Since I haven’t been writing in my blog, I must give a rundown of my week, otherwise the therapy recap won’t make sense. So my week in a nutshell:
Tuesday night: fight with daughter
Friday: grocery shopping trip with boss’s housekeeper (who is now my friend) – really fun
Friday night: daughter tells me she is sick with either mono or strep, she is 1000 miles away at school
Sunday morning: send mean email to boss
Sunday mid day: send email apologizing to boss
Sunday afternoon: cousin calls to tell me she has attempted suicide twice in the last two months and doesn’t know what to do
Monday: telephone to aunt to discuss situation with cousin
That’s about it.
I just started talking from the events on Friday until the events on Sunday. It went something like this:
“So, on Friday I went grocery shopping with my boss’s housekeeper. I really love her, we get along great and we have a lot of fun when we go shopping. We laughed a lot. Then we were pushing our carts back to the car and she said, ‘I’m so happy, just doing this.’ And I said that I was just thinking that too. But I felt really badly that I hadn’t said anything, that I never would say anything like that and I wish I could. Then Friday night my daughter called to tell me she was sick and I got anxious about that and I felt bad because we had had a fight Tuesday night and she said she felt sick all week and Sunday morning I sent my boss a mean email, and then I sent another one later apologizing, and he said ‘no problem’ then half an hour later he sent another saying ‘I’m sorry you have a sick child far away’ and then a couple of hours later my cousin called to say she tried to commit suicide twice in the last two months and she doesn’t know what to do and she talked for 50 minutes and she asked me if our aunt knew about my issues and I said she didn’t and my cousin said she was surprised because she thought my aunt and I were so close and I said we are, but I don’t talk about things like that, and then Monday I talked to my aunt and I told her that I don’t know how much help I can be to my cousin because I’m not in such a great place right now and my aunt said, ‘well you’ve never tried to kill yourself’ and ‘I know you have issues, but you’ve never been as bad off as cousin is’ and that made me feel bad because I have never opened up to her about my problems even though we are close, and that’s about it, why are you being so quiet?”
I looked at the clock, and only 10 minutes had gone by since I walked in, but it seemed like I was talking for at least 30 minutes. How did this happen?
J said that was good and he was being quiet because I was talking, now can we go back through the whole scenario and talk about emotions? So we did that.
I told him that I recently heard the term “emotionally unavailable” and I feel like that describes me. He asked me where I got that term from and I said it’s on google, mostly referring to men, but I think I have it. And these things that happened with people this week made me realize just how emotionally unavailable I am. Someone had once made a comment about my writing, saying, “She doesn’t put her feelings in her writing, so it’s kind of flat” and I remember this and thought it is probably true and also a sign of my “emotional unavailability.”
J took a different approach than what I thought though, in that he tried to convince me that I am not emotionally unavailable and I have high expectations of myself in this area, as in most others. He said when I was grocery shopping with my friend, that just because I didn’t come out and say “I’m so happy this is fun” it doesn’t mean I wasn’t emotionally there. I was laughing, and joking, and having fun and she could see this. I told him that is true, but I want to be able to express emotions. He said it’s easy when you are having fun, and people like to hear that you are having a good time with them.
Then he said something a little creepy. He said “I don’t mean to be crude, but [and I can’t remember exactly what went here, either he saw this on tv, or read about it, or someone asked him] how to talk dirty in bed, and the answer was ‘you just do’”. Hmmm….I don’t have a problem talking about sex at all, not that we ever have, but this just seemed a little off the wall to me. I think he could have used a different example, that’s all.
He said, so when you are having a good time you just tell the other person. There are no barriers. And I said, “Yes there are barriers!” He asked me what they are, and I told him they are the fact that I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t like to vulnerable. He explained that if I tell someone I am having a good time, or I am happy in their presence they are unlikely to say “Well, I’m not!” Even if they aren’t having such a great time, or aren’t so happy with me, it will likely make them feel good to know how I feel in that moment, so they will give a positive response.
