When I got to t today I told J that I wouldn’t be there next week because my mother is having surgery. I am spending the night at her house on Sunday night, taking her to the hospital Monday morning, spending the night with her in the hospital Monday night (she asked me to, but said we could play that by ear) and then taking her back to my house on Tuesday where she will spend the week.
He asked me how that would go, and I told him that it probably wouldn’t go too well, but she is my mother, so what can I do. The worst part is that she and my husband don’t like each other at all. I gave J some examples of the things my mother says so he could get an idea of what she is like. He told me I should tell my husband how much I appreciate him tolerating her, but I said he doesn’t really tolerate her, he is rude to her.
Part of my mother’s surgery is having her bladder fixed. She told me that it is my fault that she is having this surgery because it happened when she was giving birth to me. When I went with her to the doctor, she also told the doctor that it is my fault. This is what I have to deal with!
I told J that I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about my mother. He asked me if I had an agenda and I told him what is going on with my cousin. I wrote most of the story in my last post, but on Sunday I did go over to see her. One thing we decided to do was that I called her mother, my Aunt M, to try to get her to understand what is going on, and to tell her that we needed to all be a team to support my cousin. Aunt M is very self-centered, and spent most of the time talking about how horrible her ex-husband was to the kids, and talking about her own therapy.
My cousin was feeling very bad on Sunday. It was so hard to see her that way. I stayed for about four hours or so, not doing much, just talking, just listening. I hate for her to be alone.
Then later in the evening I talked to Aunt H (the one I like, who is the sister of my cousin’s mother). Somehow she started delving into the past also, talking about something my mother and Aunt M did twelve years ago, blah blah blah. I told J that I just want to help my cousin, I don’t want to have to deal with all of this crap from the past. It is not the time right now….but they all seem to want to unload on me.
I was telling J about how I was researching inpatient programs, and I was emailing with my two aunts. I got in touch with my old crisis hotline supervisor and she gave me some leads, and I found out a program in a hospital near me. So I gave my aunts the information and I said, “Here are the names of a few places. Do you want to split up the list and we can each try to find out something?” Do you think they offered to do that? No. Neither of them offered to make one call. Aunt H even found a phone number for NIH and when she emailed it to me she said, “I know this phone number works because I tried it and got a bunch of prompts, one of which is to talk to a real person.” Well, if she got that far to reach the prompts, why didn’t she stay on the line and actually talk to the real person? I asked J if that was too much to expect, he didn’t think so.
So J and I talked about this whole situation, how to deal with my aunts, and my cousin, and my conflicting feelings about the whole thing. When I was going over to my cousin’s house on Sunday I was thinking “I don’t really want to go.” And I felt so bad for not wanting to go to her. I told him that I also feel selfish, because I like to be needed, and she needs me right now, and this shouldn’t be about me. And I also feel somewhat resentful that my aunts, one of whom is her mother, aren’t stepping up to the plate. As a matter of fact Aunt M stopped talking to my parents and me when I was a child, so we really don’t have much of a relationship. But when I talked to her last night she was crying and thanking me, and then she said, “I love you, I love you.” I told J she doesn’t love me, she just loves that I am taking control of the situation and doing something for her daughter because she can’t or won’t.
I thought J and I had a good conversation, with me expressing my fears about this whole situation, particularly that her depression would “rub off” on me (I know that sounds ridiculous.) But I don’t want to be taken advantage of by my aunts, and I let people do that, and since I am not in such a great place mentally I don’t know what affect this will all have on me. But that is beside the point, because I know I need to do whatever I can for her. And J gave me the name of hospital that he has had good experiences with.
J told me that he thinks I am having good insights about all of this, and I am aware of the emotional pitfalls and my typical behaviors that cause me trouble. He said this could be therapeutic for me, because there are many parallels between my cousin’s life and mine, and what she is going through and what I am going through, and our mothers are similar. I also told him that when this is all over I bet my cousin and Aunt M will go back to not having much to do with me. He asked why that matters, and I said it doesn’t matter, but it will hurt. He said that it is good to go into it knowing I could get hurt, and I said it seems stupid to go into a situation knowing I will get hurt in the end. He said, “Like relationships? Like owning a pet?” Yes, like that I suppose.
