Monthly Archives: August 2011

Aug 31 2011

We’ll See

I forgot to mention that in my session yesterday I asked J if he has any plans to move, or retire, or quit. And he said, no, he has none of those plans. I think I was afraid that when I take a few weeks off from therapy after my surgery, he won’t be there anymore. Isn’t that weird? I might ask him to leave me a voice mail after my session next week.

So about hospital visitors. I am going into the hospital next Friday at 5:30am, my surgery is at 8:30am and it is expected to last about three hours. Then I am in the recovery room for a couple of hours, then I get moved to a regular room. By then it will be late afternoon. I will have an iv, a catheter, and a drain coming out of my abdomen. I don’t expect to feel very good.

I get discharged the next day. I suppose I will have to wait for the doctor to make his rounds, then wait for people to remove the iv, the catheter and the drain, wait for all of the discharge red tape, wait for the orderly with the wheelchair to come get me, and wait for my husband to bring the car around.

When during all of that time would I have visitors? I told my husband that I don’t want anyone visiting me in the hospital, that I will only be there one night and if people want to see me, they can visit me when I get home, which is the next day! He said, “We’ll see.” I said, “There is no ‘we’ll see’, I don’t want anyone coming to see me in the hospital.” Well, he will be there, and my mother, that is enough.

Last night his sister called and asked me when my surgery is scheduled because “of course we want to come see you in the hospital.” I told her that I will hardly be there very long, and I won’t feel very good the first day, and why doesn’t she come visit me when I get home? She said, “Do you not want people to visit you in the hospital?” I asked her if that would hurt people’s feelings if I said that I don’t want visitors, but I’ll be home the next day and they can visit me then. She said, “Well, we’ll see.”

Is it wrong of me to not want visitors while I am in the hospital? If I was going to be there for a longer period of time, and if I didn’t feel awful I suppose I would want visitors, like after I had my babies. Once I got past the nausea, having visitors was ok, a nice distraction. But I was in the hospital for a week after my son was born, and three days after my daughter. Not just one night.

Maybe I am being selfish, but why would people even want to see me in the hospital? Why can’t they wait one day until I get home?

Aug 30 2011

Therapy Recap 8/30/11

No therapy last week because I met with the surgeon. I would have done a surgeon recap, but nothing new came up. I had the MRI but the surgeon still doesn’t know how much of my kidney he will have to remove. I don’t really like that, but there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is.

Did I mention I love my surgeon? His name starts with a J also, as do mostly all of the medical professionals in my life, so I’ll call him Dr. L. Dr. L. keeps us waiting for about an hour every time we go to see him. But then when he comes in the room he acts like he has all the time in the world for us. He’ll sit down and ask if I have any questions and then just sit there, staring intently at me, and just waiting. Waiting, waiting, to see if I have any questions. Like he has nothing else to do that day, which I know is totally not true – he has a lot to do! But he is great.

Since I missed t last week, I was doubly anxious today. It is always hard to start after a break.
We chit chatted about the weather and the blinds on the windows and what’s new. Then we had this conversation:

Me: Do you have a lot of clients?
J: Depends on the week. Why, what are you thinking about?
Me: Are you really busy?
J: Some days are really packed and others are much lighter.

J waiting intently……

J: What are you thinking about?
Me: If I had a conflict on a Tuesday I wouldn’t be able to reschedule because you are really busy.
J: Absolutely.
Me: Absolutely I can reschedule if I have a conflict?
J: Absolutely.
Me: Oh…ok…..

Of course the unsaid words were “You just have to ask” which means I will probably never reschedule.

Then I asked him about the email he sent me two weeks ago when he apologized for our discussion being a distraction, and he said he knows that the medical stuff is first and foremost for me right now and he is sorry if his joking around and the subsequent discussion distracted me. I told him I didn’t consider it a distraction, that it was important to me.

I told J that I got a “Get Well” card last week, and I didn’t think I deserved it. That I went to a baseball game that night, and what if I had run into the person who sent it? We talked about that for a while, and an online kidney cancer forum I found where someone was asking if we thought it was cheating to call ourselves “cancer survivors.” Most people said they would never think of themselves that way, until they had their surgery. Then they changed their minds.

