Apparently my problem with therapy is that I don’t think the therapist and the client have a relationship. And the key to successful therapy is the relationship between the therapist and the client (this pertains to the type of therapy I have been looking for, of course there are other types of therapy where the relationship is not the key). Because the therapist will respond in different ways than the client’s other relationship people have responded in the past, and that will produce a change in the client, so that even if the other relationship people in the client’s life continue to give those same responses as they have in the past, the client has developed something inside of her that enables those responses to not bother her anymore. And she has developed this thing inside of her because the therapist consistently gives more positive responses than the other people in the client’s life, or the client’s past life.
In my case, I don’t believe anything the therapist says about me, because it is her job (his or her, I will just use the feminine), and I pay her, and she has to respond positively and have unconditional positive regard because that is what a therapist does. Even if the therapist says it is not fake, that part of her job is “attunement” and she feels the feelings of the client. Which she claims is ok, and she would only need supervision if those feelings that she has interfere in the therapy with the client. And apparently feeling the feelings of the clients all day long is not overwhelming to her because she has good self care.
So it all boils down to the “relationship” which I do not think is what the situation is between a therapist and a client. I think it is more of a business arrangement, or a working alliance. Like an accountant, but instead of discussing numbers, we discuss emotions. That doesn’t make this a “relationship”.
So maybe that is why I never change, and maybe therapy just isn’t for me.
I read this, knowing that the same words left my mouth. I struggled with this immensely, and I know how painful and maddening this can be (to feel that this relationship isn’t real). First of all, please know that you are not alone in this struggle.
Second of all, I cannot speak for all therapists (barely even my own), but I know that folks go into this profession because they want to help, because they’re ready and willing to build a relationship with others, to help them. Daisy once told me that it was impossible to work with someone that she didn’t care about or connect with, that the therapy process wouldn’t work. Remember, therapists have a choice on whether or not they’re capable/willing to work with us also. I’m not saying that you should worry about your (or anyone else’s) therapist going anywhere, rather that even though it is usually a “one way street”, it will sometimes go two ways … in that therapists care (many of them a great deal), they are real people that experience real emotions and feelings. If you spent months upon months listening to someone talk about their lives (their pain, their struggles) and you were helping them to put the pieces together, and providing them the tools to create a positive and healing future … could you do anything else other than care? These people are invested in our future, even when we’re not. These people hold onto hope when we can’t find it, they see who we can be when we’re not there yet.
I understand though, that it feels as though we’re paying them to care – I totally understand that. But I challenge you to turn the tables around a bit. If a person just like yourself came into your life, and you had the tools to help her, to show her the way. If she told you the same stories, the same struggle, and shared the same pain with you … wouldn’t you care about her a great deal? I hope you know that you’re worth caring about.
I grabbed a couple of posts that I think you might connect with, and hope you find some hope among them …
http://therapyaddict.blogspot.com/2012/01/comparison.html
http://therapyaddict.blogspot.com/2011/12/causing-and-feeling-pain.html
Sending you a hug and a lot of love,
Amanda
Harriet, what do you think it would mean to you if you could accept that you have a relationship with your Art T? How would it change your life and your therapy if you could accept that she likes you, wants to help you, and cares about you genuinely?
Hi Harriet,
Yes adding money to therapy makes it complicated. I have lots of thoughts about this.
However, a working alliance is a great way to go too. Most of our lives happen outside the therapist’s office (I have lots of thoughts being confined to the therapist’s office too). So reporting back and then experimenting and so on can be very successful.
The trick about the ‘relationship’ thing is that we can try out stuff in therapy even if the therapist is a stranger. Eg. how I feel when I voice my feelings (or one particular feeling) and see how that feels. In this sense the therapist being a stranger is ok.
A therapist can help us with information and spotting our patterns. They see lots of people and talk to them lots about their relationships so therapists can spot patterns about us often more easily than we can.
I’m saying that you can use therapy to get to know yourself better rather than worrying too much about getting to know the therapist or whether the therapist knows you and how they feel about you.
