Lately many friends and others on the internet have been writing about Bill Zeller, a 27 year old victim of child sexual abuse who committed suicide this month. His suicide letter is available everywhere on the internet, just google him if you would like to read it. He started writing it a year ago, and had been thinking about his suicide for that long.
Here is an excerpt from The Daily Princetonian on January 7, 2011:
Friends and colleagues said they were shocked by the note’s contents.
“Even to us, his closest friends here, we didn’t know about 80 percent of what he wrote in the note or how he was feeling,” said Harlan Yu GS, one of Zeller’s roommates for the past two years. “I never had any hints living with him for a year and half that this was what he was experiencing on a daily basis. That’s why it was so shocking that he could have hid it so well … Reading the note it was in his voice, but the things that he was saying is such a far cry from everything that we knew about him.”
In contrast to the troubled person portrayed in the note, those closest to him remembered Zeller as a brilliant programmer, talented chef, devoted Boston Red Sox fan and someone who put his friends first.
“One of the hardest parts for me to read in all that was the fact that he didn’t seem to see himself as being a good person. He just went out of his way so many times for me that there’s no way you could have faked what he was doing or who he was,” said Joe Calandrino GS, a close friend who worked with Zeller on a number of computer science projects. “He showed a level of caring that I don’t think I see out of most people. And I don’t know how he could have even achieved that.”
While at Princeton, Zeller conducted computer security research at the Center for Information Technology Policy under his adviser Ed Felten, a computer science and Wilson School professor and director of CITP.
During that time, Zeller completed several high-profile projects. He and Felten published research exposing serious security vulnerabilities of websites such as The New York Times, YouTube and ING Direct. Zeller also co-authored an influential paper arguing for increased government transparency online.
When asked to discuss Zeller’s work, however, colleagues focused on the dozens of smaller projects that he completed in the past few years, which ranged from the practical — such as Graph Your Inbox, a tool to analyze and visualize Gmail activity over time — to IsItChristmas.com, which reads “no” 364 days of the year.
“I think he was just one of the most creative people that I knew,” Yu said. “A lot of the software he did certainly touched millions of people. He was always coming up with ingenious ideas that would often be funny and practical and also useful to those around him.”
“He would come up with an idea and he would dedicate his next week just because he was so motivated and excited about building something that lots of people could use, that people would find useful,” he added.
Before coming to Princeton, Zeller had already established himself as a young star in computer programming.
As a sophomore at Trinity College, where he graduated with honors in computer science in 2006, Zeller created myTunes, a free program that allows music purchased from iTunes to be downloaded to other computers. It was downloaded more than 3 million times.
Other early work included the open-source blogging platform Zempt, which has since been integrated into the widely used Moveable Type blog software.
“Bill’s work really grew out of his basic approach to life and to his interactions with his friends and colleagues, which was to look for concrete things he could do that could help people,” said Felten, who is serving in a yearlong post in Washington as the Federal Trade Commission’s chief technologist and returned to campus after the incident. On Thursday, Felten published a post in tribute to Zeller on the CITP blog, Freedom to Tinker.
Felten also emphasized Zeller’s commitment to mentoring undergraduates.
“I might not be in computer science but for him. He definitely had a major impact on my life, and I know that he’s had a major impact on a lot of others,” said Jennifer King ’11, who became a close friend of Zeller’s after he advised her work at a campus summer research program. “He’s not someone that I will ever forget because he was so instrumental in directing my life here. He’s not going to disappear into oblivion, which I think is one of the most important signs of a great life.”
According to friends, once Zeller set a goal, he would not rest until he was finished. “Once he decided he wanted to do something, he was almost obsessive with his desire to complete that and see it through,” said Joal Mendonsa, Zeller’s sophomore-year roommate at Trinity. “He basically wrote [myTunes] in a month without really sleeping. He would decide to work out more and would work out every single day for the next seven months.”
In his note, Zeller wrote that intense computer coding allowed him to escape his troubled thoughts for brief periods.
“As a computer scientist, he was an implementer; he was a doer,” King said. “He had this unbelievable creativity that allowed him to come up with crazy ideas, but then he’d actually go and do the crazy ideas, which is something that a lot of people don’t necessarily [do]. Those two qualities aren’t necessarily found in the same person.”
He was also heavily involved in the Graduate Student Government and chaired its facilities committee. “GSG is just one place among many on campus where Bill had many friends and will be missed,” said Kevin Collins, GSG president.