We talked about how I asked my husband to call the doctor’s office to find out if my insurance has approved the surgery, and my husband actually did it. He left a message for the surgery coordinator, and I told him that she never calls back, so he called again yesterday, and again today until he got in touch with the person. J thought it was great that I asked my husband to do something, and that I gave him a task that he was actually capable of doing.

Then I told him that my mother thought it would be a good idea for her to come stay the weekend when I get home from the hospital because she didn’t think my husband could “handle everything”. I told her that he was perfectly capable of handling everything and she should come on Monday. She replied by saying she would come Sunday night. J said I should tell her again to come on Monday and I said that would be hard for me, and he says he knows.

We talked about the surgery some more and how I don’t know what to expect and that makes me anxious. I asked him about his experience with general anesthesia and what it is like to wake up afterwards. I keep talking about how the recovery will be easy, and I’ll be fine, but I wonder what it will really be like. I have no idea.

When we got into this conversation I got choked up and teary, but I don’t know why. I didn’t cry, and J didn’t ask, but I guess something was bothering me. I say I’m not afraid, but maybe I am?

I told J that I changed my diet, first I did it to reduce the protein for the benefit of my kidneys, then I decided to go even further because I have been reading a lot about the effects of diet on cancer. It is all theory, nothing has been proven, but I think it can’t hurt. I cut out all animal products, which is actually something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but it is hard and I never had much willpower. I said I don’t know how long this will last, but I hope it does. Now that I have cancer as a reason for this diet no one can criticize me or call me weird anyway. We also talked about how I am fearful of gaining weight after surgery, and how I won’t be able to run or bike for 4 to 6 weeks.

I asked J if we would be talking about this all the time now, and he said he thought it was probably on my mind the most, and he is right. But it does bring in other issues, like my relationships with my husband and mother, so even though the medical stuff is the topic, we really are discussing the other issues.

I think next week I would like to talk about how I can’t really show my true emotions (if they are negative – ie; sadness, fear) in front of my husband and mother – the two closest relationships in my life. They don’t like to see those. I’ll have to put on a happy face and laugh and joke until I get wheeled to the OR, then I can start shaking and crying.

Aug 19 2011

This Is Support

My aunt has a best friend who I have known since I was about twelve. She and my aunt are only 9 years older than me. I’ll call her L. L had breast cancer years ago, went through treatment and was fine. A couple of years ago it came back, in her lungs. She had surgery and treatment, and is doing well now, but she can’t work. Her breathing capacity has been diminished due to the partial removal of her lung, but that hasn’t stopped her from being a breast cancer advocate. She was the director of a hotline, she is involved in many cancer organizations, and when she feels up to it she travels to testify for more money for research.

My aunt told me that I should tell her about my current medical issue, so I did. I probably played it down saying my disease can’t compare to hers and what she went through. This was her response:

Wow Harriet this is really big news and no Aunt H did not tell me. I am so sorry to hear this. This really SUCKS. I actually know someone who has had kidney cancer so I know that there is no treatment. He is by the way doing fine.

Since I have been in the cancer world both personally and privately I am going to take the liberty of saying something to you. Harriet Welch’s cancer is a big deal because no one wishes you to go through this.

As far as laparoscopic surgery goes it is definitely an easy surgery because there is no incision but it is still surgery. No matter how great you may feel afterwards you will need to take it easy. Just because you don’t have a scar doesn’t mean your kishkas (Yiddish word for your insides) are ok they need to heal so no 5K’s a week later.

If you have any concerns, thoughts, whatever I am here to listen so feel free to reach out. Talking to your kids, mother, annoying people who give unsolicited cancer advise thinking they are being uplifting and helpful whatever.

Keep in touch I will be thinking of you. L

Aug 18 2011

Good News

I got some good news today. Last week I talked about my visit with the nephrologist and that she thought I might have kidney disease. I had a specific test for kidney function this week, and the results came out normal, so no kidney disease! Of course, I still have kidney cancer, but not having kidney disease as well takes away a huge amount of anxiety that I had.