He asked me more about the fight with my daughter, and I explained that, it really was just a typical teenager type thing, but I felt bad because we didn’t resolve it before we ended talking for the night, and then Friday she called to say she was sick. J asked me if I was upset about having fun with my friend that day because my daughter was sick, did I feel guilty about that? I told him I did not feel guilty about that, should I feel guilty about that, the reason I was sad about the friend thing is because I want to be able to express emotions like she did. And he restated that he really doesn’t think it is a problem that I didn’t say anything, because I was displaying emotion in a different way.
J asked me about the “mean” email, and I explained to him what had happened. My boss emailed me that he is having angst about becoming an empty nester, and that email just happened to come when my daughter was sick and my email back to him was all about “just you wait, it gets worse, wait until you have a long distance fight with your kid, and then they get sick and there isn’t anything you can do about it…..on and on.” And he replied “Thanks a lot.” I felt so ashamed of myself, I know I was triggered by his comment and it came at a bad time, but I wasn’t empathetic at all and basically I tried to one up him. But J said the fact that I sent an email apologizing, telling him that he caught me at a bad time and I shouldn’t have taken my anxiety out on him, and then my boss sent me back two emails, the first saying “no problem” then the second saying he was sorry my daughter is sick, was really good and we both expressed our feelings and worked it out. And I spend the whole day Sunday thinking he would fire me, but my boss moves past things really quickly, and when I saw him Monday the whole thing was forgotten. I told J that I suppose things worked out ok, but I felt that my boss and I kept missing each other, emotionally. (PS – my boss expresses emotions very freely, and to everyone he talks to).
I’m not sure we got to the suicidal cousin (PS – I went to see her last night, I wanted to make sure she is ok). J said something about getting my emotions out on my blog (not sure I do that according to some of my readers) and I said that I miss my blog. He asked me why I’m not writing in it (I didn’t remind him that we already spoke of this). I said it was because I thought I was using my blog as a replacement for talking to people in real life. He asked if I am now talking to people in real life, and I replied that I feel like I am talking more to him, and he agreed. He wanted to know if it is such a black and white thing, the writing. I told him that I do write occasionally, but about less important topics, like recipes, and it isn’t very satisfying. He asked if I set a time limit for not writing on the blog and I didn’t, and he said maybe soon I can go back to it. He asked when my writing group is meeting next, and I’m not sure, but I said I don’t write stories for the group that are anything like what I write on my blog anyway.
I think he tried to reassure me that things in the past week went better than I made them seem, and I told him that it seemed like it was one event after another showing my emotional unavailability and each time something happened it made me more sad. I believe I used the phrase “emotional unavailability overload” and he brought up the How To Talk Dirty In Bed For Dummies thing again, which was just as creepy the second time.
I’m a bit confused. I want to open up more to people, be able to express my feelings verbally. But J is making it seem like I don’t need to do that, that my expectations of myself are too high. Does he think I will never be capable of this? That I should just accept things the way they are? He knows my goal is to have better relationships with people and to connect more with people, and I thought to do that it would be good to be able to express myself emotionally and be more vulnerable and open with people. I have a lot of questions for him next week I suppose.
And another thing. I few times during the session I got teary eyed, and I think my voice got wavery or breaky once or twice, and J just continued on talking as though nothing was happening. Is that a normal t thing to do? I’m frankly not sure what t’s are supposed to do when a client gets emotional, or even cries (gasp). And I don’t even know what I would expect or want him to do. Say “Are you ok?” or “Why is xyz making you sad?” or ignore it, which is what he does. He just continues on with whatever he is saying. Which I guess is ok, not making a big deal out of anything, he knows I don’t like to draw attention to myself, which is pretty difficult to avoid in the therapy room when one is being stared at like a bug. I don’t know, just wondering what other t’s do.