Jeff Dwoskin GS ’10, who co-chaired the facilities committee with Zeller last year, said Zeller’s many contributions included creating a program that tracked University shuttles’ locations and noted whether they were on schedule, a project he completed in a day.
“That was kind of his style, just to do something and make it work in a timeframe that was unbelievable to anyone else. He always impressed us with his ideas and abilities, no matter what the task,” Dwoskin said.
Zeller set himself apart from fellow graduate students in the number of people he reached with his work. “Grad school is the kind of place where you do work that only a few people see or you develop an idea so you can write about it and get it published, but he went the extra step to get things to the public that people used, real tools that had many real users. That’s something that a lot of graduate students can’t say,” said Ari Feldman GS, who worked with Zeller at CITP.
Posts about Zeller’s death on the prominent technology blog Gizmodo and the online community MetaFilter have drawn hundreds of comments, including testimony from those who use his programs.
Despite the positive impact Zeller had on his friends and those who used his programs, he wrote in his note that he chose to end his life to stop hurting those around him, as well as to end 23 years of pain caused by childhood sexual abuse.
“Maybe there’s nothing that could have been done,” said Joseph Hall, a postdoctoral researcher at CITP. “But I like to think in some parallel universe there’s a Bill Zeller out there who found a way to begin to heal himself. It’s a great loss for us.”
Sounds like a real competent guy, doesn’t he? He could do everything! And he did everything well, and quickly, and cheerfully, and wanted to help people. People were “impressed” by him. No one would ever think there was anything wrong with him, because he was so “competent” and “impressive”. He was larger than life.
After being competent and impressive for so long, how could a person reveal what is really going on? And let people down? No way. Better to just suffer in silence until you can’t take it anymore, and then just end it.
Unfortunately his death was not very easy. I am not sure how Bill attempted to end his life, but he was left on life support for three days, until it was determined that the best thing to do was to remove him from this artificial way of living and allow him to do what he wanted to do – die.
I hate giving unasked for advice. But if you know someone who is incredibly competent, someone who you are constantly impressed by, you might want to ask him every once in a while – “Hey, are you ok?” Ask him what he is thinking about, ask him what makes him sad or anxious or fearful. Tell him it’s ok to be less than perfect with you, that you don’t need to be impressed by him, that the fact that he is a human being gives him value in your eyes. That’s all.
Maybe the problem lies in that outsiders who see people who are competent and successfully don’t think of asking the “Are you okay?” question because it looks like they are.
are you okay, harriet?
this is odd — when i worry that you’re struggling, i think to suggest that you talk to your pdoc. perhaps because i gravitate to women? i don’t know, but i sense that she could give you the emotional support it sounds like you might need. that’s just what goes thru my head — i have no idea that i’m right.
did you relate to Zeller — you’re so creative and capable AND so kind to others?
Hi Harriet,
You sound angry at a cruel world! I’m sorry!
I hope you’re okay.
Where do you get the idea that we depend on you to be [perfect]? Perhaps that idea comes from your past?
I think that is pretty good advice, Taking time out to listen to people will do us all much good I think.
sanity – exactly. Which is why people should ask.
melissa – i am fine. I’m not sure what emotional support is exactly. I hear those words a lot. I can’t compare my life to Zeller’s at all – he had a horrible childhood of abuse. I had a really good childhood. I just don’t understand why competency is a good judge of mental wellness.
Laura – I think a world where adults abuse children is a very shitty world indeed. I’m surprised more people aren’t angry about it, perhaps if people routinely expressed outrage about this then innocent people like Bill Zeller would feel more open about getting help, rather than feeling shame and pain and hate towards themselves and feeling like the only way out is suicide.
Evan – Listening is a good thing. Asking questions can be good too.
I doubt there is anger enough to assure someone in his shoes that “the world” understands. He clearly had caring people in his circle, and people who loved him. It seems inconceivable that he could feel so isolated by what happened to him, in this day and age. There are (sadly) people everywhere who’ve been molested, and surely they find each other and the people who want to help, on the internet – anonymously, if necessary. Ultimately, he had to take a step on his own behalf, to save himself… don’t you think?
Harriet, I don’t think you sound angry, perhaps sad? Or maybe I’m projecting my own sadness onto you?
I also posted about Bill Zeller. I felt an incredible amount of sadess when I read his letter as I could have written half of it myself.
