I got out my triple beam balance (doesn’t everyone have one of these?) to use as a visual display of my feelings of worthiness in terms of my parenting skills. Specifically in regard to my son. So I started with 30 pennies on the scale.
They weighed a little over 80 grams.
Then I added and substracted pennies from the pile to see how I would end up. Here we go:
I took care of my son, was a stay at home mom, patient even though he was difficult. +1
Researched his sleep problems, consulted with doctor to get him to sleep +1
Breast fed for 8 weeks +2
Gave up breast feeding after 8 weeks -3
Let him sleep in our bed/room until he was 3 -5
(I’ll cut out the rest of the boring photos until the end)
Recognized his intellectual abilities at a young age and encouraged him +1
Let him start playing video games at 18 months old -3
Convinced the doctor that there was something more wrong with him than chicken pox when he was 2 +3
Took me a week to convince the doctor -3
Got really angry with him once when he was 2 and shook him -5
Worked hard to convince his school in kindergarten that he needed more advanced work +2
Couldn’t get the school to believe me -2
Got him into the gifted and talented program in 1st grade +1
Convinced my husband that was the right school for him +3
Chose a neighborhood with a good school when we moved specifically to get away from our old school +1
When my son was in 4th grade and having problems I couldn’t convince my husband that he needed a different school -3
Did convince my husband to spend the $$ for psych/ed testing +2
Accepted the report of the psychologist even though I questioned the results -3
Tried to get my son special ed services by having many meetings at the school +1
Couldn’t get them to agree that he was eligible for services -1
Repeated this process a few more times over the years +5/-5
Got my son a good therapist for his anxieties +1
Convinced my husband that my son needed antidepressants according to his therapist and psychiatrist +3
Let my son spend too much time playing video and computer games -5
In high school, started my son in therapy again +2
Didn’t quit therapy even though I knew something was wrong -2
Accepted the recommendation of the neuropsych that the therapist recommended -5
Asked her all the right questions during our initial interview +1
Couldn’t get her to understand the concerns I had about the testing and felt she didn’t listen to me -3
Did get her to remove the diagnosis “schizoid personality disorder” out of her report +3
Got my son an IEP +1
Wrote his IEP since the school didn’t do it in their 30 day time requirement and the school accepted it +3
Wrote letters to the school administration when the IEP wasn’t being followed +1
Let him play World of Warcraft -5
Went to my own therapist to get support for getting him off of World of Warcraft +1
Listened to the therapist when he told me to let my son play World of Warcraft because it was good for his self esteem -3
I ended up with 13 pennies:
which weighed 35 grams:
So in the process of raising my son I lost 17 pennies and 45 grams. You know what 17 pennies represents to me? A huge amount of guilt, regret, remorse, sadness, and self hatred. There is no way I could ever repay my son that 17ยข, and the things I did/didn’t do will affect him forever. Now I know that I can’t go back and change anything. All I can do is encourage him and be understanding of him, but I really have to work hard at not letting him get away with things because of my guilt. We do have a great relationship, and he doesn’t blame me for anything as far as I can tell. He’s not a big talker, but he does talk to me occasionally. I’m hoping that our relationship will continue to be a good one as he gets older, and that as he matures and his brain develops he’ll become a successful, kind, happy person.
January 27th, 2009 at 10:17 am
You’ve left me speechless!
So this was an insight into a Mother’s eyes. How strangely sad, I thought, because I am certain you are a wonderful, thoughtful, and loving Mother who does her best.
My parents have one of those, but it’s a lady statue holding the balance. I was intrigued by it as a child – completely!
p.s. Don’t be so hard on yourself; I know, easy said, but it’s true…
January 27th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
That’s so nice of you to say, eshoe. You can’t always be certain of things though, can you? Sometimes you think you’re doing the right thing and it’s not right, and sometimes you try to do the right thing and you can’t. But when you’re a parent it all comes back to you. And if I’m not hard on myself, who will be?