And I had my MRI today, which the insurance company finally decided to pay for. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results.

It’s a relief when things work out!

Oh, and J sent me a response to my response to his response to my email (get that?). I had told him that I could add him to the list of important people that my husband should call if I die and he said,

“I’m sorry this has been a distraction. If you feel comfortable with it, then yes I would appreciate being on your call list – but, remember, you are going to be fine.”

I have no idea what he is talking about in regards to a distraction, but I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.

Today I had coffee with my good friend, and we talked a lot about my medical stuff – she is very understanding and empathetic. She lives down the street from me, and she will do anything for me (as I would for her if the situation was reversed). It’s nice to have friends.

Aug 17 2011

Friends Who Care

Yesterday evening two friends of mine, husband and wife, stopped by my house. They were out for a run and wanted to visit. It was very nice and after they left I thought to myself, “Why the hell do I care if my therapist cares about me, when I have real people in real life who care about me?” My friend said that she is going to organize the neighborhood so that my family always has food after the surgery. Of course, I played the whole thing down saying, “Well, I’ll probably be all better after three days or so, and my mom is coming for a couple of days.” She said, that’s ok, she is doing it anyway.

I emailed J, asking him if he was kidding about looking online to see if I had died. He replied this morning and said that in his recollection of events, I had asked him how he would know if I died, and unless someone told him he would check online, and he claims that he said he would do that if I missed one week, not several or many. He said we also talked about it later and were making light of the situation and he joked that after 6 weeks he would have to check it out (I don’t remember that at all!). He apologized for not fully conveying that it was a joke (that’s ok, I don’t even remember it).

Then he said that if I happened to miss a session unexpectedly “I think I’d just call you first.”

He said he hopes that this is all a moot point and that I will recover fully.

But as Laura commented on my last post, this isn’t about how J will find out I am dead. But I can’t talk to J about what it is really about, so I will just move on.

I crafted a response:

I’m sorry, I guess I have a lot on my mind and am being even more sensitive than usual. I remember the conversation a little differently, but that doesn’t mean I remember it correctly. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just call me if I didn’t show up for a while. But you’re right, it doesn’t matter, it’s not really about this anyway. That’s why I don’t like therapy sometimes.

How about if I add you to the list of people my husband should call if something happens to me, then you won’t have to check online.

I was thinking about another thing. One of the major freak out things about developing this medical condition is that my father became ill with kidney failure when he was 53. He went into the hospital for tests and never went back to work. I am 51. I have kidney problems.

BUT, and it is a big but, I do not have ANY of the medical conditions that my father had during his lifetime (the main one being uncontrolled high blood pressure). Yes, I might have kidney disease in addition to kidney cancer, and I left my pee and blood at the lab this morning so I will hopefully have an answer by the end of the week.

I am much healthier than my dad was at my age. I am very healthy in general, I eat right, exercise, have a BMI of 21, etc.

But I frequently think about what happened to my father and I get anxious. I know in my head it is a totally different situation, so I don’t know what I am anxious about. I mentioned this the last few times I saw J, but he doesn’t respond. I don’t know what that means, I will have to ask him. I don’t know if this is something I should explore in more depth, if it something even explorable (what’s to explore exactly?), but why do I keep thinking about it?

And every time I have a test I am reminded that these are the same tests my father had. So it’s not like I can even try to forget about it. I just don’t know why I think about it so much.

Aug 16 2011

Therapy Recap 8/16/11

I had a horrible night’s sleep last night, and a rushing around kind of morning, and I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in therapy today. Maybe my conversation with my mother, or the email my sister sent me (we currently do not have any communication) that said my mother told her that I am having a “procedure” and that she hopes it goes well.

But J asked me if there is anything new with the medical stuff. When you have cancer that is what you are expected to talk about, and really, there isn’t anything else. I wish there was.

I gave him the update on meeting with the kidney doctor and still not being able to have my MRI since the insurance company STILL has not approved it (rescheduled now for Thursday). We talked about how I get frustrated sometimes (insurance issues) and confused other times (trying to decide best course of treatment), and that I still don’t have all of the information, so it is hard to make a decision right now.