Later in the day I checked the voter registration website for my state, because I was thinking of changing my political party to an independent one (I am currently registered for one of the two major parties), and I learned that anyone could enter anyone else’s name, zip code and birthdate and see the results which include their full name, address, polling location, and registered political party. So I entered J’s information, just for kicks, and, gulp….he is registered in the party that I am not. I won’t say which one of us is which, but they are the two major parties, and I didn’t like what I saw. It’s ridiculous, his political views have nothing to do with my therapy. Besides I should have known his views based on the cars he drives. Not that one’s choice of cars is a definite determinant of their political viewpoints, but sometimes it is. I was surprised, and I’m still trying to figure out why. Another interesting psychological puzzle.
Yikes! Your comment has squelched all desire of ever start therapy right out of me – “being stared at like a bug”. That’s totally creepy.
Harriet, do you have a lot of eye contact with J? I found that my T doesn’t look at me nearly as much as I think when I choose to look back.
Talk about a full week. Whew.
Sometimes my T outrightly acknowledges emotion – a lot of the time when I say “I can’t talk about this anymore/We need to change the topic”. I don’t think he’s ever said, “I see you’re upset”….and if he did, I would likely lash out with a “Really? What was your first guess?!” T usually gives me the space/room to express whatever I want to without saying “express it – now!”. Does that make sense?
Interesting about the car = political party. I’ve never heard that one before, or even considered it!
Hi Harriet, there isn’t any one right way to respond to an emotion. If you have told your therapist you don’t enjoy having attention drawn to you it could make sense that he doesn’t stop talking – or he could just be insensitive.
Here’s an example of what I mean (this is the only time I have done anything like this). My friend has an MA and is widely read and very astute about people. They were in a bad way in a relationship and confused and said something like, “It’s all terrible, I’m so confused, I can’t understand what’s going on!” At which point I said, “Crap” and they said, “Oh alright then”, and we went on to discuss options. I only was confrontational like this because I knew my friend well. It was the right response at the time I think but I don’t think I’d recommend it as the right response to tears. I’m saying that the right response to a display of emotion is a very difficult thing.
I’m pretty phlegmatic, and people have found me emotionally unavailable. For me it took years to acknowledge my feelings, then to listen to others and get a sense of what they might be feeling (even though they don’t say anything) and then finally introducing my feelings into my relationships.
As to sex talk, maybe he finds you attractive (maybe he isn’t as aware of it as he should be). Maybe that’s my projection.
What a week. I hope you got a chance to have some relaxed time. I’d need some time and space to catch up with myself after a week like that.
crocus – sorry! I have to say, if you haven’t started therapy – don’t! It will suck you in and you’ll never get out. That’s my experience anyway.
sanity – I do have a lot of eye contact with J. I need eye contact to be able to tell how someone is feeling or thinking. He looks at me when he is talking to me, I tend to look around when I am talking to him, but I always look at him when he is talking to me.
The car thing is probably totally bogus, I don’t think there have been studies done. Who knows?
Evan – you are right, there isn’t just one way to respond to someone’s emotional displays. Usually if someone cries in my presence, I will cry too. I could never be a t, I would be crying all day.
Regarding feelings, I usually have a good sense of what other people are feeling, and I’m a good listener, I just can’t reciprocate. That’s the last step and I can’t seem to take it.
As for him finding me attractive, there is no way that could be. First of all I am not attractive and secondly he is 11 years younger than me.
It was a tough week, there was even more that I didn’t write about! This week so far is proving to be kinder and gentler.
For the record, you are beautiful, both inside and out, and I know because Ive had the pleasure of meeting you, in person.
You had a busy week! So much going on. I thought a lot this week about what your friend said “in the moment” .
I don’t know what the typical T crying response is…I’m sure there are a million. I don’t know that d want my t to keep asking like it’s not “emo” …thats an interesting question. I rarely cry in front of anyone, other than the T.
Im glad you could be there for your cousin.
And I hope your dtr is feeling better.