So I get a week off next week, but frankly I would rather go to therapy than have my mother staying here. He wished me good luck.
I know I am not keeping up with others’ blogs right now, and I feel badly about that. This situation is just occupying my time, real time and emotional time. I was up at 4:30am thinking about her and what to do for her. I promise to catch up soon.
What an emotional roller coaster. Your family is very lucky that they have you in it. I’m really proud of you Harriet. You have so many different things going on and you’re getting pulled so many different ways, but you’re still hanging in there.
Your mom’s comments – oooo! I would have been burned up about them if I was you. Maybe she is scared about the operation and is lashing out at you because you’re the closest one to her.
Good luck with your week and don’t apologize for having a life outside of the blog! We understand.
Sounds like it was a worthwhile session Harriet. Hope you find ways to look after yourself while your mother is with you. Hope you have some ideas about how to proceed with your cousin and not get caught up in your aunt’s stuff.
I feel for you, Harriet! Either one of those situations would put me in a tailspin. You must look like the Rock of Gibraltor to your aunts. Could you ask your husband to be patient with your mom, for your sake? It’s ironic that you were thinking recently that you were no longer needed.
I’m glad you had a good session, and got some support and connection. Perhaps you could talk to J by phone next week – seems like you’ll need it, won’t you?
sanity – That’s a good way to put it, I do feel like I am being pulled in too many directions. One good thing is that both of my bosses are taking little vacations this week, so I get some time off. As for my mom, no that is just the way she is.
Evan – Thank you.
Laura – I guess I could ask my husband that. After 24 years it’s kind of weird to start talking about it again. J didn’t suggest a phone session, or rescheduling, so I don’t think I can do that, even though you are right, I will probably need it. Funny, when he needed to cancel a session a couple of weeks ago he said we could reschedule. But when I cancel he doesn’t offer.
Harriet, I guarantee you, he will reschedule – and he would very likely talk to you by phone!!
He probably has no idea that you have this belief.
We’re supposed to be learning how to ASK for what we need.
I could NEVER go without H under these circumstances.
Please give it a try.
Laura – He would probably talk to me on the phone, but I don’t talk on the phone. As for rescheduling, I don’t know, I think it’s a boundary thing. I’ll ask him the next time I see him, because it would be good to know what the policy is in case I need to cancel again in the future. If he would let me reschedule I would probably save that option for an emergency though.
You should be able to reschedule if you cancel. I know my shrink will shuffle people if he thinks it’s important to see me.
It doesn’t need to be emergent – sometimes it’s better to do things preventatively rather than reactively.
Sounds like you are going to have to focus on two people – you, and your cousin.
You will do what you can to help her.
You will have to shut out the noise of the others who are not helping.
You are not giving up on your cousin, even though this is hard, not really your job, putting you in a strange relationship with aunts, etc.
Seeing J at a different time would help you to check in with that neutral person to be sure that you are taking care of YOURSELF during this stressful time.
good luck and kudos on helping your cousin.
Rach – thanks!
Hillary – thank you, I definitely don’t want to give up on my cousin.
Everyone – I’m sure I will be fine without having therapy for a week. Sure it will be a stressful week, and if I had a session scheduled it would be nice, but I’ll make it through without one. Is skipping a week really that big of a deal?
“…is skipping a week really that big of a deal?”
I guess it isn’t, for you.
good luck with everything!
I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to offend. Now I’m curious though, is it good to get that attached to therapy that you can’t miss a week? What happens when you go on vacation, or your t goes on vacation? You can’t reschedule because you or he/she will be gone all week, or maybe 2 weeks.
Maybe I’m different because I don’t like therapy. I get extremely anxious before I go and while I am there, so taking a week off is like a reprieve. Maybe it would be better for me to go in and talk so that it relieves my stress about my mom and my cousin, but I was thinking it would be nice to have a break.
