Monthly Archives: November 2011

Nov 29 2011

Therapy Recap 11/29/11

I started out by asking J if he could recommend someone that my husband, son and I could see together, like a family therapist. My son is taking four online classes at the community college and we believe he is failing all of them. Something needs to change. J asked me how I convinced my husband to go along with this, and it wasn’t hard since nothing he has done has worked. I expressed my concern that I would be the only one talking and he said if the therapist is good that will not be a problem. We’ll see.

Then we talked about Thanksgiving, and I told him it was very good, no complaints, everyone was polite and civil. I told him that I volunteered at the annual Turkey Chase 10K in the morning, usually I run it, but I can’t run that far yet. We talked about how that experience was.

Then I asked him if he wanted to know what I did all weekend, and I told him I read all of my therapy summaries from my blog. I said it was good because I got to see the big picture, and I know he doesn’t like the big picture, but it is helpful to me. He denied not liking the big picture.

So I told him what I thought the three main conflicts that we have had:

1. He believes that people have value for what they do, and I believe that have value for who they are.
2. He likes me to talk about the day to day events vs the larger issues.
3. J likes to talk about concrete, detailed things vs abstract, theoretical ideas.

I told him the story about the experience I had at the beginning of therapy when I didn’t know what to talk about, and he would always tell me that I could talk about anything. But 9 months after I started I happened to tell him about a dinner I went to with some friends, and at the end of the session he said, “That was the first regular session we have had.”

I also told him that I thought he was happy when my cousin od’d and I had my medical issue, not because he wanted us to be sick, but because it gave me some day to day stuff to discuss.

He asked me what I could do about these differences, and I said I could either trust him that talking about day to day things will lead to change in the bigger things, or I could leave.

He didn’t get at all defensive about any of these, and he said that there doesn’t necessarily have to be such a big difference between the way I think and the way he thinks. It’s not so black and white.

He somewhat changed his story about what gives people value – now he says that it isn’t what people do, it is how they do it.

He did say that all of his other clients come in and talk about their week, or their day, or something that happened that week. Ugh – could you imagine listening to that all day? Do you think that is really true?

J asked me how I have changed and I told him that I don’t have self destructive behaviors, I am reconnecting with friends and exposing my vulnerability to them and am somewhat able to talk to my husband. I said that I presume these improvements are a result of therapy, but how would a person know? Of course, there is still the problem of my life.

Then we got into the “purpose of life” discussion, which I have to give him credit for, he kept it pretty abstract. This led to talking about my life, and how I had a purpose for 20 years, and now I don’t. We came up with a list of things we think people might say if asked what their purpose in life is. I said that maybe having a purpose in life is too lofty a goal, and I should just fill my life with things that I enjoy doing. We spent a lot of time talking about my job, which I think is just a job, I don’t have a career and J said it may not be creative or challenging, but my employers value me and rely on me, I have a lot of flexibility and I don’t have to sit in a cubicle all day. He said I should think about my worth to my employers.

I told him that I have been thinking that I need to plan more activities on the weekends, because I don’t usually do anything except household things. When I spent the day with my friend’s husband last week it was really fun. J asked me what I would do and I told him I haven’t thought of many things yet, but the movies is one thing, and I also want to take a drive to a little mountain that is not far from here to hike and have a picnic lunch, take some hikes along the river or maybe take a cooking class. I asked him if he thought it was good idea that I do things on the weekends and he said yes. He told me to spend some time during the week checking the paper and the internet to see what things might be happening on the weekends.

He talked about the AARP brochures that always show an older couple doing fun things – golfing together, walking on the beach holding hands, etc. He said it is purely a marketing technique, but the idea is that now that the kids are grown and gone, or somewhat gone, it is time to do fun things for oneself. I think it would be better if I had someone I could do the stuff with, but I don’t mind doing it alone.

J said he observed that it doesn’t take much for me to feel like something is enjoyable and gives me a connected feeling. For example, going out to lunch with friends, or volunteering at the race. He doesn’t mean that I am a simpleton, but that I get very engaged in things. He said he doesn’t know anybody who has written out summaries of their therapy sessions (maybe no one has ever told him), and that is an example of how engaged I get in the process. So it’s not like I need to discover the cure for cancer in order to have a full life.