That is a tough/full week. I don’t really show that much emotion outwardly in my sessions, it all happens afterward. The one time I actually cried we did discuss it because it was impossible to ignore. I kept apologizing for loosing control and she was happy that I did. I pretty sure she’s aware when I show even a little emotion but she doesn’t say anything verbally about it. Maybe she is using some technique I’m not aware of when handling any emotion I may show.
It sounds like you had a full session talking to J. I hope your daughter is feeling better.
Regarding feelings, I usually have a good sense of what other people are feeling, and I’m a good listener, I just can’t reciprocate.
People who are truly emotionally unavailable do not have any sense of how other people are feeling; nor are they good listeners. And they certainly don’t weep empathetic tears when in the presence of someone who is hurt and crying.
I think you may be confusing emotional availability with what I might term emotional extroversion. People who are emotionally unavailable don’t feel much — they are usually pretty numb. As in, they honest to God don’t feel anything. You feel widely and deeply; it’s getting those feelings outside yourself that is hard for you.
Hi Harriet,
I have trouble expressing my feelings explicitly to people as much as I’d like too. I’ve been slowly getting better over the years I think. I think being aware of the possibility of expressing them helps. And you’re obviously aware of the possibility. (I think you express them pretty often in your writing too.)
I have a memory of a first time expressing my emotion clearly to someone- I don’t know if it’s accurate- but I remember ten years ago or so, driving two classmates home and feeling the conversation with one of them was really enjoyable. I said “it was nice to talk to you” and really meant it. We ended up becoming pretty good friends for a while and we’re still in touch. Now I say “it was nice to talk to you” to people all the time, but I don’t always mean it so much. I think when I become comfortable to state feelings to someone, the feelings start to become less significant, which defeats the purpose. I wonder if people who talk about their feelings a lot don’t feel them as deeply. Sometimes, at least, I’m pretty sure that’s the case. It still seems like a good thing to be able to do though.
I’ve never cried in t, so can’t answer your question there.
Good luck w your cousin and daughter.
Grace – you must not have been wearing your glasses that day we met. But thank you. And my daughter is feeling much better!
lost – thank you, I’m the same. Lots of crying happens afterwards. Hmmm, you think it’s a technique they are using? I wonder which one it is.
David – that sounds exactly right! That makes me feel so much better, you can’t imagine. I wonder why my t didn’t say that to me. Thank you so much.
myst – I say “It was nice talking to you” a lot. I think it doesn’t mean anything anymore, kind of like “how are you?” doesn’t really mean how are you. Interesting idea about how people who talk about their feelings don’t feel them as deeply. My boss talks a lot about his feelings, and I think he does feel them deeply, but he also doesn’t ruminate on them, he can let go of them more easily than I can. Thank you!
Harriet,
Yeah, I guess “it was nice talking to you” is a pretty common polite thing to say, but it wasn’t a thing I normally was comfortable saying back then.
“My boss talks a lot about his feelings, and I think he does feel them deeply, but he also doesn’t ruminate on them, he can let go of them more easily than I can.” That’s interesting too, and a good goal probably. I dunno, sometimes expressing feelings makes them seem less meaningful to me too though. Sometimes that’s good or not good. Maybe I’ll talk to my t about it. Thank you too!
I think I get it, not saying it when you feel great with someone (or otherwise). Like David said, I sense that you feel things greatly.
To tell someone “Wow, that was really fun, just going to the grocery story!” makes you vulnerable – what if the other person didn’t like being with you??!!! Ack! But, if you are having a good time, then it’s totally worth it to share it because it re-inforces your good feelings and shares it with the other person. Take the plunge!
I was SOOOO glad that you enjoyed my concert and you told me so – when I put myself on stage, I’m seeking acceptance and appreciation. For me, it makes it more worthwhile to have someone I know in the audience who is having a lovely experience.
Hillary – thank you. Taking the plunge is difficult. I was always afraid of the high dive.
I was so glad that you invited me to your concert too!