Laura, Yes, *sadly* there are people everywhere who have been (whisper) molested. I am one of thsoe people. And yes, we do sometimes “find” other “people like us”. But! And that is a big BUT! There are obviously reasons why he felt he couldn’t reach out for help (in fact, if you’ve read his letter, he actually calls out some of those reasons and fears of being judged by others who had judged him in the past). Speaking as someone who is college educated and successful, a child abuse survivor, and someone who has been involved in the mental health system for many years – I understand his decision to “not tell” as well as his thought that suicide was his only way out of his darkness. I don’t judge him – and I hope he is now at peace.
Believe me, the world doesn’t understand – the mental health community is not trained to listen, but instead push drugs and mindfullness bs – and the system designed to “protect” our children is broken.
“Sad” but True…all the “love” in the world can’t give back what was taken away from him. Bill Zeller did save himself – the only way he knew how.
Hi Laura, an example might help to understand how the isolation can happen.
A friend of mine was raped by her father when young. She went to a religious school. One day in class she said, “I hate my Dad.” The teacher told her she shouldn’t say such things.
This is in Australia. Perhaps things are better in the US. But this is the kind of thing that can so easily happen and that leads to people not speaking.
hi Grace,
thanks for your comment. I suspect you were offended by my post. I did read his letter, and I’m sorry if my response seemed glib. It seems as if the ‘net would have offered a safe way to start to connect – anonymously – with other survivors, to learn from their (survivable) post-abuse lives, perhaps find hope, confidence in himself and in others.
I wish that had been the case.
Hi Laura, Thanks, I wasn’t offended, it just seemed as though you didn’t “understand” so I thought perhaps I could offer some insight from a “survivor” perspective. I don’t know if you’ve spent much time perusing the on-line survivor community, but most “survivors” of incest/ritual abuse/sexual abuse spend 15, 20, maybe more, years in therapy…perhaps still dont “trust” anyone. Many get saddled with “labels” of personality disorders (particularly *BPD*) if they’re honest about they’re “feelings” of emptiness and self-hatred because of what was done TO them. Most have severe attachment disorders and are unable to build lasting relationships.
I would never tell anyone “IRL” about my past. Ever! To people “IRL” I live the american dream. The house in the suburbs, the husband, the 2 kids, the golden retriever and the house in the suburb. I have a successful career as a senior executive managing over 200 people – for all they know I was born with a platinum spoon in my mouth. Because I was designed more for public than for private. A lot of us were…we learned at a young age how to act, how to hide. But I cry myself to sleep every single night. I feel the same darkness and filth that Bill speaks of in his letter. I wish I would have never told any therapist about my past. And honestly, if I had not married and had children, I would have killed myself a long time ago too. Yes, the pain is that bad. And no, no one understand. The “post-abuse life” – on the outside – it’s beautiful…just as everyone saw Bill – they see me…inside – it’s still the same. Because inside, my abuser is still here every single night. How I wish I could make him go away.
Harriet,
I’m so sorry for hijacking your blog – I’ll shut up now.
Just to add to the discussion — it’s also the case that the shame factor for male survivors of sex abuse is off the scale. It’s very difficult for women as well, as Grace cogently describes above — survivors of child abuse frequently have huge attachment/trust issues, and are frequently judged when they try to reach out, even to other survivors. Men have the added stigma of societal expectations of strength and stoicism, and the added thing that men are usually perceived to be the “dominant” gender sexually, so there’s an additional layer of difficulty in admitting to vulnerability and abuse, even anonymously online.
Amazing though it might be that someone like Bill Zeller could feel isolated and alone, it’s even more amazing, to me, that survivors of abuse judge and manipulate each other … and yet I’ve seen it repeatedly in supposedly “safe” online commmunities.
Trust is hard to build — and with good reason.
thanks David, Grace for your thoughtful comments.
I’m trying to grasp the level of mistrust for (apparently) EVERYONE. Not only the people you know who MAY (or may not) have let you down, but also for the people you don’t know – which makes it a waste of time to keep trying, and isolation into a death sentence. and the perceived need to maintain a brilliant and attractive facade.
I know firsthand (and I hope we all do) that there ARE people who CAN be trusted, and that there are a few great therapists out there, with the power to heal. I know that Mr Zeller was tragically wrong in his belief, although I grope to understand why he believed it, even why he NEEDED to believe it.
“I know that Mr Zeller was tragically wrong in his belief” Judgements like this one are exactly why “people like Bill Zeller” do not come forward. I believe you just answered your own questions, Laura. Congratulations!
