Making My Life Complicated

I think since I have left my home I am trying to not be alone. I’ve always liked to be alone, but for some reason now I don’t want to be alone, and filling up all of my time with so much social activity is complicating things for me.

Remember I wrote about Mr. Z? I wrote about him in April, when we were out at a group dinner with a bunch of people including Ms. Cleavage. A few weeks later, we had another group dinner, and Ms. Cleavage was there too, and that she night she drove him home. I was massively jealous, and my imagination created all kinds of scenarios in which they started dating and were falling in love with each other.

Mr. Z and I were having a “facebook relationship”, which I never knew existed, but we would have long conversations on facebook chat, some over 2 hours. I enjoyed our discussions very much, he is very intelligent and likes to talk about deep stuff, he reminds me of the friends I had in college. We would talk about books and philosophy and the world, etc. But I wanted more than a facebook relationship, I wanted to get together with him in person. Sometimes we would plan something and he would change his mind at the last minute, or I would suggest doing something and he wouldn’t commit. A couple of times he did ask me to go out, but I was going out of town.

So it worked out twice that we met up for drinks, and both times we drank a lot and had a very good time, but got very drunk, and ended up making out outside. I am very attracted to him. But the times that we would get together would be about every 4 weeks or so, and I wanted to see him more.

With the help of Art T, I decided to tell him that I didn’t want to do the deep conversations on facebook anymore, thinking that would lead to us getting together more. We did have a long conversation on facebook about not having long conversations on facebook, and I told him the reason is because I feel more connected to people when I can see them, and make eye contact and see body language, and hear the intonations in their voice. Just having a relationship in writing isn’t enough for me. It is enough for him however, so I had to decide what to do. It was getting painful for me to get closer to him via facebook, but not get closer to him in real life.

Stopping the long deep facebook conversations didn’t lead to us getting together any more often however.

I wasn’t sure if he was dating a few women, or if there was something about me that he didn’t like, but I couldn’t understand why he was so interested in maintaining this facebook relationship with me, but never seeing me. And sometimes he would disappear from facebook for a few days, and when I would ask him if he was taking a facebook vacation he would say he has been busy. I asked if he was working a lot, and he said work was slow, but he didn’t elaborate on what was keeping him so busy.

In my mind he was spending all of his time with Ms. Cleavage. Art T was encouraging me not to create a life for him that he didn’t really have, but I have a vivid imagination.

A couple of weeks ago a bunch of people went out for dinner and Ms. Cleavage was there, so I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink after dinner. We went to a bar and had a couple of drinks and I tried to figure out a way to get her to admit whether she was dating Mr. Z. I brought up his name, and said “You know him, right?” and she said she did, but didn’t elaborate. I didn’t really get any information.

Last week Mr. Z facebooked me in the middle of the day and said he was going out for a couple of drinks and dinner, and I asked if he was going alone. He said he was and I asked if he wanted company, and he said sure. So we met at a bar and had some drinks and we had a very good talk. I told him that I imagined him having a glamorous life, with an apartment in the city, and his own business, and he goes out with people all the time. He told me that he does not have a glamorous life, he lives in a tiny studio apartment, his business is bad, he has no money (did I mention he has no car and no cell phone?) and he claimed he doesn’t see anyone. He was very honest about his financial situation, I knew he had no money, and whenever we are together I pay for my part and he pays for his which is why I never considered our time together as “dates”, and I have wondered if the reason he doesn’t ask me out is because he can’t afford it. Of course, it could also be because I am married.

In one of our deep facebook chats a while back he stated that “our relationship will continue to disappoint you.” I suppose that means he thinks I want more than he wants.

So anyway, back to last week, we had a nice time, and somehow I ended up at his apartment. He claims I said I was drunk, which I know I did not say because that is not something I would say. He said he didn’t think I should drive and that I could stay at his place, but he only has one bed, but it’s ok for me to sleep with him. I had to think about that for a while, because as much as that really appealed to me, I knew it could be a mistake in the long run. So I told him I would do it as long as there was no sex and he agreed, and we actually had a talk about sex, and the pressures and what it does to a relationship and some other stuff that isn’t important to this story, but he was very open and honest and I tried to be too. I wasn’t sure that he would stick to the agreement once we were actually in the bed together, but he did. There was a lot of other physical stuff going on (use your imagination), and once we did kind of cross the line into something that could have progressed to sex, and he asked me if we should stop. I told him that I thought we should stop, and I apologized and he said there was no need to apologize.

I have to say, it was a nice night, despite the fact that I really couldn’t sleep and was up a lot in the night. I think not having sex made it even more special for me. He is very affectionate, and the next morning we walked out together and I left. He said he was glad that we didn’t have sex, that it complicates things.

Then I didn’t hear from him. Two days later I sent him an email saying it was a nice night and I had fun. He replied saying he enjoyed my company. Then I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him, except for a couple of random facebook comments, until he commented on a facebook post of mine 6 days later that led to a discussion on my wall, and an invitation to join a philosophy meetup group that he attends.

