So while I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep even though I had taken a klonopin (which I promise myself is a one time thing, I am not going back to the days of klonopin = sleeping pills since it took me 4 months to break that habit) I thought about what I was feeling yesterday. I think it goes like this:
Build up a little trust – take a risk – see what happens
If what happens is positive I get to take one baby step forward, like in mother may I.
If what happens is negative I get to take 10 giant steps backwards, plus even losing a turn.
Yes, the positive reinforcement has much less of an impact than the negative reinforcement. Maybe that’s why in a marriage 5 positives = 1 negative. (Look up Dr. John Gottman if you want to know more about that.)
Maybe in therapy 5 positives = 1 negative also.
I have difficulty with trust, and with making myself vulnerable. But I force myself to make disclosures every once in a while, and sometimes it ends up well and sometimes I’m left wondering what the hell I just did.
When I sent J the email about the recap of 2009, I took a big risk. I tried to make that letter as honest as possible. I know it was intense and it was long, and maybe I should have broken it down into smaller pieces over a longer period of time, but it was what I was thinking and feeling and I just wrote it all down. And J said it was great and perfect, but you know sometimes what people say and how they behave are different things.
We talked about the email last week, covering the section about having negative feelings about myself, and about the section in which I wrote that he doesn’t validate feelings. He said that didn’t bother him, but he mentioned that paragraph a couple of times, and of all the things to talk about from the email that’s the one he chose. Which is fine.
I also wrote in the email about:
My problems with communication and feeling misunderstood
Not seeing friends because of food issues
Being on the bell curve and being in the middle vs either end
Feeling different, not really knowing why I feel different, why am I different
Forgetting things I’ve done or said
Medication issues
The problem of intrusive thoughts
Yesterday I just thought perhaps there was more to talk about from that list of concerns. We did talk about food and eating which ties into #2 on that list, but isn’t exactly the same thing. I think what I’m feeling is that everything else besides negative thinking and feelings validation isn’t worth talking about. I don’t want to say I feel minimized because that implies I have some degree of importance, and I don’t think I have any more or less importance than anyone else (I probably feel I have less importance, but I’m working on getting over that.) So now I’ve taken 10 giant steps backwards, and I guess I’ll be losing a turn. Or maybe more than one.
Why would I make myself vulnerable at this point after experiencing a negative response last time?
I think this must be another example of me being too sensitive and taking things too personally and holding on to negatives. I never know whether it’s me being those things, or if a situation really warrants those feelings. I need some kind of ruler to carry around with me so that I can make objective judgments about my reactions.
But that is how I feel, and feelings aren’t right or wrong, right? But feelings aren’t facts either.
And I emailed my friends to tell them I couldn’t make it for lunch on Friday. One of them emailed back and said she totally forgot about it and she can’t make it either, so then they decided to reschedule and make it dinner instead! I really couldn’t say no, so we agreed to have dinner next week. But it’s ok, I’ve been thinking about it and I haven’t seen them in two or three months. One of these friends I have know for 26 years, and the other for almost 20 years. I think I can handle one dinner, it will be good. I just have to put on my thick skin before I go.
i kind of like working this all out with my therapist. i’m so scared to get angry with people. when i get angry with her, i get practice. she appreciates that opportunity. but she doesn’t always “get” things the first time. can you keep going back to J.?
i guess it’s a lot about trust with me. i do trust her, even when i’m disappointed or angry with her response. it sounds like you trust J.?
re; your friends. do you know what the issues are about not wanting to go? is it healthy for you to go? is it about the eating?
i’m just sharing my thoughts. they may not be right to you
You’ll probably enjoy the dinner once you get there … I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you will.
Hi Harriet,
I like your blog a lot.
Just a remark: imho feelings *are* facts.
A feeling *did* exist at a certain point (or during a certain period) in time.
If you define a fact as an event that really took place, then I can’t see why a particular feeling in someone’s inner life would not be a fact.
…
You could say that “not facts” obviously refers to the “truth value” of the feeling (how it is a response to specific events) – not the existence of the feeling itself.
In that case, you might be talking about the response value(adequacy) of that feeling. Is that how I should understand it?
Ron
ihatetoweight – about my friends, I’m not really sure. I’ve been isolating myself from people because it’s less stressful I think. It is the eating too. But I’m actually looking forward to seeing them now, and I picked the restaurant, so I’m in somewhat control.
Laura – I’m confident that I will enjoy it, thanks for the reassurance.
Ron – nice to meet you. You are absolutely correct, and I was using feelings as not facts in the second way that you describe. If I have a feeling that my house is about to burn down, it doesn’t mean my house is about to burn down. If I see a candle that fell over on the carpet and I have a feeling that my house is going to burn down, well that’s probably more of a feeling that is a fact.
Yes, I understand the isolation (as you know), the trust and vulnerability ‘stuff’ – I get that too.
I hear every word you’re saying…
I have the freak-out monster breathing right down my neck right now!
Hey Harriet, sorry to read you’re not feeling so well. I hope you enjoy the dinner with your friends. Sounds like you didn’t have such a good session with J because he focused on the non-validation of feelings rather than on the other stuff you mentioned. And if you feel bad after going out on a limb with him then I guess it’s good to listen to that. How long have you been with him? And how long do you want to be with him? I’m just interested if you;ve had other experiences of therapy and this was definitely the best. If therapy makes you feel crap then I’m not saying give it up (or even give it up with him) but what do you like about it? Ok, will stop now!
Grace – I’m sorry about the freak out monster. You need monster spray.
Pete – I’m feeling ok, thank you. And I know I’ll enjoy the dinner with my friends, as long as I remember to keep my mouth shut so I don’t say stupid things.
I’ve been in this therapy for a year and four months. That may be too long, I’m not sure how long therapy like this is supposed to go. How long do I want to continue – I want it to be over, but I want to be better. My last experience with therapy was to get over my fear of flying, and it was totally different. I didn’t have to talk about feelings, so it was a lot easier. I’d say that was the best, but it’s like comparing apples and oranges as they say. What do I like about therapy? Nothing, am I supposed to like it? It’s like root canal – no one likes it, but you have to do it to make your tooth healthy.
I’m not sure I should be commenting (second glass of wine) but I just have to. Interested that you like Nothing about therapy! I don’t know if it should be root canal. Sure, it’s difficult at times and you expose painful things (such as absessed teeth – sorry, horrible analogy). But there can also be laughter, reassurance, warmth and just a place to unload. I remember my first long therapy where every week I sat down with a big sigh and it felt like hard work. Maybe I had to go through that but my current therapy is better. I’m more empowered for a start. But every therapy is different since every therapist and client is different.
I was also interested that J said your email was ‘perfect’. Not a very helpful answer I think. What does perfect mean in that context. You probably explored that. But anyway, just wanted to say thanks again for the blog friendship. Even if we are a bit screwed up at times, hey? You see, that’s the wine talking. Blogging under the influence a bad idea ;-)
Pete – your best comments are made while you are under the influence! I’d be joining you, but it’s only 2PM here, and I’m going for a run soon. So about therapy, I have heard about people that enjoy going because it feels safe and they can talk about their problems to someone who is attentive and doesn’t judge them, and it feels like a relief. I, however, am not one of those people. I did think it would get easier over time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
J uses the word perfect a lot, even though he knows I have issues with perfection and high standards. I said “Nothing is perfect” and he said “Everything is perfect.” So what it means is that it is perfect for that instance in that place in that context. Not perfect enough for him to ever want to talk about it again apparently.
I would also like to thank you for your blog friendship and for your insights. Sure, we’re screwed up, but who isn’t?