At the end he said, “See, we didn’t even have a fight.” Yep, it was a good session. I liked the way that talking about a big picture abstract thing led to a more practical thing, rather than the other way around.

For anyone who doesn’t think they are good enough, not worthy, don’t like themselves and think others don’t like them either, I have a book to recommend. It is by Brene Brown and is called “The Gifts of Imperfection.” It’s good, I have read it before but I don’t think I was ready to really hear what she was saying then. I may be in that place now though. If you would like to see Brene in action watch this. If you go to about the 11 minute mark she talks about her therapy in trying to become more vulnerable.

I’m thinking of printing out one of my therapy summaries and giving it to J so he can see what I write. I told him that I could tell him everything he has said for the last three years. I would print out a good session of course, but I bet if we both wrote a summary of the same session our stories would be totally different. Irvin Yalom wrote a book like that, both he and his clients wrote about their sessions.

Nov 26 2011

What I Did On My Thanksgiving Holiday

The comments on my last blog post prompted me to do something crazy – I read every therapy recap on my blog beginning in December 2008. This was an enlightening exercise.

J and I have had our ups and downs. He is not as perfect as I thought he was. He gives mixed messages and gets defensive. We frequently misunderstand each other.

But he has a big heart and has been willing to try my wild experiments over the years. He cares about me, and he wants me to be happy and have a good life.

He definitely believes that by talking about the things that happen during my week, we can get to the root of my problems. I did not do that for the first 9 months of working with J, and the first time I talked to him about a real live event he said, “This was the first regular therapy session we have had.” I probably should have quit then, but I didn’t. If I had known then what I know now, I would have quit.

By reading all of these entries I see the bigger picture, I see our patterns and what causes our misunderstandings and my hurt feelings. And I think seeing this takes him off of his pedestal for me, which makes him less intimidating. I think I might just be able to make it work with him.

And by the way, Thanksgiving was very nice. Everyone was polite and friendly and cooperative, there were four dogs there to distract us, my sister in law prepared food that I could eat, and I can’t think of one thing to complain about. Maybe it wasn’t fair that she “stole” Thanksgiving from me, and that I have no family of my own to share Thanksgiving with, but there is nothing I can do about it but accept it.

Nov 23 2011

Therapy Recap 11/22/11

Not much to report about my session yesterday. I started by talking about how I used to self harm. I said “that is pretty disgusting isn’t it?” J said that is not the word he would use. I asked him why I did that, and he talked about self harm for a while. He remembered the collage I made about it, I had forgotten about that. It was actually a slide show, but I just gave him the photos. Here is a link to the collage. Here is a link to the slideshow if you want to see it, it is the second one.

He asked me why I was thinking about it and told him how I was alone all weekend and that is when I would self harm, but I came up with things to do and I didn’t watch any bad movies or drink. I told him that Thanksgiving coming up is causing some of my grief.

He wanted to know why I hate Thanksgiving. I didn’t really want to get into the whole story, so I gave an abbreviated version. Then we spent the rest of the session talking about how to get through Thanksgiving day. I hate sessions like that – I could read that on hundreds of blogs “8 Ways to Get Through Thanksgiving.” He was asking “What will you do if xyz happens?”, or “What can you say if someone says abc?”

We talked about why I am angry and resentful about Thanksgiving and his suggestion was to move on from that. He said it’s not fair, but that is the way it is. I agreed that the whole thing sounds so stupid and juvenile, I’m not 12 years old after all. I guess I should put it all behind me and just be happy and full of glee at Thanksgiving with my husband’s family.

I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if I should come next week, and he said ok. I said, “don’t you want to know why?” I told him that the session after Thanksgiving last year was one of the worst ever, and I have no reason to believe that would happen again but I’m just superstitious. He said he was sure we could handle having a productive session next week.

Last year a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I had sent J a long email, which I frequently did back then, and he encouraged it. Then he would send me back an email that would say “You have a lot of good thoughts in this email, and we should cover them in our sessions. It could take a few weeks to cover everything.” Then we would talk about it the next session, not have time to finish, and the next week he would forget that we were in the middle of discussing the email and I would be hurt. So last year the session after Thanksgiving was one of those where I thought we would finish an email discussion from the week before, and J forgot about it. When I reminded him he said he thought we covered everything “at least on the surface”. He got frustrated with me because I spent the rest of the time talking about dealing with stuff on the surface. At the end of the session he said, “When you came in you told me that you didn’t go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. That would have been the perfect thing to talk about.”

