Monthly Archives: September 2011

Sep 27 2011

Therapy Recap 9/27/11

You guys I am so tired. I started back to work yesterday, and it’s true what they say, it’s one thing to feel good at home, an entirely different thing to feel good at work. I hope this recap even makes sense.

When I got to my session J asked how I was feeling and did I go back to work. I told him that I went back to work yesterday and it was a long day and I was really tired. He asked me how long I worked for and I said, “Let’s see, I got there at 10am and got home at 7pm.” He said, “Oh, only 9 hours?” And then I did two loads of laundry, made dinner and cleaned the kitchen. I was in bed by 9:30. We talked about how I had told my boss last week that when I come back to work I really only wanted to do about 2 hours at a time, but when I showed up yesterday she handed me a stack of work three feet tall and asked me how long I could stay. I guess she forgot about the 2 hour thing, and I didn’t say anything to remind her. My other boss is much more concerned with my well being, he keeps saying “Only do this if you feel up to it” and “This isn’t something you need to do today”. So J and I spent time talking about how I can’t tell my boss that I can’t work, how I am fearful of looking incompetent and letting her down, how much more empathetic boss #2 is than boss #1, especially since it is boss #1’s busy time of year and she always gets a little freaked out at this time.

Then I said I didn’t want to talk about work anymore and J asked if I want to talk about the dream (he brought it up first!). I asked if before we talk about the dream, we could talk about last week. I told him that more than once last week he said he was happy to see me, and glad I came, and that it seemed genuine, and I doubt he would say that if he was just happy to see me for the money, and I don’t really understand why he would be happy to see me. He asked why I think he wouldn’t be happy to see me, and I said because I am a difficult client, I am a terrible communicator, I don’t talk about the things he thinks are important to talk about, and I don’t respond in the moment and then I send annoying emails. And he knows all of my “bad stuff”. He told me that he does not think I am difficult, and our communication has been much better. He said we have a professional relationship, but it’s somewhat like a friendship because we’ve been doing this once a week for 3 years, and people develop a fondness for each other, like a neighbor who lived next door to you for 10 years and then moves away. I said that a neighbor doesn’t tell you all of their bad stuff. He said that my “stuff” isn’t bad, and I said ok “dysfunctional” and he said it’s not dysfunctional and I said ok “using maladaptive coping mechanisms” and he said not that either. That would be if someone was drinking at work, or not being able to function in their day to day lives.

J said that my status in the office is higher than I think it is, and the fact that I told him twice that I don’t expect him to hold my time slot while I am out shows that I don’t feel very important. He said he would hold my time slot for months for me, he has seen other people long term, but usually their time slots would change every now and then, but this has been my time slot since September 2008.

I said that in real life people like him never talk to people like me, and he said he would disagree with that. I said that I am speaking from experience, but this isn’t real life, so we really don’t know.

He asked me if I thought things have been going better with us and I said that they have gotten better. I said I thought it was from the wellbutrin, it must be working this time, and I stopped writing so much in my blog, and I stopped talking about the philosophical, existential, amorphous stuff that he doesn’t like and started talking more about my day to day life. He asked if I made that change to appease him, and I said that I did, but it has been helpful. But I don’t have anyone to talk to about the philosophical, existential, amorphous stuff, but it’s ok, I can write about it on my blog. He asked me what would be the purpose of talking about that stuff, why do I need to talk about it? I said that since my kids grew up I have felt like I have no purpose in life, everything revolved around raising children, and now I just get up every day and go through the day and do the same thing the next day, I don’t see any purpose and I don’t have any passion. J asked me if the cancer episode has changed my thinking about having a purpose, since I had to do a lot of research and follow up. I told him that it didn’t feel like a purpose, it seemed more like a distraction. He said something about my will to live, but I don’t remember that exactly. He asked me if I am looking forward to anything, and I said that I am looking forward to October 7th because I will be able to run again. This totally changed the conversation to one about how I will feel when I start running again, and will I be disappointed in myself if I can’t run well, etc. It was a good conversation, but it was amazing how quickly he changed the conversation to something more concrete than my purpose in life.