We also talked about my fear of illness, and how I am not afraid of dying (he had asked me if I am scared). I talked about what exactly I am afraid of when it comes to being sick and he asked me if, now that I have talked about it, I feel better. I said that, no, I don’t feel any better. He asked if I feel worse, and I said that no, I don’t feel any worse.

I told him about my conversation with my mother, and my sister’s email. And how people say if I have a positive attitude I will be cured, which makes me feel like I can’t ever say anything negative. I am positive about this medical situation maybe 90% of the time, but sometimes I get anxious, or frustrated, or confused and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. My husband tells me “Don’t be frustrated, don’t get upset.” Not helpful.

J told me that I should find a friend who gets it and talk to her, and I actually do have one friend (in real life) who I talk to and I don’t have to be totally positive all the time with her.

J asked me how I get over my anxiety when it hits, and I can honestly say I don’t know. Last week I had a couple of drinks, but I don’t think getting anxious and having it go away are a conscious process.

We talked about whether I want attention from people, or I don’t. I said that I’m conflicted, on the one hand I am minimizing the surgery and recovery, and on the other hand I am offended when people don’t take it seriously.

I asked J how he would know if I had died, if I die. He said that if he didn’t hear from me or if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks he would look online. I asked him if my obituary would be online and he said there is a website, legacy.com, that has the whole country’s obituaries. He said he would check after a couple of weeks because he would rather know sooner than later (I guess so he could fill my spot). He didn’t say he would call or email me to check, he would just look online if I didn’t show up for a while. Hmmm. That didn’t make me feel good at all.

And next week I am missing my appointment because I am meeting with the surgeon. But J didn’t suggest rescheduling, he only offers to reschedule if he needs to cancel. Whatever, I don’t feel particularly better after my session today anyway. I don’t understand the purpose of talking about all of this stuff. Like I told him, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Maybe it’s just a waste of money.

Aug 11 2011

Not Having Control

My mom did call me last night, and we talked for a whole hour. We didn’t spend the entire time talking about me and my illness, but a good portion of it, and she was actually very good. She didn’t criticize any of my decisions, and she said she briefly looked at my surgeon’s website, but didn’t have time to really get into it yet. She said that she would come stay with me at my house after my husband goes back to work (I will be getting home from the hospital on a Saturday, so she will come on Monday) and stay for a couple of days. She offered to cook and clean and take care of the dog. I think that will be good.

She had surgery back in March and I brought her here to my house for a week. So she said she wants to take care of me the way I took care of her, even though I didn’t really do much for her. But I certainly am not going to turn down an offer of cooking and cleaning! My dog likes her a lot, when she was here after her surgery my dog stuck by her side like glue. She is a good dog.

Today was a not so great day. First of all I got a call from the radiology place saying my insurance has not approved the MRI, so I rescheduled it for next week. I still have some time to get it done, but if it gets down to the wire I will pay out of pocket. They are waiting for the surgeon to call them to discuss the MRI. He is a surgeon – he is in surgery most of the time. What surgeon has time to call insurance companies all day? It’s ridiculous!

Then I met with the nephrologist (kidney doc), and although she was nice, I just don’t have confidence in her. I didn’t like her office, her staff was discombobulated, she was distracted, she left in the middle of checking me to take a call from her kid, etc. She said it is possible that I have kidney disease, and she ordered a test which I will do next week. The problem with having kidney disease is that if I have a kidney removed, the other one might not be able to do its job very well. So if I do have kidney disease the surgeon will have to work extra hard to save part of the kidney with the tumor in it. The kidney doc said that when I have the surgery they can take a piece of the kidney and send it to pathology to see if it shows kidney disease, but by then it’s a little late.

I spent the afternoon looking for nephrologists online – ones at major university hospitals in the area. I will also call my surgeon tomorrow and see if he has a recommendation. The problem with seeing these doctors is that there is usually a long wait. Even for this local nephrologist I had to wait 4 weeks for an appointment. I don’t have the luxury of time right now.

So although kidney disease is something I thought I could live with, and kidney cancer is something I can deal with, having both is freaking me out a little. That is why I want a definite diagnosis of whether or not I have kidney disease.

