As you know I am a court appointed advocate for a foster child. I began working with him in June 2006 when he was 12. In this time he has lived in four different foster homes, ranging from mediocre to practically abusive. All he ever wanted was to go back to his “mom” – the woman he lived with until he was 7. For some reason she never adopted him, and he was removed from her home due to neglect and emotional abuse. Later there were allegations of sexual abuse from the woman’s adopted daughter, who is 2 years older than him.
This is a very frustrating job. He has a social worker and a case manager along with various other mental health professionals and an assortment of attorneys. He has a guardianship hearing twice a year and we never seem to have the same judge twice. I am never informed about anything, everything that goes on his life I find out by accident. I make recommendations that are ignored, I ask questions and no one gets back to me. I write long court reports that are never read. My child has never lived in my county in any of these homes, he has lived between 30 and 50 miles away, and I have visited him pretty consistently every week over the last four years.
The frustration has been growing. I don’t feel that I do anything for him; I feel that I am extraneous. The one thing I have been is a constant presence, while the social workers, case managers, attorneys, therapists, doctors and families come and go, I have been there. That is really all I could ever offer him. My supervisor tries to convince me of my value, but I know that is her job.
In August he moved back in with his “mom”. He is so happy now. I have only seen him twice since he moved, which is another frustration. His foster mother, his high school schedule, his social life, all have made it very difficult to see him. I came to a soccer game that he was playing in two weeks ago.
Finally tonight I had an appointment to visit him at home. I drove an hour and a half in rush hour traffic to see him. I got to his house and he wasn’t there. His “grandmother” told me that his soccer game from last night was canceled and rescheduled for tonight. I called his foster mother and she told me that they are at the high school. So I drove over there and there she was, happy as a clam. She told me that she found out last night about the game today, and “I didn’t even think about you girl!” That’s ok, this is not the first time this has happened. I can’t even tell you how many times I have driven 50 miles to see him and he is not where he is supposed to be and I was not informed of a change of plans. I am used to it and I don’t take it personally.
But the frustration is getting to me, and I think it is time to throw in the towel. I swore I would not leave my child until he turned 18, and I never would have left him if he was in one of the previous three homes. But he is finally with his “mom”, he is happy, he even introduced us to his girlfriend at the game tonight. He is doing well in school, taking college courses in 11th grade. I emailed my supervisor saying that I would like to talk to her about resigning.
I don’t feel good about this though. I made a commitment, and I hate to back out. Granted when I made that commitment I wasn’t working nearly as many hours as I am now, but that is just an excuse. Plenty of people who work full time are advocates. I am angry at myself for not being to stick this out for two more years. I really do think my frustration will be detrimental at this point though. I know my supervisor will try to talk me out of it; she will try to convince me yet again of my importance. Frankly I don’t think he even needs an advocate anymore, especially since no one involved in the case takes the job of the advocate seriously. And it is the social worker who requests that the child have an advocate, yet she is the one who totally ignores me. Of course, it was four social workers ago that the advocate was requested.
Now I think I am punishing myself. I came home, and I was really hungry. But I got on the scale and I reached the weight I think is my limit for the day, since I ate too much earlier in the day. So I made a low calorie/high protein dinner that did little to dissipate my hunger. I told myself I could have one glass of wine, but I’m not even having that. I’ve gotten into the habit of having one or two (or three) glasses of wine a night, and I don’t want drinking to be a habit.
And my training schedule calls for me to run 7 miles tomorrow morning, so it is a good thing not to be drinking tonight. But I really think I am doing it to punish myself. This is just another example of me not being good enough. And being selfish. A real pity party here, want to come? I don’t advise that you do, it’s not much fun.
Hi Harriet,
Have you asked the boy if he likes having you around? I’m not sure what the role of the advocate is but his views would weigh with me.
It sounds like you’ve done a lot – and if you think that you are not being valued and making a difference then there is no point continuing that I can see.
oh, this sounds really difficult and troubling. you’re trying to do what’s right and best — please don’t punish YOU.
i agree with Evan. what does the boy want? what is best for the boy?
i’m know you were there when it was really important. and having someone really care about him when others weren’t is just the best thing you could have done for him.
it’s your decision. whatever you decide is just fine.
what is best for you, all things considered?
I am unfamiliar with child advocates or anything of the sort…but I feel for you in the difficulty of making the decision to leave or not.
Is having an advocate necessary any longer? You said he was removed from this mom because of neglect….so have things changed now or ..?
Evan – I have not asked him. At his age, right now, he could take or leave me. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. He is happy with his mom, and that is all he ever wanted. Before he needed me more, as someone he could vent to, and I bought him lunch once a week so he didn’t have to eat the food from the school cafeteria!
Melissa – I don’t think it should be up to the boy actually, but what is best for him? I’m not sure right now. What is best for me? Probably not to have this frustration in my life right now, but that is awfully selfish.
Sanity – Good call, about the neglect issue. Yes, he was removed from her home 9 years ago, but in the meantime she was approved as an adoptive parent for another child. People change. For the past year he has had communication with her via mail, then supervised visitation. She has had background checks, home checks, etc. The case manager and the therapist visit the home once a week, and the social worker visits once a month. I haven’t gotten into the home yet and he has been there since the third week of August. So I’m not doing much anyway.
He’s 16. He’s got 2 yrs until he’s legally emancipated. But he’s old enough for you to talk to him about the relationship you have, and he’s definitely got a connection to you.
You have been there for him week in and week out for FOUR years. That’s amazing, for both of you.
What are the other choices other than stopping entirely?
[however, if you are burnt out, then stopping would be right. It's an intense role you've taken on]
Is is OK to stay his advocate and only visit once per month, or twice per month?
Does the school have your contact info, and are you allowed to call and ask about him?
Can you find out the contact number for the soccer coach, so the coach could contact *you* if it looks like the situation has changed for some reason?
I’m asking if there are other ways for you to continue to advocate for him, be a solid, safe adult for him, that do not require you to go in person?
It’s a new phase for both of you!
Hillary – I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to talk to the child about the possibility of resigning. There are a lot of rules in this job. I am allowed to visit twice a month, but the problem with that is if something happens and I show up and he isn’t there, or if his foster mother cancels at the last minute, it is really hard to reschedule and I might end up seeing him less than every 2 weeks. I can’t see him less than once every 2 weeks. At least when I had an meeting with him every week, missing one here or there wasn’t so bad.
I am allowed to talk to the school, but I highly doubt the soccer coach would call me about game changes. The solution to this particular problem is that I should just call the foster mother the day of my appointment to be sure everything is still planned. That was my mistake in not doing that this week.
And no, advocating requires that I see him in person, at home and at school, and that I see his foster mother as well.
I have a lot of thoughts and emotions about this swirling around in my crazy brain and lots of little girls of various ages who also have things to say. I had someone like you in my life when I was growing up – not exactly a court appointed advocate but a “Harriet” who was there for me. A “constant” object who I’m sure got tired after a while.
I’m not sure because I don’t know all of the details of the case and dealing with all of this in general with everything else going on in your life has to be so overwhelming and incredibly frustrating for you. My gosh! Driving all that way so often and not to be told there was a change of plans and such flippant excuses and replies. And I’m sure he doesn’t always show appreciation for you either, hello – a teenager. I do wonder what his thoughts are tho – but on the other hand I also wonder if you asked him if he would be honest about his thoughts and “feelings” – being a teenage boy and all…such a difficult place for you to be in. I’m sorry….
Grace – I’m not tired of my foster child at all. He is great. He is the only great thing about this whole thing, and that is what makes the decision difficult.