Then we talked about the dream. He had printed it out so he could read it while we talked. He had already told me that the part about leaving my children alone in the hotel could be related to my fear of dying in surgery. He also said the hotel could represent the hospital. I asked how the children part relates to the therapy part of the dream. He didn’t really connect those two parts like you guys did in the comments. He said that a lot of it could be that I don’t feel good enough. I told him that in the dream when I was trying to text him and couldn’t find his number I thought he would be mad because I didn’t let him know I wasn’t coming. J said maybe it had something to do with me being late last week (I was 2 minutes late, but he said I was 5 minutes late). We spent some time discussing my fear of making him mad. He wondered if his expression of being happy to see me last week could be in the dream, and I didn’t know. He didn’t really say anything about how his office suddenly moved to the town my mother lives in, except that we have been talking about my mother lately in relation to the surgery and her coming to stay with me. He also didn’t have much to say about the house in my dream – I told him it was just one room with a desk in the middle of the room piled high with papers. He said it sounds like a TV house. I said it seemed like that, because in the dream I didn’t walk into the house, I just was in it. J said that dream interpretation just raises questions, it doesn’t answer anything and there can be many interpretations. He definitely didn’t get into it as much as the people reading my blog and commenting. But that is to be expected, he is very literal and surface. I didn’t tell him about the other interpretations that you all offered me, but maybe I will next time.

J told me that this morning his wife told him that she had crazy dreams last night and he remembered that last night he dreamt that he was the wide receiver for a college football team and he was wearing #3. He said it was probably because he was watching some game last night and a player had the #3, and he was talking with a client about college football. He talked about that for awhile.

There was some conversation about a lawn with weeds. Oh, this was back before the dream conversation. J was saying that he has seen a big change in me, but probably no one else has, and I said that no one mentioned anything. He said I am like a lawn, from far away it looks nice and green and healthy, but if you go up close there are weeds here and there. Not totally overgrown with weeds to the point that the neighbors complain. Interesting analogy.

I can’t think of anything else right now, my brain is mush. I got a good feeling from the session, I believe him when he says he cares about me and is fond of me and is glad I am doing well after my surgery. I do wish I could talk about the more amorphous things with J, and maybe I’ll get him to do that at some point. There has got to be some depth to him somewhere, right?

Sep 25 2011

There’s A Last Time For Everything

Today my husband, son and I went to brunch with my mother and her boyfriend. My sister and my niece were also there. At the time that my mother told me that she wanted to do this brunch for her 75th birthday, and my sister’s birthday which is Tuesday, I asked if my sister’s whole family would be there. Her husband and son rarely if ever show up for family gatherings, and I always make my husband and son come with me. She assured me that they would be there.

On our way to the restaurant I told my husband that if my sister’s husband and son weren’t there I would be very angry. We arrive at the restaurant and her husband and son weren’t there. The waiter came over and I said we were waiting for two more people, and my sister said they weren’t coming. I asked why not and she said, “H (her husband) had plans and C (her son) was sleeping.” This is my mother’s 75th birthday celebration and right in front of her my sister says that basically her husband and son can’t make the effort to be with her. My son was sleeping too, and I woke him up to come with us. After she said that I said, “Oh, well we had plans too, but we are here.”

In case anyone doesn’t know, or forgot, my sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, and a year ago at this time I stopped speaking to her. This has been great for me, but I am sure it is troubling for my mother who wants us to be one big happy family. We are a small family, just my mother, sister, and me, and since my mother doesn’t speak to my aunts, it is really just the three of us.

Today my sister did not ask me how my surgery went, how I am doing, how I feel, etc. She sent me an email about a month before my surgery saying she heard that I am having a “procedure” and she hopes it goes well. That was the last I heard from her. She didn’t call me, or send an email or card while I was in the hospital, or afterwards. And today she didn’t mention it at all. I guess that is to be expected, after all, I am the one who broke off communication with her.

A friend asked me if I want to have a relationship with my sister, and I said that I do not, but I do want to have a sister that I can have a relationship with. That is obviously not possible unfortunately.

When we were leaving and saying goodbye to my mother she said that she loved me. She tells me this about once a year, I remember once last year when she told me. She had a mimosa with breakfast, so maybe she was a little tipsy.