That made me so angry because for months, even years, I had told him that I didn’t know what to talk about, and he said I could talk about anything. But that was obviously untrue.

I don’t send emails anymore.

Now I talk more about things that J likes to talk about. He asked me a few weeks ago if I do that to appease him, and I said yes, but it is still helpful. But I still don’t have anyone to talk to about the deep stuff. He didn’t really have a response for that.

If you want to read about here is a link to the blog post.

I gave him a rock at that session, I wonder if he still has it.

Nov 20 2011

Made It Through The Weekend

I got through the weekend without anything disastrous happening. I didn’t drink (much) and I didn’t watch The Bourne Identity or The Wrestler. Thursday night I went to my writing class reunion (although at the last minute I thought seriously about not going because I didn’t like my story). The teacher asked me to read first, which was good, I like to get it over with. People said they liked the story, which was about having cancer, and there was a good discussion about it afterwards. The teacher said this would be very helpful to other people who might be in the same medical situation as I was, as well as to family and friends who don’t know what to do. She told me to send it into the health sections of newspapers.

Yesterday I spend the day with my friend’s husband B. Before that I met my running group and ran faster and farther than I have since my surgery! Then I picked up B and we went to a Finnish Festival in a local church, which was so crowded, I didn’t like it much. We left there and went to a holiday craft show about 45 minutes away, which was held in a HUGE high school ( just looked it up and they have 2100 students, about the same as my kids’ high school. It seemed so big.) This show was spread out all over the place. I bought some jalapeno peanuts and a bottle of olive oil.

It was fun doing something with someone on the weekend. My husband doesn’t do anything with me on the weekends.

Today I went out for a one hour power walk on the trail, then made blueberry pancakes. I did laundry and a bit of organizational stuff, then some errands and grocery shopping. My friend, her husband and I were thinking of going to a movie, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

So it was good. Now if I can get through Thanksgiving all will be well.

I’m already getting worried about my therapy session after Thanksgiving. Last year that was one of the worst sessions we have had, it was a total disaster. I don’t want a replay of that.

Nov 18 2011

Child Abuse

So here is where I was going with that long Penn State story from yesterday.

I used to teach preschool, which was run by a Jewish synagogue, and sometimes I would substitute teach in the kindergarten. I was in the kindergarten one day, just me and the assistant teacher, and one of the students, a 5 year old girl named Greta, told me that her Poppie hit her with the metal part of his belt. It’s been a number of years, and I can’t remember exactly the conversation that transpired. I know that we did not know whether Poppie was Greta’s father or grandfather, and I don’t remember if we asked her more questions.

When I got home that day I was troubled, and I wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was, we didn’t get trained for this type of situation. I knew that there were certain people who are required by law to report child abuse, even alleged child abuse, to child protective services, but I had no idea if I was one of those people, or if it should even be reported because we didn’t witness anything, we were just told by the child that this occurred.

So I called my sister-in-law who worked for the county at the time, and she told me that I should report it to the preschool director. That is what I did, I immediately called the director and told her what was said. She thanked me for telling her and said she would take care of it. And I thought she would.

About a month later I asked the kindergarten teacher whatever happened with Greta. I was dismayed to learn that the preschool director met with the rabbi and they decided not to report the incident because this family was well respected in the synagogue, and they had a lame excuse about how if they did report it to the police the child could end up being abused even more because the parents would be so angry.

I was quite stunned by this decision. At this point I had totally lost my faith in Judaism. I had never really believed in God, but I enjoyed the synagogue and its emphasis on family values, traditions, ceremonies and Jewish holidays. We joined the synagogue when my children were young and we had a great rabbi who loved kids and they loved him too. Unfortunately he left to become a rabbi at a different synagogue, and then a few years later came the shock of my life. I was watching Dateline, and they were reporting a story about pedophiles. Some grassroots anti-child abuse advocates went online and pretended to be young children in chat rooms. There they struck up conversations with older men and planned meetings, mostly at the “childrens’” homes. When the pedophiles arrived at the homes, Dateline was waiting with reporters and cameras.

