Yesterday I got an email from the library saying the book I requested to be put on hold is available for pickup. I don’t remember putting this book on hold, I wonder what that means.
Calling it quits : late-life divorce and starting over / Deirdre Bair.
Bair, Deirdre.
call number:306.89 BAI
Hmm.
Which leads into what happened last night. I worked during the day as usual, but since I had been out of town for two days I had missed my usual day of working for the college consultant, so we agreed I would come in last night. I had some time to kill between the jobs, so I stopped at the local watering hole and downed a couple glasses of merlot in about ½ an hour.
Got to work and S and I were chatting about what there was that needed to be done and how my trip was. Which led to a discussion about how my daughter and my son are so different, which led to me telling her about my decision to let up on my son and stick with doing nothing for a while.
I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I guess she told me that that isn’t a good idea. And then we got into a whole discussion about my husband and what he is and isn’t doing and how I signed up to be the stay at home mom 20 years ago but didn’t realize that meant that I would be the only parent and I don’t want that arrangement anymore. I already have two children, I don’t need to be parenting the other parent here.
I am tired of doing everything myself. I don’t understand why he gets away with doing nothing and I do everything. Because he makes the money? Well, now I’m working too, and granted I am making a mere fraction of the amount of money he makes, but I still do all of the other stuff too.
On Sunday after the graduation party I cleaned up with whole house and I washed all of the dishes and left them to dry on the counter next to the sink. When I came home late Tuesday night those dishes were still sitting there. Neither my husband nor my son had thought to put them away. The dishwasher was full of clean dishes and no one emptied it. No one but me EVER empties the dishwasher. I know this is not a reason to leave my family, but it is a metaphor for everything that is wrong with the family dynamics.
I told S that when my daughter leaves to go to college I am going to leave home too. I don’t know where that thought came from, but it sounds so appealing.
S said that I really need to tell my husband how I feel, because men are stupid. I told her that I thought he is selfish, and she said yes, he is that too. But I said it is too risky to tell him how I feel. Now I can be in denial that he is just stupid and selfish, but if I tell him how I feel and that I need changes in our relationship in order for me to stay, he might just say he isn’t willing to do that. Knowing the truth is much scarier than being in denial.
I was a mess, crying, sobbing, etc. That’s what I get for drinking before I decide to spill my guts to someone. Woke up this morning with swollen eyes and a pounding head. I’m basically not speaking to my husband at this point. This started the night he told that the doctor said I should call him because mothers are better at this stuff than fathers. It has been a downward spiral since then. I’m ready to get out. I’m done.
Tags: divorce, drinking, husband, work
June 10th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
I’m not sure what to right or how to respond
I do know that the whole dishwasher experience is the same here. I think it all comes down to effective communication. I know someone else pointed out that they didn’t think that family therapy would help, but what do YOU think? Do you think it could open up communication about expectations and needs within your home? It could be the “safe” place to discuss such things.
I know this is going to sound really generalized, but honestly, a lot of the time guys just don’t get it. They need to be flat out told.
No matter what you do Harriet, I really hope you can find some peace about this and your son. I feel ill advised to give you any advice beyond what I’ve written, but know I am thinking of you and wanting the best for you and your family.
June 10th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
I’m so sorry everything is – continues to be – so difficult. I wish there was something more concrete that I could do to help. It sounds like you know that there are no easy answers. Like S and SIS said, sometimes men just do need to be told (women too, for that matter), though it’s been sounding like you’ve tried to talk to your husband for a while now.
I don’t feel at all qualified to give any sort of advice. What I do know is that whatever you decide will be a hard decision and a difficult journey…. I also know that I watched my mom live through a marriage that had many aspects that sound (sound – I know I’m not you) like what you’ve described about yours. My mom filed for divorce in her late 40s. She did so because my father had zero interest in my siblings or my life. My sister and I were in my college and my brother close to it.
My mom thought she would literally have no personal life again – she was almost 50, divorced, three adult kids, the baggage that comes with that…. she met my stepfather through a series of coincidences that still make me shake my head. My father chose to end all communication with my siblings and myself because he was unwilling to put in the time. It was excruciating and devastating…and ultimately a blessing in the way my life shaped up in my own mind. My mom is happier then I’ve ever seen her, and my stepdad is a better dad to me then my father ever was. When I visit them, I feel like I’m visiting a family – something I haven’t felt since I was pretty young.
I’m not saying that you should divorce your husband. I’m just saying that sometimes the scariest things aren’t a given. Not that it makes it any easier, because I know it doesn’t.
The only given I know is that whatever you decide – or hold off on deciding – we’re with you 100%.
June 10th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
I have nothing useful to add. For that I am sorry. I am done too.
June 10th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
This is a tough situation to be in with your son and husband and having no support. I know it’s not much but I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.
June 11th, 2010 at 7:59 am
Sanity – yes, effective communication. I suck at that. I expect people to just help out around the house without my asking them to do specific things. I think they just act dumb so they don’t have to do anything.
Sara – thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that with your father. I hope my husband would never give up his relationships with our kids, but he tends to do what is easiest for him, so it’s hard to say. Your mom sounds inspiring, how brave of her to leave a long marriage. I don’t know if I can do it. I guess it’s better to have something than nothing sometimes.
Grace – thank you, you don’t have to say anything. Just be you.
Lost – thank you, that means a lot to me.