This was officially the last time I am attending one of these “family” events. I will celebrate family occasions with my mother and my immediate family, but not with my sister or her always absent spouse.

Update: my sister unfriended me on facebook.

Sep 23 2011

A Dream

I had a dream last night, I don’t know what it means, or if it means anything. I typed it up before I even got out of bed, and now I think I will have a dream hangover all day. I think I’ll email it to J and let him read it and next week he can tell me if it means anything. I feel badly about leaving my babies in a hallway in a hotel without anyone watching them.

I was in NJ. My daughter was a baby and my son was 2. We were in a hotel, I was feeding my daughter baby food and giving her a bottle. It was a monday, and I knew I had to leave early the next day to make it to therapy by 11. I left them in the hotel and my cousin (not the suicidal one) said she would drive them back home, but she wasn’t there, I left them alone, they were playing in a hallway.

I was driving and I ended up in City ABC (where my mother lives) which is where therapy was, not City XYZ. I didn’t know the streets or how to get around. I was on a road and there was a big long bridge ahead and I knew if I went over the bridge I would never get to therapy, but at the last minute there was an exit I could take. I was still lost though. I wanted to text J to tell him I’d be late, but his phone number wasn’t showing up on my phone. Lots of other people whose names began with the letter J were in the phone. I saw the clock moving from 1105 to 1110 to 1115 to 1120. Finally I went home to look for J’s phone number, but it wasn’t the house I’m living in now, I’ve never seen this house but in the dream it was my house. There was a desk and I was tossing papers around trying to find something with J’s phone number on it but there was nothing. Then my cousin called from NJ and said her car was broken and wouldn’t start. I knew I had to go back to NJ to pick up my children. Then I woke up.

Sep 20 2011

Therapy Recap 9/20/11

I haven’t seen J in two weeks, due to the surgery. I was feeling so much better today when I woke up, much less pain and discomfort and no nausea for the first time in 11 days. What a relief. But of course I was anxious about going to therapy.

It was hard to get comfortable on J’s couch, I moved around a lot, took off my shoes and kind of stretched out. I can’t stay in one position for very long though.

I don’t know what he was expecting but when I walked in he said in a surprised voice, “You look the same!” Well, I don’t know if that is good, but at least I don’t look worse. I did put on make up and blow dried my hair, but due to my incisions I am still in yoga pants. I wore a nice blue sweater though. He seemed happy to see me, and I stopped being anxious.

Of course we talked about the surgery, the hospital, and the recovery. I touched on a few things of interest – family stuff, problems with my iv, my change in diet, how friends are helping, etc. It wasn’t really a therapeutic session, just talking and catching up.

As I was leaving I said that I wished I could have come with no make up, hair in a ponytail and sweatpants. He said I certainly could show up that way, lots of people do. I told him that I can’t, that he sets the bar too high. He made a joke about how he didn’t wear make up today.

At the end of the session J said that I was a couple of minutes late, which I never am (true, I was 2 minutes late and I am always EXACTLY on time) and he thought maybe I didn’t feel well and couldn’t come. He said that he was so happy I came and that he was so glad to see me, and I look the same. He sounded really genuine, like he doesn’t care that I showed up just so that he could make $120, it sounded like he was really glad that I was able to come.

Maybe that is the therapeutic part.

Sep 19 2011

10 Days Later

It’s been 10 days since the surgery. I have no recollection of writing the last blog post, I must have done it on my phone. The weekend is a bit of a blur.

I did end up getting a blood transfusion, which was awful because of the problems with my iv. The nurse tried to start a new iv, but infiltrated the vein, which is the second time that happened since I checked in to the hospital. Are IV’s really hard to start, or is something wrong with my veins? So we ended up using the iv in my hand which was extremely painful. The nurse had to make the drip very very slow, which meant the transfusion took 3 hours. Then they took the catheter and drain out, and I went home Sunday night.

I didn’t feel very well last week, but am feeling a lot better now. I guess I look and sound completely normal and not sick because it seems that people are expecting my recovery to be over by now. I spent the weekend doing laundry, doing dishes, etc, while husband and son watched college and pro football.

