I thought I would check in because I always hate when bloggers just drop off the face of the earth, I never know if they just got tired of writing, or if something happened to them, or perhaps they recovered from all of their problems and didn’t need to write anymore.
I’m still writing my therapy recaps, but very brief summaries and I am not publishing them on the blog. I am trying to move away from Harriet, and become a more real me. I have another blog which I started last year, then abandoned for a while, and restarted last month. It is a health blog, about wellness, fitness, healthy eating, etc. I’m enjoying writing for that blog. If you want the link, write to me and I’ll give it to you. I don’t want the two blogs associated with each other however.
Via meetup.com I’ve connected with two hiking groups and a vegan group. I’ve been on 3 or 4 hikes, and two vegan lunches. I know that sounds like I am being so social, but frankly it is easier for me to be with these strangers than with people I know. They don’t know the “bad” stuff about me. I rarely go out with friends, or even talk to them, even though I would like to. I don’t call people to chat, that’s just not me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately.
My marriage still sucks. My husband and I went to NY for the weekend, and it wasn’t terrible, but it also wasn’t fun. He was a pain in the ass, he would not engage in any of the things we did, or any of the decisions about what we were doing. The only time he seemed interested in anything was when he was deciding which deli he wanted to go to. We ate dinner separately one night, even though he had told me before we left that he would go to a vegan restaurant with me.
I can’t sleep with him because he snores because he is overweight, and I end up going to sleep in another room in the middle of the night. When I wake up in the morning I can’t figure out where I am half the time. I dread having sex with him.
My jobs are incredibly boring, and one has become very stressful because my boss is under a lot of stress and it is the trickle down theory at work I suppose.
I did enroll in a year long nutrition course that I have wanted to take for a number of years, but never wanted to spend the money on myself. This course will train me to be a health coach with my own practice, however I know that there is no way I could have a business coaching women so I am doing this just for my own learning and knowledge. I don’t have the self confidence to have a business, not to mention I would probably be more screwed up than the clients I would be trying to help. Everyone thinks I have such a healthy lifestyle, but I have body image issues, food issues, exercise issues, etc etc. I definitely have not reached the point of self acceptance. I am, however, looking forward to, and even excited about, starting the course.
One thing I have talked about many times in therapy is having a purpose in life, and my therapist has convinced me that that is not going to happen, or isn’t necessary, so I have lowered my sights to just having a project. My purpose was raising my children, and I did that, it is too much to expect that I would have another purpose, so I have accepted that.
I registered for a half marathon that will take place at the end of April. Another project that I am excited about. I still love running, and find it meditative, a time when my mind can actually stop whirling around and be at peace.
My husband, son and I are starting family therapy. We met once with the psychologist, then my son met with him twice alone, and the three of us are meeting together with him on Monday. At our first meeting I was the one that had to do all the talking, even though I didn’t answer any questions until it was totally obvious that no one else was going to say anything. The psychologist told me that his plan is for me to talk less, therefore ensuring that my husband will talk more. I’m interested to see if this will work. My husband claims to be on board with the process, but based on past experience I could see him backing down and me doing all of the work. This is something that can definitely make or break our marriage.
I am currently not engaging in any self destructive behaviors. When I think about where I was 2 years ago I get very frightened because I don’t know how I got that way, and therefore I don’t know how to prevent it from happening again. I know it is not productive to worry about “what if” but I would feel more secure if I knew what the warning signs would be.
I’m still seeing J for therapy once a week, but I feel as though it is very disjointed and not getting to the roots of the issues. Both J and my pdoc say that I have changed, and I just don’t notice the positive changes. I try to believe them.
So that is where things stand. I don’t know if I will be writing here any time soon, I need to move on from Harriet. She served me well, but I think it will be healthier to be me. But one never knows.