For some reason I feel badly about talking about feeling badly. How is that for guilt and shame? I had a great weekend. But is there some kind of rebound effect? Last night I crashed. I shouldn’t have watched the Biggest Loser. It was makeover week (this was Tivo’d from earlier in the week – I catch up on TV on weekends), and the contestants’ families surprised them at the fashion show. There is one woman, Ada, whose family is not supportive. During home video week, every family sent a video to their contestant, except her. She did not get a video. This week, her family did not come to surprise her, but her best friend did, whew! I got very emotional seeing the reunions between the contestants and their families, and very anxious worrying about who would be there for Ada. I was so glad her friend was able to come be with her. Yes, it is a TV show. I tend to get overly involved, can you tell?
Someone posted on their blog recently about life, and meaning, and purpose, and feeling an empty void. I had told my t once that I felt like there was an open wound inside of me. We talked about this at a session in April and this is what I wrote on my blog that day:
He said he wanted to talk more about the “open wound” that I wrote about in my email. He said he thinks of it as an emptiness or a void. Thinking about that I have to disagree. There is a difference between a wound and void. A void is what is left after the wound heals. We talked about where that wound might have come from and I said I have no idea. I have never suffered any trauma, so I am not even justified in feeling wounded.
I’m not sure if I have moved on from wound to void. But one night last week I was leaving work, pulling out of my boss’s driveway, and I thought to myself, “Why am I going home? There is nothing there for me.” I thought the same thing tonight. But tonight there really is nothing here, my husband and son are at a hockey game. And actually I prefer when they are not here, because then the reason I am alone is because I am alone. When they are here I am alone because we have no connection. No connection with my son in the evenings, because he is in his room with the door closed, watching a hockey game and on the computer. No connection with my husband because we have no connection at all.
What do I do at night? I either pick up some food for my husband and son, or make them some dinner. Then I make myself something to eat (I don’t eat what they eat), pour some wine, and catch up on blogs and email, and try to respond to as many of my friends as I can. I also try to catch my daughter on line and have a bit of a chat with her. I write on my blog, or write something for my writing class. I have some more wine. Once in a while I go do some work for someone at night. I never reach out to a friend to go out to dinner, something I used to do very often. I try to read before bed, but I have trouble concentrating.
Someone mentioned a “lifeless” life. That is what I have. I am alive, obviously. But I don’t feel like I am living.
I tried to pass it off to hormones. I have been bleeding for 19 days (sorry guys, if you are reading this and are squeamish about female disorders). I called my gynecologist and told him my symptoms, and how I am lethargic, gaining weight, tired, blah blah. He said, “We try to blame everything on hormones and cure everything with hormones.” He did say he is not trying to minimize my symptoms, but since I take birth control pills my problems can’t be due to hormones. Oh well.
Guess what else I did today? I started Wellbutrin again. Well, pdoc has been suggesting going back on anti-depressants the last two times I saw her. I checked my blog and I was on Wellbutrin from October 2009 until January 2010, when the side effects got too overwhelming. I’ll give it another try, I’m going to try to stick it out three months and see how I feel. It’s the only anti-depressant I will use.
I had such a good weekend. I guess I want that every day. I know that is too much to ask. Having that feeling a couple of times a year – is that enough to warrant living? It doesn’t seem so. A lifeless life – that is what I have.
Hi Harriet,
I know what you mean about feeling bad about feeling bad, but good that you write about it anyway, I think.
19 days is an awfully long time regardless of hormones isn’t it? Did the doctor catch that part of what you told him/her?
I hope that you have some more good days and I think that your effort to pay attention to it and do something about it will pay off
(((Harriet)))
I’m sorry too.
But I don’t agree w/your dr. hormones or not, I don’t think you should be bleeding for 19 days on the pill.
grace/myst – yes, the doctor told me what to do about the bleeding, I didn’t write about that part of the conversation. If it doesn’t stop or if it starts again I have to get some testing done. He didn’t say that the hormones weren’t the cause of the bleeding, he said the hormones aren’t the cause of the other symptoms. Sorry to have been unclear, he is a very good doctor!
I can relate to the guilt about feeling bad. Incredibly terrible cycle to go through over and over. I think that everyone wants to have those perfect days every day. I honestly think socializing helps to improve so-so days into good days, though I don’t do much of it myself. makes things much worse, but hey, doesn’t mean any of us change right? I know that for me, if I hadn’t started blogging, one of two things would have happened.
