I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up, and finally at 3:30am I woke up and really couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried for a while, but too many thoughts were whirling around on that hamster wheel I call my brain. Finally at 4:50am I emailed my T and said, “I don’t think my session went very well yesterday – just wondering what you thought.” I guess somehow that made me feel better because I was able to fall asleep until my alarm went off at 6:30am.
J emailed me back this morning and said he thought the session went well because “We discussed the things that you felt were important. We came up with a behavioral plan (or at least a next step) in dealing with your son and we were able to connect how the three topics were related.” Then he sent another email a couple of minutes later asking, “Why do you think it did not go well?”
I thought about what to say for a while, and responded, “That’s true, we did do those things. The discussion about my son went well I thought. It was the other two things. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don’t feel like you really got it, but that’s just my inability to communicate well I think. Do you think that is why I feel that no one understands me, because I don’t communicate well?”
Ron made an interesting comment on yesterday’s post that J’s personality type just can’t understand my personality type. It makes sense, but it seems such a severe generalization. How can a full 1/16 of the population of earth totally not understand another 1/16 of the population?
I’m thinking of my mother’s type (ESTJ) vs my type (INFJ). We are so incredibly different. However, when I read about her type and how I can best communicate with her and why she acts the way she does I felt that I understood her so much better. Can’t we move past our personality types and come to understand the others? I would think that a psychologist especially would be able to do this. But maybe due to the personality differences the communication issues become even a greater hurdle.
Speaking of my mother, I had an interesting insight the other day. My mother has high expectations and sets high standards for other people, and when they don’t meet her expectations she thinks there is something wrong with them.
I also have high expectations and set high standards for other people, but when they don’t meet my expectations I think there is something wrong with me.
I’m surprised that my mother and I can get along at all, given our differences. I guess I should give us both some credit for working hard to have a good relationship.
i don’t know that people can understand others all that quickly and intuitively initially– i think it takes the kind of work you’re doing with J., the back and forth. (and also the work you’re doing with you’re mother.)
i’m not a therapist, but i got a good feeling about the way J. handled your last email exchange.
in life, i find we often run, and that can be destructive in different ways. you’re hanging in with J., your mom, your family, etc. — i think this is the most important stuff.
I understand so much of what you say here…it’s hard. I think J does want to help you, Harriet – regardless of his or your “personality” type. You are doing hard work – and you hang in there – and you keep trying. And that’s what’s important. It’s all about the climb!
Good insight on the two personality types. Especially when it pertains to your mother, you are getting hammered 2x. When you don’t meet your mothers expectations, it sounds like she looks down on you. When you don’t meet them, you look down on you. Not a good combination, but the fact that you can see it as a personality trait from her and not something brought on by you is wonderful!!!!!
What did *you* need from the session Harriet?
lissy – thanks. Yeah I’m hanging in, I’m tenacious! As for the email exchange, J hasn’t answered my email from yesterday morning, so I’m not sure I have a good feeling about our email exchange.
Grace – I do think he wants to help me also, but maybe I’m not helpable? I don’t know, I have to keep trying, what is the alternative?
Lily – yes, that is so true. And I never realized that looking at it as her personality trait is a good thing, but I guess it is. Thanks!
thesamesky – I don’t need anything. I pride myself on not needing anything from anyone.
Hmm. Then why was it unsatisfactory for you? Unsatisfactory implies that it didn’t meet your needs or expectations in some way. Is it easier to use the word ‘want’?
Good point. I just don’t like to admit that I have needs or wants I suppose. I do want to be understood, I want to communicate better. I really want someone to be able to read my mind so that I don’t have to say anything, but I know that is impossible!
I understand that. I spent a long time hating the word ‘need’ or ‘want’, I don’t know why you don’t like it, but for me it felt wrong. Finally admitting I had needs was a huge moment for me!
So did you feel understood? How would you know you were understood? What did you need from him to help you feel that way?
I don’t like it because I was taught to take care of myself. Or maybe I taught myself, I’m not sure.
I did not feel particularly understood at our session Tuesday. I would know because J wouldn’t be asking me questions that totally invalidated everything we discussed for a good 20 minutes, and by not assuming I feel certain ways. I wish he would ask me more questions I guess. Maybe that is what I need – if he asked more questions I could explain in ways that he can understand?
I wish you were my t, samesky!
Aww, that is sweet of you :) I often find myself getting very frustrated when reading accounts of your therapy sessions. It does feel to me that J often ‘misses’ you entirely, and I long for you to be heard and understood instead.
