Hello readers, if any of you still check here. I thought I would post a little update.
I am taking a therapy break, last Tuesday was my last day for three months. My daughter is going to Europe to do a semester abroad and I want her to be able to travel as much as possible while she is there. The $500 a month I spend on therapy would be better served for her travels, hence the break.
I’m not upset about the break, although I do find myself thinking about J and about therapy every day. At our last session I asked him some questions about therapy and about my progress and I had a list of things that I think I need more work on.
I didn’t want to leave therapy with anything up in the air, but of course that is what happened. I asked J, “How important is it to talk about feelings vs things to do, things to say, behaviors, etc?” and J said that he is solution oriented, and that I am too. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I know he is solution oriented, which seems opposite from his supposed “psychodynamic” approach. Perhaps it is because it is difficult for me to talk about my emotions that he feels I am solution oriented. He also says I am goal oriented, although right now I don’t feel that I have any goals.
On my list of things that I still need work on is: Identifying emotions and figuring out what to do with them.
Maybe he is not fully aware that I continue to use less than great coping mechanisms when I am confronted with a difficult emotion. This is much less severe than it used to be, but whenever I feel a bad feeling my first reaction is to reach for a bottle of wine. I would like to learn what to do with these emotions when they surface, rather than just drink.
Also on my list was “do something about my marriage” and “body image issues”. I said these two things are very hard to talk about, and he said that whenever the topics come up I back off right away. But I really should do something about my marriage in particular, as I told J, if I don’t die I could live another 40 years. What the hell am I supposed to do for 40 years?
I asked him if it is worth talking about the past, and he said if it comes up in relation to something that is happening now, then yes, but basically we should concentrate on the here and now. The reason I asked this is because I was with a friend last month and we were talking about our mothers. I remembered a couple of things that my mother did (or didn’t do) and I thought maybe those were things I could talk about in therapy. But really, what would be the point? We know that my problems relate back to my relationship with my mother, so is it necessary to rehash every little thing?
I asked J how he feels about me going off my meds, and he said as long as I don’t have side effects I should stay on them. I asked if more therapy would be beneficial for me and he said I can function without it (my pdoc doesn’t seem to think so) and it won’t hurt (can’t be too sure of that) and it can certainly help.
I told him that I realize there might not be room for me when I want to come back, and he said there would always be a place for me in his practice. When I left he said I could email him every week or two. I don’t know why he would say that, I certainly don’t want to do therapy by email. I am looking for a great thank you card to send him though.
I’m wondering if I will want to go back. If I do go back we are going to have to talk about how intimidating he is to me. This is a serious impediment to my therapy, and when I bring it up he brushes it off. So if I can’t get past that I don’t know if I will continue.
I have been seeing J for 4 years. For some reason that makes me feel somewhat ashamed, but a lot has happened in those 4 years. At first I was just screwed up, then I got suicidal, then my cousin overdosed, then I got cancer. Whew. He was there for all of that. I can’t say that about anyone else in real life.
My box and my rock are still on his bookshelf. He didn’t ask me to take them home with me, and I kind of forgot about them. So maybe there is a little piece of me still in his office.