I read something on the internet the other day. Here is the link: http://ocduk.org/types-ocd
This is me.
Violent Intrusive Thoughts – obsessive fears of carrying out violent acts against loved ones or other people. Intrusive thoughts include:
Violently harming children or loved ones.
Killing innocent people.
Using kitchen knives and other sharp objects (compulsion will include locking away knives and sharp objects).
Jumping in front of a train or fast moving bus.
Poisoning the food of loved ones (compulsion will include avoiding cooking for family).
Acting on unwanted impulses, e.g. running someone over, stabbing someone.
Thoughts about accidentally touching someone inappropriately, with the aim of hurting them.
Most sufferers with these types of fears often end up labelling themselves as a bad person, simply for having the thoughts. They falsely believe that having the thoughts mean they are capable of acting upon them. The constant analysing and questioning of these disturbing aspects of OCD becomes incredibly upsetting and because of the nature of the thoughts many sufferers are reluctant to open up to health professionals to seek help, fearing they may be labelled.
A person with these types of intrusive thoughts will avoid public places like shopping centres and other places, where social interaction may be required, to avoid coming into close contact with people that may trigger the obsessive thoughts.
To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking . It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.
J didn’t understand when I told him about this, and, let me tell you, it was not easy to talk about. He thought I was talking about fantasies. He told me that he had a fantasy that his wife was dead and everyone was feeling sorry for him, and that is a normal fantasy when you think that you are taking care of everyone all the time and not getting cared for. Or he had a fantasy about shooting a guy’s tires out because he cut him off on the road.
When I told him these aren’t fantasies he tried to make them logical. Like if I have the urge to stab my husband in the back with a kitchen knife it is probably because I am annoyed with him for snoring and keeping me up in the night.
He never understood. But maybe whoever wrote this website understands. However, I am not sure if what I have is OCD, or if I am just an evil person. J told me that thoughts are not actions. But thoughts can be bad. And it’s not always thoughts, it often feels like a very strong urge. I don’t know what that is, and why I have that. My aunt told me she has it too, so maybe it is some genetic fault in our family. Badness in the genes.