I’ve been thinking about connection, since reading all of your comments about my encounter with the man with Asperger’s at the car repair shop. I’m not a person who believes that life has “meaning” or “purpose”, I guess because I am not spiritual in a religious sense. To me life is biology. Would you say that a lizard’s or a duck’s life has meaning? Other than in a biological sense, not really. They are on earth to procreate and to be a part of the food chain, same as humans. As for purpose, it is certainly understandable that we, as higher life forms, would like to think we have a purpose. It certainly adds pressure though.
Anyway, what gives my life meaning is connection. I love the feeling of connecting with another person, even if its a 30 second encounter. It doesn’t happen very often and what I’d really like is for it to happen with people with whom I have real relationships. It’s much easier to connect with strangers, with people on the internet or with someone who I know I’ll never see again, because part of connecting is making oneself vulnerable. And I don’t like to do that. If it do it with a stranger it’s a low risk behavior. But I think my life will be happier if I can connect with the people most important to me. I don’t know how to make that happen.
On another note, due to my recent feelings of low self worth I have my usual response feeling – which is escape. I really want to get away. I’m planning a trip to Mississippi to work with Habitat for Humanity, something I’ve been wanting to do for about a year and I’m finally getting my butt in gear and making the plans. The airfare isn’t expensive and they actually have dorms at this location. It costs $125 for the week including three meals a day. Unfortunately there are no non-stop flights to Gulfport from my location so I’ll have to change planes. Ugh – more xanax! I wish I could go sooner, but they are all booked up until April.