I wasn’t offended, Harriet, no worries.
If it feels like a reprieve to skip a week, that’s what it is for you. There’s no good or bad.
Does it both create and relieve stress for you? What about this week? did it not help and even feel good to talk things over with J?
Laura – you always make me think, and I appreciate that very much, even though it may not seem so :-)
Do you mean does therapy create and relieve stress, or the break from therapy? Well, I will address both.
Therapy creates stress because I never think I am “doing it right” or I think I am “boring” or J won’t want to hear whatever it is I am talking about, etc. You have seen that about me I am sure. And that is part of the reason I am in therapy, so although it is creating stress, in the long run it is relieving stress as I sllllooowwwwllllyyyy learn to believe that I am doing this how I am doing it and there is no right or wrong. It also creates stress because of the expense (I don’t use insurance) and I feel pressure to make every session “count”. And I find J intimidating, so that is stressful, but I find lately that he is less intimidating to me, so that is a relief. Is this confusing you yet?
The break is relieving the anticipatory anxiety of having to go to my session next week. Whew. But also, creating stress because when I miss a week it is doubly hard to get going again the next week. This particular break is creating stress because as you all have pointed out, it will be a tough week for me and perhaps not a good time to take a break. But also a relief because I don’t feel worried about taking a break, and that makes me feel like I am not too attached to therapy.
About this week. I am still pondering whether it felt good and helpful to talk to J about these things. I didn’t mention that I had seen pdoc the day before and talked to her about these very same things. It was interesting to see the different responses I got from pdoc and t in regards to the same issues. Pdoc made more suggestions about what I can say or do with my mother and cousin, whereas t pointed out more insightful things about how I am feeling about my mom and my cousin and how their issues relate to me. I also talked to him more about my feelings about these things than I did with pdoc.
I’m not sure how it is helping me to talk about this kind of thing with J. Well, I take that back, it is helping me because it is giving me practice in opening up to people. Beyond that, I don’t know yet.
But thank you for getting me thinking about this, I am sorry to have written so much in response!
It’s so interesting, Harriet. I’m glad this came to light – thank you for clarifying. Perhaps I imagined that in this post you sounded more relaxed (after an anxious week!), and that it had helped to put down your burdens
and take in J’s comfort and support.
That’s what’s on offer, a safe harbor, if you can stop worrying about whether you’re doing it right.
If you see therapy as another task you must do well, it makes sense that you would see a week “off” as a reprieve.
you’ve always got support here on your blog!
I hope all goes well with your mother. I’m glad you were able to have a good discussion with J about your cousin and family. I think it’s good that you have been able to be there for your cousin as hard as it is. I’ve had to deal with this sort of thing with one of my family members as well, it certainly isn’t easy. I hope you can find ways of looking after yourself while dealing with your family members. I’ll be thinking of you.
I love this explanation for myself – but others might think it’s useful…
http://insidetherapy.blogspot.com/2006/08/letting-go.html#comment-form
I found your blog today from a guest post at http://www.assessmentbuzz.com/buzz/2009/3/4/guest-blog-im-an-infj-but-what-if-i-dont-want-to-be-an-infj.html . As an INFJ, I am looking forward to visiting often. I hope your mother is doing well.
lost – thank you, yeah it really isn’t easy is it? Thanks for thinking of me.
Laura – thanks for the link. You’d really have to trust someone to let go in their presence.
Sandy – glad you found me! It’s great to meet another INFJ.
Hello Harriet,
Hope you dont mind me replying to your posts.
I have read the question ‘is it really that bad to miss a week?’ Or something along those lines. I feel that therapy, especially long term therapy, helps us get in touch with our attachment style. So for example, some people depending on their attachment blueprint, will find it extremly difficult and show that, others get sextremly anxious and cut off and look and feel like they dont care at all about therapist leaving, others may say they are glad T is leaving etc.
Im not sure in what kind of therapy you are [have not read any of your other posts yet] but I hope that T is able to work with you on the ‘missing week’.
Sincerely
x