Who was one of the first pedophiles that they caught? Our previous rabbi, the one who loved children, and was loved by children, and parents. They caught him on tape going into a “child’s” home so that he could have sex with the young boy. This rabbi is now in jail.

It was devastating to the synagogue and the community. And then a few years later the new rabbi learned of an alleged child abuse incident with Greta and didn’t report it to the authorities.

Needless to say I was done with religion for good.

I now know that if I am to ever hear a child tell me about any incident, I will immediately go to CPS, even though the type of job I have not does not require this. I think this should be a requirement of all adults, no matter what line of work they are in.

It’s all very sickening to me.

Nov 17 2011

Three Things

1.

A couple of things I didn’t write about my session on Tuesday:

J said more than once that he doesn’t know my husband, he can only go by what he has heard from me, and at one point said jokingly that he would like to see my husband with me in the office. I let that one slide, that will never happen.

J also asked me if I thought my relationships with people could improve and I said no, and he asked why not. I told him I was too old and it is too late, and I feel pretty hopeless about ever being able to change. He asked me what I would need to change, and I said that:

I would need to be myself
I would need to not be fake or hide things
I would need to trust people
I would need to allow myself to be vulnerable

He didn’t suggest how to make this happen however.

2.

My husband and son are going to Toronto this weekend for a hockey game (that is how much they like hockey – Toronto is far away from here). Some of you might not know, or might have forgotten, that I self harmed for quite a while. I haven’t done it in months, I don’t know how long exactly because I don’t like to go back and read old posts on my blog. But I would usually self harm when I was alone in the house, and I’m getting a little anxious about being alone all weekend. So I am thinking of ways to pass the time. Saturday morning I have my running group, but that is all that I have planned. However yesterday a dear friend, who lives down the street from me, called me to tell me she was going out of town because her mother is dying, but her husband is currently undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer. I offered to spend time with him this weekend, because he hates to be alone. That could really fill up the whole weekend, and she said he doesn’t feel so awful that he can’t take walks or even go to the movies. I plan to spend as much time over at their house as possible, he thinks I am doing him a favor, but it is really the other way around.

3.

I don’t know if people outside the US know about the Penn State situation, or even if people outside of the east coast of the US. In a nutshell, a football coach at the university founded a charity to help troubled youth in the late 1970’s. In the mid-1990’s this same coach engaged in “inappropriate conduct” with a few young boys between the ages of 7 and 13. This “inappropriate conduct” ranged from molestation to actual sexual activity (ie; rape).

In the late 1990’s a mom of one of the boys reported an incident to the university police and child protective services. Investigators interviewed the coach, he admitted that he showered with the boy and also admitted it was wrong, and promised not to do it ever again. No charges were filed, and the case was closed.

The coach then retired, but stayed on as a volunteer and had full access to the everything at the university.

Recently a man came forward and gave testimony saying that the coach showered with him when he was a young boy, and molested him. At the time a janitor on the campus told his supervisor that he saw the coach performing oral sex on a young boy. Another janitor reported that he saw the coach and a boy leave the shower room holding hands. Neither the janitors nor the supervisor reported the incidents to university police or child protective services.

A couple of years later a graduate student told the Head Coach (Joe Paterno) that he saw the football coach in the locker room shower, performing anal sex on a 10 year old boy. Paterno reported the incident to his supervisor. Now the story gets fuzzy. The graduate student claims that he told university officials that he saw the coach and the boy engaged in anal sex. But university officials say that they were never told this, just that the coach and the boy were horsing around and maybe by accident the coach touched the boy’s genitals. However the university takes away the coach’s campus privileges, the incident is reported to the charity, but no law investigation happens.

In the mid 2000’s a coach at a high school where the football coach was volunteering came upon him and a young boy engaged in some type of inappropriate conduct. The coach spent a lot of time with this boy. In the late 2000’s the boy’s mother reported that her son had been sexually assaulted by this volunteer coach, and the high school principal reports this to the police.

This month the coach was finally arrested for a bunch of charges involving child abuse. The university supervisors were charged with perjury and failure to report abuse. Those supervisors just resigned.