I checked out the meetup group and the things they discuss, and I facebooked him to say that it seems way out of my league but I am flattered that he would think I would fit in. He replied that I underestimate myself.

Fast forward three days later to last night. Ms. Cleavage had suggested we go out for dinner and drinks and I thought that would be fun because she is nice and she is single and I don’t know many single women to go out with. So we met at a quiet place for dinner which was great and we had a nice talk about dating and she said she had been dating someone for six months until recently, and now is dating someone else. I told her I was interested in someone, but I didn’t mention his name, although she was asking how I knew him, and did she know him, and I lied and said she didn’t.

After dinner we went to a nightclub, which started out fine. Ms. Cleavage and I started to talk about Mr. Z because I posted on my facebook page that she and I were at the club, and he responded that he wished he could be there too. Then she told me that she and Mr. Z did go out once for drinks, and she ended up back at his apartment because they both like to smoke weed, and she said he is really fun and she really liked him, but she would never date him because he doesn’t have a cell phone. She said she knows that is materialistic, but she can’t imagine not being able to get in touch with someone that she is dating. Then she asked me if I would be interested in dating him, and I said I would, that he is really appealing to me. I also told her that I am not looking for a long term “serious” relationship, or falling in love with anyone, I just want someone to go out with once a week or so, for dinner or a movie or just talking, and kissing too.

As the night went on the place got crazy. It was full of young people, and a dj started to play really loud music, and it got incredibly crowded. The waiters took all of the bar stools away so that people could dance in the aisles, and they even put platforms over the booth tables so that people could dance on them. Ms. Cleavage seemed to be on the prowl, and met a man that she began dancing with. I was quickly running out of oxygen and I told her I had to go outside.

I facebooked Mr. Z to tell him he was smart not to come, that it was getting out of control and overwhelming and crazy, and that once again, like in the old days, I was playing second fiddle to the little, pretty, blond woman, blah blah….I had a few drinks and that is when I tend to go overboard in my facebook chats. He said he was sorry that it was tough for me, then I felt bad about complaining and I said that Ms. Cleavage is really fun, and he said we are both fun, and I said he is fun, and then the Trayvon Martin verdict came in so we chatted a bit about that. He said he hoped we were both going to get out of the city because protests were starting.

And also while I was outside a man started talking to me. He was very good looking and smelled really nice. We chatted, and he said he was 35 years old (remember, I am 53). We talked for a while, then went back in, and we tried to continue talking but it was so loud that we couldn’t hear each other even though we were right next to each other. So we decided to communicate by text. And he bought me a drink, although there was no way I could drink another one. Finally Ms. Cleavage decided it was time to go and we left. It turns out she didn’t like the guy that she was hitting on.

Then we went home and I arrived home at about 2:00am, which is about 4 hours later than I ever stay up. I woke up this morning feeling awful, partially from drinking, but mostly just a feeling of being totally overwhelmed. That whole bar scene was horrible for me, and I don’t know why I could have forgotten that I hate places like that. I didn’t like it in my 20′s, so why would I like it now? And I felt bad about the fact that Ms. Cleavage and Mr. Z had a date and went back to his apartment, although I know the reason they went back there was to get high, you can’t just do that anywhere. Not where we live anyway. And I feel stupid for facebooking him, especially the comment about being second fiddle to the little pretty blond woman.

So last night was like the culmination of this social/party/dinner/meetup roller coaster ride that I have been on, and I need to get off of it. I need to start taking better care of myself, relax, not worry about being alone, not try to fill up empty space with meaningless activity, and just get myself together.

Although tonight I have plans to go out to dinner with some friends.

Tomorrow, however, I am going to the beach with two of my oldest closest friends and we go every summer and it will be relaxing and rejuvenating. Maybe it will help me get back in tune with who I really am.

And what to do about Mr. Z? I have no idea.

4 thoughts on “Making My Life Complicated

  1. haven’t read blogs in a while – I forgot what a good writer you are, Harriet! you tell such a compelling “story”. (i know it’s truth — you just tell it so well.)

    i can relate to this. i’ve so often wanted more from a man. so many men have see perfectly happy to see me if we sort of run into each other occasionally or it kind of works out that we’re at the same bar or…. It’s always been really hard for me, because i want to be wanted and sought and to be on someone’s mind.

    i work to build my self-esteem and to not except less than i want, unless i decide that i’d rather have “scraps” than nothing. and sometimes the scraps have seemed sort of okay. but not for too long

    however, there are men out there who actually want us on nicer terms. truly. keep that in mind, as you do whatever you decide to do for now.

    hope you enjoy the getaway. very nourishing

  2. The few experiences with men I’ve had, have all been me wanting more, them kind of hiding. I know the feeling so well. I would always wonder what it means, what to do, and it caused me so much anxiety. Anyway. Mr. Z. is telling it straight. He is not very interested. For him it’s casual and fun, and he doesn’t want any more than that. I agree with Melissa – there are men out there that want us in a more real consistent way.

    I think you’re doing great, with all the socializing and experimenting! You haven’t been single long, and I think it’s great to get out there and figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.

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