Last week I had the talk with my husband – I told him that I found a place to live and that I would be moving out. I recorded the conversation with the voice recorder on my phone, because I wanted people to believe me when I say that he doesn’t talk, doesn’t show emotion, doesn’t respond to me, etc. Not that anyone would ever really ask to listen to it.
But in therapy yesterday I asked art t if she would like to hear the recording. It is only 6 minutes long, and I actually typed it all up because parts are hard to understand. She listened to the whole thing. Then she told me she is really glad that I brought it in for her to listen to, because she only hears what her clients have to say, and not that she doesn’t believe them (dubious maybe) but she frequently feels that they are perceiving things incorrectly.
After listening to my conversation with my husband, she doesn’t feel that I am perceiving things incorrectly. She asked if he was always like this, and was somewhat incredulous that I have been able to stay with him as long as I have.
Now, to back up to Sunday night, I went out to dinner with a meet up group that I have been in for the past year. And there is a man in the group (Let’s call him Mr. Z) that I have a huge crush on, but I only see him every couple of months at these meet up functions. He is very sweet and affectionate and insightful and smart, but also funny and crass, and I also think he is hot. We all had dinner, then some of us stayed around for drinks after dinner, and broke up into little groups. He and I were sitting together at the bar, with a new woman in the group, a beautiful blonde woman with big boobs. She seemed proud of those boobs, as there was a lot of cleavage showing. I don’t have any cleavage, there’s not much to work with there.
Anyway, we were all drinking and talking, and I was talking about my marriage situation among other things. And I said that I am bad at relationships. Mr. Z said that is ridiculous, I am obviously not bad at relationships because I am relating quite well to him and Ms. Cleavage, and being very open and honest. I blew that off by saying that I didn’t know them that well and maybe it is easier to be open with people who aren’t as close to me on a day to day basis.
After a few drinks (maybe a few drinks too many), Mr. Z asked if I would drive him to his ex-girlfriend’s house which is not far from where I live, so I said sure. During the drive we did a lot of talking, I was being very honest, and I again mentioned that I am not good at relationships, and he didn’t believe me. He opened up to me and told me that he broke up with his girlfriend last night. They had only been dating about 9 months, and he was acting like it was no big deal, but I didn’t believe him.
And apparently he stays at his ex-girlfriend’s place because they are still friends. (He wasn’t staying with the one he broke up with last night, but his long term ex-girlfriend.) Somewhere along the way to her apartment he started holding my hand. And we just kept talking and talking, and we got to her apartment and I pulled up in front, but we continued talking and talking and he was holding my hand and it was very sweet. Then we had a really close hug for a long time and he said he loved me and I said I loved him too. (Not that kind of love, just the kind of love you have for someone that you just spent a few hours with drinking and sharing your stories.) And I kissed him on the cheek and told him to call me, or facebook me, or email me and he got out and started to walk away, then turned around to look at me and waved.
It was very sweet.
I was telling art t all about it, and how nice it was to hear someone say they love me, even though it isn’t that kind of love. I told her that the only people who say they love me are my daughter and my cleaning lady.
But where I am going with this, is after art t listened to the recording and said something insightful like, “Where are his emotions?” I thought to myself, maybe I am not bad at relationships. Maybe I am bad at relationships with people like my husband. People who do not express emotions, and also don’t know what to do with the emotions I give them (for example he would laugh when I was crying and saying someone hurt me.)
So now I am wondering. All of this time that I thought I was bad at relationships, maybe I am not. This is very enlightening. It is something to think about.