I was trying to take a break from the blog over the weekend, but too many things are going on inside my brain. Want to hear about what a loser I am? Here are some search terms that people are using to find my blog:
I was a pathetic child
Painless and effective suicide methods
Is suicide painless
Can’t think of anything good about myself
By the way, although there are effective suicide methods, I would venture a guess that there are no painless suicide methods. However, living may be more painful than dying, so I would suggest weighing your pain level prior to attempting anything.
Want to hear how else I’m a loser? I talked to my mother last week and asked her if she would like to spend a day together. She suggested next Friday. We decided to go out with along with my sister, and my sister’s friend (the empathic one). Today my sister emailed me that she now has to see some clients on Friday, but she can squeeze in a quick lunch. My mother, however, would prefer to stay home and play cards with her friends.
What does it mean when my own mother doesn’t even want to spend with me?
Here’s the tough part: you can call her back and say “Mom, maybe I wasn’t clear about how much it would really mean to me if you will spend the day with me on Friday. I love being with you and really need you in my life right now. I feel hurt that you would pick your poker game over me.” Believe that your feelings on this matter, assert yourself and communicate it clearly.
Ask for what you really want. From Mom. From sister. From J. It’s not easy but it’s REAL.
Painless suicide – for the person who does it or the people left behind?
My mom hugs my daughter and tells her she loves her. In front of me. But none for me. She’s old and self-centered and thinks I don’t need it. But this is a HARD thing to ask for from your mom.
good luck. breathe. run. eat. sleep. wash. repeat.
Hillary – but I don’t love being with her, and it’s stressful to have her in my life. She is unsupportive, critical, and negative. I thought I would do my daughterly duty and spend a day with her. I actually would prefer that she stay home and play cards, but it makes me feel bad that she doesn’t want to spend time with me.
I don’t actually need or want anything from anybody. I take care of myself, I can only depend on myself. And this kind of proves why.
I’m sorry about your mom. Sigh.
My dear, aren’t you “jumping” to conclusions now ?
Your mother might feel unable to spend the day, because of all kind of pains that she has – and that she doesn’t want to talk about (in order to avoid you worrying about it).
She might have lost a little of her memory power and forgotten about the accent on “a FULL day”.
She might be an xSxP type that just can’t sit still a whole day.
If the information came via your sister, she might misjudge your mother’s real feelings about it. Her view might also be influenced by her own inability to free up the whole day.
The lack of concrete (maybe preferably “action oriented”) program for the day scares many types of people.
Depending on the age, it might just be too much effort for her. Physically and/or emotionally.
Etc etc etc
I understand exactly what you’re saying. Even though we may find it stressful spending time with a parent we still want to know that they love us enough to want to spend time together. You’re probably feeling that you’re not that important to her when she chooses a game of cards over time with you.
Sweetie, you are not a loser!!! I won’t make any comments on the mom/fam stuff…cuz that ain’t my area of expertise. I haven’t talked to my host body in 3 years!
But I am going to speak to the “searches” you wrote of….What if someone did land on your blog searching for painless suicide methods. And what if they started reading and see that you are still alive, despite your own personal struggles and SUI thoughts. And maybe they left your blog with a newfound strength that maybe they could do it too!
You make a difference for me :-) And I don’t remember how I even landed on your blog the first time.
My friend Harriet is not a loser!
Harriet -
What everyone else has already said! You are not a loser – you do so many things well!
Hang in there. Run. Sleep. Rest. Buy shoes. Take your daughter to lunch.
I can empathize with the mother stuff. I feel like everything I do with my mother is done out of duty – not love. It’s too bad, but it is not something I can change. But it doesn’t make me a bad person. Or you.
OLJ
Ron – I don’t believe that I am jumping to conclusions, although I do respect your point of view and your logical view of the situation.
Let’s see:
Your mother might feel unable to spend the day, because of all kind of pains that she has – and that she doesn’t want to talk about (in order to avoid you worrying about it). – she has never been concerned with me worrying about anything. And these plans were made last week, with her full cooperation. It wasn’t a full day together, but maybe 4 hours or so.
She might have lost a little of her memory power and forgotten about the accent on “a FULL day”. – as far as I know she has full use of her memory. She’s not showing any signs of dementia or forgetfulness. And, like I said, it wasn’t really a full day.
She might be an xSxP type that just can’t sit still a whole day. – we weren’t planning on sitting still. We were going to go for a walk in a little area of town full of boutiques, then have lunch, then go to a spice store nearby. So a good combination of walking, sitting, eating and shopping.
If the information came via your sister, she might misjudge your mother’s real feelings about it. Her view might also be influenced by her own inability to free up the whole day. – this I can agree with. My sister frequently has her own agenda.
The lack of concrete (maybe preferably “action oriented”) program for the day scares many types of people. – well, as I mentioned above, we did have a concrete plan.
Depending on the age, it might just be too much effort for her. Physically and/or emotionally. – she has the physical stamina to handle it, she is quite an active woman. Emotionally it’s usually me who is drained, not her!
I think part of it may be that she is becoming addicted to mah jongg (yes, I said it is cards, but it is really mah jongg). She learned how to play a couple of months ago, and she is very enthralled with the game.
Laura – thank you, that is exactly it. You always understand me so well.
Grace – thank you. I appreciate your support and saying I am not a loser.
OLJ – thank you too. I guess I can do some things. I’m sorry that so many of my friends have mother issues. I hope my kids don’t have mother issues when they grow up. I do like your plan though – run, sleep, rest, buy shoes. My daughter is off again tomorrow, maybe I will take her to lunch and shoe shopping. Thank you!
Harriet, don’t feel too bad about the search terms. I’ve had some pretty sad and depressing ones as well.
Do you think you could approach your mom about how you would really like to see her in a manner that would show her it is more than just a lunch date to you?
sanity – thank you, I know I shouldn’t feel bad about it, after all if I didn’t write about those things then they wouldn’t be finding me by searching for them! About my mom – eh. The way I’m feeling lately, frankly I don’t want to see her at all. I don’t need to be around people who make me feel worse than I already feel about myself. I just thought it would be a nice thing, but never mind. I hope you are doing ok after your ordeal of the last couple of days. I’m thinking about you.
it is hard how your mom reacted. sorry. sounds like there’s not much you can do but take care of yourself.
isn’t it nice, though, that YOUR daughter genuinely likes you and spending time with you? WELL DONE!
It means that your Mom isn’t meeting your needs or caring about you as she should. It says nothing about you.
ihatetoweight – you are right about my mom, I can’t control what she does. And yes, it is nice that my daughter likes me, although I do embarrass her at times!
thesamesky – I’m trying to believe that. Thank you.
Ah, you twisted it around on yourself, the mom thing.
I’m at the point that I’d like to have a better relationship with my mom, ’cause I’m all “I’m going to die soon” (which really isn’t true now) “I’ll regret it on my/her deathbed if I don’t try” (still true).
Yes, metadata is just metadata. If you write a post on hot sex with Bill Clinton or running naked in the Capitol Building, then you get hits on those terms ;-) I dare you!
Hillary – ok, I’ll write a post about running naked in the Capitol one of these days. I did run, fully clothed, outside of the Capitol a few weeks ago. Not as exciting though.