I think it is the lack of control that is scaring me. I like to be in control, and I like to control my environment as best as I can. This is my body out of my control, and I am dealing with doctors and insurance companies that I can’t control. Not only can I not control them, but I feel like they are controlling me. I don’t like this.

Twice this week I had a drink when I got home from work. I don’t want to start using bad coping mechanisms again, because it is too easy for me to slip back into these habits. I need will power, or something. I don’t know what. But alcohol and klonopin are not the answer.

Aug 10 2011

Got That Over With!

Last night I had a dream about telling my mother about my surgery. Not a good night’s sleep at all!

This morning I tried calling her at home again, but she wasn’t there. I figured she was somewhere with her boyfriend, they have been traveling around all summer, so I called her on her cell phone and she answered. I asked her where she was and she said she was in the hospital.

I got frightened – I said why are you in the hospital? It turns out she wasn’t IN the hospital, she was AT the hospital. With her boyfriend, who had gone in for a procedure. It turns out that he has bladder cancer, but it has been in remission. He goes to get checked every three months and today during his routine check the doctors found malignant tumors in his bladder. She was upset and waiting to see him after he got out of the recovery room. She said he had chemo once before and it was awful and he is going to be very upset about this. She just went on and on about it.

Then she said she had to go pick up and watch my sister’s daughter this afternoon, blah blah blah. Then she talked about someone who is supposed to come to her condo tomorrow to paint the bathroom, and maybe she should cancel him because her boyfriend has to stay in the hospital overnight and she might need to take him home because she has his car, blah blah blah.

Then she started talking about her trip to the beach last week, and how she went to a new beach, the one I normally go to, and how she liked it so much better than the usual beach she goes to and how they wrote down the names of a bunch of hotels, blah blah blah.

This went on for about 15 minutes or so, and I didn’t say much, since she didn’t pause much. She just talked and talked. Then she said, “So what is new with you?”

I wasn’t sure this was a great time to tell her, but I figured there wouldn’t be any time great to tell her, so I just told her. She asked me a couple of questions, then said, “Oh my god I have a stomach ache from all of this.” She asked me about my surgeon, and who was he, and did I check him out and research him, and where did he do his residency? I told her that we met him, and he has a lot of experience, and I don’t know where he did his residency. She asked me where I am having the surgery, and I told her “XYZ Hospital” (my local hospital, not a large university or cancer center hospital). Her response? “Oh,” (you’ll have to imagine the tone of voice), “why are you having it there?” I told her that is where the surgeon works. She said that maybe I should go to ABC Hospital – the huge hospital one hour away from where I live – and also the place where her second husband died. I told her that if I hadn’t liked the surgeon I would have gone for a second opinion, but we like him. She asked me to email her his name, and his website, which I did later in the day. She asked for the date of the surgery and said, “Well I am going to be there, no question about that.”

She mentioned a couple of people she knows who had kidney cancer and had surgery and are now doing fine.

Then she got back to talking about her boyfriend. How he is going to be so upset that he needs chemo, and how she was doing research on the internet looking for alternate ways of treating this, blah blah blah. And how he better call his children so that they can come, blah blah blah.

Then she said she had to go, and she would call me tonight. I said ok, and good bye. And that was that. I’m glad I told her, and if she starts bothering me with advice I just won’t answer the phone when she calls. So far it’s tonight and she hasn’t called. And by the way, my surgeon did his residency at Boston University. I wonder if she’ll think that is acceptable. I hope her stomach feels better.

Aug 9 2011

Therapy Recap 8/9/11

So of course we talked about medical stuff today. I asked J if that is what we are going to be talking about from now on, and that I don’t even remember what we talked about before all of this happened. He said that is good, but I don’t know why.

I told him about my visit with the surgeon, and how the surgery will work. We talked about how my husband wanted my surgery to be after the two weddings we got invited to, but I wanted to have it before because I want to get it over with. The surgery actually got scheduled for the week in between the two weddings, and my husband asked me to call the doctor’s office to try to change it until after the second wedding, which I did, but September 9th was the only day the hospital had available. My surgeon said he does surgeries on Thursdays, but he is doing mine on a Friday to fit me in.