My mom was here from Monday to Thursday. Was she helpful? That is debatable. My husband said the only reason she came was so that she could tell her friends that she is taking care of her cancer stricken daughter. I did send her to the store one day, and she took me to get my hair done. She slept until 9:30am every day, talked on the phone a lot, and watched Lifetime Movies all day. We did take walks, and she made me a meal or two. I’m sure she was happy that she was able to “help”.

Friends came to visit last week and called a lot. My husband’s mother, sister and sister-in-law call a lot and say they want to see me, but here I am, and where are they? I’m not going anywhere. They keep telling me if I need anything I should call them. Frankly they are the last people I would call if I need something.

A good friend called tonight to check on me, and she also said I should call her if I need anything and I said I would. She said, “No you won’t.” I told her I would just call her to say hi and talk.

This morning I went for a walk with a friend and I was telling her that I have no appetite and nothing appeals to me. When we got done with the walk she asked me if I would like strawberry crepes, and then she went home and made strawberry crepes and brought them over, along with brownies and cookies.

My aunt had told me she would come down to stay with me for a few days, but she never mentioned it after the surgery. I asked her if she was still planning on coming, I’m not sure if that was right of me, I didn’t mean to put her on the spot. She said that she is driving to Florida this weekend and maybe she could stop by. But she’ll come visit for a weekend after the holidays.

People are funny you know? They say a lot of things that they don’t mean. And they love to feel like are doing something for me, when all I really need is someone to sit with, to talk to, to laugh a little, just for short periods of time.

Two people in the last two days asked me how I am doing emotionally. I don’t know what that means. I do know that Friday I started to get very emotional – crying, etc. I cried when my neighbor came to visit with some magazines, and I cried today when my friend offered to make me crepes. I have nothing to be sad about – I saw the doctor on Friday and got the news that all of the cancer is out, and it was Stage 1, and I just have to have more scans in 3 months. Great news! But I am crying easily. So how am I doing emotionally? I don’t know.

Sep 10 2011

Update

Surgery was yesterday and the surgeon was able to remove the tumor and leave most of the kidney – great news!  apparently the operation took about 4 hours.  I didn’t see the doctor after the surgery, but he called me on the phone today to see how I am doing.  His partner and PA were making rounds today.

I’m having lots of memory and cognitive lapses, due to the general anesthesia I suppose, I keep asking the same questions.

There were a few incidences of family drama, which I will write about when I get home.  I’m still in the hospital because my hemoglobin was low and my drain isn’t tapering off.  Docs thought I might need a blood transfusion, but a subsequent test showed that it isn’t getting worse.  Not sure what they plan to do about the drain.

Every medical person here is SO nice, beyond nice.  I had to keep apologizing to one of my nurses because I started to cry when she was shooting pain meds into my iv.  It hurt so badly.  She said I don’t need to apologize.  During my melt down my husband reached for my hand and held it until I felt better.

At times I ask myself why this is happening.  There is no answer, so why ask?

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Sep 7 2011

Reiki Recap 9/6/11

One thing I forgot to write about in my recap yesterday. At one point in the session J asked me “How was your race?” I had totally forgotten that I had even told him I was running in a race last Saturday, and I was surprised that he remembered. It wasn’t something we talked about in depth at all, from what I remember anyway. Whenever he does something like that I feel badly for ever saying anything negative about him. Darn him.

After my therapy session I went for Reiki. I didn’t really know what to expect. The studio also has yoga therapy, acupuncture, hypnosis, massage, counseling, and other services. The Reiki practitioner is a young, pretty woman with a soft voice. She told me that she is a graduate student in psychology and is incorporating mindfulness techniques and visual imagery into her practice.

I laid on the table and she had soft music playing out of her laptop. I closed my eyes. She told me to concentrate on my breathing, and if my mind wandered to stressful things I should think about a relaxing place. I pictured myself on the beach in St. Thomas, feeling the sun, listening to the little waves and the birds, smelling the French fries from the restaurant on the beach behind me, and sipping a cocktail.

