I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I woke up feeling like crap, not physically, but in all other ways. I’m hating myself because I’ve gained a few pounds. I know that is because I stopped logging my food intake on livestrong, and I immediately went over there today and will have the website up at all times and on the homepage of my blackberry. It’s so easy to lose track of calorie intake, for me anyway. I’m either obsessive about it, or I gain weight. There isn’t a middle ground.
I don’t know if that is why I’m feeling this way, it doesn’t seem like that big a deal, I know it won’t be hard to get back on track and lose the weight. But I was so irritable today, my daughter came home for lunch and I was just feeling so cranky and I wanted to be alone. Luckily I spent a few hours at work all alone, then went to my new hang out, Starbucks, to drink decaf coffee and read. I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately, it’s like being alone while being surrounded by people.
I’m also annoyed at my mother, because we were all going to go to Atlanta for my cousin (her niece)’s wedding in March. We booked the plane tickets and hotel for my husband, kids and me, and today she told me that she isn’t going. She claims it is because she just discovered that her investments lost money in 2009 and she doesn’t have enough money, but I know that isn’t true. She has been looking for an excuse not to go. She is upset that my cousin converted to a religion that isn’t ours, and she is upset because my cousin ignored her when her husband died, and she is upset at my cousin’s mother, my aunt, because she sometimes seems indifferent to my mother. This has all been going on for years and years. And since my mother isn’t going to Atlanta, my sister and my niece aren’t going to go either. I really thought it would be so nice for all of us to be together, we have such a small family and we never spend time together, except at weddings and funerals. Oh well.
And back in December a friend of mine emailed me and asked if I could go to lunch with her on January 15th. How am I supposed to know on December 8th if I want to go to lunch on January 15th? But I couldn’t say no because it was so far in advance. Now January 15th is four days away. I don’t want to go to lunch with her, I don’t really want to go to lunch with anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. So I’m going to email her and tell her something came up. I don’t even really feel badly about it. I don’t feel anything actually.