J asked me about how I am feeling about the attention I am getting, and considering that I often view myself negatively and without worth, am I now realizing that people value me. I told him that people do seem to be emailing me and calling, but of course that is what people do when they hear someone is sick. I told him that word is getting around and people who I didn’t even tell about this are calling me, and he said they don’t need to do that – they are calling me because they care about me.

I’m actually still not sure how I feel about the attention; I have to think about that some more.

I told him that people have said they think my positive attitude is great, that I have “courage” and I am an “inspiration”. I said that was ridiculous, and it is just perfect Harriet again – always competent. It is so much pressure now, people think I am an inspiration, so what if I have break down and have an anxiety attack?

I talked about how I don’t have to do any work, I just go to the hospital and the doctor takes out my kidney. I don’t even deserve to say I have cancer, because compared to people going through chemo and radiation this is nothing. He said that people having chemo and radiation don’t do anything either, someone just puts a needle in them or pulls over a radiation machine. That I can’t compare myself. I tried to object and he said that he doesn’t think I understand what he is saying and I interrupted and said that he doesn’t understand what I am saying. That people are suffering with “real” cancer, and I am lucky. This will be one month out of my life and I’m done. I don’t have to “fight the battle” of cancer. I’m not sure if he got that.

I also said that people say I am either in shock or denial because I’m not freaking out. I really can’t win, if I seem fine I’m either in shock or denial, if I am freaking out people will think I’m too emotional. I asked J if he thinks I am in denial, and he said he thinks I am being realistic, with the exception of my recovery period. The surgeon said I could go back to work in 3 to 4 weeks, and I told J that he must be exaggerating, I’m sure it won’t be longer than 2 weeks. J said that he thinks I may be minimizing how I will feel after the surgery, but he doesn’t know for sure because he has never had this surgery and doesn’t know anyone who does. We talked about being realistic vs being optimistic and pessimistic and he said we don’t really know what the recovery will be like.

J said that people are reacting this way because they want to do something. If I am showing anxiety they can try to make me feel better, but if I am not showing anxiety there is nothing they can do.

Then we talked about how I don’t want to be one of those people who is handed a death sentence and it changes their whole life. That all of their problems go away and they are happy for each moment in the day. It is so stereotypical and cliché. He asked what was wrong with being one of those people and I said it is just very cookie cutter. He asked if I was one of those people if it would take my specialness away. I’m not sure that is it, I don’t know about this one either. I did tell him that I now consider myself a very lucky person, and I never thought that about myself before, even though I had a great life. He said that is somewhat of an epiphany, and I agreed, but I said that the sky isn’t bluer and apples don’t taste sweeter since my diagnosis.

I asked J if he has ever had a client die of an illness, and he said when he was in grad school they had a clinic and he saw a woman with end stage breast cancer, but only twice and then she didn’t come back. He assumed she died. He told me that I would not be the first client of his to die while I was still seeing him, and I said I know that because if I knew I had something fatal, I would quit therapy. I asked what is the point of therapy if I am going to die soon? J said the breast cancer woman came to therapy to get help with dealing with her children’s reaction to her illness and impending death, and I said that makes sense, but for me I don’t see the point of continuing if I am dying. He asked me why and I said that the whole point of therapy is to change my problems and my ways of thinking, and why do that if death is imminent? He said that if one were to continue to have therapy with a fatal illness, the objectives would change. For example is one were in therapy to quit smoking, then discovered that they had 3 months to live, the smoking would not be quite so important.

J asked why I asked him if he had a client die, what was I thinking about? I didn’t tell the truth here. I just said that I was curious, and that if I knew I was going to die I would quit. What I really wanted to know is if he would be sad if I died. But I couldn’t say that.

