Yesterday I felt depressed and frustrated. Today I have had a weight pressing down on me. It’s not squeezing me from the sides, it’s actually over my head and pressing me down. I can’t get away from it. It’s so painful and heavy. I was driving this afternoon and had a tremendous urge to drive into a pole. I was going 35mph and I thought if I could just drive straight into the pole the weight would go away. But I’m such a coward I didn’t do it. I was so curious as to what it would feel like, but I suppose it would happen very quickly, the airbag would deploy, and I’d be left with cuts and bruises all over my face. And the weight would still be there.
I think the weight is the realization that I cannot change. I really really thought I wanted to change, and I still think I want to change. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life hating myself and feeling lower than the lowest loser on earth. I could live another 50 years, how can I live like this for so long? But the changing is too hard, I don’t know how to do it. I can’t make myself understood to my therapist, I want to tell him everything, but I can’t. This weight on me is unbearable. The weight of the realization that I just have to accept the way I feel about myself, that I can’t change. The weight of failure. The weight of helplessness.
Tags: change, self esteem