So the message was ‘take care of yourself, don’t have needs’, and now your need to be understood is being invalidated too. Feels like the pattern is being repeated.
What kind of questions are you wanting him to ask you?
Really, you get frustrated? I thought it was just me. Why do you think he doesn’t get me?
That’s a great insight about the pattern being repeated. How do I break out of that pattern?
As for the questions, I’ll have to think about that! I’ll do that after work…so many possibilities.
Yes I do. I’m not sure I could say why it is you don’t feel he is getting you – it is hard enough when you are in the room sometimes to figure things out! Sometimes people do just miss each other, sometimes it is a sign that there is something deeper going on.
You have to identify patterns before they can be changed, and as this is an relational pattern (i.e. you are both a part of it in some way) I’d suggest you chat it over with your T. I might be completely wrong about what is going on, and it is much more important that together you can work out what is happening between you. It feels to me though that the messages you received in childhood were that your needs weren’t appropriate, or that somehow it is better not to have needs. I suspect that you are partly continuing this pattern by not acknowledging your needs in therapy, and that he is partly continuing it by not challenging that, or by missing you – not picking up on what you need, or not meeting them. I wonder whether you could try telling him more what it is you need. Or you could explore those messages from your childhood to try and think about what is going on for you here. If you can do this with your T then together you can work out what breaking out of this pattern might look like.
Can you think a bit more about what you need from therapy? Or what you need from relationship?
Have fun with the questions – now I’ve added more for you to think about! ;)
Ah, I think you had a good session in person – you got to work on your topics vs. him driving the bus, and THEN a good session via email. He’s starting to understand you better, because he wrote back again and said “Why do you think it didn’t go well?”
I’ve noticed that my T does not necessarily accumulate & then reflect back knowledge of me; he will approach each session with a fresh point of view. Yes, he does remember things and I’ve worked hard to train him :-)
From what you are writing, you seem more engaged in the process and he’s responding to your engagement. Sweet!
thesamesky – that is great advice. I have this pattern in just about every relationship I have, so maybe if I can “fix” it with my T I can do it in my other relationships as well. I suppose I have to figure out what I need first, or maybe he can help me with that as well. It’s so hard to even admit I might have a need that I can’t even imagine actually verbalizing one. Wow, lots to think about.
Hillary – interesting that you see it this way. I was in control of the topics this week, that is true. I thought we were having a good email dialogue, but he never answered my last question, which was in response to what he asked me.
J also does not seem to reflect back previous knowledge with me. I hate that! It’s like every week is the very first week. Did I mention that I hate that?
I’m very confused.
It’s a little more complicated than 1/16th.
In fact it is asymmetric: S can understand only S, but N can understand N (almost effortless) *and* understand S (with a little more effort).
I often see how going abstract people can go to “concrete”, but vice versa is completely impossible (bouncing the “We are on different planets” barrier).
“thesamesky” is probably an N (as (s)he is intuitively focussing on what matters for you: the UNDERSTANDING), whereas others (S’es) think that you have a problem to be solved.
The fact J only in his second mail stopped giving action plans and felt that in fact he doesn’t even feel what your concern is about, is telling books of his S’ness.
I know that your perception is that I am against J. If you quickly recheck my comments/mails you’ll see I don’t judge him but I really pointed to his inability to understand your inner world.
I am glad “thesamesky” also notices this misbalance time and again.
What I forgot to type: you are also an example of this: you understand your mother, but let’s be honest: she cannot “bridge back” to your level.
Didn’t you often feel how she doesn’t even begin to see the beauty and complexity of your inner world?
Whereas you will often have insights on what makes her move and where things are blocking herself.
Ron – thanks for the comment, this is very interesting. J does seem to have a lot of S-ness doesn’t he? And I’m sorry if I have accused you of not liking him, I realize that you can’t make that judgment if you don’t even know him. I understand that you have been saying that you don’t believe he is the right T for me, nothing personal against him. It’s just so hard for me to believe that the problem between J and me isn’t all my fault. That’s how I am, you know, in just about everything.
As for my mother, that is a good analogy. I just never thought she was interested in my feelings, but I guess I shouldn’t take it personally, it’s just the way she is. She is like that with everyone after all.
If I might –perhaps you should consider adding a few images. I dont mean to disrespect what youve said; its very enlightening, indeed. However, I think would respond to it more positively if they could be something tangible to your ideas. Keep it up, but put a little more into it next time brown vs board of education