I know that some Reiki practitioners use touch and some don’t, this one did. She put her hands lightly on my head and stayed that way for what seemed like five minutes, then moved her hands to a different place on my head, then my shoulders, etc. Each time she held her hands on me without moving – shoulders, arms, legs, ribcage. I sensed that in between each placement of her hands that she was moving her hands above my body. I started to feel a sensation in my head, a good sensation but hard to describe. A little later I felt it in my arms. At one point the shapes and colors behind my closed eyes started to change and continued to morph and change for a few minutes, then stopped.

The session was 30 minutes, and I felt very relaxed at the end, but also uplifted. She told me that she has a special program for pre-surgery, which I don’t have time to do, but she also does energy work for healing after surgery which involves Reiki and visualization. I do plan to go back when I feel better after my surgery.

I could see how the practitioner would have to be a good fit for the client during Reiki. I know it sounds new-agey, but there is definitely energy moving back and forth between the two people.

Did I mention that the hospital I am going to encourages the use of ipods before, during and after surgery? I have some relaxation exercises on my ipod that were recorded by my flying therapist’s partner, who has a wonderfully relaxing voice. I also bought some mp3’s – beach sounds, rainstorm sounds, gentle rain sounds, bird sounds, a breathing meditation, a guided imagery meditation, and a body relaxation exercise. Of course, I also have a lot of music, and audio books. Between all of that I think I may be able to shut out all of the anxiety before the surgery, although from what I understand, a lot of hospital staff – nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, etc – will be coming to talk to me. I can listen to my ipod in between conversations. The Reiki practitioner told me to start listening to the relaxation exercises twice a day, that even if I do that for a couple of days it will make a difference. I’m not sure if that is true, but it can’t hurt.

Sep 6 2011

Therapy Recap 9/6/11

J started out by asking me how I am doing. How I am “really” doing, and I said fine. As I always say. I said, “Everyone is saying this surgery is no big deal, so I guess it isn’t. So I’m fine.”

We talked about what I am picturing and thinking about in regards to the surgery, and I said I can only imagine based on what I see on tv and based on other family members experiences in the hospital. J asked if I was imagining good looking doctors. That would be nice of course.

I told him what my psychiatrist said last week, and he said that he sees things differently. He thinks I have handled everything about this medical situation very well, I have been logical and not out of control, and yes, he does think I could be more assertive with certain people, but overall he doesn’t think I am demonstrating “bad” behavior patterns (pdoc didn’t use the word “bad”). I told him that she asked me why I don’t want people coming to see me in the hospital, as though there is something wrong with that, although that could just be my interpretation of her comment. J said that there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about not wanting people to come to the hospital, after surgery a person doesn’t feel well, they are in a hospital gown with tubes everywhere, messed up hair, no makeup (he said this), and it is perfectly alright to want to be alone, or with just a close family member. He brought up that I had said it would be different if I was going to be there for five days, then I might not mind people coming to see me.

I told him about my husband thinking this weekend is the opportunity to have a party, and why my husband might be thinking like this. That maybe he doesn’t know what to do, so he is stepping up to the plate by ordering food. (Oh, and after we had the conversation about getting food for Saturday night my husband said he might invite a bunch of people over on Sunday to watch the game here.)

J says it would be good for me to be more assertive with my husband, to tell him exactly what I want, and if necessary to play the cancer card. I may have to say, “I am having a malignant tumor removed and I can do what I want – when you have a malignant tumor removed you can do what you want.” I told J it is hard for me, and he said maybe because I am good at putting my thoughts into writing I should send my husband an email. That would open the door to a discussion. He said some great words that I could say to my husband and I said, “Maybe you could just talk to him for me, since you know what to say and it sounds really good when you say it.” He said he couldn’t do that. Darn.

And he said if I make my wants and needs known, and my husband still doesn’t pay attention to what I want, I can always do a passive-aggressive move, like when his whole family is over here because he didn’t tell them not to come I can be sitting with them and say, “I’m going to throw up” and then proceed to do it. He was joking. I think.