The head coach, Paterno, said he would retire at the end of the football season. However the university removed him from his head coach position immediately. The school students were very angry about this and were having riots on campus, and the graduate student who had reported what he saw now is getting death threats.

Now, having some time to think about it and come to their senses, the students are supporting the victims of the abuse by having candlelight vigils, and having a moment of silence before last week’s football game.

The coach still insists he is innocent, and denies that he is a pedophile. He does admit to showering with the boys however.

This has already gotten very long, and there is a reason why I am telling this story. But I’ll write about that tomorrow.

Nov 15 2011

Therapy Recap 11/15/11

I started right in by telling J that I was thinking about things we talked about last week (I didn’t tell him the session got me upset, and after reading my blog post about that session I can’t figure out why I did get upset). I sort of made a verbal bullet list for him:

• I went back and read my story about my medical situation, and I had written something about my husband, but I took it out

• I could never give my husband a formal thank you for his support during that time, and I can’t believe J even asked me to do that. I said that he may as well have told me to go out and get a million dollars and come back next week and let him know how it went.

• I saw my pdoc last week and I was in a bad mood and she doesn’t want me to go off of my wellbutrin and she told me I was better when I had cancer. She said if my relationship with my husband was better I would be happy and my life would be complete, and he says if I volunteer until I become a grandmother I would be happy and my life would be complete.

• I had a fight with my husband, but I think it worked out ok in the end

I thought that took about 10 minutes to go through, but it was probably more like 2 minutes.

Then I sat back and waited.

He asked me about my story for the writing class reunion, and did I take my husband out after we talked about it in the session last week. I told him that I had taken my husband out before last week’s session because I didn’t like that part of the story.

We talked about how I can’t thank my husband for his support, and he said does it make it a little easier for me maybe, because I know that my husband stepped slightly out of his comfort zone to offer his support. That maybe I could step a little out of my comfort zone. Then he gave a long analogy about two people flirting in a bar, and how it is like going up a ladder, one person says x and the other says y, and then they go to the next level, or perhaps they don’t say y they say q, and then it doesn’t go any farther…….

We moved on to my pdoc telling me I was better when I had cancer. I said that I don’t remember if she used the actual word “better”, but that was the impression I got. She might have said I was more engaged. We talked about how I had isolated myself and become disengaged from friends and family over the last couple of years, but it seemed to get better this year. I said that my cousin’s hospital stay from her overdose, and my medical situation were distractions from my life.

J told me something he had already told me, but I listened again. He said at one time in his practice he had 5 or 6 women who all had anxiety about things in their lives, but when a true disaster struck – illness, death of a spouse, etc – they were totally functional and in control. He told me that he was thinking about me before the session and how situations with me always come back to the same questions:

Am I good enough?
Do I have value?
Do people like me?
Do people love me?
Do I love myself?

Makes me sound pathetic.

He asked me if I had a “project” would I feel more engaged, valued, etc. I said that is what I have been trying to say for the last two years. When my children grew up and left home I lost my purpose in life. Maybe he finally understands this now?

He told me a story about someone who worked for six years on child safety seat laws. He asked me if some kind of activism would give me a purpose.

Then he asked if my relationship with my husband was better, would that satisfy my need for purpose? I said no, and he asked why not, and I said that I don’t want my sense of purpose to be dependent on other people. My husband could be gone in a second, just like my kids, and with them went my purpose. He said a purpose doesn’t have to be one thing, it can be multiple things….

We talked about the fight I had with my husband, and I told him the whole story. He never actually said that when I apologized, or when I told my husband what would be a good thing to say, was a good thing, so I don’t know what he really thought. He did ask if after all of that I felt more emotionally connected to my husband (was he really asking if we had sex?) I told him that, no, I did not feel more emotionally connected to my husband, we made up, and things went back to normal, like being roommates. Then I asked him what is an emotional connection anyway, and we talked about that for a while and he explained cognitive dissonance and I told him about when we were in New Orleans and I saw a guy with a hat from my hometown football team and we immediately bonded and talked about where we are from, and the teams we like, etc. I guess that is an emotional connection? Or it is cognitive dissonance.

