Dear J,

Hey, it’s me again. I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year’s. I’m sure you were with your family having lovely family celebrations. I was with my family on Christmas and it was nice actually. It’s always great to see the kids together.

On Monday I told Art T that I have been ruminating about my therapy with you. We talked about how I think everything that went wrong with it was my fault. I asked her, if you knew it was a bad fit, why didn’t you refer me to someone else? Hmm, I can’t remember what she said, I’ll have to ask her again. But I said that if you did refer me to someone else I would have been very upset, so it was a no win situation for you, and for me. I did tell her that I always felt like I should leave and see someone else, and I did try a few times, but most therapists wouldn’t even see me for a consultation while I was still seeing you. She asked me what I was looking for once I knew more about therapy and that there were different types and I said “someone who is a little bit Carl Rogers, a little bit Carl Jung, a little bit existential, and a little bit CBT to get through the day to day stuff.” She said, “That’s great, because that is what I am.”

She asked me why I kept going to see you and I told her I didn’t want to start over with someone else. She asked me if part of the reason I stayed was so that I wouldn’t upset you and I told her that I hardly believe that I made that much of an impact on you that you be upset if I left. She said that maybe I wanted proof that you cared about me, and I said, like if I quit would I want him to beg me to stay? I don’t think I would want that. I told her about last September when we had the discussion about how you cared about me, and you seemed very sincere.

Then we talked about your discomfort when I would mention that you intimidated me, and how you didn’t want to talk about it. She asked me why I didn’t ask you why you didn’t want to talk about it, and I said that if you had a problem with it, it was your problem and aren’t therapists supposed to work out their own problems with another therapist, or a supervisor? That I wasn’t there to do therapy on you.

I told her about that time I asked you why you laugh when I tell you about my feelings. This is what I wrote about it in my blog:

I told him about how whenever I talk about something emotional he makes a joke. I asked him if he knows he does that, and he says he does. He tries to lighten things up sometimes. I asked him why and he said, “Like an ice breaker.” I asked him why the ice needs to be broken, if I am bringing up a sensitive topic. He says he does it to make the other person more comfortable. I asked him why he needed to make the other person more comfortable, if they are talking about uncomfortable feelings isn’t it ok for them to feel uncomfortable? Is there something wrong with that? He said, “I don’t think I said that.” He said he meant that he wants to make the other person more comfortable in talking about their feelings. He did say that it doesn’t work for some people, and he is glad I am telling him.

Art T says that was really good that I brought that up with you, and also really good that you recognized it is not a good technique for me. That is true. But I also told her about how you were always telling me what to say to people, even though I kept telling you the problem isn’t knowing what to say, it is saying it.

Which led to her asking me why it is hard for me to say things. She said, “How does it feel physically?” I said, “Are you asking me that horrible question, where do I feel it in my body?” She said, “Oh yes, you don’t like that question.” I told her that I don’t like the word “body”. I told her that my chest gets tight and when I try to get the words out, my throat locks up and nothing will come out.

I told her that there were times that you responded to me the way my mother or my husband would, and I asked you what I do to make people respond to me in that way. You said that frequently people seek out other people who are similar to those that we have had relationships with in the past, and it is a re-enactment, it is not something I do to make people respond in a certain way. Art T said that is true, and the reason we have these re-enactments is to have a different outcome than we had with the original person. She brought up how my parents didn’t understand me, didn’t meet my needs, etc etc and talked about that for a while. But I told her I don’t think the situation with you is a re-enactment of anything with my parents, I think it is more a re-enactment of situations with my peers.

I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about you – I don’t think that would have been a good use of my $15. Yeah, therapy with her is only $15 per session because she participates in my insurance plan. A big change from the $120 I paid you every week. I wonder if I ever would have left if you were participating in my insurance.

So I showed her the family tree I made of my family and my husband’s family, it had pictures of everyone on it, and red lines between all of the people who don’t speak to one another. All of the red lines, except for the one between my sister and me, originate with my mother. My mother doesn’t even talk to her nieces who are in their 20’s and who have never done anything to her, except be the daughters of my aunt, to whom she doesn’t speak either. Frankly, that really saddens me.

I printed out a story that illustrates my family perfectly, I had told you the story, and I printed out your response too.

I told J about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

Art T and I talked about my mother and emotions. I remember times that she did cry, she does still cry sometimes, she cried terribly when her second husband died, but that was so unexpected and traumatic.

At the end of the session Art T asked if I had any special plans for New Year’s Eve, and I said I guess I had to do something with my husband. I said, “I suppose that is something we need to talk about” and she agreed. I thought it would be easier to talk about my husband with her than with you, since you are the perfect husband and all, but it still seems difficult. I have some big, important decisions to make regarding my marriage, and I am just procrastinating. I really need to come to some conclusions.

So one of my blog friends wrote a very insightful, thoughtful, caring comment on my blog, saying that you aren’t the mean kid from high school. That you are my good-looking, not mean, confidante and advocate. You’ve never done anything mean to me, well, a couple of times you were a jerk, and you admitted it even if you didn’t quite get it. It’s hard to believe that my childhood experiences may not be fact anymore. She says the mean boys are in the past. Is that true? Were you a mean boy in middle school or high school? Maybe you were never a mean boy, you just happened to be good looking, popular, outgoing, smart, athletic and “most likely to succeed”. Maybe you’ll show me a picture of yourself from those years. I’d like to see that.

I’m going to write you an email and actually send it to you, I want to come in and talk with you. I actually want to ask if I can get two sessions back to back so I don’t feel rushed with everything I want to say. I know I shouldn’t spend that much money, but I’ll cut back in other ways this month. Or maybe next month, because my dog needs surgery this month. But soon, expect an email from me.