A- I would have rejoined the social world
B – I would have offed myself
So positives and negatives….I think someone once told me that it’s learning how to balance between between ups and downs vs. just focussing on one or the other.
Blah blah blah….
19 days….oh my goodness. I definitely feel for you. Do you have major side effects commonly related to it? Cramps, back pain, bloating, etc? When I was super young I had one run into the next over and over before I started the pill to regulate it out. It is terrible! I hope things get sorted out.
Can I ask why you will only try Wellbutrin? Any particular reason? (I’ve never said this word out loud, but when I read it, I’ve always said “Well-i-bur-ton” in my mind. Haha, not even close!)
I especially feel shame when I feel bad after going through a situation where I feel so good. It’s kind of like a drastic change in weather: If it goes from warm to cold too quickly, I often get sick.
As you know, I’ve been questioning my life recently as well. I know this is going to be a downer, but the lyrics to a Radiohead song keep coming to mind: “I’m not living, I’m just killing time.” Sorry, just being honest.
Sanity – Yeah, it is a cycle. I wish the highs and lows could be more in moderation. Do you see yourself rejoining the social world soon? Do you have a plan as to how to do that? I don’t see it happening for me anytime soon. As for the 19 days (now it’s 20!), I have some bloating on and off, no cramps or pain. It’s not heavy. Hopefully it will end soon, I’m following the doc’s directions.
As for Wellbutrin – it is the only AD that doesn’t cause me to gain weight. It’s in a different class than the ones like zoloft and lexapro. But I also get side effects from it, so it’s not perfect. I like Well-i-burton!
Mike – yes, there is an element of shame in it, definitely. I should be happy for the good times, some people have NO good times at all. And then how dare I feel bad afterwards? Boo on me.
My son is big fan of Radiohead, I always tell him that their music is too morose for me. But I’ll have to check that song out.
If you want something a little more upbeat have you heard Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros? My son goes to see them whenever they are in town, and I downloaded their album. It’s more perky than Radiohead, although sticking knives in my eyes would be more perky than Radiohead. Don’t listen to that stuff!
You know what makes me sad though? You are a young guy – in your early twenties? I’m sad that you are questioning your life at such a young age when “you have so much to live for, so much ahead of you” and all that bullshit “they” say to young people. I’m 50, so I did most of my living, and it’s ok for my life to be over now. I hope you find the help you need, a way to fill your own personal void, a way to have hope for the future.
And never apologize for being honest.
I’d actually suggest not checking the song out, because it is especially depressing. It usually triggers crying for me, which helps me release emotions, instead of suppressing like I normally do. So it can be good. It’s called “True Love Waits.”
I’m listening to Edward Sharpe right now. I’m liking it.
Late twenties, actually. I don’t think it’s ever too early to question your life. In fact, if more people learned how to question things in school, via dialectics, we’d probably be living in a much better world.
Mike – thank you for the warning, I’ll take heed. You’re right, questioning your life can be good. Most people just go along doing their merry thing, destroying the planet, hurting people, etc. But I thought you are questioning in a more “should I end my life” kind of way, rather than in a “what can I change about my life to make it better” way. That’s me projecting my thoughts onto you! Therapy taught me that I do that. I’m sorry!
Hey, not to worry, I’m not questioning in that way; it’s more like I’m just trying to understand why there is such a profound void in me, and why I filter things the way I do. I set myself up for this type of questioning. Sometimes I think it serves me, but other times I know I take it too far. It’s less about whether I should end my life, and more about what’s the point of life.
If you have been bleeding for 19 days it is no wonder you are feeling drained. I really think you need to get this checked out. Taking birth control pills may be what is interfering with your hormones.
I hope with your t you can figure out the lifelessness stuff. There is life in what you write on your blog.
Sending you best wishes through the ether.
Evan – yeah, good point. Losing blood can do that to a person. I sometimes neglect to see the obvious. If it doesn’t stop this week after following my doc’s instructions I have to go in for some tests.
That is such an interesting comment you made – “There is life in what you write on your blog.” Do you think so? I was talking to my t today about how I don’t like to talk about my life, and later I realized that maybe it is because there is no life in my life, and I don’t want to be embarrassed by how dismal my life is.
I am quite fascinated by that comment. I have to think about it some more. Thank you.