I told him that I think my husband is clueless, but doesn’t mean to hurt me or be mean. J agreed. I told him that normally in a situation with my husband when it got to the part where he doesn’t say anything and walks out of the room, I stuff my feelings and stew about it, and after multiple times it builds up negative feelings. But this time I said something when he didn’t say anything and walked out of the room. As a matter of fact, the whole episode of the fight/make up was much different from how I usually behave. J asked me what I thought caused me to be different, and I said I don’t know. He suggested that perhaps it was because my husband has been more supportive to me lately, or perhaps it was because J told me last week to thank my husband for his support.

Then J asked me if I run with a gps watch so I can monitor the elevation, and how even though going up hill is difficult the fact that you know there will be a downhill soon makes it easier. And he compared that to a relationship, ups and downs, you know if you are in a difficult time, an easier time must be coming. Then he said something about “make up sex”, and I was surprised and I guess my face showed it, and he said he was using it as an example of ups and downs and there is even a term for the ups – make up sex.

I think that was about it. I left feeling ok, I didn’t feel as though I had left anything unsaid, I hate when that happens. Maybe J finally gets the “existential angst” I have been feeling and that he never wanted to talk about. He uses different wording – I need a “cause”. That’s not exactly right, but much closer than he was before.

One weird thing was that he brought up my cousin, and how I seemed engaged during the time I was taking care of her. The weird part is he called her by her name. I have never told J anyone’s name, I say “my husband”, “my aunt”, “my new boss”, “my old boss”, etc. But during the cousin in the hospital time I guess I let my guard down and called my cousin by her name. So when he talked about her he didn’t say “When your cousin was in the hospital”, he said “When Lori was in the hospital.” That kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because he doesn’t even know her and he is calling her by her name. I know most people use names in therapy, I suppose as a way to be sure the therapist knows who is who. But how can a therapist remember everyone’s name? I’m surprised J even remembered that one name.

Nov 14 2011

Conversation With My Husband Continued

After a couple of hours I went downstairs to where my husband was watching TV and I said, “I’m sorry I got angry at you. I just felt as though you didn’t care about what I said.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

I said, “I don’t want to get into it, I’m just trying to explain that I am sorry I got angry with you.”

He said, “Thank you.”

After a couple of more hours he asked me if I was still angry at him.

I said, “No I am not angry at you. I am still upset about Thanksgiving, but I am not angry at you.”

Then I said, “If you ever don’t know what to say to me, maybe you could just say something that would let me know that you heard me.”

He said, “OK.”

I said, “You don’t have to do anything, or try to fix anything or solve whatever problem it is.”

He said, “OK.”

Then I asked him if he was angry at me, and he said he was not.

I thought I handled that pretty well, except for the first part.

My husband and I never fight, because we never talk. But for some reason yesterday I felt like talking to him, and he really doesn’t know what to say. Not because he doesn’t care, he just really doesn’t know what to say. That is annoying, but he isn’t doing it on purpose.

He must be under a lot of stress lately – I’ve been showing a lot more emotion in the last couple of months than I have in the whole time we’ve been married. I’m not sure he likes it much, he seems to have that deer in the headlights look whenever I start talking. But I don’t want to forget that he was supportive during my health thing, I don’t want this one episode to overshadow all of that.

Nov 13 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

Today I received an email from the Thanksgiving sister-in-law telling us all what she is making, and what we should make, and who we should bring, etc etc.

I asked my husband if he received the email (actually he hadn’t – she only sent it to me and the other SIL). He said he hadn’t, and wanted to know what it said. So I told him and then I went on a rant about how I hate SIL and I hate Thanksgiving, and how we used to have it and it was so fun and everyone wanted to come to our house, and it was the only holiday we had at our house, and SIL didn’t even come, but then she decided to take over Thanksgiving and now no one wants to come to our house and it doesn’t really matter anyway because I don’t have any family.

He stood there for a few seconds, then started to walk out of the room.

I said, “OK, I’m glad I was able to get that off my chest, and now you walk away.”

He said, “What do you want me to do?”

I said, “At least acknowledge that I have said something.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “OK, so just walk away.” And then I stormed upstairs.

He came up after a few minutes and said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “You sound like my sister – you don’t know what to say so you say nothing.”

He said, “I’m sorry you are upset, but I don’t know what I can do.”

Then he sat on the bed in silence for a few minutes while I continued doing whatever I was doing on the computer. Finally he got up and left.