Amanda and Sanity – I think I am confused. I wasn’t talking about whether or not my t cares about me, or likes me, or wants to help me. I believe that she cares about me and wants to help me, I don’t know yet whether she likes me, I haven’t known her very long. I believe that J wanted to help me, and he cared about me as a client, although I think he probably also cared about me as a person. I don’t feel like I am paying them to care, I feel like I am paying them to do their therapeutic stuff, which includes unconditional positive regard, and not responding to me the way other people in my life would.
I was saying that I don’t think what I have with my therapists is a “relationship”. There are plenty of people in my life who I like and who I care about, but I don’t have relationships with. Those are two totally different things. To me, anyway. And I know that people do believe that they have relationships with their therapists, and that is great, I would not disagree with them if that is what they say they have. But I do not have a relationship with my t, or my old t.
Evan – It’s not just the money. Another factor is that I know nothing about my t. When I worked with J, since it was 4 years, I did learn things about him, but in general the conversation is pretty one sided. How can I have a relationship with someone who I know nothing about?
I agree that a working alliance is a good thing, and trying out stuff in therapy is a good thing, and the rest of what you say.
I do want to use therapy to get to know myself better, but Art T says that it is the “relationship” that leads to change, and if I don’t think there is a “relationship”, how can I change? I don’t think I worry about getting to know her, frankly, after getting to know so much about J, I would prefer not to know much about Art T.
Hi Harriet, yes. To my way of thinking professionalism (the one sidedness of the therapist not disclosing who they are) gets in the way of a real relationship. I think professionalism is a poor model for therapy based on a relationship – it gets in the way of a relationship (which is two-way).
You could add in the relationship aspect if you had a friend who was willing. You get to support each other (though not necessarily for the same things). Eg they get to listen to you about therapy and the changes you want to make and you listen to them about a hobby or interest or help them with some other aspect of their life.
I’m sorry for misunderstanding you, Harriet. I think maybe I was just thinking of the term “relationship” as something different from what you’re talking about. I think the definition of relationship is about being connected to someone else, which seems like what you’ve described therapy being like for you, with Art T at least. You talk about how you respond to her and her to you – that does sound like a connection, and thus, a relationship. It’s definitely not a conventional relationship. My T likes to say that it’s a real relationship. It’s limited, but it is real.
Sorry for not being very clear in my original comment. XX
I guess I was just trying to understand what it would mean for you to say that IS actually a relationship. I mean, how would that change therapy for you if you considered it a genuine relationship?
I’d be interested to know how you define relationship? It seems like the definition is very specific for you, like maybe you see a relationship as the the kind of thing that happens between family members, or between husbands and wives, or close friends. My definition is broader, and includes the give and take between two people.
You say therapy is “like an accountant, but instead of discussing numbers, we discuss emotions. That doesn’t make this a “relationship”” – which I find fascinating, tbh. Sure I discuss emotions with Sharon, but it’s more about *feeling* those emotions in her presence, and with her guidance. Maybe that’s the problem – you are not able, at this time, to be fully in touch with your emotional world in the presence of a caring professional.
I often struggle with the idea that she cares for me as much as I care for her. But we talk about that and she told me, like Amanda said, that she could not do this work without caring for the people she helps. Last week she said she was open to getting some extra training and education in order to help me with a particular issue that I am struggling with. My immediate thought was that I didn’t want to inconvenience her, nor should she feel “obliged.” She said, in the gentlest way, that she *wanted* the extra training because she cared about me and wanted to support me. I cried. And told her that I was trying to stay open to the idea of her ongoing care.
Sanity – in thinking about it, I think a relationship is more than just interaction or connection, I think it is a bond. I was an advocate for a foster child for 6 years and I saw him once a week, but we did not have a relationship even though I cared about him very deeply. I worked on the crisis hotline and talked to the same people every week, I cared about them and connected with them, but we did not have a relationship.
If I were to say that what I have with my t’s is a relationship, then they would cease to be my therapists, because I do not believe that the two roles can be had simultaneously. I do not want anyone I have a relationship with to be my therapist, and I do not want to have a relationship with my therapist. So if it was a relationship it would totally change my therapy – my therapy would cease to exist.