Please explain how this is a judgment, Grace.
If he believed that the world was flat, would I be judging him to say that he was wrong in his belief?
Any good therapist would work to alter his belief that no one could be trusted with his truth.
I will try to do what you suggest, take a look below the surface of that competent person and ask “Everything going OK? Really?” I also feel entitled to do this as part of my campaign for work-life balance for all :-)
@David, I totally echo the idea that there is a way that men are “supposed” to act that can be a trap. My husband works in a related field to Mr. Zeller’s field; it’s a real don’t ask, don’t tell world about all things, the past, present, feelings and emotions. Not a group that would do the “Hey, how are you doing, really?” kind of question, and there are basically no women in this world who might ask.
dona nobis pacem +
No, Laura, you would not be judging Mr. Zeller if he stated that the world was flat and you challenged his belief. But this is NOT about the world in its physical sense. It is about something else entirely. Grace is NOT saying that she is glad Mr. Zeller is dead, she is saying that she understands what drove him and that she feels compassion for his soul and has no need to judge him. IF ONLY he could have found this while still alive!! But it is much harder to find than you might think if your story is horrifying enough. The poor man couldn’t even trust those who he thought were his friends when he confided in them about being unsure of his sexual orientation!!
And David makes an EXCELLENT point. Very unreasonable and inhuman expectations are put upon male survivors. And as the mother of a male survivor — THIS JUST PISSES ME OFF!!!! My boy is just as valuable as any female survivor. He is just as precious as any other person. If nothing else, if he needs to tell others and they reject him, he can come to me. I will always value him and never think he should react a certain way (inhuman) just because he has testicles. Men are valuable, too. Some people understand that a person is a HUMAN BEING before they are a male or a female and that we ALL have equal rights. I really do wonder how much the ‘gender card’ played into this awful tragedy. And yet… women do it all the time, too. It really can be hard to find TRULY HONEST support. As someone who has been horribly betrayed by a ‘supporter’, I know this for fact and will NEVER, EVER forget it. No matter how much I would like to.
Thank you Lynn, well stated, as usual. I was unable to continue our dialogue yesterday due to unexpected treatment…never dull at the ski lodge.
When you are violated repeatedly by those who are supposed to love and protect you, and then again violated by someone in the “helping profession”…it isn’t as simple as “reframing” a belief.
Take this situation: a girl is brutally raped and beaten by her father beginning at age 5. And her mother tells her daily she hates her and she wishes she was never born.
The girl grows up believing she is worthless and bad. She enters therapy as an adult several times…finally seems to find a therapist who may be able to help her. Therapist truly seems to care, works hard to get the girl to trust her. (gives the girl permission to email, cks in several times per week with the girl). Suddenly, after 2 years therapist’s personal life changes and she no longer has time to check in with the girl, however the girl is just now dealing with her abandonment issues and the new boundaries feel like abandonment, so her self destructive coping skills get worse becuz her self blame and hate resurface full force! In reaction to this “trusted therapist” tells girl she can no longer work with her until she gets her behavior under control. In girl’s mind, therapist now hates girl becuz therapist sees girl as bad. Girl should have never trusted therapist or told therapist about the abuse becuz therapist “liked” the girl before. Girl now reconfigure in her belief no one can be trusted. And she is bad. Girl plans suicide.
Tell me how to reframe that scene? I have seen it play out in the survivor community more times than I can count.
As you know, Grace, there is no way to reframe that for the little child inside without massive amounts of help. It is what it was. And there is so much of the same out there on offer in therapies. Some people {Mr. Zeller?} can sense it and some others (us) get blindsided. Those who never risk baring their souls will never understand the danger. Not until it happens to them or until they somehow become conscious enough to sense what is really around them among the majority. I hope Mr. Zeller rests in peace and that those of us still alive can find real hope.
It sounds to me as if you think that beliefs are the same as facts.
Someone might believe that because one, two or three people abused and/or betrayed her, that no one can be trusted. That doesn’t make it a fact.
In your example, Grace, you use the same word (violated) to equate what the abuser did (a fact) and what the therapist did (a belief).
Perhaps Mr Zeller could have survived the facts of his life, but not his beliefs, or the actions he apparently felt were necessary because of those beliefs.
A belief FEELs completely true to the believer, but it can’t be “independently verified”.
Can we take this to email please? Thanks.