Nov 12 2011

Repost About Thanksgiving

I wrote this post last year before Thanksgiving, and since I have been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving lately I thought I would repost it. Because I’m sure everyone wants to know why Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday and now I hate it. (Sarcastic – the part about everyone wanting to know.)

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When my husband and I got married we started a new tradition – having everyone at our house for Thanksgiving dinner. His parents, my parents, my aunt, uncle and their children, my sister, and when she got married her husband, my grandmothers (they were still alive then), my husband’s sister and her husband, and their kids when they had them, my husband’s sister’s husband’s parents (that’s confusing!). My husband also has a brother, and he and his wife and kids never came to our Thanksgiving. Sister in law’s parents are divorced and she felt like she had to go to too many people’s houses on Thanksgiving, so they avoided the situation altogether by driving to another state to spend Thanksgiving with extended family. That made sense at the time.

We did Thanksgiving this way from 1988 until about six years ago or so. My husband’s brother and his wife bought a beach house. One day the sister-in-law called me and said that she and her husband wanted to have Thanksgiving at the beach house. I didn’t know what to say. She asked me if my mother, sister and aunt were planning on coming for Thanksgiving that year because she had enough room at the house for my mother, but not the rest of my family. I told her that I wasn’t sure if they were planning on coming yet.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to give up my Thanksgiving tradition. It was the only holiday that I had at my house and the only one where both my family and my husband’s family spent the day together. We are Jewish and keep Kosher, but my husband’s parents wouldn’t eat at my house on Jewish holidays because they said I didn’t “keep kosher good enough.” But they would come for Thanksgiving.

Finally I decided that I would still have Thanksgiving and everyone could decide where they wanted to go. This didn’t go over so well. Everyone wanted me to just say, “OK, we’ll have Thanksgiving at the beach and I won’t spend the holiday with my family, but I’ll be happy.” I didn’t do that though. It turned into a huge fight. My sister in law and I had a tremendous blow up over the phone and by email. In the end, neither of us did Thanksgiving that year. They went to the beach by themselves. My husband’s sister did Thanksgiving at her house and we went there.

Ever since then, sister in law has had Thanksgiving at her house. Not the beach house, because it turned out that once the kids got to college they didn’t want to go to the beach for Thanksgiving. All of their friends were home, and they wanted to stay in town. But no one ever wanted to come to my house again.

So now my husband and I alternate years. One year we go to sister in law’s house, and the next we have Thanksgiving at my house with my family coming over. I have a very small family though, and my kids would rather spend the day with my husband’s family, they have lots of kids and they are more of the same age. (Edited for 2011: we are not having Thanksgiving with my family at my house anymore because I now have no family.)

In 2010 it was my turn to have Thanksgiving and my mother, sister and her husband and kids were going to come. My aunt doesn’t come anymore, because she has a place in Florida now and goes there every year. My sister and I haven’t spoke since our fight on Rosh Hashanah back in September, so I didn’t really want to spend Thanksgiving with her. I asked my mother and sister if they would care to come for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, and then we could spend the day with my husband’s family on Thursday. But my sister said she is working Wednesday, so they can’t come for dinner. (Huh? She works 9 to 5, not nights).

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved having both families at my house and cooking and entertaining everyone. Now I’m just bitter about the whole thing. My husband’s family loves going to sister in law’s house – she starts Thanksgiving day with a big breakfast and everyone hangs out cooking all day. She has a mini mansion with lots of large screen tvs and a pool table and hot tub on the deck. Who can compete with that?

In 2009 I ran a 10K on Thanksgiving morning so I could at least have an excuse to miss the breakfast part of the celebration. Then I went over in the afternoon, and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes sister in law has tantrums when the whole family is there, and she storms out of the house. That’s awkward. She’s a control freak. I’m not even allowed to bring anything.

Last year I ran the 10K again. Then I faked illness and stayed home.

I actually planned my boss’s Thanksgiving last year, and I am doing that again this year. His family is coming to his house, and I’ve worked on the menu, planned who is making each item, and I’m doing all of the food ordering and shopping this week. It makes me feel like I’m doing something for Thanksgiving, even though I won’t be at his Thanksgiving.

I hate Thanksgiving.