Let’s see, what else? I told him that I hadn’t told my mother yet, but I was going to have to soon because word was getting around. People in my husband’s family are hearing the news, and so far the only person in my family who knows is my aunt. He asked if I have told my cousin and I told him that no, I haven’t, and I also am feeling guilty because I haven’t called her in about two weeks. He asked why I would feel guilty about that, and I said that she is having a really hard time and I went from talking to her a lot, to not at all, and I feel badly because I think I am being selfish, with all of this distractibility I have from the medical stuff. J said something like, “So you don’t think having a bunch of medical tests and running from doctor to doctor and finding out you have a malignant tumor is a good reason to not call someone who you supported for about 4 weeks while they were suicidal?” I said, “Well if you put it like that, it sounds pretty reasonable.” He said he would like me to get to the point where I can put it like that and not have it pointed out to me. J said that it might be good to tell my cousin, if she is feeling ok right now, because she will be able to offer me the same kind of emotional support that I offered her. I said that I didn’t help her because I would one day expect the same from her, and he said he knows that, but it would be an opportunity to show her and me that we can get through things together. But I said that if I tell her, and she tells her mother (my other aunt) and I don’t hear from them or get support from them I would be disappointed. He said if I do tell them I should do so without having any expectations, but that is very hard for me.

We got back to if this is what we will be talking about from now on, and having a medical problem doesn’t make my other problems go away. He said he thinks it is good that I have kind of put my other problems in a box and even put some of the boxes under the bed. I’m not so sure that is good, stuffing problems away doesn’t seem healthy, but maybe it is only possible to deal with one issue at a time.

I told J that I have silly anxieties. I think most people would be worried about the cancer part of this, or dying in surgery or something, whereas I am worried that I will gain weight after the surgery, or I’ll lose all of my fitness during my recovery and I won’t get back to where I am now. He somehow tricked me here, and asked me if I think where I am now, as far as weight and fitness, are good enough, since I would like to get back here after surgery. I had to say yes, and he was glad that I thought so, and that was progress, I’ve moved from obsessing about losing two or three more pounds to feeling that where I am now is good enough.

And he said what I am worried about is what I am worried about, there isn’t anything I “should” be worried about. He thinks I am handling all of this very well, that I am being an informed patient, I am doing research, and I found an email group for kidney cancer, etc. I mentioned that doing all of this research last week made me feel overwhelmed for a while. I got anxious, and sometimes I get twinges of anxiety. J said that is perfectly normal, and I am doing very well with it. I told him that I think it is pretty good that I get up out of bed each morning, and I still exercise and eat right, and I could be hiding in bed eating cookies and ice cream. He said that is probably what people see as “courage”, that courage doesn’t mean having no fear, it means going on despite the fear. And I have to admit, I am “going on”. I don’t feel terror, I just have twinges of anxiety, and I’m not using bad coping mechanisms. So I think things are pretty good.

I did call my mother this evening, but she wasn’t home. I left her a message to call me. Ugh.

Aug 3 2011

Stop The World Please

Feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I went to work, but didn’t do any work. I spent the day reading kidney cancer forums and mailing lists. I sent an introductory post to a kidney cancer email list and I got so many replies. People “out there” are so helpful, and encouraging and supportive. It’s great to hear from people who have been through this same process, but it is also overwhelming. There are some decisions I have to make, as in do I want to get a second opinion, find other surgeons in major hospitals, etc. I’m not going to make any of these decisions until after I meet with the first surgeon on Friday, but the issues are still there. There is a lot to learn in order to advocate for myself and make sure I get the best care for me. Every case of cancer is different, so there is no cookie cutter plan here. I’m hoping my husband will continue to be supportive and helpful. Yesterday I asked him how I go about making an Advance Health Care Directive, and he researched our state’s website and found me the appropriate documents to fill out, without even questioning why I want to do this. I wish the world would slow down for a few minutes so that I can take a break and a breath and wrap my head around all of this!

To make myself feel better I went to Target to buy comfy loose casual clothes to wear in the hospital and at home during my recovery. In case people come to visit me I don’t want to be wearing my bunny pj’s (I actually don’t have bunny pj’s, but I want to look at least respectable, while still being comfortable.) Everything was really cheap, in case I get so sick of wearing all of this stuff and I want to throw it all away when I get better!

I was actually surprised at the quality of Target’s yoga pants, and they come in long lengths which I need because my legs are about five feet long. If you need yoga pants, check out Target!