect can change on a dime.
We didn’t make it to movie because dinner went on too long, so back to her house for more Bones, Leverage, CSI, etc….
She kept texting her boyfriend wondering when he was going to come over. She seems to want him there all the time, and he seems to not be able to say no. The reason I was there was so that he could take a break. He did end up working all day Saturday and then came over Saturday night.
Sunday morning I convinced L to come to the grocery store so that she could get a few things. We also picked up bagels. When we got home we had breakfast, she ate three quarters of a bagel, then she started to look a little funny. She said she didn’t feel very well, she got really hot and sweaty, then she said she was full and suddenly exhausted. Her boyfriend left to go to work again, and L and I sat on the deck. It was nice in the shade, but then the sun came around the corner and it was blazing hot. It got up to 95 degrees (35 celsius?), so we went inside. We put on the Tour de France for something different, but only got to see the last 15 minutes before it ended.
Then back to Bones, Leverage, CSI, Law and Order. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she didn’t know. She was really out of it, just sitting on the couch staring at the tv. I wanted to get her out, but it was so hot. I tried to get her to eat, but she wouldn’t. Around noon she said maybe she would take a nap, but she just continued to sit. I was starting to go a little crazy.
At 2PM I was getting really anxious, I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I had gone through all of the books and magazines that I brought with me. I got on facebook and messaged my Aunt H (good aunt) about what was going on. She told me to go home, that I didn’t need to stay there, that nothing disastrous was going to happen to L. She isn’t suicidal. But I was worried about her being alone because of her memory problems. What if she started to cook something and forgot about it and set the house on fire? Which is ridiculous because she doesn’t eat.
I felt badly because I promised her boyfriend that I would stay with her so that he could get home (he was only home once in the past week and that was for 5 minutes so that he could pay his rent) and maybe even go for a bike ride. But I really thought I would lose my mind if I had to sit there another minute, and L said she was going to go to sleep.
I was really torn, and when I was facebooking with my aunt I was getting very emotional and crying. But she convinced me that I didn’t need to stay, so I packed up and left. L said she would be fine. I didn’t feel well about the whole thing. I felt useless – I couldn’t do anything for her. And I felt selfish – I promised her boyfriend I would stay with her. And I felt guilty for leaving.
This whole situation sucks. L said she was going to call her mother today, but she never did. She thinks her mother is very worried about her. Her boyfriend said if she is that worried she would call, but she didn’t call L the whole weekend. She actually hasn’t spoken to her since Wednesday. How worried could she be?
I texted L tonight and she said that she never slept, but she rested. Uh yeah, she was basically resting all day. I told her not to forget to eat. But I’m sure she won’t. Ugh. Do I suck or what? I know that is irrational and illogical thinking. I did spend the weekend with her, I tried to get her out, and there is only so much anyone can do for her. Right? I don’t suck. Not totally anyway.