I brought up how my husband and mother don’t like to see or hear about negative emotions, and J said that is their problem, not mine. I said I believe it is also mine. He said I can show whatever emotion I want to and not worry if they can’t handle it, but I told him that if they blow me off my feelings will be hurt. He asked me which is better – to stuff all of my feelings inside, or to let them out and then have to deal with an extra one when I get my feelings hurt. I said “Stuff them all inside.” That wasn’t the right answer apparently. I told him that I plan to be positive and happy with my husband and mother, and when the hospital staff wheels me away I can cry or shake, or whatever I want because the hospital staff is used to that. He compared it to a parent being stoic when their child is taken to the hospital, and then crying after the child is taken away. But I’m not their parent.

I asked if I could tell him a story. I told him about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

He asked me who said it’s not right to show emotion, and I told him that my mother said that. And I know it’s not true, but after living that way for 40 or 50 years, it’s kind of hard to change.

J thought that maybe I could intellectualize my feelings and my husband and mother might be more receptive. Rather than crying and shaking I could say, “I’m feeling very anxious, my stomach is very jittery.” And you know, I might just try something like that – not because I think it is a good idea, but to see what kind of response I get. So I can go back to J and say, “I told you so.”

He asked how I was sleeping and I said pretty well, but having weird dreams. He perked up at that and asked me about the dreams, but I couldn’t remember any of them very well. I told him that they aren’t scary, just bizarre. But that frequently happens to me when I take wellbutrin. I did say that I have been very tired in the afternoons and fall asleep sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Maybe because I changed my diet. He thought maybe it is due to anxiety, even though I am not overtly anxious, it is an underlying anxiety. He said that there is a lot of uncertainty, and all I can base my imagination on is…..and at the same exact time I said “Grey’s Anatomy” and he said, “Quincy”. I said “Quincy?!?!?! He’s the guy who worked on dead people. I hope I don’t end up in the medical examiner’s office.” He apologized, and said that was the first thing that came to him. And they say nothing is an accident, right?

I told J that I made an appointment for a Reiki session today, and he thought that was great. We talked about that for a while. I’ll have to write about my Reiki another time.

So then it got to the end of the session and we were talking about when I would come back. Once again I told him that I don’t expect him to hold my space for me, and he said, again, “OK, but I will.” He said if I was someone who he only saw six times he might fill the spot with other “customers” (that is what he calls his clients). I told him I didn’t know how many sessions I would miss, but definitely next week and probably the week after. Then I should be fine. He said he thought we should have some communication, and he asked if I would mind if he emailed me next week at my time because he would be thinking about me on Tuesday at 11am. Or if I want, I could email him before that. He asked me a couple of times if I would mind if he emailed me and I said it would be fine. So we left it at that, and he said good luck and that was it.

It’s good that nothing too emotional came up since I won’t be back for two or three weeks. I want to talk to him about when I should end therapy, it’s been three years as of this week, and I feel like maybe this is as far as I can go. And when I come back we won’t have the medical stuff to talk about anymore, so will we have anything to talk about? Thinking about ending is scary and sad, I guess I’m getting kind of attached to it. It’s not terrible when I have to miss a week, and I am really anxious the morning of my session, and while I am there. But I guess it is nice having someone to talk to.

Sep 5 2011

Conversation With My Husband

Him: Should I get some food for Saturday night?
Me: What’s Saturday night?
Him: If people are coming over.
Me: You mean to visit me after I get home from the hospital?
Him: Yes.
Me: I don’t think it is our responsibility to entertain them.
Him: Well, if people are here they might want dinner. I can get platters.
Me: It’s not a party.
Him: OK, I can always order pizzas.

Sep 2 2011

Insight vs Change

I met with pdoc yesterday, and of course we talked about the medical issue. But also how other people are responding and how I am responding in return. She says that I am repeating my typical patterns of behavior and I have to agree. Not wanting to be vulnerable, not wanting to be seen as less than totally competent, not wanting attention, minimizing my issues, wanting to please other people rather than myself, feeling not good enough for my mother, not telling my husband what I need, not trusting anyone….etc….. It has all been coming out in these last few weeks while the diagnosis and treatment plan were being put into place. These last weeks have been a microcosm of my life and my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I can see it so clearly, but I don’t feel like I can change it. Insight vs change – I’ve written about this before. It is frustrating.