Yesterday I lied to J, my therapist, about what my supervisor said to me when I told her I was resigning. I felt bad about lying, but I didn’t want him to know that she said good things about me. I didn’t want him to have “evidence” that maybe I am good at the hotline. I’m sure she said nice things because that is what you do when an employee/volunteer leaves. What are you going to say, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out?” So she said nice things.
But I felt badly about lying so I sent him an email apologizing and I copied her email so that he could see what she said about me. Then he sent me an email in response saying, “I imagine you being very competent at just about everything you take on. No worries about the “lie”.”
Yes, that is me! Competent at everything I take on. I am the supreme competent human being. I have been told by friends, “You are the most competent person I know!” Yay for me!
Being so competent means that people always ask me to do things (and they know I’ll never say no). It means people never ask me if I need help. It means that even though I look functional at all times, no one would ever suspect that something might be wrong. It means that I can’t ask for help, or ever seem incompetent, because that would destroy the appearance, the illusion.
When my son was in school I tried to get him an individualized education plan (special education). I started this process when he was in 4th grade and finally succeeded in the second half of his 11th grade (too late for it to be useful). The line I used that finally made an impression on the administration was that my son had “an illusion of competency”. His intelligence was able to compensate for his learning disabilities for that long. But he wasn’t competent, despite what every teacher believed.
It sucks to be thought of as competent in everything one does. Where does that leave room for mistakes, for imperfection, for the occasional bout of laziness? I know that people mean it as a compliment, no one intends to be hurtful when they say someone is competent. But I think it is an overstatement to say that I am competent in everything I take on. I obviously am not so competent at therapy. And what does competent mean anyway? It’s a subjective term. To some it might mean “good enough”, to others it might mean being an expert. J didn’t just say I was competent, he said I was “very” competent. At just about everything I take on. Yay me.
And why did he put the word “lie” in quotation marks? Perhaps he thinks my lie wasn’t a lie. I sometimes lie by omission, and that may not be considered lying. But this was a definite lie. He didn’t ask why I lied, I wonder if he is wondering about that. He doesn’t do therapy via email, and I appreciate that. Too easy to get everything screwed up. But I’m sure he won’t ever ask me about it. I will probably bring it up in the future though.
In the meantime, I am going to continue competently doing my work and then I will go home and competently make my son dinner, and then perhaps I will competently go for a walk (I am a very competent walker). Finally I plan to competently fold the laundry and competently put it away. Makes for a very competent day.
It’s hard when you can’t see the good things about yourself, though competent is a weird word to describe someone as. I would imagine a guess that J is trying to be encouraging.
Things about kids (and by extension adults I believe) is that if you tell them that they can’t do something, chances are that they will live up to those expectations. More children will fail than rebound and do the opposite.
If you tell children they are capable of things that are, in actuality, just beyond their current abilities, it helps children to rise into those qualities because there is a positive expectation.
Maybe J is trying to display his positive expectation that you will feel competent?
Here, usually an IEP is pushed by the teachers and not by parents. Often, the struggle is to get the parents on board. The process is very long and requires psychologists, testings, meetings and more meetings, before anything can even begin in terms of creating an alternative curriculum plan for a student. So, because you were the one who saw issues for your son and the teachers didn’t, I fully believe and understand that it took that long! How horrible!
sanity – oh I definitely think J meant it to be a positive thing. I mean, it is true. I know I am competent. I definitely wouldn’t like it if he told me “Oh your supervisor just said those nice things because you are leaving. You probably suck at the hotline!” Can you imagine? LOL! And I know he really believes that I am good at the hotline and that I am competent. I know he isn’t lying, or just saying it to make me feel better. I just have a thing about being competent. I’ll have to delve into this some more to figure it out.
As for an IEP, they are NEVER pushed by the teachers. Because if they are, then the school has to pay for the testing, and they don’t want to do that. So they have to put up with kids not doing well, knowing they need help, and not offering any help. The parents must initiate. The process is very long here too, especially since the school system isn’t cooperative.
I’m shocked about what you said about IEP’s.
It is so different here, though, not to make Canada and my province sound lofty, we take education very seriously and take it on as a responsibility of all involved.
Totally sucks to hear that it isn’t like that there.
I envy your competent day.
But, “lie” means “I’m a therapist and I can usually tell when someone is totally truthful, partially truthful, telling the thing they wish was true, totally lying, avoiding, resisting, and so on”
On the IEP – I’m glad my friend with the autistic son told me the straight story on IEP and accommodations before I started on the path with my kid. You ask for the moon, and maybe get a NASA sticker.
“Being so competent means that people always ask me to do things (and they know I’ll never say no). It means people never ask me if I need help. It means that even though I look functional at all times, no one would ever suspect that something might be wrong. It means that I can’t ask for help, or ever seem incompetent, because that would destroy the appearance, the illusion.”
why does looking competent mean that you HAVE to never say no? can you ask for help = no one minds if you do, unless they’re a horrible mean person. why does looking competent mean you can’t ask for help? you don’t seem to really like looking completely competent all the time anyway?
i know these are tough questions and asking for help and saying no are very, very hard for you.
i always feel completely incompetent. NO ONE would ever say i was competent. you should see me on the computer at work! in general, i would use the word “uncoordinated.” i wonder what it would be like to be considered competent.
Hillary – I am sorry if you did not have a competent day. Mine turned out to be not as competent as I had hoped – no walk, no folding or putting away of laundry. I did make a cake though. And wrote a story. As for the “lie”, I really don’t think my t can tell any of those things. He’s not competent at that.
Lissy – I can’t ask for help or say no because that is what I was taught during my entire childhood. For some reason, those lessons trump logic. Hopefully therapy will help with this, and I think it is helping actually. But with my mother constantly negating whatever I learn in therapy it makes it difficult. A mother is always a mother.
As for feeling incompetent vs being incompetent. You say you feel incompetent. That doesn’t mean you are. So you can’t use a computer? I can’t sell anything! I couldn’t sell ice to an eskimo. Well, that’s probably not a good example because he might not need ice. But you know what I mean. I really wonder if no one would ever say you are competent.
Yes, logically I know that I am competent in just about everything I do. But I don’t FEEL competent. Because I never think I’m good enough.
That was probably the point I was trying to make here, but badly.
Hi Harriet, compliments can be just as confining as criticisms can’t they?
I do wonder when you give yourself a break.
I’m betting that J can tell when someone lies. He just cannot intuit the reason for the lie, nor will he challenge the person with his observation that it is, perhaps, a lie.
Some clients probably like it that way.
Evan – yes they can. And they are judgmental as well. I thought therapists aren’t supposed to be judgmental. As for a break – what’s that? :-)
Hillary – maybe. I’m not convinced. I’ll ask him if he knew I was lying.