Catherine – Yes, a relationship is a very specific thing for me, and I don’t have a huge number of them. It could happen between family members, but not necessarily (I don’t have a relationship with my sister), it could happen between spouses (although right now the relationship between my husband and me is very tenuous), and it could happen with close friends (luckily I do have those). I can see how different people have different definitions, and that is great, because it is not black and white by any means.
As for feeling vs discussing emotions, with J I was definitely not feeling anything when I was with him. With Art T I do feel emotions, unless I specifically shut myself down, which I have done the last couple of weeks due to feeling overwhelmed with life. So I don’t think that is a problem, I can be in touch with my emotions with Art T, but it still does not make what we have a relationship.
I know she cares about me, and I care about her. That has nothing to do with whether or not we have a relationship.
Your t sounds wonderful, and I can so relate to your first thought that you would be inconveniencing her when she is learning something to specifically help you. I am glad that you moved past that thought and can accept her support and care.
Evan – maybe it is the one-sidedness, I’m not sure what it is. But I know a relationship when I see it, and I have not had one with either of my therapists. What you describe with a friend is somewhat like my support group when I was fearful of flying. We were all supportive of each other, and those felt more like relationships than a therapist-client arrangement does.
I feel like I have a relationship with you, despite the fact that we have never met or talked.
One thing is for sure – everyone has their own definition of what a relationship is, and I am not one to claim that whatever anyone feels is not true. So for me the definition of relationship is: if you think you have one, then it is a relationship. If you don’t think you have one, then it is not.
Delightful to hear Harriet, thank you.
I think the connection with a T is a very specific kind of ‘relationship’. I totally agree it’s nothing like a friend, spouse, etc., because it’s one way – the T is helping you and finding out about you, but you don’t find out about her. To make up for this imabalance, the T gets paid.
You might want to not call it a relationship, but that’s OK. I’m pretty sure that connection is healing, if it’s working well, whatever you call it.
Hope the stress is becoming more manageable…take care.
Ellen – That is an interesting way of looking at it. Not only is there an imbalance, but we get to pay for it! I really am beginning to wonder where the healing part is and if it is even working at all for me. Well, therapists seem to think it is a relationship. On J’s website he stated: I take great effort to establish a unique relationship with each patient. And: I develop a close relationship with my patients. Art T doesn’t say anything about relationships in her profile, but she is the one that brought it up, so I know she thinks this is a relationship also. Kind of boggles my mind I guess. I hope you are doing well Ellen.
Well, it’s an imbalance in favour of the client. The T is putting their needs on hold to attend only to you. Payment evens the balance back.
I believe the connection with the T is healing. You may not want to call it a relationship, if by that you mean something like the connection between friends. This is different. The way I see it, there are many types of relationship. Say between parent and child, boss and worker, husband and wife….therapist and client is just a different variation of these.
Hmm, let me ask you this: What do you think about teachers/students – do you think your kids had relationships with their teachers, particularly when they were younger? I’m a teacher (special ed), my students know nothing about me and likely never will. I get paid for doing my job. But I do consider it a relationship with my students – each one slightly different – and I think if my students could put into words they’d say the same. I think their parents would also say it’s a relationship, and more then that, it’s the relationship that results in their child’s growth and development (special ed, my kids definitely couldn’t learn from books or on their own). But I get paid, and I show up every day because I get paid. I do like what I do, but if I wasn’t getting paid it’s not likely I would do what I do for free.
So – maybe you’re right, and the term relationship is just a little misleading. To me, anything between two people is a relationship – just like the relationship between two objects or peieces of literature exist because they both do. There’s also the possibility of having a harmful relationship, as well.
Katie – I have a problem with words. I give them too much power. I am currently dealing with other words like dysfunctional and narcissistic, which I will be writing about soon. Everyone has their own definition and their own ideas about what these words mean, and no one is wrong. Right?
Yup, definitely. :)